Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere 1x3

Directed by Peter Kay

Lisa Hammond as Tina • Tony Mooney as The Wolfster

Max bumps into one of his old school friends, only to find out a dark secret that turns his life upside-down.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere, sponsored by Chorley FM.

2. Oh...

3. FARTS Oh...

4. CREAKING

5. GUSHING PISS

6. D'you mind? Some of us are trying to get a bit of kip in here!

7. Oh, get to fuck.

8. GUSHING PISS

9. CREAKING

10. SLOSHING

11. BIRDSONG

12. SPLASH

13. BELL CHIMES

14. MUTTERING ON POLICE RADIO

15. SPITS

16. Don't know where we're going got no way of knowing

17. Driving on the road to nowhere

18. Sponging for a living

19. Checking out the women

20. Riding on the road to nowhere

21. And we don't take shit from anyone

22. The only thing we wanna do is have some fun

23. We're Max and Paddy

24. Paddy and Max!

25. .. And best of all we don't pay council tax.

26. (Max) It comes to something when you can't park up where you like.

27. Thatcher's Britain. That bobby had an attitude problem.

28. (Paddy) It didn't help you throwing urine over him.

29. Throwing me what?

30. Your piss!

31. Yeah, well, accidents happen.

32. Know what I mean?

33. Bloody hell!

34. It's the Wolfster.

35. You what?

36. In the paper, he were a mate, went to school with him. It's his 40th.

37. He looks a bit young.

38. That's when he were a kid, you melon!

39. That's the Wolfster. He moved down here years ago.

40. Friday 27th. That's tonight. I'm having a bit of that. Fancy it?

41. Nah.

42. There were some fit girls in our year.

43. Well, s'pose an hour's not gonna kill us.

44. CHEESY SYNTH VERSION OF "Tainted Love"

45. Sometimes I feel I've got to

46. Run away, I've got to

47. Get away...

48. Thought you said there were some fit birds in your year?

49. There were.

50. What year were it? Never mind,

51. every hole's a goal.

52. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up, let's see the birthday boy first.

53. Where's the Wolfster?

54. Once I ran from you...

55. I'm the dandy highwayman you're too scared to mention.

56. I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention.

57. The devil take your stereo and your record collection.

58. The way you look, you'll qualify for next year's old age pension!

59. Stand and deliver!

60. Stand and deliver!

61. How are you?

62. It's the Maxster!

63. That's right. Yeah.

64. What are you doing here?

65. Your big 4-0. I wouldn't miss that.

66. You're naughty 40. Get it while you can.

67. Chance'd be a fine thing.

68. You only get a bucket and a half. Think on. This is a mate from home.

69. This is Paddy. Top of t'brow.

70. You all right?

71. Never! It's not Patrick O'Shea?

72. Yeah, it is. D'you know him?

73. Know him? Everyone knew Spazzy Paddy!

74. Where's your callipers and brace?

75. Long time ago, that.

76. He was worth more as scrap, that lad.

77. You don't remember me, do you?

78. Me sister baby-sat him. Right dirty sod.

79. One night, he stuck Okay Wan Kenobi up his arsehole!

80. Obi Wan Kenobi.

81. He was always at it. Boochakka, C3-D2.

82. P-O.

83. Star Trek mad he was. Weren't you? >

84. Star Wars, Wolfster.

85. Like I say, long time ago, Wolfie.

86. Wolfster!

87. Happy birthday.

88. You shouldn't have bothered.

89. Just a little something.

90. I'll have to put my readers on.

91. Can't see a thing without the gaffers.

92. Tonight, Matthew, I'm gonna be... I'd have got it enlarged if I'd known.

93. I'm gonna get 'em lasered next week. Big birthday treat.

94. Oh, my Lord!

95. This is going back some years!

96. All the gang, poolside, summer, Lloret de Mar. Remember?

97. Bloody hell! Is that you?

98. - That's me! - How tight are them trunks?

99. Sod off! Look at the state of your moon boots.

100. - Like these? - He's got 'em on. He's crackers.

101. Eh, Zahid!

102. Zahid Patel. Whatever happened to him?

103. He's here.

104. Patelster, oi!

105. Patelster, how are you, you old dog?

106. Whole crew are here. Bobster, Munster, Fosterster.

107. All right, lads. How are you?

108. Hey! Look who it is! Hey!

109. Ha-ha-hey! Where did you get in touch with them all?

110. Wife did. Friends Reunited. Big surprise.

111. Can't believe this. Where did you get it?

112. Oh, I've had it for years.

113. Is this your only copy?

114. Yeah. It's your birthday. All the best.

115. I'll get another copy done at work.

116. Kev, you got a minute? >

117. Yep. Eh, look, thanks for coming.

118. Yeah. See you later.

119. Paddy?

120. Spazzy Paddy. You kept that quiet, didn't you?

121. People of the world, join hands

122. Start a love train...

123. You mate's enjoying himself.

124. He's like a kid in a sweet shop.

125. He loves it. >

126. So I filed for bankruptcy, lost the lot!

127. (Max) You married?

128. Twice. I got two by the first, one by the last and she weren't planned.

129. We dropped a bollock with young J-Lo.

130. So she makes me have the snip, then leaves me.

131. Still, I'll have the last laugh - I'm selling her knickers on eBay!

132. You got any bin lids?

133. You what?

134. Bin lids - kids. You got any?

135. Oh, no. Not me.

136. You know the Maxster: love 'em and leave 'em, me.

137. - Where are you living now? - Anywhere I like. Got a motor home.

138. You're joking. Really?

139. We were gonna get one of these before we had J-Lo.

140. That's the life.

141. It's fantastic, we live the dream. We do what we want, when we want.

142. We?

143. Me and the lad. We're easy riders.

144. Ooh, are you now(?)

145. We wake up in the countryside one day

146. and watch the sun set over the ocean the next.

147. Where are you tonight?

148. Car park.

149. Car park?

150. Convenience. While you're pissing about with taxis,

151. me and the lad'll be tucked up in bed. Kings of the road.

152. Don't you mean queens?

153. How dare you! Let's get a couple of things straight and I mean straight.

154. I don't drink out of both taps and that lad definitely does not.

155. Join hands

156. Start a love train...

157. And now you've told me that you want to leave me

158. 'Ey up, I see t'cabaret's arrived.

159. Baby, now that I've found you...

160. Oh, my God! >

161. < What's up?

162. It's Tina. What's she doing here?

163. Who's Tina?

164. Me ex, Tina. The one I told you about.

165. Oh, that Tina.

166. Is a small world, in't it?

167. Well, what d'you reckon?

168. Needs more salt.

169. Not the food, you tool. Tina.

170. I don't know, go and talk to her.

171. What just... just like that?

172. It's been ten years.

173. What? Since you spoke to a woman?

174. FEEDBACK FROM MIC

175. I'd just like to say a few words.

176. So far, it's been a cracking night, I'd like to thank you for the gifts.

177. < No doubt, I'll be drinking them later.

178. Hello, Tina.

179. < I'd like to thank the club...

180. Max!

181. What are you doing here?

182. It's t'Wolfster's birthday.

183. < I wanna see you all dancing later...

184. You all right?

185. I'm good.

186. < And finally, there's one small...

187. Can I get you a drink?

188. No, I'm all right.

189. Max, there's summat I've got to tell you.

190. Wanna go somewhere else?

191. I can't.

192. Tina, my wife, everybody. What a star!

193. Hooray, Tina!

194. Don't wish it away Don't look at it like this for ever

195. Between you and me

196. I could honestly say

197. That things can only get better

198. Without me, girl

199. Cry in the night if it helps

200. But more than ever

201. I simply love you

202. More than I love life itself

203. And I guess that's why they call it the blues

204. Time on my hands could be time spent with you

205. Laughing like children Living like lovers

206. Rollin' like thunder

207. Under the covers

208. And I guess that's why they call it the blues

209. And I guess that's why they call it the blues

210. Time on my hands could be time spent with you

211. And I guess that's why they call it the blu-u-u-ues

212. APPLAUSE, CHEERING

213. I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues - and I'd know.

214. Havin' your heart ripped out...

215. Yeah, whatever. You wanna know about pain?

216. The First Cut Is The Deepest, lads. Key of C!

217. BAND PLAYS INTRO

218. (GRUFFLY) The first cut is the deepest

219. BABY, I KNOW!

220. The first cut is the deepest...

221. So that's why you left me, is it, for 'im?

222. Who?

223. You know who - t'Wolfster. Some friend he turned out to be.

224. What you on about? He had nothin' to do with us splittin' up.

225. Bollocks. Why's he here then?

226. Cos it's his birthday.

227. How convenient!

228. Look, what do you want, Max?

229. I want answers. Why did you go off, leave me without sayin' nothin'?

230. Have you forgotten about the night outside the club? What you said?

231. You shouldn't have been listening.

232. Well, I heard it all, you and your mates slaggin' me off.

233. We were only havin' a laugh. It were just a few jokes.

234. And I was the punchline.

235. Everybody has a laugh at my expense. I'd had enough.

236. So that's why you left?

237. Don't you think that's a bit of an overreaction to a few jokes?

238. It wasn't just a few jokes, it was far more than that.

239. I'll tell you what I think, right.

240. I think you are using that as an excuse.

241. There's no way you could have loved me like I loved you.

242. Not go off, saying nothing.

243. Love you? I trusted you.

244. Yeah, right.

245. I worshipped you. I even had your baby, that's how much I loved you.

246. You had a baby?

247. When?

248. It doesn't matter.

249. You had a baby... We had a baby?

250. Oh, Max, you shouldn't have come here.

251. Are you tellin' me I'm a dad?

252. I never wanted you to find out.

253. Oh, I can see that.

254. I mean like this.

255. I was gonna tell you, but I was so angry with you

256. that the longer I left it, the harder it got.

257. Is he a girl or a boy?

258. He's a boy.

259. And how tall is he? I mean, how old is he?

260. He's ten.

261. He's ten?

262. < Christ, they shoot up, don't they?

263. Are you OK?

264. I should be handin' out cigars. I'm a dad!

265. Who's gonna teach him to take care of himself?

266. I wanna see him.

267. Please, Max, you can't..

268. Oh, I can. And I am. I'm his dad. I've got rights.

269. You don't know the damage you'd cause.

270. It'd destroy him. Kev has no idea that you're the father.

271. He's brought him up as his own.

272. So what am I supposed to do? Just pretend he doesn't exist?

273. If you've any love left for me, yes.

274. What's his name?

275. Daniel.

276. Look, I've gotta get back.

277. I'm sorry, Max.

278. (SLURRED) Are you watching? Are you watching, missus?

279. This is what they did to me!

280. To me!

281. I'm half a man.

282. Are you listenin'? >

283. What a night. The very bloody best.

284. Great seein' you lads again. Thanks for comin'.

285. And cheers for this. Look at us, a bunch of shitty-arsed kids.

286. If we knew then what we know now.

287. You got any kids?

288. Yeah. Daniel.

289. Captain of the under-11s. He's a smasher.

290. - You coming, Kev? - Here she is. The little woman.

291. D'you remember Max from school?

292. Hiya, Max.

293. The taxi's waiting.

294. Better go.

295. Listen...

296. Give us a ring. We'll go out for a drink. The Maxster!

297. Say ta-ra to Spazzy Paddy for me.

298. Please, Max, stay away.

299. It's not time to make a change

300. J ust relax, take it easy You're still young

301. That's your fault There's so much you have to know

302. Find a girl, settle down

303. If you want, you can marry

304. Look at me, I am old

305. But I'm happy

306. Take your time, think a lot

307. Think of everything you've got

308. For you will still be here tomorrow

309. But your dreams may not

310. How can I try to explain?

311. When I do he turns away again

312. It's always been the same

313. Same old story

314. From the moment I could talk

315. I was ordered to listen

316. Now there's a way And I know that I have to go away

317. I know I have to go...

318. REPEATS TRACK

319. How many times are you gonna play that song?

320. Where are we, anyhow?

321. School.

322. I can see that. Why?

323. Oh, no! You're not still babblin' on about that, are you?

324. Babblin'? Babblin'?

325. I've got a son.

326. I know, you said. You had me up half the night, tellin' me.

327. Are you sure he's yours?

328. Oh, I'm sure, don't you worry.

329. It's just that, you know, I just thought... you know.

330. Thought what?

331. Aren't you supposed to have sex with someone first?

332. The thinnest of thin ice.

333. "Father And Son" PLAYS QUIETLY

334. Look at 'em, playin'.

335. He could be one of 'em right there, now. >

336. I don't see any bald kids wi' beards.

337. - They'll be comin' out soon. - And?

338. I wanna see him.

339. Look, Max, Tina's got a point. You're better off stayin' away.

340. How would you like it if you had a son that you'd never seen?

341. I might have. You know my lifestyle.

342. There could be a squadron of little Paddys running round as we speak.

343. Have you got a plan?

344. I have now. Quick, get some clothes on. Hurry up!

345. Whoa, mate! You've got a leak at the back.

346. Jokin', aren't you?

347. No, come on.

348. Just round 'ere, bud.

349. Come on! Go!

350. Hey! Oi! Help me, somebody, they're nickin' me bus!

351. Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream

352. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream

353. Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream

354. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream

355. Now then, children, we're gonna play a game called Who's Your Dad

356. And What's His Name?

357. DO THAT AGAIN, I'LL RIP YER BLEEDIN' ARMS OUT!

358. 'Ere, I'll do it.

359. Yo, this is the Maxster MC.

360. Listen up, posse, can I get are-ewind?

361. I'm gettin' down with the kids.

362. Do we have a Daniel Wolfson on board, aka The Wolfster?

363. No, he's not here.

364. You what?

365. He catches the other bus.

366. You what?

367. There's another bus? Oh, you mofo! That's proper whack, that!

368. Patrick... Patrick!

369. 'Get off the bus with your hands in the air.'

370. MOUTHS

371. I can't believe you got the wrong bus.

372. You said he were on it.

373. How was I to know there were two buses?

374. Did you not recognise him?

375. I never pissin' met the lad.

376. Only seen t'back of his 'ead this morning, first time.

377. This is it now, you know, they'll throw away the key.

378. No, this is just a case of mistaken identity.

379. Forty kids on a coach?

380. What did we mistake 'em for? A stag do?

381. Right, follow me, boys.

382. Given the seriousness of this crime, and its calculated nature,

383. any request for bail is denied

384. and the accused will be remanded in custody until the trial date's set.

385. Take them down.

386. Custody? What does he mean, custody?

387. Prison.

388. Prison?

389. < Pound coin holder - empty.

390. An Afro comb.

391. You never know... You never know.

392. One set of car keys attached to one key ring -

393. "I've stroked a beaver at Drayton Manor".

394. Have you now?

395. Sign here.

396. What do I do now?

397. Through there.

398. - Name? - Patrick O'Shea.

399. Empty your pockets out.

400. One pornographic magazine - The Finger Club.

401. One packet of condoms.

402. "Ribbed for the lady's pleasure.

403. "Flavour - biscuit."

404. Whoa, whoa! What's the crack here?

405. I'm just about to find that out.

406. Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere, sponsored by Chorley FM.