1. Ah, shoot.Copy !req
2. I was going to go
outside this weekend.Copy !req
3. Maybe the weather's better
on channel seven.Copy !req
4. Hey, Alison.Copy !req
5. Okay, here's
your book report.Copy !req
6. It's a guaranteed "A."Copy !req
7. Thank you.Copy !req
8. Oh, I totally
forgot to do mine.Copy !req
9. And I can't afford to get
another "F."Copy !req
10. No problem.Copy !req
11. Now we'll both
get "C's."Copy !req
12. Malcolm! Briefcase!Copy !req
13. Dewey! Work pants! Ready.Copy !req
14. Reese! Vest!Copy !req
15. Mom's baby doctor won't let her
come home for a few weeks,Copy !req
16. and since she's not working,
Dad had to get a second job.Copy !req
17. It's really crazy.Copy !req
18. But mostly, it's just funny.Copy !req
19. I have hired a new baby-sitter
for you boys.Copy !req
20. She should be here any minute.Copy !req
21. What? What do we need
a baby-sitter for?Copy !req
22. Because I want to house
to be where I left it.Copy !req
23. There she is.Copy !req
24. Jessica?
Hi.Copy !req
25. Hi, Reese. Hi, Malcolm.Copy !req
26. You know each other?Copy !req
27. She's in my class, Dad.Copy !req
28. She's a year
younger than me.Copy !req
29. I'll be darned.Copy !req
30. No way is she baby-sitting.Copy !req
31. She's younger than me.Copy !req
32. She's older than me.Copy !req
33. Shut up, Dewey.Copy !req
34. Look, kids,
I'm sorry for the mix-up,Copy !req
35. but today is my first day,
and I can't be late.Copy !req
36. So we're just going
to have to pull togetherCopy !req
37. and make
the best of it.Copy !req
38. It's going to be
a little embarrassing,Copy !req
39. I'll grant you that,Copy !req
40. but ten years from now
you'll look back and laugh.Copy !req
41. In college, I had
a poli-sci teacher who wasCopy !req
42. worst dresser in the world.Copy !req
43. Why, he was always taking
so much time to get ready...Copy !req
44. Wow, this is weird.Copy !req
45. So, you go set the table,
and you two wash up for dinner.Copy !req
46. Okay.Copy !req
47. Excuse me.
This is so exciting.Copy !req
48. Oh, look, a light.Copy !req
49. And-and what are these
marvelous things?Copy !req
50. C clamps.
The C clamp!Copy !req
51. Oh, Otto, it's like a dream.Copy !req
52. Oh, Francis, what
a brilliant idea,Copy !req
53. opening our doors
to the film industry.Copy !req
54. It was no big deal.Copy !req
55. When Patrick said he wanted
to direct a movie here,Copy !req
56. all I said was, "Sure."Copy !req
57. It's not like it's
a big budget movie or anything.Copy !req
58. Don't belittle yourself,
Francis.Copy !req
59. They will tell their
friends at the Brown Derby.Copy !req
60. Soon, bigger movies will come.Copy !req
61. And one day I will be
fluffing the pillowCopy !req
62. of Mr. Rutger Hauer.Copy !req
63. Excuse me.Copy !req
64. Are you an actress?
Guilty.Copy !req
65. I knew it. I've seen
you in something.Copy !req
66. I know I have.
What was it?Copy !req
67. Dirty Girls Down Under.Copy !req
68. Yes!Copy !req
69. No.Copy !req
70. That's the one I always get.Copy !req
71. I won a Bootie Award for
the Best Girl-On-Girl scene.Copy !req
72. This is it?Copy !req
73. No!Copy !req
74. Oh, Otto!Copy !req
75. No.Copy !req
76. No, no, no, no.Copy !req
77. All right, listen up.Copy !req
78. I want you guys
to meet Hal.Copy !req
79. Hi.
Hey.Copy !req
80. Hi, guys.Copy !req
81. These are the idiots.Copy !req
82. They're totally useless.Copy !req
83. I'm serious.
Whatever they do,Copy !req
84. you do the opposite.Copy !req
85. I don't know
what that was about,Copy !req
86. but I'm looking forward
to working with you guys.Copy !req
87. I'm sure you can teach me a lot.Copy !req
88. Can you help me?Copy !req
89. Oh, sure, ma'am.Copy !req
90. Is this a clock radio
or just a radio?Copy !req
91. Oh, uh, uh,
it's a clock radio.Copy !req
92. It's also a CD player.Copy !req
93. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
94. You're welcome.Copy !req
95. Did you see that?Copy !req
96. Did either of you
idiots see that?Copy !req
97. This guy's been on the job
two minutes, already he's doneCopy !req
98. more than the two of you
jackasses put together.Copy !req
99. I-I just read the sign.Copy !req
100. Either of you chowder heads
ever bother to read a sign?Copy !req
101. No, unlike you shiftless losers,Copy !req
102. this is a man
who's going to get meCopy !req
103. out of the hellhole of
assistant night manager!Copy !req
104. Thank you.Copy !req
105. So you guys have
a softball team?Copy !req
106. I don't understand
what relative density is.Copy !req
107. It's the weight of an object
compared to the weightCopy !req
108. of an equal volume of water.Copy !req
109. Oh, neat.Copy !req
110. Reese, you have
the next bath after Dewey.Copy !req
111. Two more
minutes, Dewey.Copy !req
112. Okay.Copy !req
113. You can't make me take a bath.Copy !req
114. I'll go outside and
roll in the mud,Copy !req
115. and I'll go to
bed that way.Copy !req
116. Come on, be a big boy.Copy !req
117. I'll take the tugboat,
and you can have the ducky.Copy !req
118. You think this is funny?Copy !req
119. It's kind of funny.Copy !req
120. Reese, I'll make
you a deal.Copy !req
121. Help me with the dishes, and
I won't make you take a bath.Copy !req
122. You can't make me do anything!Copy !req
123. Boy, Alison was right
about your temper.Copy !req
124. What are you talking about?Copy !req
125. Oh, she was kind of
saying that you were...Copy !req
126. You know what? Never mind.Copy !req
127. Is she mad at me?Copy !req
128. I wouldn't say mad.Copy !req
129. What'd she say?Copy !req
130. I probably shouldn't.Copy !req
131. No, no, no,
you have to.Copy !req
132. Give me that.Copy !req
133. Well, it wasn't really
what she said.Copy !req
134. It was more
the w she said it.Copy !req
135. Oh, that's baked on. You'll need
some cleanser for that.Copy !req
136. Oh, okay.Copy !req
137. Go on.Copy !req
138. Okay, Reese is easy,
but she's good.Copy !req
139. Otto...
Ooh, Francis.Copy !req
140. There's a problem
with this film.Copy !req
141. We heard about the actors
that didn't show up,Copy !req
142. but don't worry.Copy !req
143. They gave the part
to Gretchen.Copy !req
144. What? No!Copy !req
145. It's not a big part.Copy !req
146. I just walk in und say,Copy !req
147. "Looks like we're going
to need more towels."Copy !req
148. Und then I walk out.Copy !req
149. Do you have any idea
what kind of a movie this is?Copy !req
150. So it's an
independent film.Copy !req
151. If the Sundance Film Festival
has taught us anything,Copy !req
152. it is that the low budget film
can compete with the big boys.Copy !req
153. But this...
It doesn't matterCopy !req
154. what kind of movie it is.Copy !req
155. It makes me feel so-so good,
you know?Copy !req
156. I guess, like any little girl,Copy !req
157. I had dreams, ja,Copy !req
158. but they said I
wasn't pretty enough,Copy !req
159. and they said I
wasn't smart enough.Copy !req
160. Your mother was
a jealous cow.Copy !req
161. Thank you, Francis.Copy !req
162. I owe it all to you.Copy !req
163. Dad doesn't have time
to find us a new baby-sitter,Copy !req
164. so we're stuck with Jessica,
which is fine with me.Copy !req
165. I don't plan on spending
any time here anyway.Copy !req
166. Dewey, what are
you eating?Copy !req
167. Carrot sticks.Copy !req
168. Jessica says
we have to eat healthier.Copy !req
169. I don't what company
makes this stuff, but I hate it.Copy !req
170. Reese?
Don't step on the floor.Copy !req
171. Jessica said
if I scrubbed the floor,Copy !req
172. she'd tell me how far Alison's
willing to go with me.Copy !req
173. Oh, hi, Malcolm.Copy !req
174. Listen, I need you to make
a salad and set the table.Copy !req
175. Oh, that's interesting.Copy !req
176. I need you to do it yourselfCopy !req
177. because I'm going to a movie.Copy !req
178. On a school night?Copy !req
179. You really think
Hal would want you to?Copy !req
180. Well, he's not here,Copy !req
181. so if I want to go to a movie,
I'll go to a movie.Copy !req
182. You know, Malcolm,
I think Hal looks to you...Copy !req
183. Stop calling
him Hal.Copy !req
184. Look, don't think
you can control meCopy !req
185. the way you can these two.Copy !req
186. What are you talking about?Copy !req
187. I'm not saying
you don't have some skills.Copy !req
188. They're just wasted on me.Copy !req
189. I'm smarter than you.Copy !req
190. Smarter how?Copy !req
191. My brain just works
differently, okay?Copy !req
192. I can see what you're
doing and what you're
planning at the same time.Copy !req
193. So what, you have, like,
two brains?Copy !req
194. Of course not!Copy !req
195. Nobody has two brains.Copy !req
196. Look, do you know how
multitasking worksCopy !req
197. on a computer?Copy !req
198. Here, I'll draw
you a diagram.Copy !req
199. Let's say this circle
is your conscious mindCopy !req
200. during a normal conversation.Copy !req
201. This intersecting circle
represents another track.Copy !req
202. Not opposed
to the first...Copy !req
203. Wait, wait, wait.
Slow down.Copy !req
204. For lack of a better term,
we'll call this track subtext.Copy !req
205. Now, with my brain,Copy !req
206. there can be four tracks
going at one time,Copy !req
207. plus one supervisor track
that keeps them all in line,Copy !req
208. unless you're
talking about...Copy !req
209. Hey, guys.Copy !req
210. So, when you're not at work,
what do you do for fun?Copy !req
211. Nothing.Copy !req
212. Yeah, me, too. Word.Copy !req
213. I hold in my hand two
tickets to Ozzfest.Copy !req
214. They go to our
tops salesman of the month.Copy !req
215. Hal!Copy !req
216. What?
Oh, man.Copy !req
217. You guys are pathetic.Copy !req
218. He beat you in one day.Copy !req
219. I just got lucky.Copy !req
220. Hey, you know what?
I really can't use these.Copy !req
221. If you guys
want to go...
Oh, no,Copy !req
222. I gave those
tickets to you.Copy !req
223. They're
nontransferable.Copy !req
224. We can't reward
these idiotsCopy !req
225. for standing around
doing nothing!Copy !req
226. Randy, let me...Copy !req
227. Randy, I'm not trying
to tell you how to
do your job,Copy !req
228. but sometimes
a little...Copy !req
229. Are-are-are they
doing that at me?Copy !req
230. You know what that sound is?Copy !req
231. That's the sound of success.Copy !req
232. And sometimes
my thoughts are,Copy !req
233. like, three-dimensional.Copy !req
234. I can almost reach out
and touch them.Copy !req
235. Or they could just be
pure logic, like...Copy !req
236. Malcolm, it's getting late.Copy !req
237. Is it?Copy !req
238. Oh, man, the movie
was over an hour ago.Copy !req
239. Huh.Copy !req
240. Well, anyway, I'm glad to knowCopy !req
241. how much smarter
you are than me.Copy !req
242. Okay, Jessica has taken over
the house,Copy !req
243. and we need to get it back.Copy !req
244. She can't get
away with this.Copy !req
245. Once she finishes laying out
our clothes for tomorrow,Copy !req
246. she's dead meat.Copy !req
247. No more early bedtimes,Copy !req
248. and no more being
a Clean Plate Ranger.Copy !req
249. Then we're agreed...Copy !req
250. it ends now.Copy !req
251. You know, I
really am tired.Copy !req
252. Me, too. 8:00 is pretty late.Copy !req
253. And I'm really much better
at making someone dead meatCopy !req
254. after I've had
a good night's sleep.Copy !req
255. But tomorrow...Copy !req
256. She's going down.Copy !req
257. No question.Copy !req
258. Did everyone brush our teeth?Copy !req
259. Excuse me, Patrick?Copy !req
260. Can I talk to you
about Gretchen?Copy !req
261. I love Gretchen.Copy !req
262. She's just like my mom,Copy !req
263. except she's not
a 60-year-old stripper.Copy !req
264. Look, I didn't know
when I booked your companyCopy !req
265. that you made... porn.Copy !req
266. My problem is GretchenCopy !req
267. really has her heart
set on doing this, and...Copy !req
268. I don't want to call
the police.Copy !req
269. Oh, I get it.Copy !req
270. So, what's your pleasure—
Debbie or Lance?Copy !req
271. No! No, that's not
what I'm talking about.Copy !req
272. I just have
a little rewrite.Copy !req
273. Rewrite?Copy !req
274. Let me explain something
to you—Copy !req
275. these people are not actors.Copy !req
276. You can't just change
the words on them
at the last second.Copy !req
277. Just look it over.
It's only a little different.Copy !req
278. Uh, Sicilian volcano,
four letters.Copy !req
279. Etna.Copy !req
280. A-T...Copy !req
281. E-T-N-A.Copy !req
282. We haven't managed
to get rid of Jessica yet,Copy !req
283. but we've been putting
the screws to her pretty good.Copy !req
284. It's just a question of time.Copy !req
285. Your tea.Copy !req
286. Thank you, Malcolm.Copy !req
287. Isn't he sweet?Copy !req
288. All right, boys, bedtime!Copy !req
289. No way!Copy !req
290. No, I want to stay up
and do more sew...Copy !req
291. Oh, my God!Copy !req
292. Boys. They're overtired.Copy !req
293. Excuse me.Copy !req
294. All right. Get your butts
in your bed right now,Copy !req
295. or I'll tell
everyone you know...Copy !req
296. that you walk around
in your mother's shoes.Copy !req
297. But that's a secret!Copy !req
298. And I'll tell AlisonCopy !req
299. you spent an hour
on the phone with Cindy Reid.Copy !req
300. Oh, now it's a crime
to be a good listener?Copy !req
301. And a certain boy genius takes
Pro-Gro Bodybuilding Supplement.Copy !req
302. I do not.Copy !req
303. "Bulk up now,
watch the ladies say wow."Copy !req
304. No one will believe you.Copy !req
305. Maybe not. We'll just leave it
to the tough,Copy !req
306. but always fair, court
of high school public opinion.Copy !req
307. For the love of God,Copy !req
308. it's 7:30.Copy !req
309. We're supposed
to be tougher than her.Copy !req
310. Well, Malcolm's supposed
to be smarter than her.Copy !req
311. I am smarter
than her.Copy !req
312. She just caught me off
guard a couple of times.Copy !req
313. I'll come up
with something.Copy !req
314. Something heinous,
something brutal.Copy !req
315. Dewey, get your
footy pajamas.Copy !req
316. I'm not wearing those.Copy !req
317. Do you want to spend
the rest of your lifeCopy !req
318. trying to remember what
chocolate tastes like?Copy !req
319. And take
Professor Cuddles.Copy !req
320. Dewey, what are
you doing up?Copy !req
321. I'm trying to be a big boy,
but... I miss my mommy.Copy !req
322. Aww...Copy !req
323. Come here, honey.Copy !req
324. Awww...Copy !req
325. Okay, he's asleep.Copy !req
326. Whose turn was it?Copy !req
327. Yours. Truth or dare?Copy !req
328. Truth.Copy !req
329. What is your deepest,
darkest secret?Copy !req
330. Well...Copy !req
331. Attention shoppers:
the store is now closed.Copy !req
332. Please bring your purchases...Copy !req
333. I mean, don't I seem
likable to you?Copy !req
334. I don't seem like
a suck-up, do I?Copy !req
335. Throughout our conversation
here, I haven't usedCopy !req
336. any unnecessary
compliments, have I?Copy !req
337. I just want a toaster.Copy !req
338. I haven't once saidCopy !req
339. that you have a
square jaw or a
beautiful voice.Copy !req
340. Even if I think so,Copy !req
341. I didn't say it.Copy !req
342. Hang on a second.Copy !req
343. Hey... hey, guys. Guys!Copy !req
344. Hey, hey, you want
to go get a beer?Copy !req
345. I'm buying.Copy !req
346. We kind
of have plans.Copy !req
347. Oh. Where you going?Copy !req
348. Party. I mean, nowhere.Copy !req
349. Nowhere interesting.Copy !req
350. You know, just some
other guys...Copy !req
351. From work.Copy !req
352. Hey! Well, I'm
a guy from work.Copy !req
353. Uh, why don't I
follow you there?Copy !req
354. That sounds like
a lot of fun.Copy !req
355. Yeah, okay.Copy !req
356. Way to go.Copy !req
357. Randy, I-I know you
asked me to help
you close up,Copy !req
358. but I'm feeling
a little bit ill.Copy !req
359. You want to go to that party.Copy !req
360. No, no, I...Copy !req
361. Hal, look, I don't
know why you careCopy !req
362. what those guys think,Copy !req
363. but I'm going to protect
you from yourself.Copy !req
364. I'm really not
feeling well.Copy !req
365. Hal, you need
to make a choice.Copy !req
366. Do you really want
to jeopardize your jobCopy !req
367. just to make friendsCopy !req
368. with a bunch
of brain-dead idiots?Copy !req
369. Guys!Copy !req
370. Wait up!Copy !req
371. I won't let you do it, Hal!Copy !req
372. I can't believe they're
letting us watch them film.Copy !req
373. Okay, and uh...Copy !req
374. action!Copy !req
375. Room service.Copy !req
376. Mmm, I really
need some service.Copy !req
377. Where do you
want me to...Copy !req
378. put it?Copy !req
379. Anywhere you want to... put it.Copy !req
380. Well, I want to put it here.Copy !req
381. Oh, yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
382. And...Copy !req
383. here.Copy !req
384. Yeah, that's even better.Copy !req
385. Mmm. Yeah.Copy !req
386. Can anyone join in?Copy !req
387. Yeah.Copy !req
388. That's it.Copy !req
389. You're the best.Copy !req
390. Looks like we're going
to need more towels!Copy !req
391. And cut.Copy !req
392. Bravo!Copy !req
393. Can we get back
to work now?Copy !req
394. I'm shooting my sister's
wedding in six hours.Copy !req
395. Sure. Thank you.Copy !req
396. The cinemaCopy !req
397. has a brilliant
new light,Copy !req
398. and her name is
Gretchen Mannkusser.Copy !req
399. Oh, Otto!Copy !req
400. You were great.Copy !req
401. Really?
I don't know.Copy !req
402. I found that whole scene
was kind of stupidCopy !req
403. and pointless.Copy !req
404. You know what
would have helped?Copy !req
405. Some sex.Copy !req
406. Ja, ja, ja.Copy !req
407. But you know
these Americans—Copy !req
408. they have lots
of hang-ups, eh?Copy !req
409. Night.Copy !req
410. Oh, come back tomorrow.Copy !req
411. I'll have the boys
make stroganoff.Copy !req
412. Dewey, I thought
you were asleep.Copy !req
413. You thought a lot of things.Copy !req
414. What are you boys doing dressed?Copy !req
415. You want
to handle this?Copy !req
416. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
417. Where are you going?Copy !req
418. Come back here!Copy !req
419. I'm calling Alison!Copy !req
420. Are you going to tell her
you said she was stupid,Copy !req
421. and you're only friends with her
to borrow her clothes?Copy !req
422. Why, you little...Copy !req
423. Or would you rather
call your parentsCopy !req
424. and tell them
you're the oneCopy !req
425. who stole your
grandmother's ring?Copy !req
426. Okay, here's how
it's going to work:Copy !req
427. Reese and I
are going out,Copy !req
428. and you're gonna
tell my dadCopy !req
429. we were here
the whole time.Copy !req
430. You're gonna stay
here with Dewey,Copy !req
431. and wait on him
hand and foot.Copy !req
432. I want a sundae
and then some pizza.Copy !req
433. And then another pizza
and then a pizza sundae.Copy !req
434. Let's face it—
you had this coming.Copy !req
435. If I were you,
I'd learn something from this.Copy !req
436. You have to realize
when you're over-matched.Copy !req
437. What are you doing?Copy !req
438. Just get out of here.Copy !req
439. Hey, you're the one who...Copy !req
440. Look, don't cry.Copy !req
441. I can do whatever I want.
I'm horrible.Copy !req
442. Everybody hates me.Copy !req
443. No, they don't.Copy !req
444. Well, they should.Copy !req
445. I don't know why
I'm like this. I just...Copy !req
446. It's okay...
it's okay.Copy !req
447. Hey, guys.Copy !req
448. Sure beats the hellCopy !req
449. out of working,
am I right?Copy !req
450. Don't you have
a family?Copy !req
451. Hey! Who's up for
a Tijuana carwash, huh?Copy !req
452. Right here.
Yeah, me, too, me, too!Copy !req
453. I am totally up
for a Tijuana car wash.Copy !req
454. Dude, have you ever done
a Tijuana car wash?Copy !req
455. Have I ever done
a Tijuana carwash?Copy !req
456. Okay, him first.Copy !req
457. Car wash, car wash!Copy !req
458. Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
459. That was
awesome, man!Copy !req
460. Whoo, that
was hilarious!Copy !req
461. That was
hilarious.Copy !req
462. I can't believe
you did that.Copy !req
463. Well, you know...
party guy... me.Copy !req
464. Can I get you a beer?Copy !req
465. I'm good.Copy !req
466. Everyone get out of here!Copy !req
467. My parents are back from Maui!Copy !req
468. Did they see you?Copy !req
469. I don't think so.Copy !req
470. What am I doing?Copy !req
471. What the hell am I doing?Copy !req
472. There's no reason
for me to be here.Copy !req
473. You're an idiot.Copy !req
474. Your friends are idiots.Copy !req
475. Everyone jammed into
this playhouse is an idiot.Copy !req
476. You just called
yourself an idiot.Copy !req
477. I think I'm going
to be sick.Copy !req
478. I know you guys.Copy !req
479. I used to be one of you
before my family.Copy !req
480. Now thanks to them, I know
what's really important,Copy !req
481. and it's not what
you think of me,Copy !req
482. it's what they think of me.Copy !req
483. Thank God for my wife.Copy !req
484. Thank God for my kids.Copy !req
485. You're welcome.Copy !req
486. Reese?Copy !req
487. Can I get a ride home with you?Copy !req
488. I used to think
I was so smart.Copy !req
489. But I'm just selfish.Copy !req
490. Here.Copy !req
491. Drink this.Copy !req
492. Thank you.Copy !req
493. I'll tell you
one thing—Copy !req
494. you made me take
a good, hard
look at myself,Copy !req
495. and I don't like
what I see.Copy !req
496. Look, you're not a bad person.Copy !req
497. I didn't mean
to put you through this.Copy !req
498. I was just trying to...
We're back!Copy !req
499. Dad, Reese, what are you...?Copy !req
500. What time is it?Copy !req
501. Listen, Jessica,
you've been a big help,Copy !req
502. but tonight's going to be
your last night.Copy !req
503. I don't have that
job anymore— sorry.Copy !req
504. It's okay.Copy !req
505. It was a lot
of fun.Copy !req
506. They're good kids.Copy !req
507. Bye.Copy !req
508. Wh...
All right,Copy !req
509. the two of you— get to bed.Copy !req
510. Dude, you missed
an awesome party.Copy !req
511. Wait, she didn't...Copy !req
512. I'm smarter than...Copy !req
513. She...Copy !req
514. Okay, I'm just going to call it
a tie and go to bed.Copy !req