Mike Tyson Mysteries 4x13

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1. This is good chicken.

2. Did you use rosemary?

3. No. Basil.

4. I think it might rain tomorrow.

5. I mean, I think I saw that.

6. You said basil?

7. I think I taste that basil now.

8. Mmm, mmm.

9. Oh, you're tasting rosemary in the potatoes.

10. There's a little rosemary in the potatoes.

11. Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, okay.

12. I've got big news, team.

13. I got you a podcast.

14. The Mike Tyson Mystery Team Podcast.

15. Why?

16. 'Cause you guys are so good together.

17. Your rapport. Your banter.

18. You guys got that great chemistry.

19. I want to leverage that to raise your profile.

20. Get that sponsorship money.

21. What would we talk about?

22. What were you talking about before I came in?

23. Yung was talking about how

24. the decline of manufacturing jobs

25. is really the result of an increase in

26. productivity in manufacturing.

27. What? No, I wasn't.

28. I said it might rain.

29. Well, somebody said it.

30. Oh, wait. It was this podcast I was listening to.

31. I got us a 10:00 p.m. slot

32. at a recording studio over on Tropicana,

33. over by the hospital.

34. We'll record a podcast and submit to, you know,

35. all the major streaming platforms

36. and start watching that money roll in.

37. 10:00 p.m., as in tonight?

38. Oh, yeah, the only other spot was 11:50 a.m.

39. tomorrow morning, and Mike's not a morning guy.

40. Thanks, Deezy.

41. You do not want to podcast with me at that early hour.

42. To the mystery mobile!

43. Okay, guys, we are rolling,

44. so you can go ahead whenever you are ready.

45. Do you guys need a topic?

46. A springboard?

47. Yeah, that's a good one.

48. What's a good one?

49. Springboards. It's like diving boards.

50. I could talk about them all night long.

51. I think they suck. End of discussion.

52. This spring board is going to make summer so much fun.

53. Team, remember that podcast I had you record?

54. Well, I have good news and bad news.

55. Which do you want to hear first?

56. I myself, I like the bad news first,

57. kind of softens the blow a little bit so that—

58. Shut up, Deezy.

59. Jesus, you talk so much for someone

60. who has nothing to say.

61. Just give the news and get the out of here.

62. What's the bad news?

63. - Okay, well— - I don't wanna hear no bad news.

64. Okay, uh, the bad news is we can't put

65. the podcast on the Internet.

66. I listened to it and there's a problem.

67. Okay, what's the good news?

68. The good news is you got a new mystery out of it.

69. Come inside, I'll show you.

70. Springboards. Like diving boards.

71. I could talk about them all night long.

72. I think they suck. End of discussion.

73. How is this a mystery—

74. Shh. Listen.

75. What is that?

76. I don't know. But it's all over the podcast.

77. So this morning I went over to the recording studio to say,

78. "What the hell"? And when I went inside,

79. that sound engineer?

80. That fellow that sat next to me?

81. He was all murdered and cut open

82. and strung up, you know, Silence of the Lambs style.

83. Oh, my God! Did you call the police?

84. Hell, no.

85. And get arrested for a murder I didn't commit?

86. I know what happens to a black man in this country.

87. No. I carefully got down his murdered body,

88. dragged him outside into the alley

89. behind the building

90. and cut him into little pieces,

91. and put the pieces into one-gallon freezer bags

92. and then I put 'em into our freezer.

93. Are you insane?

94. What if there were like, security cameras?

95. Get on the ground! Everybody on the ground!

96. I didn't do it! I swear I didn't do it.

97. All I did was cut him into little pieces.

98. Take my wallet. Whatever's in there

99. you can put towards my bail.

100. He's got three ones in here.

101. What are you doing?

102. He's probably going to

103. "men lay with men" dot com.

104. You know what you are, Pigeon?

105. A homophobe.

106. You're right. I am.

107. I have a phobia of homosexuals. They frighten me.

108. What? I'm not allowed to feel what I feel?

109. Shh!

110. I know what this is.

111. It's a satanic message.

112. We have to listen to it in reverse.

113. I am Lucifuge Rofocale.

114. - Who is Lucifuge Rofocale?

115. Oh, it's no one...

116. just the baddest mother demon in all of Hades!

117. Oh, my God! Could that be him?

118. Water delivery.

119. Oh, you can just put it out back, thanks.

120. Okay, so what does this "Lucifuge" guy want?

121. It's not what he wants,

122. it's what the person who summoned him wants.

123. You see, you only call Lucifuge

124. to make a deal with the devil.

125. Oh, God! Oh, no.

126. Oh, God!

127. Wow.

128. He really didn't want to hear that bad news.

129. There, there, Yung.

130. We're gonna get your father back to life.

131. How?

132. We're gonna find Lucifuge Rofocale

133. and make our own deal with the devil.

134. Did we really need to bring the corpse?

135. Uh, what are we doing here?

136. Okay, wait. I'll be right back.

137. He can do that?

138. Why has he never done that before?

139. You see? This is why I'm homophobic.

140. What is that?

141. It's The Grand Grimoire...

142. an ancient text which when read aloud

143. summons Lucifuge.

144. So, so someone in the recording studio

145. wanted to make a deal with the devil?

146. No, I think it was an accident.

147. I peeked at the sign-in sheet,

148. and right before we recorded our podcast,

149. Tom Hollander recorded The Grand Grimoire

150. as a book on tape.

151. Who's Tom Hollander?

152. What? You've never heard of Tom Hollander?

153. The Tony nominated Tom Hollander?

154. I mean, he was spellbinding in Travesties.

155. Yung, you know who Tom Hollander is, right?

156. No.

157. Mike, you know Tom Holl— Oh, right.

158. That's why we're here.

159. Okay, so how do we find Lucifuge,

160. so we can make a deal with him?

161. Well, remember you don't make the deal with him,

162. he makes the deal with the devil.

163. I know it seems like,

164. "Why do we need the middleman?" But, you know...

165. Aha!

166. What does it say?

167. I have to recite this ancient Sumerian spell.

168. Okay, here we go.

169. "Lucifuge, Lucifuge, Lucifuge, Lucifuge. Come here."

170. Hi guys, hello.

171. Lucifuge Rofocale, here's my card.

172. Now, are you guys interested in making a deal?

173. Because I'm gonna be honest with you,

174. today is a great day to make a deal.

175. So, what are we talking about?

176. I want to make this deal happen today.

177. And I'm on your side.

178. So, what are we thinking?

179. We want to bring my dad back to life.

180. Oh great, you got a trade-in. That's great.

181. That's gonna help.

182. Okay, so what's your best offer

183. that you feel good about,

184. that you can live with, in terms of

185. giving a soul over for eternal damnation?

186. Take mine.

187. - Marquess... - Yung, please.

188. Okay, great.

189. I just need to make a photocopy of your driver's license

190. and I'll go talk to the boss,

191. see what he says, and I'll be right back.

192. Marquess, I just want to apologize to you.

193. I think you giving up your soul proves that

194. there are redeeming qualities to homosexuals.

195. Okay, you know what—

196. Hi, I'm so sorry that took so long.

197. Uh, so, unfortunately we ran your credit

198. and you're already dead,

199. so there's not a lot of value in your soul.

200. Look. I want to make this deal happen.

201. So, you gotta give me something to work with. Please.

202. Take my soul.

203. Yung!

204. Oh, great.

205. A young man in the bloom of his life,

206. this could really move the needle.

207. I don't want to speak for my boss,

208. he's in a little bit of a shitty mood,

209. but I bet I come back with good news.

210. No! Goddamn it. Hold on.

211. Take my soul.

212. It's not worth much, I imagine.

213. I've done things... terrible things.

214. Unspeakable things.

215. And I have regrets.

216. But if someone should burn in hell,

217. I know who that someone should be.

218. You're a bird, man.

219. All animals go to heaven.

220. I mean, even like sharks that eat people...

221. straight to heaven.

222. I used to be a man.

223. Oh! Okay, buddy. Let me see what he says.

224. Pigeon...

225. Hey, we got a deal! Congratulations!

226. What's the good news?

227. - Dad! - Michael.

228. See you in hell, buddy.

229. Okay let's get you entered into the system.

230. Deezy... No last name...

231. Okay. We will see you Mr. Deezy on...

232. August 8, 2051.

233. Ooh.

234. Death by shark. Tiger shark.

235. Hawaii.

236. Right in front of the hotel, two feet of water. Oof.

237. Hey, everyone. I got my sentence reduced

238. from "Desecration of human remains"

239. to "Failure to properly dispose of a human body."

240. Now alls I gotta do is serve 180 days

241. under house arrest and take a class on

242. how to properly dispose of a human body.

243. Hey what's everybody doing in August, 2051?

244. I just got us a family trip to Hawaii.

245. If you book it far enough ahead,

246. you can get a really good deal.

247. Hey, can I go?

248. I don't know, Deezy, it's just for family, not workers.

249. Please! Please, Mike.

250. Sure.

251. Hey, what kind of meat is this?