1. You're only going to take
off a quarter-inch on the sides,Copy !req
2. leave the top
and just clean up the back.Copy !req
3. Reese, I've done this
a million times.Copy !req
4. Mom, look.
I just rippedCopy !req
5. my brand-new shirtCopy !req
6. sneaking into the reservoir—Copy !req
7. that place you clearly
ordered me never to go.Copy !req
8. I don't know why
I do these thingsCopy !req
9. that are so
infuriating to you,Copy !req
10. but the funny thing is,
I don't even care.Copy !req
11. Damn it, Dewey,
go to your room!Copy !req
12. Let's get this
over with!Copy !req
13. No, Mom! Count to ten!
Count to ten!Copy !req
14. Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.Copy !req
15. I'll tell you
what I'm thankful for.Copy !req
16. I finally made friends
with some normal kids at school.Copy !req
17. Normal kids.Copy !req
18. We've been hanging out here
all afternoon,Copy !req
19. and nobody's mentioned
grass allergiesCopy !req
20. or pollen count.Copy !req
21. Malcolm, I never noticed
what nice eyes you have.Copy !req
22. Really?
Kirsten Stuart.Copy !req
23. I think she likes me,
but I can never be sure.Copy !req
24. Yeah, I guess
I was distractedCopy !req
25. by your freakishly large head.Copy !req
26. Mostly 'cause of stuff
like that.Copy !req
27. Hey, guys, I've got to go.Copy !req
28. Hey, party at my house,
Thanksgiving.Copy !req
29. Three cases of beer. No one's
leaving till their gone.Copy !req
30. Your parents are out of town?Copy !req
31. No.Copy !req
32. Oh, sweet. Yeah, of course.Copy !req
33. Cute butt.Copy !req
34. Why'd you have
to spoil it?Copy !req
35. I know what she's trying to do.Copy !req
36. She's trying to confuse me,
throw me off balance.Copy !req
37. But you know what?
It's not going...Copy !req
38. Reese!Copy !req
39. Grab an apron.Copy !req
40. It's 6:30 in the morning.Copy !req
41. Yes, I know.Copy !req
42. That means
I have exactly 12 hours leftCopy !req
43. to create the most
fantastic Thanksgiving feastCopy !req
44. in the history
of Thanksgiving feasts.Copy !req
45. What's with the sheets?Copy !req
46. I can't cook with
distractions.Copy !req
47. I don't think that's...Copy !req
48. Dad, remember
the chocolate souffléCopy !req
49. I made for Thanksgiving
two years ago?Copy !req
50. Oh, yeah. That was...Copy !req
51. Rat puke compared to
what I have planned!Copy !req
52. The crepes I made
last Thanksgiving?Copy !req
53. Ooh, they were...Copy !req
54. Crap next to what
we're having tonight!Copy !req
55. Don't think of
this as a meal.Copy !req
56. This is going to be like
eating the Mona Lisa.Copy !req
57. Reese, I hardly think
you can comp...Copy !req
58. Oh, my God.Copy !req
59. What do you need?Copy !req
60. Your mindless,
robot-like obedienceCopy !req
61. to every demand I make—
no matter how small.Copy !req
62. Plus, we get to eat anything
that falls on the floor.Copy !req
63. Ooh!Copy !req
64. I'm going over to Dylan's.
I'll be back by dinner.Copy !req
65. Dylan— whom I've never met
because you're afraidCopy !req
66. to have me find out what a
bad choice he is as a friend?Copy !req
67. He's okay, Mom. There's going to
be other kids from school there.Copy !req
68. It's sort of like a party.
I really want to go.Copy !req
69. Well, your family is having
sort of like a party, too.Copy !req
70. It's called Thanksgiving.
Now, it's true we'reCopy !req
71. not a bunch of friends
you just met last week.Copy !req
72. We're only the people
who have sacrificed our livesCopy !req
73. for years
so that you could have a home.Copy !req
74. I'll only be gone
a couple hours, okay?Copy !req
75. You mean like the couple
of hours you were jammedCopy !req
76. half-in and half-out of me
when you were being born?Copy !req
77. Half an hour?
I just don't understandCopy !req
78. what is so horrible
about our family.Copy !req
79. Yes, she does.Copy !req
80. I mean, why on earth
would you preferCopy !req
81. to be somewhere elseCopy !req
82. for Thanksgiving?Copy !req
83. I love her!Copy !req
84. And if the two of you
are too dead insideCopy !req
85. to understand what that means,
then I just pity you.Copy !req
86. No, no, Dad, I understand.Copy !req
87. When you get a new toothbrush
and you want to break it in...Copy !req
88. Go ahead and say it, Lois.Copy !req
89. Well, happy Thanksgiving.Copy !req
90. I'll just go over there
and tell them I'm not coming.Copy !req
91. Do whatever you want.Copy !req
92. Even though your
brother hasCopy !req
93. traveled hundreds
of miles with her.Copy !req
94. Piama.
I know her name.Copy !req
95. Your family is going to be here,Copy !req
96. and we are going
to have a lovely Thanksgiving.Copy !req
97. I will not keep
my voice down!Copy !req
98. What, you think they won't know
in, like, five minutesCopy !req
99. that we're getting a divorce?Copy !req
100. Sorry, we're having
some problems.Copy !req
101. Having some problems?Copy !req
102. Is that what you
call finding outCopy !req
103. that all the love that
we shared was a lie?Copy !req
104. Hi, Mom.Copy !req
105. Malcolm, you better go
get your father.Copy !req
106. Malcolm!Copy !req
107. This party's pretty cool.Copy !req
108. And, you know,Copy !req
109. I think I've figured
Kirsten out.Copy !req
110. It's more of a friend-brother
kind of thing.Copy !req
111. It's not really sexual.Copy !req
112. Then again...Copy !req
113. Beer man.Copy !req
114. My stepdad drinks so much,
he never counts it.Copy !req
115. Malcolm?Copy !req
116. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
117. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
118. Hey, guys, how's it going?Copy !req
119. I need something to warm up
that Arctic windCopy !req
120. she's blowing up there.Copy !req
121. No offense to your mother.Copy !req
122. I love her very much.Copy !req
123. It's cool, Art.Copy !req
124. All right. You kids have fun.Copy !req
125. Somebody drop a beer?Copy !req
126. Sorry.Copy !req
127. My parents are
a little less casualCopy !req
128. about the whole beer thing.Copy !req
129. I bet you kiss
like a nine-year-old.Copy !req
130. What?Copy !req
131. What?Copy !req
132. Okay, this one I do know
what she was doing.Copy !req
133. It was a total come-on.Copy !req
134. I'll show her
how a nine-year-old can kiss.Copy !req
135. Hey.Copy !req
136. Don't tell me not to cry!Copy !req
137. Maybe my tears
will make an oceanCopy !req
138. and you can sail off
on a boatCopy !req
139. to a new life without me!Copy !req
140. How did this happen?
It's terrible.Copy !req
141. What's that look, Hal?Copy !req
142. Come on, Lois.
You've been tryingCopy !req
143. to undercut this relationship
from the start.Copy !req
144. And now all of a sudden,
they're getting a divorceCopy !req
145. and you had nothing
to do with it?Copy !req
146. Please. You really think
I have that much powerCopy !req
147. to orchestrate people's lives
besides yours?Copy !req
148. All I know is that
our son is talkingCopy !req
149. about ending his marriage—Copy !req
150. a marriage which
you never supported.Copy !req
151. Hal, that's ridiculous.
Fine, fine.Copy !req
152. You want me to go
talk to Francis?Copy !req
153. Yes. No!Copy !req
154. No, no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
155. This is some way for you
to try to work out your agenda.Copy !req
156. Fine. I will not say
a word to either one of 'em.Copy !req
157. Good.Copy !req
158. Wait.
You won't say anything,Copy !req
159. which means you're just
going to letCopy !req
160. this whole thing
fall apart.Copy !req
161. Oh, I see your game, Lois.Copy !req
162. Hal, what is it
you want me to do?Copy !req
163. No, no, you are not dragging meCopy !req
164. into your little Machiavellian
schemes, thank you very much.Copy !req
165. No, you spun these
tangled webs yourself, Lois.Copy !req
166. You get yourself out.Copy !req
167. See?Copy !req
168. The real balsamic
has a smoother mouth feel.Copy !req
169. Good, you're back.Copy !req
170. I'm going to start prepping
the herbs de ProvenceCopy !req
171. and sautéing the mushrooms.Copy !req
172. I need you to scrub these
pots and pans again.Copy !req
173. What?Copy !req
174. No, I just finished those.Copy !req
175. Dad, look at this.Copy !req
176. The stubborn patina
of tuna casserole,Copy !req
177. or enchilada loaf,Copy !req
178. or whatever in God's nameCopy !req
179. this greasy spoon churns out
night after soul-killing night.Copy !req
180. But not tonight.Copy !req
181. Tonight we go
for greatness.Copy !req
182. Are you with me, Dad?Copy !req
183. No!Copy !req
184. This pot is clean enough, Reese.Copy !req
185. No one will taste this.Copy !req
186. All right, then.Copy !req
187. I guess no one will
ever taste this!Copy !req
188. Oh, my God.Copy !req
189. Dewey, I need you to
do something for me.Copy !req
190. No. No more.Copy !req
191. I'm sick of this.Copy !req
192. If I have to sculpt
another radishCopy !req
193. or de-vein another prawn...Copy !req
194. Dewey, do you trust me?Copy !req
195. No.
Do you fear me?Copy !req
196. No. Not in the long run.Copy !req
197. Come on, Dewey.Copy !req
198. It's just a couple
of things I needCopy !req
199. that I couldn't get
Dad to spring for.Copy !req
200. So here's $80 from
Dad's wallet.Copy !req
201. The items on this
list cost $240,Copy !req
202. so you'll have to
turn on the cute.Copy !req
203. Can you handle it?Copy !req
204. I keep whatever's left over?Copy !req
205. Deal.Copy !req
206. Mom, can I talk to you?Copy !req
207. No, honey, please.Copy !req
208. Don't talk to me about this.Copy !req
209. No matter what I say,
I'm going to be blamed.Copy !req
210. This is for you to work
out with that woman.Copy !req
211. Piama.
I know her name.Copy !req
212. Could you just listen
to me for a second?Copy !req
213. If Piama and I ever were
to get a divorce...Copy !req
214. Francis, don't even
talk like that.Copy !req
215. I mean it.Copy !req
216. You really shouldn't.Copy !req
217. What were you going to say?Copy !req
218. If we ever were to split up,
could I stay here for a while?Copy !req
219. God, Francis, I hate to
even think of such a thing.Copy !req
220. But, yes, if such a terrible
thing were to happen,Copy !req
221. of course, we'd
be here for you.Copy !req
222. Thanks, Mom.
I mean, it wasCopy !req
223. a stupid fight, I guess,
but it was emblematicCopy !req
224. of everything that was bad
with the relationship.Copy !req
225. I mean, there are principles.
Principles are important.Copy !req
226. I know. I mean, so what
if I'd had a couple beers?Copy !req
227. How does it look in front of
the guys if the woman's driving?Copy !req
228. What?Copy !req
229. She didn't care
about my feelings at all.Copy !req
230. What?Copy !req
231. What?Copy !req
232. Of all the idiotic,
asinine thingsCopy !req
233. you have ever said, Francis,Copy !req
234. this has got to be
one of the worst!Copy !req
235. I thought you were on my side.Copy !req
236. You don't have a side!Copy !req
237. Now, you are going to go and
apologize to that woman.Copy !req
238. You are going to tell
her that you are wrongCopy !req
239. and she is absolutely
blameless.Copy !req
240. You really...?
Go!Copy !req
241. Okay, okay.Copy !req
242. Yes, he is an idiot.Copy !req
243. Okay, Dad, get the bird.Copy !req
244. Here.Copy !req
245. What, this is
the turkey you got?Copy !req
246. It's perfect.
It's really small.Copy !req
247. Well, if it were
any bigger,Copy !req
248. it wouldn't be able
to fit inside of this!Copy !req
249. What? Y-You're going
to put our dinnerCopy !req
250. inside that monster?Copy !req
251. It's a monkfish.Copy !req
252. The juices of the monkfish
will baste the turkey.Copy !req
253. The flavor from the turkey
will saturate the fish,Copy !req
254. both melding into
one fantastic dish.Copy !req
255. Reese, this doesn't seem
like a good idea.Copy !req
256. I don't know, Dad.
Maybe you're right.Copy !req
257. Maybe I have no idea
what I'm talking about.Copy !req
258. Oh! Mmm!Copy !req
259. You know,
that really shouldn't work.Copy !req
260. Listen, my ugly beauty.Copy !req
261. Yesterday you
were sucking scumCopy !req
262. off the bottom
of the sea.Copy !req
263. Tonight you're going to
tango with the gods.Copy !req
264. Yes, master, I will be
delicious for you.Copy !req
265. Okay, things have definitely
been going better.Copy !req
266. I'm absolutely more or less sure
she might like me...Copy !req
267. I think.Copy !req
268. Looks like you're behind
the proverbial eight ball.Copy !req
269. Oh, geez, "proverbial?"Copy !req
270. Maybe she didn't notice.Copy !req
271. Malcolm, can you
hand me the chalk?Copy !req
272. It's right there next
to the proverbial cheese dip.Copy !req
273. Okay, okay.Copy !req
274. I know it was
a little stilted.Copy !req
275. No, I thought it was right
on the proverbial money.Copy !req
276. All right.
Sorry. Did I hit
the proverbial sore spot?Copy !req
277. You know, you may think
that's flirting, but it's not.Copy !req
278. It's just hostility.Copy !req
279. No, I-I'm pretty sure
it's flirting.Copy !req
280. Really?Copy !req
281. I guess I'm not as good
at this as I thought.Copy !req
282. Before we're old?Copy !req
283. Son, these truffles
are really expensive.Copy !req
284. And if you lost your money,
it's really not my problem.Copy !req
285. But...Copy !req
286. they told me
to get truffles.Copy !req
287. I don't know
why, but...Copy !req
288. my parents tell me
this is going to beCopy !req
289. a very special Thanksgiving.Copy !req
290. My boss is a jackass anyway.Copy !req
291. Thank... ... you.Copy !req
292. I saw you talking
to Francis, Lois.Copy !req
293. You couldn't stay out
of it, could you?Copy !req
294. You had to
drive a wedge.Copy !req
295. Hal, I told him
that Piama was rightCopy !req
296. and that he has
to apologize to her.Copy !req
297. Okay.Copy !req
298. I'm not smart enough
to figure out what you're up to,Copy !req
299. but when something bad
happens, I am blaming you.Copy !req
300. Dad, what are these?Copy !req
301. Minced onions.Copy !req
302. Minced?
I specificallyCopy !req
303. asked for diced!Copy !req
304. Come on, Dad!Copy !req
305. Don't take that tone
with me, Reese.Copy !req
306. This isn't fun.Copy !req
307. Fun? No, Dewey,
this is not fun.Copy !req
308. Neither one of you
seems to understand.Copy !req
309. We are not playing games here.Copy !req
310. There are lives at stake.Copy !req
311. No, there aren't.Copy !req
312. Okay, but it's very important.Copy !req
313. We're creating something
special, something great...Copy !req
314. something beautiful.Copy !req
315. Why is my wallet
in my other pocket?Copy !req
316. Can we stay focused, Dad?Copy !req
317. There was $80 in here.Copy !req
318. I had to!Copy !req
319. The cheese course was a joke.Copy !req
320. Reese, you are
in big trouble.Copy !req
321. And you know what?
I have had it with this.Copy !req
322. I'm through!Copy !req
323. With the helping part.Copy !req
324. I'm still doing
the eating part.Copy !req
325. Fine, go.Copy !req
326. I don't need you.
I still have Dewey.Copy !req
327. He's twice the assistant
entremetier that you'll ever be!Copy !req
328. Why haven't
you talked to her yet?Copy !req
329. She won't let me.
Every time I go near her,Copy !req
330. she walks out of the room.Copy !req
331. Piama... I knowCopy !req
332. that you and I have
had our differences...Copy !req
333. Oh, you mean the cold,
uncomfortable silencesCopy !req
334. broken by the occasional
veiled insult?Copy !req
335. I'm not sure I would
have put it like that.Copy !req
336. Look.Copy !req
337. Here's what I want to say.Copy !req
338. I believe in marriage.Copy !req
339. I believe in every marriage.Copy !req
340. And I think if you just
listen to Francis,Copy !req
341. you'll like
what you hear.Copy !req
342. Fine.Copy !req
343. Francis.Copy !req
344. I'll just leave
you two to talk.Copy !req
345. You know what?Copy !req
346. I didn't want to butt in,
but I'm glad I did.Copy !req
347. What did you do, Lois?
I talked to Piama.Copy !req
348. At least she seemed
interested in listeningCopy !req
349. to what Francis had to say.Copy !req
350. He's going to tell her exactly
what I told him to say.Copy !req
351. What business is it of yoursCopy !req
352. if I don't want to wear
thong underpants?Copy !req
353. What?Copy !req
354. Piama, I didn't get to finish.Copy !req
355. See what happens, Lois?Copy !req
356. I don't care what shape
we cut the mushrooms! I quit!Copy !req
357. This is why you're always
going to be a little manCopy !req
358. living in a little world!Copy !req
359. I don't need you!
I don't need anyone!Copy !req
360. This is the worst
Thanksgiving ever!Copy !req
361. This is the best
Thanksgiving ever.Copy !req
362. I'm going to memorize this
moment so I never forget it.Copy !req
363. This is the best
Thanksgiving ever.Copy !req
364. I'm going to memorize this
moment so I never forget it.Copy !req
365. Where is everybody?Copy !req
366. Fireworks?Copy !req
367. Bastards.Copy !req
368. No one came and got us.Copy !req
369. Well, the hell with them.Copy !req
370. Let me do the talking.Copy !req
371. Good evening to you, sir.Copy !req
372. Oh, hi.Copy !req
373. Where is everyone?Copy !req
374. Studying. Probably.Copy !req
375. That would be my guess.Copy !req
376. What, is he asleep?Copy !req
377. I think he ate
too much turkey.Copy !req
378. All that kryptonite...Copy !req
379. There's pie upstairs.Copy !req
380. Thank you.Copy !req
381. That's a very generous offer.Copy !req
382. I know the pilgrims,Copy !req
383. you know, facing that
first bitter cold winter,Copy !req
384. Malcolm, he's gone.
really would haveCopy !req
385. appreciated a little bit
of pie. That might... Ow!Copy !req
386. I think I'm getting better
at reading her signals.Copy !req
387. Are you okay?Copy !req
388. Come on... let's do it.Copy !req
389. You gonna?Copy !req
390. I got to go.Copy !req
391. My brother will kick
your ass if you tell.Copy !req
392. What is all
this stuff?Copy !req
393. Piama, good, I need you.Copy !req
394. Here, stir this pot.Copy !req
395. All right, all right.Copy !req
396. I just have to stuff
the acorn squash ringsCopy !req
397. with roasted pepper
and polenta,Copy !req
398. sear the scallops with...Copy !req
399. The monkfish!Copy !req
400. Where are the oven mitts?Copy !req
401. You want me
to look?Copy !req
402. No, keep stirring.Copy !req
403. No place mats, no tea towels...
I need something.Copy !req
404. I'll get a towel
from the bathroom.Copy !req
405. No, there's not enough time!Copy !req
406. It has to come out
at exactly 5:38.Copy !req
407. Not 5:37, not 5:39.Copy !req
408. What are you
going to do?Copy !req
409. There's only one thing I can do.Copy !req
410. Reese, no!Copy !req
411. Yes!Copy !req
412. Clear me a space!Copy !req
413. Where?Copy !req
414. Move the oven mitts!Copy !req
415. Where is Malcolm?Copy !req
416. He knows he's
supposed to be here.Copy !req
417. This is Thanksgiving.Copy !req
418. Yeah...Copy !req
419. he certainly
wouldn't want to miss this.Copy !req
420. Well, I've done it.Copy !req
421. The feast is about to start.Copy !req
422. It's about time.Copy !req
423. I'm not even hungry.Copy !req
424. Can I be excused?Copy !req
425. Oh, my...Copy !req
426. Wow.Copy !req
427. Mmm...Copy !req
428. Wow.
Oh!Copy !req
429. The turkey monkfish.Copy !req
430. I'll say grace.Copy !req
431. Thank you, Lord,
for giving me the talentCopy !req
432. to express my love for my family
in the only way I know how.Copy !req
433. Amen.
Amen.Copy !req
434. Hey, party people.Copy !req
435. Oh, my God,
you're drunk!Copy !req
436. What on earth is wrong with you?Copy !req
437. I will tell you what is
wrong with me, on earth.Copy !req
438. The reason why I drank
is because I'm a coward,Copy !req
439. and probably gay.Copy !req
440. I let a perfect
opportunityCopy !req
441. just slip right through my
fingers, and, you know,Copy !req
442. I thought
I'd cap it offCopy !req
443. by getting
stinking drunk.Copy !req
444. What do you think of your
golden boy now, Mom?Copy !req
445. What "golden boy"?Copy !req
446. Get in your room!Copy !req
447. I'll deal with you later.Copy !req
448. I will go to my roomCopy !req
449. when I am finishedCopy !req
450. with what I have to say.Copy !req
451. Hey, come on.Copy !req
452. Some of the shrimp
is still good.Copy !req
453. I just left her there on
the floor and staggered home.Copy !req
454. To shower us
with affection.Copy !req
455. Yeah.Copy !req
456. Well, it's nothing
to be ashamed of.Copy !req
457. I mean, sure, the distance
wasn't much of a factor,Copy !req
458. but the volume was impressive.Copy !req
459. So you going to see
this girl again?Copy !req
460. Are you kidding?Copy !req
461. I can't believe it.Copy !req
462. We were alone.
She wanted to do it.Copy !req
463. I was right there.Copy !req
464. How could I have
chickened out?Copy !req
465. Dude, you didn't take
advantage of a drunk chick.Copy !req
466. Mom must be slipping.Copy !req
467. All I got was no TV,
video games or computer.Copy !req
468. I have to clean allCopy !req
469. the kitchen and bathroom tile
with a toothbrush,Copy !req
470. wash every window in the houseCopy !req
471. and change Jamie's diaper
for the next six months, but...Copy !req
472. No, you got, like,
nine other thingsCopy !req
473. after you passed out.Copy !req
474. You have got
to do something, Lois.Copy !req
475. Piama just asked me for
a ride to the bus station.Copy !req
476. I thought you didn't
want me to interfere.Copy !req
477. Okay, I take back
everything I said.Copy !req
478. You can interfere as much
as you want— just fix it!Copy !req
479. Well...Copy !req
480. I'm ready.Copy !req
481. Piama, there's just one
thing I want to say.Copy !req
482. I know that breaking
up is painful,Copy !req
483. but I think in the long run,
you'll find it's for the best.Copy !req
484. For the best?
Well, Francis,
let's be serious.Copy !req
485. This marriage never
had a chance.Copy !req
486. I just think
that you'll beCopy !req
487. better friends once
you're divorced.Copy !req
488. Who said we're
getting divorced?Copy !req
489. I love Francis!Copy !req
490. You can't stand to
see anyone happy,Copy !req
491. can you, Mom?Copy !req
492. Come on, honey,Copy !req
493. let's go get my things.Copy !req
494. They're out in the trash.Copy !req
495. Sorry, honey.Copy !req
496. That's okay, sweetie.Copy !req
497. Once again,
you've underestimated us.Copy !req
498. We're not the littleCopy !req
499. dancing monkeys
you thought we were.Copy !req
500. Thanks, honey.Copy !req