Malcolm in the Middle 5x2

Directed by Levie Isaacks

Kat Graham as Val • Caitlin Crosby as Joanne • Michelle Durham as Kathy • Patricia Place as Dolores • David Reynolds as Vernon

Hal and the boys offer to watch baby Jamie so an exhausted Lois can finally get some sleep. Hal leaves the boys in charge while he goes to the Lucky Aid to pick up more diapers. While the boys are watching Jamie, three beautiful teenage girls arrive and woo Malcolm, Reese and Stevie away for the night, leaving Dewey alone with the baby. Meanwhile at the Lucky Aid, Hal doesn't have enough money for the diapers and Craig forces him to work. Back at home, Dewey concocts an elaborate bedtime story for Jamie involving each member of his family.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Finally Mama's going

2. to have some pictures

3. of her beautiful baby

4. to show all her friends at work.

5. Seriously, if you want me

6. to stay a few more hours

7. and babysit,

8. I-I don't mind.

9. Lois looks exhausted.

10. No, no, no.

11. We're fine.

12. We'll see you Monday.

13. Wait. Isn't today Monday?

14. It's Friday.

15. Oh, my God, I'm supposed

16. to be in court today.

17. I'm filing a restraining order

18. against my sister.

19. She thinks that just because

20. she's been my boyfriend's

21. first and third wife,

22. that she has some kind

23. of a claim on him.

24. Isn't that...

25. the cat lady?

26. I guess.

27. For a while she was

28. the naked jogger.

29. But mostly, she's just

30. four bucks an hour.

31. Okay, boys, in the kitchen.

32. You're making dinner tonight.

33. Why do we have to?

34. Because your mother

35. hasn't had any sleep

36. for the last four days.

37. Now get in there.

38. And keep it down.

39. She's nursing the baby.

40. I don't want to go to sleep.

41. Come on, come on.

42. I'm telling you,

43. I am not tired.

44. Hal, please, just stop

45. treating me like a child.

46. Honey, you need your rest.

47. The boys and I are going

48. to take care of this baby

49. for the rest of the night

50. so you can sleep.

51. So stop arguing with...

52. Oh...

53. Try to get Jamie to eat

54. while I make a run

55. for more diapers.

56. If that nipple gets clogged,

57. we've got some clean ones

58. in the drawer.

59. I'll only be gone

60. ten minutes,

61. and I don't want anything

62. to go wrong during that time.

63. I am trusting you boys are

64. mature enough to handle this.

65. He said "nipple."

66. Hi, Craig.

67. When will J. Lo learn?

68. Take it from a bad boy,

69. we're nothing but trouble.

70. Oh. You're buying

71. the Tidy Winks.

72. Yes, and I'm in

73. kind of a hurry.

74. I don't want to criticize,

75. but I think I know why

76. you're buying the Tidy Winks.

77. It's the absorbency, right?

78. People always

79. fall for that,

80. but what they forget

81. is the elasticity in the legs

82. is suspect at best.

83. Craig, I just...

84. You know,

85. since I'm kind of

86. little Jamie's unofficial,

87. second alternate godfather,

88. I've been doing

89. some research,

90. and I recommend you

91. take a look at the Baby Naps.

92. They've got this

93. polymer-based fabric

94. that not only has remarkable

95. wicking capability,

96. but actually...

97. Craig, for God's sakes,

98. I'm in a hurry.

99. Now, I just want

100. the Tidy Winks, okay?

101. I don't have time

102. for a big discussion.

103. Now, please, will you

104. just ring me up?

105. Certainly.

106. That will be $7.98.

107. Craig, don't make

108. a thing out of this.

109. Why, whatever do you mean, Hal?

110. I'm sorry that I

111. snapped at you before,

112. but I really need

113. these diapers.

114. Can you loan

115. me the money?

116. I could loan you the money, Hal,

117. but that would be helping you.

118. And since you have a tendency

119. to yell at people who try

120. to help you, I don't think

121. that's the wisest course

122. of action

123. for me to take.

124. Look, Lois will

125. pay for these

126. tomorrow when

127. she comes in.

128. You can't take those!

129. That's shoplifting!

130. Fine. Then I'm shoplifting.

131. What are you going

132. to do about it?

133. Vernon?

134. Where is Dad

135. with the diapers?

136. Dewey,

137. triple bag

138. that diaper

139. and make sure

140. the garbage can lid is on tight.

141. And hold your breath,

142. because if you pass out,

143. we're not coming out there

144. to get you.

145. Oven mitt.

146. What a fun... Saturday night.

147. Nobody's enjoying this, Stevie.

148. You don't have to be sarcastic.

149. I wasn't.

150. Malcolm, right?

151. Yeah.

152. See, I told you,

153. I knew his name.

154. So, we have a proposal

155. for you and your

156. idiot brother.

157. Oh, my God, another one.

158. And he's in a wheelchair.

159. Jackpot.

160. Kathy?

161. Do you guys want

162. to go out on a

163. date with us?

164. You pray...

165. and you pray...

166. and finally...

167. it happens.

168. What do you mean, "Go out"?

169. When? Where?

170. Right now. With us.

171. In that.

172. Oh, my God.

173. I bet it has

174. a toilet. Dibs!

175. No way, Reese. We're supposed

176. to be taking care

177. of our little brother.

178. We can't just go riding around

179. in the coolest car

180. we've ever seen

181. with three incredibly hot girls.

182. Guys! Guys!

183. I put the lid on tight,

184. but I think

185. it's eating through the...

186. can.

187. Okay, now, look ashamed.

188. Look, can I at least

189. have a phone call

190. to let my family

191. know where I am?

192. Well, technically,

193. you're not under arrest, so no.

194. But since we're friends,

195. I'm going to allow you

196. to work off your $7.98.

197. Two hours at minimum wage

198. ought to do it.

199. Stop fussing.

200. I know you're not hungry.

201. Oh, I know.

202. You want your pacifier.

203. Oh, where is it?

204. What do I do?

205. Oh, how about a story?

206. Stories are good.

207. All right, once upon a time,

208. there was a little baby

209. named Jamie

210. who had a big brother

211. named Dewey.

212. Jamie worshipped Dewey.

213. Dewey and Jamie always

214. had a good time together.

215. Even though their hateful,

216. older brothers always tried

217. to make their lives miserable.

218. Hey, Reese,

219. do you want to have some fun?

220. Yeah. Fun is good.

221. Stop it! Put him down!

222. Stop it!

223. Shut up, Dewey.

224. We're bigger than you are.

225. What do you two boys

226. think you're doing?

227. We're sorry, Mom!

228. I'm stupid!

229. And the two stupid

230. older brothers paid the price

231. for their folly.

232. I've warned you two

233. about messing

234. with my favorite children.

235. Maybe this time

236. you'll learn to behave!

237. Well, now you don't

238. have to worry

239. about those two anymore.

240. And, Dewey, just remember...

241. don't go near my closet.

242. Closet. Not bad.

243. Okay, so here's

244. the deal, freaks.

245. Our boyfriends left us

246. in the middle of the Fall Formal

247. to go to some stupid party.

248. Us!

249. How could Kevin do this to me?

250. I call him 12 times a day.

251. I show up at all his practices.

252. I even changed

253. my whole schedule so that

254. we could have all

255. the same classes.

256. Well, now

257. we are going

258. to pay them

259. back big-time.

260. Wait a minute.

261. There was a Fall Formal?

262. Why wouldn't we know about that?

263. Oh.

264. So, now we're going

265. to go to

266. this party

267. and make out

268. with you guys

269. in front of those

270. inconsiderate jerks.

271. You want to make them jealous?

272. No. We want to make them puke.

273. See, once

274. they see us kissing

275. losers like you guys,

276. they're never going

277. to live it down.

278. You came over to our house

279. and asked us out

280. because we were the most

281. disgusting guys you could find?

282. Actually, some kid

283. with a hunchback and gills

284. turned them down.

285. Said he had too much pride.

286. Forget it.

287. We're not going

288. to be paraded around

289. like monkeys on a chain.

290. You know, we've already been

291. disappointed once tonight.

292. Can you stop thinking

293. about yourself for one second?

294. I don't believe this.

295. I think...

296. the middle one...

297. likes you.

298. Dewey and Jamie had to know

299. what was inside

300. the secret closet,

301. but Mom kept the key hidden

302. under her pillow.

303. So they came up

304. with a brilliant plan.

305. Psst!

306. What are you in for?

307. Diapers.

308. Hmm.

309. Another victim caught up

310. in the evil net

311. of Craig Feldspar!

312. He's a monster.

313. He treats us

314. all on the night shift

315. like dirt!

316. The absolute power

317. of Assistant Night Manager

318. has corrupted him.

319. We're nothing better

320. than slaves.

321. But you're

322. the employees.

323. You're the people

324. who actually run this store.

325. He doesn't care.

326. Do you know what

327. he insists on using

328. in the coffee machine?

329. Store brand.

330. It is so bitter,

331. it's like drinking death.

332. He won't change the incline

333. of the wheelchair ramp

334. out front.

335. I stall out every damn day

336. until somebody gives me a push.

337. He has an iron grip

338. on the store radio.

339. He forces us to listen

340. only to show tunes.

341. Even though we voted unanimously

342. for Adult Contemporary.

343. What does he have

344. against Phil Collins?

345. That bastard!

346. You can't let him

347. do this to you.

348. I mean, without you,

349. he's nothing!

350. He must be stopped!

351. Vernon.

352. Ooh!

353. I don't know,

354. maybe Craig's not so bad.

355. He did give me

356. the Employee of the Month Award

357. after I cleaned his aquarium.

358. Employee of the Month Awards

359. are the opiate

360. of the masses.

361. You people can't let fear

362. run your lives.

363. Are you going to act or

364. suffer under Craig forever?

365. Attention, all

366. Lucky Aide employees.

367. I need someone to microwave

368. a three-cheese Hot Pocket ASAP.

369. The madness ends now.

370. (sobbing):

371. I told you

372. they wouldn't stay

373. at Lori's party all night.

374. Well, then we'll go

375. to Charlotte's party.

376. If they're not there, then

377. we'll go to Lisa's party,

378. and then we'll try

379. the party out on the pier.

380. What parties?

381. Who are these people?

382. Do we even go

383. to the same school?

384. Stop rocking... my boat.

385. Let's just walk home,

386. take our horrible

387. punishment from Dad

388. and be done with it.

389. What are you

390. talking about?

391. These girls want

392. to fool around with us.

393. Only because we're losers.

394. Hey, we're riding in a limo

395. we didn't pay for.

396. We're about to make out

397. with hot girls

398. who don't even like us.

399. I don't know what we are,

400. but we are not losers.

401. Have you even

402. thought about where

403. this is going?

404. Her boyfriend is

405. Aaron Steponovich.

406. Have you seen that guy?

407. If he sees you kissing

408. his girlfriend,

409. he's going to kill you.

410. I know.

411. Then why are you...?

412. Because anything's better

413. than the way things are now.

414. Look...

415. I've had this

416. cute lab partner in science

417. for eight weeks now.

418. Her name is Cheryl.

419. I finally left Cheryl

420. a note on her desk

421. asking her out.

422. And when she read it,

423. she turned to me and said,

424. "Do you know who Reese is?"

425. So then she goes, "Does

426. anybody know who Reese is?"

427. And everybody shrugged.

428. So then I said,

429. "Probably some nobody."

430. And you know what?

431. I was right.

432. Wow. That's awful, kid.

433. You want to wear my hat?

434. So tonight

435. I'm gonna fix that.

436. From now on, when I walk by,

437. people are going to say,

438. "What happened

439. to that guy's face?"

440. And someone's going to say,

441. "That's Reese.

442. He made out with Aaron

443. Steponovich's girlfriend."

444. And that I can live with.

445. Okay, so, which one

446. do you want to kiss?

447. Why don't you just ask me which

448. kind of roach I'd rather eat?

449. You are such a wuss.

450. Okay, watch, I'll do it.

451. Okay, I can't do this

452. without a drink.

453. You guys can get liquor?

454. We know a store

455. where this idiot works.

456. Welcome to our country,

457. Mrs. Namhong.

458. I hope you're enjoying

459. your stay here.

460. You know, I'm thinking

461. about retiring to Cambodia.

462. I hear you can get a hut on the

463. beach with a wife and servants

464. for a hundred dollars a month.

465. The only problem is

466. I need these special orthotics,

467. which are very difficult

468. to find in the tropics.

469. My condition's

470. called pronation,

471. which isn't so bad by itself

472. but when combined

473. with hammertoes...

474. Okay, where was I?

475. Oh, yeah.

476. So, Dewey and Jamie waited

477. until it was late at night...

478. and then they made

479. their move.

480. Don't worry, Jamie.

481. Not all trapdoors

482. lead to dungeons.

483. Wow.

484. And that's when they realized,

485. Mom and Dad had created

486. a secret good house

487. which they went to every night

488. when the kids were asleep,

489. which is why they're so obsessed

490. with our bedtimes,

491. and we never have anything nice,

492. and why they always come out

493. of the bedroom smiling!

494. This 90-inch screen

495. is much better

496. than the 75-inch

497. we have in the bathroom.

498. Oh, absolutely.

499. By the way,

500. Dewey asked for ice

501. cream again today.

502. I told him we

503. couldn't afford it.

504. Oh, I wonder what he'd do

505. if he saw

506. our ice cream helicopter.

507. These could use

508. some freshening up.

509. Did you charge the Brother Bot?

510. I believe it's good to go.

511. Drinks, Francis.

512. (robotic):

513. You are the worst parents

514. in the world.

515. You undermine

516. my confidence

517. at every turn.

518. You are the worst

519. parents in the world.

520. And yet, as unbelievable

521. as all of this was,

522. it still didn't prepare them

523. for the biggest surprise

524. of all,

525. the most incredible thing

526. they'd ever seen.

527. A pair of pants, his size,

528. that had never been worn

529. or handed down

530. from an older brother.

531. With no holes, no stains,

532. no funny smell,

533. no dead stuff in the pockets.

534. He had to wear those pants.

535. Sorry, sorry.

536. It's not so much a paste

537. as a crust.

538. I have to have it

539. scraped off...

540. Can we just get our...?

541. Vernon!

542. Hey!

543. Vernon!

544. (over P.A.):

545. Vernon, the hamsters

546. have left the wheel!

547. This is not a drill!

548. The hamsters

549. have left the wheel!

550. Congratulations, guys.

551. Now, when he signs

552. that confession,

553. give him his clothes back.

554. What are we going to do?

555. I don't know where

556. else to get beer.

557. Can we go home now?

558. Shut up!

559. Oh, my God!

560. Joanne, Aaron's here.

561. Hey, Aaron!

562. You think you're

563. so special?

564. Well, watch this!

565. I'll kiss anything!

566. You don't have to do this,

567. Reese.

568. Hey, she's the one

569. who's disgusted by this,

570. not me.

571. Oh, my God!

572. Jamie's nunu!

573. What?

574. Jamie's nunu!

575. He can't sleep

576. without his nunu!

577. We've got to get this home!

578. Hey!

579. I'll do anything you want.

580. Just take us home now.

581. You know, kid, for a dumb-ass,

582. you got heart.

583. Are they... meeting us... later?

584. So the alarm is going off,

585. and Dewey and Jamie are trapped.

586. Oh, my God.

587. Someone is trying to steal

588. the perfect pants.

589. There'll be dire

590. consequences for this.

591. Francis, find who's ever

592. stealing the perfect

593. pants and stop them!

594. Do this, do that.

595. You are terrible parents.

596. You have made it

597. impossible for me

598. to trust another

599. human being.

600. You are terrible parents.

601. Jamie, I should

602. have known it was you.

603. You are in so

604. much trouble.

605. You are grounded.

606. Do you hear me?

607. That means no TV,

608. no phone privileges,

609. no going out with

610. your friends.

611. Nothing!

612. The moral of the story

613. is that I'll screw you over

614. in a heartbeat,

615. the way my brothers do me.

616. That's the way it works

617. around here.

618. Oh.

619. You're asleep.

620. Don't worry, Dewey!

621. We got Jamie's nunu!

622. What are you doing?

623. See?

624. That's all he needed.

625. Everybody, relax!

626. I've got the diapers!

627. Dad!

628. Dad!

629. Dad!

630. What?

631. Way to go.

632. Jamie was just asleep.

633. You're so loud.

634. So how am I supposed

635. to know that?

636. What is going on here?

637. Oh, my God.

638. Is that a newspaper diaper?

639. What have you been doing?

640. You've got this baby

641. so agitated,

642. he's going to be up all night.

643. You could take Jamie

644. for a drive.

645. That always puts him to sleep.

646. At this hour?

647. I could get used to this.

648. I've never been in a limousine

649. this big before.

650. Yeah, right.