Malcolm in the Middle 5x3

1. Got my keys.

2. Got my wallet. What...?

3. Ah... (chuckles)

4. Grocery list.

5. You know the drill.

6. Mommy never knows.

7. Stevie,

8. for the last time,

9. I'm not going to

10. partner up with you

11. for wheelchair

12. basketball.

13. I smell... chicken.

14. I'm not

15. in a wheelchair.

16. It's creepy.

17. It's taking a spot

18. from somebody

19. who's really

20. handicapped.

21. Why don't you ask

22. that drooling kid

23. with the hot nurse?

24. Norm's...

25. a ball hog.

26. Hello, boys.

27. Mr. Kenarban,

28. don't you think

29. it's ethically suspect

30. for someone to participate

31. in wheelchair basketball

32. if they're not

33. actually handicapped?

34. Even if his best

35. friend needs to win...

36. for his mother?

37. Son, after being

38. gone two months,

39. your mom will be happy as

40. a duck just to see you.

41. I know she's been

42. gone a long time, Stevie,

43. but it just doesn't

44. feel right to me.

45. I've always...

46. been there...

47. for you.

48. Please don't

49. do this to me.

50. Seventh grade...

51. first dance...

52. open fly.

53. All right, fine. But

54. I'm sick and tired of you

55. throwing that in

56. my face all the time.

57. Save it... for the game.

58. Come on, Jamie,

59. I got to get to work.

60. Eat. You'll stick a cockroach

61. in your mouth,

62. and you won't even taste this?

63. Here, Dewey,

64. you're good with the baby.

65. No, I'm not. You're

66. just saying that.

67. Aw, you caught me.

68. Your reward is you

69. get to feed the baby.

70. I got to run.

71. What are you doing with

72. my high school diary?

73. I was looking for a baby book

74. we can use for Jamie.

75. Turns out we didn't even take

76. the cellophane off Dewey's.

77. Malcolm, Reese,

78. get a move on!

79. What on earth

80. are you doing?

81. I have to practice

82. being in a wheelchair.

83. Oh...

84. I suppose that makes sense.

85. You never know.

86. All it takes is one

87. horrible accident,

88. and you end up

89. in one of those

90. for the rest of your life.

91. It's just for basketball.

92. That's the spirit.

93. Reese!

94. What is taking you so long?

95. Why don't you

96. just admit it—

97. nobody in this house

98. cares about my hair but me!

99. Let's go! Come on!

100. Come on, Jamie,

101. just eat it.

102. It's not that bad.

103. See?

104. I don't hate it.

105. Mmm!

106. What did the vet

107. say about Paint Can?

108. Oh, she's fine.

109. Just fine.

110. It's terrible news.

111. She has acute laminitis

112. in her hoof.

113. I'm afraid we will

114. have to put her down.

115. You mean kill her?

116. Uh-huh.

117. Oh, the poor thing.

118. Who's going

119. to have to do it?

120. We will have

121. to do it, Francis.

122. You're kidding.

123. We have no choice.

124. After all,

125. we are real ranchers.

126. We must be strong

127. and determined,

128. and never shirk from

129. our responsibilities,

130. no matter how unpleasant

131. they may be.

132. You're going to make me do this,

133. aren't you?

134. Otto?

135. Dewey, get out here or I'm going

136. to throw your dinner away!

137. Okay.

138. This meal

139. looks fantastic, Lois.

140. Thank you so much

141. for the invitation.

142. Well, we figured with Kitty

143. coming home tomorrow,

144. you'd like one last chance

145. to enjoy meat.

146. You're not

147. going to believe

148. what happened to me

149. at school today.

150. Some girl dropped her diary

151. into my backpack by mistake.

152. Do you know whose it is?

153. No, but it's awesome.

154. She talks about her teachers,

155. classes, friends.

156. It's like a whole world

157. I never knew existed.

158. Dig in, Stevie.

159. That's real butter

160. pooling on your plate.

161. Can't eat. Too excited...

162. about Mom coming home.

163. I made her... a card.

164. Baked her a cake.

165. Wrote her a song.

166. Stevie, you're going

167. to black out again.

168. Can we put up

169. Chinese lanterns?

170. You bet, son.

171. Anything you want.

172. Hal, I wonder if I could

173. see you for just a moment.

174. Oh, sure.

175. Stevie is certainly excited

176. about his mother

177. coming home tomorrow.

178. Kitty isn't

179. on a business trip.

180. She divorced me

181. two months ago.

182. She's never coming home.

183. What?

184. Kitty isn't

185. on a business trip.

186. She divorced me

187. two months ago.

188. She's never coming home.

189. What?

190. Kitty isn't on

191. a business trip...

192. No, it's not

193. that kind of "what."

194. Stevie thinks

195. she's coming back tomorrow.

196. I know I should

197. have told him,

198. but every time I'd

199. look in his face—

200. you know me, Hal.

201. I've always had

202. a hard time being...

203. you know... direct.

204. That was one of my

205. problems with Kitty.

206. That, and the utterly mechanical

207. nature of our sex life.

208. Look, Stevie has to know that

209. his mother isn't coming back.

210. You're absolutely right.

211. Any way you could tell him?

212. Why would I tell him?

213. What's the matter?

214. Kitty divorced Abe.

215. She's not coming home.

216. Oh, my God!

217. What on earth happened?

218. The truth is,

219. the last few years,

220. she only stayed with me

221. because of Stevie.

222. He's always been

223. so sick and helpless.

224. The whole marriage was built

225. around taking care of him.

226. Oh, I had no idea.

227. Then,

228. two months ago,

229. she walked in and announced

230. that Stevie was finally

231. doing just fine.

232. Then she packed her bags

233. and left.

234. Now, look, Abe,

235. I'm really sorry,

236. but Stevie

237. still has to know.

238. Abe, you have got

239. to tell Stevie.

240. Tell him what?

241. None of your business.

242. Get back to the table.

243. How do I tell that poor boy

244. his mother is never coming home?

245. I'll tell him.

246. I told you

247. to get out of here.

248. What's going on?

249. Kitty and Abe

250. got a divorce.

251. Now, leave us alone.

252. What?

253. Abe, you have got

254. to do the right thing

255. and go in there now.

256. What about Malcolm?

257. Why can't he tell him?

258. Wouldn't it be more comforting

259. coming from his best friend?

260. I said I'd tell him.

261. Reese, out. Now!

262. Why should I tell him?

263. Well, you're not entirely

264. blameless in this.

265. What?

266. You're the one

267. who always pushed him

268. to try new things—

269. dances, ski trips, basketball.

270. Before he met you,

271. that boy could

272. hardly handle a yo-yo.

273. By what stretch

274. of the imagination

275. is this considered

276. one full serving?

277. Not now, Dewey.

278. Abe, we are through talking

279. about this. Now, go!

280. Okay, I told him.

281. What?

282. He's taking it

283. pretty hard.

284. Somebody should

285. probably go over there

286. and talk to him.

287. It's really weird.

288. It's only been three days

289. since Stevie found out

290. about him mom,

291. but he's regressed, like,

292. ten years.

293. So, I think

294. we can beat these guys.

295. We just can't be afraid

296. to get physical

297. under the boards.

298. Come on, Stevie.

299. I know you're going

300. through a hard time,

301. but we're

302. in the tournament.

303. This might help take your

304. mind off of it for a while.

305. Just talk

306. to me, Stevie.

307. I know you're

308. not this far gone.

309. You don't know anything

310. about what I am going through

311. or how I feel.

312. Now, if you don't mind,

313. I'd like to conserve

314. my remaining strength

315. for breathing.

316. And stop using that.

317. You can

318. talk perfectly...

319. You don't

320. need that thing.

321. Fine.

322. If you're not going

323. to talk to me,

324. I'm out of here.

325. This whole

326. growing up thing's unfair.

327. When you're born,

328. everything's perfect,

329. but before you know it,

330. it all goes bad.

331. Every day, you get

332. a little less attention,

333. you got

334. to do more stuff.

335. and they love you

336. a little less.

337. No. That's

338. just this family.

339. Reese!

340. How many time do

341. I have to tell you,

342. don't leave your filthy socks

343. on the kitchen table!

344. "September 18.

345. What an aggravating day.

346. "Some idiot named Hal

347. streaked our gym class.

348. "He didn't see

349. the volleyball net,

350. "and they ended up carrying him

351. off in a stretcher.

352. "And then, at lunch,

353. "this other guy...

354. Excuse me.

355. You want to pick that up?

356. Why should I?

357. Because it's trash.

358. Or are you one

359. of those charming people

360. who thinks that's just someone

361. else's responsibility?

362. That the rest of us

363. should follow you

364. around your whole life

365. and clean up all the little

366. messes you leave behind?

367. Let me ask you a question.

368. Were you, like, born 45?

369. People like you are the reason

370. I am moving

371. to Paris the

372. second I graduate!

373. Oh, my God!

374. This girl rocks.

375. When I tell you to pick

376. something up, pick it up!

377. I don't know what to do.

378. Stevie's

379. just devastated.

380. Mm-hmm.

381. I try to talk to him,

382. but he just shuts me out.

383. Well, he'll come around.

384. You'll see, Abe.

385. Everything will be fine.

386. Now, come on.

387. You don't want to be

388. late for your meeting.

389. I don't know

390. what's happening with Jamie.

391. We're going through

392. all this baby food,

393. and he still

394. always wants to nurse.

395. Honey, not now.

396. I'm dealing with a

397. family thing here.

398. Now, if you get

399. a little weepy

400. during your presentation,

401. do what I do:

402. spill coffee on yourself

403. and leave the room.

404. You're too good to me.

405. Hal, what exactly

406. are you doing with Abe?

407. I've seen you pulling

408. the yarn balls

409. off his sweater,

410. and yesterday,

411. you were

412. massaging his feet.

413. I know he means

414. a lot to you,

415. but you can't

416. replace Kitty.

417. That's ridiculous, Lois.

418. I'm just being a good friend.

419. You matter.

420. Francis?

421. Yes?

422. You haven't taken care

423. of Paint Can yet, have you?

424. What kind of a

425. question is that?

426. If I had, would I be

427. hiding from you?

428. It's all right, Francis.

429. It's unfair of me

430. to put this burden on you.

431. We will do this

432. thing together.

433. Just think.

434. We will be sending her

435. to a much better place,

436. with open fields

437. and cool mountain springs

438. where she can

439. run all day,

440. and horses ride people.

441. Unless, of course,

442. she's been a bad horse.

443. Then she will have to spend

444. eternity in a lake of fire,

445. with a delicious bale of hay

446. just out of reach.

447. Otto, I've never killed anything

448. bigger than a poodle.

449. And that was a total accident.

450. Francis, as hard as it will be,

451. I know we can do this.

452. No one said

453. the cowboy life was easy.

454. I'll meet you here

455. at 5:00, after yoga.

456. Stevie, what

457. are you doing?

458. I've seen you do wheelies

459. up and down this ramp.

460. Why don't you find yourself

461. another project?

462. Lloyd looks happy.

463. Why don't you destroy

464. his family?

465. Stevie, I know what your

466. mom did was horrible,

467. but you've got to stop

468. feeling sorry for yourself.

469. Get mad.

470. That's what I would do if

471. my mom walked out on me.

472. Okay, not my mom.

473. But the point is, you have

474. every right to be angry.

475. You're right.

476. That's exactly what

477. I needed to hear.

478. Thanks very much.

479. There you go.

480. This thing sucks at sarcasm.

481. Fine.

482. "My mommy left me, and now

483. I'm a helpless baby."

484. Well, I'm not going to let

485. you just sit there

486. and feel sorry for yourself.

487. Think fast.

488. Come on, you're not

489. that big of a wuss.

490. You are not in charge

491. of how big a wuss I am.

492. I know you can use your arms.

493. Catch it!

494. Look at the helpless

495. little boy in the wheelchair.

496. Look at the

497. little cripple.

498. Are you going to cry?

499. Are you going to cry,

500. little cripple boy?

501. Ooh, it's a baby

502. in a wheelchair.

503. I might be going down

504. a bad road here,

505. but if I stop

506. before I make my point,

507. this could look kind of bad.

508. "I'm a little baby.

509. "I can't move my legs.

510. Kick his ass.

511. Where's my mommy?"

512. Well, this is interesting.

513. I now officially qualify

514. for wheelchair basketball.

515. Never help anyone.

516. You've never been in love,

517. have you?

518. October 12.

519. At lunch, J.J.

520. was telling my fortune.

521. Wow, "girl" again.

522. I keep telling you,

523. I'm only going to have girls.

524. That's if I have kids at all.

525. I mean, the whole

526. suburban mom thing

527. seems like such a nightmare.

528. Who is that?

529. I don't know.

530. But he's getting to second base,

531. if I have

532. anything to say about it.

533. Whoa.

534. I just have to figure out

535. a way to get him to notice me.

536. I don't think you have

537. to worry about that.

538. What do you mean?

539. Well, you know,

540. he'll probably

541. do something you don't like,

542. and you'll unload on him.

543. What?

544. I don't unload on people.

545. Honey, I hate to be the one

546. to tell you this,

547. but the truth is,

548. everyone calls you "The Mouth."

549. The Mouth?

550. Yeah, but they're just

551. a bunch of immature jerks.

552. And the principal,

553. he's just trying to fit in.

554. Abe, you're not getting the flu.

555. It's just your allergies.

556. Did you take your spray?

557. Look in your vest pocket.

558. Uh-huh.

559. What am I going

560. to do with you?

561. Can you pat my back?

562. Thanks.

563. Here you go, Paint Can.

564. Got you the biggest,

565. nicest carrot I could find.

566. Please, Francis,

567. let us not drag this out

568. any longer

569. than we have to.

570. Okay, let's just do it.

571. Don't worry, Paint Can.

572. It will all

573. be over soon.

574. One quick pull of the trigger,

575. and we will

576. put an end

577. to her misery.

578. Ready...

579. aim...

580. fire!

581. Why didn't you shoot?

582. Well, you didn't shoot, either.

583. I wasn't ready.

584. I'm ready now.

585. Good. Here we go.

586. Ready...

587. aim...

588. fire!

589. Oh, come on, Francis,

590. you're being a coward.

591. Me?

592. You totally chickened out.

593. All right.

594. One the count

595. of three,

596. we both shoot, no matter what.

597. One...

598. two...

599. Bang!

600. Oh...

601. Come on.

602. If you're not...

603. You could have killed me.

604. Only after you killed me.

605. You cannot kill a horse,

606. What's wrong with you?

607. but you have no problem

608. killing Otto.

609. Paint Can?

610. What's the matter with her?

611. I think she choked

612. on the carrot.

613. Well, I guess

614. no one can say

615. we're not real

616. ranchers now.

617. Yeah.

618. I just hope

619. we don't develop

620. too much of a taste

621. for killing.

622. I've been thinking about

623. picking up Stevie

624. some of those baggy pants

625. he's been wanting.

626. Hal, we've been

627. through this.

628. All the kids

629. are wearing them.

630. It's not like

631. he's joining a gang.

632. Well, maybe you're right.

633. You do know best

634. about these things.

635. He's lucky to

636. have you, Hal.

637. Can I get you anything

638. from the kitchen?

639. No, I'm fine.

640. Thanks, honey.

641. Abe?

642. Huh?

643. You just tried

644. to kiss me.

645. No.

646. No, that was

647. a lip twitch.

648. See? There it goes again.

649. You know what?

650. I'm glad this happened.

651. Because it made me

652. realize something.

653. Get out.

654. What?

655. I can't replace Kitty.

656. And I'm not doing you

657. any favors by trying.

658. But what am I supposed

659. to do without you?

660. What am I supposed

661. to do about Stevie?

662. I don't have

663. the slightest idea.

664. But you're his father.

665. So just get in there.

666. I know you'll be able

667. to figure it out.

668. You can do this.

669. Now, go.

670. All right.

671. Hold on.

672. Okay.

673. Mom,

674. I have a proposal for you.

675. Now, before you start

676. poking holes in it,

677. I'd like you to hear me out.

678. All I want is

679. no more school

680. and no more big boy clothes.

681. I'd liked to be bathed

682. and rocked before I go to sleep

683. and have all my

684. food mashed up.

685. In return,

686. I'll be adorable and...

687. Are you wearing a diaper?

688. I want you to know

689. my level of commitment.

690. Oh, my God!

691. Stevie!

692. Stevie, where are you, son?

693. I want to...

694. Come on.

695. For God's sake, son,

696. what are you

697. doing out here?

698. You're soaking wet.

699. At last you tell me the truth

700. about something.

701. Son, I know you've

702. had a terrible shock,

703. and you need your father

704. to get you through this.

705. Well, that's not

706. going to happen

707. because your daddy

708. is a weak, weak man.

709. Son, what your mother

710. did to you was horrible.

711. And what I did to you

712. wasn't any better.

713. I'm sorry.

714. Keep going.

715. Stevie, I know

716. your whole life

717. you've had to face

718. tremendous adversity.

719. You've shown more courage

720. than I've had any

721. right to expect.

722. And now you're going to

723. have to show even more.

724. I know it's not fair,

725. but believe me,

726. you can do this.

727. I've learned to be amazed

728. when it comes to you.

729. And if it helps, I promise

730. I'll always be there.

731. Frightened and full

732. of denial, but there.

733. Let's go... home.

734. I'll catch...

735. I didn't mean to!

736. You better...

737. It was a joke!

738. You're making it

739. worse!

740. I'm a big boy!

741. Okay, you drive to the hoop.

742. When they double-team you,

743. kick it out to me,

744. and I'll take the shot.

745. I'll... take the shot.

746. I don't... have a mom.

747. Okay, that's

748. the third time today

749. you've played

750. the "mom card."

751. Get... used to it.

752. Hey, jackass,

753. think it's a big joke

754. to be in a wheelchair?

755. No, no, no, this

756. is real, you know.

757. I was in a... oh!

758. Ow! Oh!

759. October 17.

760. I kept my mouth shut

761. around Jason for a whole week,

762. and he asked me out.

763. I will never go back

764. to the old me.

765. No!

766. Something wrong?

767. Do you think it's right

768. to totally change

769. who you are

770. and turn your back

771. on everything you believe in

772. just to impress a hot guy?

773. Burt Reynolds hot or Sting hot?

774. Forget it.

775. So then we put in

776. dual exhaust,

777. and now the thing

778. just flies.

779. I got it up to 130 miles

780. an hour last night.

781. Mm-hmm.

782. I like talking to you.

783. You're a good listener.

784. So we're all going

785. to ditch class on Friday.

786. Dave's dad is out of town.

787. We're going to borrow

788. his speedboat.

789. So do you want to?

790. Okay, that's got to stop.

791. Huh?

792. I'm trying to be nice

793. and not criticize,

794. but I just have

795. to say that

796. that is the most filthy,

797. disgusting habit I've ever seen.

798. Yes! That's my girl.

799. Someone's gonna

800. lean against that

801. and get it stuck to

802. their clothes, but do you care?

803. No, because you're nothing

804. but a self-absorbed,

805. inconsiderate slob.

806. I'm sorry.

807. Wow.

808. I love how you're so passionate

809. about ecology and stuff.

810. Really?

811. Yeah.

812. It's cool.

813. I could hardly breathe.

814. I knew he was going to kiss me.

815. You are so hot.

816. So are you.

817. Reese!

818. I thought I told you

819. to take out the...

820. What are you doing

821. with my old diary?