1. Yeah, yeah. Uh! Yeah.
Copy !req
2. Yeah, yeah, lockers are loud. Yeah.
Copy !req
3. Yeah.
Copy !req
4. Whoa, Beavis,
Check out that guy.
Copy !req
5. He's, like, sad.
Copy !req
6. Aww.
Copy !req
7. Tristan, are you okay?
Copy !req
8. Whatever.
Copy !req
9. Things are just so...
Copy !req
10. you know—
Copy !req
11. I do.
Copy !req
12. - Whoa.
- Look at that.
Copy !req
13. She is going to town on him.
Copy !req
14. Yeah, take it easy.
Copy !req
15. What's she doing that for?
Copy !req
16. Uhh, I think maybe
chicks like guys
Copy !req
17. who have, like,
emotions and stuff.
Copy !req
18. I have emotions.
Copy !req
19. Like, when I eat french fries,
I have the emotion of, like,
Copy !req
20. um, these french fries
taste really good, you know.
Copy !req
21. Uhh, I think they have to be,
like, sad emotions.
Copy !req
22. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's how they get you.
Copy !req
23. Always something.
Copy !req
24. Wait a second, Beavis.
Copy !req
25. We should, like,
start being all sad.
Copy !req
26. Then chicks will like us
and then we'll score.
Copy !req
27. Yeah, that's a great idea,
Butt-Head!
Copy !req
28. Yes! I think we're finally
gonna score—
Copy !req
29. Ah!
Copy !req
30. Quit being happy, dumb-ass.
You're gonna ruin it.
Copy !req
31. Ohh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
32. Sorry about that.
Won't happen again.
Copy !req
33. And this kind of cell
division is called mitosis.
Copy !req
34. Are there any questions?
Copy !req
35. Butt-Head.
Copy !req
36. Uhh—
Copy !req
37. I just wanna say
that, like,
Copy !req
38. what happened to that cell was,
like, devadstating and stuff.
Copy !req
39. And I'm also deverstated,
and, um,
Copy !req
40. I'm feeling emotions
that are very sad.
Copy !req
41. Yeah.
Copy !req
42. Yeah, check it out.
- Yeah, me too.
Copy !req
43. My soul is, like,
full of rain and stuff.
Copy !req
44. Oh, my. Hmm.
Copy !req
45. It sounds like the two of you
Copy !req
46. may be struggling
with depression.
Copy !req
47. No, no, no. We're just
really sad all the time.
Copy !req
48. Very sad, yeah.
Copy !req
49. Uhh—
Hey, baby.
Copy !req
50. I, like, cry a lot.
Copy !req
51. You know what I'm saying?
Copy !req
52. Maybe a hug?
Copy !req
53. Okay, I'm going to make sure
Copy !req
54. that you boys
get the help you need, mm-kay?
Copy !req
55. These feelings of
"everything sucks,"
Copy !req
56. how long have you had them?
Copy !req
57. Uhh, since everything
started to suck, I guess.
Copy !req
58. Yeah, sorry, I couldn't
hear you because, um,
Copy !req
59. I was so busy frowning,
you know.
Copy !req
60. 'Cause I'm sad.
Copy !req
61. Feelings of hopelessness.
Copy !req
62. Have you been sleeping
more or less than usual?
Copy !req
63. Uhh, I'm usually
up all night, like,
Copy !req
64. wiping away tears
Copy !req
65. of sadness.
Copy !req
66. Umm, yeah, yeah.
Me too, yeah.
Copy !req
67. I feel sad all night long.
Copy !req
68. You know what I'm sayin'?
Copy !req
69. Boi-oi-oi-oing.
Copy !req
70. And have you engaged
in any forms of self-harm?
Copy !req
71. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
72. Yeah, I self-harm
all the time, you know.
Copy !req
73. Over in Anderson's shed,
you know.
Copy !req
74. I use hand lotion.
Copy !req
75. Oh, no.
Copy !req
76. Oh, no, no.
It's no big deal.
Copy !req
77. If I hear him coming,
I can usually pull my pants up
Copy !req
78. before he gets there,
you know.
Copy !req
79. He's kinda slow.
Copy !req
80. I need to make a phone call.
Copy !req
81. You two need more help
than I can give.
Copy !req
82. Whoa. I think she's
calling in more chicks.
Copy !req
83. Eh, she's just not
woman enough
Copy !req
84. to score with both of us,
I guess.
Copy !req
85. Sadness kicks ass.
Copy !req
86. Um, Butt-Head,
Copy !req
87. I thought they were taking us
to score with a bunch of chicks
Copy !req
88. We're, like, in a hospital
or something.
Copy !req
89. They said they're putting us
under observation.
Copy !req
90. We're already getting noticed, Beavis.
Copy !req
91. Our plan is working.
Copy !req
92. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
93. Yeah, maybe they want to
observe our schlongs.
Copy !req
94. Uhh, whoa.
What's that thing?
Copy !req
95. That's the electroshock
therapy machine.
Copy !req
96. It stimulates the brain
with electric pulses.
Copy !req
97. - Uhh, stimulate?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
98. But you don't need
to worry about that.
Copy !req
99. We only use it as a last resort
for the most extreme cases.
Copy !req
100. Yeah, we don't need that.
Copy !req
101. We're gonna stimulate
the natural way.
Copy !req
102. Yeah.
Copy !req
103. Now let's get you
to your therapy.
Copy !req
104. Yeah.
Copy !req
105. All right, guys,
let's give a warm welcome
Copy !req
106. to our two newcomers,
Beavis and Butt-Head.
Copy !req
107. Did I pronounce those right?
- Uhh,
Copy !req
108. we're, like, sad
Copy !req
109. and we're ready to score.
Copy !req
110. You guys all look
pretty sad, too,
Copy !req
111. so, um, when do we
start scoring?
Copy !req
112. Oh, we don't
keep score here, guys.
Copy !req
113. We're here to talk
Copy !req
114. and to listen
and to share.
Copy !req
115. So let's begin.
Copy !req
116. Everyone hold hands.
Copy !req
117. Uhh, what?
Copy !req
118. Come on.
Copy !req
119. Uhh—
Copy !req
120. Hold hands, guys.
Copy !req
121. It's okay if you two
aren't ready to participate.
Copy !req
122. No, no, we wanna participate. Yeah.
Copy !req
123. That's the only reason
we're even here.
Copy !req
124. Well, if you wanna participate,
Copy !req
125. then you have to hold hands.
Copy !req
126. Close, Butt-Head.
Copy !req
127. Try the hand.
Copy !req
128. Really?
Copy !req
129. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
130. Ehh, whatever it takes
to score, I guess.
Copy !req
131. - Okay.
- Ehh, all right.
Copy !req
132. Super.
The purpose of this exercise
Copy !req
133. is to show that—
- Uhh, this sucks.
Copy !req
134. This really sucks, Butt-Head.
Copy !req
135. Now I really am sad.
Copy !req
136. Yeah, yeah, me too.
Copy !req
137. Uhh, wait a second.
Copy !req
138. Remember that machine
that guy showed us?
Copy !req
139. Ohh, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
140. Yeah, the extreme stimulator machine.
Copy !req
141. Yeah.
Copy !req
142. Let's go use that thing.
Copy !req
143. Yeah, I'd rather fake score
with a machine
Copy !req
144. than hold hands
with a real dude.
Copy !req
145. Yeah, really.
Copy !req
146. I'm concerned about
these two new patients,
Copy !req
147. Bailey and Beckham.
Copy !req
148. They seem very depressed.
Copy !req
149. The constant laughter
Copy !req
150. is clearly covering up
a deep pain.
Copy !req
151. Uhh, well,
it's not the kind of scoring
Copy !req
152. I thought I was gonna get,
but it's better than nothing.
Copy !req
153. These must go here.
Copy !req
154. Okay, Beavis,
turn that knob thing.
Copy !req
155. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, cool.
Copy !req
156. On three.
Copy !req
157. Uh, one—
Copy !req
158. Uhh! Ahh! Ahh!
Copy !req
159. Uh.
- Whoa!
Copy !req
160. I think you scored. Yeah.
Copy !req
161. How was it?
Copy !req
162. It hurt really bad.
Copy !req
163. And I think my nads
caught on fire.
Copy !req
164. Cool!
Copy !req
165. My turn. Yeah.
Copy !req
166. Scoring and fire. Yeah. Whoa.
Copy !req
167. I'll just put these in here.
Copy !req
168. One for you,
and one for you.
Copy !req
169. Are you all right?
Copy !req
170. Uhh—
Copy !req
171. We're not that sad anymore.
Copy !req
172. We just need to rest.
Copy !req
173. Ah, yeah,
I was really sad,
Copy !req
174. but now my schlong hurts,
so, you know,
Copy !req
175. I'm cheering up or something. Yeah.
Copy !req
176. Being sad sucks.
Copy !req
177. - Carlos, secrecy—
- Uhh, what is this show?
Copy !req
178. What are they doing here?
Copy !req
179. It's that show
where people have, like,
Copy !req
180. a boyfriend or a girlfriend,
Copy !req
181. but they're afraid
to tell anyone.
Copy !req
182. I needed help because...
Copy !req
183. I've had enough of your lies.
Copy !req
184. Because you told me
you were tall and good looking.
Copy !req
185. Spencer, who said—
Copy !req
186. And Spencer told me
that's not true.
Copy !req
187. Yeah.
Copy !req
188. 'Cause he told me
you were fat and short
Copy !req
189. and had a bad beard
and were really sweaty.
Copy !req
190. Is that true?
Copy !req
191. Who said that
you actually had a vasectomy.
Copy !req
192. It was on stage,
but I know there's—
Copy !req
193. Ohh, wait a minute.
He had a vasectomy on stage?
Copy !req
194. And then they threw
tomatoes at him.
Copy !req
195. Yeah, it's tough in here,
I tell ya.
Copy !req
196. Who's seen your mother
sending you payments for rent.
Copy !req
197. Let's start with
the vasectomy joke.
Copy !req
198. It's a joke.
Copy !req
199. I made a pun on vasectomies.
I thought that was hilarious.
Copy !req
200. He made a pun
on vasectomies?
Copy !req
201. Uhh, how would you do that?
Copy !req
202. Yeah, I guess
you could say, um,
Copy !req
203. like, uh, um—
Copy !req
204. Oh, oh, I know!
Maybe it's like,
Copy !req
205. "Vasecto-me?
Copy !req
206. More like vasecto-you!"
Or—or something.
Copy !req
207. He was probably like,
"Knock, knock. Who's there?
Copy !req
208. "Vasecta.
Copy !req
209. "Vasecta who?
Copy !req
210. "Uhh, vasecto-big fat guy
with sweaty armpits
Copy !req
211. and a bad beard."
Copy !req
212. I host sex parties.
Copy !req
213. Yeah.
Copy !req
214. You have sex
with other people on stage?
Copy !req
215. - No, no.
- No, no, no,
Copy !req
216. I'm not that cool.
Copy !req
217. I can show you.
Copy !req
218. Basically,
we host these parties
Copy !req
219. where we sell sex toys.
Copy !req
220. Nipple clamps, dildoes.
Copy !req
221. He's like,
"Okay, okay.
Copy !req
222. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you
Copy !req
223. I'm the king of discount
butt plugs."
Copy !req
224. Yeah.
Copy !req
225. Yeah, gotta make
a living somehow.
Copy !req
226. My comedy sucks.
Copy !req
227. And I'm unattractive.
Copy !req
228. My parents know about this.
Copy !req
229. Here's a video right here.
Copy !req
230. Uh, I'm confused, Butt-Head.
Copy !req
231. So he's having sex parties
Copy !req
232. and selling nipple clamps
and butt plugs,
Copy !req
233. and that's why
he doesn't want her
Copy !req
234. to meet his parents?
Copy !req
235. His parents are proud of him.
Copy !req
236. He comes from a long line
of butt plug salesmen.
Copy !req
237. Including my great-
great-great grandfather,
Copy !req
238. Alexander Buttploog.
Copy !req
239. He came over
from the old country.
Copy !req
240. Old Buttploogia.
Copy !req
241. Bad, bad boy.
Copy !req
242. When he came here, he didn't
have a dildo in his pocket.
Copy !req
243. Just a butt plug and a dream.
Copy !req
244. And it wasn't in his pocket.
Copy !req
245. She's like,
"Can we just address
Copy !req
246. "the elephant
in the room here?
Copy !req
247. What's up with your
sweaty, disgusting armpits?"
Copy !req
248. Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
249. Yeah, you've been sneaking
around selling butt plugs
Copy !req
250. when you should be, like,
sneaking around
Copy !req
251. selling anti-perspirants
or something.
Copy !req
252. For four years,
you've dodged me
Copy !req
253. meeting your parents,
meeting your friends,
Copy !req
254. going to half
your comedy shows.
Copy !req
255. 'Cause they all know
about this stuff.
Copy !req
256. Okay, okay, but, um,
Copy !req
257. I still don't completely understand.
Copy !req
258. So, like, um—
so he's like,
Copy !req
259. "I don't want you
to meet my parents
Copy !req
260. "until I tell you
that I sell butt plugs.
Copy !req
261. Then it'll be okay."
Copy !req
262. His parents
were probably like,
Copy !req
263. "So you want us
to meet your girlfriend?
Copy !req
264. Well, how many butt plugs
did she buy?"
Copy !req
265. "Wait, none?
Copy !req
266. "Well, then what's in her butt
right now? Nothing?
Copy !req
267. I don't wanna meet her.
Forget it. No."
Copy !req
268. Gonna have to figure out
a way to talk about this.
Copy !req
269. But I can't imagine
losing you.
Copy !req
270. - What?
- Yeah. I sure can.
Copy !req
271. And I'm hopeful
for you both.
Copy !req
272. Will you make me
the luckiest man in the world
Copy !req
273. and take my discount
butt plug?
Copy !req
274. You are one of us now.
Copy !req
275. We're not losing a son,
Copy !req
276. you're gaining a butt plug.
Copy !req
277. It belonged to Carlos'
grandmother
Copy !req
278. until about ten minutes ago.
Copy !req
279. But we want you to have it.
Copy !req
280. Yeah, yeah,
you might wanna wash it first.
Copy !req
281. And don't worry, that dog
won't poop in the house.
Copy !req
282. Yeah, we've seen to that.
Copy !req