1. You're only going to take
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2. off a quarter-inch on the sides,
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3. leave the top
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4. and just clean up the back.
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5. Reese, I've done this
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6. a million times.
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7. Mom, look.
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8. I just ripped
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9. my brand-new shirt
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10. sneaking into the reservoir—
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11. that place you clearly
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12. ordered me never to go.
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13. I don't know why
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14. I do these things
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15. that are so
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16. infuriating to you,
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17. but the funny thing is,
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18. I don't even care.
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19. Damn it, Dewey,
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20. go to your room!
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21. Let's get this
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22. over with!
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23. No, Mom! Count to ten!
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24. Count to ten!
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25. Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.
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26. I'll tell you
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27. what I'm thankful for.
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28. I finally made friends
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29. with some normal kids at school.
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30. Normal kids.
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31. We've been hanging out here
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32. all afternoon,
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33. and nobody's mentioned
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34. grass allergies
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35. or pollen count.
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36. Malcolm, I never noticed
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37. what nice eyes you have.
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38. Really?
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39. Kirsten Stuart.
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40. I think she likes me,
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41. but I can never be sure.
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42. Yeah, I guess
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43. I was distracted
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44. by your freakishly large head.
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45. Mostly 'cause of stuff
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46. like that.
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47. Hey, guys, I've got to go.
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48. Hey, party at my house,
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49. Thanksgiving.
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50. Three cases of beer. No one's
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51. leaving till their gone.
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52. Your parents are out of town?
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53. No.
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54. Oh, sweet. Yeah, of course.
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55. Cute butt.
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56. Why'd you have
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57. to spoil it?
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58. I know what she's trying to do.
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59. She's trying to confuse me,
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60. throw me off balance.
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61. But you know what?
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62. It's not going...
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63. Reese!
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64. Grab an apron.
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65. It's 6:30 in the morning.
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66. Yes, I know.
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67. That means
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68. I have exactly 12 hours left
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69. to create the most
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70. fantastic Thanksgiving feast
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71. in the history
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72. of Thanksgiving feasts.
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73. What's with the sheets?
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74. I can't cook with
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75. distractions.
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76. I don't think that's...
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77. Dad, remember
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78. the chocolate soufflé
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79. I made for Thanksgiving
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80. two years ago?
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81. Oh, yeah. That was...
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82. Rat puke compared to
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83. what I have planned!
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84. The crepes I made
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85. last Thanksgiving?
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86. Ooh, they were...
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87. Crap next to what
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88. we're having tonight!
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89. Don't think of
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90. this as a meal.
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91. This is going to be like
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92. eating the Mona Lisa.
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93. Reese, I hardly think
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94. you can comp...
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95. Oh, my God.
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96. What do you need?
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97. Your mindless,
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98. robot-like obedience
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99. to every demand I make—
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100. no matter how small.
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101. Plus, we get to eat anything
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102. that falls on the floor.
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103. Ooh!
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104. I'm going over to Dylan's.
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105. I'll be back by dinner.
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106. Dylan— whom I've never met
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107. because you're afraid
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108. to have me find out what a
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109. bad choice he is as a friend?
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110. He's okay, Mom. There's going to
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111. be other kids from school there.
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112. It's sort of like a party.
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113. I really want to go.
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114. Well, your family is having
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115. sort of like a party, too.
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116. It's called Thanksgiving.
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117. Now, it's true we're
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118. not a bunch of friends
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119. you just met last week.
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120. We're only the people
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121. who have sacrificed our lives
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122. for years
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123. so that you could have a home.
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124. I'll only be gone
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125. a couple hours, okay?
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126. You mean like the couple
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127. of hours you were jammed
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128. half-in and half-out of me
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129. when you were being born?
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130. Half an hour?
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131. I just don't understand
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132. what is so horrible
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133. about our family.
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134. Yes, she does.
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135. I mean, why on earth
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136. would you prefer
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137. to be somewhere else
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138. for Thanksgiving?
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139. I love her!
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140. And if the two of you
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141. are too dead inside
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142. to understand what that means,
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143. then I just pity you.
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144. (voice breaking):
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145. No, no, Dad, I understand.
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146. When you get a new toothbrush
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147. and you want to break it in...
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148. Go ahead and say it, Lois.
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149. Well, happy Thanksgiving.
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150. I'll just go over there
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151. and tell them I'm not coming.
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152. Do whatever you want.
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153. Even though your
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154. brother has
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155. traveled hundreds
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156. of miles with her.
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157. Piama.
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158. I know her name.
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159. Your family is going to be here,
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160. and we are going
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161. to have a lovely Thanksgiving.
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162. I will not keep
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163. my voice down!
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164. What, you think they won't know
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165. in, like, five minutes
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166. that we're getting a divorce?
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167. Sorry, we're having
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168. some problems.
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169. Having some problems?
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170. Is that what you
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171. call finding out
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172. that all the love that
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173. we shared was a lie?
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174. Hi, Mom.
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175. Malcolm, you better go
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176. get your father.
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177. Malcolm!
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178. This party's pretty cool.
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179. And, you know,
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180. I think I've figured
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181. Kirsten out.
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182. It's more of a friend-brother
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183. kind of thing.
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184. It's not really sexual.
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185. Then again...
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186. Beer man.
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187. My stepdad drinks so much,
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188. he never counts it.
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189. Malcolm?
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190. Yeah, sure.
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191. Yeah, sure.
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192. Hey, guys, how's it going?
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193. I need something to warm up
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194. that Arctic wind
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195. she's blowing up there.
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196. No offense to your mother.
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197. I love her very much.
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198. It's cool, Art.
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199. All right. You kids have fun.
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200. Somebody drop a beer?
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201. Sorry.
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202. My parents are
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203. a little less casual
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204. about the whole beer thing.
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205. I bet you kiss
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206. like a nine-year-old.
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207. What?
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208. What?
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209. Okay, this one I do know
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210. what she was doing.
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211. It was a total come-on.
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212. I'll show her
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213. how a nine-year-old can kiss.
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214. Hey.
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215. Don't tell me not to cry!
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216. Maybe my tears
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217. will make an ocean
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218. and you can sail off
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219. on a boat
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220. to a new life without me!
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221. How did this happen?
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222. It's terrible.
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223. What's that look, Hal?
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224. Come on, Lois.
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225. You've been trying
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226. to undercut this relationship
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227. from the start.
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228. And now all of a sudden,
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229. they're getting a divorce
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230. and you had nothing
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231. to do with it?
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232. Please. You really think
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233. I have that much power
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234. to orchestrate people's lives
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235. besides yours?
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236. All I know is that
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237. our son is talking
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238. about ending his marriage—
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239. a marriage which
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240. you never supported.
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241. Hal, that's ridiculous.
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242. Fine, fine.
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243. You want me to go
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244. talk to Francis?
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245. Yes. No!
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246. No, no, no, no, no, no.
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247. This is some way for you
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248. to try to work out your agenda.
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249. Fine. I will not say
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250. a word to either one of 'em.
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251. Good.
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252. Wait.
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253. You won't say anything,
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254. which means you're just
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255. going to let
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256. this whole thing
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257. fall apart.
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258. Oh, I see your game, Lois.
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259. Hal, what is it
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260. you want me to do?
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261. No, no, you are not dragging me
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262. into your little Machiavellian
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263. schemes, thank you very much.
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264. No, you spun these
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265. tangled webs yourself, Lois.
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266. You get yourself out.
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267. See?
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268. The real balsamic
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269. has a smoother mouth feel.
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270. Good, you're back.
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271. I'm going to start prepping
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272. the herbs de Provence
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273. and sautéing the mushrooms.
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274. I need you to scrub these
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275. pots and pans again.
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276. What?
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277. No, I just finished those.
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278. Dad, look at this.
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279. The stubborn patina
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280. of tuna casserole,
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281. or enchilada loaf,
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282. or whatever in God's name
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283. this greasy spoon churns out
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284. night after soul-killing night.
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285. But not tonight.
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286. Tonight we go
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287. for greatness.
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288. Are you with me, Dad?
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289. No!
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290. This pot is clean enough, Reese.
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291. No one will taste this.
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292. All right, then.
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293. I guess no one will
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294. ever taste this!
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295. Oh, my God.
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296. Dewey, I need you to
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297. do something for me.
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298. No. No more.
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299. I'm sick of this.
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300. If I have to sculpt
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301. another radish
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302. or de-vein another prawn...
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303. Dewey, do you trust me?
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304. No.
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305. Do you fear me?
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306. No. Not in the long run.
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307. Come on, Dewey.
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308. It's just a couple
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309. of things I need
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310. that I couldn't get
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311. Dad to spring for.
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312. So here's $80 from
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313. Dad's wallet.
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314. The items on this
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315. list cost $240,
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316. so you'll have to
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317. turn on the cute.
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318. Can you handle it?
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319. I keep whatever's left over?
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320. Deal.
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321. Mom, can I talk to you?
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322. No, honey, please.
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323. Don't talk to me about this.
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324. No matter what I say,
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325. I'm going to be blamed.
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326. This is for you to work
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327. out with that woman.
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328. Piama.
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329. I know her name.
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330. Could you just listen
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331. to me for a second?
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332. If Piama and I ever were
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333. to get a divorce...
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334. Francis, don't even
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335. talk like that.
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336. I mean it.
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337. You really shouldn't.
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338. What were you going to say?
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339. If we ever were to split up,
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340. could I stay here for a while?
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341. God, Francis, I hate to
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342. even think of such a thing.
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343. But, yes, if such a terrible
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344. thing were to happen,
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345. of course, we'd
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346. be here for you.
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347. Thanks, Mom.
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348. I mean, it was
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349. a stupid fight, I guess,
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350. but it was emblematic
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351. of everything that was bad
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352. with the relationship.
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353. I mean, there are principles.
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354. Principles are important.
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355. I know. I mean, so what
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356. if I'd had a couple beers?
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357. How does it look in front of
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358. the guys if the woman's driving?
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359. What?
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360. She didn't care
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361. about my feelings at all.
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362. What?
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363. What?
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364. Of all the idiotic,
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365. asinine things
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366. you have ever said, Francis,
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367. this has got to be
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368. one of the worst!
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369. I thought you were on my side.
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370. You don't have a side!
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371. Now, you are going to go and
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372. apologize to that woman.
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373. You are going to tell
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374. her that you are wrong
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375. and she is absolutely
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376. blameless.
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377. You really...?
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378. Go!
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379. Okay, okay.
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380. Yes, he is an idiot.
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381. Okay, Dad, get the bird.
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382. Here.
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383. What, this is
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384. the turkey you got?
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385. It's perfect.
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386. It's really small.
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387. Well, if it were
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388. any bigger,
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389. it wouldn't be able
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390. to fit inside of this!
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391. What? Y-You're going
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392. to put our dinner
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393. inside that monster?
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394. It's a monkfish.
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395. The juices of the monkfish
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396. will baste the turkey.
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397. The flavor from the turkey
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398. will saturate the fish,
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399. both melding into
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400. one fantastic dish.
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401. Reese, this doesn't seem
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402. like a good idea.
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403. I don't know, Dad.
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404. Maybe you're right.
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405. Maybe I have no idea
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406. what I'm talking about.
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407. Oh! Mmm!
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408. You know,
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409. that really shouldn't work.
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410. Listen, my ugly beauty.
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411. Yesterday you
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412. were sucking scum
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413. off the bottom
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414. of the sea.
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415. Tonight you're going to
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416. tango with the gods.
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417. Yes, master, I will be
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418. delicious for you.
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419. Okay, things have definitely
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420. been going better.
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421. I'm absolutely more or less sure
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422. she might like me...
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423. I think.
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424. Looks like you're behind
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425. the proverbial eight ball.
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426. Oh, geez, "proverbial?"
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427. Maybe she didn't notice.
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428. Malcolm, can you
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429. hand me the chalk?
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430. It's right there next
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431. to the proverbial cheese dip.
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432. Okay, okay.
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433. I know it was
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434. a little stilted.
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435. No, I thought it was right
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436. on the proverbial money.
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437. All right.
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438. Sorry. Did I hit
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439. the proverbial sore spot?
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440. You know, you may think
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441. that's flirting, but it's not.
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442. It's just hostility.
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443. No, I-I'm pretty sure
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444. it's flirting.
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445. Really?
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446. I guess I'm not as good
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447. at this as I thought.
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448. Before we're old?
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449. Son, these truffles
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450. are really expensive.
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451. And if you lost your money,
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452. it's really not my problem.
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453. But... (coughs)
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454. they told me
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455. to get truffles.
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456. I don't know
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457. why, but...
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458. my parents tell me
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459. this is going to be
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460. a very special Thanksgiving.
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461. (choking up):
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462. My boss is a jackass anyway.
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463. Thank... (coughs) ... you.
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464. I saw you talking
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465. to Francis, Lois.
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466. You couldn't stay out
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467. of it, could you?
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468. You had to
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469. drive a wedge.
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470. Hal, I told him
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471. that Piama was right
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472. and that he has
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473. to apologize to her.
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474. Okay.
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475. I'm not smart enough
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476. to figure out what you're up to,
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477. but when something bad
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478. happens, I am blaming you.
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479. Dad, what are these?
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480. Minced onions.
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481. Minced?
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482. I specifically
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483. asked for diced!
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484. Come on, Dad!
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485. Don't take that tone
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486. with me, Reese.
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487. This isn't fun.
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488. Fun? No, Dewey,
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489. this is not fun.
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490. Neither one of you
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491. seems to understand.
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492. We are not playing games here.
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493. There are lives at stake.
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494. No, there aren't.
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495. Okay, but it's very important.
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496. We're creating something
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497. special, something great...
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498. something beautiful.
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499. Why is my wallet
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500. in my other pocket?
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501. Can we stay focused, Dad?
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502. There was $80 in here.
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503. I had to!
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504. The cheese course was a joke.
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505. Reese, you are
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506. in big trouble.
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507. And you know what?
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508. I have had it with this.
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509. I'm through!
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510. With the helping part.
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511. I'm still doing
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512. the eating part.
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513. Fine, go.
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514. I don't need you.
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515. I still have Dewey.
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516. He's twice the assistant
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517. entremetier that you'll ever be!
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518. Why haven't
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519. you talked to her yet?
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520. She won't let me.
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521. Every time I go near her,
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522. she walks out of the room.
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523. Piama... I know
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524. that you and I have
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525. had our differences...
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526. Oh, you mean the cold,
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527. uncomfortable silences
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528. broken by the occasional
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529. veiled insult?
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530. I'm not sure I would
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531. have put it like that.
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532. Look.
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533. Here's what I want to say.
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534. I believe in marriage.
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535. I believe in every marriage.
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536. And I think if you just
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537. listen to Francis,
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538. you'll like
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539. what you hear.
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540. Fine.
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541. Francis.
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542. I'll just leave
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543. you two to talk.
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544. You know what?
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545. I didn't want to butt in,
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546. but I'm glad I did.
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547. What did you do, Lois?
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548. I talked to Piama.
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549. At least she seemed
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550. interested in listening
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551. to what Francis had to say.
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552. He's going to tell her exactly
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553. what I told him to say.
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554. What business is it of yours
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555. if I don't want to wear
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556. thong underpants?
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557. What?
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558. Piama, I didn't get to finish.
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559. See what happens, Lois?
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560. I don't care what shape
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561. we cut the mushrooms! I quit!
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562. This is why you're always
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563. going to be a little man
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564. living in a little world!
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565. I don't need you!
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566. I don't need anyone!
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567. This is the worst
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568. Thanksgiving ever!
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569. This is the best
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570. Thanksgiving ever.
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571. I'm going to memorize this
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572. moment so I never forget it.
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573. This is the best
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574. Thanksgiving ever.
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575. I'm going to memorize this
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576. moment so I never forget it.
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577. Where is everybody?
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578. Fireworks?
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579. Bastards.
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580. No one came and got us.
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581. Well, the hell with them.
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582. Let me do the talking.
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583. Good evening to you, sir.
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584. Oh, hi.
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585. Where is everyone?
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586. Studying. Probably.
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587. That would be my guess.
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588. What, is he asleep?
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589. I think he ate
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590. too much turkey.
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591. All that kryptonite...
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592. There's pie upstairs.
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593. Thank you.
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594. That's a very generous offer.
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595. I know the pilgrims,
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596. you know, facing that
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597. first bitter cold winter,
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598. Malcolm, he's gone.
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599. really would have
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600. appreciated a little bit
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601. of pie. That might... Ow!
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602. I think I'm getting better
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603. at reading her signals.
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604. Are you okay?
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605. Come on... let's do it.
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606. You gonna?
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607. I got to go.
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608. My brother will kick
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609. your ass if you tell.
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610. What is all
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611. this stuff?
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612. Piama, good, I need you.
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613. Here, stir this pot.
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614. All right, all right.
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615. I just have to stuff
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616. the acorn squash rings
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617. with roasted pepper
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618. and polenta,
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619. sear the scallops with...
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620. The monkfish!
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621. Where are the oven mitts?
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622. You want me
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623. to look?
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624. No, keep stirring.
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625. No place mats, no tea towels...
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626. I need something.
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627. I'll get a towel
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628. from the bathroom.
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629. No, there's not enough time!
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630. It has to come out
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631. at exactly 5:38.
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632. Not 5:37, not 5:39.
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633. What are you
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634. going to do?
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635. There's only one thing I can do.
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636. Reese, no!
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637. Yes!
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638. Clear me a space!
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639. Where?
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640. Move the oven mitts!
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641. Where is Malcolm?
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642. He knows he's
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643. supposed to be here.
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644. This is Thanksgiving.
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645. Yeah...
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646. he certainly
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647. wouldn't want to miss this.
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648. Well, I've done it.
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649. The feast is about to start.
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650. It's about time.
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651. I'm not even hungry.
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652. Can I be excused?
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653. Oh, my...
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654. Wow.
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655. Mmm...
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656. Wow.
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657. Oh!
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658. The turkey monkfish.
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659. I'll say grace.
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660. Thank you, Lord,
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661. for giving me the talent
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662. to express my love for my family
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663. in the only way I know how.
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664. Amen.
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665. Amen.
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666. Hey, party people.
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667. Oh, my God,
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668. you're drunk!
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669. What on earth is wrong with you?
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670. I will tell you what is
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671. wrong with me, on earth.
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672. The reason why I drank
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673. is because I'm a coward,
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674. and probably gay.
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675. I let a perfect
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676. opportunity
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677. just slip right through my
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678. fingers, and, you know,
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679. I thought
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680. I'd cap it off
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681. by getting
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682. stinking drunk.
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683. What do you think of your
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684. golden boy now, Mom?
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685. What "golden boy"?
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686. Get in your room!
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687. I'll deal with you later.
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688. I will go to my room
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689. when I am finished
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690. with what I have to say.
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691. Hey, come on.
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692. Some of the shrimp
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693. is still good.
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694. I just left her there on
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695. the floor and staggered home.
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696. To shower us
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697. with affection.
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698. Yeah.
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699. Well, it's nothing
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700. to be ashamed of.
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701. I mean, sure, the distance
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702. wasn't much of a factor,
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703. but the volume was impressive.
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704. So you going to see
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705. this girl again?
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706. Are you kidding?
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707. I can't believe it.
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708. We were alone.
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709. She wanted to do it.
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710. I was right there.
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711. How could I have
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712. chickened out?
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713. Dude, you didn't take
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714. advantage of a drunk chick.
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715. Mom must be slipping.
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716. All I got was no TV,
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717. video games or computer.
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718. I have to clean all
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719. the kitchen and bathroom tile
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720. with a toothbrush,
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721. wash every window in the house
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722. and change Jamie's diaper
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723. for the next six months, but...
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724. No, you got, like,
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725. nine other things
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726. after you passed out.
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727. You have got
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728. to do something, Lois.
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729. Piama just asked me for
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730. a ride to the bus station.
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731. I thought you didn't
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732. want me to interfere.
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733. Okay, I take back
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734. everything I said.
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735. You can interfere as much
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736. as you want— just fix it!
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737. Well...
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738. I'm ready.
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739. Piama, there's just one
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740. thing I want to say.
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741. I know that breaking
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742. up is painful,
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743. but I think in the long run,
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744. you'll find it's for the best.
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745. For the best?
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746. Well, Francis,
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747. let's be serious.
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748. This marriage never
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749. had a chance.
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750. I just think
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751. that you'll be
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752. better friends once
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753. you're divorced.
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754. Who said we're
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755. getting divorced?
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756. I love Francis!
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757. You can't stand to
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758. see anyone happy,
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759. can you, Mom?
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760. Come on, honey,
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761. let's go get my things.
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762. They're out in the trash.
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763. Sorry, honey.
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764. That's okay, sweetie.
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765. Once again,
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766. you've underestimated us.
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767. We're not the little
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768. dancing monkeys
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769. you thought we were.
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770. Thanks, honey.
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