Malcolm in the Middle 5x18

Directed by David D'Ovidio

Amy Castle as Hayley • Craig Lamar Traylor as Stevie Kenarban • Kenneth Mars as Otto Mannkusser • Matt Malloy as Mr. Sheridan • Dennis Bendersky as Davey

Malcolm convinces Dewey to do poorly on an I.Q. test, so that he won't become a ridiculed Krelboyne student. But Dewey does so badly that he is placed in a class for the emotionally disturbed. Hal and Craig compete in a dance competition.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Distinguished guests, friends,

2. members of the press...

3. when the Fish Defense League

4. told me

5. that the dam on our property

6. was blocking the endangered

7. silverback trout

8. from its natural breeding

9. grounds, I was glad to help.

10. And so today,

11. we are going to blow up

12. this evil dam.

13. Afterwards, we will have

14. a nice, light lunch

15. provided by the Grotto,

16. a friend of fish

17. and the business traveler.

18. Here we go!

19. That's weird.

20. From here, the dynamite looks

21. a lot like

22. a picnic cooler.

23. I am starting to think

24. that that is

25. a picnic cooler.

26. We'd like to wish

27. a happy birthday

28. to Mary who is six years old.

29. Mom and Dad let Dewey pick

30. where we went to dinner tonight.

31. I can't decide if it's

32. supposed to be

33. a punishment for us

34. or a treat for him.

35. Probably a little bit of both.

36. How's the chicken

37. supposed to know you like her

38. if you don't

39. say anything?

40. Boys! Food's here!

41. So, Dewey, are you having

42. a good time?

43. I actually am.

44. Oh, wait.

45. Why?

46. He's dying!

47. We have to make sure you come up

48. with a really good wish.

49. Reese, he isn't dying.

50. If he were dying,

51. we'd at least spring

52. for Red Lobster.

53. Mrs. Welsh, your counselor,

54. said that she'd like

55. you to take an I.Q. test.

56. What?

57. Malcolm, do not poison

58. your brother.

59. He is an entirely different

60. person than you are and

61. he is not automatically going

62. to have the same experience!

63. It's just a little test, honey.

64. Mom, don't do this.

65. I lost all my friends

66. when I went

67. into the Krelboyne class.

68. Everyone hated us!

69. You had every advantage

70. in that class.

71. You had computers,

72. an electron microscope,

73. a seismograph...

74. Which is why they hated us!

75. Malcolm, we all know

76. there's something weird

77. going on in that boy's brain

78. and I, for one...

79. What the...?

80. Excuse me.

81. Craig?

82. Oh, hi, Hal.

83. What're you doing?

84. Just protecting my high score.

85. It's cheaper

86. than a gym.

87. And no shower bullies.

88. You're great.

89. Well, I'm kind of

90. a legend around here.

91. You're staying out

92. of the ball pit,

93. right, Feldspar?

94. Yes, sir. You were

95. quite clear on that.

96. Hey, hop on up, Hal.

97. It's a blast.

98. Beat it, Davey.

99. Oh, I don't know...

100. Come on. It's easy.

101. Just watch the screen,

102. put your feet where it says.

103. Let's try it.

104. Hey, this is fun.

105. Really fun!

106. Oh, God.

107. Just got him

108. to stop

109. the ice sculpting.

110. Well, it looks like

111. it's going to be

112. just you and me

113. for the next month,

114. sweetie.

115. So the school thinks

116. I might be a genius, too?

117. But I'm not

118. a whiny loudmouth

119. who complains

120. about everything.

121. Malcolm's a genius,

122. and now Dewey's a genius?

123. I guess it's only

124. a matter of time

125. 'till we find out

126. that I'm a genius.

127. I wonder what kind of genius

128. I am.

129. 15 times 32 is 3,989.

130. It's 480.

131. Okay, so I'm not Rain Man,

132. big deal.

133. Some day they'll invent

134. a machine

135. that does that stuff

136. for you, anyway.

137. Okay, question 17 was,

138. "Bee is to hive as

139. A) fish is to pond,

140. "B) bear is to den

141. or C) coral is to reef?"

142. That's what it was,

143. right?

144. How should... I know?

145. You took the same test

146. I did.

147. Four... years ago.

148. How do you... remember?

149. I just do.

150. And it's a good thing,

151. because it's the only way

152. we can keep Dewey out

153. of the Krelboyne class.

154. Why can't...

155. he just... tank it?

156. The tests are designed

157. to catch that.

158. We have to give exactly

159. the same answers

160. a real dumb person

161. would give.

162. How do we... do that?

163. Guys, guys!

164. I've been trying to figure out

165. what kind of genius I am,

166. and I finally realized,

167. I should go to the library!

168. And you know what?

169. You can get Internet porn there

170. and the librarians can't do

171. anything about it!

172. God, I love

173. this country.

174. Hey, Mom!

175. I'm doing it!

176. And it only took

177. all my lunch breaks

178. and $200 worth of quarters!

179. Can't one of you

180. have a heart attack

181. so the rest of us can play?

182. In a second.

183. Show time!

184. Yes!

185. I think we're finally ready.

186. I didn't want to say anything

187. until I was sure,

188. but I signed us up

189. for the weekly tournament.

190. No, it's too soon.

191. Hal, you don't work

192. this hard

193. just to Jump, Jump Dance

194. alone in your room.

195. Besides, someone has

196. to teach Hayley and Kylie

197. not to be so stuck up

198. just because they think

199. they're so great.

200. You can't enter

201. the tournament.

202. You're going to look

203. like idiots.

204. We're not done

205. rehearsing.

206. We'll be a lot

207. better by then.

208. No, you're going

209. to look like idiots

210. because it's

211. a contest for kids.

212. It doesn't say that

213. anywhere.

214. I read the rules

215. three times.

216. And we're under

217. the weight limit.

218. You can call

219. the manufacturer.

220. If you give these answers

221. exactly the way

222. they're written,

223. you'll stay out

224. of the Krelboyne class.

225. Maybe I'd like

226. the Krelboyne class.

227. I hear they just

228. got a robot parrot

229. that speaks 20 languages.

230. Dewey, you have to trust me.

231. I'm the good brother.

232. I'm the one

233. who cares about you.

234. You beat me up

235. and make fun of me.

236. Only when

237. you're being annoying.

238. Dewey, I'm serious.

239. How can I make you

240. understand?

241. The coolest person

242. in the class... was me.

243. Okay, I'll do it.

244. You're sure...

245. this'll work?

246. Hey, if there's

247. one thing I know,

248. Reese's answers will not get him

249. into the Krelboyne class.

250. I'm emotionally disturbed?

251. Oh, we don't use those terms.

252. This isn't about labeling.

253. A blue folder with

254. an asterisk next to your name

255. just means that you get

256. a little more special help

257. than other kids.

258. Hey, Bill.

259. This one's named Dewey.

260. Dewey, Dewey, Dewey.

261. Okay.

262. There's no yelling,

263. no kicking,

264. no hitting, no physical touching

265. of any kind.

266. You are allowed to cry,

267. if you do it quietly.

268. Find a seat

269. wherever you can.

270. Vroom, vroom.

271. Hey, could you

272. scratch my nose?

273. What's that?

274. Oh.

275. You can ignore the sign.

276. They put you

277. in with the Buseys?

278. Yeah, it's real interesting.

279. Today, we learned about

280. our greatest enemies,

281. Mr. Matches

282. and Mr. Talk-Out-Of-Turn.

283. Oh, and I also got

284. to see a crane

285. lower a flight simulator

286. into the Krelboyne class.

287. Oh, my God!

288. Does Mom know?

289. You're still alive, so no.

290. I'm so sorry.

291. I swear I'll fix this.

292. Just don't tell Mom.

293. Please, please don't tell Mom.

294. You know, I like the begging,

295. but it needs something.

296. Better, but... still not enough.

297. Dewey, this is my paycheck.

298. There's $98.00 here.

299. I will give you

300. everything I make

301. until you get

302. out of that class.

303. Hi, boys.

304. Hey.

305. Oh, Dewey, did

306. Mrs. Welsh tell you

307. when they'd get

308. your test results?

309. Oh, I got 'em.

310. And he's in the Krelboyne class,

311. just like you wanted.

312. I hope you're happy.

313. You've ruined his life!

314. Come on, Dewey.

315. Well, I'm not an escape artist.

316. Okay. Now that Chad

317. has apologized

318. to Lester, Max, Zoe, Phoebe,

319. Garth, Michelle,

320. and Linda,

321. we can now try,

322. once again,

323. to read Polar Express

324. in as normal a way as we

325. can possibly manage.

326. Hanson?

327. Indoor muffler!

328. Okay, I want you

329. to open this book

330. to page seven and read.

331. No motorcycle.

332. Just say exactly

333. what's on the page.

334. No motorcycle.

335. No motorcycle.

336. No motorcycle.

337. No motorcycle.

338. Okay, okay.

339. That's enough reading.

340. Why don't we try

341. some more quiet time?

342. Why did you do that?

343. When did you read that book?

344. Three years ago.

345. Me, too. All of us did.

346. They treat us like we're

347. stupid instead of just weird.

348. This place is slowly killing me.

349. Oh, look.

350. We made it to recess.

351. Jeffy, you're not an arm's

352. length from Carrie.

353. Why don't we have recess

354. with the other kids?

355. We make them too sad.

356. Mrs. Welsh?

357. May I help you?

358. I'm Malcolm, Dewey's brother.

359. I have to talk to you

360. about the test Dewey took.

361. I'm afraid I can only discuss

362. that with his parents.

363. See, that's just it.

364. I can get in a lot of trouble

365. for coming here,

366. but I have to tell you why his

367. test came out the way it did.

368. Our mom has a substance

369. abuse problem,

370. and she had a huge relapse

371. the morning he took the test.

372. Oh, my God.

373. Yeah, which is why she can't

374. find out I came here.

375. I don't want to say

376. she's dangerous

377. because she's, you know, my mom,

378. and I love her.

379. Wow. Well, I can tell you

380. really care about your family.

381. It's been really hard.

382. Let's see what

383. I can do. Okay?

384. And I don't think we have to

385. bother your mom with this.

386. Thanks.

387. I'll do everything

388. through your dad.

389. Thanks for the heads up.

390. Wow. Ten messages

391. from Dewey's counselor.

392. Maybe I should...

393. Practice so we can win

394. this thing?

395. Right.

396. Five, six, seven, eight!

397. One, two, three,

398. and four

399. and boogie shake,

400. boogie shake,

401. and slide and slide,

402. These jazz shoes have really

403. helped my kick turns.

404. Totally worth

405. 150 bucks.

406. Hal?

407. Uh-oh.

408. Here comes Yoko.

409. It's 5:00

410. in the morning.

411. You've been up all night.

412. Honey, I know you think

413. this is silly

414. and that I've just gone off

415. the deep end again,

416. but this isn't like

417. the other times.

418. I have a gift, Lois,

419. and it would be wrong for me

420. to turn my back on that.

421. Right. I see we've

422. entered phase two.

423. Which is fine, as long

424. as you follow the rules.

425. You have to go

426. to work.

427. You have to eat.

428. You cannot involve

429. the children.

430. And you're freezing

431. the joint account.

432. Did it last week.

433. Good night, Fred.

434. Ginger.

435. I thought it was Fred

436. and Barney.

437. Take your tissue and carefully

438. twist it to make a flower.

439. Then you make a bouquet

440. by carefully stacking them.

441. Go slow. This isn't a race.

442. Why do all our art projects

443. use tissues?

444. Because tissues are soft

445. and nontoxic.

446. This way no one gets hurt,

447. and no one sues the school.

448. This program can't handle

449. another lawsuit, Dewey.

450. I only get paid for four days

451. a week as it is.

452. But it's ridiculous.

453. We have to do math

454. without pencils.

455. We have to do history

456. without hard-cover books.

457. Can't we at least

458. have some art supplies?

459. Art supplies mean scissors.

460. Theymean paste.

461. These children stab

462. with scissors.

463. They eat paste.

464. Some of them tried

465. to eat scissors.

466. This one tried

467. to stab with paste.

468. Teachers are supposed

469. to help their students.

470. Maybe you wouldn't be so unhappy

471. all the time

472. if you tried a little harder.

473. Look, Dewey, you're not going

474. to make it

475. through the year

476. with that attitude.

477. You just have to take

478. all your hopes and dreams

479. and let them die.

480. Then maybe you won't end up

481. staring at a clock

482. at 4:00 in the morning wishing

483. you had kissed more ass

484. in grad school.

485. Thanks for trying.

486. I swear, if you can get

487. the paste,

488. I'll stab him for you.

489. and then he was chopped up

490. and eaten by wolves,

491. because that's what happens

492. to babies who pull hair.

493. What are you doing here?

494. Malcolm, who is it?

495. Don't worry.

496. I have a master's degree

497. in conflict resolution.

498. Can I help you?

499. I'm Mrs. Welsh,

500. Dewey's counselor.

501. First of all,

502. let me just tell you

503. how much I admire

504. your courage.

505. Thank you.

506. Your son Malcolm

507. came to see me...

508. No, I didn't!

509. Let me do what I do.

510. He was worried

511. that Dewey

512. had been placed

513. in the wrong class.

514. Malcolm, how dare you?

515. You made your feelings

516. very clear,

517. but you had no right

518. to do something like that!

519. Well, the thing is I did look

520. through Dewey's records,

521. and his test results

522. don't match up

523. with his classroom

524. performance.

525. There may be grounds

526. to retest him.

527. Oh, no. Absolutely not!

528. You are not going

529. to take this away from my son.

530. He deserves to be in that class.

531. He needs to be in that class.

532. And don't think I won't

533. fight you on this.

534. I didn't come here

535. to upset you.

536. The last thing that

537. anyone wants is for you

538. to feel out of control.

539. Oh, you'll see out of control

540. if you don't leave Dewey

541. where he belongs.

542. Believe me, you don't want

543. to mess with this family.

544. Well, maybe we'll talk about it

545. in a month or so

546. when you're feeling stronger.

547. I'll work around

548. any of your meetings.

549. I can't believe

550. the way that woman

551. talked to you!

552. I mean, sure,

553. I unsuccessfully

554. tried to keep Dewey out

555. of the Krelboyne class,

556. but she had no right

557. to do that!

558. Ah, put a cork in it.

559. And don't think

560. you're not in trouble

561. just because

562. your little plan didn't work.

563. Oh, that was just great.

564. Which kids are yours?

565. Those two.

566. You guys are totally going

567. to be my new save screen.

568. Don't let it

569. get to you, Hal.

570. Soon, they're going

571. to feel as stupid

572. as they think we look.

573. Let's rock.

574. Yeah.

575. Hey, I thought

576. we're supposed

577. to have the same costume.

578. They're almost the same.

579. Whoa!

580. Ow! Ow!

581. My ankle's twisted.

582. Once again,

583. I fly too close to the sun.

584. But we have to dance.

585. I can't, Hal.

586. But you have to go on.

587. We've worked too long

588. and too hard to stop now.

589. Go out there and win that coupon

590. for two free medium pizzas

591. for both of us.

592. I know we've had

593. our disagreements

594. over the amount

595. of time I spent doing this,

596. but I don't think

597. there's anyone else

598. I could do this with.

599. What do you say?

600. Oh, Hal...

601. I get the pizzas.

602. Okay.

603. Much applause

604. to your sparkling feet!

605. Here comes the pencil turn.

606. I can't watch.

607. On any other man

608. that would look

609. ridiculous.

610. We've lost him, Lois.

611. He belongs

612. to everyone now.

613. Mr. Sheridan,

614. why do motorcycles

615. sound different

616. when they're coming

617. than when they're

618. going away?

619. Hanson, I'm trying

620. to eat my lunch.

621. By the time

622. I explained it to you,

623. you would have forgotten

624. the question anyway.

625. I think my brother Malcolm

626. told me about that last summer.

627. "It's called the Doppler Effect,

628. Dewey.

629. "Both sound and light travel

630. at a constant speed,

631. "but their wavelengths get

632. shorter or longer

633. "depending on whether they're

634. moving towards you

635. "or away from you.

636. Now put some pants on,

637. you little freak."

638. My imaginary friends are right!

639. I am a genius!

640. So basically,

641. what it means

642. is that the sound waves

643. from a motorcycle move away

644. from it at the same speed

645. in all directions.

646. But if it's coming

647. towards you,

648. then the sound waves

649. get stacked closer

650. and closer together,

651. so the frequency goes up

652. and the sound gets higher.

653. Do you understand?

654. Yeah, I do.

655. Oh, my God!

656. I learned something.

657. I learned something!

658. I learned something!

659. I learned something!

660. I learned something!

661. Hanson...

662. I learned something!

663. Maybe you shouldn't learn things

664. if you're going

665. to be so disruptive.

666. Now sit down and be quiet.

667. Everyone who hates this,

668. follow me.

669. What are you doing?

670. Please, children, calm down!

671. Remember, quiet minds

672. are happy minds!

673. Let's say it together!

674. Quiet minds are happy minds!

675. Quiet minds are...

676. I'm so glad that contest

677. is finally behind you.

678. Yeah.

679. You know, now that

680. that's out of

681. your system,

682. I could sure use

683. a little more help with Jamie.

684. He was up all

685. night last night.

686. So if you wouldn't mind

687. taking the first shift

688. tonight, I...

689. Nod! Nod!

690. Agree! She's buying it!

691. Okay, Dewey,

692. I have a new,

693. much better plan.

694. I broke into

695. the principal's office

696. and created a second,

697. fictional Dewey,

698. who lives in another district.

699. I still have to hack

700. into the school mainframe,

701. but all you have to do

702. is pretend you're dead

703. for two days.

704. Then we're back in business.

705. That sounds great.

706. Mom, Malcolm gave me the wrong

707. answers to the Krelboyne test.

708. I've been in the emotionally

709. disturbed class for two weeks.

710. Well, I'm sure you two

711. have a lot to talk about.

712. Dewey, Dewey, guess what?

713. I finally figured out

714. what kind of genius I am.

715. There it was,

716. just staring me in the face.

717. Aw, come on, Dewey,

718. please stay awake.

719. I've got so much to show you.