Malcolm in the Middle 5x19

Directed by Bryan Cranston

Regan Burns as Middle Aged Man • Craig Lamar Traylor as Stevie Kenarban • Justin Martin as Pete • Gil Glasgow as Fred • Susan Leslie as Tina

When Dewey's annual candy selling event for school comes up, he uses the excuse of "these bars help support america" to sell them. Malcolm and Stevie attempt a science experiment, and are shocked when Reese begs to help.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. "How angry would you be

2. if someone broke

3. your antique music box?"

4. (groans):

5. What do you mean?

6. Does it play at all?

7. Great.

8. What, were you roughhousing

9. in my bedroom?

10. And I don't suppose

11. you're even gonna come out here

12. and face your punishment?

13. Hal, is that you?

14. Stevie, come on.

15. Jonas Salk would've

16. solved this days ago.

17. (labored breathing):

18. He wasn't... working with...

19. an idiot.

20. You're calling me an idiot?

21. You want to make

22. a type-two-restriction

23. enzyme in yeast

24. without using any bacteria,

25. and I'm the idiot?

26. Yes...

27. and yes.

28. We have to... try something.

29. What do you think I've been

30. doing for the last two weeks?

31. When am I getting

32. my room back?

33. I can't work on my sexy-face

34. out there in front of Mom.

35. What are you guys

36. doing in here anyway?

37. Trying to create a new kind

38. of restriction enzyme.

39. What does it look like?

40. You're messing up

41. my room for that?

42. This is important.

43. Restriction enzymes

44. are used

45. for chromosome mapping,

46. DNA testing, gene splicing.

47. It's for a big

48. national competition.

49. If we win this,

50. our paper will be published

51. in a scientific journal.

52. We'll probably be able

53. to write our ticket

54. to any college in the country.

55. Then everyone... will pay.

56. Only our incubator

57. keeps breaking down.

58. Plus, we're running low on agar,

59. we're completely out of blood,

60. our yeast keeps

61. getting contaminated...

62. Maybe I can help.

63. That's okay, Reese.

64. If we need a head caught

65. in a wastepaper basket,

66. we'll give you a call.

67. Why do you do that?

68. I offered to help you,

69. and you turn it around

70. and make it about

71. me being stupid.

72. Seriously.

73. I might have something

74. to contribute.

75. Why don't you just

76. give me a chance?

77. That's two pints.

78. We'd better not take any more.

79. This is so exciting.

80. I feel like I'm going to faint!

81. Four dollars, right?

82. Thanks. Say hi

83. to Dewey for me.

84. Who was that?

85. Oh, some kid from Dewey's class

86. selling chocolate.

87. Enjoy your strained beets,

88. little man.

89. Is it that time of year again?

90. Mom, please don't make me.

91. Aha! I wondered

92. what you were doing

93. with a book bag.

94. I don't want to go

95. door-to-door selling

96. stupid candy.

97. Dewey, your father and I

98. have missed everything

99. at school this year—

100. the paper drive, the car wash,

101. the bake sale.

102. We need you

103. to pick up the slack.

104. You are doing this.

105. Dad, do I have to?

106. Dad?

107. Of course you're doing it.

108. It'll be great

109. for your character to sell—

110. oh, what's a good number—

111. 275 bars.

112. Looks like there's

113. about another half hour

114. of sunlight left—

115. what are you waiting for?

116. Fine, I'll do it!

117. But I just want

118. you to know,

119. if some crazy couple

120. steals me and then

121. raises me as a girl,

122. it's on your head.

123. No, it's not.

124. Hello?

125. Hey, Dewey. What's going on?

126. You won't believe

127. what Mom's putting me through.

128. What is it this time?

129. They're doing a candy bar drive

130. at school,

131. and we've all been given

132. a ton of candy bars to sell.

133. Oh, I used to hate that.

134. And you know what Mom did?

135. What?

136. She forbid me to sell them.

137. She said I'd never be able

138. to sell a single one.

139. Oh, she did?

140. That is horrible!

141. I'll buy a dozen

142. right now, Dewey.

143. She even compared me selling

144. candy to you getting married.

145. You know what?

146. Make it two dozen.

147. But don't tell Mom—

148. she'll think I did it

149. just to make her mad.

150. Tell her someone else

151. bought them.

152. Wouldn't that be a lie?

153. It doesn't matter.

154. It's justified—

155. she's the reason

156. that no one in this family

157. has any confidence.

158. I'm hanging up right now

159. so I can write you a check.

160. Hey, Fred, where are you

161. going with that piglet?

162. Well, can't keep him in the pen.

163. The sow rejected him.

164. So you're gonna take him home?

165. Yeah, that's what

166. I'm gonna do.

167. Oh, no!

168. Do you have to?

169. Well, listen, he's half the size

170. of the rest of the litter.

171. The other piglets

172. won't let him feed.

173. It's the humane thing to do.

174. Fred, you can't do this.

175. Look at his face.

176. He knows you're gonna

177. take him out and kill him.

178. Well, he does now.

179. Ralph!

180. What?

181. You can't kill him

182. if he has a name.

183. It's Ralph.

184. Little Ralph the piglet.

185. Aw, geez.

186. That's my kid's name. Here.

187. Did it separate?

188. Hell, no.

189. So we still don't have

190. an enzyme.

191. What is our problem?

192. We've tried...

193. every variable...

194. of heat... and pressure?

195. Yes, yes, yes.

196. We've tried acids,

197. we've tried bases.

198. How much blood

199. do we have left?

200. Plenty.

201. I snuck...

202. another pint...

203. when he was sleeping.

204. Stevie!

205. He wants... to help.

206. I know, but I took care of that.

207. He kept bugging me,

208. so I gave him some food coloring

209. and told him

210. they were chemicals.

211. Guys, guys!

212. I've made a discovery!

213. When you mix blue and yellow,

214. you get an entirely new color!

215. I'm gonna name it...

216. "blellow."

217. Hey, look at this.

218. Dewey has already

219. sold 52 candy bars.

220. He still has

221. a long way to go, Lois.

222. Let's keep our feet

223. on the ground.

224. For now.

225. Kitty, come down.

226. Fear not!

227. Have your pets

228. spayed or neutered.

229. It's nice Dewey's working

230. so hard for the school.

231. If he keeps this up,

232. we'll be able to blow

233. off the Safety Fair.

234. Hello, sir.

235. Sorry. I don't eat candy.

236. Oh, these aren't candy bars.

237. These are America Bars.

238. What are you talking about?

239. You know, America Bars.

240. Well, actually, I prefer

241. the term "Freedom Bars."

242. You love America, right?

243. Well, of course I do.

244. Well, there are

245. a lot of people out there

246. who are hoping

247. we won't do our part.

248. What do you mean?

249. You know. People.

250. People who don't have

251. this country's best interests

252. at heart.

253. So, these candy bars

254. help fight terrorism?

255. With every chocolatey,

256. nougaty bite.

257. How much are they?

258. $9.50.

259. I'll take two.

260. Thank you.

261. No, young man. Thank you.

262. Separate!

263. Hello...

264. trade school.

265. I wish Reggie would kill Archie

266. and take over this comic.

267. Malcolm, I need you

268. to watch Jamie for a while.

269. Mom, we're at a very critical

270. point in our experiment.

271. I'm sorry. Are you new?

272. Stevie, explain to

273. your friend how things

274. work around here.

275. Anything?

276. No change.

277. Bounce him higher.

278. Well, none of these worked.

279. Maybe we should...

280. Oh, my God!

281. (labored breathing):

282. It... separated!

283. Yeah! We did it!

284. We made an enzyme!

285. Unbelievable!

286. What'd you do to it?

287. I didn't... do anything.

288. What? Well, neither did I.

289. Blellow!

290. Hey, guys.

291. How did... you do it?

292. I didn't do anything.

293. Look, we're not

294. mad at you.

295. We just need to know

296. what you did.

297. Why are you always

298. blaming me?

299. Reese, you did a good thing.

300. You somehow got this thing

301. to separate.

302. You must have added something.

303. What was it?

304. Oh.

305. I just... I don't know

306. if I can even remember.

307. I mean, I wasn't paying

308. that much attention,

309. and there was all this

310. other stuff going on.

311. And I'm not sure

312. why I'd tell you...

313. if you're not going

314. to give me credit!

315. What?

316. This is a big contest.

317. Big enough for

318. the three of us.

319. So, either we split

320. the credit three ways,

321. or I'm not talking.

322. You are picking

323. the wrong guys

324. to mess with, Reese.

325. Yeah.

326. Let's tattle.

327. and he won't tell us

328. what he did

329. unless we give him credit

330. for it.

331. It's so unfair.

332. All he did was just

333. read comic books

334. and we've been working on it

335. for weeks.

336. What is it you want me

337. to do, Malcolm?

338. Force him to tell us.

339. Wait a minute.

340. It seems to me if Reese

341. fixed your experiment,

342. he should get some credit.

343. What? No.

344. He doesn't even know

345. why it works.

346. I've been working for 20 years

347. without knowing why.

348. Give Reese the credit.

349. Calm down, Ralph, it's okay.

350. You're all right.

351. What happened?

352. The other piglets

353. were mean to him.

354. Francis, you said last week

355. you'd put that thing

356. back in its pen.

357. I tried, but he's just

358. so good-natured and sweet,

359. the others won't let him feed.

360. I am not putting him

361. back in there

362. until I teach him

363. to be more assertive.

364. But we're spending

365. every second of the day

366. taking care of him.

367. Hey, no one ever said

368. raising a pig would be easy.

369. No one ever said

370. we'd be raising a pig.

371. Listen, Francis...

372. either you return Ralph

373. to his pen tonight,

374. or he's gonna be looking up

375. at you from an omelet.

376. Come on, Ralph.

377. It's gut-check time.

378. Your brothers don't think

379. you can keep up with them.

380. Is that what you think?

381. Come on, I know you can do it.

382. You just gotta get tough.

383. Come on, show me your mean face.

384. Hmm. What's that?

385. Ah. The stink of failure.

386. Okay, Reese. We give up.

387. Just tell us what you did

388. and we'll give you credit.

389. Okay, just sign this.

390. "Reese is a full partner

391. in this experiment

392. "and is entitled to

393. a full share of the credit

394. "because without his help,

395. this would have

396. been impossible."

397. Outwitted...

398. by a dumb ass.

399. Everything seems to be in order.

400. All right, Reese,

401. tell us what you did.

402. Okay.

403. I have no idea.

404. I don't remember doing

405. anything special to it.

406. What?

407. But now when you

408. make fun of me

409. and tell people I'm stupid,

410. I have actual evidence

411. in your own handwriting

412. that says

413. I'm just as smart as you are.

414. Hah! Finally,

415. there is justice in...

416. This baby's mother

417. is 13 years old.

418. Every candy bar you buy

419. goes towards buying

420. unwed mothers like her

421. schoolbooks and hot lunches.

422. I'll get my purse.

423. I'm telling you

424. I don't remember!

425. Okay, let him up.

426. Reese...

427. this is important.

428. It's for medicine.

429. This enzyme could help save

430. somebody's life one day.

431. Just please try to think

432. about what you did.

433. Um...

434. I can't.

435. I'm sorry.

436. I don't know.

437. I was just hanging out

438. in the room like I always do.

439. Re... create it.

440. Yeah,

441. that's a great idea.

442. Just do everything

443. you did

444. when you were

445. in the room by yourself.

446. Just close your eyes

447. and pretend.

448. See everything you did

449. in your mind's eye

450. and then just

451. do what you see.

452. Stevie and I

453. aren't even here.

454. You're alone in the room

455. just like before.

456. Okay, let's see...

457. First thing was...

458. you guys left.

459. And then I went

460. to the test tubes...

461. to see what

462. an enzyme tasted like.

463. But then it was boring already.

464. And then...

465. I saw something shiny...

466. and I put it

467. in my "shiny" box.

468. And then...

469. Right.

470. And then I got

471. one of Malcolm's shirts...

472. and then I...

473. Oh, my God.

474. Then I played

475. with Dewey's Game Boy.

476. And your teacher

477. called to say

478. you sold more chocolate

479. bars than anyone else.

480. She said all your

481. classmates hate you.

482. I'm so proud, Dewey.

483. Well, you know,

484. it's a good product.

485. They really

486. sell themselves.

487. I can't believe it.

488. Dewey sold over

489. 1,500 candy bars.

490. 1,500...

491. Page 12.

492. (engine revving,

493. tires squealing)

494. They'll eat your

495. dad's dust.

496. Hi.

497. Is this where the boy lives

498. who's selling Eco-Bars?

499. Sorry, we're all out.

500. Come back later.

501. Well, there you are.

502. We wanted to buy some more

503. of those candy bars

504. that heal the forests.

505. You should be

506. so proud of your boy.

507. I don't know what

508. you're talking about.

509. Of course you do.

510. You said every bar

511. plants a seedling

512. in fire-ravaged

513. Yellowstone.

514. Ooh, and I love

515. the little bonus

516. of 10% going

517. to pro-life causes.

518. Wait a minute.

519. He told me 10%

520. went to pro-choice causes.

521. I didn't know

522. you felt that way.

523. I didn't know you

524. felt that way.

525. Excuse me, ladies,

526. I have to tell someone

527. how I feel.

528. You are in

529. so much trouble.

530. I hope you'll think

531. about what you did

532. every time you see me

533. driving by in your prize.

534. He's not getting

535. any prize.

536. You've been lying

537. to everyone

538. to get them to buy candy?

539. What did we tell

540. you about lying?

541. Lying is the worst thing

542. you can do.

543. It destroys character,

544. Dewey.

545. It destroys the trust

546. people have in each other.

547. Do you understand?

548. Yes.

549. What do you have

550. to say for yourself?

551. Francis told me to do it.

552. I should have known.

553. Did you tell your brother

554. to lie about those candy bars?

555. You bet I did.

556. And I'm sick of you

557. standing on the sidelines

558. sabotaging everything

559. we try to do.

560. Have you lost your mind,

561. Francis?

562. What kind of advice is that

563. to give to your brother?

564. This is all your fault.

565. I'm just trying

566. to help the kid

567. instead of tearing

568. him down all the time.

569. And I'm sick of you thinking

570. that everything we do

571. is stupid.

572. Okay, Ralph, remember

573. your visualization.

574. You're mean, you're tough.

575. You're the biggest

576. pig in the pen

577. and you're not

578. afraid of anyone.

579. Get in there, kick some ass

580. and nurse like you have

581. never nursed before.

582. Hey, that's it, Ralph.

583. Get in there. Good for you.

584. Good.

585. Okay, stop, Ralph.

586. Ralph, no biting.

587. Oh, not the mother, too!

588. That's gross.

589. No, Ralph, not the...

590. chicken coop.

591. If I were you, I'd hurry up

592. and start naming the cattle.

593. and then my ears

594. were finally

595. clean.

596. Then I was going

597. to update

598. my enemies list,

599. but I remembered I

600. had math homework.

601. Didn't get it.

602. Didn't get it.

603. Didn't get it.

604. Didn't get it.

605. Stupid. Stupid.

606. Stupid.

607. Stupid.

608. Stupid.

609. I hate you, I hate you.

610. Then I worked

611. on my triceps.

612. Hey, no one likes math.

613. Sorry.

614. That's okay.

615. So, what'd

616. you do next?

617. Nothing.

618. I started playing

619. with the ball.

620. Well, I guess we won't...

621. Throw it... again.

622. What?

623. Reese, keep throwing it.

624. Look.

625. It separated.

626. It separated!

627. There must be asbestos

628. in the ceiling.

629. Of course.

630. What are you talking about?

631. Reese, you did it.

632. Asbestos is a highly

633. mutagenic material.

634. It can change the way cells

635. reproduce— these cells.

636. And it's been here

637. the whole time.

638. We have asbestos

639. in our ceiling.

640. We have asbestos in our ceiling.

641. We have asbestos

642. in our ceiling.

643. Yay.

644. What?

645. Scrabbled eggs,

646. coming up.

647. So we're living out here

648. till they get

649. the asbestos cleaned out.

650. Oh, and we won the contest.

651. Turns out the company

652. sponsoring it

653. keeps all the patent rights.

654. They're using our work

655. to make a new cholesterol drug

656. that'll earn billions.

657. And you know what we got?

658. A pencil case.

659. It has a compass in it.

660. Mom, Dad, anybody

661. need a pencil?

662. No, Reese.

663. We still don't need a pencil.

664. Well, if you do, you

665. know where to find it.

666. Okay, Francis, how

667. much longer are we

668. going to have to share

669. the bed with Ralph?

670. It's getting

671. ridiculous.

672. He puts up

673. a brave front,

674. but I don't think he really

675. feels that confident.

676. He'll let us know

677. when he's ready.