Malcolm in the Middle 5x14

Directed by Steve Welch

Eddie Shin as Jordan • Sherman Howard as Ivan Pozefsky • Sara Paxton as Angela Pozefsky • Craig Lamar Traylor as Stevie Kenarban • Nike Doukas as Maria

Lois blows her top over a hidden 15 percent surcharge on the bill at her family's favorite pizza place and stages a boycott...but Hal and the boys are sneaking slices on the side. Malcolm meets Angela and becomes instantly smitten with her intellectual family...but starts to feel like a heel because he's asked another girl to the school dance and is forced to break it off with her--er--them. And Francis is reluctant to let Otto hire an assistant for him...but soon comes to like the idea.

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1. Oh, no! Mom and Dad

2. are gonna kill us!

3. I know what to do.

4. "Get out

5. of our neighborhood.

6. We hate your guts."

7. It's either the Lustigs,

8. the Andersons, the Coopers

9. or the Verones.

10. It's the Hacketts.

11. Like this is gonna bring

12. their cat back to life.

13. Let's see how they like a taste

14. of their own medicine.

15. I'll get the car.

16. Every other Thursday night,

17. we all go to Luigi's Pizza.

18. They're the only two nights

19. a month

20. I don't cry myself to sleep.

21. All right,

22. all right.

23. Stop it!

24. I said I get winner.

25. Isn't it amazing?

26. Every 14 days, we magically

27. turn into a happy family.

28. And here's why.

29. Luigi's pizza is so good,

30. it not only

31. brings out the goodwill

32. that's buried deep inside

33. of people;

34. it momentarily creates goodwill

35. that isn't even there.

36. (mouth full):

37. How was your day?

38. (mouth full):

39. I got a "B" on my math test.

40. Another exquisite

41. culinary experience,

42. Alfredo.

43. Ooh!

44. Doctor's orders.

45. Oh, Alfredo, can

46. you break this

47. for me for

48. the tip, please?

49. Excuse me. What's

50. this "SV" at the bottom?

51. That's the service charge.

52. Service charge?

53. What service charge?

54. We add 15% for the service.

55. We had a lot of people

56. stiffing the waiters.

57. We've been doing it for years.

58. Forcing people to tip

59. without telling them?

60. We've been double-tipping

61. without realizing it

62. all this time.

63. There's a notice right here.

64. That piddly little sign?

65. That's what you use

66. to justify it?

67. Oh, no. Is this gonna

68. be "shoe store" bad

69. or "circus" bad?

70. I think it's gonna be

71. "ten-items-or-less aisle" bad.

72. Is our car on fire? I think

73. I hear sirens. We better go.

74. You put up a little sign

75. that nobody can read,

76. and that gives you

77. the right to steal?

78. Where is the manager?

79. I want to see the manager!

80. Don't you give

81. me that look.

82. I probably won't see you

83. for a while, Manolo.

84. Lo siento mucho.

85. And then she stood in the

86. parking lot for half an hour

87. waving cars away.

88. My mom is horrible.

89. My mom...

90. phoned me drunk...

91. on my birthday...

92. wanting money.

93. I'm sorry, Stevie.

94. I shouldn't complain.

95. Your mom walking out

96. on you was unforgivable,

97. but you know what?

98. Your real friends

99. will never abandon you.

100. Hey, Angela!

101. Angela Pozefsky.

102. She's really cute.

103. I think I might actually

104. have a chance with her.

105. For some reason,

106. no one ever asks her out.

107. Maybe she's so promiscuous

108. she intimidates

109. all the other guys.

110. Yeah, I'm going with that.

111. Hello, Malcolm.

112. Hi, Angela.

113. I'm glad I caught up to you.

114. I was thinking...

115. You want to ask me out,

116. don't you?

117. Well, I was planning to mutter

118. and stumble around

119. for a few minutes first,

120. but yes.

121. You want to go

122. to the Spring Dance?

123. Let me save you

124. the trouble.

125. You don't want

126. to go out with me

127. because, before you

128. do go out with me,

129. my family would have to

130. approve, which they won't do

131. without giving you

132. a gigantic third degree.

133. So why don't you

134. just give up now,

135. and let me get on

136. with dying alone.

137. You're worried

138. about your family?

139. That's not going

140. to bother me.

141. Oh, yeah?

142. My family is unbelievably

143. intrusive, overbearing,

144. controlling

145. and humiliating.

146. You are talking

147. to the right guy.

148. Francis,

149. I want you to meet Jordan,

150. your new assistant.

151. My what?

152. Thank you so much

153. for this opportunity, sir.

154. Sure.

155. Will you excuse us?

156. I don't need

157. an assistant.

158. But the boy needs a job,

159. and I've filled every

160. other position here

161. two times over.

162. Oh, please?

163. Francis, I'm sure you can find

164. something for him to do.

165. Okay, I'll try.

166. Thank you, Francis.

167. I know I have a problem

168. hiring too many people,

169. but I'm getting help.

170. I am seeing three

171. psychiatrists about it.

172. I'm starting to forget

173. what Luigi's pizza

174. even tasted like.

175. I told you not

176. to brush your teeth.

177. Hello.

178. Yes, it is.

179. Really? Really?

180. Yes! Boys! Boys!

181. It's the owner

182. of Luigi's calling

183. to apologize to your mother.

184. Get your jackets.

185. Lois!

186. The pizza gods have

187. answered our prayers.

188. Hello.

189. Hi. This is Lawrence Camprisi,

190. the owner of Luigi's.

191. I heard about what happened,

192. and I wanted to call personally

193. to apologize.

194. Oh? What exactly

195. are you apologizing for?

196. About the way that

197. you were treated last Thursday.

198. There's no excuse for it,

199. and I couldn't feel

200. more terrible about it.

201. Well, that's

202. very nice to hear.

203. I am curious

204. why it took two weeks

205. to get an apology.

206. I'm sorry,

207. but, you see,

208. I just got in from Europe,

209. and I haven't even unpacked yet.

210. The point is that

211. you and your family

212. are valuable customers,

213. and we really want

214. to get you back in here.

215. Well, I must say,

216. this apology has surpassed

217. my expectations.

218. So what kind of refund

219. are you giving us?

220. What?

221. I figure we overpaid

222. at least $300

223. over the years.

224. Do you want to send us a check

225. or some kind

226. of gift certificate?

227. Lady, we can't

228. give you a refund.

229. We don't have

230. those kind of margins.

231. If you can afford to pay

232. for a trip to Europe,

233. you can afford 1/20th of that

234. to make things right

235. with a customer you cheated.

236. There is no pizza god.

237. Well, then I doubt you care,

238. but we are never, ever

239. eating a Luigi's

240. pizza again.

241. At least we have closure.

242. Okay, you asked for it.

243. Don't say

244. I didn't warn you.

245. Look, I'm fine. I...

246. This is my mom, my dad,

247. my nana, Aunt Layla,

248. Aunt Svidmella, Uncle Zach,

249. Nick, Max and Alexandra.

250. The rest are in the den.

251. This is Malcolm.

252. Welcome. Sit. Sit.

253. So... you want

254. to marry my daughter?

255. What?

256. I couldn't resist.

257. I'm sorry to put you

258. through all this,

259. but our family

260. is very protective

261. of our little Angela.

262. We need to know

263. what kind of boy you are.

264. Well, uh... I'm just normal.

265. I go to Angela's school.

266. I get good grades.

267. Uh, I have a job three days a

268. week at a drugstore with my mom.

269. Um... never had a cavity.

270. Did have all my shots.

271. Religiously, I guess

272. I would classify myself

273. as a hopeful agnostic.

274. I think the basic

275. philosophical question is...

276. Can we stop this?

277. Look, he's a genius.

278. He's the smartest kid in our

279. whole school by, like, a lot.

280. Really?

281. Genius?

282. Say something smart.

283. Well, um, I'm doing a paper

284. on cosmological inflation.

285. It's a theory that says

286. the reason the universe

287. is so homogeneous

288. is that right after

289. the Big Bang,

290. there was a short period

291. of even more rapid growth

292. than usual.

293. I hope you mentioned the

294. importance of scalar fields

295. to the whole concept

296. of symmetry breaking.

297. Not to brag,

298. but I did some pretty

299. important work on this.

300. Oh, please. Until they actually

301. find a Higgs particle,

302. it's all just

303. empty speculation.

304. Yes, dear. Women.

305. I'm okay with him.

306. You okay with him?

307. Nana?

308. Eh.

309. She loves you!

310. Come on! We're going to see

311. how much a boy your age can eat.

312. And there'll be singing!

313. And I have to warn you,

314. we're big Botticelli

315. players in this family.

316. How's your

317. medieval history?

318. Okay, I guess.

319. Malcolm's on my team!

320. One sugar, just

321. the way you like.

322. Thank you, Jordan.

323. Francis?

324. What, honey?

325. I just got off the phone

326. with my mother.

327. She sounded really upset

328. that you didn't

329. send a "thank you" note

330. for Christmas.

331. I mailed it

332. yesterday, sir.

333. You sent

334. a tasteful card

335. with a pressed

336. wildflower inside.

337. I think you owe

338. someone an apology.

339. He's good.

340. Allow me, sir.

341. Hal, boys, dinner!

342. What's this?

343. It's Family Fiesta Night!

344. I went to Mariachi's.

345. I got four kinds of enchiladas,

346. steak and chicken tacos,

347. and a tray of empanadas.

348. Malcolm!

349. No, no, are you kidding?

350. I had a great time.

351. Wednesday? Yeah, absolutely.

352. All right, bye.

353. Who was that?

354. Angela's dad.

355. What's going on?

356. Isn't this fun?

357. You're right.

358. We don't need music.

359. We have chips.

360. And the important thing

361. is that we're

362. all together enjoying

363. some family time.

364. So let's talk.

365. Who's got a good story?

366. Well, today, my

367. mom lost her mind.

368. (whispers):

369. Reese.

370. Look, I went

371. to a lot of trouble here,

372. and I know you boys like

373. this stuff, so...

374. what's the problem?

375. Mom, any way you dress it up,

376. it's not Luigi's.

377. Luigi's pizza wasn't the point.

378. The food is not what matters.

379. What matters is

380. that we're

381. sitting here together

382. enjoying each other's company.

383. If you believe that, then why'd

384. you buy all the Mexican food?

385. Fine! Mexican food

386. goes in the trash!

387. Olé.

388. No, I am not Copernicus.

389. Did you isolate

390. something which

391. eventually killed you?

392. No, I am not Madame Curie.

393. This is so cool.

394. When we play at my house,

395. we can only use

396. cartoon characters.

397. Cartoon characters

398. we saw that day.

399. Okay, do you believe

400. in life after love?

401. No, I am not Cher.

402. We'll never beat him!

403. You baked brownies?

404. With walnuts.

405. Your favorite.

406. You made this for me?

407. This is awesome.

408. This is so much fun.

409. I love dating Angela.

410. Where is Angela?

411. She went over to a girlfriend's

412. house an hour ago.

413. Oh.

414. Okay. (chuckles)

415. (whispering): Are the

416. smaller ones better, sir?

417. Very much, thank you.

418. I don't have to open

419. my mouth as far.

420. What were

421. you saying, Mom?

422. They have been tacking on

423. this 15% service charge

424. for the last three years.

425. I mean, I'm doing

426. the right thing

427. by boycotting them,

428. don't you think?

429. I don't know, it sounds like

430. you're making everyone else

431. suffer for something

432. only you care about.

433. I don't know why I bother

434. to talking to you, Francis.

435. Would it kill you to say

436. something supportive to me

437. when I'm obviously right?

438. You're blaming me?

439. You know what..

440. If you were so certain

441. you were right,

442. you wouldn't be coming

443. to me for reassurance.

444. If you were so certain

445. you were right,

446. you wouldn't be coming

447. to me for reassurance.

448. I think we got her, sir.

449. Let's not dwell

450. on our victories, Jordan.

451. My ears are feeling

452. hairy again.

453. I thought I would never

454. smell that smell again.

455. Your mother's not

456. coming home for two hours.

457. That should give us

458. plenty of time

459. to eat it

460. and destroy all the evidence.

461. But I want to be clear

462. on this.

463. What we are doing here

464. is not okay.

465. It is morally reprehensible

466. on every level.

467. We should be ashamed.

468. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

469. we hate ourselves.

470. Now, remember, boys,

471. whatever happens,

472. we are all in this together.

473. Where's Malcolm?

474. He's at his other family.

475. More for us.

476. I can't believe

477. how much we ate.

478. I can't believe

479. how good it tasted.

480. That was the taste of evil, son.

481. Gooey, delicious evil.

482. I know I've got

483. to cover my breath,

484. but the thought of even eating

485. this breath mint just

486. makes me want to throw up.

487. We forced ours down.

488. Hey, everybody!

489. I got dinner!

490. It's from

491. the Pizza Connection.

492. I had to drive

493. all the way across town

494. to get it,

495. but I figured I owe you boys

496. something nice.

497. I know how hard it's been going

498. without Luigi's,

499. and it means a lot to me

500. that you're backing me up.

501. There's cheese

502. inside the meatballs.

503. I never saw people

504. get so passionate about

505. the Copenhagen interpretation

506. of quantum theory.

507. I thought Nana was going

508. to punch somebody.

509. We had so much

510. fun last night.

511. I watched...

512. Dad torch...

513. his wedding album.

514. Hey, Malcolm.

515. Hey, Sarah.

516. I just wanted to ask

517. if you want to go

518. to the Spring Dance with me.

519. I know it's kind of late.

520. Oh wow, I'd love to.

521. Great, so I'll see you Friday?

522. See you on Friday.

523. Isn't it great

524. when the girl

525. asks the...

526. Angela.

527. I totally forgot.

528. Oh, man, I've got two dates

529. to the Spring Dance.

530. It's sort of like

531. that old episode of...

532. well, every show.

533. If you think about it,

534. it's actually a pretty

535. interesting challenge.

536. I mean, Urkel did

537. pretty well

538. with the identical

539. cousin trick

540. until he got greedy

541. and made himself a duke.

542. And Potsie doesn't count

543. because one of his turned out

544. to be a dude.

545. Stevie, are you even

546. listening to me?

547. Two girls...

548. two families.

549. I don't have...

550. two lungs!

551. What does that

552. have to do with...

553. People with... your luck...

554. aren't allowed... to be creeps.

555. Just choose!

556. Yeah, all right.

557. Okay, it's 7:35.

558. It's a five-minute

559. bike ride to Luigi's.

560. It'll take you one minute

561. to order the pizza,

562. which means they should

563. hand it to you

564. at 7:56.

565. I'll send your mother

566. to the mall at 7:50

567. and we'll destroy the evidence

568. before she gets back.

569. You know, we're going

570. to pay for this.

571. We're going to pay big.

572. Yeah.

573. But we're not

574. going to pay today.

575. Whatever else

576. it's done to me,

577. this whole conspiracy has made

578. me feel so close to my boys.

579. Except for

580. Malcolm and Jamie.

581. They're not like us.

582. Now go!

583. Hey, honey.

584. What are you doing?

585. Are those car keys?

586. I'm going down to Luigi's.

587. What?

588. Why would you do that?

589. I'm giving up.

590. I've inflicted this thing

591. on all of you long enough.

592. I'm going to go down there,

593. I'm going to walk up

594. to the counter,

595. and I'm going to do right

596. by my family.

597. Over my dead body.

598. What?

599. You can't give up now.

600. I thought we were

601. a team on this.

602. Hal, you've all been

603. wonderfully supportive,

604. but maybe enough is enough.

605. The woman that I love

606. has never thought

607. that enough was enough.

608. The woman that I love

609. is not going to go

610. anywhere near that place

611. in the next hour.

612. We believe in you, Lois.

613. You have got to fight this.

614. Thank you.

615. You're right.

616. I will.

617. Malcolm!

618. Come in. Come in.

619. Look who's here!

620. Angela, your boyfriend is here!

621. I put the leaf

622. back in the table.

623. We can reenact

624. the battle of Lepanto

625. with olives and celery!

626. I can't stay.

627. On Saturday,

628. you and Angela must join us.

629. The Taiwan acrobats

630. are in town.

631. I don't think I can make it.

632. Well, you and Angela can

633. join us for movie night.

634. And I won't take

635. "no" for an answer.

636. I can't.

637. Why not? What's wrong?

638. He's breaking up with me.

639. Which I'm totally okay with.

640. We haven't even talked

641. in two weeks.

642. What were you saying?

643. Oh, no, it's nothing.

644. You're breaking up?

645. Just like that?

646. Yeah.

647. This is really hard.

648. My life is kind of complicated

649. right now, and I just

650. need my space.

651. But I really want us

652. to stay friends.

653. "Friends."

654. It's not you. It's me.

655. The past few weeks

656. have been

657. great, but...

658. Please. Don't.

659. No, really.

660. You know how amazing

661. you guys are?

662. Look, Angela's

663. going to date

664. a lot of guys...

665. that are much better

666. than me and...

667. Now you're

668. being patronizing.

669. Just go.

670. I'll see you around?

671. We both know

672. that's not how it works.

673. This butter is just sitting here

674. like a cube on my toast.

675. It's not...

676. doing that thing

677. that Jordan does.

678. Spreading?

679. Yeah!

680. Francis, this

681. has to stop.

682. I liked the flowers

683. you had Jordan send me,

684. and the poem he wrote

685. was very sweet,

686. but you're

687. turning into

688. a helpless infant.

689. If Jordan hadn't

690. wandered in on you

691. in the men's room yesterday,

692. you'd still be

693. stuck in there.

694. I would've figured it out.

695. No, I wouldn't have.

696. You're right.

697. I'll let him go.

698. It's for the best.

699. Jordan, there's something

700. I have to talk to you about.

701. The thing is...

702. You need to let me go.

703. Well, yeah, and...

704. You feel terrible about this,

705. but you can't keep me,

706. even though I've done

707. an outstanding job.

708. Yeah, I'm...

709. Sorry. Of course you are.

710. But you've written me

711. a wonderful letter

712. of recommendation.

713. And let me thank

714. you in advance

715. for the muffin basket

716. you'll be sending.

717. It's not too expensive,

718. but I will appreciate

719. the thought.

720. Good-bye, sir.

721. Good-bye.

722. It's best to squeeze

723. now, sir.

724. Come on. Come on. Sit down.

725. Too bad Malcolm's

726. at the dance.

727. He's going

728. to miss this.

729. What is it?

730. I was ready to give up

731. on my war

732. with Luigi's, and then

733. your father inspired me

734. to take action.

735. So yesterday, I called

736. Clyde on Your Side.

737. Who?

738. You know, that consumer guy

739. on Channel 5.

740. They're doing

741. a whole exposé on Luigi's.

742. They told me it was going

743. to be on at 10:23.

744. Oh, here it is.

745. This may look like a friendly,

746. neighborhood pizza parlor,

747. but thanks

748. to an alert tipster,

749. we discovered

750. that this hangout

751. could be hanging you out

752. to dry.

753. Alert tipster, that's me.

754. It turns out this eatery

755. adds a secret 15% service charge

756. to every tab.

757. I want to be clear

758. this does not reflect

759. on the Italian people,

760. most of whom are hard-working

761. decent Americans.

762. But for the cadre of tricksters

763. here at Luigi's,

764. we've got a tip for you:

765. clean up-a you act.

766. Who are the victims

767. in this scam?

768. Senior citizens

769. on a fixed income.

770. Local teens after a dance.

771. And of course,

772. the biggest price is paid...

773. Oh, my God!

774. That traitor!

775. How could he betray

776. the trust of this family?

777. Especially you, Lois.

778. Doesn't he know what

779. you've been fighting for?

780. Yeah!

781. That betrayer!

782. Look at him shove

783. that pizza in his mouth

784. right there in

785. the restaurant

786. when we have to sneak

787. ours in the garage!

788. What?

789. This isn't

790. just the sad story of...

791. All right,

792. I was saving this

793. until I needed it.

794. Dad does a five-minute imitation

795. of you on the toilet.

796. I'll show you

797. the videotape

798. if you're willing to deal.

799. Turns out, breaking up with

800. Angela was a terrible mistake.

801. It's sad.

802. Sometimes you don't realize

803. what you had

804. until you throw it away.

805. Malcolm.

806. Hey.

807. What are you

808. doing here?

809. I was just in the neighborhood

810. and I was thinking maybe...

811. You guys look great.

812. This is really awkward.

813. Yes...

814. I'm the Earl...

815. of Sandwich.