1. Okay, everybody,
we have a new mystery.
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2. What the hell is this?
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3. Is that Chinese?
- Is it, Yung?
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4. - Why would I know?
- Because you're Korean.
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5. Okay.
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6. Which is
a kind of Chinese.
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7. No.
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8. Oh, Yung,
sometimes I wonder
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9. if homeschooling you
was a big mistake.
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10. Yeah, I've told you it was.
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11. "My name is Wang Jing
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12. "and I want you to
come to Nicaragua
and help me construct
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13. "the largest canal
in the world."
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14. You speak Chinese?
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15. There's a bunch of stuff
you guys don't know about me.
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16. Do you even know my name?
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17. Pigeon.
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18. Richard.
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19. Richard sounds like pigeon.
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20. Oh, man,
what's the point?
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21. Dad, I've heard about this
Nicaragua canal thing.
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22. It's crazy!
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23. It would be three times
as long as the Panama Canal.
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24. And from what I understand,
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25. building it
would be catastrophic
for the environment,
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26. and financially,
it makes no sense.
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27. Where did you hear about that?
It wasn't on my curriculum.
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28. Marquess got me a subscription
to The Economist.
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29. Uh, well, I...
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
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30. I also got you a subscription
to Marie Claire,
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31. and I'd like to see
you pick it up
once in a while.
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32. They have great hair
and makeup tips.
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33. I mean, you...
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34. You've got the inner
beauty thing down,
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35. but let's not forget
what's going on out front.
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36. Dad, you seriously shouldn't
get involved with this.
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37. I have to, honey.
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38. Dad, what are you...
(SIGHS)
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39. You see,
the Nicaraguan canal
has a dream,
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40. to defeat the Panama Canal
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41. and be the heavyweight
champion of canals.
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42. I achieved that dream.
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43. Now it's time for me
to give back
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44. and help somebody else
achieve that dream.
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45. Right, Marquess?
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46. See, I think that would
look good on you.
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47. Get some layers going,
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48. so it's not so much like
you... You just gave up.
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49. Come on, gang.
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50. To the Mystery Airline.
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51. You bought a plane?
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52. Don't be stupid,
I can't afford a plane.
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53. But I got a shitload
of miles on Delta.
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54. Okay,
let's find Wang Jing
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55. and help him build
the largest canal
in the world.
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56. Then we need to be
in Nicaragua.
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57. Yeah. 'Cause the note
was in Chinese,
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58. but the canal
is in Nicaragua.
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59. Well, in that case,
back to the Mystery Airline.
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60. But it won't be Delta,
because I used up all
my miles on Delta.
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61. Yung Hee, I'll give you
an extra minute to say
goodbye to your homeland.
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62. Well, what fun!
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63. To be on a plane that long.
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64. Welcome to Nicaragua,
my friends.
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65. - (LAUGHING)
- Wang Jing?
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66. Wang Jing indeed,
at your service.
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67. Although, in truth, I hope
you will be at mine. (LAUGHS)
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68. As you can see from the model,
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69. we have much work to do.
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70. Hey, that's a good model.
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71. It looks like a toy train
model, just with no train.
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72. Yes, it is a good model.
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73. I wish it was as easy
to build the real thing
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74. as it was the model.
(LAUGHING)
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75. Jesus Christ! What's this guy
keep laughing about?
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76. But in the model
there are no indigenous
people trying to stop us!
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77. The indigenous people
don't wanna have the biggest
canal in the world?
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78. Ah, but they are too primitive
to understand
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79. that the canal will help them.
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80. GDP will rise
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81. and with it the ability
to feed, clothe
and educate the poor.
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82. - No way he followed
any of that.
- Shh.
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83. Which is where
you come in.
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84. Oh, you got
a little doll of me.
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85. I want you to travel upriver.
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86. Put him in the boat.
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87. Deep into the heart
of darkness
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88. or "jungle,"
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89. and make them understand.
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90. That's a good use
of my skillset.
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91. Ah, excuse me,
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92. but what if doesn't help 'em?
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93. And, because of
global warming,
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94. ships will soon be able to
pass through the Arctic Circle
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95. which will make
all of this pointless.
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96. Of course, you'll be rich
either way,
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97. 'cause your company will own
most of Nicaragua.
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98. Hmm. You are obviously
a well-educated young lady.
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99. Huh. (CHUCKLING)
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100. I homeschooled that shit!
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101. But I'm afraid you don't
know everything.
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102. Everybody always wants to
blame the teacher.
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103. Sometimes it's the student.
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104. I'm sorry, but you cannot make
a souffle out of garbage.
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105. Dad...
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106. Um, I don't speak Chinese.
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107. It's nothing to
brag about, Yung.
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108. I think what he's saying is...
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109. Dad, why do you keep...
(SIGHS)
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110. Maybe no ships will use it,
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111. maybe it will destroy
the environment
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112. and bankrupt the country.
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113. And they could take away
the expensive cars,
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114. and the houses,
and the pretty girls,
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115. but they can never
take away your title.
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116. Well, um, technically,
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117. a title can be taken away
for a multitude of reasons.
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118. Okay, that's true.
Good point, Marquess.
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119. Point for you.
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120. But you get a point taken away
for being a dick.
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121. So, back to zero.
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122. - Okay, we'll do it, Wang Jing.
- Oh!
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123. Those indigenous people
may not like the idea
of the canal now...
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124. Yes?
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125. - What?
- They may not like the idea
of the canal now, but what?
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126. - But what, what?
- What are you talking about?
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127. Ugh!
It's this language barrier.
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128. Yung, tell Wang to take us
to the indigenous people.
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129. Will you take us
to the indigenous people?
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130. Of course.
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131. What did he say?
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132. He said, "Of course."
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133. I think this guy needs
to be homeschooled.
Tell him I said that.
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134. No, no, no. I'm just joking.
Don't tell him I said that.
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135. Damn! Not far from here is
where I first met Sandra.
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136. If only I'd known then that
one day I would betray her
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137. and then in her hurt and anger
she would turn me
into a pigeon.
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138. Because unbeknownst to me,
she secretly
practiced witchcraft.
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139. You know, I probably never
would have come down
here in the first place.
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140. Did you use to live in Mexico?
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141. We're in Nicaragua.
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142. Which is a kind of Mexico.
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143. And Marquess,
if you don't mind,
I'm talking to Pigeon.
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144. I mean, Richard, I'm sorry.
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145. You know, man,
I gotta get used to this.
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146. He doesn't look like
a Richard, right?
He looks like a pigeon, right?
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147. - He looks like a pigeon,
don't you think?
- (BUSHES RUSTLING)
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148. What is it,
the indigenous people?
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149. I don't know. But...
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150. I'm sorry, but...
But can you just say savages?
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151. I am from a time when
people said things like that.
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152. It was cruel,
but it was faster.
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153. You know, like,
"What is it, the savages?"
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154. See how fast that is.
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155. Everyone down.
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156. - Okay, we're here. Get out!
- What? No!
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157. He said we're here.
Come on, guys.
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158. Michael!
- Dad!
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159. - Whoa!
Hey!
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160. Yung!
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161. Good luck
with the savages, Mike.
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162. I mean, indigenous people.
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163. - Goodbye, Wang.
- (MARQUESS AND YUNG GASP)
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164. It's gonna
raise your GDP.
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165. And you guys are gonna be at
the forefront of global trade.
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166. You know what I'm saying?
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167. I mean, the canal's
gonna be the best thing that
ever happened to Mexico.
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168. You know what I'm saying?
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169. No, they don't know
what you're saying.
They don't speak English.
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170. No. It's because I don't have
this table to stand on.
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171. - If you're gonna do a speech,
you gotta...
- I speak English.
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172. Sergio? Sergio Sanchez?
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173. Richard, is that you?
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174. Why are you a pigeon?
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175. Ah, Sandra got mad at me.
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176. You two know each other?
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177. He's Sandra's dad.
He was a successful dentist
in Managua,
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178. but he lost his license
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179. because he wouldn't wear
a shirt in the office.
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180. Guess these characters
don't mind.
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181. This pigeon
is my son-in-law.
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182. He's my...
(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)
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183. Ex-son-in-law.
Sandra and I got divorced.
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184. What? When?
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185. Pretty much right after
she turned me into a pigeon.
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186. Hmm. Well,
you two will work it out.
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187. It's meant to be.
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188. It's written here in stone.
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189. Oh, my God,
that's Sandra.
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190. - And some sort of bird.
That's you.
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191. Oh, yeah.
Hey, man,
what's this part?
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192. That is the end of the world.
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193. Oh, (BLEEP).
When is that gonna happen?
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194. The second they begin
digging that canal.
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195. You see, the canal
will be like a zipper.
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196. And out from it will flop
the world's penis.
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197. Or the...
(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)
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198. And the moon will mount it
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199. and that's how you get
the end of the world.
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200. Why are you acting like
you never heard that, Yung?
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201. That was in the curriculum.
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202. Hey, is it okay
that I use this table?
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203. - (ALL GASP)
- No, that's their
sacred altar.
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204. All I wanted to do was help
the Nicaraguan canal
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205. become the heavyweight
champion of canals.
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206. But that was... Wait!
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207. - What's your name again?
- It's Richard.
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208. Man, I'm telling you,
you should change
your name to Pigeon.
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209. But that was before
we saw all this ancient
Mayan pornography.
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210. Now all of us have to
work together
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211. to stop Wang Jing before he
causes the end of the world.
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212. See, Marquess,
these guys were into it and
they don't even speak English.
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213. - It's the table, man.
- Oh, my God!
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214. Soon, I will control Nicaragua
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215. and then the world.
(SNICKERING)
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216. - Huh, what?
- Oh.
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217. I said soon I will control
Nicaragua and then the world.
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218. You know, as a joke.
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219. It's a weird joke.
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220. Damn! Instead of the savage
converting the savages,
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221. the savages must have
converted the savage.
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222. The hell with it!
Commence digging.
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223. Dig, dig, dig, dig.
(LAUGHING)
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224. You didn't tell me you were
gonna take out the world's...
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225. What are you talking about?
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226. Don't hide behind
that language barrier.
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227. That canal's gonna be
the end of the world.
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228. Ah, that's superstitious
nonsense.
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229. What, did you
never go to school?
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230. (GASPS) I went to homeschool.
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231. Mike!
- And I was the teacher.
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232. Michael, stop it!
- And class is in session.
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233. Michael! Oh!
- And that class is called
(BLEEP) you!
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234. - (RUMBLING)
Whoa!
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235. - What is that?
What's happening?
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236. What is happening?
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237. The earth has a penis!
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238. We're gonna die!
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239. Run, moon, run!
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240. The moon
can't run, Michael.
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241. Yep, been there.
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242. See, now you'll listen to what
I have to say, won't you?
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243. You're gonna listen
now, right?
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244. Because I'm bigger
than you now, right?
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245. And I can kick
you in your face, right?
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