Mike Judge's Beavis and Butt-Head 2x5

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Middle-aged Beavis and Butt-Head attend a city council meeting to get their apartment demolished.

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1. Hail, dimwitted Earthlings. I am smart Butt-Head.

2. And I am the one men call Smart Beavis.

3. Long have we observed the parallel universe

4. where Beavis and Butt-Head got older

5. and are now in middle age.

6. Oh, the marvels we have seen, the wisdom we have learned.

7. All of it far beyond the comprehension

8. of your feeble human minds.

9. Nonetheless, we shall now reveal to you

10. but one of these marvels

11. on the planet imbeciles call Earth.

12. Smart Beavis, where is the steering wheel

13. on this comet? - I do not know.

14. We shall have to steer it with the power of our minds.

15. Very well.

16. You know what we should do, Beavis?

17. Let's get some beers and have a party.

18. Yeah, but, um, we did that last weekend,

19. and we drank all the beers, and no chicks showed up.

20. That party was cool.

21. Yeah, it was.

22. Party down.

23. Howdy there, neighbors.

24. You got time to sign a petition to keep Highland beautiful?

25. Uh, what?

26. I'm collecting signatures to get rid

27. of that ugly low-income housing out on the main road.

28. Um, what's housing?

29. In this case, it's an eyesore that needs to go.

30. Let me show you.

31. Uh, yeah, that place sucks.

32. Yeah, it sure does.

33. What kind of buttholes live in that dump?

34. I mean, seriously.

35. My company wants to put in a new condo

36. with ground level retail,

37. but we have to demolish this one first.

38. Yeah, demolishing is cool.

39. It sure is.

40. The city council's going to discuss this tonight.

41. I hope I see you there to support the demolition.

42. Yeah, yeah.

43. I got a sledgehammer. Should I bring that?

44. Uh, yeah, we'll go to that.

45. Can you buy us some beer?

46. How about I buy you a beer after you go to the meeting?

47. Oh, that sounds good.

48. We're being bribed.

49. Being a janitor would kick ass

50. 'cause, like, you just, like, listen to music all night,

51. and then you can just, like, spank your monkey

52. wherever you want, and then you can clean it up,

53. you know, cause you already have the mop, see.

54. Butt-Head: Yeah.

55. It is the perfect crime.

56. It was the Native Americans who first invented the fist pump.

57. Whoa.

58. What's his other hand doing?

59. Butt-Head: He's doing a different kind

60. of fist pump down there.

61. Yeah, yeah.

62. Yeah, there's something else dancing down there

63. about the same size.

64. He's masturbating.

65. Yeah, he sure is.

66. He's not shy about it either.

67. Yeah.

68. Nothing wrong with that.

69. Yeah, I mean, I don't really want to see it,

70. but, you know, I mean, no one wants to see me

71. do it either, you know, so, you know,

72. so go for it, you know?

73. Oh, look.

74. Tiesto's spanking his monkey too.

75. Tiesto.

76. Yeah, you know, if you can't masturbate

77. to your own music, you know, what's the point?

78. Butt-Head: Yeah.

79. Uh, I think this guy's, like, not even a janitor at all.

80. Yeah, he's just a really considerate

81. masturbater, you know?

82. He's like...

83. You know, he brings a mop with him, you know,

84. and a bucket, you know?

85. Butt-Head: Yeah, at the front of the museum,

86. they were like, "Sir, you're gonna have to leave

87. that mop and bucket outside."

88. And then he's like, "Uh, no, you're gonna thank me."

89. You're gonna be glad I did, believe me.

90. Butt-Head: Uh, well, time for him to go get the mop.

91. Yeah.

92. I think I might get me one of those, you know?

93. Mop.

94. Boys, you made it.

95. Uh, where's the demolition crew?

96. And who are those buttholes?

97. Community.

98. It's proven to keep an eye...

99. They're the people who think they run this city.

100. Running sucks.

101. Yeah, really.

102. Now, the meeting's about to wrap up here,

103. and then any member of the public is allowed

104. to speak for four minutes, and that's when you can talk

105. about protecting our neighborhood

106. from low-income housing.

107. That concludes new business.

108. The floor is now open to public comment.

109. First on the list is Mr. Beavis.

110. You're up.

111. Um, I'm Beavis, Your Honor, and I just wanna say

112. I'm in favored of destroying this building that sucks.

113. Uh, amen or something.

114. You've got 3 minutes and 50 seconds left.

115. Oh, okay,

116. um, also, when you destroy it,

117. I think you should burn it.

118. Yeah, you know, with fire, you know,

119. and then you'll see how cool it is.

120. Yeah, yeah, with fire. Yeah, and destroying it.

121. And then it'll be so cool, we'll go destroy

122. more buildings with fire, and then we'll destroy everything!

123. - Yeah. - We will just burn...

124. And then destroy trees and rocks and the schools!

125. Yeah, yeah, the schools!

126. They could throw rocks at the schools,

127. and I just want to say I think it's wrong

128. for children to ever have to go to school

129. because the children are our future, and, um—

130. and in conclusion, uh, let's destroy this building

131. with fire and bombs, yeah!

132. Looks like my time is up. Thank you very much.

133. Thank you, Mr. Beavis.

134. Next is Mr. Buff-Head.

135. Please use your real names, people.

136. You have four minutes.

137. Uh, I yield my time to Mr. Beavis.

138. And then destroy the sky and the land!

139. Destroy it all with fire!

140. And then destroy the fire with fire

141. and more fire!

142. Here's your beer money, boys. You earned it.

143. You really spoke from the heart, Beavis.

144. Well, you know, I just like destroying stuff.

145. That's all, you know.

146. He's a big fan of fire.

147. Yep, always have been, always will be.

148. Great news, the council just voted

149. five to four to condemn that building.

150. Six months from now, those apartments

151. will be a pile of rubble.

152. - Yes! - Yes, yeah!

153. TV announcer: Tired of hoping that the right candidates...

154. There's another one of those things

155. on our door, Butt-Head.

156. Butt-Head: They can tape up

157. as many of these things as they want,

158. but they can't make me read 'em.

159. Outsmarted 'em again.

160. We sure did, Beavis.

161. Well, let's celebrate. - Yep.

162. Yep, party time.

163. Let's go get some beers.

164. How come it's so loud today?

165. Yeah, sure is a lot of police tape too.

166. Something cool must have happened.

167. We always miss it.

168. What's happening over there, Butt-Head?

169. Uh, I think they're wrecking

170. that place that sucks that we talked to the president about.

171. Those buttholes that live there

172. are gonna get what they deserve.

173. - This is cool. - Yeah, yeah, wreck it!

174. Wreck it! Destroy!

175. Yeah!

176. There you go, yeah!

177. That's it, yeah!

178. Yeah, kick it! Yeah!

179. - Yeah. - That was cool.

180. Sure was, yeah.

181. It feels good that we got involved

182. in our community, and it paid off.

183. You know what I'm saying?

184. And now it's party time.

185. Let's go home.

186. Yep.

187. Time to kick back.

188. Uh, wait a second, where's our apartment again?

189. Um...

190. I think it's around here somewhere.

191. It was right next to the, um, the thing with the, um...

192. hm, hm.

193. Uh, I don't see it.

194. Well, it's a puzzle.

195. This one's a real thinker. Yeah.

196. Uh, I'm tired.

197. Let's find our apartment later.

198. Yeah. Well, it's not going anywhere.

199. We can just party right here. - Yeah.

200. I hope some chicks show up this time.