M*A*S*H 1x16

1. Hey, Major, let me see that X-ray, will ya?

2. Oh, yeah, right. Okay. All right, thank you.

3. Thank you!

4. Come on, you little bugger.

5. Ah!

6. Gotcha.

7. Thanks to my experience

8. as pick-up-sticks champion of southern Maine.

9. Now you can identify us to your lawyer.

10. Uh, can I have that bullet, Doc?

11. A souvenir.

12. Well, I had a buyback deal with the sniper,

13. but all right.

14. Well...

15. a little thing like this

16. is not gonna keep me off the line.

17. Frank, that's Colonel Buzz Brighton!

18. I saw his picture in Stars and Stripes.

19. - Oh, a colonel. - Yeah.

20. I didn't realize that we were carving on a full bird.

21. Yeah, instead of a local,

22. we should've used something imported.

23. Ah, you save that stuff for the sick guys.

24. Hey, listen, I'm not kiddin'.

25. When that local wears off,

26. you're gonna really feel somethin'.

27. Why don't you come by the Swamp later

28. for some homemade painkiller.

29. The Swamp?

30. - Yeah, our tent. - It's lovely.

31. Just knock on the "condemned" sign and come in.

32. Careful, Major. Somebody's liable to trip over your tongue.

33. Ooo! Wow. That's great gin.

34. Oh, that's because it's aged.

35. Yeah, it's been cooking since 8:00 this morning.

36. Can I get you a refill?

37. Ah, no, I'll get it.

38. Hey, listen, Buzz, you better use this cane.

39. You don't wanna overwork that leg.

40. Well, I don't wanna baby it, either.

41. You don't think this is the first slug

42. - I've picked up, do ya? - Yeah, I noticed that.

43. You got more stitches in your butt than a sampler.

44. All right, come on, fellas.

45. When can I get back to my men?

46. Couple of days.

47. You know, you gotta take it easy.

48. Mental rest is important, too.

49. Now look, don't put me in the same league

50. with the battle fatigue phonies.

51. That's just another way of yelling "chicken" in my book.

52. I've heard of anxiety and overexposure to stress,

53. but, uh, I don't believe Freud ever mentioned chicken,

54. do you, Doctor?

55. I believe once,

56. in describing his mother's soup.

57. Look, all I wanna do is get back to my outfit.

58. You know, this war is not gonna wait

59. just because I'm sidetracked.

60. I'll bet it got slowed down a little, though, didn't it?

61. Every time you get a wild hare and yell "charge,"

62. our surgery here is standing room only.

63. Ah, casualties are part of the game.

64. If it costs ya a few good men to take a hill,

65. that's a price you gotta pay.

66. I mean, some real estate doesn't come cheap.

67. Well, to be honest, we're not too hot for your business.

68. Taking care of your outfit is a little bit

69. like making a house call at Custer's Last Stand.

70. You know, you guys are really civilians.

71. Right down to our yellow bellybuttons.

72. Now, you got your whole lives to perfect your trade.

73. I'm an army officer.

74. And this war, you know, is not gonna last forever.

75. Well, no war's perfect.

76. Now the way I look at it is I only got a certain amount of time

77. to knock off a couple of thousand gooks,

78. turn a lot of boys into men,

79. and make a few points for myself.

80. With a little time left over to divide the Red Sea.

81. I'll leave that for the Marines.

82. Oh...

83. Well, thanks for the hooch.

84. I think I'll go out

85. and get myself a little exercise here.

86. I'll see ya.

87. Right...

88. Whaddaya say we put him to sleep

89. and put the bullet back in his leg?

90. Oh, he's a beauty.

91. We got us a real ring banger here.

92. A what banger?

93. Didn't you see the way

94. he kept banging his ring on the chair?

95. Yeah.

96. A little reminder that he's a quarterback in this war

97. and we're just water boys.

98. Well, I got a feeling he wouldn't be so tall

99. if he weren't standing on so many bodies.

100. Whaddaya say we try to keep Buzz around for a while?

101. I got the information you guys wanted.

102. You're a model of industry and sneakiness.

103. Yeah, well my friend at Walter Reed says

104. that, uh, Colonel Brighton's physicals have been perfect.

105. Let me see that.

106. That's disgusting.

107. This guy is so fit,

108. he'll be in good health two years after he's dead.

109. Look at this West Point info.

110. Guess what he broke.

111. His back.

112. His front.

113. The all-time record for never being on sick call.

114. Terrific.

115. And will you look at this?

116. The guy's racked up twice as many casualties

117. as any other regimental commander

118. while only gaining half the ground.

119. I think this guy oughta come outta the game

120. for a little while.

121. Why don't we gift wrap

122. a few dysentery germs for him?

123. Is Colonel Blake in?

124. No, sir. He's in his tent, sir.

125. Good morning, Frank.

126. Wouldn't you like to know?

127. The problem is in Buzz' mind.

128. That's where we ought to strike.

129. A little homemade battle fatigue.

130. A karate chop to his reality.

131. What are you guys building?

132. Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you.

133. - But, sir— - Oh! Ouch!

134. Oh, my ear.

135. Is there any blood?

136. Oh, for Pete's sake, sir, you're a doctor.

137. Listen, Frank, I could paint a barn

138. with someone else's blood.

139. I just can't stand to see my own.

140. I was right there in the operating room.

141. It was a simple excision of a bullet from his thigh.

142. No post-op infection, no evidence of a fracture,

143. no reason for him to still be here,

144. except that maybe he's become a drinking buddy

145. of Pierce and Mclntyre.

146. Last night, they filled a bucket with gin

147. and were bobbing for olives.

148. You want to see me, Lieutenant?

149. I'm just leaving to pick up

150. those supplies in Seoul, Colonel.

151. Would you like to approve my requisition?

152. I certainly would.

153. Excuse me, Frank.

154. Of course.

155. Ahem.

156. Make sure the sardines are boneless

157. and the peanut butter's chunky.

158. If they're out of cheese balls,

159. get some smoked oysters.

160. Can I kiss your ear and make it better?

161. Not in front of, uh, El Jerkorino.

162. Yes.

163. Yes, sir.

164. Never mind. Ahem.

165. Uh, carry on, Lieutenant.

166. Yes, sir.

167. Now, then, Frank?

168. About Colonel Brighton, sir,

169. I think Pierce and Mclntyre might be delib—

170. What—

171. Frank Burns is giving Henry a hard time

172. about your patient Colonel Brighton.

173. Oh, yeah? Oh, thanks, Leslie.

174. There'll be a little something under your pillow.

175. Me.

176. If you're unhappy, Frank, examine Brighton yourself.

177. I can? How can I ever thank you, sir?

178. Try leaving.

179. Yes, sir.

180. MAN Will the owner of a red pick-up truck,

181. Illinois license LU6751,

182. please fly back to Chicago

183. and remove it from in front of the Y?

184. - Buzz? - 48, 49, 50.

185. Ah.

186. I feel great.

187. I was afraid of that.

188. - Absence of pain. - Mm-hmm.

189. Could be an inflammation of the femur.

190. And could cause paraesthesia.

191. - Or thrombophlebitis. - Yeah.

192. With an extension of the femoral vessels,

193. - resulting in a pulmonary embolism. - Right. Sure.

194. - What? - X-rays don't lie, Buzz.

195. Buzz, look, uh,

196. we've been goin' over your whole history,

197. and, uh, we think we should keep you around for a week

198. - for observation. - No way!

199. Buzz, look, it's the best thing to do.

200. No way! They'll put someone else in charge of my outfit.

201. We've considered that possibility.

202. Look, do you mind if I get a second opinion,

203. talk to Colonel Blake?

204. - Henry? - Yeah.

205. Oh, well, uh, that's a good idea.

206. - Yeah. - He's terrific,

207. if you catch him early enough in the day.

208. What do you mean?

209. Well, he slips away once in a while and—

210. Oh, he's a boozer, uh?

211. Oh, you don't have to whisper. Everybody knows.

212. It's a tragedy, really.

213. Yeah. Yeah. See, Henry, uh,

214. Henry could've been head surgeon at Walter Reed.

215. But, uh, well, he was swacked when he did an appendectomy

216. on a general's wife.

217. It was a hell of a way to take out her adenoids.

218. Well, what about, uh...

219. what's-his-name, Burns?

220. Now, he's a major.

221. - Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

222. Well, no offense, but you guys

223. are just captains, aren't ya?

224. Oh...

225. - Oh, I get your point. - Yeah.

226. Yeah, Frank is a...

227. terrific officer and a great doctor.

228. That's good enough for me.

229. That other thing doesn't matter at all.

230. No.

231. What other thing?

232. - Well, uh... - I don't think—

233. - I don't think we should say. - No, I don't think so.

234. I mean, he never actually got caught.

235. - That's right. - Doing what?

236. Well, it's not Frank's fault he showed up at an air raid

237. in high heels.

238. Do you mean that he's a...

239. But a fine doctor.

240. And a great nurse.

241. A major?

242. Drop by later for a drink?

243. What? Oh. Yeah.

244. Colonel Brighton.

245. I've been looking all over for you.

246. Oh?

247. I want to give you a checkup,

248. see what we can do about getting you on your way.

249. Uh-huh.

250. Just let me get comfy here.

251. Whose are those?

252. Pierce and Mclntyre, they're always bringin' nurses in here,

253. those degenerates.

254. Oh, you think that they're degenerates, huh?

255. Oh, it really makes no never mind.

256. Now...

257. I want to feel your leg.

258. It feels fine.

259. What are you trying to do?

260. Take your pulse.

261. Well, can't you do it without touching me?

262. Well, Colonel, I...

263. Now look. Forget it.

264. Afternoon, Colonel.

265. Your laundry, sir.

266. Thank you. I...

267. This stuff belongs to Colonel Blake.

268. A little small for him, don't you think?

269. Oh, well, they're not his.

270. Oh, no.

271. No, they belong to a nurse friend of his.

272. Another one of those degenerates, right?

273. Well, I didn't say that, Colonel. I—

274. Hey. What do ya say, Buzz, how's it going?

275. I just had a close call with that Burns character.

276. Boy, you sure were right about him.

277. - Oh, I'm sorry. - Now, listen.

278. You've gotta get me outta here.

279. Oh, we're doing the best we can.

280. See, what you don't understand is,

281. any time a body has been opened surgically,

282. there's a shock to the system.

283. Kind of a head lag.

284. Although, your thigh is fine,

285. because you're not suffering any leg lag.

286. Well, how long do you figure?

287. - A couple of days? - Oh, tops.

288. You know, just until you're really yourself again.

289. I am myself!

290. What are you talking about?

291. Buzz? Uh, where are you going?

292. I'm going to my tent.

293. - This is your tent. - No, this is my tent here.

294. I remember it, because that's where the P. A. speaker—

295. was.

296. - You'll be okay. - Oh, that Burns character,

297. he really got to me.

298. See, Buzz?

299. This is your sack.

300. And here is all your gear.

301. Yeah. Right.

302. Take it easy, Buzz, huh?

303. Yeah, why don't you lie down a while?

304. You know, rest.

305. Come on, you got no place to go.

306. Relax. Finish your milk.

307. What milk?

308. The milk you made such a fuss about getting this morning.

309. Oh.

310. See you later, Buzz, huh?

311. Take a nice nap, okay?

312. Can we go to your tent, please?

313. I've got something I want you to see.

314. They all break in the end.

315. You'll, uh, you'll have to excuse how the place looks.

316. Yeah, the painters really left a mess.

317. I've just gone over Colonel Brighton's file.

318. X-rays, the works.

319. He's 100% fit.

320. Why are you keeping him here?

321. Look, do you want us to ruin this guy's career?

322. Put down what's really wrong with him on his record?

323. Is that what you want?

324. What are you talking about?

325. What am I talking about?

326. What am I talking about?

327. Well, um...

328. Uh, sometimes a little, uh, wound

329. can trigger a bigger problem

330. that's just beneath the surface.

331. That's what I'm talking about!

332. Buzz Brighton has lost all confidence in himself.

333. Not just as an officer. As a man.

334. This morning there were tears on his pillow.

335. The bigger they are, you know.

336. More than once they found Patton

337. sobbing inside his tank.

338. I never dreamed...

339. Everybody thinks he's a tower of strength.

340. But inside that colonel there's a private...

341. that needs to be cuddled and held,

342. just like the rest of us.

343. Ah, nobody cares.

344. I want to thank you both for setting me straight.

345. Hi, Frank.

346. Want me to do your back?

347. No, thanks, Mr. Wisenheimer.

348. Hey, we got a poker game scheduled in the Swamp tonight,

349. but we'll try to be finished by the time you get back.

350. I know you like your beauty rest.

351. Oh, I'm not going anywhere tonight.

352. I thought you had a date with Hot Lips—

353. Uh-uh... Major Houlihan.

354. I do not.

355. It's just that I saw her getting all spiffed up.

356. I thought you two were gonna tip-toe through the minefield.

357. Spiffed up?

358. Yeah, you know, hairdos, nail polish.

359. Never mind!

360. What the major does is her own business.

361. After all, her affairs are her own affairs.

362. Oh, and not that I mean to imply that she has any.

363. I don't go sticking my nose into her hairdos.

364. And you would do very well to keep your stories to yourself

365. and mind your own beeswax!

366. Take it easy, Frank.

367. You're getting yourself into a lather.

368. - Margaret, who are you seeing? - Frank, what's wrong?

369. And where? It's him, isn't it? Buzz!

370. You got one look at his thigh and you went crazy!

371. Frank! What—

372. Just because someone is strong and muscular.

373. You're a pushover for powerfully built guys like us.

374. It's nothing like that.

375. Then why the new hairdo and...

376. And-and-and-and the perfume, and...

377. - Frank, don't sniff.

378. - Oh, Margaret. - Frank.

379. You're dripping on my foot.

380. Oh, I was just in the shower, and I—

381. Well, you can't just come in here dripping and sniffing!

382. Would you promise me that there's nothing

383. between you and the colonel?

384. Nothing! And that's an order!

385. Oh, Margaret.

386. Oh, Frank.

387. Remember the-the chief nurse Major Houlihan?

388. - Yeah, the blonde. - Right. Okay, now,

389. she's gonna be around later to check you out.

390. And it's very important, too, Buzz—

391. because, you see, after we sign your release,

392. she also has to sign you out.

393. And she's a great-looking gal.

394. Oh, you should see her in a sweater!

395. She'll melt your helmet line.

396. And passionate!

397. Oh, her lips are set at automatic pucker.

398. - Hey, that's very good. - Listen.

399. Now, this should be very interesting.

400. She really simmers, our Hot Lips.

401. Well, you call her Hot Lips?

402. And not because she's left-handed.

403. Thanks for clueing me in.

404. Oh, there's only one thing, Buzz.

405. Uh, she and Colonel Blake, uh...

406. The boozer?

407. Hey, I'm glad you told me.

408. Uh, where you going?

409. I'm going to my, uh...

410. tent.

411. Are you absolutely certain

412. that I have to be checked out for small arms proficiency?

413. Yes, sir. It's something new.

414. It's probably on account of, uh, the war.

415. It's right here in these new orders that came—

416. Oh, never mind. It just seems funny

417. they say do it at night.

418. Night fighting, sir.

419. There's a lot of it these days.

420. Yeah, but I'm a doctor. I don't go running—

421. Necessary if you expect to collect

422. your $325 pistol allowance.

423. Well...

424. for that kind of money,

425. I guess I can take a shot in the dark.

426. Oh. That's probably a joke, isn't it, sir?

427. Anybody home?

428. What's up, Pierce?

429. Henry, can I keep this bottle in your locker?

430. Nothing's safe in the Swamp.

431. - Yeah, key's in the desk. - Thank you.

432. Oh, you wouldn't like a shot, would you?

433. It's a little nippy out tonight.

434. Yes, sir, the temperature's dropped to almost 98.

435. Well, maybe a wee dram.

436. Here's looking up your old address.

437. - Oh— - Colonel,

438. I'm Margaret Houlihan.

439. Uh, nice of you to drop by, Major.

440. I'm not here as an officer...

441. or as a nurse.

442. I'm here as a woman

443. who sees you not only as a warrior

444. but as a man.

445. Oh.

446. Why, thank you.

447. A very exciting man.

448. Buzz, I want to help you.

449. Yeah, well, I think—

450. you know, the only help I need, Major,

451. is just get a release, so I can get back to the front.

452. But we want to send you back confident and strong.

453. I know you're worried about this thigh.

454. No.

455. You want it to be as strong as this one.

456. - Really, Major, uh— - Margaret.

457. Ma-Major Margaret.

458. Uh... now, just do...

459. nothing to worry about. I'm not worried.

460. I'm gonna sit here,

461. and wanna relax, and be quiet.

462. And drink my milk.

463. Now this is really the last one, Pierce,

464. because I have got to shoot some targets.

465. And I didn't even know they were in season.

466. Easy. Easy. I'm only human.

467. You don't have to be human with me.

468. Colonel Brighton? It's Frank Burns.

469. Why can't he leave me alone?

470. Colonel?

471. Don't say I'm here.

472. Don't say I'm here.

473. Colonel, are you alone?

474. He can't keep his hands off of me.

475. Colonel, I know you're there.

476. He what?

477. Time for target practice, sir.

478. Oh, let's go, Henry. Gotta get out there.

479. Okay.

480. Don't move, Korea. This is a stick-up.

481. - See you down the road. - Okay.

482. You're due on the range, sir.

483. Right this way, sir.

484. Yes, sir.

485. - After you, sir. - Thank you.

486. You're welcome.

487. - Margaret! - Oh, Frank!

488. Colonel Brighton!

489. Buzz, be careful! He's jealous.

490. Well, why should he be? I don't belong to him.

491. You rat!

492. Ow! Ow!

493. - What's going on here? - Ooh.

494. Uh, Colonel, look, I'm sorry.

495. I didn't know he was your girl.

496. What?

497. I'm sorry, I didn't know she was your girl.

498. Buzz, we wanted to ask your advice on re-enlisting—

499. You're drunk!

500. Oh, that's a dirty lie,

501. And I intend to press charges...

502. the minute I'm sober.

503. Now, look, Colonel, don't get in a beef just because of me.

504. - Now, Colonel— - Get your hands off of me!

505. Keep your hands off of me! Everybody!

506. Keep your hands off of me! No examination!

507. I know how I am and I know where I am.

508. I'm-I'm here.

509. I am here and this is my tent because that is my milk!

510. Yes, sir.

511. - Henry? - What?

512. Don't you think you better get out on the range? Hmm?

513. Me, too.

514. Oh, Colonel...

515. Don't shoot!

516. Give him a chance, Henry.

517. He's half out of his head with battle fatigue.

518. - Right, Buzz? - Right.

519. - Now listen, I want— - The ambulance is right outside, sir.

520. Why don't we go outside to an ambulance?

521. There's no more time. Communication's very important.

522. You men, I'll see you in the trenches.

523. What is the matter with him?

524. Well, uh, Henry, he just needs a little rest.

525. Sign this, sir.

526. - Am I signing? - Yes, sir.

527. Something good?

528. You're sending Buzz back to the States

529. to cool off for a couple of months.

530. He'll need a lot more than that.

531. Oh. Oh, okay.

532. Now then, what about the old target practice?

533. You got eight outta ten, sir.

534. I did?

535. You just missed out on your $325 pistol allowance.

536. Oh, darn it.

537. Henry, what say we go back to the Swamp, hmm?

538. Yeah, a little nightcap.

539. I would love to, fellas,

540. but I'm on duty.

541. Carry on.

542. You're getting better.

543. Boy, I live for the day

544. when you guys are outta my life!

545. Don't let them get to you, Major.

546. Just trying to brighten things up a little bit, Frank.

547. Brighten things up? You're maniacs, you—

548. you and your friend! Both of you!

549. I don't know which one of you is sicker!

550. I'd like just the tip of it off

551. and turned up a little at the end.

552. You know, the Dick Haymes look.

553. Oh, you!