MAS*H 1x18

Directed by Jackie Cooper

Jamie Farr as Maxwell Klinger • William Christopher as Father Mulcahy • Alex Henteloff as Captain Casey • Odessa Cleveland as Ginger Bayliss • Gail Bowman as Nurse Powell

Once again, Hawkeye writes home to his father, telling him of the latest gossip: the camp gets a new surgeon, who turns out to be a fake; Hawkeye bets he can walk into the mess tent naked for lunch, and no one will notice; Radar cheats on his final exam from the High School diploma company; Margaret rejects Franks advances and he gets drunk late into the night; the camp have a no talent night.

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1. Hawkeye Pierce: "Dear Dad,

2. "Sorry I haven't written sooner,

3. "but you know how the work piles up around here.

4. "Korea's pretty much the same story.

5. "The fighting goes on, the hatred, the violence,

6. "the senseless brutality, men behaving like animals.

7. "Then, of course, there's the war.

8. "Business, unfortunately, remains very brisk.

9. "I think you know by now I'm not being flip,

10. "but doing meatball surgery, you either develop

11. "a thick skin or you wind up in the Tokyo Giggling Academy."

12. Oh, wow, what a mess.

13. Stomach...

14. kidney— liver...

15. What is this, an organ recital?

16. Keep it down!

17. I'm doing something very difficult, here.

18. Trying to tie your shoe again, Frank?

19. Colonel Blake, could we have some measure

20. of military discipline?

21. (Trapper) Good idea.

22. Everybody up for callisthenics.

23. (Hawkeye) Care to join me for some push-ups, Hot Lips?

24. (Houlihan) Oh, really!

25. Knock it off!

26. (Hawkeye) "Luckily, we've got an extra pair of hands these days.

27. "Captain Adam Casey.

28. "He's really a fine surgeon, every bit as good as I am,

29. "and I'll get him for it."

30. You wanna give me a hand with these intestines.

31. - They're shot to pieces. - Okay, gimme a retractor.

32. (Hawkeye) "The work may be hard and ugly,

33. "but we can always count on the North Koreans

34. "to hand us a couple of laughs."

35. - Oh, what is that? - (indistinct chatter)

36. - MAN: They got the generator. - We need some lights in here.

37. All right, nobody panic. Let's keep cool.

38. Well, who's panicking? Who's panicking?

39. - HENRY: You're panicking, Frank! - I can't see anything.

40. - So? - But it's dark!

41. Shove any patients you can't finish under a table.

42. - They'll be safe there. - (explosion booming)

43. How the hell did you get in the army, Frank?

44. - 3-0 silk. - 3-0 silk.

45. - Suture scissors. - Suture scissors.

46. Snoo.

47. "Snoo?" What's "snoo"?

48. Nothing much. What's "snoo" with you?

49. Can't you ever be serious?

50. I tried it once. Everybody laughed.

51. "And so it goes.

52. "Here comes Corporal Klinger, one of our orderlies.

53. "A nice guy whose only purpose in life

54. "is to get out of the army,

55. "a purpose shared by three of four million of us,

56. "only Klinger, he'll stop at nothing."

57. - (knocking) - Come in.

58. Captain, I have the X-rays you wanted to look over.

59. Thank you.

60. Uh, Klinger...

61. Do you mind a little constructive criticism?

62. No, sir.

63. First of all, it's gorgeous.

64. It's so easy to go overboard with one of those,

65. but that's tasteful without being gaudy.

66. Thank you, sir.

67. Just one suggestion, you must wear a slip.

68. With the sun behind you, I could see clear through

69. to your shorts.

70. Of course, and I've got so many slips in my tent.

71. Thanks for the x-rays.

72. Yes, sir.

73. May I ask where you got that?

74. Mail-order catalog, sir.

75. A white wedding gown?

76. I'm entitled.

77. I'm a virgin.

78. "I guess the sanest guy in the outfit

79. "is Father Mulcahy.

80. "It's a wonder he doesn't go deaf

81. "from the sound of all the commandments

82. "breaking around here."

83. Father? Is everything all right?

84. It's my back.

85. You throw it out?

86. No, but I'd sure like to.

87. Let's go in the tent. I'll take a look at it.

88. Thanks.

89. Thanks, Captain Casey.

90. Do you have a history of back trouble?

91. Started in Jesuit school. All that kneeling.

92. You stay with your back toward me, Father,

93. and just relax.

94. How's that feel?

95. Better.

96. My back really feels better.

97. Good, good.

98. Now you just try and take it easy for a few days,

99. and stay off your knees.

100. Thank you very much, Doctor.

101. - Father? - Yes?

102. It's all right.

103. Oh, doctor, one good turn deserves another.

104. Father...

105. Can we consider this a confessional?

106. I am a priest.

107. I'm... not a doctor.

108. Ooh! Ooh!

109. "I don't want you to think this is a madhouse, Dad.

110. "We're nowhere near that organized.

111. "What we are mainly is bored.

112. "Bored right out of our skulls."

113. Nothing fazes anybody here!

114. - What's the matter with you? - Zero! Everybody's a cipher.

115. - An army of walking zilches. - All of a sudden—

116. I'm telling you, I could walk around this compound—

117. I bet you I could walk into that mess tent,

118. order lunch, stark-naked,

119. nobody would pay any attention to me.

120. Are you crazy?

121. I betcha 50 bucks.

122. A little drink before lunch?

123. I don't mind if I do.

124. One for the road, as it were.

125. I have always relied upon the kindness of strangers.

126. We don't usually serve people without neckties.

127. Shall we?

128. After you.

129. 50 bucks.

130. I left my pockets back in the Swamp.

131. Now, that's tasteful without being gaudy.

132. "It's very quiet at the moment, Dad.

133. "The only man in sight is Radar O'Reilly,

134. "an amazing kid.

135. "I've never put much stock in ESP,

136. "but if it is possible for one person

137. "to read another person's mind,

138. "Radar has that ability, the little fink."

139. Is that a nice thing to say?

140. "I don't know what Henry Blake would do without Radar.

141. "And I don't know what we'd do without Henry.

142. "But I can't wait to get home and find out."

143. Uh, sir?

144. - Yes, Radar? - Are you busy?

145. No, no-no, no.

146. - Uh, sign these, please, sir. - Righty-o.

147. Oh, for...

148. My dad's pen.

149. Oh... (chuckling)

150. What's this, Radar?

151. That's personal, sir.

152. Well, you can tell me.

153. My name's on it.

154. Well, I'm, uh, taking this correspondence course

155. from the Triple-A High School Diploma Company

156. of Dellavin, Indiana.

157. - The Triple-A— - High School Diploma Company of Dellavin, Indiana.

158. - I see. - Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

159. Well, uh... It's final week—

160. And you want me to take you to the senior prom, right?

161. Oh, no...

162. Oh, no, uh...

163. That says that I passed my final exam.

164. How do I know you passed your final exam?

165. You must, sir. You signed it.

166. Uh, easy, Radar.

167. Now, you know me. I'll sign anything army.

168. I mean, uh, I'll sign the surrender papers.

169. But I've got a reputation and a civilian practice

170. to think about,

171. and the last thing I need in this world is trouble

172. from the Triple-A High School Diploma Company

173. of, uh, Dellavin, Indiana.

174. I'm sorry, sir.

175. You know, if you want, you could give me the test.

176. I just didn't want to take up your time.

177. Oh, that's no problem.

178. I mean, the war's, uh, pretty slow right now.

179. Where's the test?

180. Oh, it's here, sir, in this officially sealed envelope.

181. The seal's broken.

182. Oh?

183. Well, that must have been the censor.

184. They're always on the lookout for a dirty question.

185. Now, let's see here.

186. All right, Radar, take a piece of paper,

187. and a pencil, and, uh, sit down.

188. Comfortable?

189. C-O-M-F-O—

190. - No, no, no, no, no, no. - R—

191. That was just a rhetorical question.

192. Oh.

193. Well, I don't study those.

194. Study what?

195. Rhetoricals?

196. Come on, Radar. Stop horsing around.

197. Um, I, uh... I'm very nervous, sir.

198. Well, look, um, uh, take a deep breath.

199. That makes me throw up.

200. Look, just settle down.

201. Uh, now, this is not gonna be difficult.

202. There. Good boy.

203. Okay?

204. Yes, sir.

205. First question.

206. Um, "what is a three-sided object

207. "with two equal sides?"

208. The Gettysburg Address.

209. "For which speech is Abraham Lincoln most remembered?"

210. The isosceles triangle.

211. Something wrong?

212. No, no, no.

213. No, your answers are right.

214. Oh...

215. You just memorized them in the wrong order.

216. Well, I just peeked at the first few.

217. That's cheating.

218. It's my only chance.

219. Nonsense, Radar.

220. Now, you're smart enough to get through this

221. on your own.

222. - Okay? - Okay.

223. Now, uh, I'm gonna give you two famous dates from history.

224. Okay.

225. - 1492. - Okay, hold it.

226. 1492, yeah.

227. - 1776. - 1776, uh-huh.

228. Now, what do these—

229. - I know! - What?

230. 3,268.

231. Congratulations, Radar.

232. You've just graduated from the Triple-A

233. High School Diploma Company of Dellavin, Indiana.

234. Oh, oh!

235. Oh, thank you, sir.

236. Thank you very much.

237. Um... oh.

238. This is the proudest moment of my life.

239. - Radar? - Sir?

240. - Your dad's pen? - Yeah.

241. See if you can get the coffee out of it, will ya?

242. Yes, sir.

243. "Now, dad let me bring you up to date "on Frank Burns and Hot Lips,

244. "the King Kong and Fay Wray of the 4077th.

245. "Last week, Frank paid an afternoon call,

246. "but Hot Lips argued that she had a brain

247. "and Frank was only interested in her bones.

248. "We then found out, that impossible as Frank is as an enemy,

249. "he's intolerable as a friend."

250. - Knock, knock. - Who's there?

251. - Abe Lincoln. - Abe Lincoln who?

252. Don't you know me?

253. - That's awful. - (laughing)

254. - OK, can I do another one? - No!

255. - Knock, knock. - Who's there?

256. - Thomas Jefferson. - Thomas Jefferson who?

257. Was Abe Lincoln just here? (laughs)

258. Hawkeye, I never liked you.

259. Hiya, Chuckles.

260. I gotta hand it to you, Frank.

261. You got all the gaiety of an impacted wisdom tooth.

262. Is that a martini?

263. In case you didn't read the paper today,

264. Prohibition was repealed.

265. Well, I want one.

266. A drink? You, Frank?

267. A double.

268. Frank, if you have a drink, you'll loosen up.

269. You might even smile.

270. Frank, you could break your face!

271. And leave out the olive.

272. You want to talk about it, Frank?

273. I don't want to talk about it.

274. I don't want to think about it.

275. I don't want to think about talking about it.

276. Hey, Frank, take it easy. That's very young gin.

277. Frank, go slow. That stuff will take the paint off your stomach.

278. Fill 'er up.

279. - Frank? - Zoo.

280. - Frank? - Yo!

281. If you don't stop singing, I'll glue your tongue down!

282. Don't be a party pooper.

283. Or a pooter parpy.

284. Frank, the party's over. It's a quarter of three.

285. - Frank, you take requests? - Anything.

286. Shut your cakehole.

287. Come on, Frank, knock it off! Close your eyes!

288. If I close my eyes, my brain won't get any air.

289. - Your what? - I got a brain, you know!

290. I got a brain as big as hers are.

291. Right, pal. Right, buddy.

292. Pal and buddy.

293. I sure hope that's not a song.

294. Get away from there, Frank. We're closed.

295. You know,

296. no one ever called me "pal" or "buddy"

297. in my whole rotten life.

298. You know what my own brother used to call me?

299. My own brother?

300. Ferret Face.

301. Can you imagine that?

302. Do you think I look like a weasel?

303. - No, Frank. You're very handsome. - Honest?

304. - Honest. - Really?

305. - Do you think he looks like a weasel? - Who?

306. Ferret Face!

307. Hey, I had a brother used to call me that.

308. Frank, go to sleep. You look beautiful.

309. Say, you sure you don't love me just for my body?

310. Believe me, Frank, that's the last thing

311. we love about you. Go to sleep.

312. Come on, you guys, let's do something!

313. Hey, knock it off over there!

314. Oh, yeah? How'd you like to step inside and say that?

315. Come on, fellas. Let's do something.

316. We don't want to do anything.

317. Then I'll do something.

318. - What should I do? - Fall down, Frank.

319. Right.

320. - How do you like the color? - I love it.

321. Can I see you for a second, Hawkeye?

322. I told you not to disturb me during the Korean War.

323. You know, I love your blood type.

324. I've always liked girls with your blood type...

325. Uh, it's important.

326. Go away!

327. This young lady of the nurse persuasion and I

328. are discussing the possibility of a surrender.

329. She's giving me her terms right now.

330. Why don't we go back to my place and—

331. Uh, I think you're gonna want to see this.

332. W-w-where are you going right now?

333. - To the nurses' shower. - Good, then I'll see you.

334. Unless they plugged up the hole.

335. - Important, huh? - Yep.

336. It better be, or I'm putting your appendix back.

337. Terrific.

338. Captain Casey, huh?

339. - I'm gonna go talk to him right now. - After the choppers.

340. - What choppers? - RADAR: Wait for it.

341. Attention, all personnel.

342. Incoming choppers with wounded.

343. Report to the hospital, all personnel.

344. - Very good work, Captain Casey. - Thank you, Father.

345. I'll give you a hand here.

346. It's all right, Captain.

347. Better let me give you a hand, Sergeant.

348. The provost marshal has a circular out on you.

349. You're hot, fella.

350. Are you gonna blow the whistle?

351. Be off the base in 24 hours, and never, repeat,

352. never touch a patient again without a licence.

353. And contact me the minute you get one.

354. You're a damn good surgeon.

355. On the level?

356. Next to you, Frank Burns is an alterations lady.

357. Thanks.

358. I gotta ask you one question.

359. "Why?"

360. Well, I've passed myself off as a teacher,

361. a lawyer, an engineer.

362. I can do it all.

363. I just never had the patience

364. to go through it by the numbers.

365. I guess I never had the drive

366. to get the diploma, the permit, whatever.

367. Try it once.

368. You'll be great, Casey.

369. Schwartz, actually.

370. "I forgot to thank you for sending me your old tuxedo.

371. "It really added a touch of class

372. "to our charity no-talent night."

373. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

374. Before bringing on our all-star attraction,

375. I'd like to say that tonight

376. we raised over $300 for the Korean Refugee Fund.

377. And-and someone who wishes to remain anonymous

378. gave $5 for Israel.

379. And now we'd like to bring you an act

380. with a lot of polish.

381. And they're going to sell it right after the show.

382. And here they are, those doctors of rhythm,

383. those medics of melody, the 4077th's own

384. Hawkeye Pierce and his Swinging Surgeons,

385. under the direction of Colonel Henry Blake!

386. Give me an M.

387. One more time!

388. I'd like to write more Dad, but its Saturday night

389. the one night we all look forward to

390. "I'm gonna shower now, shave, put on a clean uniform

391. "and cry myself to sleep

392. "Kiss mom and sis."

393. Hawkeye! Hawkeye, are you asleep?

394. I never know.

395. There's somebody here who'd like to say goodbye to you.

396. I'd just like to thank you for everything you did.

397. And everything you didn't.

398. In a place crawling with characters,

399. you certainly held your own, "doctor".

400. No, not any more.

401. Goodbye, my son.

M*A*S*H 1x18

MAS*H 1x18