Malcolm in the Middle 5x20

1. Guys, look, I like you both.

2. You work hard, but you gotta realize

3. how other people see this relationship.

4. Dude ranches have a lot of conservative customers,

5. so, even though I personally don't have a problem

6. with you two as a couple, this has to stop.

7. Thunder, get back in your own stall.

8. Dewey, I just found this letter!

9. It says your school's going to have a father-son 5K race,

10. and it was in the trash.

11. I wanted to save you the trouble of agreeing to do it

12. and then coming up with a bunch of lame excuses

13. when you don't show up.

14. It's degrading for you and even though I should know better,

15. still slightly disappointing for me.

16. Come on, I'm not that bad.

17. Last week you missed my class

18. performing an original one-act play that I wrote.

19. Well, I was there yesterday

20. when the mayor presented you with an award for it.

21. No, you weren't.

22. Well, I saw every second of the video.

23. Look, son, I am going to be at that race.

24. Okay, if you say so.

25. I'll check.

26. Mom, do you want to talk to dead Grandpa's secret other family?

27. What did you say?

28. This lady says she's your sister and she wants to talk to you.

29. Make it fast, I have a radio station in Hawaii on hold.

30. Hello?

31. Hello, Lois.

32. This is Roberta from Manitoba.

33. Your sister?

34. Halfway.

35. God, this is weird.

36. Hi. Um...

37. What's up?

38. You know, your mom's lawsuit is over.

39. I hope you know I didn't have anything to do with that.

40. Please— I tried to talk her out of it,

41. but she just wouldn't listen.

42. And I'm so sorry she gave your phone number to those prisoners.

43. Well, it's all water under the bridge.

44. It's just, now that the court case is over,

45. it just felt weird to have family

46. that I didn't ever talk to.

47. So, now I am.

48. Talking.

49. Uh, not very well, apparently.

50. God, where is

51. my diet root beer?

52. You drink diet root beer?

53. I drink diet root beer, too.

54. I'm telling you, Hal,

55. it is uncanny how much we are alike.

56. We both have five letters in our middle name!

57. We both like movies about English ladies

58. living in tropical countries.

59. We have the same ring size,

60. and we both hope to go skiing one day!

61. Wow. Make sure I get the right one back.

62. I wish I could come.

63. Although, obviously,

64. not as much as I want to go racing with Dewey.

65. Right, sport?

66. Wouldn't it be pretty to think so.

67. Get ready for 21 hours of this.

68. Reese, you put him in his seat face down!

69. Hello?

70. Oh, hi, Mom.

71. I lost the case.

72. They said I was never legally married to Victor

73. because there were no documents.

74. Oh, that judge had guts

75. after what I mailed him.

76. That's very sad, Mom.

77. Not married!

78. Victor came to my house

79. and defeated each of my brothers in combat.

80. The proof was the bite marks on his back!

81. Mom, I really don't want to hear this again.

82. My life is horrible!

83. I can't think of anything but death.

84. I thought I'd come down tomorrow for a visit.

85. What?

86. You want to come see us tomorrow?

87. Birthday party for Jamie.

88. Mother, that's a great idea.

89. We would love to see you

90. because tomorrow is Jamie's birthday.

91. And there are going to be kids here, and balloons and songs...

92. I just remembered. Tomorrow I'm getting waxed.

93. I can't ring the doorbell.

94. It's too weird.

95. You can do it.

96. Canadian doorbells work just like ours.

97. No, Reese,

98. I mean it's strange.

99. These people have the same DNA as us.

100. It's kind of spooky.

101. Don't be so freaked out, Mom.

102. There's nothing spooky about this.

103. You must be Lois.

104. And I bet

105. that you're Reese and Malcolm and Jamie.

106. Oh, I'm so glad you're all here.

107. Come in, come in!

108. So, is Dad's oth...?

109. Uh... I mean, is Victor...?

110. Is your mother here?

111. Oh, yes.

112. But she's really, uh...

113. They shouldn't have come...

114. until I've had time to finish the cookies.

115. And my hair is just a mess!

116. You look just like your father!

117. Well, we're all thinking it.

118. I don't care how uncomfortable this is.

119. Give me a hug!

120. Wow. Grandpa really went for old women.

121. Genes are weird.

122. Reese and I are brothers,

123. and we're barely in the same species.

124. But Jerome is my half-cousin,

125. and we look the same, we stand the same,

126. and we're already talking like we're best friends.

127. Malcolm, you're describing an ontology of modality

128. that's completely consistent.

129. As consistent as logicism.

130. And he's funny!

131. Hey, Malcolm,

132. I'm gonna take your brother goose hunting.

133. You're taking Reese hunting?

134. Yeah, you know, he says he's never held a gun before,

135. but, boy, he seems like a natural with it.

136. God, I hope the zombies attack today.

137. So, how's your school?

138. Okay, I guess.

139. They've got me in this accelerated program.

140. Me, too.

141. It kind of sucks.

142. Yeah. It's great being so popular,

143. but every group of friends you're in

144. expects you to go to all their parties,

145. which is, like, physically impossible.

146. Yeah. Impossible.

147. Not to mention juggling homework, hockey practice,

148. being president of the student body,

149. and still trying to find enough time

150. for your girlfriend.

151. Oh, I have to call her.

152. I'm clinging to a slight hope that she's imaginary.

153. Hey, it's me.

154. You did get the flowers.

155. I'm glad you liked them.

156. If we were born so much alike,

157. why is he so much happier than me?

158. Were you talking to that cute girlfriend of yours?

159. Wait. You know what?

160. That's none of my business.

161. Oh.

162. Sylvia, Roberta, your house is so lovely.

163. It's just beautiful,

164. and everything is so fancy.

165. Well, thank you.

166. I can't take much credit for it, though.

167. You know Victor.

168. He loved to spoil us.

169. Oh, look,

170. the lake house.

171. I think that's the summer we nursed

172. a heron back to health.

173. Oh, it's beautiful.

174. Here's one of the tool shed.

175. One time we killed a wasp nest inside it.

176. Look at this one.

177. You girls are dressed like hoboes.

178. Oh, was that a fun costume party?

179. Yeah. Really fun. And long.

180. Here's another one of Dad doing his pretend angry face.

181. And you doing a pretend sad face.

182. I don't think you guys are serious

183. in one of these photos.

184. That's us— just a couple of kidders.

185. You know, I can't get over how happy and friendly Dad looks

186. in picture after picture after picture.

187. Well, you know,

188. Victor wasn't perfect.

189. Sometimes he'd come home

190. a little grumpy.

191. But I'd sit him down, we'd talk it out,

192. and before you knew it,

193. he'd be laughing and joking

194. and giving the girls hugs and kisses.

195. You know, I think I need a little fresh air.

196. Boy, this is weird.

197. I keep thinking about why...

198. things turn out the way they do.

199. It's amazing how different your life could be

200. if you just... changed one person.

201. Tell me about it.

202. You know what else is strange?

203. What?

204. Have you heard a bird

205. or a cricket or anything in the last two minutes?

206. No. Everything's gone as quiet as a graveyard.

207. Judas!

208. Mother, what are you doing here?

209. "Oh, Mommy, I'd love you to come to my baby's party."

210. Do you think I was born yesterday?

211. I could spot lies

212. coming out of your mouth since before it had teeth in it.

213. Lock the door.

214. Ha!

215. Oh, my God, Mother, she's inside!

216. Lock yourself in the den.

217. I'll call the police.

218. So, Lois... are you enjoying your...

219. collaboration?

220. Looks like you sold your soul cheap enough.

221. Coconut cake— from the woman who stole your father's fluids

222. and made bastards with them!

223. Mother, what the hell are you doing?

224. Get out of here! The police are coming!

225. Why? I don't even get to look at what was stolen from me?

226. Where do you think she got this money?

227. This couch was my trip to Paris!

228. Look at this place. While we lived like dogs,

229. they were playing on grand pianos and eating with napkins!

230. Why do you think you girls

231. were so short and ugly?

232. Victor fed you on beans so he could give

233. his other daughter ballet lessons.

234. Ida, I think you should know

235. that besides the restraining order,

236. I have a knitting needle.

237. All right, it's a crochet hook.

238. Listen to me, tough guy.

239. I know about Victor's other pension!

240. Victor worked

241. for Paragon Brush from 1960 to 1964.

242. Manitoba family law

243. says as common-law wife,

244. I am entitled to that pension!

245. I really don't know what you're talking about.

246. The truth will burst out of the grave

247. and strangle you and your whole family!

248. Mother, we will discuss this later.

249. If you do not turn and leave,

250. so help me,

251. I will tear that wig off of your head,

252. and everyone will see your tick scars!

253. It's not over.

254. Canada is the greatest nation on the face of the earth!

255. Hey, Grandma.

256. I can't believe I've never been hunting before.

257. Nature is so complex

258. and beautiful... and bad at hiding.

259. Never again.

260. He was...

261. It was...

262. The horrible laughter.

263. Thanks, man.

264. I'm not going to need this anymore.

265. Next time I want to make a little eye contact.

266. All right, the race is in two days.

267. Let's get out there and practice.

268. Where do we keep the sports bottles?

269. Do we really need props for this charade?

270. Hey, when did your mom get a fire extinguisher?

271. Uh, Dad, you probably don't want to...

272. Why would she hide this from me?

273. Yeah, Mom.

274. He found it.

275. The doctor says two weeks.

276. Bye.

277. I have to admit you almost had me fooled.

278. I really thought you were going to come through this time.

279. Dewey, it was an accident.

280. Believe me, if I wanted to blind myself,

281. there are 100 easier ways I could have done it.

282. Knowing that I let you down

283. hurts much more than burnt corneas.

284. And they hurt a lot.

285. I hate breaking a promise to you, Dewey,

286. I really do.

287. That's the truth.

288. I remember once when my dad told me

289. he was going to take me to an air show.

290. Jerome's amazing.

291. He was born with the same brain as me,

292. but he used it to become friends

293. with the kind of popular,

294. well-adjusted people who hate me.

295. You're right.

296. Nobody cares about student council.

297. But I say what's bad about getting together,

298. planting a few trees

299. and making the school

300. a little more pleasant for everyone?

301. Wow. Jerome took something seriously

302. and didn't get laughed at.

303. That's like the triple Lutz of high school socializing.

304. I'm glad it's him, not me!

305. Why couldn't that be me?

306. Hey, don't forget about tomorrow night— karaoke party.

307. You do karaoke?

308. Yeah, you should come.

309. Uh, karaoke's not my thing.

310. I mean, you can probably sing.

311. No, I can't. I'm terrible.

312. Then why do you do it?

313. Aren't you afraid you'll look like a total idiot?

314. Hey, if you're afraid of looking stupid,

315. you'll never have any fun.

316. He's forgetting about fun at someone else's expense.

317. God, he's so much better than me.

318. We froze Victor's pension

319. because of the dispute with the other family.

320. But you're absolutely right,

321. Manitoba law states

322. that a common-law wife

323. is entitled to her husband's pension.

324. And even if the other family isn't willing to sign a release,

325. you would probably prevail in court.

326. Of course, you'd have to prove you're a common-law wife

327. with DNA tests of children,

328. lease in both your names, phone bills, that sort of thing.

329. But I think you'd win.

330. Finally, a Canadian who isn't an idiot.

331. The problem is, the pension's only $43.50 a month.

332. Canadian.

333. And what with hiring a lawyer,

334. court costs, other expenses...

335. it would all cost so much, I don't see you breaking even

336. for 20 or 30 years.

337. Do you think you'll live that long?

338. God, no!

339. I mean... no.

340. I'm really sorry.

341. Look, just so today isn't a total loss,

342. I'm going to fix you up with a coupon

343. for ten percent off our Elite Wonder Bristle.

344. It's the brush I use.

345. Okay, Mom, you tried.

346. Let's go.

347. No.

348. We're going to do this.

349. What?

350. Were you listening?

351. He said you're going to lose money

352. going after this thing.

353. I don't care.

354. We're gonna get a lawyer.

355. Do you really hate these people so much

356. that you're willing to ruin yourself

357. just to get even with them?

358. It's stupid.

359. He was my husband.

360. Okay, here's your coupon.

361. If there's anything else you need,

362. feel free to give us a call.

363. Just think of us as Victor's second family.

364. Hello, Lois, dear.

365. My mom's not here.

366. Look, Sylvia, it turns out

367. there is a pension— a tiny one.

368. $40 a month.

369. Is that all?

370. Yes, and my mom's all worked up about it,

371. and she's willing to waste all her money

372. on a court fight to get it.

373. Oh, dear.

374. So, I was wondering if you'd be nice enough

375. to just sign a release so she could have it.

376. Oh, I don't see that ever happening.

377. Good-bye, dear. But you people got everything.

378. For my mom, this is all she's got. I...

379. She's just looking for some way

380. to feel connected to her husband.

381. You mean my husband.

382. This conversation is not over!

383. This conversation...

384. Oh, you think that's gonna stop me?

385. You don't know who you're dealing with!

386. Oh, yeah, that's right. That's right. Try and hide!

387. You can't hide from me!

388. Aha! A canceled check

389. for Dad's cyst removal with your signature on it!

390. Beautiful!

391. Let them try and say that's not a marriage!

392. And look!

393. The pig Victor got for my dowry!

394. It might take a year or two,

395. but we are gonna get that 40 bucks

396. out of their eye sockets!

397. You know, Mom, if this thing does go to trial,

398. it might help us

399. if you worked a little bit on your demeanor.

400. You know,

401. when you deal with other people,

402. you could be pleasant and say, "How are you?"

403. And that way people will think

404. that you care about their feelings,

405. and then they might care about yours.

406. What the hell are you talking about?

407. I'm just trying to help you.

408. I know you are, Vuschka.

409. I'm sorry.

410. It's just a lot for me to remember.

411. You can show me

412. more tricks tomorrow.

413. It's kind of funny, huh, Mom?

414. After all these years,

415. you and I are actually helping each other.

416. Well, you live as long as I have,

417. you get used to anything.

418. What's that?

419. It's the results of the blood test

420. that lawyer wanted me to take.

421. This says paternity is genetically impossible.

422. This says that Dad is not my father!

423. I was 80% sure you were his.

424. What?

425. The very second Victor walked in the house,

426. I dragged him to the bedroom.

427. I guess his soldiers got outflanked.

428. What?

429. Mother, how could you do something like that?

430. I was lonely.

431. Your father had a lot

432. of business trips.

433. Now we know what his business was.

434. Then who is my father?

435. Oh, what do you want to get into that for?

436. Radu Gogorsky.

437. The only interesting thing about him was

438. he could walk up a flight of stairs on his hands.

439. What about Susan?

440. Is she Dad's daughter?

441. Anything's possible.

442. How could you lie like this?

443. Sweetie, don't be upset.

444. We can change this "A" to a "B."

445. The judge will completely buy it.

446. Mother!

447. I'm taking Jamie.

448. I'm getting out of here.

449. Dad, I don't want to.

450. It's demeaning.

451. What's demeaning about it?

452. Dad, your right shoe's untied.

453. See, Dewey? Teamwork!

454. Runners, take your marks!

455. Set!

456. You're next.

457. Jerome, thank you.

458. I thought I was genetically doomed

459. to be unhappy.

460. But you're my blood, and you can be happy,

461. so that means

462. I can, too.

463. Hi.

464. Hello, Lois.

465. Can I pick him up?

466. I talked to Mom about it.

467. She's being stubborn and completely unreasonable.

468. Aren't you a cutie pie?

469. You are!

470. I don't want us to have another argument, Lois.

471. Oh, we don't have to.

472. I have some news.

473. We did a blood test.

474. I'm not Victor's daughter.

475. It turns out

476. I'm not related to you people at all.

477. But we're so alike!

478. I know. It's amazing, isn't it?

479. You know what's even more amazing?

480. It doesn't change anything.

481. Because no matter what,

482. I know that I am Victor's daughter.

483. That horrible, deceitful,

484. bitter man was my father.

485. He was my father when I was two,

486. and he locked me in the closet.

487. He was my father when I was eight,

488. and he got me drunk.

489. He was my father on my wedding day

490. when he told Hal he could do better.

491. He was my dad.

492. You've got a funny little brain, young lady,

493. but if it makes you feel better, I'm happy.

494. Well, you know, the same way I know that he was my father,

495. I know that Ida was his wife.

496. Not technically, not legally,

497. but I know it.

498. And you know it, too.

499. And that's why

500. you hate her so much.

501. I don't hate, dear.

502. I'm Canadian.

503. Well, it's why you're angry then.

504. But the problem is, you're angry

505. at the wrong person.

506. It's not Ida.

507. It's Victor, your husband, who betrayed you both,

508. who manipulated you both.

509. Who made you both feel

510. like you weren't worth being the only one.

511. You hate him,

512. and you know what?

513. He deserves it.

514. Funny thing is, I came up here

515. because I thought Roberta and I were the same,

516. but it's you

517. and my mother

518. who are really alike.

519. I'll sign whatever you want.

520. Just don't ever say that again.

521. Come on, Malcolm. We're going.

522. I'm going to stay here with my cousins.

523. They're not your cousins.

524. It turns out we're not even

525. related to them. Now come on.

526. Look, you're going to hear a lot of stories,

527. none of which are true, about some weird stuff

528. happening in the woods.

529. There could be some grainy photos,

530. but my point is, we should get over the border

531. as quickly as possible.

532. Let's go!

533. Dewey, please.

534. Can't go on much longer!

535. Oh. Ha!

536. I did it!

537. I did it!

538. I did it! I did it! I did it!