Malcolm in the Middle 1x5

Directed by Jeff Melman

Ashley Edner as Kelly • Eric Stonestreet as Phil • Karim Prince as Stanley • Joan McMurtrey as Mrs. Inkster • Mark Tymchyshyn as Mr. Inkster

Malcolm's cushy babysitting job provides relief from the trailer the family's using while their house is being fumigated, until Malcolm learns that the trust placed in him in his new position is strictly limited. Meanwhile, the military school's master key leads Francis to a corpse, for which he provides a proper send-off.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. (fighting and screaming

2. on video game)

3. Pass the chips, please.

4. Here you go.

5. Thank you.

6. You're welcome.

7. Wow, that was

8. a really great move.

9. My head just went flying.

10. Thank you.

11. You're welcome.

12. I told you boys

13. these games are too violent.

14. Here, watch something

15. wholesome.

16. Give me more chips!

17. Get your own, doofus!

18. Shut up! I'm watching!

19. You shut up!

20. I want more chips!

21. Here!

22. $90 for a toy?

23. It's not a toy.

24. It's a robotics kit.

25. You build a little

26. mechanical rover.

27. It teaches you about

28. electronics and engineering.

29. Does it teach you

30. to pick up your socks?

31. 'Cause that I'd be

32. interested in.

33. Besides, son,

34. robots are evil.

35. What?

36. Westworld,

37. Terminator,

38. the creepy maid

39. from The Jetsons...

40. how much scientific

41. proof do you need?

42. Mom!

43. Malcolm, no!

44. Look, if you want

45. this thing so badly,

46. you pay for it

47. with your own money.

48. You're gonna start babysitting

49. next week, just save up.

50. I don't even know

51. what they're gonna pay me!

52. I'll tell you what

53. they're gonna pay you.

54. They're gonna pay you

55. what all jobs pay—

56. less than you're worth

57. and just enough to keep you

58. crawling back for more.

59. Now go on. It's bedtime.

60. That's the way discussions

61. go down in this family.

62. I tell them my needs

63. and they say no.

64. Then dad reveals

65. another cartoon character

66. he's afraid of.

67. Hey, how much time

68. do you think we have?

69. Not long enough

70. for that look.

71. You butt-wipe!

72. That's my toothbrush.

73. So use mine.

74. You can't just take

75. someone's toothbrush.

76. Give me that.

77. Fine.

78. Oops.

79. Hal... that is the third bug

80. I've seen today.

81. You have got to call

82. the exterminator!

83. What, and miss out

84. on watching you hunt?

85. You're like a sexy,

86. bug-killing panther.

87. Malcolm, stop!

88. That's it!

89. Bedtime was

90. 20 minutes ago.

91. Go to bed!

92. Go to bed!

93. Bed!

94. Hal, bring the spray!

95. I haven't rinsed yet.

96. Only boys who behave

97. themselves get to rinse.

98. Honestly, every night

99. we go through this!

100. Mom, can I have a story?

101. Once upon a time

102. there was a little boy

103. who made his mother

104. so crazy

105. she decided to sell him

106. to the circus.

107. An evil circus?

108. No, a nice one with monkeys.

109. Thank you.

110. Ah, wait, wait, wait, wait,

111. I think I see

112. where they're coming from.

113. Ah, you cannot hide.

114. Aw... look at...

115. Aw!

116. Oh! Ooh!

117. Oh!

118. Aah! Aah! Just...

119. Okay, come on, boys.

120. We're all camping out

121. in the den tonight.

122. Here we go.

123. Hey, Francis, aren't

124. you going to open up

125. your mom's care package?

126. Give me a minute.

127. I'm still savoring this.

128. I swiped Commandant Spangler's

129. master key.

130. It opens every door

131. in the academy, Stanley.

132. Every door.

133. You know, I think

134. it's cookies.

135. Who cares?

136. I'm about to expose

137. every secret sin

138. this place conceals

139. to the harsh light of day.

140. So, can I open it?

141. Yeah.

142. So, what'd my mom send me?

143. Bug-infested cookies.

144. As usual, a mixed message.

145. And this is the living room.

146. This is the biggest, nicest

147. house I've ever seen!

148. Wow!

149. Homocanthus imperator.

150. We call him Barney.

151. Malcolm?

152. We saved you some dinner.

153. Dinner? Me? Saved?

154. Dinner?

155. We weren't sure which

156. you liked better—

157. turkey or roast beef— so

158. we fixed you a platter.

159. Platter?

160. Okay, kids,

161. what time is it?

162. Bedtime!

163. Bedtime!

164. Yay!

165. I'll race you!

166. They're going to bed?

167. So you're just paying me

168. to hang out here

169. for three hours?

170. Well, maybe three and a half.

171. We'll round up to

172. four, of course.

173. Come on,

174. there's got to be a catch!

175. Oh, and Malcolm,

176. you can't watch television...

177. unless you turn on

178. the satellite first.

179. Otherwise, all you'll

180. get is pornography.

181. It's weird...

182. I think I'm having a spasm.

183. The muscles in my face

184. keep pulling on my mouth.

185. Oh, I think I'm happy!

186. I just don't understand

187. how it got so bad so fast.

188. Well, it's been

189. pretty hot this year.

190. That's part of it, but, uh...

191. mostly it's that giant

192. pile of candy wrappers

193. and half-eaten cereal boxes

194. you have in your crawl space.

195. It's like there's some kind of

196. creepy hobo living down there.

197. Whoa...

198. there really

199. is a lost bomb shelter.

200. Wow, this is almost

201. as exciting

202. as that room full

203. of folding chairs.

204. Let's get out of here!

205. Aw, come on, Francis.

206. Don't you want to explore?

207. We might find

208. the abandoned furnace room

209. or the old civil war amputorium.

210. I didn't want to say this

211. before, but you've confirmed it.

212. Marlin Academy is the most

213. boring place on earth.

214. We're not gonna find

215. anything interesting.

216. I take that back.

217. Look, the circus!

218. The circus is at our house!

219. Well, say good-bye

220. for a few days, boys.

221. We're moving out.

222. This is humiliating.

223. Why can't we just stay

224. at a nice hotel?

225. Because we're giving all our

226. money to the exterminators

227. so they can stay in nice hotels.

228. Craig?

229. Thank you so much

230. for lending us your trailer.

231. Oh, I'm just glad

232. someone's finally

233. getting some

234. use out of it.

235. I bought it 15 years ago

236. to take on my honeymoon.

237. You were married?

238. No, I live on hope.

239. Well... thanks again.

240. You're welcome.

241. Bye.

242. Good-bye.

243. Aw, this is cozy!

244. It's 150 degrees in here!

245. My butt is sweating.

246. Ah, it just needs

247. to air out a little.

248. The trailer!

249. Come on, let's make

250. the best of this.

251. I'm going to go babysit.

252. It's still early.

253. They don't mind.

254. They paying you okay?

255. Yeah.

256. It's okay.

257. I can't believe how much

258. these people are paying me!

259. I did the math.

260. I'm actually making more

261. an hour than mom does.

262. I got to stop doing this.

263. It's creepy, right?

264. "Lester."

265. Looks like he

266. was the janitor.

267. How long you think

268. he's been down here?

269. I'd say May of '85.

270. You can tell that by tasting?

271. No, the date on the newspaper.

272. Then why did you lick him?

273. How often do you get

274. to taste a mummy?

275. We should tell

276. someone about him.

277. Uh, no, you can't do that.

278. Commandant will know

279. you took the key,

280. and he'll punish you.

281. And then he'll punish me.

282. And I'm gonna have

283. to punish you.

284. Yeah, but don't you think

285. that's kind of sad?

286. I mean, Lester's family will

287. never know what happened to him.

288. They probably still set a place

289. for him on holidays.

290. Yeah, well, judging by

291. the empty scotch bottles

292. and German dungeon porn,

293. I don't think so.

294. Damn. Beta.

295. And you made fun of me

296. when I bought

297. this mesh underwear.

298. Who looks like an idiot now?

299. I stand corrected.

300. Close the door.

301. Were you raised in a barn?

302. But it's cooler outside.

303. Are you sure?

304. Yeah.

305. Well...

306. I don't know.

307. I don't know.

308. Will you please

309. make up your mind?

310. There's no need

311. for that kind of tone.

312. It wasn't a tone.

313. There it is again.

314. Look, Hal, it's hot.

315. We're all cranky.

316. Will you please just drop it?

317. Fine!

318. I think

319. you should apologize.

320. Oh, you know, I didn't hear

321. you apologizing to me

322. when you used up all the

323. liquid in the chemical toilet.

324. Well, we have

325. your taco casserole

326. to thank for that, don't we?

327. Boys, will you step

328. outside for a second?

329. Your father and I need

330. a little privacy.

331. Shoo!

332. Look, I didn't want to say

333. anything in front of the boys.

334. But you are behaving

335. like a giant ass!

336. Oh, really?

337. Well, as long as we're

338. on the subject of giant asses...

339. I'm ready to go.

340. Hey, you want

341. to see something?

342. That's okay; I don't

343. want to break it.

344. Ah, don't be silly.

345. Come, take a look.

346. Wow.

347. That's a spiral galaxy.

348. These people are amazing.

349. They're rich, they're smart,

350. they're polite.

351. What are they gonna do next,

352. give me a million dollars?

353. Malcolm, do you want

354. a million dollars?

355. What?

356. I said, do you want

357. a sandwich to take home?

358. Oh. Close enough.

359. I only asked out your sister

360. because you said

361. you weren't interested!

362. And I was thinking of you

363. the whole time!

364. Aw, don't give me that!

365. I saw the charm bracelet!

366. This isn't even mine!

367. What, are you insane?

368. You're throwing out stuff

369. that's not even mine!

370. What are you looking at?

371. Hey, this is a private

372. conversation, buster!

373. Huh?

374. Oh, yeah, like you've

375. never seen this before!

376. My mistake.

377. I'm on the next street over.

378. You were right about Lester.

379. I checked him out—

380. no wife, no kids.

381. Poor guy didn't have

382. a friend in the world.

383. Here you go,

384. Lester, buddy.

385. Did you tell anyone

386. about this place?

387. No.

388. Huh.

389. Must've been me, then.

390. All right, that's enough!

391. Party's over!

392. Don't you guys have

393. any respect for the dead?

394. You took his wallet!

395. Lester would've wanted me

396. to have his I.D.

397. But that's not the point.

398. This man was not just

399. an alcoholic pervert janitor.

400. He was one of us!

401. He hated the commandant

402. as much as we do.

403. He was filled

404. with impudent rage, like we are.

405. This man was a hero.

406. And heroes do not rot alone

407. in basements.

408. They're immortalized in song.

409. They were sent off to Valhalla

410. in flaming ships!

411. They are not put

412. in beer hats

413. or used as photo props

414. or given fake mustaches.

415. Oh, man!

416. That wasn't fake.

417. My bad.

418. What do we do now?

419. Go for the spare.

420. Up higher, Dewey.

421. Reese, vertical, vertical!

422. I already adjusted...

423. Go like this.

424. I know, but this...

425. Push the button harder.

426. Francis, I'm sorry

427. I'm calling you so late.

428. I had to talk to someone.

429. Hey, no problem.

430. What's going on?

431. I don't know.

432. Do you ever feel like you don't

433. really belong in the family?

434. Dude, I'm in military school.

435. I think that question's

436. been answered.

437. Right.

438. This is good.

439. At least someone else

440. in the family is normal.

441. Hey, listen,

442. while I got you, um...

443. you're in school

444. with all those science brains.

445. How would you reattach a head

446. to a dead body?

447. Keep it down!

448. Huh?

449. Don't talk to your

450. mother like that!

451. Would you go sit

452. in the corner?

453. There are no corners!

454. You ready to make up?

455. No.

456. Me, neither.

457. Oh, hello, son.

458. You know, I barely

459. see you anymore.

460. That babysitting has turned

461. into a full-time job.

462. Well, sometimes I just

463. go over there to hang out

464. and watch TV.

465. Live in a house.

466. Dad, does this seem okay to you?

467. Gosh, no.

468. Your mother and I

469. have never fought

470. for this long before.

471. It's been days, and we

472. still haven't made up.

473. I don't even know

474. what the problem is.

475. Nah, something's missing.

476. Boy...

477. look at that sky, Malcolm.

478. Just think,

479. somewhere out there

480. in all those stars and planets,

481. there might be

482. at this very moment

483. a space dad

484. who just got kicked out

485. of his space trailer,

486. who's looking down at us.

487. Or would it be up at us?

488. Or maybe sideways?

489. Trust me, Dad.

490. They're all looking down on us.

491. The matinee

492. gets out at 4:00,

493. so we should be back

494. before dinner.

495. Okay. What do you want me

496. to feed the kids for lunch?

497. Hmm, whatever you want.

498. We trust you.

499. They trust me!

500. People like this trust me!

501. I obviously have to say

502. something nice back to them.

503. This is why my family sucks.

504. I have no training in this.

505. This job...

506. me... like.

507. We're thrilled to have

508. found you, Malcolm.

509. The kids love you.

510. You're great

511. to have around.

512. You've really become

513. one of the family.

514. I may not have been

515. switched at birth,

516. but I should have been.

517. I love these people.

518. Okay, come on.

519. Wait a minute.

520. Sorry.

521. Well...

522. let's see what our

523. little friend did today.

524. Oh, hi.

525. Don't worry.

526. I'd never hurt Barney.

527. He's part of the family.

528. Just like I'm part

529. of the family, right?

530. And since a big part

531. of this family

532. is being such a huge phony

533. and launching

534. secret investigations

535. against each other,

536. I thought I'd join in.

537. Personal computers

538. are great.

539. You can file tax returns,

540. medical records,

541. embarrassing private e-mail.

542. Little security tip,

543. though.

544. Never use your birthday

545. as your password.

546. And hiding things

547. in a fake salt can?

548. That's just silly.

549. I don't know who Melissa is,

550. but she sure wears

551. a lot of lipstick.

552. Anyway, I think

553. I hear you guys

554. pulling up in the driveway.

555. So let's just leave it at this:

556. I quit.

557. Bye.

558. Who's Melissa?

559. Hi, son.

560. Didn't hear you drive up.

561. I decided to walk.

562. So, how's the job going?

563. They were jerks, so I quit.

564. Well, that's pretty much

565. what work is.

566. Welcome to the club.

567. Dad?

568. Hmm?

569. I'm really sorry.

570. What? About quitting?

571. Ah... no big deal,

572. especially for you.

573. Malcolm, you should set

574. your sights as high as you can.

575. If anyone in this family has

576. a shot at greatness, it's you.

577. Just, uh... do me a favor, huh?

578. Look after your brothers?

579. Okay, wait, wait.

580. You mean everything

581. you just said, right?

582. Why would I say something

583. I didn't mean?

584. See? That's what

585. I'm talking about.

586. This family may be

587. rude, loud and gross

588. and have no shame

589. whatsoever.

590. Anyway, with them

591. you know where you stand,

592. and when I have a problem,

593. they're always there.

594. Oh, my Lord.

595. Sex!

596. Things didn't work out so bad.

597. I made enough money

598. to get my robotics kit.

599. Or maybe I should do

600. something nice for my family.

601. Take them to dinner...

602. treat them to a movie.

603. Naw, then I couldn't do this.

604. If you don't

605. change your underwear,

606. this is exactly

607. what happens.

608. Like the ancient civilizations

609. before us,

610. we send off this noble man

611. with the riches he had in life

612. so he may enjoy them

613. in the afterlife.

614. Farewell, noble Lester.

615. It's burning really fast.

616. How much gas did you use?

617. Half a can.

618. Where'd you put the can?

619. Oh.

620. Look.

621. It's heading

622. toward the boathouse.

623. What do you think?

624. Run?

625. Yeah. I'd run.

626. I figured it out.

627. Hal, you okay?

628. Yeah, shh, shh, shh.

629. Whenever we'd fight,

630. you'd yell, then I'd yell,

631. but then we would...

632. you know.

633. Well, you see,

634. we haven't had a chance to

635. because we're in a trailer

636. with kids and we can't...

637. Oh, my God, Hal,

638. you're right.

639. What are we going to do?

640. We got the kids...

641. No, n-no, I got it

642. all figured out.