1. The desert wind
brings a message,
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2. a cry, a plea for aid,
to a team resolute.
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3. They strap on their boots,
their will as sharp as a blade.
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4. They mount their trusty steed,
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5. and barrel headlong
into danger...
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6. leaving no stone unturned,
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7. to divine the strange from
the stranger.
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8. Never knowing
what they'll find,
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9. never minding what they know,
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10. whether ghosts or ghouls,
or tricksters who fool,
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11. their opponents destined
to reap what they sow.
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12. A mystery team is a mystery.
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13. Why do they do what they do?
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14. They face dangers grave,
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15. while remaining brave,
to fight for what's right
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16. and what's true.
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17. Attention, shoppers,
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18. please make
your final selections.
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19. The grocery store will be
closing in five minutes.
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20. Do we need cereal?
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21. Hold on, I can't read
your writing.
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22. I can't read any of it.
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23. Michael, what is this word?
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24. That's no "word."
I don't write words.
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25. I draw pictures.
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26. That's a box of cereal.
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27. So, yes, to answer
my earlier question...
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28. That's a box of cheese.
That's a box of milk.
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29. That's a box of lettuce.
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30. Okay, maybe we see
if we can get our groceries
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31. delivered to the house
and limit
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32. these "Michael's out and about
in the world" situations.
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33. Ugh, Pigeon, stop it,
you're acting like a baby.
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34. Oh, really? That must be why
I just shit my diaper.
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35. Oh, wait,
I'm not wearing a diaper.
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36. - Okay, ugh, you are foul.
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37. Uh, hey, guess what,
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38. if you strap me into
a grocery cart like
a baby
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39. then I'm gonna act like
a baby.
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40. Oh, Pigeon, I strap you
in there because
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41. I don't want you to get away.
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42. You're my little baby.
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43. Clean up on aisle three.
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44. Great, now you got us
in trouble.
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45. This isn't aisle three.
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46. Well, whatever happened
in aisle three
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47. can't be as awful
as what happened in aisle tw—
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48. Oh, my God, that's horrible.
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49. Holy Lord.
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50. Oh. My God.
I'll call an ambulance.
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51. It's too late. She's dead.
Murdered.
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52. Well then,
I'll call the police.
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53. No. We'll take care of it.
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54. We're the Mike Tyson
Mystery Team.
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55. What?
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56. Michael, he should
call the police—
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57. - Are you the manager?
- Yes.
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58. Listen to me.
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59. I want you to lock every door
in this store.
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60. The murderer is
in here somewhere.
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61. And he is not getting out.
Or she.
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62. But it's usually a "he."
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63. Hopefully not a "Yung Hee."
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64. But right now
everyone is a suspect.
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65. Tie her up, Marquess.
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66. What?
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67. And when you're done,
tie yourself up too.
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68. This is the worst
BDSM fantasy of all time.
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69. Oh, my God.
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70. Is it a clue?
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71. No, they got a special
on pickles,
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72. three for the price of one.
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73. Momma, there goes that man.
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74. Attention,
all shoppers.
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75. Attention, shoppers.
This grocery store is closed.
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76. Until this case is.
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77. Dad, why are you acting like
you know what you're doing?
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78. "A mystery team is a mystery.
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79. Why do they do what they do?"
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80. - What?
- What are you talking about?
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81. Didn't you hear that poem
at the beginning?
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82. It got me all fired up.
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83. "They face dangers grave,
while remaining brave,
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84. to fight for what's right
and what's true."
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85. Okay, all the doors are locked.
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86. No one can get out. Now what?
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87. Let's get everyone
in one place.
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88. Where should we meet?
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89. Of course, the meat section.
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90. Okay, everyone,
just calm down.
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91. This is Mike Tyson.
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92. He's the former heavyweight
champion of the world
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93. and now, uh, evidently some
kind of policeman.
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94. Go ahead, Mike Tyson,
Mr. Tyson.
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95. Or officer.
I don't know wha—
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96. Officer's fine.
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97. I think it's this guy.
The one covered in blood.
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98. I'm covered in blood
because I'm a butcher.
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99. Oh, my God,
he's admitted it. Case closed.
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100. Open the doors.
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101. Case reopened.
Keep the doors closed.
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102. Pigeon, what is wrong?
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103. "What's wrong?"
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104. What the do you mean,
"What's wrong?"
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105. You assholes left me
strapped in this cart,
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106. sitting in my own filth,
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107. just staring at
that dead woman's body.
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108. Hey, hey, watch it,
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109. this is an active crime scene,
mother.
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110. All of this shit
is evidence, mother.
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111. Never touch evidence.
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112. Oh, what is this?
This could be evidence.
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113. I'm gonna touch it.
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114. Okay.
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115. This is a weird grocery list.
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116. Here, you read it.
I've been talking too much.
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117. I feel like I've had
too many lines in this episode.
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118. My mouth is dry.
I need some water.
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119. Ah.
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120. That was some shitty water.
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121. Michael. That was vinegar.
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122. Well, wait,
this isn't a grocery list.
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123. It's like she was grading
your store.
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124. "Produce department, 'C.'
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125. Fruit found on floor,
larvae visible on melon,
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126. mold evident throughout."
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127. She must have been
a secret shopper...
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128. Damn, Philip. You're lucky
she didn't get to turn that in.
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129. What do you mean, Hector?
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130. I mean, you're the produce guy.
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131. I mean if corporate saw that,
you'd be fired for sure.
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132. So it's a good thing
that lady is dead.
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133. Are you accusing me
of something, Hector?
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134. Yeah, Philip. Straight up.
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135. I think you murdered that lady.
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136. Well, wait, there's more.
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137. "Meat section". It got a "C-".
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138. Let me see that.
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139. What the?
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140. "Expired ground beef"?
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141. "Poultry above
safe temperature"?
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142. "Spoilage"? I'm doing
the best I can
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143. with the tools they give me.
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144. To hell with that lady.
I'm glad she's dead.
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145. I bet you are, Hector.
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146. 'Cause they would
fire your ass.
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147. And send you back to Mexico.
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148. Lick my,
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149. you ignorant,
white mother,
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150. I'm from Lake Havasu City.
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151. Come on, guys.
No fighting on the floor.
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152. If you want to fight,
do it somewhere else,
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153. but not on my floor.
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154. That's right,
it is your floor, Delvin.
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155. Yeah, you got the most
to lose, Delvin.
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156. Overall store grade... "D."
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157. "D"? Corporate will
shut this store down.
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158. They'll hold me responsible.
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159. I'm here 21 years.
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160. I'm eight years
from retirement.
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161. Looks like you'll be spending
your retirement
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162. in jail, Delvin...
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163. For murder.
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164. I'm not taking the fall
for this. Argh.
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165. Gina.
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166. No!
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167. She used to let me
feel her tits
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168. in the freezer.
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169. I loved her.
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170. I'm gonna
kill you, Delvin.
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171. Hey. Quit leaving me,
you assholes.
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172. Good Lord, this is the stuff
of nightmares.
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173. This grotesquerie visited
upon my eyes.
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174. "Vegan ice cream"?
"Contains no dairy."
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175. "Made from fresh avocado."
What?
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176. I mean, what the?
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177. What the is wrong
with this world?
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178. Dad, do something.
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179. Don't worry, Yung, I bet
they're just gonna talk it out.
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180. Hector... No.
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181. Think of your family
back in Mexico.
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182. I'm third-generation American,
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183. you ignorant, racist,
piece of.
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184. What are you doing, Philip?
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185. Gina and I had been
secretly dating
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186. for the last three months.
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187. Michael, please. Intervene.
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188. No. There's been enough
violence here today.
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189. Well, we don't know who
the murderer was.
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190. But at least we know,
whoever it was, is dead.
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191. What? What happened?
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192. You're alive?
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193. The last thing I remember,
I was reaching for
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194. a jar of mayonnaise
on the top shelf and I...
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195. and I fell backwards.
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196. I hit my head. I think I'm...
I think I'm bleeding.
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197. Oh, ma'am,
I believe this belongs to you.
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198. It's your secret shopper's
report.
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199. Oh...
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200. This is old and from
a different store.
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201. I was just here
shopping for myself
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202. and I used the back of
the paper for my grocery list.
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203. "Mayonnaise."
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204. A mystery team
is a mystery.
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205. Why do they do what they do?
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206. They face dangers grave,
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207. while remaining brave,
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208. - to fight for what's right...
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209. and what's true.
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210. You gotta be
kidding me.
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211. They just left?
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212. Mother! Argh!
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213. Oh, ah.
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214. What is the price
of a gallon of milk?
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215. Realistically,
my best thought...
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216. Four bucks.
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217. - That's very close...
- Oh, Whoo.
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218. A carton of eggs?
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219. A carton of eggs?
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220. Hey... Check this out...
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221. Four bucks.
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