Mister Ed 1x11

1.

2. Hello.

3. I'm Mister Ed.

4. Wilbur, are you sure we'

5. Of course we are.

6. Leave it to me. I know where we're going.

7. And, Wilbur, you said you knew a shortcut.

8. How far are we from Ensenada?

9. Oh, don't ask me. These Mexican roads twist so much.

10. Just a second. Just a second, everybody.

11. Aha.

12. Aha. Yeah.

13. No doubt about it. We're lost.

14. Oh, no, Wilbur! I'm famished.

15. If I had a little ketchup, I'd eat this map.

16. I could do with a bowl of chili myself.

17. I was looking forward to spending a delightful weekend south of the border.

18. But with your sense of direction—

19. There's nothing wrong with Wilbur's sense of direction.

20. Oh, please. I consider it a triumph we got out of his garage.

21. But, Addison, doll, you told Wilbur to make that left turn back there.

22. Of course I did.

23. The sign said "Hombres Trabajando."

24. That distinctly means "left turn."

25. Wait. I'll look that up in the dictionary.

26. Now, believe me. It means "left turn."

27. I took Spanish in college, and I finished at the head of my class.

28. "Hombres trabajando."

29. "Men at work."

30. It must've been a very small class.

31. Wilbur, do you have any idea where we are?

32. Well, the way I figure it out,

33. we're either just outside the town of Cohatsamamalulu

34. or on a small island in the Pacific.

35. Well, we'd better just keep on driving.

36. "Men at work," huh?

37. Oh, must be an old dictionary.

38. Let's go, Desi.

39. I'd better go take a look at Mister Ed.

40.

41. Ed, I got a little problem.

42. We're lost.

43. Who's lost?

44. We're only ten miles from Cohatsamamalulu.

45. How do you know?

46. I read a sign back there.

47. - You speak Spanish? - Doesn't everybody?

48. Thanks.

49. De nada, amigo.

50.

51. So this is Cohatsamamalulu.

52. It certainly does look very big.

53. The only thing big about this town is its name.

54. I wonder if they have a restaurant here.

55. Well, there's a policeman. Let's ask him. Officer—

56. No, Wilbur. Let me. I speak the language.

57. Señor.

58. - Sí? - That means "yes."

59. Could've fooled me.

60. Uh... ¿Dónde está

61. el, uh, restaurante?

62. Un restaurante.

63. He's got an awful thick accent.

64. Yes, those Irish brogues will always throw you.

65. is a very nice restaurant.

66. - Oh, you speak English? - Sí. That means "yes."

67. Uh, is it the best restaurant in town?

68. Sí. And the only one, too.

69. Oh, thank you. Come on, girls.

70.

71. n I have a feeling this is not going to be one of the highlights of the trip.

72. It certainly is very... quaint.

73. It has a wonderful provincial atmosphere.

74. Yeah, we're stuck.

75. Sit down.

76.

77. I wonder where the owner is.

78. It isn't exactly the height of the rush hour.

79. Let's order. I wanna send word down to my stomach that help's on the way.

80. Excuse me, sir.

81. - Is the owner here? - Sí.

82. - Do you know where he is? - Sí.

83. How do we get service?

84. x - Just call for Pepe. - Thank you.

85. Pepe? Pepe?

86. You calling me?

87. That's what I like.

88. A man who gets right to the point.

89.

90. You gonna like the beans. They're very good, señor.

91. Thank you.

92. "Tacos, enchiladas, tortillas,

93. arroz con pollo"--

94. Oh, I know what that means. Chicken with rice.

95. Either that or "men at work."

96. What else do they have, Wilbur?

97. Uh, "ros-bif.

98. Bif-stec." Roast beef, beefsteak.

99. Beefsteak. That's what I want. Beefsteak.

100. - I'll have the roast beef. - Steak for me.

101. And I'll have the arroz con pollo.

102. Four orders, beans.

103. - No, what we want— - What you want is nice.

104. What I got is beans.

105. My good man, if all you have is beans,

106. why did you bother giving us this menu?

107. No bother. It's a pleasure.

108. Beans. If you hadn't steered us wrong,

109. we'd be in Ensenada by now.

110. You know, Kay, that's one of the things I admire about you.

111. Whenever I make a mistake, you're always the first to point it out.

112. - It's Mister Ed!

113. Oh! Look at that wheel!

114. Oh, now, we'll be stuck here for a week.

115. Wilbur, why did you have to bring this horse along?

116. I told you. He gets lonely.

117. ¿Qué pasó aquí?

118. - Did you see this accident? - No, señor.

119. - Didn't you see anything? - If I see, I say.

120. - I don't see, I don't say. - You don't say.

121. Sí.

122. I say I don't see.

123. We've got to get this wheel fixed.

124. Oh, I know the best mechanic in all of Mexico. Arturo Gomez.

125. - Will he do a good job? - Will he do a good job?

126. Would I lie about my own cousin?

127. Now that you're almost finished, Arturo,

128. don't you think we should agree on a price?

129. Sí. We should.

130. - How much is it? - Whatever we agree.

131. Ten dollars?

132. This I don't agree.

133. Well, how much?

134. Please, I will charge you

135. so you will be a little more poorer,

136. and I will be a little more rich.

137. Well, how much more poorer will I be?

138. The same that I will be a little more rich.

139. Oh.

140. Why you not go and eat with your friends?

141. I call you when it's finished.

142. You couldn't give me an idea of the price?

143. That's right. I couldn't.

144. Your trailer will soon be fixed, Ed.

145. Good.

146. I was afraid I'd have to walk home.

147. I was sure scared when you got hit.

148. Yeah. I almost ended up

149. in that great big stable in the sky.

150. I'd like to get my hands on that hit-and-run driver.

151. Yeah. That beat-up old truck.

152. Truck? What truck?

153. License number 4231.

154. We have agreed on the price, señor. $50.

155. Would you mind stepping aside, please?

156. I'd like to see your license plates.

157. Uh, $50, please.

158. You really expect me to pay you $50?

159. We make it 40?

160. I no charge you city sales tax.

161. I'm not paying you a cent!

162. You ran into my trailer with your truck!

163. How you say this? Uh, there was no witnesses.

164. Ah, then you admit that you did it.

165. $30?

166. How do you say "policeman" in Spanish?

167. - Policía. - Thank you. Policía! Policía!

168. Why you call police? $30 is not so much.

169. You like $25 better?

170.

171. - That is a lie. - Ah, you speak Spanish, señor.

172. No, but a lie is a lie in any language.

173. Please. Why do you not pay Arturo is $75?

174. 75?

175. All right. 70.

176. What more can I do?

177. Arturo— he is being very generous, señor.

178. Look at his fender. He must've hit me. It's dented.

179. My fender? She was dented when the car was new.

180. What's the matter, Wilbur?

181. This is the man that ran into our trailer.

182. Please, Miguel. It is almost siesta time,

183. and I cannot sleep when people— they owe me money.

184. That I am not paying. It's a matter of principle.

185. Señor, you pay, or I must put you in the jail.

186. Wilbur, Addison will be happy to chip in half.

187. Why, of course. I...

188. No. No, no, no. Wilbur's right.

189. We will not pay. It's a matter of principle.

190. But, honey, I don't want you going to jail.

191. Don't you worry. I'm not going.

192. Excuse me, señor. You have the time?

193. I'm in the right, and there is absolutely nothing that they can do.

194. What's the big idea?

195. Shh! It's siesta time in Cohatsamamalulu.

196. Psshh! Amigo.

197. Hi, Ed.

198. What time you going over the wall?

199. I don't have to. I'm gonna win this case.

200. Sure. Sure.

201. Ed, are you sure you saw the truck hit your trailer?

202. Positive. Too bad I didn't have a camera with me.

203. The girls and Roger are looking for a lawyer.

204. ne - You had your lunch yet? - Yeah.

205. But that Mexican hay is too hot for me.

206. I've been drinking water like a fish.

207. I gotta get outta here.

208. - Excuse me, Ed. - All right. Sure.

209. Officer. Officer!

210.

211. Look, I'm an American citizen. I demand a trial.

212. Are you gonna pay Arturo his money?

213. No.

214. Then you'll be a Mexican citizen before your trial.

215. I insist you phone the judge and tell him that I am here.

216. "Insist"? Insist.

217. Why insist?

218. When the judge gets here, he'll see that you are here.

219. Honey!

220. Oh, you look so pale. Are you all right?

221. - Did you get a lawyer? - Addison's waiting for him to wake up.

222. It's still siesta time.

223. This isn't a town. It's a giant sleeping bag.

224. Wilbur, maybe you ought to pay the man the $75.

225. - 70. - I'm not paying you a cent!

226. Relax, folks. The lawyer will be here shortly.

227. - When? - As soon as he gets out of his pajamas.

228. Oh, honey.

229. Please pay the money. I don't like to see you behind bars.

230. My mind is made up. Now, you and Kay go find some rooms for the night.

231. Meanwhile, Roger and I will talk to the lawyer.

232. You're really determined to fight this through?

233. Find the rooms, huh?

234. You never kiss me like that.

235. I will, dear, when you're behind bars.

236. Roger, keep an eye on him for me, will you?

237. Why? Where's he going?

238. Come on, Kay.

239. Rog, I didn't wanna worry Carol, but that judge may not show up for months.

240. That's carrying a siesta a little too far.

241. Maybe you better phone the American consulate in Tijuana.

242. Good thinking. But I got a better idea.

243. - What's that? - Pay the money, and let's get out of here.

244. I am not gonna pay that fella $75.

245. $70.

246. I'll call the consulate.

247. My good man, have you a telephone here?

248. Not here, but on the wall.

249. - Thank you. - You want me to make the call for you?

250. That won't be necessary. I speak the language fluently.

251. Uh, Operadora,

252. usted, uh, uh, por favor...

253.

254. el Americano Consulado Tijuana.

255. No, Operator, I am not speaking Portuguese.

256. That was Spanish.

257. How long have you been in this country?

258. I want Tijuana, not Havana.

259. I said, "Not Havana." Havana.

260. Very well. I'll wait.

261.

262. - Miguel. - Ah.

263. Señor Post, I am Francisco Gomez. I am your attorney.

264. I've been expecting you. Won't you sit down?

265. First, let me assure you that you will receive a fair trial.

266. That is all I expect, sir.

267. Señor Addison has acquainted me with the situation,

268. but now I must ask a few questions.

269. - Did you see the accident? - No.

270. Did any of your friends see the accident?

271. Well... no.

272. Then I must advise you to pay the $75.

273. V 70.

274. That man has been lying. He ran into my trailer.

275. - But if you have no witness— - I have a witness. Ed saw everything.

276. Ed. Ah, this is good. Who is this Ed?

277. Well...

278. Well, he's— he's not exactly the type you bring into a courtroom.

279. Please, señor, do not say this to me.

280. In Mexico, everybody is equal.

281. Where is this— this Ed?

282. He's outside the window.

283. Señor Ed! Señor Ed!

284. I see only a horse.

285. That is Señor Ed.

286. This horse— she is your witness?

287. Señor, have you been drinking tequila?

288. - Please, you've got to believe me. - You do not need a lawyer.

289. - You need a doctor. Miguel! - But I'm telling the truth.

290. - ¡Ándale! - I'm telling—

291. - Of course you are. Sí. - That is the truth.

292. Ed saw everything! I'm telling you the truth! You gotta believe...

293.

294. What's the matter...

295. Hello. Well, it's about time.

296. Is this the American consulate in Tijuana?

297. What? Havana?

298. Operator, I did not want Havana.

299. I— I want Tijuana.

300. T as in "tacos."

301. I as in "igloo."

302. A as in "Argentina."

303. - I'm calling the American consulate. - Good.

304. Well, how'd you make out? Did you find any rooms?

305. u We won't need any, honey. The judge just got back to town.

306. And he's gonna try your case this afternoon.

307. Great! Now we're getting someplace.

308. Marvelous!

309. What? Argentina?

310. Operator, I did not call Argentina.

311. I want Tijuana.

312. T as in "Texas"-- No. No, no.

313. So the judge is here. Win or lose,

314. we'll be out of this town soon.

315. - Ensenada, here we come! - What did your lawyer say, dear?

316. He refused to handle my case.

317. Good-bye, Ensenada.

318. Refused to handle your case? But why?

319. What's the difference? I'm innocent. I can't lose.

320. I— I'll defend myself.

321. I admire your confidence, Wilbur. We'll send you cigarettes from the States.

322. This is just awful. We'll just have to convince that lawyer to handle you.

323. Come on.

324. I'd better go along with them to translate.

325.

326. Ed, with you testifying for me, I can't lose.

327. With who testifying?

328. I'm depending on you. You're my key witness.

329. Now, you know I only talk in front of you.

330. This is a matter of principle. Where's your integrity?

331. Where's your $75?

332. All you gotta do is tell the truth.

333. If they find out I can talk,

334. I'll wind up in a circus.

335. Ed, I'm disappointed in you.

336. I've always felt toward you the way—

337. the way Paul Revere felt toward his horse.

338. But Paul did the talking, not his horse.

339. Okay, Ed.

340. No hard feelings, huh?

341. No.

342. I'll be waiting for you, buddy boy.

343. This way, please.

344. That's the one, Judge Hernandez.

345. - Aha. - He's the guilty one.

346. Arturo, por favor. Don't call a man guilty until there is a trial.

347. Señor Post, I'm Judge Hernandez.

348. Your Honor, I'm certainly glad you're here.

349. I'm sorry I was late.

350. zñ Where's your lawyer?

351. - Oh, I'll be defending myself. - Ah.

352. The lawyer Gomez will not handle his case because he's loco.

353. - Are you loco? - No.

354. Ah. Good. Let us proceed.

355. Sit there on the bench— both of you.

356. n6 This court is now in session.

357. Señor Post, what do you say?

358. Your HonkTor, this man hit my trailer with his truck,

359. and now he wants me to pay for fixing it.

360. Arturo, what do you say?

361. He's a big liar.

362. You say yes, he say no.

363. Are thjQere any witnesses?

364. Well, yes and no.

365. Yes and no. That makes maybe.

366. You have a maybe witness?

367. - Well, uh...

368. Ed!

369.

370. Take this horse away from here.

371. Please, Your Honor, this is my witness.

372. The horse— he's your witness?

373. Yes, Your Honor.

374. Well, how can a horse be your witness?

375. Well, he told me Arturo's license number.

376. Oh, in that case, you know...

377. - He told you? - Yes, Your Honor.

378. Are you sure you arew- not loc?

379. The horse saw it all, Your Honor.

380. But how can a horse write down a number?

381. Oh, he didn't write down a number.

382. Oh.

383. zw He just told me what he read.

384. Miguel, you know there is a law against serving tequila in jail?

385. But I didn't give him any tequila.

386. He is this way all by himself.

387. Make him to pay me my $80!

388. $80?

389. Ed, tell him what happened.

390. p< This is ridiculous.

391. How could a horse tell you a license number?

392.

393. Uh, by tapping it out.

394. That's how he communicates with me.

395. - What? - Yes.

396. Just write down any number at all, Your Honor,

397. and he'll tap it out.

398. You are serious, Señor Post?

399. If you'll please write down a number, Your Honor.

400. Pú

401. ¡Ay Dios mío!

402. $60.

403. Can he read any number?

404. Yes. Yes.

405. Try him in Spanish.

406. $50.

407. This horse does everything but talk.

408. Arturo, you are a liar.

409. You big mouth!

410. with a five.

411.

412.

413. Oh!

414. He isn't here. What did they do to him?

415. Oh, don't worry, darling. I'm sure everything's all right.

416. There are no high trees in the neighborhood.

417. - Oh, Roger!

418. How's it going, kiddies?

419. Well, let's get going. I wanna make it to Ensenada before it gets dark.

420. Wilbur, did you pay him the money?

421. No. No. Won the case.

422. You did? How?

423. Oh, just used a little horse sense.

424. Let's go, kiddies.

425. Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

426. ñ" ♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

427. ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

428. kí This has been a Filmways television presentation.