1. Previously
on Malcolm in the Middle...Copy !req
2. Baby's a little bit
bigger than expected.Copy !req
3. So we're going
to induce labor on Thursday.Copy !req
4. Festival of Brides?Copy !req
5. I just dropped 15 bucks
on parking.Copy !req
6. We're going in.Copy !req
7. Baby just started
kicking like crazy.Copy !req
8. It's almost like
something was
upsetting...Copy !req
9. Mom!Copy !req
10. I'm moving in.Copy !req
11. Everybody decent?Copy !req
12. God, I'm having a contraction.
I'm going into labor.Copy !req
13. What?
I have to get to the hospital.Copy !req
14. Got it on
the oldies station.Copy !req
15. They're doing a
Beatles "A" to "Z."Copy !req
16. So I'm just going
to make myself some teaCopy !req
17. and relax until you get here.Copy !req
18. These contractions
are coming so close together!Copy !req
19. Oh!Copy !req
20. Lois, you have to stop
doing that.Copy !req
21. You are really
freaking me out.Copy !req
22. Yeah, me, too, Lois.
And I'm a doctor.Copy !req
23. We can't wait for Hal anymore.Copy !req
24. We've got to go
to the hospital now!Copy !req
25. You really think
you're ever goingCopy !req
26. to see your husband again?
Mom!Copy !req
27. He's a man, isn't he?Copy !req
28. He's had his way with you.Copy !req
29. What's he need
to stick around for?Copy !req
30. Look, if you're not going
to have the decencyCopy !req
31. to choke on the fumes
of your own bile,Copy !req
32. can you at least
take your poison
over to Aunt Susan's?Copy !req
33. Did she ask me to come?
Did she call you?
No.Copy !req
34. No, of course not.
She only wants to see me suffer.Copy !req
35. Can you imagine
how she's laughing at me,Copy !req
36. knowing that now I'm stuck
with you as my favorite.Copy !req
37. Knock, knock.Copy !req
38. Lois, I need to borrow
a coat hanger.Copy !req
39. I dropped my sandwich
underneath my car seat.Copy !req
40. What's going on here?Copy !req
41. Lois is in labor,
and Hal's not here.Copy !req
42. I have dreamed of this moment!Copy !req
43. Here's what
we're going to do.Copy !req
44. I'm going to carry you
in my arms to my van.Copy !req
45. I have one of the three
original sirens from
Starsky and Hutch.Copy !req
46. I can make that trip
in seven minutes flat.Copy !req
47. You're talking crazy!Copy !req
48. There were only two sirens
used in that entire series,Copy !req
49. and they're both
in the Smithsonian.Copy !req
50. Au contraire.
There were four sirens.Copy !req
51. Oh, Hal, where are you?Copy !req
52. Well, let's go!
Your mother's in labor!Copy !req
53. We just wasted 45 minutes
in the security office.Copy !req
54. Just our luck—
we get a rent-a-copCopy !req
55. trying to make sergeant.Copy !req
56. I think he made you
pee in that jar just
because he could.Copy !req
57. You boys have really outdone
yourselves this time.Copy !req
58. Now, I'm going to take your mom
to the hospital,Copy !req
59. and I'm not going
to hear one wordCopy !req
60. out of any of you until we come
back with the baby.Copy !req
61. Okay, Dr. Kerr's going
to meet you at the hospital.Copy !req
62. The guys are packing your bag,Copy !req
63. and Craig is cleaning out
his car to make room for you.Copy !req
64. Two more tripsCopy !req
65. and we're good to go.Copy !req
66. We're ready.Copy !req
67. What are you
doing with all
those suitcases?Copy !req
68. I told you she didn't need
both sundresses.Copy !req
69. Hey, don't look at me.Copy !req
70. When I fly, I take one
carry-on. That's it.Copy !req
71. I'm ready to go to the hospital.
What?Copy !req
72. You're not going
to the hospital.Copy !req
73. I'm not going?
You're not going.Copy !req
74. Oh, you want to go to
the hospital so bad?Copy !req
75. I'll send you
to the hospital.Copy !req
76. I'll send you
to the hospital!Copy !req
77. Nobody's going to the hospital!Copy !req
78. It's too late.Copy !req
79. Somebody call the paramedics.
I'm having the baby here.Copy !req
80. Boys, call me a taxi,Copy !req
81. and then call Dr. Kerr, let him
know your mom's in labor.Copy !req
82. He's in the book.Copy !req
83. Then call AAA...Copy !req
84. Dad, calm down.Copy !req
85. I will not calm down!Copy !req
86. Hello. Hello? Oh!Copy !req
87. Hello! Lois?Copy !req
88. What? Honey!Copy !req
89. Sir, stop moving.Copy !req
90. What'd she say?Copy !req
91. My wife's at home, and she's
having our baby right now!Copy !req
92. I have to get home to her!Copy !req
93. She's having the
baby at home?Copy !req
94. Sir, you're not going anywhere
in the shape you're in.Copy !req
95. Give him ten milligrams
of diazepam.Copy !req
96. Let me out of here.Copy !req
97. I'm fine! Wait. What is that?Copy !req
98. What-what is that?Copy !req
99. Wha-What does that do?Copy !req
100. Breathe in a bit.Copy !req
101. I've got to get home to her!Copy !req
102. Give him ten more.
I want him immobilized.Copy !req
103. Why don't you boys
come with me?Copy !req
104. We have all sortsCopy !req
105. of fun magazines
in the waiting area.Copy !req
106. You like Highlights?
You like "Goofus and Gallant"?Copy !req
107. We don't want to read
stupid magazines.Copy !req
108. Our mom is
having a baby!Copy !req
109. I'm sure she's being
very well taken care of,Copy !req
110. and so's your father,Copy !req
111. so there's nothing
for you boys to doCopy !req
112. but relax and wait for someone
to come and get you.Copy !req
113. But we have to do something.
This is all our fault.Copy !req
114. You're obviously
very upset young men,Copy !req
115. and frankly, I have no idea
how to deal with you.Copy !req
116. That's why
I'm not in pediatrics.Copy !req
117. Now, let's go
into the waiting roomCopy !req
118. like I told you.Copy !req
119. If you don't want
to look at magazines,Copy !req
120. I'm sure there's a chair
you can spin around in.Copy !req
121. My God, what does
this woman weigh?Copy !req
122. I'm losing my grip
on her thigh!Copy !req
123. Let's get her
to the bed!Copy !req
124. Let's get her in
there! Let's go!Copy !req
125. Move it, move it,
move it!Copy !req
126. All right, all right, all right!
Count of three, count of three.Copy !req
127. One, two... three!Copy !req
128. That was like movingCopy !req
129. a concert grand.
Just relax, Mom.Copy !req
130. The paramedics will be here soon
and they'll know what to do.Copy !req
131. Don't worry, Lois,
I just Googled the word "baby."Copy !req
132. Here we go. 28 million matches—
there ought to beCopy !req
133. something useful in there.
Craig, get off
that thing.Copy !req
134. We don't need it.
Trey's a doctor.Copy !req
135. Oh, no, Lois, I'm a dentist.Copy !req
136. But you have medical training,
don't you?Copy !req
137. Yes, but I took up dentistryCopy !req
138. specifically because...
well, that area down there,Copy !req
139. whe-when I look at it,
I get giggly.Copy !req
140. I just do...Copy !req
141. since high school.Copy !req
142. Oh, for God's sakes.Copy !req
143. I doubt I'm the only one.Copy !req
144. The paramedics are... oh.
Hi, is Malcolm home?Copy !req
145. No, and we're in...
I just need to use his notes
for my biochem homework.Copy !req
146. This really isn't
a good time.Copy !req
147. You don't say hello
to your own grandmother?Copy !req
148. I'm not Malcolm.
We've been through
this before.Copy !req
149. Oh, God, the baby
is pressing downCopy !req
150. so hard on my cervix!Copy !req
151. Well, good, looks
like everything's
under control here.Copy !req
152. Piama and I are
going to head outCopy !req
153. back to the ranch.Copy !req
154. What are you talking about?Copy !req
155. Nothing!
You think I'm running away?Copy !req
156. You think being here
when my own mother gives birthCopy !req
157. is-is making me
so intensely uncomfortableCopy !req
158. I've made up a fake excuse
to leave?Copy !req
159. That is not even
a tiny bit true.Copy !req
160. Okay, clothes for babies,
names for babies,Copy !req
161. truck drivers dressed like...
ew.Copy !req
162. Excuse me, can
somebody help meCopy !req
163. find Malcolm's
biochem notes?Copy !req
164. I need themCopy !req
165. to do my assignment.Copy !req
166. Get out of here, Lloyd!Copy !req
167. I'm in labor!
I'm about to give birth!Copy !req
168. It's a really important
assignment.Copy !req
169. We are the worst kids
in the world.Copy !req
170. Mom was right.Copy !req
171. We really are evil little trolls
who have absolutelyCopy !req
172. no consideration
for anythingCopy !req
173. but ourselves,Copy !req
174. and destroy everything
we come in contact with,Copy !req
175. and we're lucky if we don't
end up in prison or dead.Copy !req
176. Here's what we're going to do.Copy !req
177. There's a class that starts hereCopy !req
178. in ten minutes.Copy !req
179. It's all about how to be parents
to newborn babies.Copy !req
180. We're going to take it.Copy !req
181. What are you talking about?Copy !req
182. We're going to learn
how to help out.Copy !req
183. We're going to learn
how to be good for once.Copy !req
184. All right!
Yeah, this baby's
not going to getCopy !req
185. dropped on its head
all the time.Copy !req
186. Yeah!Copy !req
187. What?Copy !req
188. Take a deep breath,
and blow it outCopy !req
189. like you're blowing out
a candle.Copy !req
190. Oh!
Oh!Copy !req
191. Oh!
Oh, my God!Copy !req
192. I thought my fingers
were going to explode!Copy !req
193. Way to breathe through it.
Hey, hey,Copy !req
194. I found something!Copy !req
195. There's been a slight increase
in the incidenceCopy !req
196. of babies born with a tail.Copy !req
197. I wonder if that makes it easier
to tell when they're happy?Copy !req
198. Where the hell
are those paramedics?Copy !req
199. They'll be here
any second.Copy !req
200. Steve called themCopy !req
201. ten minutes ago.Copy !req
202. Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
203. That's what I did
ten minutes ago.Copy !req
204. So, when did you get
this wallpaper?Copy !req
205. So, anyway,Copy !req
206. we just feel awful,Copy !req
207. and that's why we really
want to take this class.Copy !req
208. Oh, my God,
you should feel awful.Copy !req
209. You're horrible children.Copy !req
210. That's our point.Copy !req
211. Well, I supposeCopy !req
212. everyone deserves
another chance.Copy !req
213. All right, you can
take the class.Copy !req
214. Thank you.
Ah, we're in.
Yes!Copy !req
215. When your milk duct is blocked,Copy !req
216. it's called mastitis.Copy !req
217. It's important
that you let your babyCopy !req
218. suck the obstruction
out of the breast,Copy !req
219. and don't be alarmed
if the baby then vomits upCopy !req
220. a cottage cheese-type substance.Copy !req
221. Now, join me over here...Copy !req
222. Like I needed another reason
to hate cottage cheese.Copy !req
223. I've been kind
of zoning in
and out here,Copy !req
224. but did she just
say milk comes out
of those things?Copy !req
225. Reese, that's what
they're for.Copy !req
226. My God!Copy !req
227. Women are the cows of people!Copy !req
228. Oh!Copy !req
229. I'm coming, Lois.Copy !req
230. I'm coming, Lois!Copy !req
231. I'm coming,
Lois!Copy !req
232. I'm coming, Lois!Copy !req
233. I'm coming, Lois!
I'm coming!Copy !req
234. I'm coming, Lois!Copy !req
235. I'm coming!Copy !req
236. I'm coming, Lois!
I'm coming!Copy !req
237. I'm c...Copy !req
238. I'm coming...Copy !req
239. Lois.Copy !req
240. Here, I brought some towelsCopy !req
241. to put under
your knees.Copy !req
242. Oh, Piama,Copy !req
243. don't use the good towels.Copy !req
244. What does she
know about towels?Copy !req
245. Her people dried themselves off
by throwing dirt on their backs.Copy !req
246. Thank you, Piama.Copy !req
247. Thank you very much.Copy !req
248. I'm sureCopy !req
249. the paramedics will come
get you very soon,Copy !req
250. and before they do,Copy !req
251. there's something
I want you to know.Copy !req
252. Your father had
a second family.Copy !req
253. What?Copy !req
254. This slutty cocktail
waitress in Manitoba.Copy !req
255. She was nothing
but a pig,Copy !req
256. and the children that
came out of her...Copy !req
257. Why are you
telling me this now?Copy !req
258. In case you die,Copy !req
259. I don't want you
thinking of himCopy !req
260. as a decent man,Copy !req
261. but don't tell your sister.Copy !req
262. Let her stew
in her own ignorance.Copy !req
263. I only tell this
to my favorite.Copy !req
264. What are you doing?Copy !req
265. Building calms me down, okay?Copy !req
266. We're all trying to find
ways to cope with this.Copy !req
267. Yes, Francis, I'm trying
to cope with this pregnancyCopy !req
268. by giving birth!Copy !req
269. Excuse me. I'm
working quietly.Copy !req
270. I'd appreciate itCopy !req
271. if you could work
quietly, too.Copy !req
272. Got to get out...Copy !req
273. I gotta get out.Copy !req
274. I gotta get out.Copy !req
275. H-Hey!Copy !req
276. How's it going?Copy !req
277. You gotta get me
out of here.Copy !req
278. I don't belong in here.Copy !req
279. I have to get home.Copy !req
280. It's okay, little fellow.
You'll be fine...Copy !req
281. as long as someone claims you
in the next six hours.Copy !req
282. Six hours?
What happens then?Copy !req
283. Wait! What happens then?Copy !req
284. Oh, boys!Copy !req
285. Boys!Copy !req
286. Over here.
Pick me, pick me.Copy !req
287. Wow, look at this guy.Copy !req
288. Yeah!Copy !req
289. That is the ugliest dog
I've ever seen.Copy !req
290. What did he roll in?Copy !req
291. I'm gonna be sick.Copy !req
292. Oh, look at this one.Copy !req
293. No! No, please come back.Copy !req
294. Please, please, please!Copy !req
295. Can someone shut
this yappy one up?Copy !req
296. That's right, Dewey.Copy !req
297. Come back to Daddy.
Pick Daddy.Copy !req
298. Can we take this one's collar
and put it on the good one?Copy !req
299. Collar?Copy !req
300. What?Copy !req
301. No! No!Copy !req
302. No!Copy !req
303. No! No! No!Copy !req
304. My biggest fear...
is that I won't beCopy !req
305. a good big brother.Copy !req
306. Babies are born stupidCopy !req
307. and they're
really counting on you.Copy !req
308. They'll touch stuff
they shouldn't.Copy !req
309. They'll eat anything.Copy !req
310. I'd say half of all our Legos
have been through this kid.Copy !req
311. Probably more.Copy !req
312. Can I get a new baby?Copy !req
313. Lois, Let go!Copy !req
314. Or at least
grab his hand!Copy !req
315. They say that childbirthCopy !req
316. is the most painful thing
a person can go through.Copy !req
317. With a little light pancake,
you could pass.Copy !req
318. You don't have to hang out
with the other ones, you know.Copy !req
319. Okay, you know what?Copy !req
320. See, here's the thing...Copy !req
321. Lady...
we're better than you.Copy !req
322. Every one of us in every way.Copy !req
323. I'm smarter than you,Copy !req
324. more educated, and
I contribute more to society.Copy !req
325. I have a familyCopy !req
326. that loves me.Copy !req
327. I live in a big house,Copy !req
328. drive a nice car
and make more money in a yearCopy !req
329. than you've probably made
your whole lifetime.Copy !req
330. Big deal.
So you're a drug dealer.Copy !req
331. Booga-booga!Copy !req
332. Hal, where are you?Copy !req
333. Put the ice on it.Copy !req
334. The paramedics'll
be here any minute,Copy !req
335. so just hang on.Copy !req
336. I can't hang on.Copy !req
337. It doesn't work
like that.Copy !req
338. This baby is coming now.Copy !req
339. Lois, you don't want
to push until you'reCopy !req
340. at least ten
centimeters dilated.Copy !req
341. Well, take a look if you want.Copy !req
342. Uh... I-I...Copy !req
343. I'd be happy to
look in your mouth.Copy !req
344. Do you know those animals are
in your backyard right nowCopy !req
345. pacing back and forth
like it's Africa?Copy !req
346. When this is my room,Copy !req
347. they don't come
within 20 feet of the door.Copy !req
348. Oh, I can't believe she's
here. I can't believeCopy !req
349. my sister picked now
to have a fight with her.Copy !req
350. I can't believe
I'm going to haveCopy !req
351. to move into
the boys' room.Copy !req
352. Calm down.Copy !req
353. Does your sister knowCopy !req
354. your mom is dying?Copy !req
355. What are you
talking about?Copy !req
356. Does your sister know your
mother has a fatal diseaseCopy !req
357. that she's been hidingCopy !req
358. and this might be
her last chanceCopy !req
359. to make peace?Copy !req
360. With her mother.Copy !req
361. Who's dying.Copy !req
362. Wipe.Copy !req
363. Cream.Copy !req
364. Ready.Copy !req
365. Done!
Yeah!Copy !req
366. Number one.Copy !req
367. In your face!Copy !req
368. We're just learningCopy !req
369. how to take care
of our babies.Copy !req
370. That's loser talk.Copy !req
371. We're gonna be
the best big brothers ever.Copy !req
372. We aced Diaper and we
totally owned Tub Time.Copy !req
373. I'm so glad I memorizedCopy !req
374. all the common
household chemicalsCopy !req
375. that can be poisonous
to the baby.Copy !req
376. You know, all this stuff
parents have to do...Copy !req
377. all the feedings
and bathingsCopy !req
378. and diaperingsCopy !req
379. and safety stuff
and scheduling—Copy !req
380. just made me realize.Copy !req
381. Mom never did any of this.Copy !req
382. There's a bottle of this
on our headboard.Copy !req
383. No wonder we turned out
the way we did.Copy !req
384. It's six months,
maybe a year.Copy !req
385. I'm gonna need
that computer.Copy !req
386. Not today, squirt.
Lois is about to have a baby,Copy !req
387. and I'm in charge of research.Copy !req
388. She's hot.Copy !req
389. I can't work with someone
looking over my shoulder.Copy !req
390. Well, I'll see
if I can find her.Copy !req
391. Mother! Telephone!Copy !req
392. Is the border station
going to return my rifle?Copy !req
393. Hello?Copy !req
394. Yes?Copy !req
395. Oh, I'm glad
to hear you say that.Copy !req
396. No, I'm fine.Copy !req
397. I'm here with you-know-who,
and she's doing...Copy !req
398. you-know-what.Copy !req
399. Again. Yeah.Copy !req
400. Where are the paramedics?Copy !req
401. These contractions
are too close to time.Copy !req
402. Francis, this baby's going
to be born any minute.Copy !req
403. I want you to do
something for me.Copy !req
404. What do you want me to do?Copy !req
405. I want you to deliver the baby.Copy !req
406. What?Copy !req
407. No.Copy !req
408. You can do it.Copy !req
409. You've done it
before.Copy !req
410. You deliver barn
animals all the time.Copy !req
411. You're not a
barn animal.Copy !req
412. Francis, your father isn't here;Copy !req
413. you're the only person I trust.Copy !req
414. You don't even like me.Copy !req
415. But I love you,
which is whyCopy !req
416. you're going
to do this.Copy !req
417. No! You can't make me!Copy !req
418. Francis, your mother
is asking for your help.Copy !req
419. Francis.Copy !req
420. You can do this.Copy !req
421. You know that you can.Copy !req
422. Now, you're going
to put your handsCopy !req
423. inside of Mommy
and take outCopy !req
424. this baby!Copy !req
425. Lois.Copy !req
426. Oh, Lois.Copy !req
427. I finally found you.Copy !req
428. Oh, I missed the baby.Copy !req
429. It's okay.Copy !req
430. The baby is fine, Hal.Copy !req
431. Honey, I'm the worst husband
in the world.Copy !req
432. I can't believe
how terrible I am.Copy !req
433. Oh...Copy !req
434. I can't believe I made you
go through this alone.Copy !req
435. I wish I could have been there.Copy !req
436. You were there, Hal.Copy !req
437. I was?Copy !req
438. We're a part of each other.Copy !req
439. Wherever I go, you're there.Copy !req
440. You are always with me.Copy !req
441. I love you.Copy !req
442. Oh, my God, what
is that man doing?Copy !req
443. What?Copy !req
444. Get that sicko off of her.Copy !req
445. What? Lois? Are you...?Copy !req
446. Someone call the police.Copy !req
447. Dad!Copy !req
448. Oh, my God!Copy !req
449. What the hell
are you doing?Copy !req
450. Can you see the head?Copy !req
451. Not yet.Copy !req
452. You're not even looking.Copy !req
453. Is it starting
to crown?Copy !req
454. Uh... yes.Copy !req
455. That's good. That's good.Copy !req
456. God, I can't believeCopy !req
457. I'm looking at... this.Copy !req
458. I'm going to die.Copy !req
459. If the head is completely
crowning, it's okay to push.Copy !req
460. If anyone calls,
I'll be at your sister's.Copy !req
461. No, don't worry.
I'll let myself out.Copy !req
462. Come on, Lois. Come on.Copy !req
463. Ew!Copy !req
464. Ew!Copy !req
465. Ew!Copy !req
466. Was that the...?Copy !req
467. I got it. I got it.Copy !req
468. Oh, my God.Copy !req
469. I got it!Copy !req
470. Yes!Copy !req
471. It's here.Copy !req
472. Put it on her chest.Copy !req
473. Oh.Copy !req
474. Hi, baby.Copy !req
475. Hi.Copy !req
476. Hi, baby.Copy !req
477. Oh, thank you, Francis.Copy !req
478. This is the nicest thing
you've ever done for me.Copy !req
479. I am so proud of you.Copy !req
480. You can go vomit now.Copy !req
481. Way to go.Copy !req
482. Here he comes.
There he is.Copy !req
483. Well, is itCopy !req
484. a boy or a girl?Copy !req
485. It's a beautiful,
healthy baby...Copy !req
486. Aw...Copy !req
487. I knew it!Copy !req
488. Oh, that's all right.Copy !req
489. Hi there.Copy !req
490. I'm your mommy.Copy !req
491. Okay, so who's having the baby?Copy !req
492. I told you we shouldn't
have stopped for coffee.Copy !req
493. Oh, I've forgotten
how small they are.Copy !req
494. I forgot
how good they smell.Copy !req
495. Yeah.Copy !req
496. Okay, hand it over.Copy !req
497. It's 5:30.Copy !req
498. It's time for the baby's
sponge bath.Copy !req
499. Look how full
this diaper is.Copy !req
500. When was the last time
you changed it?Copy !req
501. Have you at least come up
with a name yet?Copy !req
502. Yes. Jamie.Copy !req
503. It fits.Copy !req
504. We'll come back
when your udders are ready.Copy !req