1. - Clamp.
- Clamp.
Copy !req
2. - Suture.
- Suture.
Copy !req
3. - Scissors.
- Scissors.
Copy !req
4. Can't you work
any faster, Frank?
Copy !req
5. Haste makes waste.
Copy !req
6. Never at a loss for
a cliché, are we?
Copy !req
7. Is everything
all right here?
Copy !req
8. Yeah, it will be as
soon as Frank stops
Copy !req
9. sewing his fingers
together.
Copy !req
10. You missed a fragment!
Copy !req
11. Well, why didn't
you give me suction
so I could see it?
Copy !req
12. You didn't ask
for any, doctor.
Copy !req
13. You're useless!
Copy !req
14. Help around here's
impossible!
Copy !req
15. Why don't you find yourself
another war, Frank?
Copy !req
16. - Forceps.
- Forceps.
Copy !req
17. There's your fragment!
Copy !req
18. I don't ever want her
at my table again.
Copy !req
19. She's an incompetent
bungler!
Copy !req
20. And you got that from
an expert on the subject.
Copy !req
21. I can think of better ways
to spend a morning.
Copy !req
22. Back home
I could be giving
Copy !req
23. some nice blue-haired lady
a hysterectomy.
Copy !req
24. How about
selling married couples
his-and-her-terectomies?
Copy !req
25. Oh, you're punchy.
Copy !req
26. The natural result
of pulling bits of hardware
Copy !req
27. out of teenage bellies.
Copy !req
28. This place is driving me out
of my already demented mind.
Copy !req
29. My head is getting
wall-to-wall crazy.
Copy !req
30. Would you like a drink?
Copy !req
31. Is gas inflammable?
Copy !req
32. Hey! Ginger! Ginger!
Copy !req
33. Did you know Frank Bums
was stolen by Gypsies
as a little boy?
Copy !req
34. No.
Copy !req
35. Police found him,
brought him back
to his parents.
Copy !req
36. They refused delivery.
Copy !req
37. So then
the police brought him
back to the Gypsies,
Copy !req
38. but they didn't
want him either.
Copy !req
39. So then the cops
brought him to the woods
Copy !req
40. hoping the bears
would raise him.
Copy !req
41. After one day with Frank,
the bears attacked the Gypsies.
Copy !req
42. Thanks, Hawkeye.
Copy !req
43. It's about time
for Frank to be taking
Copy !req
44. his post-surgery nap now,
isn't it?
Copy !req
45. Henry, that tooth's
really bad.
Copy !req
46. Here, hold this back
with your tongue.
Copy !req
47. Uh-huh.
Copy !req
48. This is it!
Colonel, this is it!
Copy !req
49. I know I've asked for
a transfer before,
Copy !req
50. but this time
I mean it! I want out!
Copy !req
51. Ow!
Copy !req
52. Uh, Frank, will you
just calm down?
Copy !req
53. What-What's happened
to your hook—
Uh, your hand?
Copy !req
54. Mclntyre and Pierce,
that's what happened.
Copy !req
55. And for the last time!
Copy !req
56. I don't care
which MASH unit
you send me to,
Copy !req
57. I want a transfer,
and I want it now!
Copy !req
58. Look, I can't
transfer you
Copy !req
59. with your arm
looking like that.
Copy !req
60. There's nothing
wrong with my arm!
Copy !req
61. And you're not
gonna change my mind.
Copy !req
62. I've had those two
up to here!
Copy !req
63. You better cut
that thing off
Copy !req
64. before you hurt
yourself.
Copy !req
65. You have no idea
what it's been like
Copy !req
66. living with
those two perverts!
Copy !req
67. Oh, they're
not really so...
Copy !req
68. They're not?
Copy !req
69. I take my life in my hands
every time I go to bed.
Copy !req
70. I woke up one morning
and found they'd given me
Copy !req
71. "The Princess and
the Pea" treatment!
Copy !req
72. "The Princess
and the Pea"?
Copy !req
73. They nailed five cots
on top of each other.
Copy !req
74. I was sleeping
12 feet off the floor!
Copy !req
75. It's a good thing
you don't walk
in your sleep.
Copy !req
76. I don't think
it's funny at all.
Copy !req
77. Uh... of course not.
Copy !req
78. Nor is it humorous to
wake up with hamburger
stuffed in your ears.
Copy !req
79. Hamburger stuffed
in your ears?
Copy !req
80. Do you know what it's like
being awakened by a wet nose?
Copy !req
81. Frank, just leave my
married life out of this.
Copy !req
82. Doctor, watch it before
I swallow your watch.
Copy !req
83. Sorry, sir.
Copy !req
84. Look, Frank, you bring
a lot of this on yourself.
Copy !req
85. Oh, really?
Copy !req
86. Well, I certainly didn't
bring last night on myself.
Copy !req
87. Last night?
Copy !req
88. It's not too hot,
is it?
Copy !req
89. We don't wanna
wake him up.
Copy !req
90. Just right.
Copy !req
91. You sure this
is gonna work?
Copy !req
92. As sure as
Niagara Falls.
Copy !req
93. Oh...
Copy !req
94. This is terrible.
I...
Copy !req
95. Oh! You guys!
Copy !req
96. Okay, Frank.
You'll get your transfer.
Copy !req
97. Thank you.
Copy !req
98. You know—
You know, Frank?
Copy !req
99. As-as rough
as it's been sometimes,
Copy !req
100. I think I'll miss you.
Copy !req
101. Well, it might not
have come to this
Copy !req
102. if you'd had the
backbone to maintain
Copy !req
103. some discipline
around here.
Copy !req
104. Well, so much
for missing you.
Copy !req
105. This can't be
Death Valley Scotty,
can it?
Copy !req
106. No, that's one of
those guys that lets you
Copy !req
107. sit on his pony while
he takes your picture.
Copy !req
108. If you're looking
for the Gold Rush,
Copy !req
109. you take a left turn,
and go down the road
about 100 years.
Copy !req
110. Okay, okay,
you guys.
Copy !req
111. What if I told you that
there's real gold out there?
Copy !req
112. Come out of
the sun, Radar.
Copy !req
113. Your brain is
getting a tan.
Copy !req
114. I'm not kidding.
I looked it up.
Copy !req
115. It just so happens
Korea's the fifth largest
Copy !req
116. gold producer
in the world.
Copy !req
117. And the first largest
producer of Koreans.
Copy !req
118. Take a look at these.
Copy !req
119. I found 'em down
by the creek.
Copy !req
120. It's not real gold, Radar.
Copy !req
121. What you got there
is pyrite.
Copy !req
122. And if you're smart, you'll
see your dentist right away.
Copy !req
123. I'm telling you,
that's gold.
Copy !req
124. Frank?
Flowers?
Copy !req
125. I asked for
light chocolates.
Copy !req
126. I'm allergic
to flowers.
Copy !req
127. - They're not for you.
- Hot Lips?
Copy !req
128. I'm allergic
to her, too.
Copy !req
129. What a relief it is to
know that after tomorrow
Copy !req
130. I'll never have to
listen to you two again.
Copy !req
131. Having your ears
removed, Frank?
Copy !req
132. Colonel Blake has
okayed my transfer.
Copy !req
133. You're serious, Frank.
You're leaving.
Copy !req
134. Abso-tively!
Copy !req
135. Gee, Frank, this place won't
seem the same without you.
Copy !req
136. It'll be terrific!
Copy !req
137. Now, this has to be
the farewell scene
of all time.
Copy !req
138. - Margaret?
- Frank!
Copy !req
139. Oh, did you cut
your head again?
Copy !req
140. Yes, I cut
my head again.
Copy !req
141. For you.
Copy !req
142. Oh, how sweet!
Copy !req
143. Long-stemmed...
stems?
Copy !req
144. Well, they were
chrysanthemums
Copy !req
145. before Pierce and
Mclntyre got at 'em!
Copy !req
146. Why would they
destroy your flowers?
Copy !req
147. Well, why would they
put cream cheese in
my house slippers?
Copy !req
148. Do I know?
Copy !req
149. They're crazy!
Copy !req
150. It takes a certain
kind of man
Copy !req
151. not to crack
under combat.
Copy !req
152. And we all know what kind
of a man that is, don't we?
Copy !req
153. I talked to the cook.
Copy !req
154. He's bringing some
pork chops here tonight.
Copy !req
155. The kind you like...
Copy !req
156. with extra fat.
Copy !req
157. Margaret, I have something
very painful to tell you.
Copy !req
158. You can't come
to dinner tonight?
Copy !req
159. I've put in for
a transfer.
Copy !req
160. - A transfer?
- But we can still
make dinner.
Copy !req
161. - It's not till tomorrow.
- But, Frank, why?
Copy !req
162. Have I done something
to displease you?
Copy !req
163. Oh, no, Margaret.
No, no!
Copy !req
164. Is it something
I haven't done?
Copy !req
165. Tell me and I'll do it.
Copy !req
166. Or if it's something
I've done, I'll undo it.
Copy !req
167. Darling, it's nothing
you've done, or did.
Copy !req
168. It's just that every man
has a breaking point,
Copy !req
169. and Pierce and Mclntyre
have broken mine.
Copy !req
170. But last night you
said you loved me.
Copy !req
171. Oh, I do, Margaret.
Copy !req
172. Frank, you're
crushing my mums.
Copy !req
173. I don't mean to hurt you.
Copy !req
174. It's the last thing in
the world I'd want to do.
Copy !req
175. And yet you're
leaving me.
Copy !req
176. Oh, it's not forever,
Margaret.
Copy !req
177. There'll be other wars.
Copy !req
178. I'll be devastated
without you.
Copy !req
179. You know that.
Copy !req
180. I'll write you...
everyday, faithfully.
Copy !req
181. You promise?
Copy !req
182. Just like I do my wife.
Copy !req
183. Margaret, we're both
mature, grown-up adults.
Copy !req
184. We...
Copy !req
185. Margaret,
what're you doing?
Copy !req
186. Put that down!
It's government property.
Copy !req
187. It's chilly out there.
How 'bout a drink?
Copy !req
188. If you need a reason
to drink, you shouldn't.
Copy !req
189. Double or a triple?
Copy !req
190. How about the first
quintuple martini
in medical history?
Copy !req
191. How about you, Frank?
One for the road?
Copy !req
192. I make it a point
never to drink
with strangers,
Copy !req
193. and as of right now,
Copy !req
194. I don't know
either one of you.
Copy !req
195. Oh, it's chilly
in here, too.
Copy !req
196. Make Frank a Shirley Temple.
And put it on my tab.
Copy !req
197. You're nothing
but common drunks.
Copy !req
198. That is a rumor started
by people I've fallen over.
Copy !req
199. Laugh now,
Copy !req
200. but when this war
is over I'll go back
Copy !req
201. to my country club
and my 30-foot yacht,
Copy !req
202. and you two will be
ship's doctors
Copy !req
203. on a garbage scow
somewhere.
Copy !req
204. The typical
love-hate complex.
Copy !req
205. Freud said it best
when he said,
Copy !req
206. "Never ask for
light chocolates."
Copy !req
207. You're both a disgrace
to the medical profession
Copy !req
208. let alone the
United States Army!
Copy !req
209. He's beginning
to soften.
Copy !req
210. Oh, I almost forgot.
Copy !req
211. It's time to listen
to my favorite armed
forces soap opera,
Copy !req
212. "Just Plain MacArthur."
Copy !req
213. Soap operas now?
Copy !req
214. You're deteriorating
by the minute!
Copy !req
215. I'll be devastated without
you, you know that.
Copy !req
216. I'll write you...
everyday, faithfully.
Copy !req
217. "I'll write everyday,
faithfully."
Copy !req
218. Listen to that dribble,
that manure.
Copy !req
219. You know, anyone who
could listen to that...
Copy !req
220. Frank, you're
crushing my mums.
Copy !req
221. That-that's— that's...
Copy !req
222. That's right.
Nurse Dribble and Dr. Manure.
Copy !req
223. You dirty rat, you!
Copy !req
224. - James Cagney!
- You! Pierce!
Copy !req
225. Frank, please, Frank!
Hold it together, Frank.
Copy !req
226. You'll regret this
as long as you live!
Copy !req
227. I regret it right now,
Frank!
Copy !req
228. Believe me,
I already regret it.
Copy !req
229. MARGARET (on P. A.):
Maybe we could arrange
Copy !req
230. to get leaves
at the same time.
Copy !req
231. We could meet in Tokyo.
Copy !req
232. Oh, Margaret,
there's so much to do,
Copy !req
233. and so little time.
Copy !req
234. To think that the army
of all things
Copy !req
235. brought us together.
Copy !req
236. Some beautiful things can
happen even in the army.
Copy !req
237. It's absolutely
inexcusable!
Copy !req
238. You two guys should
be sentenced to life
Copy !req
239. in front of
a firing squad.
Copy !req
240. Really? We got
over 50 orders
Copy !req
241. if we can turn it
into an album.
Copy !req
242. Somethin' the matter
with your mouth, Henry?
Copy !req
243. Yeah, there's somethin'
the matter with my mouth.
Copy !req
244. I got a temporary
filling in a tooth
that's killing me!
Copy !req
245. Why don't we go to
my dentist in Detroit?
Copy !req
246. Boy, you guys just
don't get it, do you?
Copy !req
247. Look, the party
is over!
Copy !req
248. Now, I'm holding you both
directly responsible
Copy !req
249. for this unit losing
a fair but competent
general surgeon,
Copy !req
250. and now
its head nurse!
Copy !req
251. Hot Lips is leaving?
Copy !req
252. She says she's been
publicly humiliated.
Copy !req
253. Well, she has.
Copy !req
254. And to think of all
the times I offered
Copy !req
255. to humiliate
her privately!
Copy !req
256. Boy, you guys
are impossible!
Copy !req
257. Well, fire us, Henry!
Fire us!
Copy !req
258. Listen, big shot,
Copy !req
259. I'm gonna do
more than that.
Copy !req
260. I'm gonna do
more than that.
Copy !req
261. What am I doing?
This is my office.
Copy !req
262. You guys, get out!
Copy !req
263. Hawkeye?
Copy !req
264. Hey, Hawk?
Copy !req
265. If I open my eyes and
you're not a blonde pushover,
Copy !req
266. you're in trouble.
Copy !req
267. It's me, Radar.
You gotta get up
right away.
Copy !req
268. One more word and I'll nail
your tongue to your nose!
Copy !req
269. Well, I'm sorry.
It's the colonel's orders!
Copy !req
270. Trapper, too.
You both have post-op
duty this morning.
Copy !req
271. - Trapper?
- What're you talking about?
Copy !req
272. We just came off
post-op duty!
Copy !req
273. Get your hands off of me.
I'll clean off your glasses
Copy !req
274. and you'll find out
where you are!
Copy !req
275. Well, Colonel Blake
says that both of you guys
Copy !req
276. from now are pulling
double duty
Copy !req
277. till he replaces Major Burns
and Major Houlihan.
Copy !req
278. Which, the way things
go in the army,
Copy !req
279. could be about
10 o'clock next summer.
Copy !req
280. He can't do that
to us.
Copy !req
281. He'll wear us
to a frazzle.
Copy !req
282. I think maybe we
finally went too far.
Copy !req
283. You should've thought
of that before we started.
Copy !req
284. I was too busy
going too far.
Copy !req
285. I still don't know
what we're gonna do about Frank Burns.
Copy !req
286. Gimme a minute.
Copy !req
287. Want a martini?
Copy !req
288. No, thanks.
I just put one away.
Copy !req
289. What are you
laughin' at?
Copy !req
290. I think I have what
just might be an idea.
Copy !req
291. Yeah?
Copy !req
292. Three of the basic
human emotions
Copy !req
293. are greed, fear,
and greed.
Copy !req
294. So?
Copy !req
295. Frank Burns is
crazy about money.
Copy !req
296. He married for money.
Copy !req
297. He became a doctor
for money.
Copy !req
298. If there was money
in dying,
Copy !req
299. he'd throw himself under
a truck in a minute.
Copy !req
300. All of which means what?
Copy !req
301. Remember that story
Radar told us
Copy !req
302. about there being
gold in Korea?
Copy !req
303. Oh, Radar.
Copy !req
304. He's got the IQ
of a house plant.
Copy !req
305. Frank isn't much smarter.
Copy !req
306. If he thought he could
get rich staying here,
Copy !req
307. he'd never leave.
Copy !req
308. Now, how about
a martini?
Copy !req
309. I don't care how
drunk you make me.
Copy !req
310. I'm not going
home with you.
Copy !req
311. He must have some
around here someplace.
Copy !req
312. Every dentist does.
Copy !req
313. I don't know how
anyone can be a dentist.
Copy !req
314. Imagine keeping
your hand in a bunch
of wet mouths all day.
Copy !req
315. Gives you
wrinkled fingers.
Copy !req
316. - Ugh.
- Hey!
Copy !req
317. That looks like
a gold filling.
Copy !req
318. Perfect.
Copy !req
319. Must be Henry's.
Copy !req
320. If it is, it's
the only good thing
Copy !req
321. that ever came out
of his mouth.
Copy !req
322. Shh!
You'll wake him.
Copy !req
323. How much gold do you
think we got tonight?
Copy !req
324. Ah, forget it,
he's still asleep.
Copy !req
325. How much gold do you
think we got tonight?
Copy !req
326. I don't know, but we
found enough out there
Copy !req
327. to buy Frank's
country club
Copy !req
328. and have him thrown
out of it.
Copy !req
329. In my wildest dreams,
I never thought I'd
be this rich.
Copy !req
330. Let me buy you
a drink.
Copy !req
331. Let's finish these
and go back to the creek
Copy !req
332. and get some more.
Copy !req
333. Don't be greedy.
Copy !req
334. I'm putting mine
under my bed.
Copy !req
335. Why not under my bunk?
Copy !req
336. Stop pulling it!
You spilled some!
Copy !req
337. Shh-shh-shh.
Copy !req
338. Quiet, you'll
wake him up.
Copy !req
339. Shh! Where are you
going with that?
Copy !req
340. The First
National Latrine.
Copy !req
341. Aren't you afraid
of being robbed?
Copy !req
342. You ever heard of
a latrine bein' robbed?
Copy !req
343. I'm going with you.
Copy !req
344. What'd I say?
Copy !req
345. Were you talking?
Copy !req
346. Oh, really, Frank.
Copy !req
347. These rocks!
Copy !req
348. Why'd you pick such
an awful rocky place
for a walk?
Copy !req
349. Well, I just wanted
a last look around,
Copy !req
350. you know, sort of
a sentimental journey,
Copy !req
351. and I...
Copy !req
352. It's so unlike you.
Copy !req
353. You never liked
the outdoors.
Copy !req
354. Well, that's ridiculous!
Copy !req
355. I love the outdoors!
Copy !req
356. Any time I'm
not indoors,
Copy !req
357. that's where
you'll find me.
Copy !req
358. OK, Mom.
Copy !req
359. Say what?
Copy !req
360. Shh.
Copy !req
361. It's all right, Radar.
Copy !req
362. I... just wanted
to borrow something.
Copy !req
363. Yes, sir.
Copy !req
364. Do you, uh...
Copy !req
365. always sleep with
a teddy bear?
Copy !req
366. Well, not when
I'm on duty, sir.
Copy !req
367. It's okay. It's okay.
Copy !req
368. Bad man go away.
Copy !req
369. If I dig one foot deeper,
I'll be AWOL.
Copy !req
370. Gold!
Copy !req
371. Gold!
Copy !req
372. Gold, gold!
Copy !req
373. - Colonel Blake, I have, uh—
- Oh, Frank, do you know what—
Copy !req
374. What happened to you?
Copy !req
375. I, uh... fell down.
Copy !req
376. Really?
How many times?
Copy !req
377. I've got to talk
to you, sir.
Copy !req
378. Not now, Frank.
Copy !req
379. I just lost
a temporary filling
Copy !req
380. and every time I suck air,
it's a new adventure in pain.
Copy !req
381. I've decided
not to go, sir.
Copy !req
382. Frank, if you think you're
gonna sleep here tonight,
Copy !req
383. you're crazy.
Copy !req
384. I mean, my transfer!
I want to stay!
Copy !req
385. Oh, for cryin'
out loud, Frank!
Copy !req
386. I went to a lot of trouble
to accommodate you!
Copy !req
387. Well, tear them up!
Tear up my orders!
Copy !req
388. I don't wanna go!
Copy !req
389. What about Pierce
and Mclntyre?
Copy !req
390. Great guys!
Fun-loving...
Copy !req
391. - A little— What?
- Frank?
Copy !req
392. You've been pushing
your stethoscope
Copy !req
393. too far into your ears.
Copy !req
394. I think it scratched
your brain.
Copy !req
395. Well, think
whatever you like.
Copy !req
396. But I don't want
to leave here.
Copy !req
397. - There it is!
- Where?
Copy !req
398. It's just right
under your foot.
Copy !req
399. Is this your final
decision, Frank?
Copy !req
400. Absolutely and
irrevocably, yes.
Copy !req
401. I never want
to leave here.
Copy !req
402. I'm yours, forever.
Copy !req
403. I gotta tell you
something, Frank.
Copy !req
404. I've gone to sleep
with happier thoughts.
Copy !req
405. But, Frank,
I'm all packed!
Copy !req
406. What do you mean,
we're not leaving?
Copy !req
407. The colonel has
rescinded my orders.
Copy !req
408. You'll just have
to unpack.
Copy !req
409. I've said goodbye
to all the nurses.
Copy !req
410. They even gave me
a farewell present.
Copy !req
411. They must have spent
at least two dollars.
Copy !req
412. Well, Margaret,
I can't leave now.
Copy !req
413. Something's...
come up.
Copy !req
414. Who is she, Frank?
Copy !req
415. Who? Is who?
Copy !req
416. You're seeing
another woman.
Copy !req
417. Are you crazy?
Copy !req
418. I'm a happily
married man.
Copy !req
419. Frank, I don't
understand any of this.
Copy !req
420. Oh, don't cry, Margaret.
Copy !req
421. Ow.
Copy !req
422. Or...
Copy !req
423. go ahead, and I'll
dry your tears
Copy !req
424. with a gold
handkerchief.
Copy !req
425. - What?
- Gold, Margaret.
Copy !req
426. There's a fortune
in gold out there.
Copy !req
427. I've seen it!
Copy !req
428. Mclntyre and Pierce
have a whole bag of it!
Copy !req
429. Wait a minute.
I smell a rat!
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430. No, two rats!
Two 14-carat rats!
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431. Oh, no. No, no.
No-no-no-no.
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432. Let me prove it to you.
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433. Come on.
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434. Morning, Major Burns.
Major Houlihan.
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435. The secret's out!
Come on!
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436. This way!
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437. You see? You see?
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438. MAN (on P. A.):
Attention, attention!
All personnel.
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439. Tonight's double
feature is "Greed"
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440. and "The Major was a Miner",
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441. starring Major Frank
"There-Goes-My-Transfer" Burns.
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442. You did some good work
in there, Frank.-You really did.
- Hmph.
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443. We're sorry,
Frank.
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444. We really are.
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445. Well, sometimes
a joke can get way
beyond an apology.
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446. Frank, they're trying
to make amends.
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447. Well...
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448. We'll never try to
make you look foolish
again, Frank.
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449. Scout's honor.
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450. Well...
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451. Okay.
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452. I told you he
was a sweetheart.
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453. Oh!
What are you doing?
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454. Stop that!
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455. - Pierce, let him go!
- Wait your turn!
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456. Ugh!
You let him go!
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457. You mean this
isn't a nurse?
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458. How dare you!
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