Mike Judge's Beavis and Butt-Head 2x15

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1. Ketchup kicks ass.

2. You know, it just doesn't get any better than this,

3. Butt-Head.

4. These are the times we will always look back on.

5. Hey!

6. Uh—

7. You do this?

8. Well, Butt-Head didn't mean to, um—

9. he was, um—

10. Butt-Head?

11. Kick his ass.

12. Uh-oh.

13. You little punk-ass bitch!

14. You and I are throwing hands after school.

15. 3 o'clock in parking lot B. See you there.

16. That guy is cool.

17. Maybe him kicking your ass will be on Worldstar.

18. It's important that, whoever you're photographing,

19. to understand that posing is actually gonna bring out—

20. So who is this guy? What's he doing?

21. Uh, well, he says he's a photographer,

22. but I don't see a camera.

23. So you have a guy in front of you

24. and you think, where on Earth do I start?

25. Yeah.

26. "Where on Earth do I start?

27. His whole body is a feast."

28. "I mean, do I have sex with him?

29. "Do I murder him? "I mean—or how about both?

30. I mean, why choose, you know?"

31. Now, body language will suggest that

32. he's feeling uncomfortable.

33. "He's probably uncomfortable because he just

34. saw me lock all the doors."

35. And actual posing, and getting people to mirror you,

36. is the easiest way for someone, uh, to understand posing—

37. "For example, right now, I'm posing as a photographer."

38. We've only met once before. We have—

39. "Now, we've only met once before.

40. "It was at a bus station.

41. But I've met a lot of men like you."

42. "Young, good looking, just ran away from home,

43. didn't tell anyone his whereabouts."

44. "Just ripening into manhood."

45. Now, here's the before and after.

46. By the way, this is Jacob. I call him a Disney prince.

47. "See, Mom? He calls me his Disney prince.

48. He wouldn't do that if he was a pervert."

49. So maybe just undo that.

50. "Maybe undo that, maybe undo your belt

51. and drop your pants."

52. "Again, I'm not doing anything.

53. You're doing this of your own free will."

54. "You know what? Just for kicks,

55. "let's have you take off your clothes.

56. Yeah." - "Yeah, let's get all crazy."

57. "Oh, you know what would make a cool photo?

58. If you were tied up in my trunk."

59. "You know, let's just try it.

60. "You know, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.

61. But I think it's gonna work, yeah."

62. Framing the boys right now.

63. We don't want to frame the boys.

64. "Yeah, my next video is gonna be how to pose

65. "a dead body.

66. You start out by posing as a photographer, see."

67. Uh, didn't you go to a photographer's house once

68. to take pictures?

69. Yeah.

70. Yeah, he didn't have a camera, either.

71. Uh, OK.

72. Where'd you meet him?

73. It was just on the highway, you know.

74. I was just, you know, walking along,

75. and he pulled over.

76. OK, Beavis.

77. I helped him bury this, like, big roll of carpet

78. he had wrapped in a blanket, and, uh,

79. he said I deserved a reward, you know, so, um,

80. I went back to his place, you know.

81. Then it gets a little blurry from there.

82. But then when I left, he did ask me to forgive him.

83. I do remember that, yeah.

84. Yeah, good guy. Yeah.

85. Uh, cool.

86. Hope you enjoyed that. We'll see you soon.

87. I'm scared, Butt-Head.

88. That guy's gonna kick my ass at 3 o'clock.

89. Yeah.

90. This is gonna be cool.

91. Damn it, this sucks.

92. Uh, why don't you just kick Steve's ass instead?

93. Kicking someone's ass is easy.

94. Yeah, yeah. You do it to me all the time.

95. I can, like, teach you everything

96. you need to know to be good at fighting before 3 o'clock.

97. Whoa, really?

98. Yeah, thanks, Butt-Head.

99. But if I am to train you, I need your total commitment.

100. I need to know that you're willing to do

101. whatever it takes, no matter how difficult,

102. to kick this guy's ass.

103. Otherwise, I'm not going to waste my time.

104. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm ready, yeah.

105. All right, then.

106. I'll meet you in the gym after my second lunch.

107. Here I am, Butt-Head.

108. Are you ready to do everything I say,

109. without question? - Yes, I am. Yes.

110. Very well.

111. Then go to Maxi-Mart and buy me some nachos.

112. Um, wait a minute. How's that gonna—

113. Do not question me.

114. My methods are, like, unconventional.

115. OK, OK.

116. Butt-Head!

117. Butt-Head, I see why you made me do that.

118. Paying for the nachos is the exact same motion

119. I can use to block a punch,

120. a-and carrying them over here gave me the exercise I need—

121. No, that's not it.

122. Better go buy me some more nachos

123. until you figure it out.

124. Here you go.

125. Butt-Head, I still can't figure out why you're making me

126. buy all these nachos.

127. Uh, that's OK.

128. I can't eat anymore.

129. OK. Let's see what you've learned.

130. Lesson one.

131. Ah! Ow!

132. You dumb-ass, you got to hold your hands up

133. to protect your face.

134. Come on. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

135. Yeah, like I'm paying for nachos, yeah.

136. Are your hands up high?

137. Yep, they sure are, yeah.

138. Good.

139. You didn't learn anything.

140. Damn it.

141. Steve's gonna kick my ass pretty soon.

142. Maybe I'll just go, like, hide until everyone leaves.

143. Yeah. Yeah.

144. Yeah, let's find some place to hide here.

145. Here we go, yeah.

146. Whoa!

147. What have we here?

148. Cones.

149. Check it out, Butt-Head.

150. There's no way Steve can kick my ass now.

151. He can hit me as much as he wants, and I won't feel it.

152. Come on, Butt-Head. Hit me anywhere.

153. Damn it. Wait a second, wait a second.

154. Um, Butt-Head, my stick's stuck.

155. I can't fight without my stick.

156. I think one of these buttons can, like,

157. lower the basketball hole or something.

158. Uh—

159. That should do it.

160. Wait a second.

161. Ah!

162. Help, Butt-Head!

163. Let go of the stick, ass-munch.

164. I'm too high up.

165. You got to lower it.

166. Damn it. Ah!

167. Stop! Stop!

168. Ah! Help, Butt-Head!

169. Dumbass.

170. Ah! Stop!

171. - Stop! - Hold still, Beavis.

172. I got to get you down so you can get your ass kicked.

173. Ow!

174. Ah!

175. Good job, Beavis.

176. Time to get going.

177. Do you feel ready to fight that guy?

178. Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

179. Yeah, I think I'm ready.

180. That's right.

181. You're a different man than you were at lunch, Beavis.

182. Yeah, that's true.

183. Thanks for believing in me, Butt-Head.

184. I believe in you, Beavis.

185. I believe you're a wuss.

186. Is it time?

187. 3 o'clock, Beavis.

188. It is time.

189. 3 o'clock.

190. Um, where is everyone?

191. Where's Steve?

192. Uh,

193. he must have chickened out.

194. He probably heard about how I trained you up,

195. and he got all scared.

196. Yeah, yeah!

197. Yeah, that means I'm the champion, Butt-Head!

198. I'm the champion! Yeah!

199. I'm the—ah!

200. You were the champion, dumb-ass.

201. Damn it, Butt-Head.

202. Ow!