Malcolm in the Middle 5x17

Directed by Steve Love

Reggie Jackson as Reggie Jackson • Craig Lamar Traylor as Stevie Kenarban • Julie Hagerty as Polly • Harley Zumbrum as Pete Bucowski • Kimberly Jackson as Kimberly Jackson

Hal sets up Abe Kenarben on a blind date with Jaime's babysitter Polly but then realizes Lois has also set her up on a blind date - with Craig. Malcolm, Dewey (with his "lucky" shirt) and Reese also meet Reggie Jackson and Francis is embarrassed by Piama in front of his co-workers.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. What are you doing?

2. Playing with ants.

3. Looking for a little picnic,

4. huh?

5. Looks like you've come

6. to the wrong place.

7. There's one on your hand.

8. Ha, ha...

9. He's got a little

10. surprise coming.

11. Stupid ant.

12. Since Stevie's mom deserted him,

13. he's been living

14. a little more dangerously.

15. Yesterday he read a book

16. in dim light.

17. Now he's making

18. his first prank phone call.

19. (British accent):

20. Hello...

21. is your... refrigerator...

22. (normal voice):

23. Yeah... it's me.

24. We have got to get tickets to

25. this baseball card convention.

26. You know who's going

27. to be there?

28. Reggie Jackson,

29. Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds

30. and Pete Bucowski.

31. Pete Bucowski!

32. Who?

33. Oh, for the...

34. Only the first Polish-American

35. lefty from the tri-county area

36. to play two complete seasons

37. in the majors.

38. And you call yourselves fans.

39. It's not in there either.

40. I can't find my lucky shirt.

41. Your what?

42. My lucky shirt.

43. The shirt that

44. gives me good luck.

45. I wear it and I'm lucky.

46. Lucky shirt.

47. You ever hear

48. anything so stupid?

49. You're asking me...

50. about luck?

51. Here it is! That's better.

52. I don't know

53. what I would've done

54. without my lucky shirt.

55. It's not a lucky shirt.

56. Hey, look.

57. An M&M.

58. Here you go, Abe.

59. Thank you so much

60. for helping us bachelors

61. with our laundry, Lois.

62. Wow, the collars are so crisp.

63. That's her signature.

64. Oh, honestly.

65. It's just a little spray starch

66. and a firm hand.

67. So, Abe, how's

68. the divorce going?

69. It's a nightmare, Hal.

70. Kitty is out of control.

71. She wears these outrageous

72. miniskirts to court,

73. flirts with the judge...

74. What did your lawyer do?

75. He asked me if she could

76. sit at our table.

77. Whoa.

78. You know, Abe,

79. it's been a while.

80. Maybe you should think about

81. getting out there again.

82. Oh, I've taken care of that.

83. I've decided to spend

84. the rest of my life

85. in misery and die alone.

86. Sorry, I was driving home and

87. knew I wouldn't make it.

88. This was the

89. nearest safe house.

90. Hot soup!

91. I'm taking Jamie to the park.

92. We're going to look

93. for butterflies

94. and talk about his birth trauma.

95. Sounds good.

96. Oh, Polly,

97. this is Abe.

98. Hi.

99. Hi.

100. Oh, my God.

101. That woman fell

102. out of the sexy tree

103. and hit every branch

104. on the way down.

105. Abe, you dog.

106. Why don't you

107. ask her out?

108. Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't.

109. To be honest, I didn't

110. even ask Kitty out.

111. My dad asked her dad,

112. and we gave her family a ham.

113. But maybe you could

114. ask her for me.

115. No. I don't

116. do that anymore.

117. My setups have a way

118. of not working out.

119. You just told me

120. I should get out there

121. and now you're

122. crushing my dreams.

123. Abe, you read about

124. the guy who woke up

125. in a tub full of ice

126. with his kidney gone?

127. One of my setups.

128. And I had a really good

129. feeling about that one.

130. Please. I need this.

131. Oh, all right.

132. But I'm warning you,

133. I have a really

134. good feeling about

135. this one, too.

136. Halftime.

137. Nighty-night.

138. Oh, if Jamie

139. has that dream again—

140. I think it's about

141. a bad teddy—

142. try and get him

143. to ride it out.

144. He's got to defeat

145. that thing.

146. Got it.

147. Oh, listen, Polly,

148. are you doing anything

149. Friday night?

150. Oh, my God,

151. I've been dreading this day.

152. This is what happened

153. on my last job.

154. Of course he told me he only

155. had six months to live.

156. And, boy, did he live.

157. No. No, no.

158. Polly, Polly...

159. I was asking for

160. my friend, Abe.

161. He was here

162. the other day.

163. Oh. Stevie's dad?

164. Yeah. Oh, he's a great guy.

165. A lot of fun, a big heart,

166. a great personality...

167. I know he's fat, Hal.

168. That wasn't...

169. Oh, no, that's okay.

170. To tell you the truth,

171. I prefer big men.

172. So have him call me.

173. All right!

174. But this should

175. not be construed

176. as a setup in any way,

177. because he was

178. going to ask you out

179. in the first place.

180. If you're gonna do

181. this, you need to

182. promise in advance

183. that you're not

184. going to stalk him

185. or run him over

186. with a car

187. or suddenly decide

188. he looks like

189. your stepbrother

190. and throw a steam

191. iron at him.

192. I drifted off, Hal,

193. but okay.

194. And after the movie

195. we took off our shoes

196. and walked barefoot

197. through the mall.

198. I tell you, Hal,

199. I feel like a new man.

200. Yesterday

201. I was watching

202. a Pepe LePew cartoon

203. and I thought,

204. "So he doesn't get the cat.

205. Is that anything to cry over?"

206. Wow. That is a real

207. breakthrough, Abe.

208. I'm definitely going

209. to see her again.

210. Well, she's here tomorrow.

211. I'll ask her...

212. No, no, I already

213. asked her out. Myself.

214. It was amazing.

215. I was like some

216. magnificent beast.

217. Now, if you'll excuse me,

218. I'm going to add

219. my own fabric softener.

220. Francis, look at

221. this Visa bill.

222. What did we say about

223. expenditures over $100?

224. I needed a new hat.

225. Give me your card.

226. Piama, this is stupid.

227. Give me your card.

228. Thanks for letting me

229. get ready here, Lois.

230. Which earrings?

231. Well, the dangly

232. are a little...

233. Oh, I was asking Jamie.

234. I'm sorry, but he's

235. really good at this.

236. Oh, you're right.

237. What was I thinking?

238. I'm so nervous.

239. This is the third date,

240. and you know what that means.

241. Well, Polly...

242. Oh, no. Not that.

243. I get that out of the way

244. on the first date.

245. Makes everyone more relaxed.

246. No, tonight we're going to do

247. tribal scarring

248. and then go to Ben and Jerry's.

249. Well, it may not be

250. our idea of romance,

251. but those two have

252. really hit it off.

253. And here I was convinced

254. setting people up

255. was a recipe for disaster.

256. I was skeptical, too,

257. but you know what?

258. I was wrong,

259. and I'm happy to admit it.

260. Hold on, lover boy.

261. She's not quite...

262. Craig?

263. Hi.

264. Is Polly ready?

265. Hi, Craig.

266. She'll be out in a minute.

267. Don't you look nice?

268. Thanks. I set my Flowbee

269. on "hot."

270. Hi.

271. Hi.

272. Mm, what is that

273. intoxicating fragrance?

274. Oh, it's Glade.

275. It suits you.

276. Have fun, you two.

277. That's not Abe.

278. No, that's Craig.

279. What about it?

280. She can't be dating Craig.

281. She's dating Abe.

282. What are you talking about?

283. I set up Abe and Polly.

284. I set up Craig and Polly.

285. All the time we've been

286. talking about Polly's date,

287. we've been talking about

288. two different people?

289. I haven't been.

290. I clearly remember saying,

291. "Overweight,

292. nearsighted, lonely,

293. lost his kitty..."

294. Oh, my God.

295. I picked up some

296. cold medicine for you.

297. I told you I'm fine.

298. You know what happens

299. when you get that scratchy

300. thing in your throat.

301. I don't need it.

302. I'm not gonna be up all

303. night with you coughing.

304. Just take it.

305. Señora.

306. Señora.

307. You have to stop

308. telling me what to do.

309. You are putting me

310. in a horrible position

311. in front of my guys, Piama,

312. and it's getting worse.

313. They're not doing the work?

314. What? No, they do

315. plenty of work.

316. Then what's the problem?

317. They're... teasing me.

318. The other boys

319. are teasing you.

320. Let me explain something

321. to you, Piama.

322. The whole macho thing is

323. very big in Mexican culture.

324. No, it's actually big

325. in every culture,

326. and I'm not buying into it

327. just because these guys

328. are acting like jerks.

329. That's a good boy.

330. I will not be mocked.

331. Do you hear me?

332. I'm not kidding!

333. I'm sorry.

334. Clean socks.

335. Yes!

336. Lucky shirt strikes again.

337. It's not a lucky shirt.

338. You shouldn't criticize things

339. you're not equipped

340. to understand, Malcolm.

341. It's a shirt.

342. It's just fabric.

343. There's nothing

344. in there but atoms.

345. Luck atoms.

346. There are no luck atoms.

347. Everyone has some kind

348. of luck, Malcolm.

349. Like you, you're lucky

350. at taking tests.

351. I bust my ass

352. to get good grades.

353. Why does my lucky shirt

354. make you so mad?

355. Because believing in

356. that kind of nonsense

357. isn't smart or healthy

358. or good for society.

359. The world doesn't work

360. by magic or superstition.

361. It's rational.

362. Maybe you believe that because

363. all you're good at is thinking,

364. and if the world

365. isn't logical

366. then you're lost.

367. Okay, fine.

368. You know what, Dewey, luck this.

369. This... proves nothing.

370. I can't believe

371. she's seeing someone else.

372. She just came right

373. out and said it

374. like it was no big deal.

375. Said she didn't want

376. to be chained down.

377. Chained down.

378. Can you believe it?

379. Yeah, I can.

380. But then I've had some time

381. to process it, Abe.

382. You told me twice last night

383. and the day before that

384. when you showed up at work.

385. I sense his presence, Hal.

386. His essence lingering.

387. Picture it, Hal.

388. I want you

389. to picture it.

390. Her lips on

391. another man's lips.

392. Not mine.

393. What's wrong

394. with my lips?

395. I wish I knew who it was.

396. If I ever find out

397. who it is

398. I will track him down to

399. his evil lair and... and...

400. I'll probably just take

401. a lot of telephoto shots

402. and start dressing

403. like him.

404. You have to have some

405. clue to his identity.

406. Think, Lois, think!

407. Craig, you're

408. driving me crazy.

409. I'm sorry.

410. You're right.

411. Absolutely right.

412. Is he rich?

413. Famous? Athletic?

414. Muscular?

415. Intellectual? Slim?

416. Is he lit from within

417. by a quiet, inner strength

418. and steely resolve?

419. It's so unfair.

420. Why does he have

421. to have my woman?

422. Oh, God...

423. it's not that hunk

424. from the calendar

425. holding the tires, is it?

426. I can't compete with that.

427. How can I compete with that?

428. Sure, I've got my joke book,

429. but that really

430. only takes me so far.

431. Why would God give me

432. a glimpse of paradise

433. just to slam the gate

434. in my face?

435. God hates me.

436. (sobbing):

437. I'm so unhappy.

438. (sobbing):

439. I'm so unhappy.

440. You have

441. to choose, Polly.

442. I can't.

443. I keep trying,

444. but it just isn't easy.

445. Honestly, Lois, as a woman,

446. could you choose

447. between Craig and Abe?

448. Well, um, thankfully,

449. I don't have to make

450. such a difficult decision.

451. But the important thing is,

452. Polly,

453. you do.

454. But it's impossible.

455. Every time I try and weigh

456. their strengths and attractions,

457. they come out even.

458. Craig has that

459. sexy self-confidence

460. and love of fantasy play,

461. and Abe is warm and kind

462. and he gets one extra point

463. because he's black.

464. He just does.

465. There, I've said it.

466. Plus this is all complicated

467. by the fact

468. that I am having the most

469. exciting time of my life

470. and never want it to end.

471. But, Polly...

472. I'm sorry. I have to go.

473. I'm meeting Craig for Laser Tag

474. and then Abe

475. at the Cheesecake Factory.

476. You know,

477. if society weren't so hung up,

478. we'd have the solution.

479. Okay, we're just

480. going to have

481. to help make

482. the decision for her.

483. You're right.

484. Can you get Abe

485. to back off?

486. What? Why Abe?

487. Why can't you get Craig

488. to back off?

489. Craig will fall apart.

490. Abe can take it.

491. He's more mature.

492. The man sleeps with

493. a night-light, Lois!

494. Eight hours, Hal!

495. For eight hours

496. I had to watch Craig

497. practice revenge faces.

498. Wait, wait, wait, wait,

499. this is crazy.

500. We shouldn't be fighting.

501. We should just stay out

502. of this whole thing.

503. You're right.

504. You're right.

505. They're both our friends.

506. One of them will screw up

507. eventually.

508. Exactly.

509. I just wish I could stop

510. picturing the sex.

511. Pete Bucowski never got

512. discouraged, even when

513. he got sent down to the minors

514. for the fifth time.

515. Let's go over there.

516. He just shrugged and grinned

517. that grin he had and said,

518. "Hey, what the hey."

519. It was like his catchphrase.

520. Look, goose bumps.

521. Great, Mom.

522. We're gonna find Reggie Jackson.

523. Okay, but don't miss

524. Pete Bucowski.

525. He's only appearing

526. at 11:30, 12:15, 1:00,

527. 2:30, 3:15,

528. 4:30 and 6:00!

529. Thanks so much

530. for inviting me.

531. I really needed something

532. to take my mind

533. off of my love life.

534. Well, that's why

535. God invented baseball.

536. And war.

537. Look, Pete will come

538. to your birthday party.

539. Be sure to turn in your

540. ticket stubs to be eligible

541. for a chance to win

542. Reggie Jackson's

543. 450th home run ball.

544. I thought they said

545. I'd be roped off.

546. I won't let you touch the ball,

547. but I will let you touch

548. my hand after my hand

549. has touched the ball.

550. Shut up, Dewey.

551. You know what?

552. If you win,

553. I will kiss Reese's butt

554. on that stage.

555. Deal. Shake.

556. No take-backs.

557. Fine.

558. Any rituals you go through

559. before a big game?

560. Come on.

561. You can talk to me.

562. What? Does it violate

563. your precious chicken code?

564. Hal, come on.

565. Guy gets too big to talk

566. to the fans who made him!

567. Hal?

568. Lois?

569. Polly?

570. What an incredible coinky-dink.

571. Hi, Craig.

572. Hi, Craig.

573. Hey, Polly, we'll take

574. Jamie for a while

575. if you two want to spend

576. some time together.

577. Mm...

578. We had an agreement.

579. How dare you, Lois!

580. Polly,

581. what an

582. unbelievable surprise.

583. Think how humiliated Abe—

584. who coincidentally

585. just arrived—

586. is going to feel.

587. Hi, Abe.

588. Hi.

589. Well, well, well. Well.

590. Polly, you remember my crippled

591. son Stevie who lost his mother?

592. I'm... needy.

593. Hey, Abe, Stevie.

594. Craig, nice to see you.

595. My golly, isn't this

596. gut-wrenching?

597. Polly, are you okay?

598. Fine. I just seem to be having

599. an out-of-body experience

600. which my shaman would be

601. very proud of,

602. except I think I'm going

603. to be falling down now.

604. Oh.

605. I got you, baby.

606. Daddy's here, angel.

607. You!

608. You!

609. Boys, please, please.

610. Now, every conflict

611. invites a dark angel

612. and an angel of light.

613. So let's summon

614. an angel of light!

615. I've waited

616. for this moment.

617. Not as much as I have.

618. How do you know

619. how much I have?

620. Abe, come on.

621. No, Hal.

622. He's made a fool of me

623. for the last time!

624. Craig, don't do this!

625. I will not stand by and let him

626. put the horns on me, Lois.

627. Oh, my God,

628. they're killing each other!

629. Oh! Ow! Oh!

630. Ow!

631. Get him... Dad!

632. Slap him... silly.

633. Had enough, Feldspar?

634. I haven't begun

635. to have enough!

636. To... have had enough.

637. Time-out!

638. Time-out!

639. Time-in!

640. Here's your tuna sandwich

641. that you wanted.

642. Thanks.

643. I just hope I got it for you

644. fast enough.

645. Because I know

646. when my man gets hungry,

647. he wants to eat

648. right away.

649. And that's my job,

650. to make my man happy.

651. Well... I hope so, too.

652. And let's just hope

653. this isn't a repeat

654. of the last time.

655. I mean, let's face it.

656. That sandwich was a joke.

657. (quietly):

658. Let's not turn a favor into

659. something that you'll regret.

660. As a matter of fact, I think

661. I would prefer this toasted.

662. And I'd like to see

663. a little garnish this time!

664. And I'd like you to think

665. about a certain special thing

666. that you love

667. that's never gonna happen again.

668. No, honey, wait! I'm sorry!

669. Hey, Reg,

670. Pete Bucowski,

671. the Polish Splinter.

672. Oh, God, I hate

673. these things.

674. All the fans

675. want a piece of you.

676. Always getting mobbed.

677. Yeah, yeah.

678. What do you want me to sign?

679. Just this ball.

680. And the 12 shirts

681. in this box.

682. Anything you want me to sign?

683. Okay, the Reggie Jackson

684. home run ball

685. will be raffled off

686. in one minute.

687. I think I'll put it

688. on the mantle.

689. Right after Malcolm

690. plants one on my butt.

691. It's a stupid bet.

692. Yeah, but if he wins,

693. you're doing it.

694. Your brother bet you

695. he'd win the ball?

696. He thinks he has a lucky shirt.

697. Lucky shirt.

698. When I was in Little League,

699. I had a pair

700. of smelly old lucky socks

701. that I wore all summer.

702. Pretty dumb, huh?

703. Yeah.

704. I hit.475

705. with 50 home runs that season.

706. Don't let him welsh, kid.

707. I won't, Reggie.

708. When Dewey wins,

709. you pucker up and I will, too.

710. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,

711. ow, ow, ow.

712. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,

713. ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

714. Stop this!

715. Then you have

716. to choose!

717. Yeah, choose!

718. Abe or me!

719. The dumpy loser

720. or the one who loves you?

721. I'm the one

722. who loves you.

723. Don't fall for

724. his smooth line!

725. I love you more!

726. Okay, okay, okay. I choose...

727. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

728. Jamie.

729. I'm sorry, but my career's

730. what's important to me.

731. You guys have been

732. a distraction.

733. An unbelievable carnal

734. delight...

735. but a distraction nonetheless.

736. Baby-sitting is the only thing

737. I'm really good at.

738. Uh, where's the baby?

739. Oh, my God! Jamie!

740. And the winner is...

741. Give me that!

742. You're not getting out

743. of kissing my butt!

744. Give me back my lucky shirt!

745. It's not a lucky shirt!

746. Shut up, Dewey.

747. Oh, my God!

748. Pete Bucowski

749. saved my baby!

750. Glad I could

751. help, ma'am.

752. Want to buy an autographed

753. Reggie Jackson shirt?

754. It isn't the jacket that smells.

755. There was a fried apple pie

756. in the pocket.

757. Thanks, Lois.

758. So where are you players headed

759. tonight?

760. The Rusty Scupper.

761. Uh-oh, we better get

762. a wiggle on, Craig.

763. Happy Hour starts

764. in 20 minutes

765. and the ladies won't wait.

766. They'll wait for you

767. in those new chinos.

768. I won't have a chance with you

769. in your leather jacket.

770. Not if they get a load

771. of your... (crying)

772. Ah, ah, ah.

773. Come on.

774. How are you going

775. to get on the scene?

776. Like a sex machine.