Lois thinks Jamie is out to get her when Jamie knocks over a shelf and nearly crushes her.
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1. Mr. Hawkins? It's Hal.
2. Remember a few weeks ago, in the break room, when someone left the tin foil
on their burrito and the microwave caught fire and the sprinklers went off
and shorted out all the computers and we lost all our database for the last five years?
3. Yeah, well, I just thought you might like
to know who the "slack-jawed idiot" was.
4. Dad, Dad, you need four apples, not three!
5. You only won another lottery ticket!
6. It was Phil in accounting. He feels just awful about it,
and I wouldn't be too hard on him.
7. His wife's a bit of a drinker, and she's not particularly faithful...
8. Malcolm in the Middle - 6.08 - Lois Battles Jamie
9. Synchronisation par Doyle & Tyno,
Script original par Raceman.
10. I'm starving. I hope Mom has something decent for dinner.
11. I saw her pulling baloney stew out of the freezer last night.
12. Don't worry.
13. I stuck a bloody Band-Aid in it before we left.
14. Holy crap. Look at that!
15. Cool! A diving board!
16. Oh... my... God.
17. This is the greatest thing ever.
18. And someone just dumped it here for us to find.
19. We've got to take it home!
20. What are we gonna do with it?
21. I don't know.
22. But... look at it!
23. It's... it's got the... and it's... up and...
24. and bounce and... and bounce!
25. He's right. We need it.
26. One, two, three... go!
27. One, two, three... go!
28. One, two, three, go!
29. One, two, three, go!
30. Aah, Jamie, this is ridiculous!
31. You'll eat dead bugs out of the zapper, for God's sake,
why won't you eat your peas? You love peas!
32. Come on. This is name-brand stuff.
33. It's three times the price of the food I eat!
34. If you want to breathe, you have to open your mouth.
35. See? There's no reason for...
36. Now you're just going to have to eat some eyebrow, too.
37. Hi, honey.
38. Didn't you have the same fight with him at breakfast?
39. This is the same fight as breakfast.
40. It's the same jar of peas and it's the same
stubborn little boy who is not gonna get his own way.
41. That baby thinks he is gonna break me,
but he doesn't know who he's dealing with.
42. Hal,
43. I'm not about to lose it with a...
44. God, how does he do that?
45. One, two, three, go!
46. Please, we have to stop.
47. I have to empty the blood out of my shoes again.
48. One last time.
49. One, two, three, go!
50. This is gonna be so great!
51. This is the answer.
52. What's the question?
53. I don't know yet,
54. but this is definitely the answer.
55. Would you look at this?
56. Jamie poured flour in the dryer.
57. Now I get to wear a loaf of bread to work tomorrow.
58. He destroys everything!
59. He's absolutely the worst kid we have ever had!
60. Oh, you say that with every kid.
61. Let's face it, Lois.
62. It's just the hand we were dealt.
63. God just doesn't like us.
64. That doesn't make us bad people.
65. No, there's something different with Jamie.
66. He's not like the other ones.
67. I'm telling you,I can see it in his eyes.
68. Honey, calm down.
69. You know what will make you feel better?
70. You take a look at him while he's sleeping.
71. You know how cute he is, with his tush
all squished up in the air like that...
72. Did you see him?
73. See who?
74. That-a-way!
75. We're in lockdown!
76. This door stays closed till you hear the all-clear call.
77. The perimeter's sealed.
78. He's not getting out this way.
79. My jewelry box!
80. Jamie, Mommy told you...
81. All right, Jamie,
82. you've had your fun.
83. Now it's time to give that back
to Mommy and go to sleep.
84. Jamie...
85. I asked you to give it to me!
86. Would you look at this thing?
87. It's amazing.
88. We've got to come up with something
really great to do with it.
89. What if we tied mattresses to
ourselves and jumped off it?
90. Nah. We could do that off the roof.
91. We could launch mannequins into the Prestons' Jacuzzi.
92. Uh-uh. It's not good enough.
93. We could get a squirrel to dive off it into a cup of water.
94. Not good enough.
95. Not for her.
96. Not this old beauty.
97. Well, how about if we got a vat of Jell-O...
98. No! It's not good enough!
99. I got it!
100. We take a dog,
101. tie him to a bicycle...
102. No! It's just not good enough!
103. Mom's home early!
104. You do not pinch, you do not poke, you do not bite,
105. you do not spit, you do not eye-gouge,
you do not vomit intentionally on other babies!
106. A lifetime ban from Gymboree!
107. A lifetime ban!
108. I can't believe it.
109. She didn't even see the board.
110. This is a sign we were meant to have this.
111. We were meant to do something
really, really great with you.
112. It'll come.
113. We just have to be patient.
114. No!
115. This is Mommy's purse!
116. You can't have it!
117. Please,
118. it's the only thing
in the house that's Mommy's!
119. Lois...
120. Well, he has a million toys.
121. Why does he only want to take my things?
122. Honey, honey, you're taking this too personally.
123. He doesn't understand what he's doing.
He's just a baby.
124. Look, if you just give it to him
for just a couple of minutes,
125. he'll get tired of it.
126. You're right.
127. I guess I was just feeling that if I gave in to him,
128. he'd see it as a sign of weakness.
129. - I'm going to stop this right now.
- Yeah.
130. Here, sweetie.
131. Mommy's purse.
132. You can have that for five minutes, okay?
133. I thought you said he wasn't eating anything.
134. It's mocking us.
135. It's a ten-foot-tall springboard that we got for free,
136. and we can't think of a single thing
that's good enough to do with it!
137. I bet it belonged to some other family that went crazy
because they couldn't come up with anything to do with it.
138. They probably just sat around, staring at it for months,
until they finally snapped and started eating each other.
139. Damn it, we're better than this!
I know we are!
140. Remember that squashed groundhog
we found on the highway?
141. We came up with a hundred things to do with that,
142. from the horrible to the beautiful!
143. I miss Flatty.
144. Maybe we're just going about this the wrong way.
145. We have to think outside the box.
146. If you were a diving board, what would you want
someone to do with you?
147. Take me ice-skating.
148. Don't be an idiot.
149. That place is freezing, and it's always so crowded.
150. Yeah, but they have good hot dogs.
151. Those hot dogs suck compared to
the ones at the train station.
152. Why would a diving board want
to go to a train station?
153. How should I know?
154. Maybe he wants to visit a relative.
155. Okay! Okay!
156. Back in the box.
157. Jamie doesn't have to eat his peas anymore.
158. He can eat whatever he wants
because Mommy surrenders.
159. Mommy has a tiny pony for Jamie who wants
to hug him and give him yummy candy corn...
160. Mmm, I'm delicious!
161. Is there a big boy who could eat me?
162. Gotcha, you little...
163. Jamie tries to kill Mom,
164. and we're the ones who have to clean it up.
165. You want to tell me how that's fair?
166. You gotta give that kid some credit.
167. It's the closest any of us actually ever came.
168. Yeah.
169. Jamie wasn't really spawned by Satan, was he?
170. No. If he was, we'd have a way better house.
171. You're the one, Jamie.
172. Show me the way!
173. There's a lot of things I can handle.
A lot of things I've managed to survive.
174. I'd even say I've thrived where others
would have just thrown in the towel.
175. Yes, honey, you certainly have.
176. Now relax, and let the bubbles do their work.
177. Soothing.
178. - Sooth...
- Dad, we finish...
179. I told you to stay the hell away
from this bathroom until I said so!
180. This is a child-free zone until further notice!
181. Soothing... soothing...
182. You know what, Hal?
183. I'm done. I give up.
184. What are you talking about?
185. Jamie wins. He beat me.
186. All those years, all those terrible things
those kids have done.
187. It doesn't make me stronger,
it's just worn me down.
188. Like termites eating away at a house,
until all that's holding up is paint.
189. I'm just paint, Hal.
190. Jamie knows it.
191. You'll do a better job than I can.
192. I trust you.
193. No, no, no.
194. No-no-no-no-no-no!
195. You can't leave me alone with those kids!
196. We had a deal, Lois!
197. You are in charge of the spiritual
and emotional development,
198. discipline and scary injuries.
199. I kill spiders,
200. mark their heights on the door frames
and supply car snacks.
201. You walk out now and the
whole system falls apart!
202. I can't do it, Hal.
203. I don't want to.
I just don't have it anymore.
204. I mean, it's normal, right?
205. People give up, they quit...
206. Lois, you listen to me.
No one is as good as you are.
207. You took those vicious little fiends,
and you twisted and crushed them into submission.
208. And you didn't do it because you had to.
You did it because you loved the game, and it was beautiful!
209. I just don't have that anymore.
210. Honey, yes, you do.
I know you do.
211. You just lost your way a little.
212. You just need to think.
Think back to the first time you found that spark.
213. There's got to be some way to remember.
214. And I'm going to help you.
215. So, here I am.
216. Dad said you needed some help on something?
217. Francis, your father and I are trying to
remember something, and we really need your help.
218. We'd like you to think back to your earliest memories.
219. What's this all about?
220. Mind your own business. Just do it, will ya?
221. You've got to be kidding me.
222. My childhood was a nightmare!
I've spent the rest of my life trying
to board up that haunted house.
223. Francis, this is important.
224. I really need to remember something,
and I don't know what it is.
225. - But...
- Please.
226. You're the only one
who can help me.
227. My earliest memories...
228. It's kind of vague.
229. I remember we had that apartment...
230. I remember it being really colorful.
231. Come on, Francis, honey.
Please, won't you eat anything?
232. We've tried the carrots, and the peaches,
and the oatmeal, the apples, huh?
233. Don't you like anything?
234. Lois!
235. Would you like to know what your son did
to my director's cut of The Eyes of Laura Mars?
236. He also shaved a hole in the carpet
with my new Norelco!
237. I'm sorry, Hal. I asked him very nicely
not to play with it, but he just wouldn't listen.
238. I can't get him to do anything.
239. I've read Dr. Spock and Piaget and Eisenberg,
and The Language of Hugs, all these books, nothing's helping.
240. What he needs is a little discipline.
241. I think he'd behave better if he just ate something.
242. Look at him. He's just wasting away.
243. I'm going to give him another Hershey bar.
244. Lois, no!
245. You can't keep coddling him like this!
246. I am sick and tired of always having to be the bad cop
because you're constantly giving in to him.
247. Okay, Hal, I'll try.
248. You keep saying that, and then you do it again!
249. I'm going to be tougher with him. I promise.
250. Huh. It's weird.
251. I just have this vague feeling
of you actually being a good mother.
252. I hate you!
253. I hate you, I hate you!
254. I hate you!
255. Reese, this is crazy.
256. You've been staring at that damn thing for four days.
257. We're getting rid of it.
258. No! Wait!
I finally have an idea.
259. What is it?
260. I'll have it in a second! Just wait!
261. It's over, Reese.
262. Once the board's gone, things should go back to normal.
263. Did you know that the Newmans put a statue
of a naked guy on their front lawn a week ago?
264. We should be ashamed of ourselves.
265. No! We are not getting rid of this!
266. Reese, what is the big deal?
267. What is so special about this board?
268. I think it's my last time.
269. Last time for what?
270. For anything stupid and reckless and fun.
271. Maybe it's because I'm almost 18 now,
272. but lately I've been hearing this voice in my head that says,