Malcolm in the Middle 1x13

Directed by Ken Kwapis

Karim Prince as Stanley • José Espinoza as Cadet Jose • Craig Lamar Traylor as Stevie Kenarban • Drew Powell as Drew • Ryan Allen Carrillo as Roller Skater

Roller-skating lessons from Hal bug Malcolm, who rebels against dad's discipline while mom agonizes in bed from a backache she blames on Reese. Francis avoids his squad's survival weekend.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. This isn't fair.

2. Yes, it is.

3. It's absolutely fair.

4. I'm getting hungry.

5. We're doing it my way.

6. They're getting cold.

7. You want them

8. divided up fairly or not?

9. You have more than me.

10. No, I don't.

11. We all have 29 inches

12. of fries so far.

13. I have two four-inchers,

14. five three-inchers

15. and three two-inchers.

16. You have five five-inchers

17. and a four-incher.

18. They're exactly the same.

19. Dewey!

20. Okay, we're going to assume

21. this was a four-incher

22. from the share pile.

23. 117 minus three,

24. times 29, divided by three,

25. minus...

26. We each take a two-inch bite

27. out of this one.

28. Last week, we

29. had curly fries.

30. It took us

31. three hours.

32. Good job, Don!

33. Center it!

34. Aw, man.

35. He's wide open!

36. Shoot, shoot!

37. There it is!

38. In your... face.

39. I got it, I got it!

40. Car!

41. Good... game.

42. This... sucks.

43. You... mocking me?

44. No... tired.

45. Get... skates.

46. Can't.

47. Dad.

48. My dad was some kind

49. of skating champion

50. a long time ago.

51. He made a rule—

52. no one in the family

53. could buy skates until after

54. they take lessons from him.

55. So take... the lessons.

56. You don't get it.

57. My dad's, like, a total

58. fanatic about skating.

59. He doesn't even

60. call it skating.

61. He calls it...

62. "The Brotherhood

63. of the Wheel."

64. He taught Francis

65. and Reese,

66. and they've never

67. been the same after.

68. Gretzky shoots!

69. He scores!

70. He laughs

71. at the other Canadians!

72. Hey, Reese, remember

73. when Dad taught you

74. how to skate?

75. I don't want to talk about it.

76. Why can't you just tell me

77. what it was like?

78. One, I'm not

79. supposed to,

80. and two, I don't even like

81. to think about it.

82. It makes me cry.

83. Hey, hey, hey!

84. What's wrong with you?

85. You know you're not supposed

86. to skate in the house.

87. Why? Everyone else

88. in the world gets to.

89. Wait a minute.

90. Somebody stepped in something.

91. Oh, my God.

92. Oh, my God! What a mess!

93. Reese...

94. what did you roll in?

95. Oh, man.

96. You have to admit,

97. it is kind of funny—

98. yelling so loud you actually

99. throw out your back.

100. Just try to relax.

101. Got the baby monitor

102. all set up here.

103. Now, if you need

104. anything, just holler—

105. but not too loud—

106. and I will get on it.

107. Oh, God.

108. Sorry. Sorry.

109. Oh, God.

110. Lois, why don't you just take

111. the pain medicine

112. the doctor gave you?

113. Because they make me loopy.

114. I will not have this house

115. come crashing down around me

116. because I'm hopped up

117. on goofballs.

118. Mom, I'm really sorry.

119. Are you okay?

120. Oh, Reese, come to mama.

121. Closer, sweetheart.

122. Are you happy

123. you crippled your mother?

124. Mom...

125. Are you?

126. Mom. Mom. Ow!

127. Survival weekend?

128. What does that mean?

129. That means we

130. get to spend

131. two whole days out

132. in the wilderness

133. with limited supplies

134. and no food.

135. You're kidding, right?

136. No.

137. It's an excellent way to learn

138. basic survival techniques.

139. It's two days in the woods.

140. Our parents are paying

141. for room and board.

142. Where does that money go?

143. Sounds like a big scam.

144. Maybe so, but you're doing it.

145. What?

146. Francis, I let you

147. blow off a lot of things

148. around here,

149. but this is something

150. I believe in.

151. It's a character builder.

152. I think it'll be good for you.

153. How could it be good for me?

154. No food, no shelter.

155. No broken clavicles.

156. That's something

157. inside me, right?

158. What are you doing?

159. Nothing.

160. Get a glass.

161. Don't you dare!

162. When I get well, I am going

163. to beat you blue, mister.

164. Get a glass!

165. All right. Okay.

166. Can I have some milk?

167. Yes, but get a glass.

168. Okay.

169. Hello, Francis.

170. I have a problem.

171. I need your advice.

172. Trust me, pal, whatever

173. you're going through

174. is not half as bad

175. as what I'm facing.

176. I'm thinking of asking Dad

177. for skating lessons.

178. Why does everyone do that?

179. What does he do?

180. Look, if I told you,

181. you'd just freak out,

182. but if you think you're ready,

183. my advice is

184. to get it over with quickly.

185. It's like pulling a giant

186. Band-Aid off your crotch.

187. I'm going to have a Band-Aid

188. on my crotch?

189. Who are you

190. talking to?

191. Francis.

192. Hi, sweetie.

193. Hi, Mom.

194. Oh, I am in such pain

195. because of my back.

196. Doctor says I have to stay

197. in bed for at least three days

198. Mom...

199. with my leg up on a pillow

200. and then I'm supposed

201. to put ice on it.

202. Ice, not heat.

203. Look, Mom.

204. Have you ever heard

205. of such a thing?

206. I never heard of such a thing.

207. That doesn't make

208. any sense to me.

209. Oh, thanks, honey.

210. Here we go.

211. One more thing.

212. Huh?

213. Yeah?

214. Stop trying to drug my food.

215. Oh.

216. Where was I?

217. Francis?

218. Where wa...?

219. Uh, your back.

220. Oh, yeah.

221. So they say that my fourth

222. and fifth vertebrae

223. are out of alignment.

224. Apparently my shoulder muscles

225. are asymmetrical.

226. I mean, did you ever hear

227. of such a thing?

228. They say it's genetic.

229. It's the first case

230. of scream-induced

231. back trauma they've ever seen.

232. I swear, they paraded

233. every Tom, Dick and Harry

234. through that room

235. to take a look at me.

236. And me, I'm just lying there

237. with that little flimsy

238. paper thing on me

239. with my rear end flapping in the

240. breeze for all the world to see.

241. Boys, they're called...

242. Gut-busters.

243. They take a sausage,

244. stuff it with cheese,

245. wrap it with bacon,

246. and shove it in

247. a deep-fat fryer

248. full of lard.

249. They're indescribable.

250. Bon appetit.

251. Malcolm, where

252. have you been?

253. You got to get

254. in on this.

255. Dad... I want skating lessons.

256. Son, do you know,

257. once you start

258. there's no going back?

259. I know.

260. This means

261. total commitment.

262. Once you begin the path,

263. there is no

264. leaving the path.

265. Are you sure you're

266. ready for that?

267. I mean really ready?

268. I-I guess so.

269. Neat.

270. We'll start tomorrow.

271. Come on, dig in

272. before they harden.

273. Let's do it.

274. Stretch.

275. Nose to knees,

276. nose to knees,

277. and... release.

278. Ooh.

279. You feeling a

280. little limber now?

281. Mostly I feel sleepy.

282. Well, we have

283. to start early.

284. We've got a lot of

285. ground to cover.

286. Rule number one:

287. you can't question my ways.

288. I'm the top skate-dog.

289. Understood?

290. You may not like my methods,

291. but let me just show you

292. what you can accomplish

293. if you stick with it.

294. Should I be impressed

295. or horrified?

296. Dad, that was unbelievable.

297. Whew! That routine won me a gold

298. medal, a macramé plant hanger,

299. and your mother's heart,

300. all in the same afternoon.

301. What to see your skates?

302. Yeah.

303. Come on.

304. I prefer

305. a Saratoga four-wide,

306. but I know

307. you kids like that

308. in-line stuff.

309. So...

310. Whoa! They're beautiful!

311. They are, aren't they?

312. Wait, I don't get to wear them?

313. Oh, no... you're not ready

314. for those just yet.

315. That's just your incentive.

316. One step

317. at a time, Malcolm.

318. Roll to the gold. Huh?

319. You're going to start

320. with these.

321. Why do I have to...

322. Ah-ah-ah.

323. Top skate-dog.

324. Now, let's see you skate

325. through those cones.

326. I don't have skates.

327. Your skates are in here.

328. Go on.

329. Glide... and glide...

330. let your arms work with—

331. slow down.

332. Slower.

333. Slower!

334. This is going to rule.

335. All I'm taking is a canteen,

336. a knife, my bedroll

337. and some emergency rations.

338. Wuss.

339. Canteen, knife,

340. survival blanket.

341. That's all?

342. Dude, hard-core.

343. Let's rock.

344. You ready?

345. Ready as I'll ever be.

346. What is it?

347. My back.

348. I can't move.

349. It happens sometimes.

350. It's genetic.

351. My shoulder muscles

352. are asymmetrical,

353. and it pulls my vertebrae

354. out of alignment.

355. I'll be fine.

356. I just need to ice it.

357. Which vertebrae?

358. Fourth and fifth.

359. All right.

360. Take him to his room.

361. Hands out front

362. so you get a balance.

363. Hold it... hold it.

364. Why am I doing this?

365. Stop clouding your mind.

366. This is a process.

367. Dad, it's street hockey,

368. not clown school.

369. Process... and one

370. and down and over.

371. When am I ever

372. going to use this?

373. Full range of motion,

374. and point and bump,

375. and point and bump,

376. and point and bump,

377. and then we glide.

378. How about my skates?

379. Can I at least

380. try on my skates?

381. Absolutely not.

382. You need at least

383. two more days.

384. Two days?

385. Uh-huh.

386. I know enough

387. to play a stupid game

388. of street hockey now.

389. That's all I care about.

390. Malcolm, we go at

391. the speed I say.

392. This is about safety

393. and proper technique.

394. But it doesn't

395. make any sense.

396. That's because you're not

397. in a skating state of mind.

398. Now, that's it. Okay?

399. We're done. Go home.

400. You know what?

401. Thanks to your attitude,

402. we are now a day behind.

403. Fine!

404. The boy's fighting me, Lois.

405. Oh, he's got the talent,

406. but he's reckless and wild.

407. Fine. I'll

408. talk to him.

409. That's not what I'm asking.

410. Well, that's what

411. going to ha...

412. Would you just take

413. the darn pill... dear?

414. I can't believe

415. he cut me off.

416. You questioned his ways.

417. Never question his ways.

418. That just makes it

419. take even longer.

420. You going to go

421. play hockey?

422. You bet.

423. I'll see you out there...

424. in a month or two.

425. I don't know how yet,

426. but there's definitely a way

427. I can justify this.

428. Malcolm!

429. Dang, I thought

430. I'd at least

431. get a few minutes in

432. before he busted me.

433. You know what?

434. Screw it.

435. I'm sick of this.

436. What do you think

437. you're doing?

438. Taking my skates

439. to go play hockey.

440. Absolutely not;

441. we had an agreement.

442. Agreement?

443. You just like

444. bossing me around!

445. And you like fighting me

446. every step of the way!

447. Because you're treating

448. me like a baby!

449. The stuff you're

450. teaching me is stupid.

451. Okay, that's it.

452. You just lost these, pal.

453. Oh, yeah? Well...

454. you.

455. You heard me.

456. Modeling isn't all glamour.

457. Sometimes you have to act like

458. it's hot when it's really cold.

459. People don't realize

460. how hard we work...

461. I am the only one who truly

462. understands you, Inga.

463. I cannot believe

464. you said that to Dad.

465. Oh, and by the way—

466. if you pass Francis

467. on your way to Siberia,

468. tell him I said hi.

469. Do you think he told Mom?

470. I wouldn't worry

471. about that.

472. Mom's feeling a lot better.

473. Dr. Reese paid her

474. a little visit.

475. What are you talking about?

476. Let's just say, pills

477. and sandwich— not effective;

478. pills and milk— effective.

479. I just, I just

480. don't get it.

481. I mean, I have always been

482. the good parent.

483. That's true.

484. I'm the nice one.

485. Yeah, that's true.

486. You're the bad one.

487. The system can't work

488. with two bad cops.

489. Oh, I hate cops.

490. Cops, eh...

491. You know what else

492. I hate?

493. Those what-do-you-

494. call-thems? Those, uh...

495. I just wasn't ready

496. for this from Malcolm.

497. soap salesmen.

498. Not yet. But he stepped

499. over the line

500. and I don't think

501. there's any way back.

502. I mean, it's not as if

503. I caught him with a cigarette

504. and can make him smoke

505. a whole carton.

506. You know what?

507. I hate bigots, too.

508. Oh, I hate bigots.

509. Malcolm has always

510. been different.

511. God, why can't he be

512. like his brothers?

513. Reese took a swing at me,

514. Francis took a swing at me—

515. that I can deal with.

516. Block, chop, they're on

517. the ground gasping for air.

518. It's over with.

519. But this is like... words.

520. I mean, you know what

521. I hate the most of all?

522. I hate those gigantic

523. pink...

524. Oh, thank God.

525. Smoking!

526. Uh, Houston, we are good to go.

527. Uh, roger that.

528. You are good to go

529. in five, four, three, two, one.

530. Go!

531. Whoo!

532. Hey... fellas!

533. Boy, has it been

534. two days already?

535. How was it, huh?

536. You just missed the big fire.

537. But, um, luckily I was here

538. to put it out.

539. Can I offer you

540. some cookie dough?

541. Come on, guys,

542. let's be reasonable.

543. I can't spend two days

544. in the woods tied to a chair.

545. Three days—

546. one extra for lying.

547. Well, at least lend me a jacket!

548. Or some food!

549. Dudes, come on!

550. You can't leave me out here

551. with nothing!

552. That was to me,

553. not at me, right?

554. Hal.

555. Honey, what are you

556. doing up?

557. Don't you "honey" me.

558. You slipped me drugs.

559. Oh!

560. You ought to be

561. ashamed of yourself,

562. getting Reese to sandbag me

563. like that.

564. "Would you like some milk,

565. Mother?"

566. The kid's never brought me

567. one thing in his entire life.

568. And don't think I can't

569. smell those Gut-busters

570. coming out of your pores.

571. You are back on rice cakes,

572. mister,

573. starting now!

574. Boys, your mother's mobile.

575. Malcolm, I need to see you

576. in the backyard.

577. Now, you said what you said,

578. and we can't change that.

579. And it isn't the kind of

580. thing that could be solved

581. with an apology or

582. a simple punishment.

583. But we do need to find a way

584. to get past this. Agreed?

585. I guess so.

586. Good. Now, here's

587. how I see it:

588. this whole thing stems

589. from you feeling like

590. I treat you like a child.

591. So...

592. what's this?

593. That is ten pages,

594. single-spaced,

595. of filthy name calling.

596. What?

597. They get worse

598. as they go along.

599. What am I supposed to do

600. with this?

601. Well, since you think

602. you're old enough

603. to use these kind of words,

604. I think you're old enough

605. to see the effect they have.

606. Malcolm, you are going

607. to look me in the eye

608. and say every last one

609. of these terrible things

610. to the man who held

611. you in his arms

612. the moment you were born.

613. But, Dad...

614. Uh-uh, I'm not your dad;

615. I'm, uh, here...

616. A stinkin' son of a...

617. To my face.

618. Continue.

619. I can't.

620. You see, son? Words hurt.

621. That's why you have

622. to use them carefully.

623. I understand, Dad.

624. I'm sorry.

625. Okay. I think you've

626. had enough.

627. No, wait. I can make it

628. through the whole list.

629. I'm not going to let

630. you down again.

631. Hole.

632. Good.

633. Very thorough.

634. Dad, will you please finish

635. teaching me how to skate?

636. Of course.

637. But let's not make eye contact

638. for a couple weeks.

639. You got it.

640. Aw, man.

641. Come on.

642. I know I look like an idiot,

643. but I'm kickin' ass!