1. (ON TV)
And the question here is,
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2. what will the Iowa State
Cyclones do
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3. here on third down.
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4. They've been sputtering
a little bit.
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5. Whoa, Marquess!
My Cal Bears are all over
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6. your Iowa State Cyclones, man.
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7. Huh, what's that?
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8. Your Iowa State Cyclones are
going down, baby.
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9. My what?
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10. Your Cyclones.
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11. They're going down.
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12. I don' know what you're
talking about, I don't...
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13. Ugh. Is this a sport?
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14. In your face, Marquess!
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15. In your face!
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16. Michael, it's a little early
for a crotch chop.
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17. Golden Bears! Golden Bears!
Golden Bears!
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18. Michael, what are you doing?
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19. I am trash-talking you,
Marquess.
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20. Bear Nation, Bear Pride!
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21. Don't worry
how much you get high.
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22. What does that even mean?
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23. We were hibernating,
but now we are awake!
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24. (GROWLS)
Us bears are in the rivers,
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25. eating all the salmon,
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26. but the salmons aren't salmon.
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27. They're the Iowa State
Cyclone salmon!
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28. Hey, weren't you rooting
for Iowa State, like,
10 minutes ago?
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29. I was, but they're losing.
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30. So, now I'm a Cal Bear guy.
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31. Fair weather fan,
always have been.
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32. Life's too short
to root for a loser.
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33. (ON TV) And he explodes
through the hole!
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34. No one's going to catch him,
touchdown, Iowa State!
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35. Cyclones baby, we're
the Iowa State Cyclones.
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36. Give me a "I," give me a "O,"
give me a "State."
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37. Cyclones!
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38. Ooh, flag on the field.
Yeah,
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39. I think this one's
coming back.
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40. I think it's holding
on Iowa State.
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41. That's on the left tackle,
senior Ken Ewadatatupu.
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42. That is...
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43. Oh, man, holding.
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44. Cal Bears baby, Cal Bears,
there we go baby,
in your face!
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45. Okay, well...
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46. It's five o'clock somewhere.
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47. Hey, everyone,
we have a new mystery.
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48. Oh, ooh, let's go.
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49. Oh, you... You want me
to pause the game?
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50. Nah, I don't care
about college football.
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51. If any of them was that good,
they'd be in the pros.
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52. (ON TV)
got hair coming out
of the back of his helmet.
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53. What the (BLEEP) is that?
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54. It's a Bermuda rock slide.
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55. It's basically a Mexican rock
slide, but instead of tequila,
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56. you sub rum.
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57. Why do...
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58. - You want me to make you one?
- Sure.
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59. What? You offered.
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60. Yeah, well, I know.
I was just being polite.
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61. So, you're not going
to make me a drink,
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62. even though you asked me
if you could make me a drink?
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63. Well, they take a long time,
I have to muddle hibiscus.
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64. So, get muddling!
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65. What, I...
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66. - Asshole.
- (CHUCKLES)
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67. Read the mystery, honey.
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68. It says, "Yard Sale."
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69. I don't get it.
What's the mystery?
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70. I don't think it's a mystery.
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71. It's a straight up
advertisement.
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72. And it worked,
it got my attention.
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73. Let's go,
let's go buy some shit.
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74. To the mystery mobile.
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75. - (CAR HONKING)
- Oh, for God's sake, give me
a mother (BLEEP) second.
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76. (GASPS) Ah, ah!
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77. Son of a...
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78. Hold your GD horses, you bunch
of (BLEEP) assholes.
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79. Ah, no, I'll get the door too.
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80. I mean, Pigeon, I'm sorry,
but you could've
actually waited
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81. to take the drink yourself.
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82. It's very full, so here.
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83. - You got it?
- I got it.
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84. Oh! (GASPS)
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85. Oh, I thought you had it.
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86. Seatbelt, Marquess.
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87. I got it, Michael.
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88. I know how to
put that on!
- (ENGINE STARTING)
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89. Well, I'm just so pleased
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90. these things will find
a new home.
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91. My husband would've wanted it
that way.
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92. Oh, did he pass away?
I'm so sorry.
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93. Thank you.
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94. Victor was the love
of my life.
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95. We were soulmates.
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96. Married for 43 years.
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97. Hey, how much
for that stationary bike?
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98. Uh, does $50 sound fair?
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99. - I'll give you $20.
- Michael.
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100. How much for the desk?
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101. Oh, that was Victor's desk.
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102. - I didn't ask that.
- Dad!
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103. It's okay, Yung.
It's all part of the haggle.
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104. - They like it.
- Uh, $40?
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105. No way, Jose. $30.
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106. But then you've got
to throw in the silverware.
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107. This was my grandmother's
silverware.
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108. Hey, let me ask you something.
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109. Did anyone ever put
these forks
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110. - up their butt or buttholes?
- Oh!
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111. Excuse me?
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112. I know it's an uncomfortable
question, ma'am,
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113. but I'll kick myself
if I didn't ask.
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114. I can't imagine anyone doing
anything like that.
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115. I'll tell you what,
throw in the necklace
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116. and we'll call it even.
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117. Oh, this isn't for sale.
I couldn't part with this.
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118. Hmm.
Then just give me that VCR.
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119. So, we're just going
to leave the desk here?
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120. Yeah, now we have
a reception area.
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121. And when people come over,
we'll be like,
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122. "Can I help you?"
And they'll be like,
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123. "Hey, I'm here to see
the Mike Tyson Mystery Team."
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124. And we'll be like,
"It'll just be a moment."
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125. Why don't you just take a seat
on this stationary bike
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126. while you're waiting.
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127. And they'll be like,
"Do you validate for parking?"
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128. And we'll be like, "Yes, we do
let me stamp your ticket."
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129. Now, where's my stamp?
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130. What the (BLEEP) is this?
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131. Well, it's a bunch
of old letters.
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132. They're love letters
to Victor.
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133. Oh, that's that woman's
husband who died.
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134. He must've saved
all the love letters
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135. his wife ever wrote him.
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136. That poor woman would
want these.
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137. - We should take them back.
"My dearest Victor..."
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138. "As the leaves begin to fall,
my heart aches"
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139. "longing for your embrace,"
blah, blah, blah.
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140. Never mentions her (BLEEP).
I don't want these.
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141. To the mystery mobile!
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142. Does anybody need me
to validate their parking
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143. before they go?
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144. We know how much
you miss your husband,
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145. and though
we can't bring him back,
we have something for you
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146. that we hope, at the very
least, will bring you comfort.
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147. Victor must've loved you
a great deal.
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148. He saved all these love
letters you wrote him.
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149. I didn't write this.
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150. I didn't write any of these.
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151. Who's Cathy?
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152. Oh, my God.
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153. Oh, my God.
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154. Victor, you son of a bitch!
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155. How could you?
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156. You were having an affair
with this whore?
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157. My whole life
has been a lie.
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158. My heart hurts.
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159. Are you okay?
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160. My heart!
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161. - (WHISPERS) Oh, dear God.
- My heart!
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162. Oh, no.
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163. - Is she...
- Mmm.
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164. - We should...
- Take her necklace.
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165. No! Call someone.
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166. All right.
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167. - (PHONE DIALING)
- Wait a second.
This one's unopened.
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168. And it's from Victor to Cathy.
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169. - He never mailed it.
- Well, open it.
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170. Maybe he talks
about Cathy's (BLEEP).
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171. Pigeon, no! We are not
going to open it.
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172. We need to find this Cathy
and give it to her. Maybe...
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173. Maybe then there
can be some kind of closure
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174. to this awful situation.
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175. Yeah, uh-huh.
Uh-huh. I hear you.
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176. Is that the police?
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177. No, it's Deezy. He wants
to know if I want to be
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178. a presenter at the
Hip Hop Awards.
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179. (BLEEP) yeah, I do!
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180. As long as my
Iowa State Cyclones
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181. aren't playing that day.
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182. I really think they'll go
all the way this year,
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183. I really do.
Maybe not.
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184. Can I help you?
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185. Hello, we're looking
for a Cathy Walker.
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186. Does she still live here?
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187. No. I've never heard of anyone
named Cathy Walker.
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188. Allan, I'll take care of this.
You go back to the party.
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189. Yes, Mother.
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190. You're looking
for Cathy Walker?
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191. I haven't heard that name
in almost 30 years.
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192. Do you know her?
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193. Oh, little boy,
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194. I was her.
Come inside.
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195. Oh, whose birthday is it?
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196. Why would you ask that?
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197. You don't know any of these
(BLEEP) people.
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198. Who gives a shit
whose birthday it is?
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199. Actually, it's my birthday.
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200. We're about to have cake.
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201. Well, congratu
(BLEEP) lations.
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202. So, what did you mean when you
said you were Cathy Walker?
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203. I was a spy
for the Soviet Union.
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204. My real name is Katia Petrova.
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205. I spent the Cold War
living here
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206. under cover as an American.
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207. But I grew to love this
country and I stopped
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208. passing information
to the KGB.
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209. How did you find me?
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210. We found this.
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211. Victor.
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212. He was my contact.
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213. We communicated only by mail.
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214. Love letters that contained
secret coded information.
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215. Did he ask you
to give this to me?
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216. I'm afraid Victor passed away.
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217. We found this in his desk.
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218. (READING) "Katia.
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219. "I had hoped never to have
to send you this letter.
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220. "So, if you're reading this,
it means we are compromised.
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221. "There must be
no loose ends, I'm sorry.
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222. "The ink in this letter is
a poison
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223. "that has already penetrated
your skin.
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224. "I wish it could be painless,
but it will be anything but.
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225. "Dasvidanya comrade." (GASPS)
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226. Happy birthday, Mother.
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227. (ON MICROPHONE) And the award
to best female
hip-hop artists goes to...
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228. Oh, yeah, my girl,
the Iowa State Cyclone!
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229. For today's episode
we didn't think
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230. we could use Happy Birthday
for, you know,
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231. legal reasons,
so we had a backup plan.
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232. Listen to this.
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233. Yay, yay, yay
It's your birthday
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234. Hey, hey, hey, it's your day
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235. It's not Monday
It's not Tuesday
It's not Wednesday
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236. I (BLEEP) the days up.
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