M*A*S*H 1x9

1. - Clamp. - Clamp.

2. Hawkeye, shut up, will you?

3. Yeah, shut up.

4. Thank you, music lovers.

5. - Rib-cutter. - Rib-cutter.

6. How's it going?

7. We're ahead on points.

8. Spinal suture.

9. Suture.

10. The Lord helps in one way or another.

11. That's catgut.

12. The wound was infected.

13. I assumed you didn't want silk.

14. Lieutenant, you're not here to assume.

15. Settle down, Frank.

16. Forget it. Carry on.

17. Yes, sir. I'm... I'm working.

18. Working?

19. You could be arrested

20. for loitering in front of an operating table.

21. Did you hear that, Colonel?

22. Pipe down, Pierce.

23. Hello, you beautiful day.

24. Whoo! Hoo hoo!

25. Sometimes you gotta throw back some of the young ones.

26. Man, I— Uh, how about a rub there?

27. Right there.

28. You boys look a little tired.

29. Here's our gallant leader.

30. Henry was terrific in there.

31. Wasn't he good in there today?

32. - Great, great. - Well, I must tell you guys

33. that was fancy cutting in there.

34. Thank you, Henry.

35. Colonel!

36. - Yes, Frank? - Colonel, I intend to file

37. insubordination charges against Lieutenant Ginger Bayliss.

38. Insubordination on account of a suture?

39. You're kidding, Doctor.

40. And I use the term because it always gets a laugh.

41. - Sir? - Not now, Radar.

42. You just keep pushing around the medical staff, Frank,

43. you see what happens.

44. Are you threatening a superior, officer?

45. Now hold it! Frank, I'll be in my office in an hour.

46. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

47. - Radar: Uh, sir? - I'll talk Frank out of it,

48. but you lay off him, all of you.

49. He's a good surgeon, and we need him.

50. - Colonel, sir— - You know, Pierce,

51. one day he's gonna throw the book at you,

52. and I won't be there to help.

53. Sir, I have a message from General Hammond.

54. Radar, don't interrupt,

55. unless it's a message from General Hammond.

56. Yes, sir.

57. Are we surrendering?

58. Hey, listen to this.

59. "The 4077th has now achieved a 90% efficiency rating,

60. "the best record of any medical unit operating in Korea.

61. Congratulations on a fine performance. General Hammond."

62. How do you like them apples?

63. You have another hit on your hands.

64. There'll be dancing in the street.

65. A record unmatched

66. by any other medical unit in Korea.

67. And, in recognition of this splendid achievement,

68. it is now my personal pride

69. to award to Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake

70. the Special Citation of Merit, 4th Class.

71. May I have the envelope, please?

72. Hey, look at Henry. He looks like he's gonna have a baby.

73. Thank you, General. Thank you.

74. Uh, well, this comes as a complete surprise to me.

75. I don't know what to say.

76. I haven't prepared an acceptance speech.

77. No man wins an award like this on his own.

78. You people, you great doctors, and...

79. you swell gals who made this possible

80. are just too numerous to mention,

81. but I'm mighty grateful to all of you,

82. right down to my right hand, Corporal Radar O'Reilly,

83. who incidentally is in command of this unit

84. and just uses me as a front.

85. Standing here today, proud as punch,

86. I... I think back to the time

87. when I first considered a career in medicine,

88. back in Bloomington, Illinois.

89. Our family doctor, a nice old codger

90. who drove a touring car that had isinglass curtains,

91. uh, he said to me—

92. Excuse me, Colonel.

93. "Excuse me, Colonel."

94. - I have one more announcement. - I'm sorry.

95. There's a service charge on the award.

96. Colonel Blake's experience is needed elsewhere

97. for administrative and training duties.

98. Now, he is being assigned to Tokyo medical headquarters,

99. effective immediately.

100. Well, fine. And I'll, uh, keep in touch with you on that.

101. And I know you have to go right over to OR.

102. - Yeah. Goodbye. - Guys.

103. - Henry, bon voyage. - Thank you.

104. Normally, I'd soak this in a pail of water.

105. but, this being my last day...

106. Actually, it's a prescription for your health.

107. Have it filled in Tokyo.

108. Yeah, I'll do that.

109. We're going to miss you, chief.

110. Your fighting spirit, your little moods.

111. - Your cheerful smile. - Your loyalty.

112. - Oh, fiddle-faddle. - Your gift for language.

113. Yeah, well, uh...

114. ahem, the, uh...

115. truth of the matter is that, uh,

116. I'll miss you delinquents too.

117. Uh, you're the two finest cutters

118. I've ever been associated with.

119. Well, uh, Henry, I guess this is it.

120. Yeah.

121. I don't know what to say.

122. Try "Thanks for the memory."

123. Yeah.

124. Colonel, I—

125. Oh, allow me, Major.

126. Don't want to hurt those magic fingers.

127. What's this? Army Manual,

128. Thoughts Before the Battle,

129. 1001 Jokes for the Officers' Mess.

130. He's got everything here but Clausewitz on Hernias.

131. - Give me back my books. - Sorry.

132. Your books? Hey, where's he goin'?

133. He's taking his things into your house.

134. Well, uh, that's Frank's quarters now.

135. - Frank's quarter— Him? - He's our new boss?

136. Well, he's next in command, you see.

137. Almost forgot your equipment, sir.

138. Oh, thank you, Radar.

139. - Is that it? - Yes, sir.

140. Thank you. Well, I'll be movin' along, then.

141. Look, now, I know you guys are gonna be very happy.

142. Now, look, you're all surgeons,

143. and this is gonna work out fine.

144. Why don't you just go over and make Frank feel at home?

145. Sir, it's been a privilege serving under you.

146. I hope we see each other real soon.

147. Yes, Radar. Well, I... I was, uh...

148. Uh... (muttering)

149. Crazy monkey.

150. Move out, son.

151. - Let's get outta here. - Ahem!

152. Oh, sir, here's the three copies

153. of the mess requisition forms that you wanted for next week

154. and also six copies

155. of the supply room application forms.

156. - Put them on the desk, Corporal. - Yes, sir.

157. - Good night, sir. - O'Reilly.

158. Where are you going? We have work to do.

159. Sir, it's 2:00 in the morning.

160. You're not going to bed

161. until this office is 100% shipshape.

162. Aye aye, sir.

163. O'Reilly, I assure you, all the goldbricking

164. that went on around here under Colonel Blake

165. is going to stop under my command.

166. Life is going to be a different kettle of fish.

167. Are you in the right branch of the service, sir?

168. Don't be snotty. Bring me the, uh—

169. - Fitness reports. - Not the fitness reports.

170. You can't anticipate what I'm thinking.

171. I'm not Henry Blake.

172. - Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. - I want—

173. - The efficiency reports. - ... the efficiency reports.

174. Here's tomorrow's routine. See that it's posted.

175. They're not gonna like this.

176. I didn't come here to be liked.

177. You certainly came to the right place.

178. Ahem.

179. I could swear I heard a bugle.

180. It is a bugle.

181. Hey. I think we're in the army.

182. Ahem. Reveille has blown, sirs!

183. All right. Let's look ali—

184. ho. Everybody!

185. Hey ho, ha ho, ha ho, all together.

186. Hawkeye. Hawkeye, it's an emergency.

187. Major Burns is making a surprise inspection.

188. - An inspection? - Yeah.

189. - What's "inspection"? - That, gentlemen,

190. is somethin' they do in the army.

191. - What's that got to do with us? - Yeah.

192. He's coming, with an aide and an MP.

193. We're ready.

194. If he wants to inspect a garbage dump,

195. - that's up to him. - Yeah.

196. Ten hut!

197. Morning, gentlemen. At ease.

198. The condition of this tent is a disgrace.

199. Yeah, well, it does have that lived-in look.

200. - Mm-hmm. - Actually, it's modeled

201. on the Chicago sewer system. We saw it in a magazine.

202. Look at all of you. Unshaven, out of uniform.

203. Yes, but with a song in our hearts.

204. Sergeant, put these men on report.

205. Beds unmade, personal effects in disorder,

206. furnishings in non-regulation condition.

207. Hear, hear!

208. While I'm commanding officer,

209. you are not going to operate a distillery on this base.

210. Sergeant, get that still outta here.

211. Hold it! Nobody takes our gin machine.

212. Take it out of here! That's an order!

213. You watch it, buddy. This thing could go off.

214. He's got the drop on us, Tex. We can't do a thing.

215. Now maybe you'll realize who's running this outfit.

216. You straighten up and fly right,

217. or I promise you, there'll be hell to pay.

218. Ahem.

219. He actually took our still.

220. He's not a nice person.

221. Gentlemen, that man has got to go.

222. It's either him or us. And that's final.

223. How are we gonna do it? Shoot him?

224. - Stab him. - Poison him.

225. No, no, we gotta think this over.

226. We have to give it careful,

227. considered, intelligent thought.

228. - Okay. - Then we'll shoot him,

229. stab him, or poison him.

230. All right, look, it's very simple.

231. We just have to figure out a plan

232. for the destruction of one of our colleagues:

233. Major Frank Burns, U. S. Army surgeon and rat.

234. - Yeah. - Any ideas?

235. Well, we could, uh, get hold of some orders,

236. forge the general's signature,

237. and send him back to the States.

238. That's no good. They'd send him right back here.

239. It'd work for a while.

240. Hey, Hawk, how do you feel about arsenic?

241. Let's try to avoid the more obvious clichés, all right?

242. I think we need something really basic.

243. Why don't we push him in front of a chopper

244. with the blades going?

245. - That's basic enough. - Yeah.

246. We haven't had a good decapitation in a long time.

247. It's crude, very crude, but I like it.

248. It's interesting.

249. Let's table the beheading for the time being.

250. What else you got?

251. - Hey, look. - Yeah, what?

252. - Tell him he's got a hot appendix. - Yeah.

253. - Get him on the table. - Yeah.

254. - I'll give him anesthesia. - Yeah.

255. And, uh, and that's it.

256. That's it?

257. You're not a very creative, person, Ugly John.

258. - Never claimed to be. - I have a question.

259. What? Radar's got a question.

260. After we get rid of Major Burns, then what?

261. Hey, that's an important point, you know that?

262. Yeah. You know, they could send out a surgeon

263. who's even more gung ho than Frank.

264. Might be he won't even be a surgeon.

265. Could be some dermatologist

266. with pull in the War Department.

267. All right, so what's the answer?

268. I don't know. What is the answer?

269. You know what the answer is? Henry.

270. - All: Henry? - Henry. Certainly. Look,

271. When were all of us really happy here?

272. When the nurses were new?

273. We were happy when Henry was in command.

274. He understood us, we understood him.

275. Sure. He was one of us.

276. You'd insult a man behind his back?

277. We had a mature, grown-up relationship.

278. - We had him by the throat. - That's right.

279. So why would Henry let himself be transferred back here?

280. - Ego. - Ego?

281. Ego. The basic desire we all have to be needed.

282. Look, I got an idea,

283. but I'll need a couple of passes to Tokyo.

284. Okay, let's see what we got.

285. Hardship leave, sister pregnant...

286. You don't see many of those anymore.

287. Transfer to Germany...

288. Hey, you got a bacon, lettuce and tomato on rye,

289. hold the mayo?

290. Very funny.

291. Two passes to Tokyo.

292. Should've looked under T in the first place.

293. Gentlemen, with these,

294. I promise you peace in our time.

295. Fantastic. Cho-Cho, you are one of the great soap artists.

296. Thank you, Colonel-san.

297. You people really have some fun-type customs.

298. Mind if we swim through?

299. I thought you guys had drowned.

300. No. Just resting on the bottom.

301. Yeah, that's what we're all doing:

302. resting on the bottom.

303. There's that fabulous sense of humor again.

304. Henry, we've really missed it.

305. Yeah. Hey, how are things going back at the ranch?

306. Well, kinda slow right now.

307. Yeah. That's why we forged a couple of passes.

308. You know, Frank's signature is almost

309. as easy to copy as yours.

310. Hmm.

311. Well, you certainly seem to be suffering here, Henry.

312. But I give my three lectures a week,

313. and then my time is my own.

314. I don't exactly sit around my room playing the kazoo.

315. Pleasures of the flesh, Henry.

316. And after all, Henry, you deserve all this.

317. I mean, you built a great surgical unit.

318. No matter what Frank Burns is doing to it.

319. Yeah. Who cares if morale is down to zero

320. and that everybody's beginning

321. to hate each other?

322. Who cares about the 90% efficiency rating

323. now down to 32?

324. Well, that's war.

325. Oh, by George, that feels good.

326. I tell you, this little lady's got golden feet.

327. Honey, hit that scapula real hard.

328. I've got some calcium deposits back there.

329. Atta girl. Ah.

330. Will you stop groaning a minute and listen?

331. I have been listening,

332. and you still don't make sense.

333. I'm not going back to that rat hole.

334. What about the people you left back in that rat hole, huh?

335. Yeah, your friends, the people who love you.

336. Aw, come on, man. All the time I was up there,

337. I slept with a loaded gun under my pillow.

338. I'd have been safer in North Korea.

339. Henry, have you ever given one single thought to Leslie?

340. Oh. Mm. Honey, take it easy on the pelvic girdle.

341. I've only got one of those, you know.

342. You know, since you're gone, Leslie is a basket case.

343. Okay. She'll get over it.

344. I'll tell you what I'll do.

345. I'll send her an obi coat

346. or one of those hand-painted fans.

347. Oh, come on, Henry, are you trying to buy your way

348. - out of that relationship? - Yeah.

349. Okay, I'll send her a Dear Jane letter, all right?

350. But I stay here.

351. Mama-san, these kids have real talent. They're terrific.

352. How about another blast of that sake?

353. Henry, how can we change your mind?

354. You can't. Now look,

355. We came here to have a good time,

356. so let's have it. That's an order.

357. - (phone rings) - Hey, try the octopus. It's terrific.

358. No, I think I'll stick with the seaweed sandwich.

359. Okay. You speak, me speak.

360. - "You speak, me—" - Who?

361. I'll get it. Let me have that, Mama.

362. Hello, there. Colonel Blake speaking.

363. Leslie!

364. Right on time.

365. How are you?

366. Um, I'm okay.

367. Except for missing a certain lieutenant colonel

368. who shall be nameless.

369. And you?

370. Oh, fine, fine. Working very hard, of course.

371. Uh, Henry,

372. uh, is Hawkeye with you? He said he might be.

373. Yeah, sure.

374. - Pierce. - Hmm?

375. - Leslie. - For me?

376. - Yeah. - Must be trouble.

377. Yeah, Leslie, what's happening?

378. Hi. Just a minute.

379. Hi. This is the call you wanted, right?

380. Where I got one foot in the grave

381. - and the other one on a banana peel. - Oh, yeah?

382. Listen, I hope I don't have to come up

383. with any fake symptoms. I got a weak stomach.

384. - The white count's up, huh? - We had SOS again for lunch.

385. All right. Yeah, he can't hold food down.

386. Just missed the 4:00 barf.

387. Yeah, look, tell Spearchucker to get some blood chemistries

388. and start him on IVs. We'll be right there.

389. Yeah, okay.

390. Get your shoes on. We gotta go back.

391. - Got a tough case, Henry. - Huh?

392. - Diagnostic problem. - Uh-huh.

393. Abdominal pain, elevated white count. I can't nail it down.

394. - His white count's up? - Yeah, it's bad.

395. That's all right. Radar's strong.

396. You dummy. Can't you keep your mouth shut?

397. Radar?

398. - Sorry, Hawk. - You're sorry now.

399. Hey, wait a minute. You talking about Radar?

400. I didn't want to tell you.

401. I know how much he means to you.

402. You didn't want to tell me what?

403. Well, about a week ago, he developed symptoms—

404. abdominal cramps, chills, high fever.

405. Listen, Henry, if it goes bad, could you write the letter?

406. You're about his only real friend in Korea.

407. Yeah, you know, nothing elaborate. Keep it simple.

408. He comes from those kind of people.

409. We'll give you a report when we know something.

410. Hey, wait a minute.

411. You think I'm gonna sit around in a place like this

412. and wait for that kid to cash in?

413. I was the best diagnostician in Bloomington.

414. Hey, we're gettin' out of here.

415. One of you call the airport.

416. Reserve a chopper. Use my name.

417. Priority 1. I'll get my shoes. Let's move!

418. Okay. We go PX now, big boy?

419. Maybe later, Mama. Sayonara.

420. - The chopper's just landed. - I know.

421. - Come on. Lay down. - Okay, okay.

422. You know what to do.

423. You got to lay it on him now, okay?

424. - Okay. - Lay down.

425. How's he doin'?

426. - Hi, fella. - (Radar grunts)

427. Is that you, Mom?

428. It's your colonel, son. Now just relax.

429. Where do you hurt?

430. My gut.

431. Well, let's have a look.

432. We're gonna get you well, Radar.

433. - That hurt? - Ohh!

434. - That? - Ow!

435. Ohh! Ooh!

436. Whatever he's got, it's spreading.

437. Colonel Blake. I just heard you were here, sir, and I—

438. - What's that man doing in bed? - He's sick.

439. Sick? I saw him eat a quart of ice cream at lunch.

440. I was so sick, I didn't know what I was doin'.

441. That's okay, son. Just relax.

442. He's got to be goldbricking.

443. We've had a lot of that lately.

444. Out of bed, back to the office,

445. and finish filling out those reports.

446. Man's inhumanity to man again.

447. Frank, I'm examining this patient.

448. Oh, sorry, Henry, not until you sign

449. a Transient Medic form.

450. Do me a favor. Stuff it.

451. And I'll need your initials

452. on Visiting Physician in a Combat Zone.

453. Stuff that too.

454. Okay, prep this man for OR.

455. - What? - I'm gonna do an exploratory on him.

456. - Operate on him? - Operate on him?

457. Henry, listen. Let's do some more studies—

458. enzymes, abdominal X-rays, the works.

459. Find out where we're going.

460. - I agree with Frank. - Yeah, yeah.

461. I think we should test him.

462. Yeah. For a week or so, maybe longer.

463. Look, this kid's got severe abdominal pain with rigidity.

464. Now, it could be a perforated ulcer.

465. I'm going in. Who wants to assist?

466. Henry, I think you better slow down, huh?

467. Look, I'll know the story five minutes after I open him up.

468. - He's gonna open me. - You'll be fine, son.

469. Let's get on the stick. I'm gonna scrub up.

470. - Henry, look— - Henry, I'm in command here,

471. and nobody does an exploratory without my okay.

472. I'll explore anybody I want to.

473. You back off. This happens to be my responsibility.

474. Stay out of my way, Frank, or I'll have you busted down to male nurse.

475. - Come on, fellas. - This is my outfit.

476. - I make the decisions. - Your outfit?

477. I built this outfit with my own hands.

478. When we first came over that hill,

479. we didn't even have a bedpan.

480. There's not going to be any operation.

481. If you don't like it, call General Hammond.

482. I might just do that.

483. Want me to get General Hammond for you, sir?

484. Yeah. Do that.

485. See if Ugly John is available.

486. Even if he isn't, pull him away

487. from whatever or whoever he's doing,

488. and tell him that I've got...

489. Ohh.

490. The pain.

491. Look at that.

492. He was goldbricking. I told you so. (giggling)

493. Radar, are you sick?

494. Well, I feel a lot better than I did.

495. - Now I don't feel so good. - Let's get some air.

496. Hold it. Nobody move. Now, what is going on here?

497. Pierce, Mclntyre, Jones. Somebody talk to me.

498. Okay. Attila the Hun was pushing us around, playing soldier,

499. so we tried to get you back in the front office.

500. By making Radar fake an illness?

501. Yeah, well, it was intended to make you feel needed.

502. It's all very psychiatric.

503. The word is "crazy."

504. I'll get the MPs.

505. Then you can try being psychiatric in the stockade.

506. Oh, fine. Then after we're gone,

507. you can roller skate from table to table

508. and do all the surgery by yourself.

509. He's right. Put the phone down.

510. Henry, as commanding officer, I—

511. you were the commanding officer.

512. I'm taking over as of now.

513. - Hey! - Welcome back, Henry.

514. I'll fix it with General Hammond.

515. This is outrageous.

516. Frank...

517. If I were you, I'd quit the army.

518. Welcome home, Henry.

519. What am I gonna do for massages around here?

520. Oh, I'll be glad to walk all over you.

521. I'm sure you will.

522. - Hawkeye: Okay, okay. - Isn't your turn.

523. Dealer has 20. I'll pay 21.

524. - I didn't have a card. - I got 20. - I'm busted.

525. I need a card, too, you know?

526. - Hey, pull up a chair, Henry. - Ten hut.

527. "Ten hut" from Henry?

528. You better knock it off, Hawkeye.

529. I just never heard him say that before.

530. You'd better get used to it, Pierce.

531. I'm back in command now.

532. You toe the line, all of you.

533. And no more horsing around. Understood?

534. - Yes, sir. - Good, good.

535. Now you know where you stand. Any questions?

536. Yes, sir.

537. What is it, man? Speak up.

538. Can I buy you a drink, big boy-san?

539. Look, I just got through—

540. Well, maybe a little one.