Mike Judge's Beavis and Butt-Head 2x11

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After they see the attention an angsty emo kid gets from the ladies, Beavis and Butt-Head pretend to be sad and end up in a psychiatric hospital.

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1. Yeah, yeah. Uh! Yeah.

2. Yeah, yeah, lockers are loud. Yeah.

3. Yeah.

4. Whoa, Beavis, Check out that guy.

5. He's, like, sad.

6. Aww.

7. Tristan, are you okay?

8. Whatever.

9. Things are just so...

10. you know—

11. I do.

12. - Whoa. - Look at that.

13. She is going to town on him.

14. Yeah, take it easy.

15. What's she doing that for?

16. Uhh, I think maybe chicks like guys

17. who have, like, emotions and stuff.

18. I have emotions.

19. Like, when I eat french fries, I have the emotion of, like,

20. um, these french fries taste really good, you know.

21. Uhh, I think they have to be, like, sad emotions.

22. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's how they get you.

23. Always something.

24. Wait a second, Beavis.

25. We should, like, start being all sad.

26. Then chicks will like us and then we'll score.

27. Yeah, that's a great idea, Butt-Head!

28. Yes! I think we're finally gonna score—

29. Ah!

30. Quit being happy, dumb-ass. You're gonna ruin it.

31. Ohh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

32. Sorry about that. Won't happen again.

33. And this kind of cell division is called mitosis.

34. Are there any questions?

35. Butt-Head.

36. Uhh—

37. I just wanna say that, like,

38. what happened to that cell was, like, devadstating and stuff.

39. And I'm also deverstated, and, um,

40. I'm feeling emotions that are very sad.

41. Yeah.

42. Yeah, check it out. - Yeah, me too.

43. My soul is, like, full of rain and stuff.

44. Oh, my. Hmm.

45. It sounds like the two of you

46. may be struggling with depression.

47. No, no, no. We're just really sad all the time.

48. Very sad, yeah.

49. Uhh— Hey, baby.

50. I, like, cry a lot.

51. You know what I'm saying?

52. Maybe a hug?

53. Okay, I'm going to make sure

54. that you boys get the help you need, mm-kay?

55. These feelings of "everything sucks,"

56. how long have you had them?

57. Uhh, since everything started to suck, I guess.

58. Yeah, sorry, I couldn't hear you because, um,

59. I was so busy frowning, you know.

60. 'Cause I'm sad.

61. Feelings of hopelessness.

62. Have you been sleeping more or less than usual?

63. Uhh, I'm usually up all night, like,

64. wiping away tears

65. of sadness.

66. Umm, yeah, yeah. Me too, yeah.

67. I feel sad all night long.

68. You know what I'm sayin'?

69. Boi-oi-oi-oing.

70. And have you engaged in any forms of self-harm?

71. Oh, yeah, yeah.

72. Yeah, I self-harm all the time, you know.

73. Over in Anderson's shed, you know.

74. I use hand lotion.

75. Oh, no.

76. Oh, no, no. It's no big deal.

77. If I hear him coming, I can usually pull my pants up

78. before he gets there, you know.

79. He's kinda slow.

80. I need to make a phone call.

81. You two need more help than I can give.

82. Whoa. I think she's calling in more chicks.

83. Eh, she's just not woman enough

84. to score with both of us, I guess.

85. Sadness kicks ass.

86. Um, Butt-Head,

87. I thought they were taking us to score with a bunch of chicks

88. We're, like, in a hospital or something.

89. They said they're putting us under observation.

90. We're already getting noticed, Beavis.

91. Our plan is working.

92. Oh, yeah, yeah.

93. Yeah, maybe they want to observe our schlongs.

94. Uhh, whoa. What's that thing?

95. That's the electroshock therapy machine.

96. It stimulates the brain with electric pulses.

97. - Uhh, stimulate? - Yeah.

98. But you don't need to worry about that.

99. We only use it as a last resort for the most extreme cases.

100. Yeah, we don't need that.

101. We're gonna stimulate the natural way.

102. Yeah.

103. Now let's get you to your therapy.

104. Yeah.

105. All right, guys, let's give a warm welcome

106. to our two newcomers, Beavis and Butt-Head.

107. Did I pronounce those right? - Uhh,

108. we're, like, sad

109. and we're ready to score.

110. You guys all look pretty sad, too,

111. so, um, when do we start scoring?

112. Oh, we don't keep score here, guys.

113. We're here to talk

114. and to listen and to share.

115. So let's begin.

116. Everyone hold hands.

117. Uhh, what?

118. Come on.

119. Uhh—

120. Hold hands, guys.

121. It's okay if you two aren't ready to participate.

122. No, no, we wanna participate. Yeah.

123. That's the only reason we're even here.

124. Well, if you wanna participate,

125. then you have to hold hands.

126. Close, Butt-Head.

127. Try the hand.

128. Really?

129. Mm-hmm.

130. Ehh, whatever it takes to score, I guess.

131. - Okay. - Ehh, all right.

132. Super. The purpose of this exercise

133. is to show that— - Uhh, this sucks.

134. This really sucks, Butt-Head.

135. Now I really am sad.

136. Yeah, yeah, me too.

137. Uhh, wait a second.

138. Remember that machine that guy showed us?

139. Ohh, yeah, yeah.

140. Yeah, the extreme stimulator machine.

141. Yeah.

142. Let's go use that thing.

143. Yeah, I'd rather fake score with a machine

144. than hold hands with a real dude.

145. Yeah, really.

146. I'm concerned about these two new patients,

147. Bailey and Beckham.

148. They seem very depressed.

149. The constant laughter

150. is clearly covering up a deep pain.

151. Uhh, well, it's not the kind of scoring

152. I thought I was gonna get, but it's better than nothing.

153. These must go here.

154. Okay, Beavis, turn that knob thing.

155. Okay. Yeah, yeah, cool.

156. On three.

157. Uh, one—

158. Uhh! Ahh! Ahh!

159. Uh. - Whoa!

160. I think you scored. Yeah.

161. How was it?

162. It hurt really bad.

163. And I think my nads caught on fire.

164. Cool!

165. My turn. Yeah.

166. Scoring and fire. Yeah. Whoa.

167. I'll just put these in here.

168. One for you, and one for you.

169. Are you all right?

170. Uhh—

171. We're not that sad anymore.

172. We just need to rest.

173. Ah, yeah, I was really sad,

174. but now my schlong hurts, so, you know,

175. I'm cheering up or something. Yeah.

176. Being sad sucks.

177. - Carlos, secrecy— - Uhh, what is this show?

178. What are they doing here?

179. It's that show where people have, like,

180. a boyfriend or a girlfriend,

181. but they're afraid to tell anyone.

182. I needed help because...

183. I've had enough of your lies.

184. Because you told me you were tall and good looking.

185. Spencer, who said—

186. And Spencer told me that's not true.

187. Yeah.

188. 'Cause he told me you were fat and short

189. and had a bad beard and were really sweaty.

190. Is that true?

191. Who said that you actually had a vasectomy.

192. It was on stage, but I know there's—

193. Ohh, wait a minute. He had a vasectomy on stage?

194. And then they threw tomatoes at him.

195. Yeah, it's tough in here, I tell ya.

196. Who's seen your mother sending you payments for rent.

197. Let's start with the vasectomy joke.

198. It's a joke.

199. I made a pun on vasectomies. I thought that was hilarious.

200. He made a pun on vasectomies?

201. Uhh, how would you do that?

202. Yeah, I guess you could say, um,

203. like, uh, um—

204. Oh, oh, I know! Maybe it's like,

205. "Vasecto-me?

206. More like vasecto-you!" Or—or something.

207. He was probably like, "Knock, knock. Who's there?

208. "Vasecta.

209. "Vasecta who?

210. "Uhh, vasecto-big fat guy with sweaty armpits

211. and a bad beard."

212. I host sex parties.

213. Yeah.

214. You have sex with other people on stage?

215. - No, no. - No, no, no,

216. I'm not that cool.

217. I can show you.

218. Basically, we host these parties

219. where we sell sex toys.

220. Nipple clamps, dildoes.

221. He's like, "Okay, okay.

222. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you

223. I'm the king of discount butt plugs."

224. Yeah.

225. Yeah, gotta make a living somehow.

226. My comedy sucks.

227. And I'm unattractive.

228. My parents know about this.

229. Here's a video right here.

230. Uh, I'm confused, Butt-Head.

231. So he's having sex parties

232. and selling nipple clamps and butt plugs,

233. and that's why he doesn't want her

234. to meet his parents?

235. His parents are proud of him.

236. He comes from a long line of butt plug salesmen.

237. Including my great- great-great grandfather,

238. Alexander Buttploog.

239. He came over from the old country.

240. Old Buttploogia.

241. Bad, bad boy.

242. When he came here, he didn't have a dildo in his pocket.

243. Just a butt plug and a dream.

244. And it wasn't in his pocket.

245. She's like, "Can we just address

246. "the elephant in the room here?

247. What's up with your sweaty, disgusting armpits?"

248. Yeah, yeah.

249. Yeah, you've been sneaking around selling butt plugs

250. when you should be, like, sneaking around

251. selling anti-perspirants or something.

252. For four years, you've dodged me

253. meeting your parents, meeting your friends,

254. going to half your comedy shows.

255. 'Cause they all know about this stuff.

256. Okay, okay, but, um,

257. I still don't completely understand.

258. So, like, um— so he's like,

259. "I don't want you to meet my parents

260. "until I tell you that I sell butt plugs.

261. Then it'll be okay."

262. His parents were probably like,

263. "So you want us to meet your girlfriend?

264. Well, how many butt plugs did she buy?"

265. "Wait, none?

266. "Well, then what's in her butt right now? Nothing?

267. I don't wanna meet her. Forget it. No."

268. Gonna have to figure out a way to talk about this.

269. But I can't imagine losing you.

270. - What? - Yeah. I sure can.

271. And I'm hopeful for you both.

272. Will you make me the luckiest man in the world

273. and take my discount butt plug?

274. You are one of us now.

275. We're not losing a son,

276. you're gaining a butt plug.

277. It belonged to Carlos' grandmother

278. until about ten minutes ago.

279. But we want you to have it.

280. Yeah, yeah, you might wanna wash it first.

281. And don't worry, that dog won't poop in the house.

282. Yeah, we've seen to that.