Malcolm in the Middle 5x16

Directed by Peter Lauer

Cole Petersen as Tony • Evan Sabara as Roger • Jamie Renée Smith as Paula • Monique Coleman as Andrea • Stephanie Lemelin as Christie

Lois tags along with Malcolm as he visits a college, but she's determined to room in the dorm Malcolm is staying in when she learns the room is co-ed. Meanwhile, after his father denies him a piano, Dewey begins stealing objects from around the house to amuse himself and to drive Hal crazy. Reese meets a girl, who he thinks is a narc, and he pretends he is a dealer, unaware that she is really an undercover cop.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. No more junk food.

2. From now on we are going to be

3. a family that eats healthy.

4. Brownie? Mmm.

5. I have my first

6. college visit coming up.

7. I get to stay overnight

8. in a dorm, tour the campus

9. and spend 18 hours pretending

10. my family doesn't exist.

11. I actually skipped all the way

12. to school today.

13. I probably should've stopped

14. once I passed the football

15. field, but who cares?

16. My body may have been stuffed

17. in a trash can,

18. but my mind was taking a shower

19. with a college chick.

20. Come on,

21. there's tons of reasons

22. to go out with

23. a guy like me.

24. To make your dad mad,

25. or your boyfriend jealous.

26. Maybe you just hate yourself,

27. or have a sick curiosity.

28. I don't know!

29. I can't do all the work for you!

30. I thought I at least I had

31. a chance with the fat ride.

32. Did you actually

33. call her that?

34. Hey, I didn't make her fat.

35. Who is that?

36. That's Christie.

37. She's the new narc.

38. We have a new narc?

39. What happened

40. to Druggie Dougie?

41. He got served divorce papers

42. in history class.

43. Aw, come on, she's so cute.

44. She's a narc?

45. Hey, papers?

46. Anyone got papers?

47. Hey, papers?

48. Anybody got papers?

49. Do you even know anyone

50. who does drugs?

51. Why are you asking me?

52. I don't have any friends.

53. But sometimes,

54. I do have brilliant ideas.

55. Where are you going?

56. Malcolm, I live in a world

57. of what the hells.

58. Ooh...

59. Oh, man, I am so...

60. Never mind.

61. You can't do this to me!

62. Dad's supposed to take me,

63. not you!

64. Malcolm, this is your first

65. visit to a university.

66. Your father and I talked it

67. over and we both agreed.

68. This is a big deal, we

69. don't want to blow it.

70. If I come along,

71. I can make sure

72. that you don't say or do

73. anything that you shouldn't.

74. I can take a little

75. of the pressure off you.

76. Wait a second.

77. You guys are talking about

78. college for Malcolm and not me?

79. I'm a year older than he is.

80. Why aren't you taking me

81. to look at colleges?

82. Well, son...

83. I'm just screwing with you.

84. Relax.

85. Dewey, dinner.

86. I guess he'll eat it cold again.

87. (piano playing

88. Offenbach's "The Can-Can")

89. What the hell

90. are you doing back here?

91. The pianos are for

92. paying customers only!

93. You're wearing out the keys!

94. Hey!

95. I'm not going

96. to buy you a piano.

97. You've never even had lessons.

98. I don't need lessons.

99. I already know how to play.

100. I'm great. Look.

101. That's very cute, Dewey,

102. but we can't afford a piano.

103. Do you know how close my company

104. is to going out of business?

105. They're selling our

106. office furniture

107. and forcing us

108. to have desk buddies.

109. Dad, you don't know me

110. very well,

111. but you couldn't have missed

112. the fact

113. that I'm having

114. a horrible childhood.

115. Now there's a chance

116. for you to make it suck

117. a little less.

118. I said no.

119. End of discussion.

120. Now you're just going

121. to have to find

122. some other way

123. to amuse yourself.

124. I don't understand it.

125. I told all of the guests

126. about my Hayride for Lovers

127. on Friday night,

128. and no one signed up.

129. Well, most of the guests

130. have children.

131. They can't just abandon them

132. to go on

133. a couples-only hayride.

134. We're only allowing couples.

135. Ah, well, then there—

136. there is the solution.

137. We will start

138. a child-care center.

139. Ooh, Otto, I don't think...

140. It will be wonderful.

141. We will have posture contests,

142. and I can show them slides

143. of my childhood

144. in postwar Germany.

145. They will love it.

146. Otto, as great as that idea is,

147. I wouldn't set my heart on it.

148. These people came here to spend

149. time with their families.

150. They're not just going to dump

151. their children

152. the first chance they get.

153. Can we leave them overnight?

154. and the delivery's

155. on time? Good.

156. I've got a lot of

157. hungry customers.

158. Oh, hey, Christie,

159. I didn't see you.

160. Are you ready?

161. I think you're going to be

162. pleasantly surprised

163. by how much ice cream I can eat.

164. Look, Reese, um,

165. you know, we got coffee,

166. and we saw a movie,

167. and we went skating.

168. I thought hanging out with you

169. would involve a little more...

170. partying.

171. Don't you have like

172. a friend

173. or maybe

174. someone you know of

175. or someone you heard rumors

176. about that could help us out?

177. Hey, I got to trust somebody

178. before I party with them.

179. You trust me, don't you?

180. Not yet, but there must be

181. some way a hot girl like you

182. can get a desperate guy

183. like me to trust you.

184. Hey, why don't we go

185. park by the river

186. and see if we can

187. think of something.

188. I hope you weren't hunched over

189. like that during your interview.

190. Why didn't you tell him about

191. your extracurricular activities?

192. How do you even know

193. what I said?

194. Did you have your ear pressed up

195. against the door?

196. You should be a little less

197. concerned about what I did

198. and a little bit more concerned

199. about your own performance.

200. And next time say "bless you"

201. when he sneezes.

202. These people are looking for

203. any excuse not to like you.

204. All right, 230.

205. You walked me to my dorm room,

206. you chose my lunch,

207. you tucked in my shirt in

208. the middle of orientation.

209. Now will you

210. please just leave?

211. Why are you in such a hurry

212. to get rid of me?

213. Because I'm supposed to be doing

214. this stuff on my own.

215. I'm just here to make sure you

216. do it on your own the right way.

217. Hi. Are you Malcolm?

218. Yeah.

219. I'm Paula. And this

220. is Andrea and Scott.

221. I guess we're all going

222. to be roommates tonight.

223. Cool. Well,

224. I'll put my bags, uh...

225. Excuse me. You mean

226. you boys and you girls

227. are staying

228. in the same room?

229. Yeah. It'll be just like

230. really being in college.

231. There. Now we'll all have

232. the same version

233. of what happened here.

234. That's exactly

235. what I would have done, Lois.

236. Yep. Camped out in the room.

237. You didn't happen to take

238. the oven timer, did you?

239. I can't understand this...

240. All week stuff has been

241. disappearing

242. right from under my nose.

243. It's like I put something down,

244. and then it's just gone.

245. No, it's not even anything

246. worth stealing.

247. It's as if someone is trying

248. to make me crazy on purpose.

249. You're probably right.

250. I love you, too. Bye.

251. What the...?

252. Can I please have

253. some more lemonade?

254. What a wonderfully polite

255. little boy.

256. Please, take a sewing kit

257. und a small moisturizer.

258. Otto, none of the parents

259. showed up for the hayride.

260. Their kids are here.

261. It's so weird.

262. Nobody's answering their phones,

263. so I went by all their rooms.

264. They all have

265. Do Not Disturb...

266. Oh.

267. I guess I better go get

268. a pep talk ready

269. for housekeeping

270. in the morning.

271. (music playing,

272. talking low, indistinctly)

273. Mom, what are you doing

274. with my underwear?

275. You had it all crammed

276. up there in the corner.

277. Wrinkled clothes

278. are the sign of a

279. disorganized mind.

280. So then I took a guided tour

281. of the Plaza de Espana

282. in Barthelona.

283. I'm not mispronouncing it.

284. That's the way they say it.

285. Barthelona.

286. That is so interesting.

287. I wish I was

288. more interesting.

289. Do you think it would be

290. pretentious to use

291. the word "legerdemain" into a

292. conversation with the dean?

293. What am I saying?

294. Of course it's pretentious.

295. I'm such a lackwit.

296. Relax. If you can't be

297. pretentious in college,

298. where can you be pretentious?

299. Really? So when

300. I get to college

301. it'd be okay if I

302. called myself Antigone?

303. Of course.

304. All right, kid, here's the deal,

305. my name is Leland.

306. More importantly,

307. I'm the RA,

308. which stands for

309. Resident Advisor,

310. which means I'm in charge

311. of this floor.

312. So you're going to have

313. to keep the music down.

314. Is it really that loud?

315. Listen, guy,

316. I can either be your best friend

317. or your worst nightmare.

318. Now turn the radio down.

319. Is there a problem here?

320. Who are you?

321. I'm his mother.

322. I'm supervising these kids

323. in this coed room

324. which I cannot believe

325. your school condones.

326. You know, ma'am,

327. that's not what I'm here about.

328. That radio is at least five dBs

329. above the approved noise level.

330. I'd hate to have

331. to confiscate it

332. or move on to more

333. serious consequences.

334. You know what, Leland?

335. I've been to college.

336. I know exactly

337. how much power

338. and authority an RA has.

339. Good night.

340. Wow.

341. Malcolm, your mom

342. is awesome.

343. I am so glad

344. you brought her.

345. This horn's from Dad's van,

346. and this one's

347. from Mom's car

348. and this one's

349. from the ice cream truck.

350. Dewey. What are you doing?

351. The spout fell down.

352. I'm fixing it.

353. Good boy.

354. Listen, I talked

355. with Mrs. Hittelman down

356. the block and she said

357. that if you want,

358. you can use her piano.

359. Thanks anyway, Dad, but I found

360. something else to amuse myself.

361. Oh. Well, good.

362. Hey, have you

363. seen my hair dryer?

364. I swear, it's like stuff is just

365. getting up and walking off.

366. Either that

367. or someone's

368. messing with me.

369. Dad, I think I figured out

370. what's going on.

371. Somebody's sneaking

372. into the house

373. and stealing stuff.

374. Probably punks.

375. No, not punks, son.

376. Just good kids

377. who got lost along the way.

378. Either way, they're going down.

379. And then the priest said,

380. "Those aren't my galoshes."

381. Mom is actually

382. letting me walk all the way

383. to the vending machine and back

384. without tying

385. a string to my waist.

386. Ha.

387. This moment is almost as sweet

388. as the candy you can't have.

389. Wow. Denied candy.

390. If I were 12

391. years younger,

392. I guess I'd cry.

393. What's going on out here?

394. Oh, God, no.

395. The snack bar is closed.

396. You're denying

397. my son candy?

398. Mom, it doesn't matter.

399. I'll just go down

400. to the next floor.

401. Use of the vending machine

402. is a privilege, not a right.

403. If my son wants

404. a candy bar,

405. he can have a candy bar.

406. You don't get to decide for him.

407. I get to decide.

408. Do I even need

409. to be here for this?

410. Since I'm the one

411. with the key to the lock,

412. I think I'm in charge.

413. Come on.

414. This isn't over yet.

415. Mom, why don't you

416. just put me

417. in a diaper?

418. One thing at

419. a time, Malcolm.

420. First, we're going to

421. get you that candy.

422. and my parents

423. they just drive me crazy.

424. I just need to ditch reality

425. and escape sometimes.

426. You know what I mean?

427. Look, Christie,

428. here's the thing.

429. When I first met you,

430. I was just messing around,

431. but we've gotten

432. so close that now...

433. I really like you.

434. I can't keep this up anymore.

435. What do you mean?

436. I'm not the person

437. you think I am.

438. I've been pretending

439. since the day I met you.

440. It's so hard having

441. to constantly cover my tracks

442. to keep my story straight,

443. and I don't want to anymore.

444. I'm tired of living this lie.

445. Reese, I think I

446. know your secret.

447. No, actually, you don't,

448. but it doesn't matter

449. 'cause I'm done with it.

450. I'm sorry.

451. Did you get all that?

452. Yeah, it looks like

453. he's going straight.

454. So if we're going to bust

455. this kid, we better do it now.

456. All Malcolm wanted

457. was a candy bar,

458. but Leland put a lock

459. on the vending machine.

460. We can't let him get

461. away with this.

462. I want to go on record:

463. I hated him first.

464. This would never

465. happen in Barthelona.

466. Why are Americans

467. so immature?

468. Why don't you just write

469. an angry note

470. or-or a missive

471. after I get accepted?

472. Look, Scott, you'll face

473. jerks and tyrants

474. like Leland all your life.

475. The sooner you learn how

476. to deal with them, the better.

477. And no one's chances

478. of getting into this school

479. are going to be affected.

480. He is going to

481. hand over that key.

482. How?

483. I don't know yet,

484. but there are plenty of ways

485. to force people

486. to do what you want.

487. You can find something

488. incriminating in their room.

489. You can get dirt

490. from a bitter ex,

491. or you can make

492. a blanket accusation

493. with absolute

494. conviction

495. and just wait for them

496. to blurt out something.

497. Wait.

498. You use that trick

499. on me all the time.

500. No, sweetie, that's

501. a different thing entirely.

502. We've gotta get

503. Malcolm some candy.

504. Well, I guess I'll be cool

505. and popular after college.

506. Dewey?

507. Dad! In here!

508. Quick!

509. What is it?

510. I just saw someone

511. sneak out with Mom's robe.

512. Good eye, son.

513. Halt!

514. Halt, you damn punks!

515. Everything is fine.

516. Nothing in here

517. but children enjoying

518. themselves dancing

519. and skipping like

520. young lambs.

521. Come again soon.

522. Otto, it's Francis.

523. I have the DVDs. Let me in.

524. We have a

525. slight problem.

526. You know how I

527. wanted everything

528. to be special

529. for the children.

530. So I went to the store

531. and I got those cookies

532. and then I saw this

533. old-fashioned hard lemonade,

534. I bought three cases.

535. Hard lemonade?

536. That has alcohol in it.

537. Yes, Francis, I said

538. there was a problem.

539. Who lives in a pineapple

540. under the sea?

541. I do. I do.

542. Don't tell me to

543. use my indoor voice.

544. Why don't you use

545. your indoor voice?

546. I'm not just

547. saying it, man.

548. We should totally

549. have a play date.

550. Oh, my God.

551. These parents trusted me

552. with their little ones

553. und I've poisoned them.

554. What kind of a monster am I?

555. Otto, you made an

556. honest mistake,

557. but everything's

558. gonna be okay.

559. As long as the kids are

560. in here, they're safe.

561. Oh!

562. Well,

563. it's a little early for

564. Christmas carols, isn't it?

565. Leland, I think we got off

566. on the wrong foot earlier.

567. Obviously, this job

568. is very important to you.

569. Who knows where you

570. could find another

571. that commands respect and power.

572. You know, it would

573. be such a shame

574. if somehow you got fired

575. and had to go back home

576. where your older

577. brother and sister

578. get all the attention

579. that you deserve.

580. Do you really want to risk that

581. for a 75-cent candy bar?

582. You really have me pegged—

583. Except for what you're

584. forgetting is—

585. the lower the stakes,

586. the greater the thrill

587. from the arbitrary

588. exercise of power.

589. If this were a one-cent candy

590. bar, I'd be on the moon.

591. I happen to be

592. a control freak.

593. If you get me fired,

594. I'll just

595. find some other job

596. where I can be a control freak.

597. Kinko's is looking

598. for a night manager.

599. Either way,

600. I've already written

601. negative-evaluation

602. e-mails of these kids

603. to the Office

604. of Admissions.

605. All I have to do

606. is hit "Send."

607. She overloaded

608. a wall socket, too!

609. We're just like

610. the bulls in Pamplona.

611. Now, you.

612. Any freshman Psych major

613. can see it's obvious

614. life didn't pan out the way

615. you thought it would,

616. so now to make up for it,

617. you have to run your kid's life.

618. I don't know who

619. to root for.

620. The simple truth is,

621. you're just

622. too afraid to let go

623. of the one thing in your life

624. that may be a success.

625. But, hey, you don't have

626. to take my word for it.

627. Why don't we just ask

628. the other mothers here

629. and see what they think?

630. Oh, that's right.

631. There are no other mothers here.

632. You just cost this floor

633. their electricity privileges.

634. Mom?

635. I can't do this.

636. What?

637. I wanted to help you,

638. to take care

639. of things for you,

640. but you know what?

641. I'm just not up to it.

642. I think you should

643. do this on your own.

644. What?

645. It's time for me

646. to step aside

647. and let you handle things.

648. Malcolm, I know

649. you can do this.

650. Unless I missed the sarcasm,

651. I think she meant that.

652. I've actually been given

653. permission to run my own life.

654. Well, at least

655. get my own candy bar.

656. But you know what?

657. I want that candy bar more

658. than I want my next breath.

659. I have a plan.

660. Malcolm, what

661. are you doing?

662. My plan.

663. Well, get your foot

664. out of the door.

665. It's stuck.

666. By the way, our Madrigal group

667. is having a sing-off

668. against Jazzmatazz tomorrow.

669. You should check it out

670. before you leave.

671. All right, Jamie,

672. this'll put a stop

673. to all the stealing.

674. And your father is

675. a reasonable man,

676. but sometimes

677. even he can be pushed too far.

678. You don't poke the bear.

679. Police! Nobody move!

680. We have a warrant

681. to search these premises

682. on suspicion of

683. possession of narcotics.

684. Nice.

685. Narcotics?

686. What are you... (shrieks)

687. Sir, we need you

688. to just remain calm,

689. and we'll get through this

690. as quickly as possible.

691. Weren't you Annie Oakley

692. in the school play?

693. Yeah, but I wasn't very good.

694. (Offenbach's

695. "The Can-Can" plays)

696. My stuff!

697. Oh, my God.

698. All this time, you were just

699. using me to get to my dad?

700. And all this time

701. you were selling drugs,

702. and you never even

703. bought us a DVD player?

704. Get him out of here.

705. Hey, doctor man,

706. it must be great

707. saving people all day.

708. What do I do?

709. Play kickball.

710. They're going to have

711. some spectacular headaches,

712. but, uh,

713. otherwise they'll be fine.

714. That is good news.

715. Thank you

716. for coming out here, Doctor.

717. I don't say anything about this,

718. you don't say anything

719. about the keys

720. I left in your gallbladder.

721. Deal.

722. So what are we going to do

723. about the parents?

724. Come on, honey, it's time

725. to go back to the room

726. with your wonderful,

727. wonderful father.

728. Thank you so much.

729. You saved our marriage.

730. I almost forgot

731. she was a woman.

732. Let's go, son.

733. Whoa, Dad.

734. You want to turn

735. the volume down?

736. It's not a total loss.

737. When they took the door

738. off the hinges,

739. they discovered

740. Leland had a hot plate.

741. We all got to watch

742. while they made him unplug it

743. and put it in the closet.

744. Don't you worry

745. about it, honey.

746. Just be glad

747. this was our safety school.

748. When we go to Yale,

749. I promise I'll be

750. much more on top of things.