Mike Judge's Beavis and Butt-Head 1x5

Directed by John Achenbach

Beavis and Butt-Head get stuck on top of Tom Anderson's house.

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1. - Behold, I am Smart Butt-Head. - And I am Smart Beavis.

2. Greetings, oh, primitive humans.

3. We hail from an alternate universe where we,

4. Beavis and Butt-Head, are super intelligent.

5. There are billions and billions

6. of alternate universes, oh, foolish ones.

7. But the one most fascinating to our vast intellects

8. is the one where Beavis and Butt-Head were teenagers

9. in the 1990s, but then grew older.

10. And they're now middle-aged at the height of their powers.

11. Join us, dull-witted earthlings, as we look upon

12. that universe and sample its delights spread out before us,

13. like a banquet of space nachos.

14. Priceless wit of a satirical bent.

15. Whimsical, yes, yes, quite absurd.

16. Whimsical, yes, indeed, yes.

17. Butt-Head, we're out of beers, Butt-Head.

18. Eh, well, go get some more, dumb-ass.

19. I'm out of money.

20. So go give some more blood.

21. I went twice already this morning.

22. They won't take my blood anymore, because they said

23. it's too watery, then I passed out,

24. and some guy stole my cookie.

25. I guess we need to, like, get jobs or something.

26. Being unemployed is our job, dumb-ass.

27. They send us money.

28. Ran out of that too.

29. Should I go down to that unemployment store

30. and get some more or something?

31. Yeah, and hurry up, you worthless dumb-ass.

32. Oh, boy.

33. Job.

34. Oh, hey,

35. that looks like that time you had that heart attack,

36. and then they, like, brought you back with that infibulator.

37. Oh, yeah.

38. That thing hurt.

39. They said you were dead for a while too.

40. Uh, that's right, I was.

41. When I closed my eyes, I thought I saw God,

42. and he said, "I love you, Butt-Head.

43. Keep doing what you're doing, and don't ever come back."

44. And then I woke up.

45. And then d'you, like, change your life or something?

46. No.

47. I was completely unchanged.

48. And then they sent me a bill for $124,000,

49. and I never paid it.

50. I get a notice every couple months, and I just ignore it.

51. In a just world, they would've killed you.

52. Yeah.

53. It's not fair.

54. That liquor store, like, makes me wanna drink a beer.

55. Uh, you are drinking a beer.

56. Oh, yeah, yeah, but I mean, like,

57. another one after this.

58. Uh, is there anything that

59. doesn't make you wanna drink a beer?

60. Well, let me think.

61. No.

62. Oh, um... no, no.

63. I guess not.

64. I think I'm, like, an alcoholic,

65. but with beer, you know?

66. Oh, look at that pawn shop.

67. I think this is our neighborhood.

68. Eh, oh, yeah. It is.

69. Remember that time you pawned

70. everything you owned, and you only got $30?

71. Oh, yeah, yeah.

72. Yeah, that was a great day, yeah.

73. I spent it all on some St. Ides.

74. That crooked eye, yeah.

75. I would like more unemployment, please.

76. Well, our records show you maxed out your benefits.

77. Cool.

78. But let's see if we can find you a job.

79. What? What? No, no.

80. No, I came down here for money. Yeah, yeah.

81. Let's see what you're qualified for.

82. Last job?

83. I was fired from Burger World.

84. And when was that?

85. It was, like, two weeks ago.

86. - It says here 23 years ago. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

87. Yeah, that sounds right.

88. Also, I donate blood and sperm.

89. And you donate the sperm where?

90. Um, just kind of everywhere, you know?

91. Okay, you're gonna need something completely unskilled.

92. Yeah, that sounds cool.

93. I have an opening for a home aide.

94. It's a government program where you help people

95. who can't take care of themselves

96. just with ordinary, household tasks.

97. You know how to do that, right?

98. Um, I've been in a house, yeah.

99. Here's the client's address.

100. They pay's not much, but I think you'll find

101. helping someone even less fortunate than yourself

102. will help give you self-esteem.

103. Self-steam?

104. It'll make you feel good about yourself.

105. Wow. Self-steam. Hmm.

106. Dicks.

107. Okay, time to get your self-steam.

108. Time to meet the dillhole who can't take care of himself.

109. I wonder what he looks like.

110. Here we go.

111. Uh, what are you knocking for, dumb-ass?

112. I thought you were the butthole the government sent.

113. What butthole?

114. The social worker called and asked if I needed help

115. 'cause the neighbors complained.

116. Whoa, really?

117. I pretended I was a fat dumb-ass

118. who never gets off his couch.

119. And he believed me.

120. Well, maybe, maybe I'm the butthole

121. that the government sent.

122. Well then, quit standing around and get to work.

123. So they said first, I'm supposed to, like,

124. tidy up or something.

125. Well, get to it, Beavis. My tax dollars pay your salary.

126. I'm gonna throw this away.

127. - Don't throw those out. - Why not?

128. I need those for my business.

129. What business?

130. One of these days, I'll tell you, Beavis.

131. I've got big plans.

132. No, not the bottle.

133. You can pick up that chip.

134. This is the good life.

135. Now fix me lunch. - Is that part of my job?

136. I was told it was.

137. Okay, Butt-Head.

138. Mr. Butt-Head.

139. I'm not gonna call you Mr. Butt-Head,

140. Butt-Head.

141. I don't want to have to report you, Beavis.

142. You want me to get you fired? - Well, um, no, Mr. Butt-Head.

143. If I get you fired, then we don't have any money.

144. I'm doing this for us.

145. Damn it. Self-steam sucks.

146. Hey, what's up, guys?

147. It is Stargirl, the Practical Witch,

148. and welcome to my YouTube channel today.

149. We are back again with another virtual, online,

150. interactive tarot reading.

151. Now, what I normally have you guys do

152. during this psychic reading is I have you guys

153. look at the options with your...

154. Uh, hmm.

155. Oh, boy.

156. She's like, "I can see into the future,

157. and I'm still talking."

158. Yeah, I can see way into the future,

159. and I'm still going on and on and on.

160. All-vegan makeup, which I make a very big deal...

161. If you, like, knew you'd eventually score with her,

162. how long do you think you'd be able to listen to her talk?

163. Probably, like, about five years, maybe six or seven.

164. I'm not saying that you're poor, guys, okay?

165. I'm not picking that up at all.

166. But I'm hearing you, like,

167. spend a lot of time in an RV camper...

168. Uh, I have more psychic abilities than she does.

169. Check this out, Beavis.

170. Uh, okay, I'm sensing great pain.

171. No, no, you're just gonna say you see a smack in my future,

172. and then you're gonna smack me.

173. You've been doing this for 25 years.

174. Come on.

175. Uh, I knew you were gonna say that, Beavis,

176. for I am the great Butt-Headini.

177. Yeah, yeah.

178. Do not underestimate my powers.

179. Now check this out.

180. I'm sensing a... uh... Do you have an uncle?

181. No.

182. Or, I mean, an aunt, maybe?

183. No, no.

184. Uh, a cousin?

185. No, I don't think so.

186. I mean, my Uncle Bob had a kid, but I don't think that's...

187. Damn it, Beavis.

188. You said you don't have an uncle.

189. I don't... I mean, except for Uncle Bob.

190. Damn it, Beavis.

191. Okay, very well.

192. I'm sensing a couch.

193. Is there a couch in your life?

194. No, no, I don't think I know of a couch.

195. Damn it, Beavis.

196. You're sitting on a couch. - No, no.

197. Wait a minute, Butt-Head.

198. Wait, did you say you were gonna smack me?

199. Yes, Beavis. I knew I was going to do that.

200. It is as I have foreseen, for I am the great Butt-Headini.

201. Oh, I guess you are pretty good then.

202. It's time to celebrate your first paycheck

203. by buying me beer with it.

204. Right away, Mr. Butt-Head.

205. Uh, what are you doing, Beavis?

206. I just want some Count Chocula.

207. We need beer, not, like, health food.

208. No way! It's my money.

209. I earned it.

210. I gave you a bath.

211. You wouldn't even have

212. the money if I wasn't all pathetic or whatever.

213. Ah! Damn it...

214. I'm gonna kill you, Mr. Butt-Head!

215. Beavis, you're about to get fired the hard way.

216. Ah!

217. Ah, no! Ah, no!

218. Mr. Butt-Head, no, stop! No, ah!

219. Ow, ah!

220. Help, Butt-Head! Ow, ow!

221. I swear, Beavis, if you're still alive, you're fired.

222. You're unemployed again.

223. I'm making money from workman's comp,

224. and I still have my self-steam.

225. No, you don't.

226. You're a dumb butthole, and you always will be.

227. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I forgot.

228. Yeah, thank you.

229. - Just fascinating. - Yes, yes.

230. Intellectually stimulating. Yes, yes, very humorous.

231. Unfortunately, oh, foolish humans,

232. your puny brains are too weak

233. to comprehend what you just saw.

234. Yes, yes.

235. I hope you were at least able to enjoy the pretty colors.

236. Smart Butt-Head,

237. let us watch it again to pick up more smart nuances.

238. We cannot, because I think I erased it.

239. Ah, yes, droll, droll, yes.

240. Quire risible, yes. - Amusing.

241. Amusing and humorous, yes, yes.

242. Quite off-kilter, yes, yes.

243. You missed. - Yes, yes, indeed.

244. Too much yaw... Entering new coordinates now.

245. Um, those are not the right coordinates, Smart Butt-Head.

246. Quite farcical, yes.

247. Yes, yes, allow me.

248. Those were also incorrect.

249. Yes, yes, peculiar and quaint, yes, yes.

250. Chirp.