Malcolm in the Middle 5x5

1. Come on, we can't.

2. We'll wake up the baby.

3. That is what

4. old reliable is for.

5. Besides, babies at this age

6. don't remember anything.

7. What is wrong with you?

8. You two ruin everything.

9. Look what you've done

10. to this shirt.

11. You saw the price tag,

12. and you knew

13. I'd just bought it.

14. This has become a daily event.

15. She actually pays more attention

16. to them than to us.

17. Maybe that's not a bad thing.

18. Do you think I can afford

19. to keep on buying new clothes?

20. Oh, honey, come on.

21. Hey. Enough is enough.

22. Look, I want you to go out and

23. buy a new washer and dryer.

24. You know we can't afford that.

25. Look, I wasn't going

26. to say anything yet,

27. but you know all those

28. crappy stock options

29. I've been getting

30. instead of bonuses?

31. Well, I think they're finally

32. going to be worth something.

33. There have been people flying

34. back and forth to New York

35. and all these

36. closed-door meetings.

37. I think that merger is

38. finally going through.

39. Oh, Hal, that

40. would be wonderful.

41. Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.

42. Don't want to be late

43. for school today.

44. I'm handing in my diorama.

45. No, no, no!

46. 16 weeks of

47. Intermediate Psychology,

48. and you can't classify

49. a simple test case?

50. I thought at least your ears

51. were functional, Kenarban.

52. I know castration complex

53. when I see it.

54. I'm trying to get you

55. to go beyond convenient labels.

56. To quote Blake,

57. "To generalize is to be a fool."

58. Idiot.

59. Excuse me?

60. Blake wrote, "To generalize

61. is to be an idiot."

62. Thank you, Malcolm.

63. Tomorrow, people, I want

64. progress reports on

65. your term projects.

66. I have to talk to Herkabe for

67. a second. Will you wait up?

68. Got gym.

69. Have to change...

70. my tires.

71. Mr. Herkabe, you still haven't

72. given me my term project.

73. I've been asking you

74. every day for a month.

75. Malcolm, you make it

76. sound like I'm trying

77. to sabotage your impeccable

78. grade-point average.

79. Please just give me something

80. so I can get started.

81. All right, tell you what.

82. Why don't you come by

83. my office at lunch

84. and I'll give you

85. your assignment.

86. Your office?

87. Why is everybody so

88. afraid of my office?

89. A reminder,

90. class officer ballots

91. can be picked up

92. at the registrar's office.

93. JV basketball practice

94. will again be held

95. in the auxiliary gym.

96. Oh, and Patty Lin committed

97. a Code Nine in the library

98. and is hereby suspended.

99. I trust the stick

100. of gum was worth it.

101. Ah, Malcolm.

102. You have waited

103. very patiently

104. for your term project,

105. and today your patience

106. pays off.

107. Here.

108. What's this?

109. You are holding a video

110. surveillance camera.

111. The lens is in the logo,

112. and the video is transmitted

113. via wireless signal

114. to this digital tape recorder.

115. What am I supposed

116. to do with it?

117. You are going

118. to secretly conduct

119. an in-depth case study

120. of a deviant mind,

121. the most deviant mind

122. that we have at our disposal.

123. A mind incapable

124. of differentiating

125. between right and wrong,

126. a diseased...

127. You're talking about my brother.

128. Yes.

129. And you want me

130. to secretly videotape him?

131. Around you, he'll relax,

132. let his guard down,

133. begin to talk about himself.

134. These disciplinary files reveal

135. nothing of the real Reese.

136. What you're asking me to do

137. is creepy on about

138. a hundred different levels.

139. You have one week.

140. The newspaper is here.

141. The newspaper

142. is here.

143. The newspaper is here.

144. You know those come

145. out every day, right?

146. No, no, today is the day

147. our review appears

148. in the Lifestyle section.

149. Charles Cutler himself came out.

150. He only does the biggies.

151. Francis, you read it—

152. I'm too nervous.

153. "A visit to the Grotto

154. raises many questions,

155. "foremost among them,

156. "how could a kind and loving God

157. grant these monsters

158. a hotel license?"

159. "From the

160. swinish cretins

161. "posing as staff members

162. up to and including

163. "cuisine that would

164. embarrass an orphanage,

165. "the Grotto is quite simply

166. the worst hotel in the

167. history of the world."

168. I'm sorry. I was so nervous,

169. I wasn't even listening.

170. Start again.

171. Hey, have you seen

172. Dewey anywhere?

173. I want to try

174. something out on him.

175. No. So, uh, how are you?

176. Huh?

177. I'm just curious

178. how you're feeling.

179. How the hell should I know?

180. Well, are you happy?

181. Are you sad?

182. Like, when you laugh,

183. you're feeling that

184. something's funny.

185. Like when I tripped Arthur Hall

186. and his retainer

187. went flying out of his mouth

188. into a pile of dog crap?

189. That was awesome.

190. So you think it's funny

191. when other people get hurt?

192. I think it's funny

193. when you shut up.

194. Okay. Okay.

195. Hey, they laugh at me.

196. People laugh at you?

197. Yeah, people laugh at me.

198. But not for long.

199. So, what you're saying is,

200. when people laugh

201. at you, it hurts,

202. and then you want

203. to make them hurt, too?

204. No. What I'm saying is,

205. if you want to talk

206. like a girl, go find a girl—

207. and take this with you.

208. See? It is funny.

209. Ow.

210. The 4400 has

211. the dual-speed rinse cycle?

212. Mm-hmm. No. No, I placed

213. my order four days ago.

214. I just like talking about it.

215. Hi, Dewey. How was school?

216. Good. Great.

217. I was definitely there.

218. Eight times five— 40.

219. What are you...?

220. Hello?

221. Hi, honey.

222. What have you heard?

223. You're kidding.

224. Well, who was at the meeting?

225. Everybody.

226. People have been running

227. in and out

228. of the boardroom all day.

229. No, I've just

230. been playing Tetris.

231. Oop. Here he comes.

232. Hal.

233. Mr. Fortinberry.

234. Could you pull my jacket

235. up over my head?

236. Sure.

237. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

238. It's unbelievable.

239. The whole company

240. is under investigation.

241. They used the pension fund

242. to buy a recording studio

243. for the CEO's girlfriend.

244. Oh, Hal, this is horrible.

245. Okay, okay. Don't

246. worry about this.

247. We're going to figure

248. this out somehow.

249. Hello, Gene, it's Lois.

250. Order 387669289-1—

251. I'm afraid I have to cancel.

252. Great.

253. The Flagstaff Elks

254. just canceled

255. their convention here.

256. Who can blame them?

257. That review was horrible.

258. Hey, Otto.

259. How's it going? We going to get

260. out of the robe today?

261. Innkeeper of the Year?

262. Hmm.

263. It is the lie of the century.

264. Otto, what are you doing?

265. You worked hard for that award.

266. What was that, Francis?

267. I couldn't hear you

268. over the crackle

269. of my failure.

270. I have dreams

271. where I sing.

272. Really high, like that

273. Saturday Night Fever guy.

274. Okay.

275. Well, you were sort of asking me

276. about, you know, stuff.

277. I thought you

278. wanted to know.

279. I do want to know.

280. Is your head cold?

281. Mine is.

282. No. It's okay.

283. So, you were singing

284. in this dream?

285. Yeah.

286. And there were all

287. these clouds around me.

288. You like clouds?

289. Yeah, I like clouds.

290. I call them sky kittens.

291. This is so weird.

292. I've never told any

293. of this to anyone.

294. It's like you're

295. another wishing hole.

296. What's a wishing hole?

297. You don't have a wishing hole?

298. No.

299. Oh, man, you got to get one.

300. Mine's in a tree

301. on Jefferson Street.

302. You can ask your wishing hole

303. for anything.

304. It never calls you

305. stupid or perv.

306. My hole always

307. keeps my wishes safe.

308. It's like a bank for wishes.

309. It's extraordinary footage.

310. Yeah, but I only got it

311. by doing something

312. totally dishonest.

313. I'm not doing

314. this anymore.

315. What?

316. Why would you stop now

317. when you could go

318. so much deeper?

319. He took me to his wishing hole.

320. Malcolm,

321. he wants to talk to you.

322. Be his friend.

323. He trusted me, and

324. I exploited him.

325. That's called

326. being a good interviewer.

327. It's called being a liar.

328. He's my brother.

329. I'm not giving you

330. another assignment.

331. Fine. I'll just make up

332. the class in summer school.

333. But I quit.

334. There are... 50 kinds...

335. of negative...

336. trans...

337. ference.

338. Starting with...

339. Well done, Stevie.

340. I think we can all just

341. fill in the blanks from there.

342. Now, we have just enough time

343. for one more presentation.

344. And our friend Malcolm

345. is going to amaze us

346. with a fascinating update

347. of the Milgram Experiment.

348. Milgram Experiment?

349. Oh, something

350. you don't know, Malcolm.

351. The Milgram Experiment

352. was a lesson

353. in the power of authority.

354. A subject was asked

355. by a man in a lab coat

356. to administer an electric shock

357. to a third party.

358. Milgram proved

359. that people will blindly

360. follow an authority figure

361. even if it means

362. harming an innocent stranger.

363. What are you doing?

364. In our version,

365. the stranger will be replaced

366. by a close family member.

367. And the electric shock

368. will be replaced

369. by devastating emotional trauma.

370. Let's watch.

371. Yeah, I like clouds.

372. I call them sky kittens.

373. It's troubling, isn't it?

374. How willing someone is

375. to sell out his own brother,

376. knowing full well

377. that it's exactly that kind

378. of juicy gossip

379. that would compel

380. each of you to run into the quad

381. and spread this throughout

382. the school like wildfire.

383. Hey, that is not...

384. Malcolm, I am teaching.

385. It's called being a liar.

386. He's my brother.

387. And I exploited him.

388. A liar.

389. He's my brother.

390. And I exploited him.

391. And I exploited him.

392. You never said

393. you were taping me.

394. I never said I was taping him.

395. I wish Malcolm

396. and I will be friends forever.

397. Breathtaking, isn't it?

398. Now, none of us can know

399. if we would do that

400. to a loved one just because

401. a man in a proverbial lab coat

402. asked us to.

403. All we can know for certain...

404. is that Malcolm did.

405. Tomorrow, Katy reports

406. on post-traumatic

407. stress disorder in fruit flies.

408. Hey! You made me look

409. like a total jerk!

410. You tricked me!

411. Tricked you? Oh, how could I,

412. a humble school administrator

413. making low five figures,

414. be any match

415. for the great

416. and powerful Malcolm?

417. Never underestimate

418. your adversary!

419. You may consider yourself my

420. moral and intellectual superior,

421. but this has clearly proven

422. you are neither.

423. We played the game and I won.

424. Well, it looks as if

425. neither of us

426. is going anywhere for a while.

427. Perhaps I said some things

428. that you may have taken

429. the wrong way.

430. Anyway, I bought you something.

431. Name-brand fabric softener.

432. Oh, look at this.

433. Our chief financial officer

434. had his dog

435. on the board of directors.

436. I had to cc him

437. on every memo.

438. Mom, Dad,

439. I have a question about school.

440. Let's say you're making

441. a lot of money.

442. I mean,

443. so much money

444. that the idea

445. of going to school is...

446. You have

447. to go to school.

448. But what if you're

449. already making,

450. like, $400 or $500 a week?

451. Yeah, Dewey,

452. you start making

453. $400 or $500 a week,

454. you can quit school.

455. Okay.

456. This is an official apology.

457. I'm a terrible person

458. and I'm sorry.

459. What I did was horrible

460. even by our standards.

461. And let's face it,

462. we've set the bar

463. pretty low.

464. Look, I'm begging you.

465. Tell me what I can do

466. to fix it, anything.

467. Just, just say it

468. and I'll do it.

469. Sure.

470. Fly backwards around the Earth

471. like Superman

472. and turn back time

473. to before I thought

474. we liked each other.

475. I still can't believe

476. you convinced the newspaper

477. to give us another review.

478. Honey, you of all people know

479. how persuasive I can be.

480. You cried.

481. Like a baby.

482. He is here!

483. Everyone, act normal!

484. Welcome to the Grotto.

485. Ah, the Grotto.

486. Upon entering, one wonders

487. which of the five senses

488. is most brutally

489. violated.

490. Did you have a nice drive up?

491. Sight and smell immediately

492. burst into the lead

493. as the obsequious innkeeper

494. offers his sweaty slab of a hand

495. like a bear taught

496. to be friendly

497. in hopes of a sugar cube.

498. Mr. Cutler, if you would

499. just give us a chance...

500. And the pleading vultures

501. immediately begin to circle.

502. Their outlet mall attire

503. creating such a vortex

504. of misery that one loses

505. the strength to even ask

506. for a parking validation.

507. I'll take that

508. for you, sir.

509. In a pathetic nod to diversity,

510. they trot out

511. the token native employee.

512. Uh, that's my wife.

513. Not content to merely ruin

514. the vacations

515. of a single generation,

516. some of the employees

517. decide to mate and breed.

518. The mind reels, the thought

519. of an endless stream

520. of baboon-like hoteliers spewed

521. out of the loins of the...

522. Otto, I'm sorry.

523. I don't know what happened.

524. It was like someone else

525. was punching him.

526. Yeah, it was me.

527. Here's some of his hair

528. if you need to put it

529. on ice or something.

530. One recalls

531. fiercer butt-kickings

532. meted out

533. on a preschool playground.

534. The wounds are superficial,

535. the bruising patterns

536. unpersuasive.

537. And never before has one seen

538. such a grotesque ceiling.

539. And frankly,

540. blue is not your...

541. Hey, there's Mr. Curtis!

542. See, he's using Pete the muffin

543. guy as a human shield.

544. Come on.

545. There's just a pair

546. of socks in there.

547. What are you doing?

548. Oh, my God!

549. Look at all this money.

550. Hal, when did you

551. hide this in here?

552. I don't remember.

553. It must have been

554. years ago.

555. Is this my Jet Ski fund?

556. No, no. We used that to get the

557. remote control out of Reese.

558. There's got to be like

559. a thousand dollars!

560. $1,473.

561. Who cares what

562. it's from!

563. Thank God it's here!

564. You're a part

565. of this moment, son.

566. Here, buy yourself

567. a pack of baseball cards.

568. Ow!

569. Why'd you do that?

570. Why you do that?

571. Fight, fight, fight!

572. (all chanting):

573. Fight, fight, fight!

574. Animals.

575. Hello, North High students.

576. This is Malcolm.

577. You all know the horrible thing

578. I did to my brother Reese.

579. And I'd like

580. to publicly apologize

581. for turning him

582. into a laughingstock.

583. I should never have exposed

584. his secrets.

585. And I can't turn back time.

586. I can, however,

587. level the playing field.

588. I have been

589. having impure thoughts

590. about Shirley the lunch lady.

591. Last month, I caught a glimpse

592. of her cleavage

593. and I've been fantasizing

594. about her ever since.

595. And now that I've admitted that,

596. I'm just as big a laughingstock

597. as he is.

598. Unfortunately,

599. that doesn't protect him

600. from the rest of the school.

601. So I'm forced to bring everyone

602. down to our level.

603. Let's take a look

604. at everyone's

605. permanent records.

606. First up,

607. David Abernathy.

608. He wasn't on a construction crew

609. this summer.

610. He was in theater camp.

611. Cheryl Adams

612. is excused from gym this week

613. because her herpes

614. is flaring up.

615. Charlie Agnew wets his bed

616. every night during finals.

617. Leslie Albert forged her

618. parents' signatures

619. to get a nose job.

620. Well, Mr. Zyzyx, I'd say

621. we have a half an hour

622. to erase everything

623. on your hard drive.

624. James Allen...

625. James Allen, he likes

626. to eat his...

627. What's all this?

628. Did you see the paper!

629. It is wonderful!

630. He actually gave us

631. a good review?

632. There is no review.

633. They bumped it for a much

634. more interesting story.

635. "Crazed local attacks reviewer"?

636. But what's with

637. all the flowers?

638. They are thank-yous from

639. restaurants and hotels

640. and art galleries.

641. Charles Cutler is the most

642. hated man in the state.

643. And look at these room

644. reservations.

645. Other hotels

646. have sent us their overflow.

647. We are booked solid

648. through May.

649. I can't believe this guy.

650. He actually reviewed

651. the hospital.

652. Oh, yeah, it sounds terrible.

653. I'm never going there.

654. If you overload it,

655. you'll burn out the motor.

656. You're only supposed

657. to use two caps of...

658. Aw, just let me do it.

659. Well, I served my three weeks

660. suspension,

661. and I got to say

662. things have really changed.

663. I think I might have created

664. the most polite high school

665. in America.

666. For the most part.

667. Hey, plagiarizer.

668. Hey, pukes-after-she-eats.

669. Hey, dad-had-a-breakdown-

670. 'cause-mom-went-lesbian.

671. He actually has an amazing

672. memory for this kind of stuff.