1. Thank you all
for coming out.
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2. We're here, of course,
to celebrate Miles and
his tremendous weight loss.
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3. He worked with me
and the team
for the past six months.
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4. And today, we get to show you
the result of his hard work.
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5. So, ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the new
and improved,
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6. Miles Kleffman.
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7. Who are all these people?
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8. They're all your
friends, Miles.
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9. I don't have any friends.
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10. Yeah, I know but
that seemed very depressing
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11. so we're paying these people
to cheer for you.
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12. Now, before we find out
your current weight
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13. let's remind all your friends
what you used to look like.
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14. Whoa! Oh, my God.
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15. I forgot how (BLEEP)
fat you were. Damn!
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16. But let's see what
you weigh now.
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17. One hundred
and ninety-seven pounds.
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18. - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
- What an incredible
transformation.
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19. How did we get here?
Well, let's just roll the tape
to find out.
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20. Okay, we're approaching
the house of
Miles Kleffman.
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21. The 31-year old,
Caucasian male, you know.
Think Ryan Gosling.
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22. Like if Ryan Gosling ate
a whole other Ryan Gosling
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23. and maybe a couple more
Ryan Goslings after that.
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24. Miles send us a pigeon
with a note asking
for our help
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25. to get him in shape and
help him lose the weight.
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26. Oh! Hello. Are we on TV?
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27. No, this is my agent Deezy.
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28. He's just filming
this particular mystery
to protect us from, you know,
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29. any liabilities in the result
of your, you know, death.
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30. Because you're so fat
and whatnot, you know.
Come on.
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31. Thanks so much for coming.
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32. I just feel like if I don't
get help now I don't know
how much longer...
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33. Oh, I didn't hit "Record".
Can you say that again?
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34. Jesus Christ,
can you do anything?
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35. Give the camera to
the Japanese girl and get
the (BLEEP) out of here.
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36. (BLEEP) you, mother (BLEEP).
You get out of here.
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37. - We're working.
- We're working?
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38. We're working?
You're not on the team,
(BLEEP) for brains.
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39. Well, that's not really
your call now,
is it, Pigeon?
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40. That's Mike's call.
Mike says whether or not
I'm on the team.
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41. Mike, is Deezy
on the team?
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42. No.
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43. Whoa, whoa, wait.
We don't have to make
decisions right now.
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44. I mean, Mike's a got a lot
on his plate.
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45. First, let's table this.
We can talk about it
at the next team meeting.
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46. Uh, Miles,
you were saying, my man?
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47. (CHEWING) I just don't know
where to start.
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48. Well, you could start
by putting down that...
What is that?
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49. It's a cake sandwich.
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50. What the (BLEEP)
is a cake sandwich?
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51. Well, traditionally,
two pieces of bread
with cake in the middle.
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52. But what I like to do is
two pieces of cake... (GROANS)
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53. With a piece of cake
in the middle.
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54. - Mmm.
- Mmm-hmm. Okay.
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55. Have you ever thought of
snacking on vegetables?
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56. I like to make myself
a little crudite plate in
the afternoon...
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57. I don't like vegetables.
I don't like the way
they taste.
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58. What about juicing?
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59. Mmm, interesting idea, Yung.
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60. I mean, I never had to do it.
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61. But it is a way to
get results fast.
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62. Maybe we can just start
with some testosterone.
A little blood doping.
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63. Deezy could hook you up
with all that (BLEEP).
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64. Dad, what are you
talking about?
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65. Juicing, anabolic steroids.
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66. Um, I'm talking about juicing
fruits and vegetables.
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67. Oh, oh, oh. Oh...
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68. Deezy, you're gonna
wanna edit that (BLEEP) out.
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69. Yeah, I wouldn't worry
about it, Mike.
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70. I'm guessing, uh,
Scorsese over here
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71. forgot to hit "Record" again.
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72. Oh, (BLEEP). Hey, can we
take that again? This button
is a little sticky.
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73. Hello, I'm Mrs. Kleffman.
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74. Miles's mom.
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75. Nice to meet you, ma'am.
We're here help your son
lose some weight.
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76. What? Miles doesn't need to
lose any weight.
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77. Why? So he can get in shape
and find a job
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78. and meet a pretty girl
and start a family
and leave me to die alone?
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79. - He is perfect just
the way he is.
- (MILES MUMBLING)
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80. We basically
have three tiers
of memberships available.
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81. I'll be honest with you.
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82. I think our best one
is our Platinum membership
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83. which is 36 months
at $300 down
and $29 a month.
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84. That gets you 24-hour access
to the gym and unlimited
cardio classes and...
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85. I'm just gonna be honest
with you. You came at
the perfect time
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86. because I think they're not
gonna offer that deal
for that much longer.
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87. Okay, let's do it.
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88. Hold it, Mike. 36 months?
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89. That's too big a commitment.
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90. We don't wanna be
involved with the same guy
for 36 months.
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91. Come on, now.
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92. You got anything less than
36 months?
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93. Our Silver level is 18 months
but I'm gonna be honest
with you.
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94. That's not as good a deal
as the Platinum.
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95. Man, why do keep saying that?
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96. Keep saying that "I'm gonna be
honest with you."
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97. You know, I think is you're
a (BLEEP) liar.
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98. How much is the Silver one?
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99. Oh, that's $400 down
and $19 a month.
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100. But no cardio classes
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101. and you can only use
the locker room on
off-peak time.
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102. And what are those times?
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103. Well, peak times
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104. are between
8:00 a.m. and 10 a.m.
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105. and 12:00 p.m. and 2:00 p.m.
and 4:00 p.m. and 7:00 p.m.
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106. And that's when you can use it
or you can't use it?
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107. Can't use it.
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108. And what's in there?
- Uh, what?
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109. What's in that locker room?
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110. Oh, I'm gonna be honest
with you. It's just
a regular locker room.
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111. That means he's lying.
I bet it's a great
locker room.
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112. What is this, 1950? (CHUCKLES)
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113. Look at this bitch,
air drying her sheets.
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114. Oh, (BLEEP).
It's that kid's pants.
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115. Oh, we're getting rid of
all this food
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116. but what he really need is
rid of his that mother.
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117. I mean she is so afraid of
being alone
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118. that she's basically willing
to throw her own
son's life away...
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119. That's so funny.
That's some...
That's very funny, Pigeon.
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120. I didn't say anything.
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121. You are such an asshole.
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122. I mean, I'm sorry
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123. but getting this young man
a gym membership
is pointless.
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124. Michael is delusional
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125. if he thinks... (LAUGHING)
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126. Aw, Pigeon.
Ah, that is so funny.
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127. What?
What did you say, Pigeon?
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128. Well, I was talking
about this friend of mine
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129. who went to the doctor
'cause he had a sore back
and they told him...
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130. He has about six months
to live, at most.
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131. Man, he has two young kids.
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132. Then, Marquess
started laughing.
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133. You know, I don't get it.
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134. I just don't understand
how someone could
laugh at that.
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135. That's (BLEEP) up, Marquess.
That's real (BLEEP) up.
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136. Did you get the gym
membership?
- Nah.
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137. I didn't have my wallet and
Deezy got bad credit.
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138. We'll just had to work
him out in the backyard.
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139. You're just a huge,
big asshole.
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140. I'll tell you
what the kid needs
is Yung his (BLEEP).
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141. (GASPS) What?
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142. Huh? Calm down.
It's not what you think.
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143. You're saying he needs
to have sex with me.
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144. Oh. It is what you think.
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145. I'm sorry. How would that
help him lose weight?
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146. Let me tell you a story.
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147. I was once a fat shit
no different than Miles there.
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148. I was 13 and miserable.
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149. One day my Dad shows up
out of nowhere and throws me
in the car with him.
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150. Says we're going out
on a fishing trip.
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151. Well, we drove all night.
He was a drunk.
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152. Didn't talk much.
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153. I think I was asleep when
we crossed the border
into Mexico.
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154. Some small place.
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155. We pulled up. I said,
"Is this the lake?"
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156. Ha, he just laughed
and went in.
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157. It was a whorehouse,
of course.
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158. They brought 'em up,
lined 'em up.
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159. He had me choose.
Oh, I'll never forget it.
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160. Older, smelled
like cigarettes.
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161. She laughed
and took me upstairs.
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162. I remember looking back
at my father but he was busy,
picking out one for himself.
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163. (SCOFFS) What a piece of shit.
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164. My God,
what are you telling us?
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165. Huh?
That I (BLEEP) this woman.
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166. Yeah, I felt great for
the first time in my life.
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167. Got a ton of confidence.
Lost a bunch of weight.
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168. Why, it turned my life around.
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169. Welp,
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170. something to think about.
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171. He is seriously disturbed.
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172. I know, that's so crazy.
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173. (THINKING) Or is it?
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174. It's not like my virginity
doesn't constantly weigh
on my shoulders.
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175. It's like a noose around
my neck.
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176. I mean, if you look past
the physical stuff,
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177. he is a person.
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178. A heart, a soul. (SIGHS)
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179. Come on, Yung.
What are you so scared of?
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180. (EXHALES) I'm gonna do it.
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181. I'm gonna lose my virginity
to Miles Kleffman.
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182. Oh, damn!
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183. - Yeah, okay. No, I'm not.
- You're not what?
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184. He got it all over
my (BLEEP) shoes.
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185. Come on, we're getting
out of here now, man.
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186. We solved the mystery.
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187. Mom! Mom!
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188. Miles, honey.
What happened to you?
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189. Oh, you poor thing.
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190. I'm gonna draw you a bath
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191. and then I'm gonna make you
a grilled cheese sandwich.
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192. Shame on you people.
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193. You pushed him too hard.
He can't do it.
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194. Miles, you might not
wanna hear this
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195. but if you wanna
change your life
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196. you gonna have to free
yourself from your mother.
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197. I know you can do this.
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198. (EXCLAIMS)
You're covered in vomit.
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199. For us the journey ended
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200. but for Miles,
it was just the beginning.
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201. Aside from all the support
we gave you that one day,
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202. when we were
at your house, um,
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203. what do you think was the key
to your success?
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204. Well, I took your advice
and went out and got a juicer.
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205. Wow, that's tremendous.
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206. - Let's hear it for Miles.
Come on.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
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207. Now, I'm sure it wasn't easy.
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208. There must have been days
when you cheated on your diet.
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209. Well... (LAUGHS)
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210. I knew it, I knew it.
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211. Well, as a fun surprise
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212. what do you say we take a look
at a little secret footage
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213. that we got here from our
snack cam.
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214. What are you talking about?
You put cameras in my house?
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215. Roll it, Yung.
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216. Oh, Miles.
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217. Check those pajamas, man.
You look hungry.
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218. What are we gonna get into?
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219. Pie? Miles, what are you
thinking, fool?
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220. Okay, fast forward.
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221. Ah, (BLEEP).
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222. What's he gonna do?
What's he gonna do?
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223. Oh, I do that. Okay, okay,
let's see one more.
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224. Let's see one more.
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225. Can we just stop it?
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226. Come on, Miles,
we're just having some fun.
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227. Uh-oh. Looks like your mom's
got the munchies too, Miles.
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228. Hope you got enough bacon.
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229. What the (BLEEP)?
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230. - (CLANKING)
Oh.
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231. Oh... Oh, my God.
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232. Holy (BLEEP),
he juiced his mom!
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233. I told you, you should have
(BLEEP) him.
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234. (CLICKS TONGUE)
I taste a little nectar here,
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235. a little orange is in there.
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236. What's that word?
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237. Starts with, uh...
Pomegranate in here.
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238. Pomegranate is good.
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239. We keep calling it
Chinese apples,
it's pomegranate.
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240. Mmm.
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241. It could be orange.
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242. I didn't wanna say
the word, "Juice".
There's juice in here as well.
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