Mike Judge's Beavis and Butt-Head 1x19

Directed by Michael A. Zimmerman

Marla Black as Abstinence Girl (voice) • Chris Diamantopoulos as Pastor Travis / Iron Man (voice) • Richard Kind as Rabbi (voice) • Ally Maki as Charlotte (voice) • Piotr Michael as Jesus Chip (voice)

Beavis sees the face of Jesus in a nacho chip, setting him on an epic journey to seek answers to the big question - "Why do I never score?"

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1. Um, Butt-Head?

2. Um... how come we never score?

3. Uhh...

4. I don't know.

5. I mean, other people score, you know?

6. It just doesn't make any sense.

7. Sure doesn't.

8. Maybe there's a reason we never score.

9. Like, maybe somebody up there doesn't want us to score.

10. Like... up there. Above.

11. In, like, the heavenly clouds or something.

12. Uhh...

13. what are you talking about, Beavis?

14. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess you're right.

15. There's nobody up there.

16. Whoa!

17. Whoa, Butt-Head. Butt-Head!

18. Hey, check it out. - What?

19. In my chip, look. It's that guy.

20. - What guy? - That guy.

21. You know, the guy who's Jesus or...

22. Or, like, Christ or something.

23. You dumb-ass, that's not Jesus.

24. That's, like, that hippie from the Beatles or something.

25. Shut up, Butt-Head.

26. It is a sign.

27. A sign that Jesus has appeared in these nachos

28. to help me score. Yeah.

29. She's got one of those things on

30. that you wore that time someone drew wieners

31. all over your face. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

32. Yeah, yeah, I cut holes out just like that, yeah.

33. You know, I never figured out who did it.

34. It's like one minute we're sitting here watching TV,

35. and then I fall asleep on the couch.

36. And then the next thing I know,

37. I wake up and there's schlongs all over my forehead and face.

38. And no one else was here.

39. I mean, except you, of course.

40. And the door was locked.

41. And it just doesn't make any sense.

42. But I'm gonna figure it out

43. because whoever did it made one mistake.

44. They wrote "BH" underneath the schlongs.

45. The "BH," I think, stands for, "Beavis, hello."

46. You know, which is nice, but, you know...

47. But who would say hello? I mean, except you, of course.

48. Just can't think of anybody.

49. But I'm gonna figure it out.

50. You're a dumb-ass.

51. Sometimes, like, when you say a word

52. over and over again like she is,

53. you forget what it means.

54. Oh, yeah. Let me try.

55. Attitude, attitude, attitude,

56. attitude, attitude, attitude, attitude, attitude.

57. Yeah, I don't know what "attitude" means.

58. I don't think I knew what it meant

59. before though, you know?

60. If I, like, kept saying "Beavis" over and over again,

61. you wouldn't mean anything.

62. You know, like,

63. Beavis, Beavis, Beavis. - C'mon, don't do that,

64. Butt-Head. - Beavis, Beavis, Beavis.

65. It's not gonna work, Butt-Head.

66. - Beavis, Beavis, Beavis. - Can you stop doing that,

67. Butt-Head? - Beavis, Beavis, Beavis.

68. Butt-Head, I'm serious. Don't do that.

69. - Beavis, Beavis, Beavis. - C'mon, stop.

70. Whoa. C'mon, stop. - Beavis, Beavis, Beavis.

71. - Stop it, Butt-Head, c'mon. - Beavis, Beavis, Beavis.

72. - Wait a minute, who am I? - Beavis, Beavis, Beavis.

73. - Did I disappear? - Hey, Beavis. Beavis.

74. - Do I exist? - Beavis, Beavis, Beavis.

75. Say something else. Say any other words, like...

76. - Beavis. - Like, Beavis.

77. I mean... - Beavis, Beavis, Beavis.

78. Just say anything.

79. Any other words but that. C'mon.

80. Uh, okay.

81. I drew wieners all over your face.

82. Ohh!

83. Oh, yeah, yeah.

84. Yeah, I finally solved the case.

85. Yeah.

86. Damn it, Beavis, that isn't Jesus

87. on your nachos chip.

88. And if he was gonna help anyone score it'd be me

89. because I'm better-looking.

90. Oh, yeah, yeah.

91. Yeah, I guess that's true. Yeah.

92. Butt-Head, check it out! It's another sign, see?

93. Maybe to score, we have to go into that church

94. and, like... like, sing Christmas songs or something.

95. Damn it, Beavis, you're never gonna score

96. if you keep acting weird.

97. No way, Butt-Head, shut up.

98. I'm tired of listening to you.

99. From now on, I'm listening to Him.

100. Who?

101. The Lord.

102. That's not the Lord, dumb-ass.

103. That's that chick who never scored.

104. No way, that's him. Yeah.

105. Quit being all weird.

106. I'm gonna eat your magic chip so you'll shut up...

107. No way, Butt-Head.

108. From now on, I'm listening to Him, butthole.

109. And, soon, I shall score.

110. So it shall be.

111. Boi-oing.

112. And he said unto me, "Get on down."

113. You know what I'm saying?

114. Okay, let's see. Where is he?

115. Oh, there he is.

116. Damn it, Lord, am I gonna score or not?

117. I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

118. Do I, like, leave money under my pillow or something?

119. Or, I don't know, just like...

120. Like, what's the deal here?

121. C'mon.

122. Welcome, my son.

123. Looking for answers? Perhaps I can help.

124. So, Your Honor, um...

125. I want to know how I can get Jesus to help me out

126. if you know what I'm saying.

127. To study the nature of the Christ,

128. I could refer you to any number of papal encyclicals.

129. Uh-huh. Yeah.

130. But I would suggest you start

131. with the Christavideas Lavadicci,

132. 'cause it is addressed specifically to the laity.

133. Okay, that's sounds good. "Lay."

134. It was written by Pope John Paul II

135. after a special synod of bishops in Rome.

136. The seventh such synod since Vatican II.

137. Vatican II?

138. Is that, like, when Iron Man kicked that guy's ass?

139. I didn't get what was going on in that movie, you know?

140. I don't often get a chance to go to the cinema.

141. Anyway, Christavideas is a powerful statement

142. redefining the role of the laity,

143. which is nothing less than the transformation

144. of the entire temporal order.

145. Yeah, yeah.

146. That's, uh... yeah. Uh-huh.

147. I know what you're going to say...

148. That would make it the boldest papal pronouncement

149. since Quia Nonnumquam.

150. But let's take it easy before we all get excommunicated.

151. - Yes. - Yeah, really.

152. Or something.

153. Anyway, you're going to want to read this as well.

154. Yeah, yeah, I guess, maybe, you know.

155. I'll take a look, you know.

156. I'm just gonna go ahead and put these here.

157. They'll be safe.

158. Nonumquam.

159. That's a cool logo, yeah.

160. Give this a try.

161. So, um, Father,

162. I was at one of your other branches

163. and couldn't really understand what the guy was saying.

164. And, um, I just have some questions about Jesus.

165. Jews actually don't believe in Jesus as the Messiah.

166. Our religion teaches

167. that the Messiah has not yet come.

168. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I see.

169. So, um... so what does Jesus want me to do?

170. Like, how do I get him to use his magic powers?

171. Again, as a Jew, Jesus is not part of my faith.

172. Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah. Hey, wow, um...

173. So how tall was Jesus, you think?

174. Well, that's a good question.

175. But I think it's probably better posed

176. to someone of the Christian faith.

177. But I'd love to answer any questions you have

178. about Judaism.

179. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. I understand.

180. Yeah, um, so is it weird for Jesus

181. that he has the same name as the Christmas baby?

182. That's not really a question about Judaism.

183. Oh, right, right.

184. So, Your Honor, um, it's cool if you say no,

185. and don't get mad, but, um,

186. is it okay if I ask you a question

187. that's not about Jesus?

188. - Yes. - Okay, yeah, um...

189. It would have been nice to know that before, you know,

190. but, um, anyway...

191. Um, is there a guy inside Iron Man?

192. Okay, Stark Industries was founded in 1939

193. by Howard Stark, Tony Stark's father.

194. - Uh-huh. - And it quickly grows to be

195. the biggest, high-tech arms manufacturer on the planet.

196. - Huh? - When Tony Stark takes over

197. as CEO, he gets kidnapped in Afghanistan.

198. Let me show you where that is on the map.

199. Oh, boy.

200. So Tony's gonna have to invent an arc reactor.

201. This sucks.

202. Gonna get my napkin ready just in case anything falls...

203. Whoa, she's really gonna eat ten Big Macs in a row?

204. I'm really glad...

205. Uh, no, she's probably just gonna, like,

206. lecture us on how fast food is bad for you.

207. Oh, yeah, yeah.

208. She's probably just gonna, like, yell at us

209. about meat and America and "meat is murder."

210. Go.

211. Uh, wait a second.

212. I think she's really gonna do it.

213. Whoa. Yes.

214. Yes, she's not spitting it out or complaining or anything.

215. Yeah, yeah. - Yes.

216. Yes. - Whoa, yeah, yeah.

217. - Ooh, that's good. - Yeah, get it. Yeah, yeah.

218. - Yes, yes, yes. - Go, go, go.

219. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

220. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

221. - Go. Yes. - Go, yeah, yeah.

222. This is great.

223. Yeah.

224. This is the coolest chick I have ever seen in my life.

225. Yeah. Ooh, yeah.

226. Look at that. Just look at that.

227. Whoa. I think she's gonna drink

228. that whole thing of Coke. - Shut up, Butt-Head.

229. I just want to sit here

230. and watch this girl eat hamburgers.

231. This is the most beautiful thing

232. I have ever seen. Yeah.

233. Okay, Beavis.

234. It is amazing.

235. It sure is.

236. You know, um...

237. Normally, you know, I see a girl like this, you know,

238. and I just think I want to score with her, but, um,

239. now I want to just, like,

240. settle down with her, you know?

241. And, like... and get married.

242. And, um...

243. And have a couple kids.

244. And hopefully she doesn't eat the kids, you know, but, um...

245. Yeah, and if Big Macs are more important,

246. then, you know, she can have all the Big Macs she wants

247. and I'll understand,

248. you know... That that comes first.

249. You know?

250. Okay, Beavis.

251. Maybe I could score with her

252. after she's really full, you know?

253. You know, the 11th Big Mac is Beavis. Yeah.

254. Me.

255. Uh, I think I'm in love, Beavis.

256. And I'm gonna have to kick your ass for her.

257. Shut up, Butt-Head, c'mon.

258. I would drive all the way to New Zealand to get her.

259. Okay, she's in the home stretch, now.

260. It's down to the last three. C'mon.

261. At this point, it's all mental.

262. You don't eat those last three Big Macs

263. with your mouth.

264. You eat them with your heart.

265. She has the heart of a champion.

266. And it is completely clogged with beef fat.

267. Shut up, Butt-Head.

268. That's my wife you're talking about.

269. I feel...

270. My woman.

271. Pardon me.

272. And then I went to a place called a mosque or something.

273. But they did not want to talk about Jesus.

274. Wow.

275. Your dumb-ass nacho isn't gonna help us score, Beavis.

276. No way. I still believe He will help me score.

277. C'mon. Just give me a sign.

278. Any kind of sign.

279. Hey, Bobby!

280. Bobby and Broderick!

281. Whoa.

282. It's Audrey from your homeroom.

283. I am so glad to see you guys here.

284. No chick has ever said that to us.

285. It is a miracle.

286. I've noticed you guys, like, talk about sex all the time.

287. Like, it's all you think about.

288. And it's getting in the way

289. of your studies and making other friends.

290. It sure is, baby.

291. I think what we do here

292. could really help you get over that

293. and start living your best life.

294. - Totally. - Mm-hmm.

295. Uh, wait a minute.

296. I see what's going on here.

297. You're saying you're gonna help us score?

298. It really helped me with my SAT scores,

299. if that's what you mean.

300. Come on it. It'll be fun.

301. We're gonna score.

302. Hallelujah.

303. she just said, um,

304. "whatever you give life you'll get back"?

305. Um, everybody's always saying that.

306. And, um... and it's just not true

307. because, um... because I, like,

308. just keep giving and giving

309. and trying and everything sucks.

310. And, um... There's no life.

311. And, um... yeah, yeah, anyway.

312. I just wanted to say something about that, yeah.

313. That would be a cool song,

314. Beavis.

315. You know, about how life sucks.

316. Yeah, yeah, I mean, if I could score just one time,

317. I'd say, "Yeah, yeah, okay. There's something."

318. Yeah.

319. I'm not asking for a lot. Just one time, yeah.

320. Yeah, it could be with anyone.

321. It could be with her, it could be with her,

322. it could be with her.

323. It could be anyone. Oh, not her, though. No.

324. She has fake hair.

325. She's all phony, yeah.

326. Uh, those are all the same chick, Beavis.

327. Then any of them, or all of them,

328. or the same one. I don't care.

329. All I need is... Whoa, a cheeseburger.

330. Yeah, that looks pretty good right about now.

331. Yeah, I think I'm just hungry, you know?

332. I get like this when I'm hungry.

333. I might go get a cheeseburger, Butt-Head.

334. Kick ass.

335. Dumbass.

336. Welcome to our abstinence circle.

337. Audrey, can you introduce us to your new friends?

338. Pastor Travis, Bobby and Broderick are

339. excited to hear about sexual abstinence.

340. Excited to hear it, excited to do it.

341. Yeah, yeah.

342. Yeah, sexual abbisance. Yeah.

343. Boi-oi-oi-oing.

344. Yeah, yeah. Cool.

345. See, the culture and the media can give you a lot of BS

346. about sex, right?

347. But in here, we keep it real.

348. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

349. - I want it real. - Yeah.

350. - Right now. - Right on, right on.

351. Well, why don't we hear it from you peers?

352. Who's ready to do a share?

353. I'll go.

354. I was a little scared of abstinence at first.

355. I wasn't sure I could do it.

356. We're here to support you.

357. Aw, thanks.

358. But now, I feel filled up with joy.

359. Yeah, yeah.

360. - Yeah. - Yeah, filled.

361. Joy.

362. Yeah. Thanks to abstinence,

363. now I can really get to know people deep down.

364. Yeah, yeah, deep down.

365. - Yeah. - And the best part is

366. you're not alone.

367. We're doing it with you.

368. That's the point, dumb-ass.

369. All of us together.

370. Yeah, yeah. All of us, yeah, yeah.

371. Except him, yeah.

372. All at the same time, yeah.

373. Sounds pretty good, huh?

374. So what'll it be? Are you ready?

375. Ready to get on top of all those sexual urges and desires

376. and really feel fulfilled?

377. - Can we do it right now, sir? - Yeah, yeah.

378. Yeah, right now. Yeah!

379. You can choose abstinence right now.

380. Yes!

381. - Uh... - What are we waiting for?

382. - Bro... - Yeah, yeah. Let's do

383. some sexual abbisance. - Whoa, relax, bro.

384. - Excuse me? - Yeah, let's all get naked.

385. - Get off the chair, bro. - Aah!

386. Oh, dear.

387. Wow, where am I?

388. Is this part of scoring?

389. Am I dead?

390. What's going on?

391. Give me an answer, somebody.

392. Somebody, please.

393. The answer lies in an apostolic exhortation

394. from Pope John Paul called Perfectae Caritatis.

395. Did I mention that Tony Stark had to invent an arc reactor?

396. Yeah, you said that already.

397. With respect, Rabbi, I'd already invented

398. the arc reactor.

399. What I did in Afghanistan was engineer it

400. into a smaller form factor.

401. You're splitting hairs.

402. Damn it, enough.

403. Can somebody please tell me what's going on?

404. Am I scoring right now?

405. Or did I just score?

406. No.

407. You are not scoring, my child.

408. You will never score.

409. - Assuredly not, no. - Wow, Jesus makes

410. a good point. - Yeah, he'll never score.

411. Yeah, that sucks.

412. Just get that from you.

413. Still fresh.

414. Ew, look at that. That's disgusting.

415. Who would do that? Who would eat a salad?

416. Yeah, I would never do that. Yeah.

417. Uh, what kind of lizard, dragon thing is this anyway?

418. It's a white-throated monitor lizard, Butt-Head.

419. Uh, what?

420. It's a white-throated monitor lizard.

421. Yeah.

422. How do you know, Beavis?

423. I don't know.

424. I like lizards.

425. Yeah, yeah, it's, like, um...

426. Like, one of my passions.

427. You know, like, um,

428. spanking my monkey.

429. You know, and, um... And fire, of course.

430. And, um... And lizards.

431. Yeah. Yep.

432. Passion.

433. You know what really pisses me off?

434. How come this lizard gets to have dinner

435. with a hot chick and she, like, feeds him

436. and wipes his mouth and takes care of him,

437. and I never get to have dinner with any chick at all?

438. It's not fair.

439. That's 'cause this lizard is

440. better-looking than you, Beavis.

441. And he's smoother.

442. He's like, "Hey, baby,

443. "you know, I don't normally do this,

444. "but I feel such a strong connection with you.

445. "I was thinking maybe we would go

446. "back to my terrarium and find out

447. if I have a schlong."

448. "And then maybe we can go eat some crickets."

449. No, no, Butt-Head. No.

450. You're thinking of the ridge-tailed monitor.

451. That doesn't work.

452. Damn it, Beavis, you threw me off.

453. If you want to be wrong, that's fine.

454. Beavis, I'm gonna smack you upside the head.

455. Yeah, you can smack me upside the head,

456. but white-throated monitors do not eat crickets.

457. It makes them sick.

458. It's only the ridge-tailed

459. and maybe sometimes a Nile mon... aah!

460. Dumbass.

461. Well, Butt-Head, um...

462. I guess Iron Man really doesn't want us to score.

463. It's just not our time, Beavis.

464. I think Audrey said that we have to wait

465. until we're, like, the last man on Earth or something.

466. Oh, yeah, yeah.

467. Yeah, well, you know,

468. I'll just wait for another sign then.

469. Whoa, Butt-Head, check it out! It's a...

470. Eh...

471. Eh, just ignore it.

472. I'll be damned.

473. Chirp.