Malcolm in the Middle 5x6

Directed by Steve Welch

Todd Stashwick as Nate • Holmes Osborne as Mr. Young • John Eric Bentley as Charlie • Michael Dean Jacobs as Albert • Craig Lamar Traylor as Stevie Kenarban

Malcolm gets a job working for Lois on the drugstore loading dock but is shocked to find that Lois smokes. She makes him promise not to tell, then turns her back on him and writes him up for a silly offense. Meanwhile, Dewey runs away to the Ranch to be with Francis because he says he is tired of Reese and Malcolm. Hal is also busy, secretly betting on and entering Jaime in baby competitions.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Oh, right.

2. There. That's it.

3. I made your bed

4. every day for a year.

5. Wow. Congratulations. I can't

6. believe you actually did it.

7. According to our deal,

8. that means from now on

9. I get to sleep in this bed.

10. That wasn't exactly

11. our deal, Dewey.

12. Yes, it was. You promised

13. that if I did it,

14. I'd get the bed

15. every day after that.

16. Right. Every day,

17. but I still

18. get it at night.

19. That's not fair!

20. I don't know, Dewey.

21. His case sounds

22. pretty solid to me.

23. Oh, and, Dewey,

24. I don't want to ruin it

25. by being too specific,

26. but something you wear now has

27. some kind of creature in it.

28. Jamie's making

29. such strides.

30. He's so in touch

31. with his emotions.

32. I wish I could be

33. more like that

34. and just cry for

35. hours and hours.

36. Oh, here's the flyer

37. for the "daddy and child" class

38. I'll be teaching

39. at the rec center.

40. Polly, this is

41. the fifth flyer you've given me.

42. I'm sorry, I was

43. just so excited.

44. It was such a revelation to me

45. that I should be teaching.

46. I've always tried

47. to follow my bliss,

48. but up until now

49. my blisses have turned out to be

50. treacherous

51. and self-destructive.

52. Can't wait.

53. Do I really have to...

54. Yes, Hal.

55. Boys, I wanted

56. to talk to you.

57. I've got some good news.

58. I've been thinking.

59. You're both growing up.

60. You're showing a lot

61. more maturity these days.

62. I think you've

63. earned the right

64. to a little bit

65. more independence.

66. We're getting a car!

67. You're both getting jobs.

68. What?

69. What?

70. Malcolm, I talked to the manager

71. of the Lucky Aide this morning.

72. You start there tomorrow.

73. You want me to work

74. at your store? With you?

75. Yes. Reese— since you've

76. been mentioned six times

77. by name

78. in the security handbook,

79. you have to look

80. for a job somewhere else,

81. but I want you in a paper hat

82. by the end of the week.

83. Please don't

84. do this to me.

85. Just let me find my own job.

86. Malcolm, it's already done.

87. I had to call in

88. a lot of favors

89. with Mr. Young for you.

90. You are not going

91. to make me look bad

92. by not honoring

93. your commitments.

94. How is it my commitment?

95. Because I'm your mother and

96. you're doing it. That's final.

97. I was thinking there's a lot

98. of germs flying around.

99. Dad, Mom has this stupid

100. idea about working...

101. Huh! Huh! Huh!

102. That's enough!

103. You boys heard your mother.

104. We have always said

105. you have to concentrate

106. on your schoolwork

107. before wasting your time

108. on dead-end jobs.

109. You have got your

110. whole life to work

111. and only one chance to learn.

112. I told them to

113. get jobs, Hal.

114. The value

115. of hard work.

116. Money doesn't

117. grow on trees.

118. The sooner you two kids

119. have jobs, the better.

120. My first paycheck,

121. I'm buying this house

122. and kicking them out.

123. As we emerge

124. from the cocoon of self-doubt...

125. reaching

126. for unconditional affirmation...

127. defeating our inner critics.

128. And rest.

129. See, daddies can be just

130. as good mommies as mommies.

131. Oh! I have to make

132. a quick phone call

133. to the parole officer.

134. Oh, don't worry,

135. it's not about me.

136. It's about one of my dads,

137. but while I'm gone,

138. why don't you do that

139. "baby-ssage" thing I showed you.

140. You know,

141. babies feel stress, too.

142. Man, I'm so bored I can

143. feel my own hair growing.

144. Maybe I should wait a couple

145. years to bond with Jamie.

146. It's got to be easier

147. when he can do more than

148. just burble

149. and sit up.

150. Your baby can sit up?

151. For how long?

152. I don't know.

153. Ten seconds?

154. My baby can sit

155. up for 20.

156. Jasmine can

157. do it for 30.

158. Oh, yeah?

159. Do it, Jamie. Come on,

160. buddy, you can do it!

161. Do it for Daddy.

162. Do it for Daddy.

163. Stay up. Stay up. Stay up.

164. One more. One more.

165. Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

166. Come on, baby,

167. you can...

168. (shrieks):

169. Yes! Way to go, Jamie.

170. I think this belongs to me.

171. Hello, you've reached

172. The Grotto. Please hold.

173. Hello, you've reached

174. The Grotto. Please hold.

175. Hello, you've reached

176. The Grotto.

177. You are a terrible brother!

178. Dewey?

179. Malcolm and Reese do nothing

180. but torture me all day long.

181. My life is horrible

182. and it's not fair!

183. Dewey, you're not

184. making any sense.

185. You were nice

186. to Malcolm and Reese

187. but then you got kicked out

188. before I was even old enough

189. to know what was going on.

190. So they got to have

191. a good big brother

192. and all I got was them.

193. Look, I'm sorry, okay, I just,

194. I don't live there anymore.

195. I don't care!

196. You have to make this

197. up to me. I deserve

198. a good big brother, too.

199. Dewey, I know this is

200. really important to you,

201. but I just don't

202. have the time right now,

203. so I'll call you

204. in a couple days, okay?

205. No, do not hang up on me.

206. Don't you look handsome?

207. My little working man's

208. first day on the job.

209. Do not do anything

210. to mess this up.

211. Our whole family needs me

212. to have this job.

213. Don't worry, Mom,

214. if it will save the family,

215. I won't stack

216. the toilet paper sideways.

217. Those kinds of

218. wisenheimer remarks

219. are exactly what I'm

220. talking about. Now go.

221. You don't want to be late

222. for the training session.

223. Hello, I'm Dale Young,

224. district supervisor.

225. Now, we're going to have

226. a lot of Lucky Aide fun today,

227. but there's also a lot

228. for our new trainees to learn.

229. Not to mention our employees

230. who need a little refresher.

231. What is this, Feldspar—

232. the fifth time?

233. We can call it that.

234. You leave the store

235. unlocked one night,

236. it's like the

237. sky fell in.

238. Mr. Feldspar,

239. I'm sure you don't want

240. to get your fellow

241. trainee in trouble.

242. You must be Malcolm, Lois' boy.

243. Hey, tell me,

244. is Beans as much fun at home

245. as she is at work?

246. Who?

247. Hey, Dave,

248. can you picture

249. Beans having kids?

250. Beans?

251. Now, we're gonna start with

252. a little instructional video,

253. and then I hope everyone has

254. their role-playing hats on.

255. Lucky Aide—

256. It's another word for "family,"

257. and like family,

258. we all pull

259. in the same direction,

260. toward the same goal,

261. from the lowliest stock boy...

262. to the district managers...

263. all the way up to the president.

264. Was that...?

265. We're proud of our 95%

266. employee retention rate.

267. You may think you're

268. just starting a job,

269. but when you join

270. the Lucky Aide family,

271. you're here for life.

272. Mr. Young said you

273. did great in training.

274. Well, what can

275. I say, Beans?

276. Oh, I'm sorry, Beans.

277. Did I say something

278. wrong, Beans?

279. Now, I went

280. to a lot of trouble

281. to make sure you

282. could work with Albert.

283. He really knows

284. what he's doing.

285. You're gonna learn

286. a lot from him.

287. Hey, Albert!

288. This is my son, Malcolm.

289. Nah, that can't be your son.

290. He ain't beautiful enough.

291. Did she just giggle?

292. Okay, now.

293. Those are empty boxes.

294. Yes. They are.

295. Good. Now, what you do is

296. you take them

297. in the freight elevator

298. to the basement

299. to the box-flattening area.

300. You flatten the boxes,

301. then take them

302. back up the elevator,

303. go out by the loading dock

304. and throw them in the Dumpster.

305. I figure, it's about

306. six or seven trips.

307. Shouldn't take you

308. more than two hours.

309. That Dumpster

310. right over there?

311. Yes.

312. If I flatten them here, I can

313. be done in, like, 20 minutes.

314. You take them in the freight

315. elevator to the basement

316. to the box-flattening area.

317. No, I got it.

318. I was just wondering if...

319. I understand.

320. So I broke down the boxes

321. right next to the Dumpster

322. and saved so much time

323. I was able

324. to sweep out the stock room

325. and do a whole week's

326. worth of returns.

327. That's great. Sounds like

328. you had a good first day.

329. So, what part

330. of "box-flattening area"

331. don't you understand?

332. Huh?

333. You were seen flattening boxes

334. outside of the designated

335. box-flattening area.

336. I thought

337. I made myself clear.

338. Why even have

339. a box-flattening area

340. if you don't flatten

341. the boxes there?

342. But it only took me 20 minutes,

343. so I was able to... Mom.

344. Albert, I'm sorry.

345. I'll write him up.

346. What? But you just said that...

347. You're supposed to

348. do as you're told.

349. Thanks for taking

350. the heat off me.

351. I forgot my shoes again.

352. This is ridiculous!

353. You're being completely

354. arbitrary and asinine.

355. One minute you're

356. telling me I'm

357. doing a great job,

358. and the next minute

359. you're writing me up!

360. You broke the rules, Malcolm.

361. Come on, that box-flattening

362. area is a stupid rule.

363. You know I'm right.

364. Albert is

365. a grade-five employee.

366. He has put in

367. 20 years of service time.

368. Sometimes

369. that's more important

370. than what's right or wrong.

371. Who are you?

372. Stop being

373. so melodramatic.

374. No, seriously, I want to know.

375. Because the mother I know

376. has spent her entire

377. life ranting

378. about always doing the right

379. thing, no matter what the cost,

380. no matter how

381. unpopular it is,

382. and now you're

383. standing here

384. getting all caught up

385. in who's a grade five

386. and blindly

387. obeying authority.

388. Honestly, Malcolm,

389. where'd you get the idea

390. that a job is

391. supposed to be fun?

392. That's not what

393. I'm talking about!

394. The truth is, work

395. is hard and miserable

396. and nobody likes doing it.

397. I have the greatest job

398. in the world!

399. You got a job?

400. Yeah,

401. with Hygienic Meat Packing.

402. All I do all day is cut meat.

403. With knives and saws.

404. There's blood everywhere

405. and there's all these guys

406. swearing in Spanish,

407. and they pay me

408. 12 bucks an hour!

409. 12 bucks an hour?

410. I only make $5.50.

411. Actually,

412. with the write-up,

413. you're bumped down to $3.75.

414. Now you better go

415. finish your homework.

416. Dinner's in

417. a half an hour.

418. I am so proud of you guys.

419. You're so open

420. to connecting with your babies.

421. If my dads

422. were like you,

423. I'm sure I wouldn't have slept

424. with so many men in college.

425. See you next class.

426. We can't wait.

427. Okay, I've got Jamie to win

428. and Kevin to show.

429. Jamie's diaper...

430. Two pounds.

431. Yes!

432. Dakota...

433. Two and a

434. quarter pounds.

435. Yes.

436. Jasmine...

437. Four pounds?

438. Man, that's unholy.

439. I am so sorry

440. I was ever disappointed

441. you were born a girl.

442. Reese, this meat

443. is delicious. Thank you.

444. Malcolm, would you

445. like another piece?

446. I don't think I'm authorized

447. to make that decision.

448. Maybe we should ask

449. a grade-five employee.

450. Hey, I'm a grade-five employee.

451. Wow. How

452. do they get

453. the meat this tender?

454. Well, that's

455. the thing about veal.

456. Imagine if you took Jamie

457. and put him in a little box

458. where he would never

459. see daylight.

460. You don't let him move so his

461. muscles don't get all tough.

462. He's basically blind and you

463. force-feed him nothing but milk.

464. That's what makes him

465. taste so good.

466. Hal, how did Jamie

467. do in class today?

468. Fine. I guess.

469. For a kid

470. who can't fill a diaper.

471. This is strange.

472. Why would we have

473. so many leftovers?

474. You hung up on me!

475. What are you doing here?

476. I told you.

477. I can't handle Reese

478. and Malcolm anymore.

479. I need a good big brother

480. before it's too late!

481. I'm like one wedgie away

482. from an eating disorder.

483. You're here by yourself?

484. Francis, please, all

485. I want is a few minutes

486. of someone being nice to me.

487. Is that really

488. such a big thing for

489. a kid my age to ask?

490. Dad, Dad, Dad,

491. calm down. He's fine.

492. I have the day off Saturday.

493. I'll bring him home then.

494. You gotta give him

495. credit, you know.

496. He got to the ranch

497. all by himself.

498. The first time you tried,

499. you ended up in Mexico.

500. Of course, I'd be happy

501. to carry your bags outside.

502. We wouldn't want you

503. to get all hot and sweaty

504. out in the blaring heat

505. of the parking lot.

506. Malcolm. You're not

507. scheduled for today.

508. I'm just looking

509. for my mom.

510. She's out back on her break.

511. Last night, Mom accused me

512. of being obsessive

513. about getting written up.

514. So I stayed up all last night

515. thinking up

516. a bunch of comebacks,

517. and I even have

518. potential comebacks

519. to every possible comeback

520. of hers. There is no way she...

521. You're smoking?

522. After all the times

523. you lectured us?

524. After telling us

525. if we smoked,

526. you would kill us

527. before the cancer did?

528. After you would

529. push Francis'

530. lit cigarettes back in his mouth

531. and make him swallow?

532. And you smoke?

533. You smoke?

534. Look, it's not what you think.

535. When I work,

536. I have two cigarettes—

537. one on my morning break,

538. one in the afternoon.

539. No more, no less.

540. Who are you?

541. You have to stop saying that.

542. I will quit eventually,

543. but until then, the only thing

544. that's stopping your father

545. from smoking six packs a day

546. is knowing that

547. we quit together.

548. But you didn't quit.

549. But he knows I did.

550. But you didn't!

551. He knows I did.

552. You lie and you smoke.

553. Oh, for God's sake, Malcolm.

554. Lois, Lois, I just remembered

555. you were holding

556. my lit cigarette in your hand,

557. and I wanted

558. to thank you

559. for holding on

560. to my cigarettes...

561. which are mine.

562. He knows.

563. Okay.

564. I think I left

565. my register open.

566. Okay, Malcolm, you caught me.

567. This has to be kept secret.

568. So I'm going to ask you

569. for a favor.

570. A favor?

571. You're asking me

572. for a favor

573. after you totally

574. hung me out to dry.

575. I'm just asking for

576. a little flexibility.

577. Please.

578. For your father and for me,

579. just keep the smoking

580. to yourself.

581. Please.

582. Yeah, okay.

583. Wow, she's talking to me

584. like a human being.

585. This can't get

586. any weirder.

587. Thank you, Malcolm.

588. Yes, it can.

589. I can't believe

590. I used to think

591. that taking care

592. of the baby was a chore.

593. This class has

594. really opened my eyes.

595. Time.

596. Aiden wins again.

597. I knew I shouldn't let you have

598. that cracker.

599. I'll pay you

600. next class.

601. I got to go.

602. You're not going

603. to stick around

604. for the suction contest?

605. Will you take a watch?

606. Don't get too down about

607. this probation thing.

608. This job is mostly

609. a beauty pageant.

610. You know what's weird?

611. You get used to thinking

612. of a person as being

613. so much more powerful

614. than you,

615. then something shifts and

616. it becomes kind of awkward.

617. Oh, my God, are you

618. my boss now?

619. What?

620. This is so unfair.

621. Year after year,

622. why can't...

623. It's nice to see one

624. of the good guys win.

625. Why don't you

626. take a load off.

627. I'll go get you

628. a cup of joe.

629. No worries, chief.

630. Whoa.

631. Malcolm.

632. It's not what it looks like.

633. Lois, sorry,

634. are you in there?

635. I'll explain later.

636. I know exactly what this

637. looks like to you,

638. but I'm asking you for

639. a little flexibility.

640. Trust me.

641. Lois, where's the...?

642. What's going on here?

643. Well, I'll have to

644. write Malcolm up again.

645. He's flattened

646. another box

647. outside of the box

648. flattening area.

649. The guys at work are great.

650. I already have a nickname—

651. Ten Fingers.

652. The old Ten Fingers

653. wasn't using it anymore.

654. I'm proud of you, son.

655. You're working now.

656. I feel like I could

657. talk to you, man to man.

658. You know, about

659. grown up things—

660. expenses...

661. cheaters...

662. Can I borrow

663. some money from you?

664. Yeah. How much do you need?

665. Uh... how much do you have?

666. Why don't you just tell me

667. how much you need.

668. 100... 2...

669. and another 100.

670. You might want to rinse off

671. the bills in cold water.

672. They stick together.

673. It was so cool

674. when that guy

675. at the truck stop

676. blew the smoke ring

677. out of the hole in his throat.

678. That was fun, wasn't it?

679. How come you're the only good

680. one in the family?

681. Why didn't any of it

682. rub off on Reese or Malcolm?

683. Dewey, would you cut it out?

684. No, I mean it.

685. You're such a good brother.

686. I'll bet they didn't

687. even appreciate it.

688. Dewey! I was never like this

689. with Reese and Malcolm.

690. I treated them like crap.

691. Way worse than

692. they treat you.

693. That's impossible.

694. I tortured them all the time.

695. I beat them up,

696. I took their stuff,

697. I locked them in closets.

698. You know that scar

699. on Reese's back?

700. That's from a bayonet.

701. Where did I even get a bayonet?

702. But you couldn't have.

703. The way they talk about you...

704. They love you so much.

705. Dewey, let me let you in

706. on a little secret.

707. Sometimes people love people

708. for no reason.

709. Like Whoopi Goldberg.

710. Hmm.

711. It's even weirder with brothers.

712. So you're saying...

713. I'm the only one

714. you were ever nice to?

715. Pretty much.

716. You know, you have

717. a real opportunity here.

718. You can break the cycle.

719. You can be a good

720. brother to Jamie.

721. You can be the one

722. kid in this family

723. who takes care of the younger

724. one and looks out for him.

725. How is that fair?

726. Yeah, you're right.

727. Trying to impress

728. the cool kids?

729. Hey, Malcolm. Good news.

730. The head

731. of security told me

732. that the surveillance

733. cameras proved

734. you didn't flatten

735. that box on purpose.

736. You're also using

737. too much soap in the bathroom.

738. Anyway, you're off probation.

739. Wow, thanks for going

740. to the mat for me.

741. What is your problem?

742. My problem is, I have

743. no idea who you are.

744. I thought I had

745. this mother

746. that was abrupt

747. and short-tempered and rude,

748. but who at least would stand up

749. for what's right.

750. That's not who you are.

751. I did something nice for you,

752. and you act like it

753. didn't even happen.

754. You did something nice for me

755. because it was

756. the right thing to do.

757. I'm simply making you obey rules

758. because I'm your mother.

759. That's not fair.

760. If this favor thing

761. doesn't work both ways,

762. then why am I keeping

763. a big secret for you?

764. Why shouldn't I just tell Dad?

765. You're not going

766. to tell your father.

767. How do you know?

768. Because, Malcolm,

769. that's not who you are.

770. Why do you do this to me?

771. Malcolm, I know

772. this is hard for you.

773. You're growing up.

774. You're sick of living

775. under my authority.

776. You want me to cut

777. you some slack.

778. You're wondering

779. when I'll finally

780. see you as an adult.

781. Well... that's never

782. going to happen.

783. That's just not

784. the way

785. it works.

786. You can move

787. away from home,

788. you can get married,

789. even have kids of your own,

790. you can even become

791. a professor of physics at MIT.

792. I will always be your mother.

793. And that's just the way

794. it is until one of us dies.

795. You want to put your head

796. between your knees

797. for a few seconds?

798. No, I'm okay.

799. Look...

800. will you please

801. just give me one thing?

802. Please stop smoking.

803. I already quit.

804. Are you lying?

805. Of course not.

806. Okay, Jamie.

807. It all comes down to this.

808. Just do it like we practiced

809. in the garage.

810. Go, go, go.

811. We've got the whole family

812. together.

813. We should celebrate with

814. a nice dinner at...

815. Pay up, suckers!

816. You treated your babies

817. like they were made of glass,

818. and now you suffer.

819. What are you waiting for?

820. I want to remember

821. that goofy smile.

822. Nobody's going to be

823. seeing that for a long time.

824. Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

825. Look at me! Whoo-hoo!