1. Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere,
sponsored by Chorley FM.Copy !req
2. Deeper And Down by Status
QuoCopy !req
3. Deeper and downCopy !req
4. Down, down, deeper and downCopy !req
5. Down, down, deeper and downCopy !req
6. Down, down, deeper and downCopy !req
7. I want all the world to seeCopy !req
8. To see you're laughin'
and you're laughin' at meCopy !req
9. I'll keep on and say to youCopy !req
10. Again, again, again, again again, again, againCopy !req
11. Deeper and down
Down, down, deeper and down...Copy !req
12. Speed camera!Copy !req
13. - It flashed, it flashed!
- I do not believe you!Copy !req
14. Did you not see it?Copy !req
15. Obviously not. I am driving, I'm a bit busy.Copy !req
16. I tell you what they are -
money spinners for the police.Copy !req
17. I just paid for their Christmas piss-up.Copy !req
18. "What'll it be, sarge?"
"I'll have a double whisky - Paddy's paying."Copy !req
19. - Do you not blame it on the music?
- The music?Copy !req
20. The music. It got you all geed up.Copy !req
21. I don't think that'll hold up in court, Max.Copy !req
22. "Reason for speeding - Status Quo."Copy !req
23. No. Paddy's had enough.Copy !req
24. I'm making a stand right 'ere, right now.
We're gonna do summat.Copy !req
25. Deeper and down
Down, down, deeper and downCopy !req
26. Down, down, deeper and downCopy !req
27. Down, down, deeper and downCopy !req
28. Get down...Copy !req
29. Hey-hey, that's right!Copy !req
30. Get down, deeper and downCopy !req
31. Down, down, deeper and downCopy !req
32. Down, down, deeper and down...Copy !req
33. A wing and a jolly good swing
and a one, two, three...Copy !req
34. Don't know where we're goin'
Got no way of knowin'Copy !req
35. Drivin' on the road to nowhereCopy !req
36. Sponging for a living
Checking out the womenCopy !req
37. Riding on the road to nowhereCopy !req
38. And we don't take shit from anyoneCopy !req
39. The only thing we wanna do
is have some funCopy !req
40. We're Max and Paddy...Copy !req
41. Paddy and MaxCopy !req
42. .. And best of all we don't pay council tax.Copy !req
43. I don't understand why you wanna see him.Copy !req
44. Because we're up here and he's a mate of mine.Copy !req
45. Well, he's no mate of mine.Copy !req
46. You wanna be thankful. If he hadn't
got sent down, you wouldn't be here.Copy !req
47. How'd you work that out?Copy !req
48. Cos you've got his job.Copy !req
49. I'll get him a pint when I see him.
But not tonight -Copy !req
50. it's Friday night, Paddy's playtime.Copy !req
51. I wanna be bumpin' and grindin' with the ladies,Copy !req
52. not meeting Billy "The Butcher" Shannon.Copy !req
53. And you know why they call him
"Billy The Butcher" don't you?Copy !req
54. Yeah, cos he were a butcher
before he were a doorman.Copy !req
55. Really? Not cos he stabbed his care worker
18 times with a potato peeler then?Copy !req
56. We've all got a breaking point, Patrick.Copy !req
57. He told her he didn't like jigsaws.Copy !req
58. Anyway, that's all behind him now.Copy !req
59. He's changed.Copy !req
60. No... cheese... on... Friday!Copy !req
61. What... have... I... told you?Copy !req
62. Why do we always do what you wanna do?Copy !req
63. We don't.Copy !req
64. We spent the afternoon in a craft museum.Copy !req
65. It'll do you good, a bit of history.Copy !req
66. Sacrilege, what they did to our
cotton industry - they ruined it.Copy !req
67. Judging by what these pippins are wearing,
I'm not surprised it went bust.Copy !req
68. Yes! Gotta get a slice of that pie tonight.Copy !req
69. We'll go and see Billy - one beer won't hurt us.Copy !req
70. That's what George Best said.Copy !req
71. Hey! Got any jobs for real doormen?Copy !req
72. Max? Jesus, Max!Copy !req
73. I can't believe you're here, man, in t'flesh!Copy !req
74. - How are ya?
- How are you, sensei?Copy !req
75. - Nice to see you, Billy.
- And you, sir.Copy !req
76. This is Paddy. D'you remember him?Copy !req
77. - Yeah, he took me job.
- Long time ago, that.Copy !req
78. So why're you here? Some shit going down?Copy !req
79. Old scores to settle?Copy !req
80. No, Billy, just passin' through.Copy !req
81. Finally got one of them motor homes.Copy !req
82. 'Ave you? Where is it?Copy !req
83. This is it, Billy.Copy !req
84. So it is.Copy !req
85. Hey, she's a big girl.Copy !req
86. Bet she swallows some juice.Copy !req
87. She does.Copy !req
88. At last, the Easy Rider.Copy !req
89. Riders.Copy !req
90. You what?Copy !req
91. Riders. Two of us, like the film.Copy !req
92. Yeah, but one of them got shot.Copy !req
93. Anyway, we didn't drive all this way
for t'die of thirst. Gonna buy us a drink?Copy !req
94. I'll get you one. She'll not be old enough.Copy !req
95. - Here he is.
- Here we go.Copy !req
96. - I'm ready for this.
- For you.Copy !req
97. Cheers, Billy.Copy !req
98. Cheers, Maxie.Copy !req
99. So, how was prison?Copy !req
100. I'll tell you summat,
you wouldn't have lasted seven minutes.Copy !req
101. - Is that right?
- They'd have split you in two.Copy !req
102. Actually, we've both done a bit of bird.Copy !req
103. Hast thou? How long?Copy !req
104. Long enough.Copy !req
105. Five days.Copy !req
106. Five days? Five days?Copy !req
107. I've slept longer than that. No offence, Max.Copy !req
108. None taken, Billy.Copy !req
109. You wanna try doing five years.Copy !req
110. Know what it's like to go
without a woman for five years?Copy !req
111. - Max does, he's done ten.
- Careful.Copy !req
112. I won't be going back that's for sure.
Not now I've got a son.Copy !req
113. - You've got a kid?
- I have. That's him there.Copy !req
114. Tyson Lennox, or as I calls him,
me little miracle.Copy !req
115. That is a miracle.Copy !req
116. Looks like his dad, don't he?Copy !req
117. I don't know, Billy, it's hard to tell.
Who's that with him?Copy !req
118. His mam.Copy !req
119. Doctors said we couldn't have kids,
got something wrong with me balls.Copy !req
120. It's me jizzies. All me jizzies
are swimming in t'wrong direction.Copy !req
121. It were bedlam in me sac
till doctor got me on that HMV.Copy !req
122. You mean IVF?Copy !req
123. Why, have you been on it?Copy !req
124. Nothing wrong with my jizzies -
they'd take your eye out.Copy !req
125. Or mine. I've got a kid meself.Copy !req
126. 'Ave you? So have I. That's him there -
Tyson Lennox, me little miracle.Copy !req
127. You just showed him to us,
about 25 seconds ago, son.Copy !req
128. I'm on me way to see him.
Hey, can I cadge a lift?Copy !req
129. Erm... I don't know, Billy.
Whereabouts is it?Copy !req
130. Christ knows. His mam took him down
Blockbusters. They've been gone three weeks.Copy !req
131. There's so much choice these days.Copy !req
132. We could look for him together, Max, me and you.Copy !req
133. In Blockbusters?Copy !req
134. No, drivin' round! It'd be a reet laugh.Copy !req
135. - Now, hang on...
- What?Copy !req
136. You know what they say - two's company.Copy !req
137. - And?
- And three's not.Copy !req
138. We've only got a little motor home.
Where would you sleep?Copy !req
139. You know me - I'll sleep anywhere.
I'll kip on washing line.Copy !req
140. Good, cos you're not coming.Copy !req
141. It ain't up to you. It's his motor home.Copy !req
142. Actually, half of that's mine,
so I get half a say.Copy !req
143. Well, you can take your half and...Copy !req
144. Hey! Just calm down, the pair of you.Copy !req
145. Paddy, Billy...Copy !req
146. What d'you say, Max?
It'd be like auld times.Copy !req
147. Erm, well, I don't know.Copy !req
148. It's me and Paddy, Billy.Copy !req
149. He's too tall for you.Copy !req
150. Is he?Copy !req
151. What about the club? You're
on the door, you can't leave that.Copy !req
152. I'd get another - we'll manage.Copy !req
153. What d'you say?Copy !req
154. Erm...Copy !req
155. Cheers, Max!
Hey, it's gonna be good, this.Copy !req
156. Here'll do.Copy !req
157. Is this it?Copy !req
158. Shithole. Just hang on, I'll get me stuff.Copy !req
159. Right, drive off.Copy !req
160. What?Copy !req
161. He's not coming. Drive off.Copy !req
162. Oh, no.Copy !req
163. I can't do that, Patrick. Not to a mate.Copy !req
164. He's not a mate, he's a lunatic.Copy !req
165. You only want him to come cos he
thinks the sun shines out your arse.Copy !req
166. I can remember when you thought that.Copy !req
167. When?Copy !req
168. When you had a bit of R-S-P-C-T,
that's when.Copy !req
169. It's hard to respect somebody
who can't flush a chemical toilet.Copy !req
170. I did flush it, OK?Copy !req
171. We must have a ghost that eats sweetcorn then.Copy !req
172. Hey, Shannon! I want a word with you.Copy !req
173. Playin' your music at all hours,
boom, boom, boom...Copy !req
174. The wife's just had her legs pinned.Copy !req
175. Where'd you think you're goin'?Copy !req
176. I hope you're not doing a bunk
without paying me two weeks' rent.Copy !req
177. I've got your money. It's right here.Copy !req
178. Hey, hey, hey, hey...Copy !req
179. (Max) He's here now.Copy !req
180. - Christ! How much stuff have you got?
- Shut it, you.Copy !req
181. Don't you love this, Max? Me and you.Copy !req
182. - I'm starving.
- Yeah, I could eat something.Copy !req
183. There'll be nothing open now.Copy !req
184. What's this?Copy !req
185. Let's get in here.Copy !req
186. See, it's shut.Copy !req
187. How'd you know?Copy !req
188. - She's putting chairs on tables.
- Yeah.Copy !req
189. Let me have a word with her, Max,Copy !req
190. see if she'll succumb to Billy's charm.Copy !req
191. Arsehole.Copy !req
192. Hey. There were no need for that,
were there?Copy !req
193. - Come here.Copy !req
194. - Come here.Copy !req
195. - You what?Copy !req
196. No, you're not.
Get that fuckin' cooker on.Copy !req
197. We're in here, Max!Copy !req
198. Hey, we're in here.
He's not lost the touch! Come on!Copy !req
199. - Everything all right?
- Yeah, sweet as a nut, Max.Copy !req
200. Just saying to Paddy, she's got
a heart of gold, cooking after hours.Copy !req
201. Brings a tear to your eye.Copy !req
202. She's here!Copy !req
203. I am ready for this. Ho-ho!Copy !req
204. Manna from heaven.Copy !req
205. Whoa! Steady, cockle, steady!Copy !req
206. All right, flower, take it easy.
There's no rush. Thank you.Copy !req
207. She's shaking like a shitting dog.Copy !req
208. I'm not surprised,
the hours they have 'em working.Copy !req
209. Slave labour, Patrick.
Bet she's knackered, the poor cow.Copy !req
210. Hey! I'd kill for some tomato sauce.Copy !req
211. Here we go - best drink of the day.Copy !req
212. - Whoa, whoa, whoa! I want it in the cup.
- Sorry, sorry!Copy !req
213. - Getting third-degree burns here.
- Put the pot down! It's all right, love.Copy !req
214. You go and get five minutes. I'll be mother.
You go and have five minutes.Copy !req
215. She's being treated like shit, this lady.Copy !req
216. And judging by her age,
the menopause won't be helping.Copy !req
217. Meno-what?Copy !req
218. The menopause.Copy !req
219. Never heard of it.Copy !req
220. The menopause? The change?Copy !req
221. Hot sweats? Vaginal dryness?Copy !req
222. There may be hot sweats when Paddy's in town,
but there's no dryness.Copy !req
223. Who's got this? You?Copy !req
224. How? How have I got vaginal dryness?Copy !req
225. Think about it, you clown.Copy !req
226. You're bloody good, Max - give that
Quincy a run for his money.Copy !req
227. I'll tell you something else I've noticed -Copy !req
228. she's on her own.
On her own at this time of night.Copy !req
229. - Place could get robbed.
- Oh, aye. Where is the manager?Copy !req
230. Few good 'uns on here -
Boxcar Willy, Johnny Cash.Copy !req
231. - Hey, TV Themes, now we're talking!
- Good at them, me. Knows 'em all.Copy !req
232. Not as many as Paddy,
I tell you that right now.Copy !req
233. - You wanna bet?
- Yeah, I do. We'll see.Copy !req
234. 'Scuse me, love, how much are these CDs?Copy !req
235. You're all right, just take it. Just take it.Copy !req
236. D'you hear that? Salt of the earth,
that woman, salt of the earth.Copy !req
237. Thank you!Copy !req
238. All right.Copy !req
239. What I've done is written it down
for you, Brenda, love -Copy !req
240. Citizens Advice Bureau,
ask to speak to your ombudsman.Copy !req
241. You can't go on working in these
conditions, it's slave labour, love.Copy !req
242. - Are you in a union?
- Max! Are you coming or what?Copy !req
243. One minute, Patrick.Copy !req
244. Go to your doctor, get yourself some good HRT,Copy !req
245. you want some homeophobic remedies.
Evening primrose, that's a good 'un.Copy !req
246. Gotta look after your body, Brenda.Copy !req
247. Don't go filling it full of shit,
take a leaf out of my book.Copy !req
248. I've written it down for you.Copy !req
249. Think on, Brenda. All right? Come on!Copy !req
250. That were a meal, weren't it?
We ate like kings.Copy !req
251. Tell me about it -
me pants are cutting into me here.Copy !req
252. Eh-up, what's goin' on?Copy !req
253. Something's kicking off.Copy !req
254. Friday night -
the weekend starts here, boys.Copy !req
255. Right, the three suspects held up
the roadside cafe at 01.15.Copy !req
256. It was a violent and unprovoked assault.Copy !req
257. Approach the suspects with extreme caution.Copy !req
258. They are armed and they are dangerous.Copy !req
259. Sons and daughter, love and laughterCopy !req
260. Tears and sadness and happiness...Copy !req
261. Sons And Daughters!Copy !req
262. - You're not having that, we've just sung it!
- I got it. Tell him, Max.Copy !req
263. Give him a point, Paddy.Copy !req
264. I'll allow it.Copy !req
265. As it is 12-2 to Paddy.
I thought you were good at these.Copy !req
266. The only two you've got are Porridge
and Bad Girls and I wonder why that is?Copy !req
267. Just shut up and play t'next one.Copy !req
268. Mrs Brenda Vickers was forced at gunpoint
to cook two Americano breakfastsCopy !req
269. and a Florida waffle surprise.Copy !req
270. We've had three positive IDs
from Mrs Vickers -Copy !req
271. a familiar face, Billy Shannon.Copy !req
272. Officers went to his flat this morningCopy !req
273. and found Shannon's landlord
and his wife wired up to the mains.Copy !req
274. I've got it! It's Play Your Cards Right!Copy !req
275. No, it's Bruce Forsyth's
Play Your Cards Right.Copy !req
276. - No way, you slag! I am having that!
- Hey!Copy !req
277. Get off!Copy !req
278. It's TV Themes! It's TV Themes!Copy !req
279. Calm down, the pair of you,
or I'll crack your heads together.Copy !req
280. Services - let's get in here, get a
drink, calm down for the love of God!Copy !req
281. Right, who's for a Ginsters?Copy !req
282. I'm all right, me. I'll stay here.Copy !req
283. I'm taking this. I don't want you cheating.Copy !req
284. And when I come back, I'm having that point.Copy !req
285. Yeah, whatever.Copy !req
286. What is goin' on?Copy !req
287. The man is a lunatic.Copy !req
288. Have you seen this?Copy !req
289. - That's Billy's head. Who's done that?
- Who'd you think?Copy !req
290. Have you seen this?Copy !req
291. - "Roadside cafe in armed terror". That's us!
- I know.Copy !req
292. Never mind any of that -Copy !req
293. have you seen this?Copy !req
294. Put the gun down, Billy.
You can have the extra point.Copy !req
295. It's not about points, Max.Copy !req
296. Have you been going through
my stuff, Paddy?Copy !req
297. No.Copy !req
298. You won't be doing it again.Copy !req
299. We're gonna teach you a lesson.Copy !req
300. Dave! Dave, is that you?Copy !req
301. Come here!Copy !req
302. Put the gun down, Billy, lad.Copy !req
303. He's crossed a line, Max.Copy !req
304. He's crossed a line? What about this?
You robbed the Little Chef.Copy !req
305. Jesus, Bill, why didn't you tell me?
I'd have warmed some soup up.Copy !req
306. Oh, shit!Copy !req
307. Paddy!Copy !req
308. Pad-dy!Copy !req
309. Oh, me pasty!Copy !req
310. He just gets jealous...Copy !req
311. - Chief! Shots have been fired at services.
- Whereabouts?Copy !req
312. - Scotch Corner.
- Sounds like them! Let's get down there, men.Copy !req
313. And Sandra.Copy !req
314. Paddy!Copy !req
315. Move out of the bloody way!Copy !req
316. Paddy!Copy !req
317. You've shot Paddy!Copy !req
318. It's better now - just us two.Copy !req
319. We can be together. But not in a gay way.Copy !req
320. He were right - you're not a friend,
you're a lunatic!Copy !req
321. Don't say that, Max.Copy !req
322. Hear that? That's the police!Copy !req
323. They're coming for you, son. Give me the gun.Copy !req
324. I can't do that, Max.Copy !req
325. Come on, Billy.Copy !req
326. Don't be a hero.Copy !req
327. If I can't have you, no-one can have you.Copy !req
328. I'll shoot us both.
We'll be together one way or another.Copy !req
329. But not in a gay way.Copy !req
330. Go on, then. Go on, then, do it!Copy !req
331. Do it! Now!Copy !req
332. 'Ave it!Copy !req
333. - Bloody hell, I thought you'd never hit him.
- Don't thank me, whatever you do(!)Copy !req
334. Are you all right?Copy !req
335. I will be when I get this bullet out me arse.Copy !req
336. Aiding and abetting a known felon on an armed
raid. But you say you know nothing about that?Copy !req
337. We had no idea - we just wanted
something to eat, didn't we?Copy !req
338. I've still to take into account
reckless driving and criminal damage.Copy !req
339. Then again, you did help us
apprehend Billy Shannon.Copy !req
340. You must have known what you were getting
mixed up in? You knew what Shannon was like.Copy !req
341. You've been involved with the police recently -
I hope you're not going to make a habit of it.Copy !req
342. '.. pulled up in a motorised home,
sawed down the speed cameraCopy !req
343. 'and threw it over the hedge.'Copy !req
344. 'If you were on that road,
you must have seen them.'Copy !req
345. 'Contact the Crimetime desk, those
calls are treated in confidence.'Copy !req
346. Quick, get your foot down.Copy !req
347. (Max) Where are we going?
Casualty.Copy !req
348. (Max) On a Friday night? We'll be waiting hours.Copy !req
349. Well, do you wanna do it?Copy !req
350. You might be me best friend, Paddy,Copy !req
351. but I'm not sucking a bullet out your arse.Copy !req
352. Don't know where they're goin'
Not exactly knowin'Copy !req
353. Driving down the road to nowhereCopy !req
354. Sponging for a living,
checking out the womenCopy !req
355. Riding on the road to nowhereCopy !req
356. And it's one for all and all for oneCopy !req
357. They live the dream and then move onCopy !req
358. Living on a wing and a prayerCopy !req
359. Max and Paddy on the road to nowhere.Copy !req
360. Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere,
sponsored by Chorley FM.Copy !req