Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere 1x4

Directed by Peter Kay

Everal Walsh as Raymond the Bastard • Lisa Hammond as Tina • Tony Mooney as The Wolfster • Peter Kay as Brian Potter • Enid Dunn as Joyce

Max and Paddy are in prison and, to make matters worse, they have an unwelcome visitor.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere, sponsored by Chorley FM.

2. OI! NO! GERROFF! >

3. BANGING & CRASHING

4. Right, 422, you're in 'ere.

5. Are we not in together, like?

6. It's not the Holiday Inn, son. Go on.

7. - I'll see you later. - Yeah.

8. 423, you're in 'ere.

9. I'm sure you two will get on.

10. Oh, hi there! I'm Cliff!

11. Of course you are.

12. Don't know where we're goin' Got no way of knowin'

13. Drivin' on the road to nowhere

14. Spongin' for a livin' Checkin' out the women

15. Ridin' on the road to nowhere

16. And we don't take shit from anyone

17. The only thing we wanna do is have some fun

18. We're Max and Paddy...

19. Paddy and Max!

20. .. And best of all We don't pay council tax

21. - All right, love? Good day? - Yeah.

22. - Have you seen tonight's paper? - Lad's not been yet.

23. Useless! It's s'posed to be an evenin' paper.

24. What's for tea?

25. I'll be in in a minute.

26. Daniel, come and move this bike!

27. The Millennium Prayer by Cliff Richard

28. Our Father

29. Who art in heaven

30. Hallow'd be thy name

31. Thy kingdom come

32. Thy will be done

33. On earth

34. As in heav'n...

35. Y'all right?

36. No. I can't stand another night with him.

37. Who?

38. Hi, guys! Fancy a game of tennis? Mixed doubles?

39. I've told yer, we've no balls, Cliff.

40. That's OK, you can play with mine. See you down there! Ciao, guys!

41. Bloody 'ell, what's he in for?

42. Have you never heard Wired For Sound?

43. No, you've gotta get me out of 'ere. I can't stand that Millennium Prayer.

44. It's all right, don't worry. I've already made a start. Check the door.

45. I did this last night while everyone was asleep.

46. What is it?

47. It's a tunnel.

48. Whoa, get a grip! You're comin' apart!

49. Where you tunnelling to? T'next cell?

50. Oh, shit.

51. Look, that were a backup plan. I'll contact Tina - she knows we're innocent.

52. She knows the truth.

53. Be quick. It's all right for you. A good-lookin' lad like me's a valuable commodity in 'ere.

54. I've seen a payphone... What d'you mean it's all right for me?

55. When Paddy's in them showers, those lads'll think it's Christmas.

56. They'll ride me like a Blackpool donkey.

57. We've gotta let that lot think that me and you are hard nuts.

58. Let 'em think we're big-time gangsters. Come on, chest out, chin up.

59. We're doin' a bit of bird, as per. Tango and Cash, Bodie and Doyle,

60. Magnet and Steel. Eh? Whaddya say?

61. I'm gonna get bummed.

62. I'm Chalky. First time inside?

63. I've done more bird than Bill Oddie. We run the show up north, control clubland.

64. You never heard of the Phoenix Twins?

65. Twins? How long was the labour?

66. I'll never forget what happened to the last fella who said that.

67. What?

68. I ate him.

69. What are you in for?

70. We just pulled off a big job - gold, diamonds, you name it.

71. Kids.

72. What?

73. I 'eard you stole a school bus full of kids.

74. That's correct. We did.

75. It wasn't the kids we were after though.

76. The loot was hidden in the boot.

77. The police wouldn't shoot at a bus full of kids. Always thinkin'.

78. What happened to the loot?

79. Nosy, in't he? Nosy parker.

80. It's safe.

81. As 'ouses.

82. 'Ey, Wal, watch yourself.

83. All right, Wally?

84. Y'know what today is, don't yer? Collection Day!

85. I have tried...

86. Well, you'll have to try harder. You don't wanna let Raymond down.

87. You've got until the end of the day.

88. Ooh, sponge cake! My favourite!

89. Me daughter made that!

90. Did she? It's very nice.

91. Put the cake down, flower, and piss off.

92. Hold on.

93. I don't...

94. You play with feathers, you get your arse tickled.

95. OI! What's goin' on down there?

96. Er, nothin', Mr Jackson. Everything's fine.

97. BELL

98. Big mistake. That's Pepe, Raymond the Bastard's girlfriend.

99. Raymond the Bastard? What does he do?

100. Apart from being a bastard, he runs this wing. You shouldn't upset him.

101. Hello?

102. Tina, it's Max. Me and Paddy are in prison.

103. I know.

104. Well?

105. What?

106. Get us out!

107. Me?

108. You've gotta go to the police and tell them I'm Daniel's dad, then they'll know why I did it.

109. No, it's not as easy as that, Max.

110. I begged you to stay away. You're not dragging me and my family down.

111. 'I don't think you understand the...'

112. Tina?

113. Have you phoned Tina?

114. She wasn't in. I'll try again later.

115. Shower time. I'm dreadin' this.

116. Nice and steady. Come on.

117. Mornin'.

118. Oh, it's crap, this soap. Is there no shower gel?

119. It's not the David Lloyd.

120. Oh, dear.

121. You better bend over and pick that up.

122. I've got you.

123. Lovely.

124. Heh heh. I think shower time's over.

125. Fair enough.

126. Not you two, though.

127. I'm Raymond.

128. The Bastard.

129. News travels fast.

130. Look, we don't want any trouble.

131. Should've thought of that before you wrap a tray around Pepe's face.

132. It was 'im.

133. Was it?

134. Stunnin'!

135. Like a young Burt Reynolds.

136. Look, what d'you want?

137. Well...

138. WATER RUNNING

139. I might have a proposition for you.

140. There are two ways to live in prison - the easy way or the hard way.

141. And?

142. A little blackbird told me

143. that you pulled off a job before you come in here. Quite a big job.

144. And that money's hidden somewhere.

145. What if we did?

146. I want fifty per cent.

147. Fifty per cent?

148. Seventy-thirty. To us.

149. Sixty-forty to Raymond.

150. You've got yourself a deal, Mr Bastard.

151. Lovely! It's a pleasure doin' business with you boys.

152. Stroke of genius, Max. I can get used to this easy life.

153. Oh, it's beltin'.

154. We're better off in 'ere - duvets, Sky+, Terry's All Gold.

155. Is he? Chuck us t'map.

156. They do caramel barrels, Terry's?

157. I've been thinkin', though - what do we do on collection day?

158. Don't worry, we'll be out of 'ere by then, son. Tina won't let us down.

159. No, she's a good 'un. Stick UK Gold on - Juliet Bravo's on at half past.

160. PHONE; TV ON

161. Who's this ringing at this time?

162. It'll be your mam, won't it?

163. This'll be an hour. I'll pause it.

164. Hello?

165. Tina? It's Max. Have you gone to the police yet?

166. Oh, hiya, Jean!

167. Jean?

168. What did the specialist say?

169. Specialist? I think we've got a crossed line here, buddy.

170. Look, I can't talk!

171. I see. Have you gone to the police?

172. No, and I'm not going to, so stop ringing me!

173. Tina, you've got to go! I've not had a poo for five days!

174. Hello? Tina?

175. - I'm frigged. - Y'what?

176. You'd think you'd get an easy job with t'easy life.

177. Raymond said there'll be vacancies in t'kitchen soon.

178. He's got to arrange for two lads to get locked in t'deep freeze.

179. We'll be in there next, once he finds out we've been bullshitting him.

180. - Have you spoke to Tina? - Don't worry, I've got it all under control.

181. - Hey, you two. - What?

182. - You've got a visitor. - I said she wouldn't let us down.

183. Gonna be Tina, this.

184. Don't worry, boys. Don't worry, boys, I'm 'ere! I'm comin'!

185. Oh, shit, it's Potter. That's all we need.

186. Christ, the Two Tops! Are they doin' a minstrel show? Black as arseholes!

187. I don't like this, son. I'm just a head. This a pisstake?

188. I'm like a Chad - "What, no disabled facilities?"

189. I can't hear ya. What's the crack here, sunshine?

190. Talk into the phone.

191. I've no change. They're not the Krays.

192. I can't reach. Haven't you noticed? I'm disabled. I can't get that.

193. Thank you... Himmler.

194. How are ya?

195. What you doin' here?

196. I've come t'get you out! Look!

197. What's that?

198. A petition. I'm going to have you out for Christmas.

199. It's August.

200. Sweet Jesus and Mary Chain, I'm not Perry pissin' Mason.

201. I'm doin' me best!

202. 'Ere. I've got a cake 'ere for ya. Holy Mary's made this.

203. A cake?

204. Yeah. Y'know, a cake.

205. I know what a cake is. Why a cake?

206. No, he means a cake. I know what you mean - you mean a cake, don't ya?

207. Yeah, that's right, a cake.

208. Oh, a cake! You mean a cake!

209. And what's in this cake?

210. Sponge, and a bit of jam! It's not the friggin' Shawshank Redemption.

211. If you hadn't stolen a bus full of kiddies you wouldn't be 'ere.

212. It's not even our cake!

213. I'm rollin' round like a blue-arsed fly gettin' T-shirts printed,

214. and this is the thanks I get!

215. T-shirts?

216. "Free the Phoenix Two." It worked for Deirdre Rachid!

217. Oh, my God!

218. I've raised nearly three grand in bail money.

219. There's no bail!

220. Is there not? Oh, well, I'll, er...

221. I'll put it towards a website, then.

222. Website?

223. It's big business, is amnesty, like.

224. For the Phoenix, y'selfish old goat.

225. I weren't selfish at half four this mornin', freezin' me tits off!

226. Get sent down nearer home next time - it took me six hours to get 'ere.

227. Unbelievable!

228. We appreciate all you're doing, but we're doin' all right on our own!

229. "All right"? You're in prison!

230. We're sortin' things out ourselves,

231. and you doin' all this might jeopardise our chances of freedom.

232. Y'know what I'm sayin'? Just keep a low profile. Don't do nothin'. Promise?

233. OK. If that's what you want...

234. Yeah.

235. D'you swear?

236. Like a nun with Tourette's.

237. (Max) I strapped the Semtex to the chair and threw it down the lift shaft.

238. And I said "Go ahead, punk, make my day."

239. Kiss, kiss, bang, bang!

240. Did they catch you?

241. Balls! We got the gold out in Mini Coopers. They're small and fast.

242. Back across the Alps. Easy peasy...

243. .. Saint 'n' Greavsie.

244. - You've pulled some jobs, you two! - And the rest!

245. Hey, lads, you're on the telly! >

246. 'The two look likely to face a long-term sentence.'

247. Friends and colleagues have arranged a benefit to prove their innocence.

248. It's been hard fittin' it in - we're chocker with bingo and speed dating.

249. But I thought "No, no, no, let's free our two doormen."

250. 'And is local chart topper, Marc Park, involved in the benefit?'

251. Yeah. We've done a single for Doormen In Need.

252. It's on the website and available as a ringtone.

253. Whatever they said, whatever they did They didn't mean it

254. We just want them back for good

255. Want them back, want them back Want them back for good

256. Yo, yo, free the Phoenix Two, y'all

257. BAD BEATBOX

258. They're lovely lads. They'd do anything for anybody.

259. They even did my big shop for me when I had me tubes rinsed out.

260. They served under me as altar boys.

261. They were both there the day I witnessed a miracle.

262. Miracle?

263. I'd cut into a Deep Pan stuffed crust and I saw Our Lord's face.

264. In a pepperoni.

265. Whether tonight's benefit helps to free the doormen remains to be seen.

266. This is Alison Graham at the Phoenix Club in Bolton.

267. Junction 5, M61. Just past Balti Towers.

268. Doormen?

269. You're a couple of doormen?

270. What about the gold and the Mini Coopers?

271. 'Cking Potter, eh? He can't keep his big mouth shut. I'm gonna kill him!

272. Not if I get to him first.

273. Raymond the Bastard's gonna be coming for us now.

274. Exactly - us. It should be you.

275. Me?

276. You said "Let's be hard," making deals with money we've not even got all for t'easy life.

277. I didn't hear you moaning when you were watching Sky porn!

278. You were asleep. We wouldn't even be here if you hadn't tried seeing your son.

279. So all this is my fault?

280. In a word, yes.

281. Right, OK, you go. I can handle meself. Thanks a bundle(!)

282. - Against a prison? - Yeah.

283. Wired For Sound by Cliff Richard

284. I like small speakers

285. I like tall speakers

286. If they've music

287. They're wired for sound

288. Walkin' about with a head full of music

289. Cassette in my pocket and I'm gonna use it

290. Stereo

291. Out on the streets, y'know

292. Oh-whoa-whoa-oa-oa whoa-whoa-whoa

293. Into the car, go to work and I'm cruisin'...

294. 'Ere we go.

295. .. that I'll blow all my fuses

296. Traffic flows

297. Into the breakfast show

298. Oh-whoa-whoa-oa-oa whoa-whoa-whoa

299. Mixed doubles, guys?

300. Oh, oh, whoa...

301. WHISTLE

302. Power from the needle to the plastic...

303. Patrick O'Shea!

304. Maxwell Bygraves.

305. Come with me.

306. Bygraves?

307. By... graves?

308. Me mum were a big fan, all right?

309. I like tall speakers...

310. In light of new evidence, it is the decision of this court

311. that Mr Bygraves's actions were carried out under emotional distress,

312. and we therefore have no choice but to terminate any custodial sentence.

313. - That'll ding-dang-do for us! - Yeah.

314. I said Tina wouldn't let us down. But I'm not happy with community service.

315. - Oh, yes! Justice has been done! - Yeah, justice. Too little, too late.

316. The Bolton Two! Persecuted, we've been!

317. Five days I've had in there. Have you seen Midnight Express?

318. Nightmare! Sharing a cell with a head-the-ball, thought he were Cliff Richard...

319. Hello.

320. My dad told me to give you this.

321. He said he's made a copy.

322. - And what's your name? - Daniel.

323. Is it? I've got a little lad called Daniel. He's about your age.

324. I'm starting big school this year.

325. Are you? Hoo-hoo! You'll be courting soon!

326. - Courting? - Y'know, gettin' a girlfriend.

327. Girls? Urgh, no!

328. You will. You'll find a girl and settle down.

329. If you want, you'll get married. Look at me - I'm old but I'm happy.

330. Just you take your time. Think a lot. Think of everything you've got.

331. As you'll still be here tomorrow. But your dreams may not.

332. That's Boyzone.

333. It's what?

334. - That's Boyzone. - Is it?

335. I'm going now.

336. OK. Well, look after yourself and be a good lad for your mum and dad.

337. See ya.

338. See ya, son.

339. Ah, well, c'est la vie.

340. La vie.

341. What are we gonna do now?

342. Potter.

343. Is that the Home Office?

344. Could you put me through to the Biological Weapons Department?

345. - This is like being in ET. - Oh, dear.

346. HELICOPTERS

347. What are you going to do to us?

348. Against the wall! Against the wall! Come on, Tubby, spread 'em.

349. Anthrax? It's a 60th birthday party!

350. Oh, no! I'll have your badge for this!

351. Oh, God, no! I don't know if you've noticed I'm disabled(!)

352. Oh, God! Sweet Jesus of Nazareth!

353. Oh, God, no! >

354. My name is Brian Chelsea Potter!

355. And I am not the Taliban!

356. Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere, sponsored by Chorley FM.