1. See, this is why you put in
all that hard work
during the week,
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2. to get to the end of the week.
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3. Or as I sometimes call it,
the "weekend."
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4. What do you guys call it?
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5. I call it the weekend.
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6. Shut up.
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7. - No, Michael, I think
everyone calls it the weekend.
- I just said shut up.
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8. Now, shut the up.
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9. You're ruining my weekend
with all your jibber-jabber.
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10. Weekdays are
for jibber-jabber,
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11. weekends are for...
Wait, what are they for,
Marquess?
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12. Uh... Rest and relaxation?
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13. Yeah, that's right.
Rest and relaxation.
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14. I love hearing you talk,
Marquess. It relaxes me.
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15. Put me in that
weekend state of mind.
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16. - Oopsie. Five-second rule.
Hey, what the...
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17. - Cannonball!
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18. Let's go around the table
and say our pits and peaks.
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19. All right, Pigeon,
let's start with you.
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20. Well, let me see.
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21. I would say
the peak of my day was,
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22. well, any moment before
being burned alive.
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23. And the pit of my day...
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24. I'm not a negative person,
so, these are always hard
to think of,
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25. but I'd say it's a tie between
forgetting to record the
opening round of the Masters
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26. and being burned alive!
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27. How about you, Yung?
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28. - Pit and peak.
- Sorry for interrupting,
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29. but I have finished my dinner.
May I please be excused?
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30. Um, sure.
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31. Can I offer anyone coffee?
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32. Oh. I would love a cup.
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33. I said "Can I" not "May I."
Burn.
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34. But can I please have a cup
of coffee in the living room?
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35. Hey, Deezy, you didn't wanna
join us for dinner?
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36. You said you didn't want me
to join you for dinner.
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37. Oh, that's right.
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38. Hey, what you got
on that computer?
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39. Oh, I'm just checking out
the Nevada State
Treasurer's Office website.
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40. You know, seeing if there's
any unclaimed funds out there.
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41. You know, any money that
has gone missing in the mail
or what have you.
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42. Every dollar counts.
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43. Hey, put my name in there too.
Let's see if I have anything
in those unclaimed funds.
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44. Did you ever live at 17497 East
Tuckey Avenue?
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45. - Oh, yeah.
- Then you got $1,981
coming to you
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46. from Western Savings and Loan.
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47. Oh, damn!
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48. See that, Mike?
I get you that money.
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49. Put it in Yung's name.
Her missing money is my money.
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50. How do you spell "Yung"?
No MSG, right?
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51. Hey, is that a race joke
because she's Asian?
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52. What? I was just... I mean,
I was just trying to connect,
you know, on a human level.
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53. I'm sorry. I just felt like
I don't belong
and nobody likes me.
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54. So, I thought
I'd be the funny guy.
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55. Everybody likes the funny guy.
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56. You gotta know your role,
Deezy, Yung is the funny guy.
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57. Yung, say something funny.
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58. - What do you mean?
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59. It's now what she says,
it's how she say it.
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60. Let's see if Marquess
is in there.
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61. Marquess,
what's your last name?
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62. Well, for starters,
"Marquess" isn't
my first name.
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63. As I have said
on numerous occasions,
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64. my name is John Douglas.
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65. My title is
"Marquess of Queensberry."
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66. And because
"Marquess" sounds
like "Marcus,"
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67. and because you are all
monstrously ignorant and lazy,
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68. you call me "Marquess."
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69. And because I don't
give a shit anymore,
I respond.
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70. Nope, nothing in Nevada
for John Douglas.
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71. Well, uh, I lived in Scotland.
Can you search there?
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72. Mmm-hmm.
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73. Okay, here's a John Douglas.
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74. There's an unclaimed account
in your name
at the Royal Bank of Scotland.
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75. Yes. That was my bank!
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76. I think I had
a small savings there.
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77. - Well, it's not small anymore.
- What?
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78. £3,420,000?
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79. That's almost five
million dollars.
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80. I'm telling you,
it's the way she says things.
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81. Oh, my God. I'm rich.
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82. I'm rich! Oh, I'm gonna
buy so many things.
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83. First thing? Yep.
First thing I'm gonna do
is get a brand new wardrobe.
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84. I mean, what is this
old-timey?
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85. It's never gonna
come back in style.
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86. I look like I'm in
a Jane Austen novel.
Oh, my God.
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87. You know what else
we're gonna get?
A new car.
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88. I am sick
of that shitty van.
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89. We look like a gang
of child molesters
in that thing.
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90. Okay, Deezy,
how do I get my money?
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91. Huh. Normally, you just
put in your information
and they send it to you,
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92. but this says,
if it's been unclaimed
for more than ten years,
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93. - you have to physically
go in to the bank.
- Oh!
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94. Then I guess I know
where this week's
mystery takes place.
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95. Scotland, bitches!
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96. Oh, well... Uh...
What about this mystery?
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97. "Dear, Mike Tyson
Mystery Team,
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98. the hospital where my wife
is on life support
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99. is threatening
to pull the plug on Friday.
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100. But I know she'll wake up.
We just need more time.
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101. Please come help.
Her life is in your hands."
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102. Hey, man, we gotta go get you
on The Tonight Show with
Johnny Carson, man.
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103. You are just too funny.
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104. Okay, um, I'll go ahead
and order another right now,
just to save time. Thanks.
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105. Oh, really? So, you're just
gonna judge me
the entire flight to Scotland?
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106. I'm sure that woman
will be fine.
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107. There things always have a way
of working themselves out.
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108. And I'm sorry,
but who are we to play God?
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109. Okay, you know what?
Judge away, just judge away.
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110. I'm gonna get my buzz on.
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111. I'm gonna watch
My Best Friend's Wedding,
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112. take a nap,
and then watch Runaway Bride,
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113. and you can sit there
like Judge Judy
with your can of Sprite
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114. and your sourpuss
and be miserable.
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115. Because you know what, Yung?
You're miserable.
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116. And if money could buy
happiness, I would give you
my five million dollars.
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117. But it can't.
That's on you, Yung.
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118. That is on you.
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119. Oh, my God!
Is my screen not working?
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120. ! Tittysucker!
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121. Yung, can we switch seats?
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122. We should go
on a Scotch-tasting
while we're here.
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123. Go to one of those
old distilleries.
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124. Well, I'm only 18.
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125. I think
that's old enough here.
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126. You can get drunk
and lose your virginity
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127. to one of those red-bearded
sweaty Scotsmen
they got running around here.
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128. Ew! No way. Gross.
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129. Yung, now be honest.
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130. You're a lesbian, aren't you?
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131. It's none of your business.
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132. Okay? And I don't believe
in labels.
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133. Well, I do, sister.
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134. So what's your poison?
The penis or the vagina?
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135. Well, if anything,
I identify as pan.
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136. Wait, what?
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137. Mike, did you know this?
Did you know your daughter
is pan?
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138. Like a pan? Like a frying pan?
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139. Like her face
is like a frying pan?
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140. Yeah, of course I know that.
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141. When she was little
I used to call her
"Frying Pan Fran."
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142. - You remember that, Yung?
- Yeah.
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143. Unreal.
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144. They won't give me my money.
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145. Wanna know why?
Because I'm deceased.
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146. No shit, Sherlock!
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147. So, we came all this way
for nothing?
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148. That's why you should
always call first.
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149. They said they can release
the money to a living heir.
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150. Well, do you have
a living heir?
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151. Evidently.
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152. Ian Douglas.
I think he would be
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153. my great-great-great-grandson,
or maybe one more "great."
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154. I don't know.
I'm just so mad.
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155. I have an address. Get this,
he lives in Glasgow.
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156. He works in a factory,
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157. a fish-processing factory.
Jesus.
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158. I am rolling over
in my own grave.
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159. Ian, it should be
very straightforward.
Just a quick trip to the bank,
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160. and... I'm sorry,
is there maybe a scented
candle we can light?
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161. Or a can of Febreze?
Just a quick, quick,
quick spritz?
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162. So, you're
telling me we're kin?
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163. You're my great-great-great-
great-great-grandfather?
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164. And you want me
to go with you and sign
some papers in a bank,
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165. and we are rich?
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166. No, no, we're not rich,
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167. I'm rich. Oh! Oh, my God!
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168. Okay, okay.
So, when do you get off work?
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169. Hmm? Again, it's just
a quick zip to the bank,
zip in and zip out.
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170. Well, it could be a while.
I've got to process
the rest of those...
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171. Unless you wanna
give me a hand?
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172. You just take a fish,
and first,
you saw off the head.
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173. And then you grab the spine
and give it a yank.
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174. Sometimes, you gotta
use your teeth, you know,
get the knob of the spine.
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175. Then you lay the carcass
back for rendering.
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176. Well, come on, then.
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177. These fishes aren't gonna
process themselves.
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178. Honey, I'm home!
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179. Fiona, come meet my
great-great-great-great-great-
great-grandfather.
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180. These are my babes.
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181. Here you are, Fiona.
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182. Hey, you can give her
your fish heads, lads.
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183. Man, where you want
these fish heads, man?
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184. In the trash
or in the garbage?
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185. Just give them all
to Fiona here, she'll make
a great fish head stew.
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186. Fish heads in hot water,
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187. a dinner fit for kings, eh?
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188. Angel, I have to go
to the bank with these
fine people
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189. and help him get his
millions of dollars.
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190. And then I'll come home
and eat a bite of stew,
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191. and then get to the hospital
for my night shift where I
remove rectums from cadavers.
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192. So the scientists who study
these rectums can
find a cure!
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193. Now, let me go put on a tie.
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194. We're going
to a bank after all.
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195. Show some respect
to the financial institution.
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196. He's such a good man.
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197. Such a good husband
and father.
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198. And he works so hard.
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199. Now, let's go get you
your money, sir.
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200. Marquess, these people
need the money more than you.
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201. - It's my money.
- Not really.
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202. He's your living heir.
You can't even get it out
of the bank without him.
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203. Ugh! Fine!
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204. Ian? Ian?
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205. - Okay, Ian, listen.
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206. You are my great-great-
great-great-great-grandson.
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207. And more importantly,
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208. you are a great, great, great,
great, great human being.
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209. So, I'm gonna split
the money with you.
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210. You're gonna receive
two and a half million dollars.
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211. I don't know what to say.
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212. - That's the kindest thing
anyone has ever done for me.
- Aw.
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213. Oh. Oh! Even the rain smells
in this godforsaken place.
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214. - That's because it's piss.
- Ugh!
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215. Alastair Flanagan,
have you no shame?
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216. Use a cludgie
like the rest of us.
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217. Oh. "Cludgie"
means bathroom.
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218. Ah, this traffic.
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219. The bank closes at five.
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220. Wait. Why are we stopping?
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221. Come on, lads.
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222. What is happening?
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223. Where are we going?
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224. Lads, this fine man,
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225. John Douglas,
the Marquess of Queensberry,
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226. has gifted me
half of his fortune.
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227. And just as
he's shared it with me,
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228. I intend on sharing mine
with all of you.
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229. Our days of gutting fish
are over.
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230. We'll have more time to spend
with our loved ones.
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231. All right, okay,
that was very nice,
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232. but we should really
get going before
the bank closes.
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233. So, let's give three cheers
for John Douglas,
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234. the Marquess of Queensberry.
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235. - Hip hip...
Hurray!
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236. - Okay.
- Hip hip...
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237. Hurray!
- Yeah. We got it.
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238. - Hip hip...
Hurray!
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239. Okay, that's three, let's go.
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240. - Hip hip...
Hurray!
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241. - Hip hip...
Michael!
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242. Jesus! Quiet! Back to work.
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243. - Hip hip...
Hurray!
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244. Come on! Do you want
your money or not?
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245. Can I change my peak?
This is the new peak
of my day.
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246. Damn, trying to see if I got
any financial funds laying
around anywhere.
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247. Oh.
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248. Do you?
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249. I have nothing.
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