Mike Judge's Beavis and Butt-Head 2x12

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Beavis notices his body is starting to go through changes after he is bitten by a rabid raccoon.

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1. Are you there, God? It's me, Beavis.

2. I know you're busy, like, killing terminators

3. and kicking Jesus' ass and stuff,

4. but I've been noticing some changes happening to my body,

5. and I don't know what to do.

6. It all started a few days ago at school.

7. Mm-kay, class,

8. today we're talking about the wonders of puberty.

9. Puberty is a funny word

10. for when your body gets serious about growing and developing.

11. Whoa.

12. Check it out.

13. That cat's got whipped cream on its mouth.

14. You should, like, get us some, Beavis.

15. Yeah, yeah.

16. Yeah, whipped cream kicks ass.

17. Here, kitty. Nice kitty.

18. Hey, it likes me.

19. So it's important not to compare yourself to others.

20. In fact, I myself did not go through puberty

21. until I was—

22. That cat kicked your ass. Ow!

23. That's when I first noticed my body was changing.

24. Mostly bleeding and stuff.

25. Boy, their mechanic uniforms are clean.

26. Yeah, they're usually all covered

27. with, like, grease and oil and stuff.

28. It's probably just because they're not fixing any cars,

29. they're just, like, doing it with girls.

30. Here at TT Auto,

31. we won't fix your car,

32. but we will have sex with your women.

33. That's the TT guarantee. Yeah.

34. If we don't score with your women,

35. your repair is free.

36. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

37. Our satisfaction is guaranteed.

38. Uh, ma'am, the problem with your motorcycle here

39. is there's not enough butt on it.

40. Yeah, it seems to be making a funny noise, like,

41. Uh, uh, ooh, ah.

42. Oh, wait. No, that's just me.

43. Now, where was I?

44. Uh, uh, ooh, ah.

45. He's like, "Uh, listen, ma'am,

46. "we're not gonna get that part in for two weeks,

47. so maybe, uh, I could get my part in."

48. That's really good, Butt-Head.

49. Yeah, you know, you're pretty smooth, you know.

50. It's, um—yeah, it's weird that you never score.

51. I wanna get a job at a place like this, you know.

52. If you got a job there,

53. you'd probably accidentally repair the girl

54. and score with the car.

55. Yeah, you know, actually, um—

56. I actually did kinda score with a car once.

57. Uhh—

58. What?

59. I didn't go all the way, you know,

60. but I did get under the hood.

61. You know what I'm sayin'?

62. Uhh—

63. I mean, the car wasn't running.

64. I'm not, like, a pervert or something, you know.

65. It was, like, consensual, you know.

66. It was a '92 Ford Festiva.

67. Uhh, Beavis,

68. I don't wanna ever hear about any of this ever again.

69. Okay, okay.

70. But it was a Festiva.

71. So, um, God, am I normal?

72. Today in gym class,

73. I noticed that my body doesn't look like the other boys'.

74. I feel like everyone's looking at me

75. because my body is, like, different and stuff.

76. You know what that feels like?

77. Ahh! Ah!

78. It feels like my head hurts and my skin is hot.

79. Also, water grosses me out,

80. and I wanna bite people.

81. Ahh!

82. Uhh, Beavis,

83. what are you doing?

84. Shut up, Butt-Head!

85. I'm normal!

86. Normal! Yeah.

87. Whoa. Son, you don't look so good.

88. No! I'm normal!

89. Butt-Head, how about you take Beavis

90. to the school nurse? - Uhh—

91. No.

92. Everyone leave me alone!

93. Stop looking at me!

94. Ah! Ah! Ahh!

95. Ahh! Ah!

96. That was cool.

97. I don't know what's happening to me, God.

98. I just wanna be like everyone else, you know?

99. I look in the mirror, and my body looks so different.

100. I'm still Beavis on the inside,

101. but who's that person on the outside?

102. And why are his eyes yellow?

103. And what's that white stuff on his mouth?

104. Ahh!

105. Nobody understands me, God.

106. Not even Butt-Head.

107. We're getting reports

108. of a rabies outbreak in the local skunk population.

109. - Ahh! - Damn it, Beavis,

110. you're getting your gross drool on my side of the couch now.

111. Ahh! Ahh!

112. Shut up, dumb-ass. Uh!

113. Ah! Ah! Ahh!

114. Uhh! Uhh!

115. Uhh!

116. Beavis, I'm just gonna go ahead

117. and kick your ass some other time.

118. Ahh!

119. Yeah, you could say I've been going through changes.

120. I guess this is all part of growing up,

121. right, God?

122. So, yeah, God,

123. that's what's going on with me.

124. Also, I can't see very good,

125. and my pee is red.

126. So, um—

127. What did I wanna ask you again? Um—

128. It was, um, uh— oh, yeah, yeah, um,

129. can you, like, make my nads bigger?

130. Yeah. That would be cool.

131. Beavis, I am not God.

132. I am a fever-induced hallucination.

133. You have rabies.

134. Uh-huh. Huh.

135. Now, that's cool and everything, God,

136. but my nads— yeah, can you make 'em bigger?

137. Beavis, your nads are perfect

138. just the way they are.

139. And I am not God.

140. Whoa, really?

141. Wow, wow.

142. Thanks, God.

143. I guess you're right.

144. My body is pretty cool, you know,

145. just the way it is.

146. I don't know what I was so worried about, you know.

147. Yeah, so it turns out

148. my body is perfect just the way it is.

149. From now on, I'm gonna stop worrying

150. and just be myself.

151. Ah! Ahh!

152. - What the hell? - Ahh!

153. - Marcie, get the gun! - Ahh! Ahh!

154. Chirp.