Malcolm in the Middle 5x2

Directed by Levie Isaacks

Kat Graham as Val • Caitlin Crosby as Joanne • Michelle Durham as Kathy • Patricia Place as Dolores • David Reynolds as Vernon

Hal and the boys offer to watch baby Jamie so an exhausted Lois can finally get some sleep. Hal leaves the boys in charge while he goes to the Lucky Aid to pick up more diapers. While the boys are watching Jamie, three beautiful teenage girls arrive and woo Malcolm, Reese and Stevie away for the night, leaving Dewey alone with the baby. Meanwhile at the Lucky Aid, Hal doesn't have enough money for the diapers and Craig forces him to work. Back at home, Dewey concocts an elaborate bedtime story for Jamie involving each member of his family.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Finally Mama's going to have some pictures

2. of her beautiful baby to show all her friends at work.

3. Seriously, if you want me to stay a few more hours

4. and babysit, I-I don't mind.

5. Lois looks exhausted.

6. No, no, no. We're fine.

7. We'll see you Monday.

8. Wait. Isn't today Monday?

9. It's Friday.

10. Oh, my God, I'm supposed to be in court today.

11. I'm filing a restraining order against my sister.

12. She thinks that just because

13. she's been my boyfriend's first and third wife,

14. that she has some kind of a claim on him.

15. Isn't that...

16. the cat lady?

17. I guess.

18. For a while she was the naked jogger.

19. But mostly, she's just four bucks an hour.

20. Okay, boys, in the kitchen. You're making dinner tonight.

21. Why do we have to?

22. Because your mother hasn't had any sleep

23. for the last four days.

24. Now get in there.

25. And keep it down. She's nursing the baby.

26. I don't want to go to sleep.

27. Come on, come on.

28. I'm telling you, I am not tired.

29. Hal, please, just stop treating me like a child.

30. Honey, you need your rest.

31. The boys and I are going to take care of this baby

32. for the rest of the night so you can sleep.

33. So stop arguing with...

34. Oh...

35. Try to get Jamie to eat

36. while I make a run for more diapers.

37. If that nipple gets clogged,

38. we've got some clean ones in the drawer.

39. I'll only be gone ten minutes,

40. and I don't want anything to go wrong during that time.

41. I am trusting you boys are mature enough to handle this.

42. He said "nipple."

43. Hi, Craig.

44. When will J. Lo learn?

45. Take it from a bad boy, we're nothing but trouble.

46. Oh. You're buying the Tidy Winks.

47. Yes, and I'm in kind of a hurry.

48. I don't want to criticize,

49. but I think I know why you're buying the Tidy Winks.

50. It's the absorbency, right?

51. People always fall for that,

52. but what they forget is the elasticity in the legs

53. is suspect at best.

54. Craig, I just... You know, since I'm kind of

55. little Jamie's unofficial, second alternate godfather,

56. I've been doing some research,

57. and I recommend you take a look at the Baby Naps.

58. They've got this polymer-based fabric

59. that not only has remarkable wicking capability,

60. but actually...

61. Craig, for God's sakes, I'm in a hurry.

62. Now, I just want the Tidy Winks, okay?

63. I don't have time for a big discussion.

64. Now, please, will you just ring me up?

65. Certainly.

66. That will be $7.98.

67. Craig, don't make a thing out of this.

68. Why, whatever do you mean, Hal?

69. I'm sorry that I snapped at you before,

70. but I really need these diapers.

71. Can you loan me the money?

72. I could loan you the money, Hal,

73. but that would be helping you.

74. And since you have a tendency to yell at people who try

75. to help you, I don't think

76. that's the wisest course of action

77. for me to take.

78. Look, Lois will pay for these

79. tomorrow when she comes in.

80. You can't take those!

81. That's shoplifting!

82. Fine. Then I'm shoplifting.

83. What are you going to do about it?

84. Vernon?

85. Where is Dad with the diapers?

86. Dewey,

87. triple bag that diaper

88. and make sure the garbage can lid is on tight.

89. And hold your breath, because if you pass out,

90. we're not coming out there to get you.

91. Oven mitt.

92. What a fun... Saturday night.

93. Nobody's enjoying this, Stevie.

94. You don't have to be sarcastic.

95. I wasn't.

96. Malcolm, right?

97. Yeah. See, I told you, I knew his name.

98. So, we have a proposal

99. for you and your idiot brother.

100. Oh, my God, another one.

101. And he's in a wheelchair.

102. Jackpot.

103. Kathy?

104. Do you guys want to go out on a date with us?

105. You pray...

106. and you pray...

107. and finally...

108. it happens.

109. What do you mean, "Go out"?

110. When? Where?

111. Right now. With us.

112. In that.

113. Oh, my God.

114. I bet it has a toilet. Dibs!

115. No way, Reese. We're supposed

116. to be taking care of our little brother.

117. We can't just go riding around

118. in the coolest car we've ever seen

119. with three incredibly hot girls.

120. Guys! Guys!

121. I put the lid on tight,

122. but I think it's eating through the...

123. can.

124. Okay, now, look ashamed.

125. Look, can I at least

126. have a phone call to let my family know where I am?

127. Well, technically, you're not under arrest, so no.

128. But since we're friends, I'm going to allow you

129. to work off your $7.98.

130. Two hours at minimum wage ought to do it.

131. Stop fussing. I know you're not hungry.

132. Oh, I know. You want your pacifier.

133. Oh, where is it?

134. What do I do?

135. Oh, how about a story?

136. Stories are good.

137. All right, once upon a time,

138. there was a little baby named Jamie

139. who had a big brother named Dewey.

140. Jamie worshipped Dewey.

141. Dewey and Jamie always had a good time together.

142. Even though their hateful, older brothers always tried

143. to make their lives miserable.

144. Hey, Reese, do you want to have some fun?

145. Yeah. Fun is good.

146. Stop it! Put him down!

147. Stop it!

148. Shut up, Dewey.

149. We're bigger than you are.

150. What do you two boys think you're doing?

151. We're sorry, Mom!

152. I'm stupid!

153. And the two stupid

154. older brothers paid the price

155. for their folly.

156. I've warned you two about messing

157. with my favorite children.

158. Maybe this time you'll learn to behave!

159. Well, now you don't have to worry

160. about those two anymore.

161. And, Dewey, just remember...

162. don't go near my closet.

163. Closet. Not bad.

164. Okay, so here's

165. the deal, freaks.

166. Our boyfriends left us

167. in the middle of the Fall Formal

168. to go to some stupid party.

169. Us!

170. How could Kevin do this to me?

171. I call him 12 times a day.

172. I show up at all his practices.

173. I even changed my whole schedule so that

174. we could have all the same classes.

175. Well, now we are going

176. to pay them back big-time.

177. Wait a minute.

178. There was a Fall Formal?

179. Why wouldn't we know about that?

180. Oh.So, now we're going

181. to go to this party

182. and make out with you guys

183. in front of those inconsiderate jerks.

184. You want to make them jealous?

185. No. We want to make them puke.

186. See, once they see us kissing

187. losers like you guys,

188. they're never going to live it down.

189. You came over to our house and asked us out

190. because we were the most disgusting guys you could find?

191. Actually, some kid with a hunchback and gills

192. turned them down.

193. Said he had too much pride.

194. Forget it.

195. We're not going to be paraded around

196. like monkeys on a chain.

197. You know, we've already been disappointed once tonight.

198. Can you stop thinking about yourself for one second?

199. I don't believe this.

200. I think...

201. the middle one...

202. likes you.

203. Dewey and Jamie had to know

204. what was inside the secret closet,

205. but Mom kept the key hidden under her pillow.

206. So they came up with a brilliant plan.

207. Psst!

208. What are you in for?

209. Diapers.

210. Hmm.

211. Another victim caught up in the evil net

212. of Craig Feldspar!

213. He's a monster.

214. He treats us

215. all on the night shift like dirt!

216. The absolute power

217. of Assistant Night Manager has corrupted him.

218. We're nothing better than slaves.

219. But you're the employees.

220. You're the people

221. who actually run this store.

222. He doesn't care.

223. Do you know what he insists on using

224. in the coffee machine?

225. Store brand.

226. It is so bitter, it's like drinking death.

227. He won't change the incline

228. of the wheelchair ramp out front.

229. I stall out every damn day until somebody gives me a push.

230. He has an iron grip

231. on the store radio.

232. He forces us to listen only to show tunes.

233. Even though we voted unanimously for Adult Contemporary.

234. What does he have against Phil Collins?

235. That bastard!

236. You can't let him do this to you.

237. I mean, without you, he's nothing!

238. He must be stopped!

239. Vernon. Ooh!

240. I don't know,

241. maybe Craig's not so bad.

242. He did give me the Employee of the Month Award

243. after I cleaned his aquarium.

244. Employee of the Month Awards

245. are the opiate of the masses.

246. You people can't let fear run your lives.

247. Are you going to act or suffer under Craig forever?

248. Attention, all Lucky Aide employees.

249. I need someone to microwave a three-cheese Hot Pocket ASAP.

250. The madness ends now.

251. I told you

252. they wouldn't stay at Lori's party all night.

253. Well, then we'll go to Charlotte's party.

254. If they're not there, then we'll go to Lisa's party,

255. and then we'll try the party out on the pier.

256. What parties? Who are these people?

257. Do we even go to the same school?

258. Stop rocking... my boat.

259. Let's just walk home, take our horrible punishment from Dad

260. and be done with it.

261. What are you talking about?

262. These girls want to fool around with us.

263. Only because we're losers.

264. Hey, we're riding in a limo we didn't pay for.

265. We're about to make out with hot girls

266. who don't even like us.

267. I don't know what we are, but we are not losers.

268. Have you even thought about where this is going?

269. Her boyfriend is Aaron Steponovich.

270. Have you seen that guy?

271. If he sees you kissing his girlfriend,

272. he's going to kill you.

273. I know. Then why are you...?

274. Because anything's better

275. than the way things are now.

276. Look...

277. I've had this cute lab partner in science

278. for eight weeks now.

279. Her name is Cheryl.

280. I finally left Cheryl

281. a note on her desk asking her out.

282. And when she read it, she turned to me and said,

283. "Do you know who Reese is?"

284. So then she goes, "Does anybody know who Reese is?"

285. And everybody shrugged.

286. So then I said, "Probably some nobody."

287. And you know what?

288. I was right.

289. Wow. That's awful, kid.

290. You want to wear my hat?

291. So tonight I'm gonna fix that.

292. From now on, when I walk by, people are going to say,

293. "What happened to that guy's face?"

294. And someone's going to say,

295. "That's Reese.

296. He made out with Aaron Steponovich's girlfriend."

297. And that I can live with.

298. Okay, so, which one do you want to kiss?

299. Why don't you just ask me which kind of roach I'd rather eat?

300. You are such a wuss.

301. Okay, watch, I'll do it.

302. Okay, I can't do this without a drink.

303. You guys can get liquor?

304. We know a store where this idiot works.

305. Welcome to our country, Mrs. Namhong.

306. I hope you're enjoying your stay here.

307. You know, I'm thinking about retiring to Cambodia.

308. I hear you can get a hut on the beach with a wife and servants

309. for a hundred dollars a month.

310. The only problem is I need these special orthotics,

311. which are very difficult to find in the tropics.

312. My condition's called pronation,

313. which isn't so bad by itself

314. but when combined with hammertoes...

315. Okay, where was I?

316. Oh, yeah.

317. So, Dewey and Jamie waited until it was late at night...

318. and then they made their move.

319. Don't worry, Jamie.

320. Not all trapdoors lead to dungeons.

321. Wow.

322. And that's when they realized,

323. Mom and Dad had created a secret good house

324. which they went to every night when the kids were asleep,

325. which is why they're so obsessed with our bedtimes,

326. and we never have anything nice,

327. and why they always come out of the bedroom smiling!

328. This 90-inch screen

329. is much better

330. than the 75-inch we have in the bathroom.

331. Oh, absolutely.

332. By the way,

333. Dewey asked for ice cream again today.

334. I told him we couldn't afford it.

335. Oh, I wonder what he'd do

336. if he saw our ice cream helicopter.

337. These could use some freshening up.

338. Did you charge the Brother Bot?

339. I believe it's good to go.

340. Drinks, Francis.

341. You are the worst parents

342. in the world.

343. You undermine my confidence

344. at every turn.

345. You are the worst parents in the world.

346. And yet, as unbelievable as all of this was,

347. it still didn't prepare them

348. for the biggest surprise of all,

349. the most incredible thing they'd ever seen.

350. A pair of pants, his size, that had never been worn

351. or handed down from an older brother.

352. With no holes, no stains,

353. no funny smell, no dead stuff in the pockets.

354. He had to wear those pants.

355. Sorry, sorry.

356. It's not so much a paste as a crust.

357. I have to have it scraped off... Can we just get our...?

358. Vernon!

359. Hey!

360. Vernon!

361. Vernon, the hamsters have left the wheel!

362. This is not a drill!

363. The hamsters have left the wheel!

364. Congratulations, guys.

365. Now, when he signs that confession,

366. give him his clothes back.

367. What are we going to do?

368. I don't know where else to get beer.

369. Can we go home now?

370. Shut up!

371. Oh, my God!

372. Joanne, Aaron's here.

373. Hey, Aaron!

374. You think you're so special?

375. Well, watch this! I'll kiss anything!

376. You don't have to do this, Reese.

377. Hey, she's the one who's disgusted by this,

378. not me.

379. Oh, my God!

380. Jamie's nunu! What?

381. Jamie's nunu!

382. He can't sleep without his nunu!

383. We've got to get this home!

384. Hey!

385. I'll do anything you want. Just take us home now.

386. You know, kid, for a dumb-ass, you got heart.

387. Are they... meeting us... later?

388. So the alarm is going off, and Dewey and Jamie are trapped.

389. Oh, my God.

390. Someone is trying to steal the perfect pants.

391. There'll be dire consequences for this.

392. Francis, find who's ever stealing the perfect pants and stop them!

393. Do this, do that.

394. You are terrible parents.

395. You have made it impossible for me

396. to trust another human being.

397. You are terrible parents.

398. Jamie, I should have known it was you.

399. You are in so much trouble.

400. You are grounded.

401. Do you hear me?

402. That means no TV, no phone privileges,

403. no going out with your friends.

404. Nothing!

405. The moral of the story

406. is that I'll screw you over in a heartbeat,

407. the way my brothers do me.

408. That's the way it works around here.

409. Oh.

410. You're asleep.

411. Don't worry, Dewey!

412. We got Jamie's nunu!

413. What are you doing?

414. See?

415. That's all he needed.

416. Everybody, relax!

417. I've got the diapers!

418. Way to go. Jamie was just asleep.

419. You're so loud.So how am I supposed to know that?

420. What is going on here?

421. Oh, my God.

422. Is that a newspaper diaper?

423. What have you been doing?

424. You've got this baby so agitated,

425. he's going to be up all night.

426. You could take Jamie for a drive.

427. That always puts him to sleep.

428. At this hour?

429. I could get used to this.

430. I've never been in a limousine this big before.

431. Yeah, right.