1. These garbage bags are wet.
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2. I'm gonna slide first,
Butt-Head.
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3. Me first, yeah.
This is going to be cool.
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4. Uh, okay.
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5. Okay. Here we go.
Heh heh.
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6. Wait a minute.
Hang on.
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7. I better back up so I
can get a running start.
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8. I'm gonna back up some more
so I can go really fast.
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9. Hurry up, dumb-ass.
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10. We don't have all day.
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11. Heh heh heh.
- Okay.
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12. Okay, here goes.
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13. Go, butt-monkey, go.
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14. That kicked ass!
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15. Uh... get up.
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16. It's my turn, dumb-ass.
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17. Uh, are you, like,
dead or something?
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18. Uh, oh, well.
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19. I guess I'll never know.
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20. Oh, no.
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21. Ow.
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22. Whoa.
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23. Ow, ow!
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24. That's, like, the
worst sunburn I ever saw.
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25. I know. Heh.
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26. It, like, hurts and stuff.
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27. I'm sorry, Beavis.
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28. That must be very painful.
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29. Come on.
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30. Don't touch my sunburn, please.
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31. Uh, okay.
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32. Aah!
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33. I didn't touch it.
I slapped it.
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34. Damn it, Butt-Head.
Cut it out!
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35. Uh, all right.
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36. Oh, no.
It's a mosquito.
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37. Oh, no.
Where is it?
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38. It landed on you, Beavis.
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39. Oh, really?
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40. Would you, like,
slap it or something?
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41. Because I don't want it
to bite me on my sunburn—
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42. uh, wait, no!
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43. Aaaaah!
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44. Got it.
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45. Butt-Head, I'm only gonna
tell you this once.
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46. I know I've said I'm gonna
kill you before,
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47. and then I didn't kill you.
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48. But if you ever do that again,
so help me God,
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49. I am going to, for real,
seriously, going to kill—
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50. Aaaaaah!
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51. No!
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52. Aaaaah!
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53. Dumbass.
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54. Well, see you later, Beavis.
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55. Aaaaaaaaaah!
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56. Good luck with the sunburn.
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57. I warned him,
and he did not listen.
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58. So now Butt-Head
is going to die.
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59. How am I
going to kill Butt-Head?
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60. Let's see.
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61. I don't think I've ever
done any murders before,
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62. so I'm gonna have
to hire a hitman.
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63. Yeah. Let's see.
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64. What's a hitman look like?
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65. Probably looks like that
guy in "Goodfellas," yeah.
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66. I don't remember
that movie that well,
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67. but I think that guy
lived on that street,
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68. and he had, like,
a tie all the time.
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69. Um...
yeah, yeah, like this guy.
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70. Hey, how's it going?
Hee hee hee.
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71. Uh, hello.
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72. I'm looking for someone
to do a little job for me,
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73. if you know what I'm saying.
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74. I stole this picture from
Butt-Head's uncle's house,
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75. so don't tell anyone.
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76. Do I know you?
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77. My name isn't important.
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78. Now, let me ask you,
can you do this job or not?
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79. If you've got
a job needs doing,
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80. why don't you go to
the Home Warehouse?
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81. Plenty of people there
looking for a job.
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82. Yeah, that kicks ass. Yeah.
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83. Yeah, that's going to be cool.
Hee hee hee.
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84. Okay, this looks like
the place.
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85. Hee hee hee hee.
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86. I was told someone in here
could do a job for me.
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87. Maybe. What kinda job
we talking about?
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88. Here's a picture.
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89. It's from Butt-Head's
uncle's house.
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90. Oh, yeah.
This really needs it.
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91. Yeah, yeah, I know.
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92. He slapped my
sunburn and stuff.
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93. Wow. Now, no offense,
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94. but you should have
taken care of this years ago.
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95. Yeah, really!
Yeah, no kidding.
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96. You know how many
square feet we're talking?
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97. I don't know.
He's got, like, two, you know.
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98. They're just, like,
normal foot shape.
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99. I don't know what you're—
- 2,000?
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100. That's about right. Okay.
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101. Yeah, I can be there
at 8:00 a.m. Tomorrow.
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102. The whole thing'll
take about four days.
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103. Yeah, good. Yeah.
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104. I want it to be slow, yeah.
Heh heh heh.
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105. Oh, almost forgot.
What color?
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106. Uh, I don't know.
I guess, um...
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107. I guess white, or something?
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108. Let me text my guys.
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109. I'm not racist, I just
want to kill my friend!
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110. Jesus Christ.
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111. All right. So I'll see you
tomorrow at 8:00?
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112. Oh, I'll be there, yeah.
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113. I want to watch
the whole thing.
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114. Butt-Head is going to die.
Hee hee heh heh.
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115. But here, we don't.
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116. Welcome to Montero.
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117. Uh, I think this is
supposed to be like
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118. that garden in the Bible.
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119. Where that chick Eve, or Eden,
or whatever her name is
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120. eats that fruit that
she wasn't supposed to.
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121. And then it, like,
puts a curse on the Earth.
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122. Yeah, see, that's one of
those stories
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123. that has a moral, you know.
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124. And the moral is fruit sucks.
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125. Yeah. Hee hee.
- Yeah.
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126. And so do gardens.
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127. Uh, then remember that
other part of the story
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128. where, like, God takes
the rib out of that dude
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129. and makes a chick?
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130. You know, if I could do that,
I would have no rib cage.
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131. Yeah, neither would I.
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132. I'd just
be a big blob of flesh
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133. with a bunch of chicks
around me and no bones.
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134. Hee hee hee.
Except I'd still have one bone.
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135. You know, Lil Nas X
could probably score
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136. with any chick in this video
that he wanted to, you know?
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137. Heh heh. And he definitely
wants to, yeah.
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138. He's all about the ladies.
Heh heh heh.
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139. Did you know the X
in Lil Nas X
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140. stands for extremely
interested in chicks?
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141. Is that Satan?
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142. No, it's Darth Maul.
Heh heh.
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143. Satan is like part
of the Marvel universe.
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144. Oh, yeah, yeah.
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145. Uh, remember
that time that guy
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146. wanted you to be a Satanist?
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147. And then he said he'd take
you to the Satanic Church,
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148. but it was just a room
over his mom's garage?
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149. Oh, yeah, yeah.
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150. Yeah, I thought there would
be, like, naked chicks
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151. and like blood and stuff.
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152. But he just wanted
to sit around
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153. and talk about low taxes and—
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154. and libertarianism or
something, I don't know.
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155. It's like, that's not evil.
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156. It's just stupid.
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157. And it's also boring, Beavis.
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158. And I don't wanna
hear about it, either.
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159. So shut up.
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160. Oh, and-and remind me
to tell you later
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161. what he said about
who controls the media.
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162. You'd be surprised.
It's not who you think.
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163. Oh, and, oh,
you know what else?
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164. Um, did you know that
7-11 was an inside job?
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165. They don't want you
to know that.
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166. They suck.
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167. Look at him,
being all alive and stuff.
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168. But today,
he will be murdered.
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169. Get me more Count Chocula, butthole.
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170. Hee hee hee.
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171. Um, Butt-Head, ha, whatever
happens, just know that I'm—
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172. I'm like, sorry, or something.
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173. You're gonna be sorry
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174. if you don't get me
some Count Chocula.
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175. You know, it just—it had
to be this way, you know.
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176. You know what I'm saying?
I... I had no choice.
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177. What have I done?
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178. It's kinda like
messed up or something.
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179. Heh heh heh.
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180. He said evacuate.
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181. Damn it,
I don't think I can do this.
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182. Stop, stop!
I-I changed my mind, yeah.
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183. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?
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184. Don't do it.
It's not worth it.
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185. What are you
talking about, man?
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186. I came out here with my truck
and my whole crew.
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187. Jesus Christ, what were you
gonna do to him?
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188. He's just one guy.
- Hey, man.
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189. If you're canceling, I still
need my commencement check.
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190. How much is that?
Like $5.00, or something?
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191. No, 2,000!
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192. Listen, you give me my
commencement check now,
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193. or I'm gonna kick your ass!
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194. Uh, what the hell's
going on out here?
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195. I'm saving your life,
Butt-Head.
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196. Go back inside
while you still can!
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197. Hee hee.
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198. Uh, if you guys are
gonna beat up Beavis,
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199. slap him on his sunburn.
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200. He hates it.
Heh heh.
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201. Uh, wait-wait
a minute, what?
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202. And that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.
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203. Hey, no, no. No!
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204. Aaaaaah!
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205. No, no, no, wait, wait—
- Do it again.
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206. Aah!
No!
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207. Aah!
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208. No!
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209. Hello.
I'm Tom Anderson,
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210. veteran of two foreign wars.
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211. And believe you me,
I've got some stories to tell.
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212. But none of them
are quite like what happened
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213. one particular morning
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214. during the Battle
of Heartbreak Ridge.
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215. See, what you got here is
the wipers are all seized up.
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216. If one wiper worked, I'd say
maybe this loosened up on you.
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217. You could just
tighten this down.
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218. But I'd wager we're dealing
with a mechanical issue here.
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219. Sir, we have to
get to the battle.
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220. You can win this war quick,
or you can win this war right.
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221. Now, of course,
I could get this off
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222. if the last guy who fixed it
hadn't stripped the threads.
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223. Oh, boy.
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224. - Sir—
- Uh, now you get
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225. 200 miles down the road
and it starts raining on you,
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226. you're gonna be thanking me.
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227. Bingo!
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228. Now, inside the wiper motor
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229. there's what I call
a park switch.
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230. Yep, totally shot.
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231. And I ended up having to
replace the whole wiper motor.
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232. But that little tale
will have to wait
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233. for another one of
Tom Anderson's War Stories.
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