Mary Shelley's Frankenhole 1x2

Directed by David Tuber

Brandon Johnson as Barack Obama (voice)

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. JEFFERSON!

2. AREN'T YOU DONE WRITING THE

3. DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE YET?

4. CALM DOWN, HANCOCK!

5. I'M STUCK ON THIS WHOLE "ALL MEN

6. ARE CREATED EQUAL" THING.

7. IT JUST DOESN'T RING TRUE.

8. WHY? WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

9. WELL, I OWN SLAVES.

10. OH, I SEE — A MORAL DILEMMA.

11. YES.

12. HOW CAN ALL MEN BE CREATED EQUAL

13. WHEN THESE BLACK MEN HAVE

14. PENISES TWICE THE SIZE OF MINE?

15. I'M GONNA TAKE A BREAK FOR A

16. BIT, JOHN.

17. I'VE GOT AN ERRAND TO RUN.

18. WELL, CAN I JUST SIGN IT NOW?

19. I'M CHOMPING AT THE BIT HERE.

20. OKAY, BUT WRITE SMALL.

21. I'M NOT FINISHED YET.

22. THANKS, BUDDY!

23. OH, BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY,

24. OH, BOY!

25. AAH!

26. THOMAS JEFFERSON.

27. BARON FRANKENSTEIN.

28. NOT NOW!

29. I AM RE-ANIMATING THIS FRESHLY

30. FED, FRESHLY DEAD SNAKE.

31. IT CHOKED.

32. POOR THING.

33. NOTHING.

34. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? LOOK!

35. IT'S MOVING.

36. NO. YOU LOOK.

37. BUT — BUT — BUT-BUT —

38. BUT WHAT?

39. OH, WELL.

40. ANYWAY, MR. JEFFERSON, WHAT

41. BRINGS YOU HERE TO SOMEWHERE IN

42. EASTERN EUROPE?

43. I WANT TO ALTER MY... UM...

44. JOHN ADAMS.

45. TERRIFIC.

46. ANOTHER PERVERT.

47. WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING MORE

48. CHALLENGING, LIKE LEGS ON YOUR

49. EYES OR A FEATHERED BRAIN OR

50. SOMETHING?

51. NOT SURE THAT STUFF IS BIG

52. WITH THE LADIES.

53. FINE.

54. WE'LL MAKE YOUR PENIS BIGGER.

55. HOP UP!

56. ACTUALLY, I DON'T WANT MY

57. PENIS BIGGER, PER SE.

58. I WANT IT REPLACED ENTIRELY WITH

59. THAT OF A NEGRO'S.

60. WELL, IT'S NOT AN

61. EYEBALL WITH FEATHERS, BUT IT'S

62. INTERESTING.

63. YOU SEE?

64. I'VE NOTICED THAT WHEN I FORCE

65. MYSELF ON MY SLAVE WOMEN, THEY

66. LOOK A LITTLE, WELL... UNEXCITED.

67. HMM. CURIOUS.

68. I THINK THAT PERHAPS THE

69. COLOR AND — OKAY — SIZE OF MY

70. MEMBER MAY NOT BE WHAT THEY'RE

71. USED TO.

72. OH, PLEASE, FRANKENSTEIN, HELP

73. ME SATISFY MY SLAVES.

74. ALL RIGHT,

75. WELL, LET'S SEE.

76. I WANT THE BIGGEST AND THE

77. BLACKEST!

78. HOW ABOUT HIM?

79. THE INVENTOR OF

80. PEANUT BUTTER.

81. NOT THE MOST VIRILE

82. OF OCCUPATIONS.

83. HOW ABOUT THIS

84. FELLOW?

85. P. DIDDY?

86. P. DIDDY?

87. AT SCHOOL, THAT WAS THE VERY

88. WORD WE USED FOR "TINY PENIS."

89. NEXT, PLEASE.

90. OKAY, UM...

91. HOW ABOUT HIM?

92. WILT CHAMBERLAIN.

93. WELL, THE NAME

94. "WILT" DOESN'T EXACTLY INSPIRE

95. CONFIDENCE, DOES IT?

96. YES, BUT LOOK AT HIS FEET.

97. THEY'RE HUGE!

98. TRUE.

99. PLEASE.

100. THE RELATIONSHIP OF THE FOOT AND

101. THE PENIS ARE COMPLETELY

102. INCONSEQUENTIAL.

103. DOUBT THAT.

104. BUT ANYWAY, CHAMBERLAIN'S NOT

105. EVEN AN INDIGENOUS NAME.

106. WE NEED TO FIND SOMEONE FRESH

107. FROM DEEPEST, DARKEST AFRICA,

108. WITH A NAME LIKE MBOUGWA OR

109. GABA-GABA-GAWLLA OR...

110. BARACK OBAMA!

111. PERFECT! HA HA!

112. THAT ONE PROBABLY CAN'T EVEN

113. SPEAK ENGLISH.

114. WHERE IS HE?

115. AMERICA, 2009.

116. AND I THINK YOU'LL BE SURPRISED

117. AT HIS OCCUPATION.

118. IN 2009? WHO CARES?

119. HE'S PROBABLY A SPACE GARDENER

120. OR SOME ROBOT'S BUTLER OR

121. SOMETHING.

122. AS LONG AS EVERYTHING'S BIG AND

123. BLACK DOWNSTAIRS, I'M HAPPY.

124. LET'S GO, THEN!

125. YGOR, PACK OUR BAGS FOR 2009!

126. I WAS JUST GETTING TO

127. IT.

128. LOVELY PLACE.

129. THANK YOU.

130. THAT WAS —

131. I MEAN, IT JUST —

132. IT JUST SWIRLED AWAY!

133. BLOOP! GONE!

134. NO FUSS, NO MUSS, NO CALLING FOR

135. THE POOP SLAVE.

136. BLOOP!

137. MR. JEFFERSON,

138. MAY I INTRODUCE BARACK —

139. HEY! IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE OUT

140. OF A JOB.

141. MY POOP WENT AWAY ALL BY ITSELF.

142. CARRIED OUT OF THE HOUSE.

143. WHOOSH!

144. MR. JEFFERSON,

145. MAY I INTRODUCE YOUR COUNTRY'S

146. 44th PRESIDENT.

147. WELL, WHAT AN HONOR —

148. RIGHT HERE, SIR.

149. PRESIDENT?

150. YES.

151. OF THE UNITED STATES?

152. YES.

153. OF AMERICA?

154. YES.

155. ON EARTH?

156. YES.

157. LOOK, I AGREED TO SEE YOU AS

158. SOON AS I LEARNED OF YOUR

159. PROBLEM.

160. OH, YES, OF COURSE.

161. WELL, I'M GLAD YOU —

162. I CAN HELP YOU FINISH THE

163. CONSTITUTION.

164. THE WHAT'S-TO-WHO-TION?

165. THE CONSTITUTION, SIR.

166. DON'T WORRY.

167. I'VE GOT IT COMMITTED TO MEMORY.

168. OH, YES, OF COURSE.

169. UM... LET'S SEE.

170. I WAS STUCK ON THE OPENING.

171. UM..."WE THE BLAH-DEE-BLAHS"...

172. "PEOPLE," SIR.

173. "WE THE PEOPLE."

174. AH, YES. PERFECT.

175. NICELY DONE. THANKS.

176. WELL, IF THAT'S ALL, I GUESS

177. YOU'LL BE ON YOUR WAY, THEN.

178. YES. GOODBYE!

179. PENIS!

180. OH, ACTUALLY, THERE IS ONE

181. MORE LITTLE THING.

182. YES, SIR?

183. I, UM... NEED YOUR... UM...

184. MR. JEFFERSON

185. NEEDS TO GRAFT YOUR PENIS ONTO

186. HIS BODY SO HE CAN BETTER

187. SATISFY THE BLACK WOMEN ON HIS

188. PLANTATION.

189. YOUR... SLAVES, YOU MEAN.

190. SEMANTICS.

191. HMM.

192. OKAY, I'LL DO IT.

193. YOU WILL?

194. YES.

195. SEE, YOU'RE A FOUNDING FATHER.

196. ALL SIDES MUST COME TOGETHER AND

197. SET ASIDE THEIR DIFFERENCES IF

198. WE'RE EVER GONNA GET ANYTHING

199. DONE.

200. FOR AT THIS PIVOTAL STAGE IN

201. AMERICAN HISTORY —

202. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, WHATEVER.

203. ARE YOU BIG AND BLACK?

204. WELL, NO ONE'S EVER

205. COMPLAINED ABOUT MY SIZE.

206. BUT I MUST USE FULL DISCLOSURE.

207. MY MOTHER WAS WHITE.

208. WELL, THAT MAKES PERFECT

209. SENSE.

210. YOUR MOTHER WAS WHITE.

211. I —

212. YOUR MOTHER WAS WHITE?

213. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

214. IT WAS CONSENSUAL, SIR.

215. LET'S GO GET

216. WILT CHAMBERLAIN.

217. I'VE BEEN READING ABOUT HIM.

218. I THINK HE'S PERFECT.

219. YES, LET'S GO

220. TO THE L.A. FORUM IN 1973 AND

221. CATCH US THIS... BASKETEER.

222. WILT CHAMBERLAIN?

223. HO HO!

224. I'M LIKE A KID IN A CANDY STORE!

225. KEEP IT IN YOUR

226. PANTS.

227. HOW CAN I KEEP IT IN MY PANTS

228. WHEN IT'S NOT EVEN IN MY PANTS

229. YET?

230. HA HA!

231. LOOK! THERE HE IS!

232. WILT CHAMBERLAIN.

233. THIS IMPRESSIVE SPECIMEN HAS

234. ONCE AGAIN THRUST HIS ATHLETIC

235. PROWESS INTO THE WET, WARM WALLS

236. OF VICTORY.

237. HOW DO YOU DO IT, WILT?

238. IT'S JUST CONFIDENCE, HOWARD.

239. I'VE BEEN SECURE WITH MY MANHOOD

240. IN EVERY WAY.

241. OKAY, LET'S SEE WILT'S STILT.

242. WHO COULD KNOW?

243. HE'S GOT SUCH BIG FEET.

244. I TOLD YOU

245. GUYS!

246. SORRY ABOUT THIS, EVERYBODY.

247. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED, SIR!

248. YOU GUYS SHOULD TRY

249. GARY COLEMAN.

250. BELIEVE ME.

251. COLEMAN? I'M ON IT!

252. THANKS FOR THE PENIS.

253. WHAT YOU IMPLYIN'?

254. [ STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERS,

255. APPLAUDS ]

256. IT'S MOVING.

257. IT'S MOVING!

258. IT'S ALIVE!

259. ALIVE!

260. MUST YOU ALWAYS DO

261. THAT?

262. YEAH, BUT IT'S

263. FUNNY THIS TIME BECAUSE IT'S HIS

264. PEE-PEE.

265. PENIS AND DOODLE-DOO!

266. OH. HERE HE COME.

267. GOOD EVENING.

268. I'M TELLING YOU, THIS THING IS A

269. DUD.

270. THEY STILL ACT LIKE THEY'RE NOT

271. INTO IT.

272. MR. JEFFERSON, PERHAPS IT

273. ISN'T THE PENIS.

274. PERHAPS YOU NEED ADDITIONAL

275. BLACK ATTRIBUTES TO COMPLEMENT

276. THE PENIS.

277. YEAH, LIKE TWO PENISES.

278. NO.

279. LOOK, RACE IS MORE THAN JUST A

280. PENIS OR TWO.

281. THRE PENISES.

282. NO! GET PAST THE PENISES.

283. I THINK I KNOW

284. WHAT PRESIDENT OBAMA IS SAYING.

285. WE NEED TO DISSECT DIFFERENT

286. SPECIFIC FEATURES FROM SEVERAL

287. BLACK MEN AND MAKE YOU INTO A

288. BLACK EQUIVALENT OF MY

289. MULTI-CADAVERED CREATURE!

290. FOU PENISES!

291. MAYBE IF YOU TRIED A LITTLE

292. RESPECT AND —

293. YGOR, FOLLOW

294. ME!

295. WE HAVE SOME INTER-CHRONOLOGICAL

296. KIDNAPPING TO DO!

297. YOU GOT IT!

298. I GIVE YOU THE

299. BROTHER OF FRANKENSTEIN.

300. OH, BOY!

301. THE HANDS OF O.J., THE HEART OF

302. FREDERICK DOUGLASS!

303. THE VOICE OF

304. BARRY WHITE.

305. I CAN'T FAIL!

306. LOOK, I-I-I REALLY THINK

307. YOU'RE GOING DOWN THE WRONG ROAD

308. HERE.

309. OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW,

310. HALF-BLACK?

311. MR. OBAMA'S RIGHT.

312. OH, GREAT.

313. ONE GUY AGREES WITH ME AND IT

314. HAS TO BE IKE TURNER.

315. SEE, YOU GOT IT IN YOUR HEAD

316. THE WAY TO PLEASE A WOMAN IS TO

317. SHOW HER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO

318. PLEASE HER.

319. AND, MY BROTHER, NOTHING COULD

320. BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.

321. I DON'T THINK I FOLLOW.

322. IT'S LIKE THIS.

323. HANDS WHEN YOU'RE HITTING ON HER

324. NO, NO, NO.

325. THAT'S NONSENSE.

326. YOU'RE GOING DOWN THE —

327. WHEN SHE'S SERVICING YOUR

328. PRINCE CHARMING, WITH A KISS,

329. BRILLIANT!

330. SO I DON'T NEED A BIG, BLACK

331. PENIS OR ANY OF YOUR BODY PARTS

332. AFTER ALL.

333. THAT'S RIGHT.

334. YOU GOT IT.

335. GREAT!

336. I GUESS DR. FRANKENSTEIN CAN

337. JUST RETURN THEM ALL TO THEIR

338. ORIGINAL —

339. OH.

340. UM...

341. ANYWAY... BACK TO 1776.

342. I'VE GOT SOME NOT-CARING TO DO.

343. WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE

344. SELF-EVIDENT — THAT ALL MEN ARE

345. CREATED EQUALLY SUPERIOR TO THE

346. WOMAN.

347. CAN YOU DIG IT?

348. NO, HE DIDN'T.

349. THAT THEY ARE WELL-ENDOWED BY

350. THEIR CREATOR, MR. GOD, WITH

351. CERTAIN UNALIENABLE RIGHTS, THAT

352. AMONG THESE ARE LIFE, LIBERTY,

353. AND THE PURSUIT OF WET, WARM —

354. SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

355. I'M TALKIN' ABOUT

356. MEN-DEPENDENCE.