1. We're here.
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2. - Hey, wake up.
- (EXCLAIMS)
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3. Oh, man,
did you vomit in my car?
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4. (GROANS) What?
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5. Did you vomit
in my car, mother (BLEEP)?
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6. I don't... What?
Get the (BLEEP) out
of my car, mother (BLEEP)!
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7. Okay, okay.
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8. - Get out!
- Okay!
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9. - Just give me
a (BLEEP) second.
- Get out!
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10. Give me
a (BLEEP) second!
- (OBJECTS CLATTERING)
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11. Oh, no.
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12. Oh, I don't feel so good.
(GAGS)
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13. - Hey, don't you
throw up again.
- (GRUNTS)
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14. Oh, I'm not going to throw...
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15. I'm not going to, don't worry.
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16. Oh, just let me...
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17. Ah, oh yeah!
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18. - (PIGEON SIGHS)
- (BLEEP) damn it,
you (BLEEP) piece of (BLEEP)!
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19. - Get out!
- Okay, okay, I'm out! Okay?
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20. Okay.
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21. - (KEYS JANGLING)
Oh, son of a bitch!
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22. Come on, man!
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23. - (ALARM RINGING)
- Ah, (BLEEP) damn it!
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24. Okay.
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25. - Okay, what the hell
is his birthday anyways?
- (KEYPAD BEEPS)
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26. - (ALARM BLARING)
- Mother (BLEEP).
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27. Oh... (SIGHS)
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28. Whoever broke
into my house,
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29. you just made
the worst mistake
of your mother (BLEEP) life.
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30. Who's in the house?
Dad, what's going on?
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31. It's just Pigeon.
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32. Yung, what the (BLEEP)
is my birthday?
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33. June 30th!
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34. No, in computer.
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35. 0-6-3-0.
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36. - (ALARM TURNS OFF)
(EXCLAIMS)
What is going on?
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37. - No, it's okay.
It was just Pigeon.
- Oh.
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38. Marquess, is everything okay?
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39. Yes, Daniel,
everything's fine.
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40. Everyone, you remember Daniel,
my, um...
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41. My friend.
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42. Okay. Daniel, yeah,
you can go back to bed.
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43. I mean, you know.
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44. (CHUCKLES) I mean, you...
To sleep on the couch,
the one that's in my room,
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45. the one that you
fell asleep on,
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46. you know,
when we were just, um...
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47. Playing, uh...
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48. Mmm, poker?
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49. Yeah, we were
playing poker and, um.
Oh, it got late, and, um...
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50. He fell asleep on the couch
that's in my room.
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51. Oh, my God!
What happened to him?
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52. Okay, here's the deal.
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53. We've cleaned the bird up,
we've noticed
a lot of lacerations,
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54. one would require stitches
to close, but the, um...
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55. The larger issue
is the broken wing.
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56. The radius was shattered
and the ulna
has two fractures in it.
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57. Now, I can set the bone
and put what is essentially
a cast on the wing,
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58. and there's a decent chance
at a full recovery.
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59. But that is going to run you
about $650.
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60. - So, most people just elect
to euthanize the animal.
- (GASPS)
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61. Which I'm happy to do.
It's your choice.
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62. You know, a family dog,
obviously, people would
say that's worth it,
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63. but, I mean,
this is just a pigeon, so...
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64. All right, if you say so.
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65. - Go ahead and put him down.
- Michael!
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66. - That's free, right?
- Dad!
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67. What? Everybody says
I spend money foolishly,
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68. and this guy says it costs
650 bucks.
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69. It's not worth it, unless
it's a dog or something, shit.
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70. No, we'll pay.
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71. Oh, okay.
Uh, let me go stop Kelly then.
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72. Kelly!
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73. How are you feeling?
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74. The doctor said you're going
to make a full recovery.
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75. No, he said there's a chance.
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76. What happened?
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77. I don't want to
talk about this.
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78. All right, we respect your...
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79. Okay, I'll tell you about it.
Here's what happened.
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80. I answered an ad
on Craigslist.
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81. "Casual encounters,"
"woman for man,"
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82. subject,
"Large Labia Lovers Only."
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83. Oh, my God.
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84. Yeah, it got my attention too.
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85. "Bring cash," it said.
Obviously, a whore.
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86. But I love large labias
so, what was I supposed to do?
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87. So, I got a room
at a shitty motel,
got real drunk.
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88. I hear a knock at the door,
I open it.
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89. And what do you know, huh?
A big guy,
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90. thick Russian accent
standing there.
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91. (IMITATES RUSSIAN ACCENT)
"Give me your money."
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92. (NORMAL VOICE) Then he
stepped on me
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93. with his dumb (BLEEP)
fake cowboy boots.
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94. He beat the shit out of me.
He took my money.
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95. Thankfully he didn't
see my cell phone
so, I could call a ride home.
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96. Oh, hell, I've got to give
that driver no stars.
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97. (IMITATES DRIVER)
"Don't throw up in my car."
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98. (BLEEP) you!
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99. But anyways,
(STAMMERS) I really don't
want to talk about it.
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100. Okay, Pigeon. But whenever
you're ready to tell us
what happened to you
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101. we'll be right here for you.
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102. "Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
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103. "I was gonna transfer
all of my old home movies
onto a DVD
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104. "but the guy at the
computer store told me
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105. "I should just
put them all on the cloud.
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106. "I'm very confused.
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107. "Also, I think I already
have the cloud,
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108. "but I forgot my password,
I think.
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109. "God Bless, Thomas Hollinger."
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110. "God bless"?
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111. Ooh, this sounds
like a good one.
To the Mystery Mobile!
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112. You guys have fun.
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113. What? Why are you not going?
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114. I'm still recovering.
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115. Mmm! Ah, yeah!
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116. (GASPS) Pigeon!
It's been six months!
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117. You're fully recovered,
and you need to stop
taking those pain pills.
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118. (SIGHS) I'm in pain, asshole.
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119. That's because you haven't
done anything the doctor said.
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120. You're supposed to be
using your wing.
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121. I use my wing plenty,
no thanks to any of you.
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122. Well, except for Marquess.
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123. Marquess was the only one
who would jack me off
with any regularity.
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124. And I thank you, Marquess.
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125. No! Ew! No! No!
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126. I think Yung's point
was you need to be doing
some kind of physical therapy.
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127. You know, Daniel is a healer.
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128. Who the (BLEEP) is Daniel?
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129. What? Daniel is my boy...
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130. Poker buddy. My poker buddy.
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131. And he's very gifted
and has helped
a lot of people.
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132. You should go see him.
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133. Let me think about it... No.
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134. - (CHUCKLES)
- Do it, Pigeon.
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135. Or come with us
and help solve the mystery
of the home video.
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136. Criminy, that's the choice?
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137. They ought to give
people when they
want to go to rehab,
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138. you'd cure drug addiction
overnight in this country.
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139. Mystery of the home videos...
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140. (SIGHS) All right.
Give me your boy...
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141. I mean
your poker buddy's number.
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142. Hey, Pigeon. Where you at?
You home?
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143. Yeah, yeah, I'm home.
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144. And not just physically,
I'm emotionally home.
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145. Ha! Like, for the first time
in my life,
everything feels...
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146. (SIGHS) Congruous.
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147. (CHUCKLES) Does that make
any sense?
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148. Cool, cool. Okay.
I need you to go
over to the computer,
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149. and see if you can
get this guy's home video
up on the cloud.
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150. I'm going to send you a link
and you click on to the link.
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151. Tell me when you're there.
We're at this guy's house
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152. way up in the Ruby Mountains
and there's like
no reception,
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153. so if we lose you,
just call back.
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154. But I'll probably
won't be able to pick up
because there's no reception.
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155. You there yet?
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156. Yeah, I'm here.
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157. You see the cloud?
- Uh, yes.
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158. - You see all the videos
on the cloud?
Yes.
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159. Okay, click on one
and make sure it's working.
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160. I don't trust the cloud.
You know why? Because
I don't understand the cloud.
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161. It's like everybody
made fun of Warren Buffett
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162. because he didn't invest
in those damn
dot-com companies.
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163. Everybody was making
all that money,
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164. and he said it's because
he didn't understand
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165. those dot-com companies.
And he didn't understand why
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166. they were valued so high,
so he didn't invest.
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167. But nobody was laughing
when the dot-com company
crash happened.
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168. Nobody but Warren Buffett.
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169. So, (BLEEP) that cloud.
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170. Until I understand that cloud,
I'm going to stay off
that cloud.
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171. Uh, Mike...
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172. It's like what happened
in the dot-com crash.
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173. You ever heard
of Warren Buffett?
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174. Let me tell you a story
about Warren Buffett.
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175. Mike, you have got to
get out of that house.
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176. What did you say?
Get out of my blouse?
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177. Take off my blouse?
(BLEEP), Pigeon,
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178. it's not that kind
of phone call, man.
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179. You're a sex addict.
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180. Oh, for God's sakes,
get out of there!
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181. Hello? Hello? Hello?
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182. (OVER PHONE) Hello?
- Mike! Mike, can you hear me?
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183. You have to get out
of that house!
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184. Hello?
- Mike, the guy is a murderer!
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185. Got you!
Now leave a message
before I knock you out.
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186. Ruby Mountain
Sheriff's Office.
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187. - (TELEPHONE RINGS)
- Ruby Mountain
Sheriff's Office,
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188. Deputy Bainbridge talking.
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189. (OVER PHONE) Yeah.
Yeah, listen.
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190. You got a guy named
Thomas Hollinger who
lives up in those mountains.
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191. Oh, yeah.
He's that creepy fellow
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192. that lives way up
at the tippy top
of the mountain.
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193. Well, you've got to
get up there
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194. because he's about to
murder a bunch of people.
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195. Well if that's true,
and I'm not saying it's not,
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196. it'd take us about six hours
to get up there.
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197. Six hours?
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198. Well, with all them
twisty-turny roads...
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199. Of course, it's only about
15 minutes as the crow flies.
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200. Okay, (BLEEP) it.
Worse comes to worse,
I commit suicide.
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201. Oh!
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202. Oh, my God! I'm flying!
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203. I'm free!
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204. You saved our lives, Pigeon.
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205. Now let's get the (BLEEP)
out of here.
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206. Aren't you coming?
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207. (LAUGHS) You know,
the old me would make a joke
about ejaculating.
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208. But the new me,
the one who's mind and body
are in harmony,
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209. will just answer the question.
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210. No, I am not coming...
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211. In the van.
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212. (CHUCKLES) Oh, God,
that already sounds
like an ejaculation joke.
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213. No, no, no.
I'm not getting in the van
with you
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214. because I'm flying!
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215. I'll see you
back at the house.
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216. Hey, I love you guys!
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217. I wonder if Pigeon sees
that red-tail hawk
flying towards him?
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218. $825?
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219. Then I think maybe this time
we just put him down.
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220. This is an awesome bird.
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221. You're holding me
too tight, man.
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222. - Female, huh?
- What?
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