1. Oh!
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2. Look at this darling crudite
plate you've put together.
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3. Don't mind if I do. (SQUEALS)
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4. Well, I mind if you do.
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5. We're bringing this to
the neighbor's house tonight.
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6. - What neighbors?
- The ones down on the corner.
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7. They invited us
to dinner tonight.
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8. Who invited us
to dinner tonight?
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9. Apparently, our neighbors.
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10. And what corner
are you talking about?
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11. The one towards the freeway,
the ones with the
big driveway.
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12. The Goodmans. John Goodman.
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13. - John Goodman, the actor?
- Huh?
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14. Our neighbor is
John Goodman,
the actor?
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15. I don't know what he does
for a living.
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16. He's the guy from Roseanne.
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17. He's in all those
Coen Brother movies.
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18. Argo.
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19. Argo wasn't
a Coen Brothers movie.
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20. You better bet your butt
it was.
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21. Takes place in Fargo,
North Dakota.
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22. The Coen Brother wife
won an Academy Award.
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23. You better look it up, man.
It's called Fargo.
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24. Right, but you said "Argo.'
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25. Right. And John Goodman
is in it. Look it up.
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26. Well, this is exciting.
And it's tonight?
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27. What's tonight?
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28. - What was that?
- Oh, the applause?
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29. I had that installed.
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30. The alarm guy was here
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31. and I gave him a couple
of bills to put this in.
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32. There's a speaker
under the sink.
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33. But, seriously,
what's tonight?
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34. We have all been invited
to have dinner
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35. in the home of none other
than the great character
actor, John Goodman.
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36. Dinner at John Goodman's, huh?
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37. I guess we shouldn't count on
any leftovers.
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38. Where are these sensors?
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39. Oh, hey. Whose idea was it
to bring these vegetables?
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40. Not John Goodman,
that's for sure.
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41. Okay, can you turn that off?
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42. I have a better idea.
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43. Why don't I turn you on?
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44. Ugh!
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45. One day, I swear to God,
I'm gonna
break his little neck
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46. and bury him in the backyard.
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47. The audience
does not like you, Yung.
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48. Michael, you didn't wanna
wear something different?
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49. Oh, damn.
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50. Well, now what are you
gonna do with that?
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51. Well, I'll just leave it here.
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52. I bet I never have to wear
that ugly-ass tracksuit again.
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53. Ooh, nice bush.
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54. Ugh!
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55. Oh, hi. Welcome.
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56. What...
You're not John Goodman.
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57. - Gil Zakaryan.
- Yeah. Gil Zakaryan.
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58. Not John Goodman.
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59. Hey, Gil. I hope you and Helen
like the crudite platter.
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60. I'm so glad
we're finally doing this.
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61. Oh! What is that?
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62. Oh, yeah. I didn't know what
to put in that middle part
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63. so I just did butter.
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64. Who doesn't like butter,
right?
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65. So, Gil, what is it
that you do for a living?
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66. I was telling these guys
you're in The Big Lebowski.
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67. Oh, I'm a radiologist,
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68. although Helen keeps
asking me to retire.
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69. She wants to travel more.
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70. Well, I could see both sides.
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71. Oh, Gil, did we already say
what you did for a living?
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72. Yes. Radiology.
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73. That's right.
Then we talked about Helen
wanting to travel more.
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74. Oh, my lord.
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75. - Can I have another drink?
- (TIMER DINGS)
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76. What the f— is that?
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77. Oh, that's just telling me
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78. to take the salmon
out of the oven.
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79. Oh, good. We're having salmon.
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80. Does anybody else's salmon
tastes weird, like,
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81. it's fishy, like it's rotten?
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82. (STAMMERS) It's delicious.
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83. Yours tastes just like mine,
Marquess.
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84. I'm so sorry. I could get you
something else.
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85. No, I don't want you
to have to go
through a lot of trouble.
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86. What kind of cereal
do you got?
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87. Um, we have
a bran type with raisins.
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88. I think we have granola
and maybe some muesli.
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89. I'll take the muesli.
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90. So, Mike, what are you doing
these days?
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91. Oh, not much.
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92. Watch reality television,
hang out.
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93. I eat, I sleep,
I drive around sometimes,
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94. I go for walks, go for runs,
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95. fishing, hiking,
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96. long walks on the beach
just holding hands,
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97. maybe a quiet dinner sometime.
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98. No strings attached.
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99. In the end, it's not the years
you put in life that count,
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100. it's the life you put
in the years that count.
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101. Um, Michael has a mystery team
that we are all part of.
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102. Mysteries? Oh,
that's got to be interesting.
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103. Nope.
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104. You know, we've got
a little mystery ourselves.
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105. This was our son's bedroom,
but when he went away
to college,
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106. we decided to convert it
into a home office.
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107. I mean, I've always
wanted to write a book
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108. about my experiences
as a radiologist.
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109. Oh, can I pre-order that?
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110. We just got
the carpeting done.
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111. Cost a fortune.
That and those blinds.
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112. But, Helen was in charge
of all that
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113. and I'm not supposed
to ask any questions,
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114. just write the checks.
(LAUGHS)
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115. (GROANS) Is the mystery
why Helen thinks
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116. louvered blinds
are still a thing?
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117. Oh, no. Oh, damn,
I missed my mouth.
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118. Who has a paper towel? Anyone?
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119. I'll get it.
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120. So, long story short...
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121. What is the point
of saying that?
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122. No one ever says anything
short enough.
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123. And saying that takes up
even more time.
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124. Christ, why am I talking? Now
I'm wasting all of our time,
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125. and I'm sorry for that,
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126. but at least I don't preface
taking up all of our time
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127. by saying, "I'm not gonna
take up all of our time."
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128. And yes, I'd f— Helen.
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129. But first, pants her,
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130. and spank that shitty cook
for that meal. (CHUCKLES)
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131. That salmon, awful!
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132. I mean, just awful.
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133. I'm sorry for you, Gil.
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134. Spent all day radiologing,
whatever the f— that is,
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135. and then you come home
to a meal like that? Awful!
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136. That's better.
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137. So, as I was saying,
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138. this was going to be
this home office,
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139. and we can't get
the Internet in here.
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140. And I've called
the cable company,
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141. and they gave me a booster,
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142. and then
they reset the router,
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143. and they say
the signal is strong,
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144. so, it's a mystery.
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145. No Internet.
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146. That's our mystery!
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147. The real mystery is
where your wife went
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148. for that paper towel.
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149. Did she go
to the corner store?
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150. I mean, if I knew she was
going to the corner store,
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151. I would've had her pick me up
some rubbers
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152. and a pack of smokes.
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153. What? How is that
happening here?
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154. Don't get hung up
on the logic, just enjoy it.
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155. It's fun. We're having fun.
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156. Here's the thing,
John Goodman.
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157. I wanna help you
with your mystery, right?
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158. I really do.
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159. But I don't like mixing
business and friendship.
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160. You and your wife, Gil,
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161. you guys mean the world to me,
you know?
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162. I'm not saying no.
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163. I'm just saying
let me think about it, okay?
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164. Damn, motherf—-- damn!
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165. My crudite platter.
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166. - Let's go, let's go!
- Dad, slow down!
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167. Why do you need
your crudite platter so bad?
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168. Yung, that was a gift
from your mother.
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169. - My mother?
- What?
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170. She left two things
at my doorstep.
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171. You and that crudite platter,
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172. and she said,
"Take equal care of both."
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173. You've never said any of this.
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174. What else did she say?
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175. I don't know.
After that, it was all a blur.
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176. But I made her a promise,
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177. and I'm gonna
honor that promise
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178. for the rest of my life.
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179. Michael, can't we just
get it tomorrow?
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180. No. If we go over there
in the light of day,
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181. they'll want us to solve
their Internet mystery,
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182. and I don't know
s— about electronics.
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183. And then that guy
will be disappointed,
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184. and I'll lose my only friend
in the whole world.
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185. Uh, "only friend"?
What about us?
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186. That's a one-way friendship.
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187. You guys like me,
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188. but with the other guy,
we like each other.
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189. He's a radiologist.
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190. I esteem him.
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191. All right, get down in there.
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192. What? What for?
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193. We'll get under their house,
tunnel up,
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194. and get the platter,
and nobody'll be the wiser.
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195. We can't just climb
into a window, Marquess.
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196. Somebody will see us.
And I'm a celebrity,
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197. and that shit will be all over
TMZ, man.
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198. And guess what then?
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199. No more Mike Tyson Mysteries.
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200. What, that's not funny?
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201. I thought... I thought
that was supposed to be funny.
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202. Here you go, little buddy.
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203. Oh, thank you for placing me
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204. directly into this
fecal matter.
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205. Hmm, now, what pipe would lead
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206. directly into
their living room?
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207. Yeah, you'd think
they'd be marked.
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208. Ooh, here we go.
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209. What? What on Earth is this?
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210. (SOFTLY) Wait here.
I'll go get the platter.
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211. Why do they have a staircase
to the sewer?
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212. (SOFTLY) She didn't
even wash it.
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213. Do you guys hear that?
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214. This doesn't look
like 75 kilos.
Explain yourself!
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215. Is it safe to talk here?
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216. The Feds,
they can listen anywhere.
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217. It's safe. I had
signal scrambles installed.
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218. I know it's working because
we have no Internet
in the room above us.
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219. My f—--- husband
keeps bitching about it.
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220. Okay. Okay.
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221. We're having supply problems
in Acuna.
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222. Everything is going
through Laredo,
and it's a nightmare.
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223. Hey, excuses
are like assholes,
everyone's got one.
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224. Oh, damn, she's a drug dealer.
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225. Hey, policia!
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226. You son of a...
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227. The gun battle went on
for 20 minutes.
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228. Helen, who I knew as a wife,
a mother, a great cook,
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229. a talented home decorator,
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230. but who the Zetas cartel
knew as La Diabla,
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231. was killed.
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232. Shot 14 times.
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233. As a radiologist, I use
imaging techniques to see
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234. even the smallest
evidence of disease,
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235. yet as a husband I was blind
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236. to something
even more insidious.
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237. To make a long story short...
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238. Oh, my God.
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239. My wife was using our home
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240. as the cocaine
distribution hub
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241. for the entire
Western United States.
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242. The end.
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243. He said, "The end."
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244. What... Michael,
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245. you don't wanna wear
something different again?
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246. Oh. Oh, my God.
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247. Why don't you
just wear the tux
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248. so you don't need
the tracksuit?
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249. Is this because you're
trying to be James Bond?
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250. You are, aren't you? Okay.
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251. Take the shoes off.
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252. Michael? Okay, there you go.
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253. You should do that first
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254. and then this would be
a lot easier.
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255. Do you need some help?
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256. Hmm? Okay.
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257. Fix your sleeve.
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258. On your jacket.
Can you fix it?
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259. There you go... No.
You didn't do it.
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260. Michael?
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261. So no shoes? Just a tux
with white socks.
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262. All right. It is what it is.
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