Malcolm in the Middle 5x20

1. Guys, look, I like you both.

2. You work hard,

3. but you gotta realize

4. how other people

5. see this relationship.

6. Dude ranches have a lot

7. of conservative customers,

8. so, even though I personally

9. don't have a problem

10. with you two as a couple,

11. this has to stop.

12. Thunder,

13. get back in your own stall.

14. Dewey, I just found

15. this letter!

16. It says your school's going

17. to have a father-son 5K race,

18. and it was in the trash.

19. I wanted to save you the trouble

20. of agreeing to do it

21. and then coming up

22. with a bunch of lame excuses

23. when you don't show up.

24. It's degrading for you and even

25. though I should know better,

26. still slightly disappointing

27. for me.

28. Come on, I'm not that bad.

29. Last week you missed my class

30. performing an original

31. one-act play that I wrote.

32. Well, I was there yesterday

33. when the mayor presented you

34. with an award for it.

35. No, you weren't.

36. Well, I saw every second

37. of the video.

38. Look, son,

39. I am going to be at that race.

40. Okay, if you say so.

41. I'll check.

42. Mom, do you want to talk to dead

43. Grandpa's secret other family?

44. What did you say?

45. This lady says she's your sister

46. and she wants to talk to you.

47. Make it fast, I have a radio

48. station in Hawaii on hold.

49. Hello?

50. Hello, Lois.

51. This is Roberta from Manitoba.

52. Your sister?

53. Halfway.

54. God, this is weird.

55. Hi. Um...

56. What's up?

57. You know,

58. your mom's lawsuit is over.

59. I hope you know I didn't

60. have anything to do with that.

61. Please— I tried to talk her

62. out of it,

63. but she just wouldn't listen.

64. And I'm so sorry she gave your

65. phone number to those prisoners.

66. Well, it's all water

67. under the bridge.

68. It's just, now that

69. the court case is over,

70. it just felt weird

71. to have family

72. that I didn't ever talk to.

73. So, now I am.

74. Talking.

75. Uh, not very well, apparently.

76. God, where is

77. my diet root beer?

78. You drink diet root beer?

79. I drink diet root beer, too.

80. I'm telling you, Hal,

81. it is uncanny

82. how much we are alike.

83. We both have five letters

84. in our middle name!

85. We both like movies

86. about English ladies

87. living in

88. tropical countries.

89. We have the same ring size,

90. and we both hope

91. to go skiing one day!

92. Wow. Make sure I get

93. the right one back.

94. I wish I could come.

95. Although, obviously,

96. not as much as I want

97. to go racing with Dewey.

98. (laughing):

99. Right, sport?

100. Wouldn't it be pretty

101. to think so.

102. Get ready for

103. 21 hours of this.

104. Reese, you put him in his seat

105. face down!

106. Hello?

107. Oh, hi, Mom.

108. I lost the case.

109. They said I was never legally

110. married to Victor

111. because there were no documents.

112. Oh, that judge had guts

113. after what I mailed him.

114. That's very sad, Mom.

115. Not married!

116. Victor came to my house

117. and defeated each of my brothers

118. in combat.

119. The proof was the bite marks

120. on his back!

121. Mom, I really don't want

122. to hear this again.

123. My life is horrible!

124. I can't think of anything

125. but death.

126. I thought I'd come down tomorrow

127. for a visit.

128. What?

129. You want to come see us

130. tomorrow?

131. (quietly):

132. Birthday party for Jamie.

133. Mother, that's a great idea.

134. We would love to see you

135. because tomorrow

136. is Jamie's birthday.

137. And there are going to be kids

138. here, and balloons and songs...

139. I just remembered.

140. Tomorrow I'm getting waxed.

141. I can't ring

142. the doorbell.

143. It's too weird.

144. You can do it.

145. Canadian doorbells

146. work just like ours.

147. No, Reese,

148. I mean it's strange.

149. These people have

150. the same DNA as us.

151. It's kind of spooky.

152. Don't be so freaked out, Mom.

153. There's nothing spooky

154. about this.

155. You must be Lois.

156. And I bet

157. that you're

158. Reese and Malcolm and Jamie.

159. Oh, I'm so glad

160. you're all here.

161. Come in, come in!

162. So, is Dad's oth...?

163. Uh... I mean, is Victor...?

164. Is your mother here?

165. Oh, yes.

166. But she's really, uh...

167. They shouldn't

168. have come...

169. until I've had time

170. to finish the cookies.

171. And my hair is just a mess!

172. You look just like your father!

173. Well, we're all thinking it.

174. I don't care

175. how uncomfortable this is.

176. Give me a hug!

177. Wow. Grandpa really

178. went for old women.

179. Genes are weird.

180. Reese and I are brothers,

181. and we're barely

182. in the same species.

183. But Jerome is my half-cousin,

184. and we look the same,

185. we stand the same,

186. and we're already talking

187. like we're best friends.

188. Malcolm, you're describing

189. an ontology of modality

190. that's completely

191. consistent.

192. As consistent as logicism.

193. And he's funny!

194. Hey, Malcolm,

195. I'm gonna take your brother

196. goose hunting.

197. You're taking

198. Reese hunting?

199. Yeah, you know, he says

200. he's never held a gun before,

201. but, boy, he seems

202. like a natural with it.

203. God, I hope the zombies

204. attack today.

205. So, how's your school?

206. Okay, I guess.

207. They've got me

208. in this accelerated program.

209. Me, too.

210. It kind of sucks.

211. Yeah. It's great being

212. so popular,

213. but every group of friends

214. you're in

215. expects you to go

216. to all their parties,

217. which is, like,

218. physically impossible.

219. Yeah. Impossible.

220. Not to mention juggling

221. homework, hockey practice,

222. being president

223. of the student body,

224. and still trying to find

225. enough time

226. for your girlfriend.

227. Oh, I have to call her.

228. I'm clinging to a slight hope

229. that she's imaginary.

230. Hey, it's me.

231. You did

232. get the flowers.

233. I'm glad you liked them.

234. If we were born

235. so much alike,

236. why is he so much

237. happier than me?

238. Were you talking to

239. that cute girlfriend of yours?

240. Wait. You know what?

241. That's none of my business.

242. Oh.

243. Sylvia, Roberta,

244. your house is so lovely.

245. It's just beautiful,

246. and everything is so fancy.

247. Well, thank you.

248. I can't take much

249. credit for it, though.

250. You know Victor.

251. He loved to spoil us.

252. Oh, look,

253. the lake house.

254. I think that's the

255. summer we nursed

256. a heron back to health.

257. Oh, it's beautiful.

258. Here's one of the tool shed.

259. One time we killed

260. a wasp nest inside it.

261. Look at this one.

262. You girls are dressed

263. like hoboes.

264. Oh, was that

265. a fun costume party?

266. Yeah. Really fun. And long.

267. Here's another one of Dad

268. doing his pretend angry face.

269. And you doing

270. a pretend sad face.

271. I don't think

272. you guys are serious

273. in one of these photos.

274. That's us—

275. just a couple of kidders.

276. You know, I can't get over

277. how happy and friendly Dad looks

278. in picture after picture

279. after picture.

280. Well, you know,

281. Victor wasn't perfect.

282. Sometimes

283. he'd come home

284. a little grumpy.

285. But I'd sit him down,

286. we'd talk it out,

287. and before

288. you knew it,

289. he'd be laughing and joking

290. and giving the girls

291. hugs and kisses.

292. You know, I think I need

293. a little fresh air.

294. Boy, this is weird.

295. I keep thinking about why...

296. things turn out the way they do.

297. It's amazing how different

298. your life could be

299. if you just...

300. changed one person.

301. Tell me about it.

302. You know what

303. else is strange?

304. What?

305. Have you heard a bird

306. or a cricket or anything

307. in the last two minutes?

308. No. Everything's gone

309. as quiet as a graveyard.

310. Judas!

311. Mother, what are

312. you doing here?

313. "Oh, Mommy, I'd love you to come

314. to my baby's party."

315. Do you think

316. I was born yesterday?

317. I could spot lies

318. coming out of your mouth

319. since before it had teeth in it.

320. (sotto voce):

321. Lock the door.

322. Ha!

323. Oh, my God, Mother,

324. she's inside!

325. Lock yourself in the den.

326. I'll call the police.

327. So, Lois... are

328. you enjoying your...

329. collaboration?

330. Looks like you sold your soul

331. cheap enough.

332. Coconut cake— from the woman

333. who stole your father's fluids

334. and made bastards with them!

335. Mother, what the hell

336. are you doing?

337. Get out of here!

338. The police are coming!

339. Why? I don't even get to look

340. at what was stolen from me?

341. Where do you think

342. she got this money?

343. This couch was my trip to Paris!

344. Look at this place.

345. While we lived like dogs,

346. they were playing

347. on grand pianos and

348. eating with napkins!

349. Why do you

350. think you girls

351. were so short and ugly?

352. Victor fed you on beans

353. so he could give

354. his other daughter

355. ballet lessons.

356. Ida, I think you

357. should know

358. that besides the

359. restraining order,

360. I have a knitting needle.

361. All right, it's a crochet hook.

362. Listen to me, tough guy.

363. I know about Victor's

364. other pension!

365. Victor worked

366. for Paragon Brush

367. from 1960 to 1964.

368. Manitoba family law

369. says as common-law wife,

370. I am entitled to that pension!

371. I really don't know

372. what you're talking about.

373. The truth will burst

374. out of the grave

375. and strangle you

376. and your whole family!

377. (sotto voce):

378. Mother, we will

379. discuss this later.

380. If you do not turn

381. and leave,

382. so help me,

383. I will tear that wig

384. off of your head,

385. (louder):

386. and everyone will see

387. your tick scars!

388. It's not over.

389. Canada is the greatest nation

390. on the face of the earth!

391. Hey, Grandma.

392. I can't believe

393. I've never been hunting before.

394. Nature

395. is so complex

396. and beautiful...

397. and bad at hiding.

398. Never again.

399. He was...

400. It was...

401. The horrible laughter.

402. Thanks, man.

403. I'm not going

404. to need this anymore.

405. Next time I want to make

406. a little eye contact.

407. All right, the

408. race is in two days.

409. Let's get out

410. there and practice.

411. Where do we keep

412. the sports bottles?

413. Do we really need props

414. for this charade?

415. Hey, when did your mom

416. get a fire extinguisher?

417. Uh, Dad,

418. you probably don't want to...

419. Why would she hide this from me?

420. Yeah, Mom.

421. He found it.

422. The doctor says

423. two weeks.

424. Bye.

425. I have to admit

426. you almost had me fooled.

427. I really thought you were going

428. to come through this time.

429. Dewey, it was an accident.

430. Believe me, if I wanted

431. to blind myself,

432. there are 100 easier ways

433. I could have done it.

434. Knowing that

435. I let you down

436. hurts much more

437. than burnt corneas.

438. And they hurt a lot.

439. I hate breaking a promise

440. to you, Dewey,

441. I really do.

442. That's the truth.

443. I remember once

444. when my dad told me

445. he was going to take me

446. to an air show.

447. Jerome's amazing.

448. He was born with

449. the same brain as me,

450. but he used it

451. to become friends

452. with the kind

453. of popular,

454. well-adjusted people

455. who hate me.

456. You're right.

457. Nobody cares about

458. student council.

459. But I say what's bad

460. about getting together,

461. planting a few trees

462. and making the school

463. a little more pleasant

464. for everyone?

465. Wow. Jerome took

466. something seriously

467. and didn't

468. get laughed at.

469. That's like the triple Lutz

470. of high school socializing.

471. I'm glad it's

472. him, not me!

473. Why couldn't that be me?

474. Hey, don't forget

475. about tomorrow night—

476. karaoke party.

477. You do karaoke?

478. Yeah, you should come.

479. Uh, karaoke's not my thing.

480. I mean, you

481. can probably sing.

482. No, I can't.

483. I'm terrible.

484. Then why do you do it?

485. Aren't you afraid you'll

486. look like a total idiot?

487. Hey, if you're afraid

488. of looking stupid,

489. you'll never have any fun.

490. He's forgetting about fun

491. at someone else's expense.

492. God, he's so much better

493. than me.

494. We froze

495. Victor's pension

496. because of the dispute

497. with the other family.

498. But you're absolutely right,

499. Manitoba law states

500. that a common-law wife

501. is entitled

502. to her husband's pension.

503. And even if the other family

504. isn't willing to sign a release,

505. you would probably prevail

506. in court.

507. Of course, you'd have to prove

508. you're a common-law wife

509. with DNA tests of children,

510. lease in both your names,

511. phone bills, that sort of thing.

512. But I think you'd win.

513. Finally, a Canadian

514. who isn't an idiot.

515. The problem is, the pension's

516. only $43.50 a month.

517. Canadian.

518. And what with hiring a lawyer,

519. court costs, other expenses...

520. it would all cost so much,

521. I don't see you breaking even

522. for 20 or 30 years.

523. Do you think

524. you'll live that long?

525. God, no!

526. I mean... no.

527. I'm really sorry.

528. Look, just so today

529. isn't a total loss,

530. I'm going to fix you up

531. with a coupon

532. for ten percent off

533. our Elite Wonder Bristle.

534. It's the brush I use.

535. Okay, Mom,

536. you tried.

537. Let's go.

538. No.

539. We're going to do this.

540. What?

541. Were you listening?

542. He said you're

543. going to lose money

544. going after this thing.

545. I don't care.

546. We're gonna get a lawyer.

547. Do you really hate

548. these people so much

549. that you're willing

550. to ruin yourself

551. just to get

552. even with them?

553. It's stupid.

554. He was my husband.

555. Okay, here's your coupon.

556. If there's anything else

557. you need,

558. feel free to give us a call.

559. Just think of us

560. as Victor's second family.

561. Well, uh, third.

562. Hello, Lois, dear.

563. My mom's not here.

564. Look, Sylvia, it turns out

565. there is a pension—

566. a tiny one.

567. $40 a month.

568. Is that all?

569. Yes, and my mom's all

570. worked up about it,

571. and she's willing

572. to waste all her money

573. on a court fight to get it.

574. Oh, dear.

575. So, I was wondering

576. if you'd be nice enough

577. to just sign a release

578. so she could have it.

579. Oh, I don't see that

580. ever happening.

581. Good-bye, dear.

582. But you people got everything.

583. For my mom, this is

584. all she's got. I...

585. She's just looking

586. for some way

587. to feel connected

588. to her husband.

589. You mean my husband.

590. This conversation is not over!

591. This conversation...

592. Oh, you think

593. that's gonna stop me?

594. You don't know

595. who you're dealing with!

596. Oh, yeah, that's right.

597. That's right. Try and hide!

598. You can't hide from me!

599. Aha! A canceled check

600. for Dad's cyst removal

601. with your signature on it!

602. Beautiful!

603. Let them try and say

604. that's not a marriage!

605. And look!

606. The pig Victor got for my dowry!

607. It might take a year or two,

608. but we are gonna

609. get that 40 bucks

610. out of their

611. eye sockets!

612. You know, Mom,

613. if this thing does go to trial,

614. it might help us

615. if you worked a little bit

616. on your demeanor.

617. You know,

618. when you deal with other people,

619. you could be pleasant

620. and say, "How are you?"

621. And that way

622. people will think

623. that you care

624. about their feelings,

625. and then

626. they might care about yours.

627. What the hell

628. are you talking about?

629. I'm just trying to help you.

630. I know you are, Vuschka.

631. I'm sorry.

632. It's just a lot

633. for me to remember.

634. You can show me

635. more tricks tomorrow.

636. It's kind of funny, huh, Mom?

637. After all these years,

638. you and I are actually

639. helping each other.

640. Well, you live

641. as long as I have,

642. you get used to anything.

643. What's that?

644. It's the results

645. of the blood test

646. that lawyer wanted me to take.

647. This says paternity

648. is genetically impossible.

649. This says

650. that Dad is not my father!

651. I was 80% sure you were his.

652. What?

653. The very second

654. Victor walked in the house,

655. I dragged him to the bedroom.

656. I guess his soldiers

657. got outflanked.

658. What?

659. Mother, how could you do

660. something like that?

661. I was lonely.

662. Your father had a lot

663. of business trips.

664. Now we know

665. what his business was.

666. Then who is my father?

667. Oh, what do you want

668. to get into that for?

669. Radu Gogorsky.

670. The only interesting thing

671. about him was

672. he could walk up a flight

673. of stairs on his hands.

674. What about Susan?

675. Is she Dad's daughter?

676. Anything's possible.

677. How could you

678. lie like this?

679. Sweetie, don't be upset.

680. We can change this "A" to a "B."

681. The judge will completely

682. buy it.

683. Mother!

684. I'm taking Jamie.

685. I'm getting

686. out of here.

687. Dad, I don't want to.

688. It's demeaning.

689. What's demeaning about it?

690. Dad, your right shoe's untied.

691. See, Dewey? Teamwork!

692. Runners, take your marks!

693. Set!

694. You're next.

695. Jerome, thank you.

696. I thought I was

697. genetically doomed

698. to be unhappy.

699. But you're my blood,

700. and you can be happy,

701. so that means

702. I can, too.

703. Hi.

704. Hello, Lois.

705. Can I pick him up?

706. (whispers):

707. I talked to

708. Mom about it.

709. She's being stubborn and

710. completely unreasonable.

711. Aren't you

712. a cutie pie?

713. You are!

714. I don't want us to have

715. another argument, Lois.

716. Oh, we don't have to.

717. I have some news.

718. We did a blood test.

719. I'm not Victor's daughter.

720. It turns out

721. I'm not related

722. to you people at all.

723. But we're so alike!

724. I know. It's amazing, isn't it?

725. You know

726. what's even more amazing?

727. It doesn't change anything.

728. Because no matter what,

729. I know

730. that I am Victor's daughter.

731. That horrible, deceitful,

732. bitter man was my father.

733. He was my father when I was two,

734. and he locked me in the closet.

735. He was my father

736. when I was eight,

737. and he got me drunk.

738. He was my father

739. on my wedding day

740. when he told Hal

741. he could do better.

742. He was my dad.

743. You've got a funny little brain,

744. young lady,

745. but if it makes you feel better,

746. I'm happy.

747. Well, you know, the same way

748. I know that he was my father,

749. I know that Ida was his wife.

750. Not technically,

751. not legally,

752. but I know it.

753. And you know it, too.

754. And that's why

755. you hate her so much.

756. I don't hate, dear.

757. I'm Canadian.

758. Well, it's why

759. you're angry then.

760. But the problem is,

761. you're angry

762. at the wrong person.

763. It's not Ida.

764. It's Victor, your husband,

765. who betrayed you both,

766. who manipulated you both.

767. Who made you both feel

768. like you weren't worth

769. being the only one.

770. You hate him,

771. and you know what?

772. He deserves it.

773. Funny thing is, I came up here

774. because I thought Roberta

775. and I were the same,

776. but it's you

777. and my mother

778. who are really alike.

779. I'll sign whatever you want.

780. Just don't ever say that again.

781. Come on, Malcolm.

782. We're going.

783. I'm going to stay here

784. with my cousins.

785. They're not your cousins.

786. It turns out we're not even

787. related to them. Now come on.

788. Look, you're going

789. to hear a lot of stories,

790. none of which are true,

791. about some weird stuff

792. happening in the woods.

793. There could be some

794. grainy photos,

795. but my point is,

796. we should get over the border

797. as quickly as possible.

798. Let's go!

799. Dewey, please.

800. Can't go on much longer!

801. Oh. Ha!

802. (laughing):

803. I did it!

804. I did it!

805. I did it! I did it! I did it!