Malcolm in the Middle 6x5

Directed by Peter Lauer

Henry Gibson as Frank Ralston • Craig Lamar Traylor as Stevie Kenarban • Mitch Silpa as Bartender • Derek Waters as Waiter • Jeanette Miller as Elderly Woman

Kitty returns and asks Lois for help getting Kitty's estranged husband back; Francis comes home and puts Dewey through the torturous "Brotherhood Initiation."

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1. I said wash them!

2. - That was a good one, Abe! - Yes, it was, wasn't it?

3. Reese stop it. You're going to give yourself leprosy!

4. Thank you so much for letting us be a part of Dewey's birthday.

5. You enjoying your special day, son?

6. I expect nothing and I'm still let down.

7. It's serious.

8. I hope you like your present, honey.

9. You know, birthdays are going to be a little thin around here

10. until we get back on our feet.

11. No, I love my "Quarters of America".

12. You see, we started you out with California and the Maine.

13. Oops, these are both Maine.

14. Well, guess you won't be needing this one.

15. Where is Francis? He was supposed to be here for my party.

16. Oh, he called. There was a TV show

17. he wanted to finish watching. He'll get here after your bedtime.

18. Listen, I don't want to step on Dewey's big day, here...

19. Don't worry about it.

20. but I just can't keep the news to myself.

21. Stevie has been chosen to receive a Teen Courtesy Award.

22. This is fantastic,

23. I don't know anyone who deserves it more.

24. What is it?

25. The International Courtesy Association

26. is awarding him a Gallet.

27. That's the award they give to the youngster who best observes

28. a Teen Courtesy Pledge, to be clean, quiet, polite and obedient.

29. Congratulations, Stevie.

30. Thank you.

31. See? He can't turn it off.

32. We are all very proud of you Stevie.

33. I'd keep this Courtesy Award to myself.

34. That crippled thing won't protect you so much.

35. The Award Dinner's on the 12th.

36. We want you all to come.

37. You've been so good to us

38. through the difficulties. You've been just like family.

39. How's the divorce going, Abe? Have you been able to find Kitty?

40. No address, but when I searched the Internet,

41. I found some interesting pictures of her.

42. From what I could tell, she seems to

43. have overcome her fear of meeting new people.

44. Whoa, but hey, I'm looking forward.

45. Why, just yesterday, this cute

46. new teller at my bank started flirting with me.

47. - Really? - Get this.

48. She told me I forgot to date my check.

49. Date, Hal.

50. Wow.

51. Are you excited about this Courtesy Award

52. I'll need...

53. your help...

54. with my...

55. acceptance speech.

56. There are...

57. so many...

58. people to...

59. thank.

60. Have you thought about a blanket thank you?

61. I have...

62. a plan.

63. Oh my god. This is so cool.

64. Did you know that underneath your skin, there's more skin?

65. Why have I always been so careful?

66. Thanks for a wonderful night.

67. You know what, I'm seriously thinking

68. about dropping by my bank tomorrow,

69. and asking that new teller for some penny rows.

70. Hey, Mr Hot Stuff. Save some for the other fellas.

71. - Bye-bye, guys. - Goodnight.

72. Bye.

73. Come on, Son.

74. Kitty?

75. Kitty Kenarban!

76. How long have you been out there?

77. Not long. All night. It looked like a lovely party.

78. Hi, Hal.

79. Hi, Kitty.

80. I should just... um... hmm.

81. What are you doing there?

82. Well, I've sort of been stalking my family,

83. trying to get the nerve to talk to them.

84. I want to come back.

85. You want to come back?

86. I know what I did was terrible.

87. I do not know what happened to me.

88. I guess I spent so much of my life

89. being outrageous and uptight and good,

90. that something in me finally snapped, and I had to be bad.

91. The last two years of my life have been a nightmare of

92. booze binges and hotel rooms.

93. Oh, there were so many parties. So many weird scenes.

94. The childhood game of "Musical Chairs"

95. will never be the same for me.

96. Neither will "Shoots and Ladders",

97. "Candy Man" or "Capture The Flag".

98. But you know what's really amazing?

99. Now that I have done literally everything,

100. I'm finished.

101. I'm done.

102. You've done everything?

103. And now I'm done. Done for good.

104. Wait, I don't get "Candy Land".

105. I am so sorry for what I've done,

106. just want to throw myself at Abe's feet and beg his forgiveness,

107. but, it just seems impossible.

108. Could you, find it in your hearts to, maybe talk to him for me?

109. Oh, Kitty.

110. There's not a chance in the world I would ever do that for you.

111. - But I... - You abandoned your family.

112. Do you have any idea of the pain

113. and humiliation you have inflicted on that dear, sweet man

114. and that poor innocent boy?

115. I know you and I used to be friends

116. but what you have done is so creepy and evil,

117. it doesn't get fixed with "I'm sorry". It just doesn't.

118. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

119. Hey, where's the party?

120. Oh. Hi Kitty.

121. Ok, we'll catch up later.

122. Ok, Dewey. Since you're now officially old enough,

123. today's the day we start your initiation into full brotherhood.

124. - Wow. Really? - Yep.

125. Reese went through this, Malcolm went through this,

126. and now, it is your turn.

127. Neat, when do we start?

128. Right now.

129. Get out of bed, and lie down on the Floor of Brotherhood.

130. And give me the Pillow of Paternity.

131. - Hey, Abe. - We need to talk.

132. What's going on?

133. Give me a second. I'm just so... agitated.

134. - What's the matter? - Kitty came over last night.

135. Oh, Abe. Would you like some tea or something?

136. No, thank you. But I would like some clarification.

137. What?

138. Did you actually call the

139. woman I love, "creepy" and "evil"?

140. - Wait a minute. You're mad at me? - What happened, Abe?

141. Kitty and I talked all night long.

142. She told me about everything.

143. Every horrifying detail was covered.

144. And by morning, we decided to try and make a go of it.

145. Stevie's over the moon. The boy needs a mother.

146. And lord knows I need a wife.

147. So, in the future, Lois,

148. I'd appreciate a bit more support and respect for my wife.

149. You're mad at me?

150. Were you going to pretend that

151. the last two years just didn't happen?

152. No, but I don't see the need for you to bring it up

153. when you're not an affected party.

154. You guys have to see this.

155. You know how you thought I would never do anything with my life?

156. Well, prepare to be blown away.

157. I'm going for the full body, head to toe. One continuous skin.

158. It'll be the greatest thing ever.

159. Reese, get that off my chair, and get out of here.

160. We're discussing something important.

161. Fine. You're not getting one dime of the film rights.

162. Abe, how can you be mad at me?

163. I've been there for you, day after day, month after month

164. through all the dinners, and the tearful phone conversations,

165. the Parent-Teacher Conferences for Stevie.

166. For God's sake, Abe.

167. I'm your friend

168. Then I wish you'd start acting like one.

169. And now if you'll excuse me.

170. I have a wedding album I have to tape back together.

171. Receive the mystic waters that unite us in fraternal bonds.

172. For though we are divided by

173. maternal evil, so shall we be.

174. Ok, I found something down there.

175. Ok, Dewey. Eat up.

176. You're going to need your nourishment

177. if you're going to get through these next three days.

178. You took three days off work to do this?

179. Quit stalling and suck ants.

180. Most... of all...

181. I'd like...

182. to thank...

183. my father.

184. Got it.

185. Ladies and gentlemen, friends and family.

186. Esteemed colleagues of courtesy who honour me,

187. but I can't let this occasion pass without

188. remarking that you all share this award.

189. Tonight helped me raise a better partiality

190. as we strike a blow for stability.

191. As we kiss rudeness goodbye, and wish it well. And furth

192. Reese, we're working on Stevie's speech.

193. I'm at a critical juncture, here.

194. I've hit a mole, and I'm trying to decide whether

195. I should work around it, or try to dig it out.

196. The roots are pretty shallow.

197. That's grotesque, Reese.

198. You don't understand the

199. important work I'm doing here, Malcolm.

200. I'm creating a new Reese.

201. Shedding my old life. That's how snakes live forever.

202. You're an idiot.

203. I thought you boys might like some chips and lemonade.

204. No thanks.

205. My creepy Mom...

206. gave me juice.

207. not right, Hal. It's just not right.

208. What business do they have being angry at me?

209. Kitty ruined their life. She tore them apart.

210. She tortured them for two years, and I'm the bad guy?

211. I'm not the one with the S.T.D. Mammectomy.

212. I'm not the one who smuggled Lord knows what,

213. in Lord knows where across the Turkish border.

214. Hal?

215. What? You're absolutely right, honey. You're absolutely right,

216. I couldn't have said it better myself.

217. Hal, you're really not helping.

218. I'm sorry Lois, but you sort of brought this on yourself.

219. I mean, you should have known better than to say something bad

220. about the girl after a guy breaks up with her.

221. They always wind up getting back together.

222. This isn't Biff and Buffy breaking up before the High School Dance.

223. I just... I don't understand how he could take her back.

224. He's in love with her. And despite everything that's

225. happened, he's still in love with her. I understand that.

226. I would take you back if it happened to us.

227. Oh, you would not. How can you say that?

228. There's no life without you.

229. Oh, shut up and go to sleep.

230. Aren't you a little old for this?

231. Prepare to drink from the chalice of brotherhood.

232. Something smells horrible. Is that the drip pan?

233. You're not supposed to know.

234. I'm not drinking from that. It's disgusting.

235. Yes, it is disgusting, but it must be done.

236. Oh, man.

237. Awesome, Dewey. You did it!

238. I'm done?

239. You passed with flying colours.

240. You are now a Full Brother.

241. Now I would like to present to you...

242. the Cookie of Brotherhood.

243. - That's it? - What do you mean?

244. I did all that crap for a stupid cookie?

245. It's a meaningful cookie.

246. It's a symbol of something really cool and special,

247. you little ingrate.

248. It's a symbol of what an idiot I am.

249. You know nothing of fraternity and sacred rituals.

250. Give me back my cookie.

251. Well, I hit a little bump in the road.

252. I totally forgot I wasn't sunburnt underneath my swimming suit.

253. Are you wearing legwarmers?

254. Anything worth doing, is worth doing right.

255. And... save.

256. I think this is going to work.

257. Why is...

258. your mom...

259. so mean?

260. I guess when you find something you're really good at,

261. you just stick with it.

262. I'm glad...

263. you understand...

264. about my mother.

265. Why would you ever think that?

266. What?

267. Stevie, I'm sure whatever

268. my mom said was way too harsh, and totally unjustified.

269. But your mom abandoned you guys.

270. Don't you even care about all the crap she put you and your dad through?

271. She shouldn't be able to just say "I'm sorry" and get away with it.

272. This...

273. conversation...

274. is...

275. over...

276. right...

277. now.

278. Can anyone help me? I can't reach this.

279. Get that thing out of here.

280. You're spending all this time with Stevie,

281. helping him with his little Wussy Award,

282. and you won't even

283. help someone in your own family reach immortality?

284. MOVE!

285. Stevie...

286. Wait, Guys!

287. Ok, ok. I see how it is.

288. You want my dream to die!

289. I'm sorry you guys are going to miss Stevie's award.

290. Make sure you keep checking in on Dewey.

291. What did the doctor say?

292. It's weird. He said it's some kind of intestinal

293. thing that people in third world countries

294. get from drinking stagnant water.

295. Huh. That is weird.

296. - You know, you don't have to go. - Oh, Hal.

297. Stevie's a wonderful boy. I'm going to go and support him.

298. - He doesn't want you there. - Well, that's too damn bad.

299. I'm going to support him whether he wants it or not.

300. They think I'm the one with the problem, and they are wrong, Hal.

301. They are wrong. And I'm not going to let them get away with it.

302. I just think it's going to be a little... uncomfortable.

303. Oh, I guarantee it's going to be a little uncomfortable.

304. And if you do anything to make it any

305. less uncomfortable, I will never forgive you.

306. Oh, thank you, Sir Please A Lot and and Jam Masters, thank you.

307. Who says rap has to be rude?

308. I wish I could thank each and every one of you,

309. for making this night possible.

310. But there isn't time.

311. I'm kidding. Of course, there is.

312. Erin Errison, Barnett Errison, Barnett Errison Junior...

313. I can't believe you brought that thing with you.

314. It has a name, Malcolm.

315. Even though the mashed potatoes are

316. not supposed to come with the duck,

317. cram them in there, anyway. Whether the duck likes it or not.

318. - Ma'am? - The beef.

319. Even though it's the carrots that are the

320. problem, I'd like to exclude the broccoli.

321. That may work as a metaphor, Ma'am,

322. but you're really screwing up your entrée.

323. I'll just have another Margarita.

324. Oh, and hurry, it's sort of an emergency.

325. You need another roll in there, Dewey?

326. Shut up!

327. I'm really sorry. I got carried away.

328. I just... I missed you guys.

329. And let's face it, torture and humiliation

330. are the only ways we have ever known to say we love each other.

331. You know you're only making yourself feel better.

332. Ok, ok.

333. I want to give you something, Dewey. Something special.

334. I've never even told Reese or Malcolm about it.

335. It's like the ultimate defence

336. against Mom and Dad, It's totally bullet-proof.

337. I'm listening.

338. In Mom and Dad's bedroom, on the nightstand next to Mom's side

339. is a big vanilla candle, have you seen it?

340. - Yeah... - Mom and Dad like to use that candle,

341. when they, uh - lock their door and do grownup stuff.

342. You mean sex?

343. I'm afraid so.

344. Now it's gotten to the point that every time that candle is lit,

345. all they can think about is,

346. going back to their room.

347. I have never seen it miss.

348. Wow. Thanks.

349. We are now Brothers of the Candle.

350. Francis, you've got to stop that.

351. I'll have another Margarita.

352. Wow, I'm learning a lot tonight.

353. I never dreamed there were so many ways of saying "thank you".

354. I wish there were more ways to say "you're not welcome".

355. Excuse me.

356. You know what I never have? A Margarita.

357. Lois, please. This is just too tense.

358. I'm sorry. I don't have amnesia.

359. You're the only one who has a problem with this.

360. You, are one polite old bag,

361. you know that, honey?

362. Excuse me.

363. Come here, Oldie. Give us a hug.

364. He's cut off.

365. Hey, that's Kitty Kenarban at your table, right?

366. Yeah.

367. So are both of you into the same scene?

368. You know, sniffsniff, reeeowwwww?

369. I beg your pardon?

370. Ahhh, nothing, nothing. Ahh, listen, um –

371. Could you give this to Kitty?

372. We were both in the uh, Choir together, and I thought,

373. maybe she'd like to join us for practice sometime?

374. I'd be happy to.

375. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

376. beloved PBS Children's TV icon, Frank Walston.

377. Before we bring out our Guest of Honour,

378. I'd like to say a few words about courtesy.

379. Now, I know that good manners sometimes

380. seem like just a bunch of dumb old rules

381. our parents invented, so they could scold us...

382. You got that right!

383. but, but, manners are so much more.

384. Only human beings have a system that

385. reminds us to care about each other.

386. It is how we live in grace.

387. Manners are what allow us to be kind to each other,

388. to live with each other,

389. but most importantly,

390. they are how we forgive each other.

391. and in the end they allow us to

392. listen to the voices of our bitter angels.

393. Now, can I tell you...

394. Kitty, please forgive me.

395. well, the best part is yet to come.

396. So, let us give a warm, courtesy welcome,

397. to this year's gallant. No goof is he. Our own Stevie Kenarban.

398. "Ladies and gentlemen, friends and family,

399. esteemed colleagues of courtesy,

400. you honor me.

401. But I can't let this occasion pass without remarking that you all blow-blow-blow-blow.

402. It means so much and requires so little to

403. take a moment to kiss my butt.

404. In conclusion, I feel the evening

405. would be incomplete without telling that world that

406. I am actually a lady.

407. Thank you, Go to Hell.

408. He can talk!

409. He's cured!

410. Reese, your punishment

411. isn't over until that bathroom floor is

412. so clean you can eat off it

413. which is what you're going to be doing for the next two weeks.

414. And get rid of that thing, it's disgusting.

415. Disgusting?

416. If Malcolm made another him out of hair,

417. you'd be throwing a parade for him right now.

418. AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! Noooo!

419. It just took it.

420. That could have been me.

421. I need a few minutes alone with the vacuum.

422. You're supposed to sign this.

423. Disrupted class?

424. Insulted the teacher?

425. Insulted the teacher? Dewey! You are in so much –

426. trouble.

427. Ok, first of all we have to figure out a punish–

428. uh, punishment.

429. - That's right, and it's going to be really, really

430. That's nice, honey.

431. You are going to ... uh, to

432. Uh, Dewey, we're going to talk about this later.

433. That's right

434. Lois, there's something in the bedroom. I've wanted to show you.