Mike Tyson Mysteries 3x17

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Mike Tyson visits some land he owns in New Mexico.

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1. Half?

2. Mike, this is a standard arrangement.

3. There's no prenuptial agreement,

4. there are no custody issues to deal with. It's very cut and dry.

5. As your wife,

6. Carol's entitled to half of your income for the duration of your marriage.

7. So, that comes to...

8. - Twenty-three million dollars. - What?

9. We got married on Friday, it's Monday!

10. Well, it's Tuesday,

11. and on Monday, you received the balloon payment

12. from a settlement with the greater New England boxing authority for $46 million.

13. Shit! Should've came here on Monday.

14. Man! But we are trying to make it work.

15. Well Carol, I wish you the best.

16. I honestly do.

17. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing.

18. Except I probably should've came in here on Monday.

19. Am I really getting $23 million?

20. Mike, hey, I actually have something else for you to sign.

21. What does she want, Yung Hee?

22. - I should have full custody of Yung Hee. - No, Mike.

23. I guess she could have her during the week,

24. and I guess every other weekend and holidays.

25. She can have those too.

26. - Those are stressful. - No, Mike.

27. Maybe it'd be good.

28. I could turn Yung's room into uh, like studio.

29. Like art studio,

30. or a music studio,

31. or a studio apartment.

32. Rent it out maybe for like $23 million.

33. Mike, this is about something else.

34. We finally settled with Dunbar about the property in New Mexico.

35. What property in Mexico?

36. New Mexico...

37. (CHUCKLES) No, you're thinking of New York, but go on.

38. The 2,600 acres of scrubland outside of Las Cruces.

39. It was gonna be a hazardous waste storage site.

40. We just finished construction on a mile-and-a-half deep cement line pit

41. when the county sued and the other investors backed out.

42. Look, I think the smartest thing we could do is sell and be done with it.

43. Cut your losses, which I don't have to tell you have been significant.

44. Are you crazy?

45. You're telling me I own 2,600 acres of scrubland all to myself?

46. Pinch me.

47. Mike, I strongly advise you to sell this property.

48. Don't be strongly advising me, mother-(BLEEP), I just met you.

49. Mike, I've been your lawyer for 17 years.

50. Our families have taken vacations together.

51. I'm, I'm Yung's godfather.

52. I only have Yung half the time now, so you have to take that up with Carol.

53. I'm not selling that property!

54. Okay, everybody, guess what?

55. We're only 63 miles away.

56. Away from what? Our shallow graves?

57. How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not gonna kill you.

58. Then why are we blindfolded and tied up?

59. You're blindfolded so you can't see where we're going, okay?

60. Surprise factor.

61. And you're tied up so you won't take off your blindfolds, okay?

62. Just be happy I took the duct tape off your mouth, okay?

63. Because I will put that (BLEEP) back on so fast.

64. Okay, we're here. I'm gonna take off your blindfold,

65. but keep your eyes shut, okay?

66. Okay, open.

67. Ah. Is my blindfold still on? Because I can't see anything.

68. What is this?

69. Wow! This is not the reaction I was expecting.

70. In my mind, it was going to be a lot of high fiving, a lot of hooting and hollering.

71. A lot of, "Thank you for driving this 10 hours

72. "to see this 2,600 acres of undeveloped scrubland."

73. Is that what we're looking at? Scrubland?

74. And what even is scrubland?

75. Land you can't do anything with.

76. You can't farm on it, you can't build anything on it...

77. Scrubland! And I own 2,600 acres of it.

78. Okay, great. Now, can we turn around and go home?

79. No way, Jose. I gotta get a good look at this land in the light of the day.

80. Figure out what I'm gonna do with it.

81. I thought you just said you just can't do anything with it.

82. Don't tell me what I can and can't do mother-(BLEEP), I just met you.

83. What?

84. Oh! This is cute.

85. Kitschy... Oh, no, filthy.

86. - (MARQUESS GRUNTS) - Dad!

87. - (MARQUESS GASPS) - I'm sorry.

88. It's just when I hear a bell, it's instinctive.

89. I go for the knockout every time.

90. - What the hell y'all want? Ugh.

91. Oh, um, we just wanted a couple of rooms for the night.

92. Y'alls with the federal government?

93. Yes, yes. That is President Jimmy Carter.

94. That's Vice Presidential candidate, Geraldine Ferraro.

95. This is Secretary of Defense, Caspar Weinberger.

96. And I am minority whip Trent Lott, from the great state of Mississippi.

97. (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) And yes, we would like a room.

98. Look, I'm not trying to be threatening.

99. Okay, well, maybe we put down the shotgun then.

100. My dad and all my uncles say there're tons of federal agents undercover 'round here.

101. They're preparing to impose martial law and take away our rights!

102. They want to do population control.

103. Make this like Canada or some shit.

104. - All your uncles? - What?

105. You said, "My dad and all my uncles."

106. How many uncles do you have? Like more than the normal amount?

107. Are you making fun of me, bird?

108. No, no one's making fun of you.

109. We're, we're just tired,

110. and we'd love a couple of rooms, some down pillows,

111. and I don't know if room service is still going on,

112. but I would love, because we ate nothing but fast food on the drive here,

113. a field-green salad, and if you have wild salmon,

114. or chicken breast, you could just throw that on there, dressing on the side.

115. You know what? No. Don't even tempt me.

116. No dressing at all, just a lemon wedge, hmm?

117. Maybe a slice of cheesecake.

118. Oh, please. They only had one room left?

119. All the other rooms are booked?

120. I mean, is this the tourist season of the middle of nowhere?

121. Yeah, well, on the bright side they have the HBO.

122. Oh no, the power button is stuck.

123. And I don't want to know what it's stuck with.

124. Now, the question of the night. Who sleeps with whom?

125. - I call Pigeon. I want to sleep with the pigeon. - What?

126. You take up such little room, it's like sleeping with a stuffed animal.

127. Aww.

128. Good thinking, Toby. Getting them all into one room.

129. Thanks, Uncle Jeff.

130. Easier to keep track of these slippery sons' of bitches.

131. That's what I was thinking, Uncle Steve.

132. That's exactly what I was thinking.

133. They're definitely feds.

134. Only the government would think to put together

135. a white, a black and a Chinese.

136. - Uh-huh, uh-huh. - Don't forget the bird, Uncle Steve.

137. You know why they're here, don't you?

138. - To take our guns! No!

139. - (ALL BLABBING) - Uh-huh, uh-huh.

140. That's what they're here to do. - Hey, everybody!

141. - Uncle Davey! - Don't worry about Davey.

142. We got bigger fish to fry!

143. Uncle Mike, Uncle Terry, take a look at this.

144. Is it a man and woman screwing?

145. - (CHUCKLES) I enjoy watching that stuff. - No, no!

146. It's, it's undercover federal agents.

147. Well, then you know who we need to call.

148. - Uncle Dick? Uncle Dick.

149. - Yeah. - Dick is involved.

150. How may I help you?

151. - Call Dick. - (PHONE BEEPS)

152. Sorry, I'm not sure what you said. - (PHONE BEEPS)

153. Call Dick!

154. - (PHONE BEEPS) Sorry, I'm not sure what you said.

155. - (PHONE BEEPS) - Dick, dick!

156. - (PHONE BEEPS) (REPEATEDLY) Dick!

157. - Dick! - Tell it Dick!

158. My, God! Get Dick on my horn.

159. God dang it, I need some Dick in my ear!

160. My God, I owe you an apology. This is beautiful.

161. And only 10 hours from where we live. We can come here all the time.

162. Okay, we have seen it, now can we go?

163. I know what I want to do with this land.

164. What I need to do with this land.

165. I grew up in the city on the main streets. Gangs, violence...

166. But what if I could pick that all the way,

167. and put it somewhere so it can't hurt anybody, anymore.

168. God, dang it! Why, can you hear anything?

169. I can't hear, jack-(BLEEP). Hey Dick!

170. Dick! What's going on with your equipment?

171. What? The chord won't reach!

172. You guys got it all tangled!

173. - Well, jerk it, Dick. - Give it a jerk, Dick.

174. Jerk that, Dick.

175. Well, I'm jerking it but it's not coming!

176. Oh, for God's sake, tug on it.

177. Tug that, Dick, and it'll come!

178. Listen to him, tug it! - (ALL BLABBING)

179. Give it a release!

180. - Spit on the thing! He's doing it! He's doing it!

181. Grip it and tug it!

182. Okay guys, listen... This is what we're gonna do.

183. We're gonna take away everyone's guns and bring them here,

184. and melt them down,

185. so that no one has guns anymore.

186. I mean at least no private citizen.

187. And of course the police can keep their guns.

188. You heard the government man!

189. - Let's get 'em! - (ALL CHEERING)

190. Or I could use this land to build a theme park

191. like Dollywood or some shit.

192. Mike Tysonland.

193. Roller coasters, Ferris wheels, cotton candy.

194. I don't know anything about guns.

195. You know hunters are sportsmen, that seems okay.

196. And you gotta protect your family.

197. But then, I can see the other side too.

198. That's why I really shouldn't get involved.

199. What is that?

200. What are those?

201. Vehicles?

202. Is that the kid from the motel?

203. (GASPS) I bet I left my eye cream in the motel room,

204. and they're bringing it to me.

205. Oh, well, that is good customer—

206. (SCREAMS) They're shooting at us!

207. Oh, somebody shot me!

208. - Oh no, Mike! - Uncle Mike!

209. Now, I'm falling out of the truck!

210. He's falling out of the truck!

211. Push him out! His time has come!

212. Keep going!

213. - (ALL BLABBING) - Faster! Faster!

214. Oh, damn. I don't think we could build a theme park.

215. - (SHOOTING IN THE DISTANCE) - One, I don't know anything about building a theme park.

216. - (SHOOTING AND CHEERING) - Two, I just remembered,

217. - there's a mile-and-a-half deep cement line pit... - (GUNS FIRING)

218. - ... somewhere around here. - (ALL SCREAMING)

219. What happened?

220. Oh, Marquess.

221. I'm sorry, but I don't think you're getting back your eye cream.

222. Tell me about Tyson town.

223. If I had Tyson Town...

224. It would be, um, it would be more like a jumping park for kids.

225. You know, have all these big giant jumpy things.

226. Castles, the eggs, and they jump on everything.

227. And the kids could run around and jump in the pond, and...

228. It'll just be awesome for the kids, that's all.

229. Would it have anything to do with boxing?

230. - No way. - (INTERVIEWER LAUGHS)