Malcolm in the Middle 5x8

Directed by Levie Isaacks

Paul Wilson as Ed • Mark Moses as Richard • Randall Carver as Joshua • Shashawnee Hall as Policeman • Margarita Franco as Dottie • Paul Willson as Ed

Neighbors have the annual "The Wilkersons are gone" block party until they come home early. Reese and Dewey set up a plan to get money by letting Reese-tortured kids get revenge. Hal and Lois enter a kielbasa-eating contest and Malcolm unknowingly assists a robbery, but a surprising twist comes in the end.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Jamie needs a change.

2. I want to do it!

3. No way!

4. We're supposed to take turns!

5. Mom told us Jamie swallowed

6. one of her diamond earrings.

7. Whoever finds it

8. when it comes out

9. gets a 20-buck reward.

10. Let Reese change this one.

11. He hasn't gotten to in a while.

12. Oh, man.

13. Somehow they never noticed

14. that Mom doesn't own

15. any diamond earrings.

16. Smells like my ticket

17. to Easy Street.

18. Every year,

19. for the last five years,

20. we've spent a week in a cabin

21. on a lake.

22. This year it got ruined,

23. and we had to come back

24. three days early.

25. All I'm saying is

26. I don't ask for much.

27. Once a year I want to sit on

28. a porch, stare at a bug zapper

29. and make s'mores

30. over a trash can.

31. The problem is

32. the boys have gotten soft.

33. God forbid they should have a

34. little interaction with nature.

35. Leeches! Leeches! Leeches!

36. I blame video games.

37. What's going on?

38. Sorry, folks,

39. street's closed.

40. We live here.

41. What is this?

42. You live here and

43. you don't know?

44. It's the annual block party.

45. Annual?

46. Every year for the

47. last five years.

48. Oh, hey, Mort.

49. What's going on?

50. Oh, Hal.

51. You're back early.

52. What is all this?

53. Why didn't we know about it?

54. Well, we came out

55. this morning,

56. the sun was shining,

57. people started talking.

58. It was a spur-of-

59. the-moment thing.

60. The banner says

61. "5th annual."

62. Huh.

63. You guys throw a block party

64. every year when we go away?

65. You know, I'm not consulted

66. about the scheduling.

67. There's a whole committee

68. that takes care of...

69. Oh, but I'm boring you.

70. Polly, yeah, we got home early.

71. Listen, would it be okay

72. if we walked over

73. and dropped off Jamie

74. for a couple hours?

75. There's a block party here,

76. and we wanted to enjoy it.

77. Okay, great. Thanks.

78. Enjoy it?

79. Doesn't anyone

80. besides me get it?

81. The whole neighborhood hates us.

82. So much that they throw

83. a giant celebration

84. just because we're gone.

85. Malcolm, that's not news.

86. I'm just surprised

87. they're so organized.

88. It doesn't bother you

89. that everyone despises us?

90. No. These people need somebody

91. to be mad at.

92. Having us to hate

93. gives the whole neighborhood

94. something to bond over.

95. Your mother's right, son.

96. Communities seek out

97. a common enemy.

98. If it wasn't us,

99. they'd all team up

100. against someone else.

101. Probably a minority.

102. Malcolm, you can't spend

103. your whole life worrying

104. about what people

105. think about you.

106. They'll like you,

107. they'll hate you,

108. they'll think whatever they want

109. to think, and then you die.

110. Is that supposed to cheer me up?

111. I don't know why

112. you need cheering up.

113. You are a teenage boy

114. with a block party

115. right outside his door.

116. Now, you can stay in here

117. and sulk if you want to,

118. but your father and I

119. are gonna go have a good time.

120. Come on, honey.

121. Oh, my God,

122. it's a lawnmower parade.

123. Hey, Otto.

124. What's this?

125. It's called a mount.

126. It is an artificial

127. cow's hindquarters.

128. This will allow us

129. to extract precious seed

130. from Bruno.

131. He cost me a fortune,

132. but there is gold

133. in those schlapels.

134. Can't we just let him

135. go out and mount the heifers?

136. No, Bruno is much too rough

137. for my girls.

138. They have lived

139. very sheltered lives.

140. Most of them are even

141. embarrassed by the milking.

142. I'm gonna have to be the one

143. to work this, aren't I?

144. It is not as bad as you think.

145. All you have to do

146. is climb inside.

147. Bruno will mount you,

148. offer his shwarzencaufin,

149. you will extract the seed.

150. That's a million times worse

151. than I thought!

152. Oh, now, Francis.

153. There's nothing to be afraid of.

154. Hmm, I wonder why you have

155. to wear goggles.

156. Let's hear it

157. for Ms. Michaelson's class!

158. I think I speak for all of us

159. on Maple and Jefferson

160. when I say that the neighborhood

161. gets a lot nicer

162. this time of year!

163. No, no, go ahead. Keep going.

164. We were done anyway.

165. Yeah.

166. You know, I never really

167. thought about us

168. being the most hated people

169. in the neighborhood.

170. Well, Dewey, most people

171. go through life unnoticed.

172. Their names are

173. never in the paper,

174. they've got no laws

175. named after them.

176. That's fine for most

177. people, but I wanted more.

178. Hey!

179. It's not always easy.

180. You don't make a lot of

181. friends being unpopular.

182. Someday we'll all get

183. even with you, Reese!

184. Huh.

185. What is it?

186. That kid just gave me the

187. best idea of my life.

188. You know, we don't do

189. this often enough,

190. just walk around

191. the neighborhood.

192. It's nice, isn't it?

193. Remind you of another

194. fair 20 years ago?

195. You spent $70 to win me

196. a three-dollar stuffed animal.

197. Well, they make those hoops

198. too small on purpose.

199. If I hadn't played

200. till I won,

201. they never would've

202. learned their lesson.

203. Besides, I wasn't trying

204. to win the stuffed animal.

205. I was trying to win you.

206. Oh, Hal.

207. ED:

208. I urge you all to stay calm

209. and try to enjoy

210. the fair anyway.

211. Otherwise, they and their

212. awful children will have won!

213. Daddy, let's go!

214. I'm coming, honey.

215. Oh. Let me help you.

216. Oh, you don't have

217. to do that.

218. I don't mind.

219. I'm glad to do it.

220. Well, thanks.

221. That was very nice of you.

222. Really?

223. Is there anything else

224. I can do for you?

225. I'm just saying, kids

226. should not be blamed

227. for how terrible

228. their parents are.

229. I mean, if Saddam

230. Hussein had a son...

231. Well, maybe that's

232. not the best example,

233. but you know what I'm...

234. Son, I don't care

235. what anybody says.

236. You're a very nice

237. and thoughtful young man.

238. Thanks.

239. I'm really glad I met you!

240. Hey!

241. What are you doing?

242. Huh?

243. Who was that man?

244. What do you mean?

245. Oh, my God!

246. We've been robbed!

247. And you just stood there

248. while he robbed us?

249. I was walking past.

250. He needed help.

251. You helped him?

252. He was sweating.

253. And you just believed him

254. when he said

255. that this was his house?

256. No! He didn't say that...

257. exactly.

258. I mean, it was implied.

259. I have a lot on my mind.

260. Oh, you are from

261. that family

262. in that house,

263. aren't you?

264. Yes, but I'm not like them!

265. Do you even realize

266. what you've done?

267. What were you thinking?

268. (crying):

269. I just wanted somebody

270. to like me.

271. Thank you, Jim.

272. Now, coming up

273. in just a few minutes

274. we have our fifth annual

275. kielbasa eating contest,

276. sponsored by Stavis Brothers,

277. the kielbasa

278. that makes you go "Mmm!"

279. A kielbasa eating contest?

280. I remember a certain

281. pigtailed girl

282. who could pack away

283. a dozen king-sized.

284. That was

285. a long time ago, Hal.

286. Oh, come on, Lois.

287. A woman reaches her

288. gastronomic peak

289. at about just your age.

290. I'll sign up with you.

291. Unless... you're

292. afraid I'll beat you.

293. Hal, you're good

294. at a lot of things,

295. but this is kielbasa.

296. Let's go.

297. It's either a lizard

298. or a baby alligator.

299. It's been in our cesspool

300. for a month.

301. I think he lives on poo.

302. Where is it?

303. Hello, everyone.

304. Don't worry, if I

305. wanted to beat you up,

306. you'd all be hanging by

307. your underpants by now.

308. I've gathered you here

309. to make you an offer.

310. What kind of offer,

311. Reese?

312. I'm glad you

313. asked, Dewey.

314. It's no secret

315. that I've tortured

316. all of you over the years.

317. Some of you have scars

318. on the outside.

319. Some of you are damaged

320. in places we can't see.

321. (squeaky

322. whimper)

323. Each one of you wants revenge.

324. And you know what?

325. You're entitled to it.

326. Gee, Reese,

327. revenge sounds great.

328. But how

329. could we accomplish that?

330. Another good question, Dewey.

331. For 20 bucks,

332. I'll let each one of you

333. beat the hell out

334. of me for 30 seconds.

335. Boy, Reese, this is tempting.

336. But how do we know

337. you won't let us hit you today,

338. but then get even

339. with us tomorrow?

340. That's the beauty part.

341. I'll be tied up

342. and blindfolded

343. the whole time

344. you're beating me.

345. Wow.

346. The line will form at

347. the garage in one hour.

348. I'm not gonna tell you

349. how to get the money.

350. Your mothers all have purses.

351. Except for you, Freddy.

352. Your mother wears

353. a travel belt.

354. Ah.

355. Is everything good to go?

356. I think so.

357. How do you plan to work her?

358. What do you mean, "work her"?

359. Well, you know,

360. you will sit there,

361. waiting for Bruno

362. to become fersploten

363. and enter

364. the artificial hoonincootz.

365. And then maybe

366. you rock the hips a little bit.

367. Maybe you tease him

368. with the tail.

369. Gosh.

370. I hope this is

371. sturdy enough

372. to take his weight.

373. You know,

374. he weighs 4,000 pounds.

375. And when his passion

376. is aroused,

377. he may come down

378. with crushing force!

379. I want a raise.

380. Yeah.

381. All right.

382. Would you try and calm down,

383. please?

384. (crying):

385. It's not just the neighborhood.

386. It's the whole world.

387. And the way people

388. treat each other.

389. I mean, why does it have

390. to be like this?

391. There's just so much hate.

392. What about pulling Reese's hair?

393. No, his head will be covered.

394. Look, you're

395. thinking too hard.

396. Just let your hatred tell

397. your body what to do.

398. How are we doing?

399. So far 23 kids have signed up.

400. We've taken in $460!

401. Oh, my God!

402. Just remember,

403. we've gotta save 20 bucks

404. for the cab ride

405. to the hospital.

406. I'm gonna get the crap

407. kicked out of me for money.

408. This is the greatest

409. nation on Earth.

410. It's a beautiful day

411. in the neighborhood

412. as we begin

413. our fifth annual

414. Stavis Brothers

415. kielbasa eating contest.

416. I try to line

417. them up like one

418. continuous dog.

419. It's the space between kielbasas

420. that tells your body it's full.

421. With us this year

422. we have our old

423. friends, Louie...

424. Gerry...

425. Jackson...

426. Lois and Hal...

427. and last

428. year's champion,

429. Big Tony.

430. And eaters— take your marks.

431. Are you going to be okay?

432. He's going

433. to be fine now.

434. Hey!

435. I'm in a hurry.

436. I'm getting a beating

437. in 15 minutes.

438. What do you want

439. for all of this?

440. What?

441. I'll take

442. every piece of candy

443. that you've got.

444. Get out of the way!

445. Let me get you a bag for that.

446. I don't need a bag.

447. But I would like

448. to hear you sing.

449. Well, ladies

450. and gentlemen,

451. we've lost Gerry

452. and Jackson.

453. Louie's put

454. away six.

455. But he has a

456. long way to go

457. to catch up with

458. Hal and Big Tony,

459. who've eaten

460. nine apiece.

461. Oh, just a minute.

462. Lois has eaten

463. nine, too.

464. You're magnificent.

465. And we just lost Louie.

466. Looks like

467. it's down to three.

468. Unbelievable.

469. What is it?

470. Hal and Lois are

471. matching Big Tony

472. dog for dog.

473. ED:

474. Oh, wait a minute.

475. Is this the end

476. of the road for Lois?

477. Hmm? No, I just want

478. more sauerkraut.

479. Listen, kid, could you

480. please just go home?

481. Is there a

482. problem here?

483. It's all right, officer.

484. We can handle it.

485. There was a robbery,

486. and I helped.

487. We're not

488. pressing charges.

489. We'd just like to forget

490. about the whole thing.

491. You still have to come down

492. to the station

493. and fill out some forms.

494. You know, looking

495. through the house,

496. I don't think

497. he got much.

498. Just a bunch of

499. junk from the garage.

500. Yeah. It's pretty hard

501. even to say what was taken.

502. I can tell you.

503. I have a photographic memory.

504. I can picture

505. everything I put in the car.

506. How would it be if we

507. just phoned you later?

508. There were nine boxes—

509. 14 by 12 by 21.

510. A computer

511. and two high-definition

512. color printers.

513. A signature machine,

514. an embossing machine,

515. two bottles

516. of solvent-based ink eradicator.

517. Three reams

518. of linen-textured

519. cotton paper with fluorescent

520. security fibers,

521. which you could use

522. to counterfeit money,

523. but for that you wouldn't need

524. an embossing machine,

525. unless you were going to forge

526. stock certificates.

527. Oh, my God, you're criminals!

528. (Richard and Dottie

529. chuckling nervously)

530. And you know what

531. the saddest part is?

532. I used to care

533. what you thought about me.

534. Actually,

535. I still do

536. care a little.

537. (crowd chanting):

538. Go! Go! Go! Go!

539. ED:

540. Ladies and gentlemen,

541. this is astonishing.

542. Last year's record

543. is shattered.

544. I can feel it.

545. I know there's a two-and-

546. a-half-inch empty pocket

547. next to my

548. right kidney. Whoo.

549. (crowd chanting):

550. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

551. Oh, my God, Big Tony's

552. down for the count!

553. Well, it's down

554. to Hal and Lois now!

555. You are going down, honey.

556. We'll see, dear.

557. All right,

558. you all know the rules.

559. You each get 30 seconds.

560. Absolutely no weapons

561. of any kind.

562. All right,

563. let me go see if he's ready.

564. Reese, it's time to start.

565. Here's our first

566. secret, anonymous customer.

567. (whispering):

568. It's Bobby Marcovitch.

569. Not so hard!

570. Don't hurt my brother!

571. Okay, you, your time is up.

572. Hey!

573. Reese, what are you doing

574. up there?

575. Who's this?

576. Some kid I found on the street.

577. I don't know his name.

578. Chad.

579. Chad.

580. Sorry, man.

581. How could you hit me like that?

582. You're my brother.

583. And my partner.

584. And you didn't pay!

585. Let's get him!

586. No, wait, wait!

587. You guys are cheating!

588. Ow! Ow! Ow!

589. It's been two hours.

590. This isn't happening.

591. Send him out to graze.

592. Hey, look at this.

593. It says we're supposed

594. to smear on cow pheromones.

595. They're supposed

596. to make him crazy.

597. No wonder he isn't into it.

598. Did you see

599. a bottle of pheromones?

600. ED:

601. It's been quite a day

602. in competitive

603. sausage eating.

604. I think both

605. Hal and Lois

606. are approaching

607. the 21 mark.

608. It's an amazing

609. spectacle.

610. Two great competitors

611. pushing each other to greater

612. and greater heights.

613. What's going on?

614. Oh, my God!

615. They're cheering for my family.

616. I mean, it's for a totally lame

617. and ridiculous reason,

618. but they're cheering.

619. This is unprecedented.

620. There's only one

621. kielbasa left,

622. and it's on

623. Hal's plate.

624. The title is his

625. if he can finish it.

626. (crowd chanting):

627. Hal! Hal! Hal! Hal!

628. (crowd chanting):

629. Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois!

630. You know,

631. you think you've imagined

632. every possible ending...

633. How could we have been

634. so wrong about them?

635. They're good, good people.

636. Do you feel strange

637. not hating Hal

638. and Lois anymore?

639. My God, I love living here.

640. It's a great

641. neighborhood.

642. Yeah.

643. I'm sorry I wasn't

644. able to help

645. with that noise

646. Friday night.

647. Did that music ever stop?

648. Wait. You're the one

649. who called the police

650. on my party?

651. You had a party and

652. you didn't invite me?

653. Oh, don't do that.

654. Why are you

655. such a big baby?

656. Don't you call him

657. a baby.

658. At least I don't have

659. to ask him

660. to mow his lawn

661. every two weeks.

662. Well, from what I hear,

663. he's been mowing your

664. lawn, if you get what...

665. Don't you talk

666. to her like that!

667. Hey, hey, hey...

668. The hell with you!

669. The hell with you!

670. Honey,

671. there's no line

672. for the giant slide.

673. Oh, that's okay, dear.

674. I'm just going to lie down

675. here on the pavement.

676. Okay.

677. Well, I guess Mom was right.

678. We were serving a purpose

679. in the neighborhood

680. all these years.

681. Hey, Reese, want to help me

682. fill up the moon bounce

683. with this?

684. Nah. I'm going to go

685. put dogs on the Ferris wheel.