1. No more junk food.
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2. From now on we are going to be
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3. a family that eats healthy.
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4. Brownie? Mmm.
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5. I have my first
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6. college visit coming up.
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7. I get to stay overnight
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8. in a dorm, tour the campus
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9. and spend 18 hours pretending
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10. my family doesn't exist.
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11. I actually skipped all the way
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12. to school today.
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13. I probably should've stopped
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14. once I passed the football
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15. field, but who cares?
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16. My body may have been stuffed
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17. in a trash can,
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18. but my mind was taking a shower
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19. with a college chick.
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20. Come on,
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21. there's tons of reasons
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22. to go out with
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23. a guy like me.
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24. To make your dad mad,
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25. or your boyfriend jealous.
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26. Maybe you just hate yourself,
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27. or have a sick curiosity.
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28. I don't know!
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29. I can't do all the work for you!
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30. I thought I at least I had
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31. a chance with the fat ride.
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32. Did you actually
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33. call her that?
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34. Hey, I didn't make her fat.
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35. Who is that?
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36. That's Christie.
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37. She's the new narc.
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38. We have a new narc?
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39. What happened
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40. to Druggie Dougie?
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41. He got served divorce papers
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42. in history class.
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43. Aw, come on, she's so cute.
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44. She's a narc?
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45. Hey, papers?
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46. Anyone got papers?
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47. Hey, papers?
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48. Anybody got papers?
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49. Do you even know anyone
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50. who does drugs?
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51. Why are you asking me?
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52. I don't have any friends.
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53. But sometimes,
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54. I do have brilliant ideas.
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55. Where are you going?
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56. Malcolm, I live in a world
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57. of what the hells.
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58. Ooh...
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59. Oh, man, I am so...
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60. Never mind.
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61. You can't do this to me!
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62. Dad's supposed to take me,
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63. not you!
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64. Malcolm, this is your first
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65. visit to a university.
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66. Your father and I talked it
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67. over and we both agreed.
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68. This is a big deal, we
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69. don't want to blow it.
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70. If I come along,
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71. I can make sure
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72. that you don't say or do
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73. anything that you shouldn't.
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74. I can take a little
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75. of the pressure off you.
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76. Wait a second.
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77. You guys are talking about
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78. college for Malcolm and not me?
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79. I'm a year older than he is.
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80. Why aren't you taking me
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81. to look at colleges?
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82. Well, son...
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83. I'm just screwing with you.
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84. Relax.
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85. Dewey, dinner.
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86. I guess he'll eat it cold again.
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87. (piano playing
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88. Offenbach's "The Can-Can")
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89. What the hell
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90. are you doing back here?
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91. The pianos are for
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92. paying customers only!
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93. You're wearing out the keys!
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94. Hey!
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95. I'm not going
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96. to buy you a piano.
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97. You've never even had lessons.
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98. I don't need lessons.
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99. I already know how to play.
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100. I'm great. Look.
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101. That's very cute, Dewey,
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102. but we can't afford a piano.
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103. Do you know how close my company
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104. is to going out of business?
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105. They're selling our
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106. office furniture
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107. and forcing us
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108. to have desk buddies.
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109. Dad, you don't know me
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110. very well,
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111. but you couldn't have missed
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112. the fact
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113. that I'm having
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114. a horrible childhood.
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115. Now there's a chance
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116. for you to make it suck
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117. a little less.
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118. I said no.
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119. End of discussion.
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120. Now you're just going
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121. to have to find
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122. some other way
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123. to amuse yourself.
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124. I don't understand it.
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125. I told all of the guests
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126. about my Hayride for Lovers
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127. on Friday night,
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128. and no one signed up.
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129. Well, most of the guests
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130. have children.
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131. They can't just abandon them
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132. to go on
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133. a couples-only hayride.
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134. We're only allowing couples.
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135. Ah, well, then there—
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136. there is the solution.
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137. We will start
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138. a child-care center.
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139. Ooh, Otto, I don't think...
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140. It will be wonderful.
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141. We will have posture contests,
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142. and I can show them slides
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143. of my childhood
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144. in postwar Germany.
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145. They will love it.
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146. Otto, as great as that idea is,
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147. I wouldn't set my heart on it.
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148. These people came here to spend
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149. time with their families.
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150. They're not just going to dump
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151. their children
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152. the first chance they get.
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153. Can we leave them overnight?
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154. and the delivery's
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155. on time? Good.
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156. I've got a lot of
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157. hungry customers.
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158. Oh, hey, Christie,
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159. I didn't see you.
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160. Are you ready?
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161. I think you're going to be
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162. pleasantly surprised
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163. by how much ice cream I can eat.
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164. Look, Reese, um,
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165. you know, we got coffee,
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166. and we saw a movie,
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167. and we went skating.
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168. I thought hanging out with you
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169. would involve a little more...
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170. partying.
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171. Don't you have like
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172. a friend
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173. or maybe
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174. someone you know of
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175. or someone you heard rumors
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176. about that could help us out?
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177. Hey, I got to trust somebody
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178. before I party with them.
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179. You trust me, don't you?
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180. Not yet, but there must be
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181. some way a hot girl like you
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182. can get a desperate guy
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183. like me to trust you.
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184. Hey, why don't we go
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185. park by the river
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186. and see if we can
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187. think of something.
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188. I hope you weren't hunched over
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189. like that during your interview.
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190. Why didn't you tell him about
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191. your extracurricular activities?
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192. How do you even know
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193. what I said?
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194. Did you have your ear pressed up
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195. against the door?
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196. You should be a little less
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197. concerned about what I did
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198. and a little bit more concerned
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199. about your own performance.
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200. And next time say "bless you"
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201. when he sneezes.
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202. These people are looking for
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203. any excuse not to like you.
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204. All right, 230.
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205. You walked me to my dorm room,
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206. you chose my lunch,
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207. you tucked in my shirt in
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208. the middle of orientation.
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209. Now will you
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210. please just leave?
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211. Why are you in such a hurry
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212. to get rid of me?
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213. Because I'm supposed to be doing
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214. this stuff on my own.
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215. I'm just here to make sure you
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216. do it on your own the right way.
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217. Hi. Are you Malcolm?
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218. Yeah.
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219. I'm Paula. And this
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220. is Andrea and Scott.
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221. I guess we're all going
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222. to be roommates tonight.
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223. Cool. Well,
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224. I'll put my bags, uh...
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225. Excuse me. You mean
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226. you boys and you girls
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227. are staying
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228. in the same room?
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229. Yeah. It'll be just like
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230. really being in college.
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231. There. Now we'll all have
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232. the same version
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233. of what happened here.
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234. That's exactly
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235. what I would have done, Lois.
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236. Yep. Camped out in the room.
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237. You didn't happen to take
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238. the oven timer, did you?
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239. I can't understand this...
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240. All week stuff has been
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241. disappearing
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242. right from under my nose.
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243. It's like I put something down,
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244. and then it's just gone.
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245. No, it's not even anything
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246. worth stealing.
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247. It's as if someone is trying
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248. to make me crazy on purpose.
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249. You're probably right.
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250. I love you, too. Bye.
Copy !req
251. What the...?
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252. Can I please have
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253. some more lemonade?
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254. What a wonderfully polite
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255. little boy.
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256. Please, take a sewing kit
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257. und a small moisturizer.
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258. Otto, none of the parents
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259. showed up for the hayride.
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260. Their kids are here.
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261. It's so weird.
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262. Nobody's answering their phones,
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263. so I went by all their rooms.
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264. They all have
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265. Do Not Disturb...
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266. Oh.
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267. I guess I better go get
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268. a pep talk ready
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269. for housekeeping
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270. in the morning.
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271. (music playing,
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272. talking low, indistinctly)
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273. Mom, what are you doing
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274. with my underwear?
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275. You had it all crammed
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276. up there in the corner.
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277. Wrinkled clothes
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278. are the sign of a
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279. disorganized mind.
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280. So then I took a guided tour
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281. of the Plaza de Espana
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282. in Barthelona.
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283. I'm not mispronouncing it.
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284. That's the way they say it.
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285. Barthelona.
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286. That is so interesting.
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287. I wish I was
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288. more interesting.
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289. Do you think it would be
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290. pretentious to use
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291. the word "legerdemain" into a
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292. conversation with the dean?
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293. What am I saying?
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294. Of course it's pretentious.
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295. I'm such a lackwit.
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296. Relax. If you can't be
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297. pretentious in college,
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298. where can you be pretentious?
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299. Really? So when
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300. I get to college
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301. it'd be okay if I
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302. called myself Antigone?
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303. Of course.
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304. All right, kid, here's the deal,
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305. my name is Leland.
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306. More importantly,
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307. I'm the RA,
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308. which stands for
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309. Resident Advisor,
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310. which means I'm in charge
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311. of this floor.
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312. So you're going to have
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313. to keep the music down.
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314. Is it really that loud?
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315. Listen, guy,
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316. I can either be your best friend
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317. or your worst nightmare.
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318. Now turn the radio down.
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319. Is there a problem here?
Copy !req
320. Who are you?
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321. I'm his mother.
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322. I'm supervising these kids
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323. in this coed room
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324. which I cannot believe
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325. your school condones.
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326. You know, ma'am,
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327. that's not what I'm here about.
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328. That radio is at least five dBs
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329. above the approved noise level.
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330. I'd hate to have
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331. to confiscate it
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332. or move on to more
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333. serious consequences.
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334. You know what, Leland?
Copy !req
335. I've been to college.
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336. I know exactly
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337. how much power
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338. and authority an RA has.
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339. Good night.
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340. Wow.
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341. Malcolm, your mom
Copy !req
342. is awesome.
Copy !req
343. I am so glad
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344. you brought her.
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345. This horn's from Dad's van,
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346. and this one's
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347. from Mom's car
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348. and this one's
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349. from the ice cream truck.
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350. Dewey. What are you doing?
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351. The spout fell down.
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352. I'm fixing it.
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353. Good boy.
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354. Listen, I talked
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355. with Mrs. Hittelman down
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356. the block and she said
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357. that if you want,
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358. you can use her piano.
Copy !req
359. Thanks anyway, Dad, but I found
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360. something else to amuse myself.
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361. Oh. Well, good.
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362. Hey, have you
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363. seen my hair dryer?
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364. I swear, it's like stuff is just
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365. getting up and walking off.
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366. Either that
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367. or someone's
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368. messing with me.
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369. Dad, I think I figured out
Copy !req
370. what's going on.
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371. Somebody's sneaking
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372. into the house
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373. and stealing stuff.
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374. Probably punks.
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375. No, not punks, son.
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376. Just good kids
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377. who got lost along the way.
Copy !req
378. Either way, they're going down.
Copy !req
379. And then the priest said,
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380. "Those aren't my galoshes."
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381. Mom is actually
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382. letting me walk all the way
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383. to the vending machine and back
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384. without tying
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385. a string to my waist.
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386. Ha.
Copy !req
387. This moment is almost as sweet
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388. as the candy you can't have.
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389. Wow. Denied candy.
Copy !req
390. If I were 12
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391. years younger,
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392. I guess I'd cry.
Copy !req
393. What's going on out here?
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394. Oh, God, no.
Copy !req
395. The snack bar is closed.
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396. You're denying
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397. my son candy?
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398. Mom, it doesn't matter.
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399. I'll just go down
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400. to the next floor.
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401. Use of the vending machine
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402. is a privilege, not a right.
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403. If my son wants
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404. a candy bar,
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405. he can have a candy bar.
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406. You don't get to decide for him.
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407. I get to decide.
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408. Do I even need
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409. to be here for this?
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410. Since I'm the one
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411. with the key to the lock,
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412. I think I'm in charge.
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413. Come on.
Copy !req
414. This isn't over yet.
Copy !req
415. Mom, why don't you
Copy !req
416. just put me
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417. in a diaper?
Copy !req
418. One thing at
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419. a time, Malcolm.
Copy !req
420. First, we're going to
Copy !req
421. get you that candy.
Copy !req
422. and my parents
Copy !req
423. they just drive me crazy.
Copy !req
424. I just need to ditch reality
Copy !req
425. and escape sometimes.
Copy !req
426. You know what I mean?
Copy !req
427. Look, Christie,
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428. here's the thing.
Copy !req
429. When I first met you,
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430. I was just messing around,
Copy !req
431. but we've gotten
Copy !req
432. so close that now...
Copy !req
433. I really like you.
Copy !req
434. I can't keep this up anymore.
Copy !req
435. What do you mean?
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436. I'm not the person
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437. you think I am.
Copy !req
438. I've been pretending
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439. since the day I met you.
Copy !req
440. It's so hard having
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441. to constantly cover my tracks
Copy !req
442. to keep my story straight,
Copy !req
443. and I don't want to anymore.
Copy !req
444. I'm tired of living this lie.
Copy !req
445. Reese, I think I
Copy !req
446. know your secret.
Copy !req
447. No, actually, you don't,
Copy !req
448. but it doesn't matter
Copy !req
449. 'cause I'm done with it.
Copy !req
450. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
451. Did you get all that?
Copy !req
452. Yeah, it looks like
Copy !req
453. he's going straight.
Copy !req
454. So if we're going to bust
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455. this kid, we better do it now.
Copy !req
456. All Malcolm wanted
Copy !req
457. was a candy bar,
Copy !req
458. but Leland put a lock
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459. on the vending machine.
Copy !req
460. We can't let him get
Copy !req
461. away with this.
Copy !req
462. I want to go on record:
Copy !req
463. I hated him first.
Copy !req
464. This would never
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465. happen in Barthelona.
Copy !req
466. Why are Americans
Copy !req
467. so immature?
Copy !req
468. Why don't you just write
Copy !req
469. an angry note
Copy !req
470. or-or a missive
Copy !req
471. after I get accepted?
Copy !req
472. Look, Scott, you'll face
Copy !req
473. jerks and tyrants
Copy !req
474. like Leland all your life.
Copy !req
475. The sooner you learn how
Copy !req
476. to deal with them, the better.
Copy !req
477. And no one's chances
Copy !req
478. of getting into this school
Copy !req
479. are going to be affected.
Copy !req
480. He is going to
Copy !req
481. hand over that key.
Copy !req
482. How?
Copy !req
483. I don't know yet,
Copy !req
484. but there are plenty of ways
Copy !req
485. to force people
Copy !req
486. to do what you want.
Copy !req
487. You can find something
Copy !req
488. incriminating in their room.
Copy !req
489. You can get dirt
Copy !req
490. from a bitter ex,
Copy !req
491. or you can make
Copy !req
492. a blanket accusation
Copy !req
493. with absolute
Copy !req
494. conviction
Copy !req
495. and just wait for them
Copy !req
496. to blurt out something.
Copy !req
497. Wait.
Copy !req
498. You use that trick
Copy !req
499. on me all the time.
Copy !req
500. No, sweetie, that's
Copy !req
501. a different thing entirely.
Copy !req
502. We've gotta get
Copy !req
503. Malcolm some candy.
Copy !req
504. Well, I guess I'll be cool
Copy !req
505. and popular after college.
Copy !req
506. Dewey?
Copy !req
507. Dad! In here!
Copy !req
508. Quick!
Copy !req
509. What is it?
Copy !req
510. I just saw someone
Copy !req
511. sneak out with Mom's robe.
Copy !req
512. Good eye, son.
Copy !req
513. Halt!
Copy !req
514. Halt, you damn punks!
Copy !req
515. Everything is fine.
Copy !req
516. Nothing in here
Copy !req
517. but children enjoying
Copy !req
518. themselves dancing
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519. and skipping like
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520. young lambs.
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521. Come again soon.
Copy !req
522. Otto, it's Francis.
Copy !req
523. I have the DVDs. Let me in.
Copy !req
524. We have a
Copy !req
525. slight problem.
Copy !req
526. You know how I
Copy !req
527. wanted everything
Copy !req
528. to be special
Copy !req
529. for the children.
Copy !req
530. So I went to the store
Copy !req
531. and I got those cookies
Copy !req
532. and then I saw this
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533. old-fashioned hard lemonade,
Copy !req
534. I bought three cases.
Copy !req
535. Hard lemonade?
Copy !req
536. That has alcohol in it.
Copy !req
537. Yes, Francis, I said
Copy !req
538. there was a problem.
Copy !req
539. Who lives in a pineapple
Copy !req
540. under the sea?
Copy !req
541. I do. I do.
Copy !req
542. Don't tell me to
Copy !req
543. use my indoor voice.
Copy !req
544. Why don't you use
Copy !req
545. your indoor voice?
Copy !req
546. I'm not just
Copy !req
547. saying it, man.
Copy !req
548. We should totally
Copy !req
549. have a play date.
Copy !req
550. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
551. These parents trusted me
Copy !req
552. with their little ones
Copy !req
553. und I've poisoned them.
Copy !req
554. What kind of a monster am I?
Copy !req
555. Otto, you made an
Copy !req
556. honest mistake,
Copy !req
557. but everything's
Copy !req
558. gonna be okay.
Copy !req
559. As long as the kids are
Copy !req
560. in here, they're safe.
Copy !req
561. Oh!
Copy !req
562. Well,
Copy !req
563. it's a little early for
Copy !req
564. Christmas carols, isn't it?
Copy !req
565. Leland, I think we got off
Copy !req
566. on the wrong foot earlier.
Copy !req
567. Obviously, this job
Copy !req
568. is very important to you.
Copy !req
569. Who knows where you
Copy !req
570. could find another
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571. that commands respect and power.
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572. You know, it would
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573. be such a shame
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574. if somehow you got fired
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575. and had to go back home
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576. where your older
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577. brother and sister
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578. get all the attention
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579. that you deserve.
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580. Do you really want to risk that
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581. for a 75-cent candy bar?
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582. You really have me pegged—
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583. Except for what you're
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584. forgetting is—
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585. the lower the stakes,
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586. the greater the thrill
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587. from the arbitrary
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588. exercise of power.
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589. If this were a one-cent candy
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590. bar, I'd be on the moon.
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591. I happen to be
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592. a control freak.
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593. If you get me fired,
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594. I'll just
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595. find some other job
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596. where I can be a control freak.
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597. Kinko's is looking
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598. for a night manager.
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599. Either way,
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600. I've already written
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601. negative-evaluation
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602. e-mails of these kids
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603. to the Office
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604. of Admissions.
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605. All I have to do
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606. is hit "Send."
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607. She overloaded
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608. a wall socket, too!
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609. We're just like
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610. the bulls in Pamplona.
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611. Now, you.
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612. Any freshman Psych major
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613. can see it's obvious
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614. life didn't pan out the way
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615. you thought it would,
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616. so now to make up for it,
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617. you have to run your kid's life.
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618. I don't know who
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619. to root for.
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620. The simple truth is,
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621. you're just
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622. too afraid to let go
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623. of the one thing in your life
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624. that may be a success.
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625. But, hey, you don't have
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626. to take my word for it.
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627. Why don't we just ask
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628. the other mothers here
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629. and see what they think?
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630. Oh, that's right.
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631. There are no other mothers here.
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632. You just cost this floor
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633. their electricity privileges.
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634. Mom?
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635. I can't do this.
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636. What?
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637. I wanted to help you,
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638. to take care
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639. of things for you,
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640. but you know what?
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641. I'm just not up to it.
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642. I think you should
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643. do this on your own.
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644. What?
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645. It's time for me
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646. to step aside
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647. and let you handle things.
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648. Malcolm, I know
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649. you can do this.
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650. Unless I missed the sarcasm,
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651. I think she meant that.
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652. I've actually been given
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653. permission to run my own life.
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654. Well, at least
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655. get my own candy bar.
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656. But you know what?
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657. I want that candy bar more
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658. than I want my next breath.
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659. I have a plan.
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660. Malcolm, what
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661. are you doing?
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662. My plan.
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663. Well, get your foot
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664. out of the door.
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665. It's stuck.
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666. By the way, our Madrigal group
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667. is having a sing-off
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668. against Jazzmatazz tomorrow.
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669. You should check it out
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670. before you leave.
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671. All right, Jamie,
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672. this'll put a stop
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673. to all the stealing.
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674. And your father is
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675. a reasonable man,
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676. but sometimes
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677. even he can be pushed too far.
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678. You don't poke the bear.
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679. Police! Nobody move!
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680. We have a warrant
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681. to search these premises
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682. on suspicion of
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683. possession of narcotics.
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684. Nice.
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685. Narcotics?
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686. What are you... (shrieks)
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687. Sir, we need you
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688. to just remain calm,
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689. and we'll get through this
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690. as quickly as possible.
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691. Weren't you Annie Oakley
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692. in the school play?
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693. Yeah, but I wasn't very good.
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694. (Offenbach's
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695. "The Can-Can" plays)
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696. My stuff!
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697. Oh, my God.
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698. All this time, you were just
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699. using me to get to my dad?
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700. And all this time
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701. you were selling drugs,
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702. and you never even
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703. bought us a DVD player?
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704. Get him out of here.
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705. Hey, doctor man,
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706. it must be great
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707. saving people all day.
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708. What do I do?
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709. Play kickball.
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710. They're going to have
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711. some spectacular headaches,
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712. but, uh,
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713. otherwise they'll be fine.
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714. That is good news.
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715. Thank you
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716. for coming out here, Doctor.
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717. I don't say anything about this,
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718. you don't say anything
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719. about the keys
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720. I left in your gallbladder.
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721. Deal.
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722. So what are we going to do
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723. about the parents?
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724. Come on, honey, it's time
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725. to go back to the room
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726. with your wonderful,
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727. wonderful father.
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728. Thank you so much.
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729. You saved our marriage.
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730. I almost forgot
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731. she was a woman.
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732. Let's go, son.
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733. Whoa, Dad.
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734. You want to turn
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735. the volume down?
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736. It's not a total loss.
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737. When they took the door
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738. off the hinges,
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739. they discovered
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740. Leland had a hot plate.
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741. We all got to watch
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742. while they made him unplug it
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743. and put it in the closet.
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744. Don't you worry
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745. about it, honey.
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746. Just be glad
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747. this was our safety school.
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748. When we go to Yale,
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749. I promise I'll be
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750. much more on top of things.
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