1. Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere,
sponsored by Chorley FM.Copy !req
2. Deeper And Down by Status
QuoCopy !req
3. Deeper and downCopy !req
4. Down, down, deeper and downCopy !req
5. Down, down, deeper and downCopy !req
6. Down, down, deeper and downCopy !req
7. I want all the world to seeCopy !req
8. To see you're laughin'
and you're laughin' at meCopy !req
9. I'll keep on and say to youCopy !req
10. Again, again, again, again again, again, againCopy !req
11. Deeper and down
Down, down, deeper and down...Copy !req
12. Speed camera!Copy !req
13. - It flashed, it flashed!
- I do not believe you!Copy !req
14. Did you not see it?Copy !req
15. Obviously not. I am driving, I'm a bit busy.Copy !req
16. I tell you what they are -
money spinners for the police.Copy !req
17. I just paid for their Christmas piss-up.Copy !req
18. "What'll it be, sarge?"
"I'll have a double whisky - Paddy's paying."Copy !req
19. - Do you not blame it on the music?
- The music?Copy !req
20. The music. It got you all geed up.Copy !req
21. I don't think that'll hold up in court, Max.Copy !req
22. "Reason for speeding - Status Quo."Copy !req
23. No. Paddy's had enough.Copy !req
24. I'm making a stand right 'ere, right now.
We're gonna do summat.Copy !req
25. Deeper and down
Down, down, deeper and downCopy !req
26. Down, down, deeper and downCopy !req
27. Down, down, deeper and downCopy !req
28. Get down...Copy !req
29. CAR HORNCopy !req
30. Hey-hey, that's right!Copy !req
31. CAR HORNCopy !req
32. Get down, deeper and downCopy !req
33. Down, down, deeper and downCopy !req
34. Down, down, deeper and down...Copy !req
35. A wing and a jolly good swing
and a one, two, three...Copy !req
36. Don't know where we're goin'
Got no way of knowin'Copy !req
37. Drivin' on the road to nowhereCopy !req
38. Sponging for a living
Checking out the womenCopy !req
39. Riding on the road to nowhereCopy !req
40. And we don't take shit from anyoneCopy !req
41. The only thing we wanna do
is have some funCopy !req
42. We're Max and Paddy...Copy !req
43. Paddy and MaxCopy !req
44. .. And best of all we don't pay council tax.Copy !req
45. I don't understand why you wanna see him.Copy !req
46. Because we're up here and he's a mate of mine.Copy !req
47. Well, he's no mate of mine.Copy !req
48. You wanna be thankful. If he hadn't
got sent down, you wouldn't be here.Copy !req
49. How'd you work that out?Copy !req
50. Cos you've got his job.Copy !req
51. I'll get him a pint when I see him.
But not tonight -Copy !req
52. it's Friday night, Paddy's playtime.Copy !req
53. I wanna be bumpin' and grindin' with the ladies,Copy !req
54. not meeting Billy "The Butcher" Shannon.Copy !req
55. And you know why they call him
"Billy The Butcher" don't you?Copy !req
56. Yeah, cos he were a butcher
before he were a doorman.Copy !req
57. Really? Not cos he stabbed his care worker
18 times with a potato peeler then?Copy !req
58. We've all got a breaking point, Patrick.Copy !req
59. He told her he didn't like jigsaws.Copy !req
60. Anyway, that's all behind him now.Copy !req
61. He's changed.Copy !req
62. No... cheese... on... Friday!Copy !req
63. What... have... I... told you?Copy !req
64. MOANINGCopy !req
65. Why do we always do what you wanna do?Copy !req
66. We don't.Copy !req
67. We spent the afternoon in a craft museum.Copy !req
68. It'll do you good, a bit of history.Copy !req
69. Sacrilege, what they did to our
cotton industry - they ruined it.Copy !req
70. Judging by what these pippins are wearing,
I'm not surprised it went bust.Copy !req
71. Yes! Gotta get a slice of that pie tonight.Copy !req
72. We'll go and see Billy - one beer won't hurt us.Copy !req
73. That's what George Best said.Copy !req
74. Hey! Got any jobs for real doormen?Copy !req
75. Max? Jesus, Max!Copy !req
76. I can't believe you're here, man, in t'flesh!Copy !req
77. - How are ya?
- How are you, sensei?Copy !req
78. - Nice to see you, Billy.
- And you, sir.Copy !req
79. This is Paddy. D'you remember him?Copy !req
80. - Yeah, he took me job.
- Long time ago, that.Copy !req
81. So why're you here? Some shit going down?Copy !req
82. Old scores to settle?Copy !req
83. No, Billy, just passin' through.Copy !req
84. Finally got one of them motor homes.Copy !req
85. 'Ave you? Where is it?Copy !req
86. This is it, Billy.Copy !req
87. So it is.Copy !req
88. Hey, she's a big girl.Copy !req
89. Bet she swallows some juice.Copy !req
90. She does.Copy !req
91. At last, the Easy Rider.Copy !req
92. Riders.Copy !req
93. You what?Copy !req
94. Riders. Two of us, like the film.Copy !req
95. Yeah, but one of them got shot.Copy !req
96. Anyway, we didn't drive all this way
for t'die of thirst. Gonna buy us a drink?Copy !req
97. I'll get you one. She'll not be old enough.Copy !req
98. - Here he is.
- Here we go.Copy !req
99. - I'm ready for this.
- For you.Copy !req
100. Cheers, Billy.Copy !req
101. Cheers, Maxie.Copy !req
102. So, how was prison?Copy !req
103. I'll tell you summat,
you wouldn't have lasted seven minutes.Copy !req
104. - Is that right?
- They'd have split you in two.Copy !req
105. Actually, we've both done a bit of bird.Copy !req
106. Hast thou? How long?Copy !req
107. Long enough.Copy !req
108. Five days.Copy !req
109. Five days? Five days?Copy !req
110. I've slept longer than that. No offence, Max.Copy !req
111. None taken, Billy.Copy !req
112. You wanna try doing five years.Copy !req
113. Know what it's like to go
without a woman for five years?Copy !req
114. - Max does, he's done ten.
- Careful.Copy !req
115. I won't be going back that's for sure.
Not now I've got a son.Copy !req
116. - You've got a kid?
- I have. That's him there.Copy !req
117. Tyson Lennox, or as I calls him,
me little miracle.Copy !req
118. That is a miracle.Copy !req
119. Looks like his dad, don't he?Copy !req
120. I don't know, Billy, it's hard to tell.
Who's that with him?Copy !req
121. His mam.Copy !req
122. Doctors said we couldn't have kids,
got something wrong with me balls.Copy !req
123. It's me jizzies. All me jizzies
are swimming in t'wrong direction.Copy !req
124. It were bedlam in me sac
till doctor got me on that HMV.Copy !req
125. You mean IVF?Copy !req
126. Why, have you been on it?Copy !req
127. Nothing wrong with my jizzies -
they'd take your eye out.Copy !req
128. Or mine. I've got a kid meself.Copy !req
129. 'Ave you? So have I. That's him there -
Tyson Lennox, me little miracle.Copy !req
130. You just showed him to us,
about 25 seconds ago, son.Copy !req
131. I'm on me way to see him.
Hey, can I cadge a lift?Copy !req
132. Erm... I don't know, Billy.
Whereabouts is it?Copy !req
133. Christ knows. His mam took him down
Blockbusters. They've been gone three weeks.Copy !req
134. There's so much choice these days.Copy !req
135. We could look for him together, Max, me and you.Copy !req
136. In Blockbusters?Copy !req
137. No, drivin' round! It'd be a reet laugh.Copy !req
138. - Now, hang on...
- What?Copy !req
139. You know what they say - two's company.Copy !req
140. - And?
- And three's not.Copy !req
141. We've only got a little motor home.
Where would you sleep?Copy !req
142. You know me - I'll sleep anywhere.
I'll kip on washing line.Copy !req
143. Good, cos you're not coming.Copy !req
144. It ain't up to you. It's his motor home.Copy !req
145. Actually, half of that's mine,
so I get half a say.Copy !req
146. Well, you can take your half and...
BELLCopy !req
147. Hey! Just calm down, the pair of you.Copy !req
148. Paddy, Billy...Copy !req
149. What d'you say, Max?
It'd be like auld times.Copy !req
150. Erm, well, I don't know.Copy !req
151. It's me and Paddy, Billy.Copy !req
152. He's too tall for you.Copy !req
153. Is he?Copy !req
154. What about the club? You're
on the door, you can't leave that.Copy !req
155. I'd get another - we'll manage.Copy !req
156. What d'you say?Copy !req
157. Erm...Copy !req
158. Cheers, Max!
Hey, it's gonna be good, this.Copy !req
159. HE MOUTHSCopy !req
160. Here'll do.Copy !req
161. Is this it?Copy !req
162. Shithole. Just hang on, I'll get me stuff.Copy !req
163. Right, drive off.Copy !req
164. What?Copy !req
165. He's not coming. Drive off.Copy !req
166. Oh, no.
ENGINE OFFCopy !req
167. I can't do that, Patrick. Not to a mate.Copy !req
168. He's not a mate, he's a lunatic.Copy !req
169. You only want him to come cos he
thinks the sun shines out your arse.Copy !req
170. I can remember when you thought that.Copy !req
171. When?Copy !req
172. When you had a bit of R-S-P-C-T,
that's when.Copy !req
173. It's hard to respect somebody
who can't flush a chemical toilet.Copy !req
174. I did flush it, OK?Copy !req
175. We must have a ghost that eats sweetcorn then.Copy !req
176. Hey, Shannon! I want a word with you.Copy !req
177. Playin' your music at all hours,
boom, boom, boom...Copy !req
178. The wife's just had her legs pinned.Copy !req
179. Where'd you think you're goin'?Copy !req
180. I hope you're not doing a bunk
without paying me two weeks' rent.Copy !req
181. I've got your money. It's right here.
GUN COCKEDCopy !req
182. Hey, hey, hey, hey...Copy !req
183. (Max) He's here now.Copy !req
184. - Christ! How much stuff have you got?
- Shut it, you.Copy !req
185. Don't you love this, Max? Me and you.Copy !req
186. - I'm starving.
- Yeah, I could eat something.Copy !req
187. There'll be nothing open now.Copy !req
188. What's this?Copy !req
189. Let's get in here.Copy !req
190. See, it's shut.Copy !req
191. How'd you know?Copy !req
192. - She's putting chairs on tables.
- Yeah.Copy !req
193. Let me have a word with her, Max,Copy !req
194. see if she'll succumb to Billy's charm.Copy !req
195. Arsehole.Copy !req
196. Hey. There were no need for that,
were there?Copy !req
197. - Come here.
- (We're shut.)Copy !req
198. - Come here.
- (I said we're shut, pet.)Copy !req
199. - You what?
- (We're shut.)Copy !req
200. No, you're not.
Get that fuckin' cooker on.Copy !req
201. We're in here, Max!Copy !req
202. Hey, we're in here.
He's not lost the touch! Come on!Copy !req
203. - Everything all right?
- Yeah, sweet as a nut, Max.Copy !req
204. Just saying to Paddy, she's got
a heart of gold, cooking after hours.Copy !req
205. Brings a tear to your eye.Copy !req
206. She's here!Copy !req
207. I am ready for this. Ho-ho!Copy !req
208. Manna from heaven.Copy !req
209. Whoa! Steady, cockle, steady!Copy !req
210. All right, flower, take it easy.
There's no rush. Thank you.Copy !req
211. She's shaking like a shitting dog.Copy !req
212. I'm not surprised,
the hours they have 'em working.Copy !req
213. Slave labour, Patrick.
Bet she's knackered, the poor cow.Copy !req
214. Hey! I'd kill for some tomato sauce.Copy !req
215. CROCKERY RATTLESCopy !req
216. Here we go - best drink of the day.Copy !req
217. - Whoa, whoa, whoa! I want it in the cup.
- Sorry, sorry!Copy !req
218. - Getting third-degree burns here.
- Put the pot down! It's all right, love.Copy !req
219. You go and get five minutes. I'll be mother.
You go and have five minutes.Copy !req
220. She's being treated like shit, this lady.Copy !req
221. And judging by her age,
the menopause won't be helping.Copy !req
222. Meno-what?Copy !req
223. The menopause.Copy !req
224. Never heard of it.Copy !req
225. The menopause? The change?Copy !req
226. Hot sweats? Vaginal dryness?Copy !req
227. There may be hot sweats when Paddy's in town,
but there's no dryness.Copy !req
228. Who's got this? You?Copy !req
229. How? How have I got vaginal dryness?Copy !req
230. Think about it, you clown.Copy !req
231. You're bloody good, Max - give that
Quincy a run for his money.Copy !req
232. I'll tell you something else I've noticed -Copy !req
233. she's on her own.
On her own at this time of night.Copy !req
234. - Place could get robbed.
- Oh, aye. Where is the manager?Copy !req
235. HE MOANSCopy !req
236. Few good 'uns on here -
Boxcar Willy, Johnny Cash.Copy !req
237. - Hey, TV Themes, now we're talking!
- Good at them, me. Knows 'em all.Copy !req
238. Not as many as Paddy,
I tell you that right now.Copy !req
239. - You wanna bet?
- Yeah, I do. We'll see.Copy !req
240. 'Scuse me, love, how much are these CDs?Copy !req
241. You're all right, just take it. Just take it.Copy !req
242. D'you hear that? Salt of the earth,
that woman, salt of the earth.Copy !req
243. Thank you!Copy !req
244. All right.Copy !req
245. What I've done is written it down
for you, Brenda, love -Copy !req
246. Citizens Advice Bureau,
ask to speak to your ombudsman.Copy !req
247. You can't go on working in these
conditions, it's slave labour, love.Copy !req
248. - Are you in a union?
- Max! Are you coming or what?Copy !req
249. One minute, Patrick.Copy !req
250. Go to your doctor, get yourself some good HRT,Copy !req
251. you want some homeophobic remedies.
Evening primrose, that's a good 'un.Copy !req
252. Gotta look after your body, Brenda.Copy !req
253. Don't go filling it full of shit,
take a leaf out of my book.Copy !req
254. I've written it down for you.Copy !req
255. Think on, Brenda. All right? Come on!Copy !req
256. That were a meal, weren't it?
We ate like kings.Copy !req
257. Tell me about it -
me pants are cutting into me here.Copy !req
258. Eh-up, what's goin' on?Copy !req
259. Something's kicking off.Copy !req
260. Friday night -
the weekend starts here, boys.Copy !req
261. Right, the three suspects held up
the roadside cafe at 01.15.Copy !req
262. It was a violent and unprovoked assault.Copy !req
263. Approach the suspects with extreme caution.Copy !req
264. They are armed and they are dangerous.Copy !req
265. Sons and daughter, love and laughterCopy !req
266. Tears and sadness and happiness...Copy !req
267. Sons And Daughters!Copy !req
268. - You're not having that, we've just sung it!
- I got it. Tell him, Max.Copy !req
269. Give him a point, Paddy.Copy !req
270. I'll allow it.Copy !req
271. As it is 12-2 to Paddy.
I thought you were good at these.Copy !req
272. The only two you've got are Porridge
and Bad Girls and I wonder why that is?Copy !req
273. Just shut up and play t'next one.Copy !req
274. Mrs Brenda Vickers was forced at gunpoint
to cook two Americano breakfastsCopy !req
275. and a Florida waffle surprise.Copy !req
276. CHEESY TV THEMECopy !req
277. We've had three positive IDs
from Mrs Vickers -Copy !req
278. a familiar face, Billy Shannon.Copy !req
279. Officers went to his flat this morningCopy !req
280. and found Shannon's landlord
and his wife wired up to the mains.Copy !req
281. I've got it! It's Play Your Cards Right!Copy !req
282. No, it's Bruce Forsyth's
Play Your Cards Right.Copy !req
283. - No way, you slag! I am having that!
- Hey!Copy !req
284. Get off!Copy !req
285. It's TV Themes! It's TV Themes!Copy !req
286. Calm down, the pair of you,
or I'll crack your heads together.Copy !req
287. Services - let's get in here, get a
drink, calm down for the love of God!Copy !req
288. Right, who's for a Ginsters?Copy !req
289. I'm all right, me. I'll stay here.Copy !req
290. I'm taking this. I don't want you cheating.Copy !req
291. And when I come back, I'm having that point.Copy !req
292. Yeah, whatever.Copy !req
293. HE MOUTHSCopy !req
294. What is goin' on?Copy !req
295. The man is a lunatic.Copy !req
296. Have you seen this?Copy !req
297. - That's Billy's head. Who's done that?
- Who'd you think?Copy !req
298. Have you seen this?Copy !req
299. - "Roadside cafe in armed terror". That's us!
- I know.Copy !req
300. Never mind any of that -Copy !req
301. have you seen this?Copy !req
302. Put the gun down, Billy.
You can have the extra point.Copy !req
303. It's not about points, Max.Copy !req
304. Have you been going through
my stuff, Paddy?Copy !req
305. No.Copy !req
306. You won't be doing it again.Copy !req
307. We're gonna teach you a lesson.Copy !req
308. Dave! Dave, is that you?Copy !req
309. Come here!Copy !req
310. Put the gun down, Billy, lad.Copy !req
311. He's crossed a line, Max.Copy !req
312. He's crossed a line? What about this?
You robbed the Little Chef.Copy !req
313. Jesus, Bill, why didn't you tell me?
I'd have warmed some soup up.Copy !req
314. Oh, shit!Copy !req
315. Paddy!Copy !req
316. Pad-dy!Copy !req
317. Oh, me pasty!Copy !req
318. He just gets jealous...Copy !req
319. - Chief! Shots have been fired at services.
- Whereabouts?Copy !req
320. - Scotch Corner.
- Sounds like them! Let's get down there, men.Copy !req
321. And Sandra.Copy !req
322. Paddy!Copy !req
323. Move out of the bloody way!Copy !req
324. Paddy!Copy !req
325. You've shot Paddy!Copy !req
326. It's better now - just us two.Copy !req
327. We can be together. But not in a gay way.Copy !req
328. He were right - you're not a friend,
you're a lunatic!Copy !req
329. Don't say that, Max.Copy !req
330. Hear that? That's the police!Copy !req
331. They're coming for you, son. Give me the gun.Copy !req
332. I can't do that, Max.Copy !req
333. Come on, Billy.Copy !req
334. Don't be a hero.Copy !req
335. If I can't have you, no-one can have you.Copy !req
336. I'll shoot us both.
We'll be together one way or another.Copy !req
337. But not in a gay way.Copy !req
338. Go on, then. Go on, then, do it!Copy !req
339. Do it! Now!Copy !req
340. 'Ave it!Copy !req
341. - Bloody hell, I thought you'd never hit him.
- Don't thank me, whatever you do(!)Copy !req
342. Are you all right?Copy !req
343. I will be when I get this bullet out me arse.Copy !req
344. Aiding and abetting a known felon on an armed
raid. But you say you know nothing about that?Copy !req
345. We had no idea - we just wanted
something to eat, didn't we?Copy !req
346. I've still to take into account
reckless driving and criminal damage.Copy !req
347. Then again, you did help us
apprehend Billy Shannon.Copy !req
348. You must have known what you were getting
mixed up in? You knew what Shannon was like.Copy !req
349. You've been involved with the police recently -
I hope you're not going to make a habit of it.Copy !req
350. '.. pulled up in a motorised home,
sawed down the speed cameraCopy !req
351. 'and threw it over the hedge.'Copy !req
352. 'If you were on that road,
you must have seen them.'Copy !req
353. 'Contact the Crimetime desk, those
calls are treated in confidence.'Copy !req
354. Quick, get your foot down.Copy !req
355. (Max) Where are we going?
(Paddy) Casualty.Copy !req
356. (Max) On a Friday night? We'll be waiting hours.Copy !req
357. (Paddy) Well, do you wanna do it?Copy !req
358. You might be me best friend, Paddy,Copy !req
359. but I'm not sucking a bullet out your arse.Copy !req
360. Don't know where they're goin'
Not exactly knowin'Copy !req
361. Driving down the road to nowhereCopy !req
362. Sponging for a living,
checking out the womenCopy !req
363. Riding on the road to nowhereCopy !req
364. And it's one for all and all for oneCopy !req
365. They live the dream and then move onCopy !req
366. Living on a wing and a prayerCopy !req
367. Max and Paddy on the road to nowhere.Copy !req
368. Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere,
sponsored by Chorley FM.Copy !req