Malcolm in the Middle 5x13

Directed by David D'Ovidio

Laurie Metcalf as Susan • Abigail Mavity as Meagan • Kevin Cooney as Dr. Dumont • Lyndsy Fonseca as Olivia • Heather McPhaul as Trish

Lois' younger sister, Susan, pays the family a visit and brings with her expensive gifts for the boys, biting remarks for Lois and a cold shoulder for Hal – whom she has never forgiven for dumping her for Lois. Lois and Susan's competitive relationship takes a turn for the worse when Susan gives Malcolm and Reese her prize '65 Mustang convertible. But when Lois discovers that Susan needs a kidney transplant, she puts her anger aside and offers to donate her kidney to Susan, which Susan only sees as the perfect opportunity for Lois to one-up her.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. How was the park?

2. Oh, it was great.

3. We had a blast.

4. Hal.

5. I know,

6. I know, he's filthy.

7. I decided to let him

8. out to crawl around

9. in the dirt for

10. a little while,

11. he had so much fun

12. rolling around

13. with the other kids.

14. Lois, you should have seen him.

15. Hal...

16. Lois, you can't

17. treat the boy like

18. he's made of glass.

19. He'll be fine.

20. We can clean him up.

21. The important thing is that

22. Jamie and I had fun together.

23. This isn't Jamie.

24. Huh.

25. I know exactly who

26. I switched him with.

27. Hi there.

28. Boys, Aunt Susan

29. will be here

30. any minute.

31. I thought I told you

32. to clean up the kitchen.

33. You heard your mother,

34. do it again.

35. No, no, no. Wait.

36. No one's

37. cleaning up.

38. If Susan can't accept

39. how we live,

40. she can just get back

41. on her high horse

42. and ride off to that sterile

43. tomb she calls a home.

44. Why is Mom always so

45. weird about Aunt Susan?

46. Dad used to be

47. Aunt Susan's boyfriend...

48. until Mom stole him.

49. But we

50. don't know

51. anything about it.

52. We also think Francis

53. is a year younger

54. than he really is.

55. Got it.

56. There she is.

57. Sweet.

58. She brought the Mustang!

59. Oh, man.

60. Well, when you hang

61. on to every penny

62. until it screams

63. bloody murder,

64. you can afford

65. nice things.

66. I wish your father

67. and I were better

68. about that instead of

69. frittering our money away

70. on all the little

71. extras for you boys.

72. Susan!

73. I'm so happy to see you!

74. And I don't want you to worry

75. about your last phone call.

76. I've completely forgiven you.

77. It's good

78. to see you, too.

79. I guess the drive took

80. a little longer

81. than expected?

82. Well, lunch

83. will taste fine cold.

84. Hi.

85. Hi, Aunt Susan.

86. Hello.

87. Listen to the deep voices.

88. Unbelievable, Lois.

89. They're almost grown

90. and you're still

91. popping them out.

92. And this must be Jamie.

93. Hello, sweetie.

94. Hello, cutie pie.

95. Hi, Susan.

96. Hal.

97. Look at you.

98. You're such

99. a sweetie pie.

100. Uh, boys,

101. why don't you go get

102. Aunt Susan's bags out

103. of her fancy car?

104. That car

105. is outrageous.

106. Well, sometimes you just

107. have to treat yourself.

108. Oh, and I brought

109. a gift for Jamie.

110. Wow.

111. Susan, thank you.

112. After six months of shopping,

113. this must be quite a card.

114. Oh, it's not the card,

115. it's what's inside.

116. It's a $5,000

117. savings bond.

118. Well, I don't know

119. what to say.

120. It's going to mature

121. right around the time

122. he's ready to go off to college.

123. Someone should be

124. thinking of that.

125. Okay, girls,

126. this is the wildest,

127. most remote area

128. on the entire ranch.

129. You think

130. we can handle

131. a whole weekend out here?

132. Brittany and Ashley

133. want to marry you.

134. No, no,

135. you can't do that.

136. George! George!

137. I'm sorry,

138. we have to go back.

139. My ex-husband

140. is trying

141. to have my frozen eggs

142. fertilized by his boyfriend.

143. Come on, girls.

144. Girls, Buttercups are brave

145. in the face of disappointment.

146. You know what?

147. You take the van back.

148. I'll watch the girls.

149. Are you sure

150. you can handle it?

151. Absolutely.

152. This is my backyard.

153. Besides, look at all

154. those merit badges.

155. Can we? Can we? Can we?

156. Well, they have been looking

157. forward to this for so long.

158. We'll be fine.

159. Where are we?

160. I don't know,

161. sweetie.

162. Mr. Mountain Lion

163. didn't give me

164. enough time

165. to grab my compass.

166. I'm hungry.

167. Yeah, well,

168. I'm going to refer you back

169. to the mountain lion thing.

170. Where are we

171. going to sleep?

172. Girls, please.

173. We have water,

174. we'll find shelter

175. and I know the land.

176. There's food all around us.

177. Look— those are edible

178. fungi called truffles.

179. Those are deer turds.

180. Okay, well, we're all

181. going to learn

182. a lot this weekend.

183. That pasta

184. was fabulous, Reese.

185. How's Larry?

186. He won't stop

187. fighting with Mom.

188. The other day she

189. barged in on him

190. when he was

191. in the bathtub.

192. So he stood up,

193. yanked off her wig,

194. and dried

195. himself with it.

196. Very thoroughly.

197. That Larry's a keeper.

198. Yeah, it's so great he's

199. not a backstabbing weasel.

200. A weasel is

201. a horrible animal.

202. Susan, I've been thinking

203. about the gift you gave Jamie.

204. I know, Lois, and you don't

205. have to worry about it.

206. I brought gifts

207. for the other boys, too.

208. Yes!

209. Sitting here

210. looking interested

211. finally pays off.

212. No, Susan,

213. that's not

214. what I meant.

215. I'm uncomfortable

216. with the amount.

217. It's awfully extravagant.

218. Oh, you think

219. everything's extravagant.

220. Now, I know how much

221. little Dewey likes candy,

222. so I got him

223. a professional

224. cotton candy machine.

225. Susan, what are you doing?

226. We don't own a circus.

227. Well, now you can

228. feel like you do.

229. Now, I'm sorry,

230. but you two boys

231. are going to have

232. to share a gift.

233. I'm giving you the Mustang.

234. Oh, my God!

235. You're kidding!

236. Thank you!

237. I never believed

238. anything Mom

239. said about you.

240. Susan, you can't

241. give them a car.

242. Mom, technically

243. this is a transaction

244. between Aunt Susan and us.

245. And I'm willing to hire

246. a lawyer to enforce it.

247. You want to go there,

248. I'll go there.

249. You know, Lois,

250. usually when someone

251. gives gifts,

252. people say thank you.

253. Well, I'm sorry, this...

254. sudden generosity,

255. coming from you,

256. is a little baffling.

257. Oh, I'm sorry that the concept

258. of opening your heart and giving

259. is so baffling to you.

260. I don't know,

261. some people might not

262. think of it as giving.

263. Some people might think of it

264. as just showing off.

265. Oh, here we go! We're only

266. three hours in, and we've

267. already received

268. our first visit

269. from the Queen Bee

270. of Moral Superiority.

271. Oh, and here's the victim,

272. right on schedule!

273. I became the victim

274. on my prom night

275. when I walked into

276. the garage and caught

277. my boyfriend having sex

278. with my sister

279. on the hood of my car!

280. (whispering):

281. Where do I look?

282. There's

283. nowhere to look.

284. Dad, please, you don't

285. have to do this.

286. We love this car.

287. We promise we

288. won't try to drive it

289. until you say we can.

290. You think your mom and I

291. were born yesterday?

292. How can you do this?

293. Boys, please.

294. I know this is hard

295. for you to understand,

296. but you're just going

297. to have

298. to realize that

299. your mom and Susan are crazy.

300. The sooner you learn

301. to accept that, the better.

302. Okay, girls,

303. we got a nice cozy cave

304. to sleep in,

305. a big roaring fire...

306. I'd say things are looking up.

307. That isn't enough firewood.

308. You have to keep

309. the fire going

310. all night

311. to keep animals away.

312. Okay, Meagan, Kirsten,

313. go get more firewood,

314. and make sure it's not this dumb

315. green stuff Francis got.

316. Whoa, whoa, you girls

317. aren't going anywhere.

318. It's dark out there.

319. I'm in charge here

320. and I'm telling you to stay.

321. I vote Brittany

322. to be our new leader.

323. All in favor?

324. Aye!

325. I accept.

326. Now you guys

327. get the firewood

328. and you guys move the blankets

329. to the dry part

330. of the cave.

331. What are you doing?

332. You can't change the leader.

333. We voted.

334. It doesn't matter.

335. Now I'm the grown-up,

336. so that puts me in charge.

337. All you girls,

338. you sit down, 'cause

339. no one's going anywhere.

340. I'm in charge.

341. I'm in charge.

342. This is torture.

343. The car's just sitting there

344. and no one can drive it.

345. Yeah, it's like that hot nun

346. who comes around

347. every year for toy drive.

348. You know what?

349. We're not going to let

350. Mom and Dad

351. get away with this.

352. Forget it, Reese.

353. Your bolt cutters

354. can't handle that lock.

355. And Dad's bolt cutters

356. are in the garage.

357. It doesn't matter.

358. You don't understand the power

359. of my brain, Malcolm.

360. It's like a deep ravine

361. that sits in total darkness,

362. but once in a while,

363. just for a moment,

364. a brilliant shaft of light

365. shines directly down into it.

366. And that is the moment I

367. will think of a genius plan

368. that will get us

369. into that Mustang.

370. So the only way for us

371. to get out of this situation

372. is dependent

373. on you being a genius?

374. Correct.

375. Everything in my life

376. has led up to this moment.

377. So, where's Susan?

378. She said she was

379. out shopping,

380. but I wouldn't be surprised

381. if she was out right now

382. renting herself a car so we'd

383. have to accept her Mustang.

384. She's fully capable of that.

385. You know, honey,

386. you may want to...

387. Okay, never mind.

388. Can you

389. believe it?

390. Classical music— how

391. pretentious is that?

392. Well, we're just

393. going to ignore it.

394. I'm sure she has

395. voice mail, so we'll just...

396. Hello?

397. Hi, Susan, this is Dr. Dumont.

398. This isn't Susan.

399. This is her sister.

400. Excuse me?

401. This is her sister, Lois.

402. We just sound a lot alike.

403. You're Susan's sister?

404. Yes.

405. Her birth sister?

406. Yes. What's the problem?

407. The problem is you should

408. have been in here

409. six months ago

410. for a blood test.

411. Why? What's going on here?

412. What's wrong with Susan?

413. Your sister has

414. end-stage renal disease.

415. If she doesn't get

416. a donor kidney soon,

417. she's going to die.

418. And she told me

419. she was an only child.

420. Good news, girls.

421. It took me all day,

422. but I caught

423. two delicious-looking lizards

424. and the back half of what

425. I'm pretty sure is a gopher.

426. Meagan and Ashley built a trap

427. and caught some rabbits.

428. What's in the pot?

429. We found some roots

430. and grasses

431. to make soup with.

432. And we're not putting in

433. your gross lizards.

434. Yeah.

435. Yeah.

436. You can't eat that soup.

437. There's no way to know

438. if what you gathered

439. is safe to eat.

440. But we only picked things

441. we saw the bunnies eating.

442. I'm sorry, it's too risky.

443. What are you doing?

444. I'm going

445. to dump out the soup.

446. No, you're not.

447. It's our soup.

448. Okay, we've played

449. this game long enough.

450. I am in charge!

451. I am an adult!

452. And I also happen to be

453. much bigger and stronger

454. than you girls.

455. So if this is the way

456. you want to play this,

457. that's fine, but I...

458. Get him! Get him! Get him!

459. You are on thin ice, girls!

460. One more stunt like this

461. and I won't be responsible!

462. I am serious!

463. Look at you.

464. Now you're a sleeping sailor.

465. He can try on the rest

466. of his new outfits later.

467. You know, I really missed

468. the boat not having kids.

469. I got to admit, I envy you.

470. Is that why

471. you're not taking my kidney?

472. What?

473. Your cell phone rang

474. this morning. I answered it.

475. It was your doctor, Susan.

476. He told me everything.

477. How could you tell him

478. that I don't exist?

479. How can you not even

480. ask me for a kidney

481. when I'm probably

482. a perfect match?

483. What kind of weird

484. psychological issues

485. are making you do this?

486. Who gave you the right

487. to answer my cell phone?

488. What is wrong with you?

489. If I give you one of my kidneys,

490. you can live.

491. Well, that's the moment we've

492. all been waiting for, isn't it?

493. The almighty Lois now has

494. the power to grant me life!

495. Don't mind me. Not staying.

496. Just getting an innocent

497. child out of the line of fire.

498. Enjoy your chat.

499. See? We're already gone.

500. Good-bye.

501. Why do you always twist

502. around everything I say

503. to make it seem

504. like I'm attacking you?

505. Why do you always

506. say "always"?

507. Do you have any idea

508. how stupid

509. that makes you sound?

510. Don't change the subject!

511. My God, this is the apple

512. turnover all over again.

513. Don't you dare bring up

514. the apple turnover!

515. Oh, screw it.

516. I've had 15 years of therapy.

517. I'm better than this.

518. I'm talking to you!

519. I am not your puppet!

520. What?

521. I know what

522. I did wrong, Hal.

523. I let her get away

524. too easily.

525. Well, I didn't think anything

526. was gonna be solved

527. once you got into who

528. your goldfish liked better.

529. You're right. Arguing with

530. her accomplishes nothing.

531. That's why I'm going to

532. have a judge

533. declare her

534. mentally incompetent.

535. That's never going to work,

536. Lois.

537. Are you kidding?

538. Any psychiatrist spends

539. five minutes with her

540. would say that she's crazy!

541. Lois, don't take this

542. the wrong way,

543. but when you two get together,

544. you don't exactly have

545. the high ground on crazy.

546. Well, what am I

547. supposed to do, Hal,

548. just sit back

549. and watch her die?

550. I don't know what to do either.

551. But Susan is an adult.

552. You can't force someone

553. to take a kidney.

554. Hey.

555. What do you think

556. you're doing?

557. Savoring the greatest

558. achievement

559. of a life that so far

560. has had some

561. pretty mixed results.

562. Get in.

563. What exactly do you think

564. you're going to accomplish

565. in a car with no engine?

566. There's a kegger

567. down at the field.

568. They've been without

569. us long enough.

570. Reese, you're insane!

571. Yeah, you could make

572. an argument for that.

573. Hello, 24-hour party people!

574. Reese, you moron.

575. I can't believe you think

576. you're going to get away with...

577. Cool car.

578. '65 Mustang.

579. (whispers):

580. Meagan.

581. Meagan!

582. Huh?

583. Shh!

584. I have something

585. very important to tell you.

586. What?

587. Brittany told me

588. that Donny Frost

589. said that he likes you,

590. but she won't tell you

591. 'cause she thinks

592. you're stuck up.

593. No way!

594. And also, she said those shoes

595. she said were cute on you

596. aren't cute on you at all.

597. They're actually dorky.

598. Why would she say

599. such mean things?

600. I think it's because

601. she's a two-face.

602. But that's not important.

603. What is important

604. is that a girl like that

605. should not be the leader.

606. You should be the leader.

607. You're more honest

608. than she is and prettier.

609. Me? The leader?

610. Totally. Together,

611. we could make this

612. the best Buttercup troop ever.

613. All I need you to do

614. is untie my hands.

615. Okay.

616. You are not going

617. to regret this.

618. Buttercups are always loyal!

619. Think about that

620. while you're sleeping outside!

621. Yeah, driving's cool.

622. I do all my thinking

623. when I drive.

624. Of course, sometimes I drive

625. and I don't think, I just drive.

626. But no matter where I drive

627. or how much I drive,

628. I find that people

629. are still people.

630. That is so true.

631. Thanks for letting me

632. wear your jacket.

633. Sure. Let me ask

634. you something.

635. Do you remember last week

636. when I said "hello" to you,

637. and you said, "Look what's

638. trying to talk to me?"

639. Did I?

640. So, are you nicer to me

641. now because you realize

642. we have more in common

643. than you thought,

644. or because you find our

645. differences intriguing,

646. or because now

647. I have a car?

648. Uh, probably the car.

649. Cool.

650. Sometimes I love high school.

651. Hey, why don't we drive

652. somewhere

653. so we can have

654. a little privacy?

655. I don't see why

656. we have to drive anywhere.

657. It's a beautiful night,

658. I'm with a beautiful girl,

659. there are some beautiful bushes

660. over there.

661. I'll get some blankets.

662. Come on, Olivia.

663. You are a god.

664. A god of a special universe,

665. where no one thinks

666. of consequences

667. and where those of us

668. constrained by intelligence

669. and common sense

670. are not allowed.

671. But you have invited me in,

672. and from now on,

673. I will follow you anywhere.

674. Hey, hey, hey!

675. There's cop cars

676. up at the top of the hill.

677. Everybody get out of here!

678. Move your damn car!

679. Uh, I think the battery's dead!

680. I'll jump it!

681. What are you doing?

682. Come on, man!

683. There's no engine!

684. Hey, somebody stole our engine!

685. Nobody's going anywhere

686. until they give it back!

687. I'm glad the cops are coming!

688. I want names!

689. I'm getting worried.

690. They're supposed

691. to be here by now.

692. Oh, my God! Francis,

693. are you all right?

694. What happened to you?

695. Nothing. It was great.

696. It's my turn to be dragged!

697. Dr. Dumont.

698. Susan, what a great day.

699. Yeah, dialysis. What fun.

700. Too bad I left

701. my party hat at home.

702. What are you

703. talking about?

704. We're not doing dialysis today.

705. You're getting

706. your kidney today.

707. What?

708. Susan, we talked about this

709. on the phone four days ago.

710. You agreed to do

711. the procedure today.

712. Your sister's already...

713. My sister?

714. You're not allowed

715. out of Post-Op yet.

716. Post-Op?

717. Yep. It turns out

718. I was a perfect match.

719. My kidney's in a cooler

720. down the hall.

721. You can either accept it

722. or throw it in the trash.

723. Oh, boy, this is not

724. going to look good

725. in front of the board.

726. Are you insane?

727. You had your kidney taken out

728. after I told you no?

729. Susan, hi.

730. Look, I know you don't

731. care what I think,

732. but I have to let you know

733. that I am so happy that

734. you agreed to do this.

735. Oh, I didn't agree to anything.

736. My treacherous sister

737. has concocted

738. a gigantic tissue

739. of lies to trap me,

740. but it's not going to work!

741. What?

742. Well, she didn't...

743. Okay, for future reference,

744. this is the crazy thing

745. I was talking about!

746. I cannot believe

747. you would be so spiteful

748. as to let yourself die

749. after what I have done for you.

750. What you have done for me?

751. I am so sick of this!

752. You know, you actually have me

753. looking forward

754. to the afterlife.

755. Good luck. Dad's there.

756. Susan, please,

757. just take the kidney.

758. I don't want to lose you.

759. Okay, you know what?

760. Can you do me a big favor

761. and just stop pretending

762. like you care about me?

763. What? Susan, I love you!

764. Oh, please.

765. You never loved me!

766. You see this scar?

767. When I was six

768. and you were four,

769. Dad said we didn't get dessert

770. because we were bad

771. and you dumped his pudding

772. on his head and said,

773. "Yeah? Well, neither do you,"

774. and I laughed so hard,

775. I fell and hit my head on

776. the corner of the coffee table.

777. See those four freckles

778. on your left ankle?

779. We used to play connect-the-dots

780. and I drew a bunny

781. and you named it "Footy."

782. And this hole in my ear

783. is from when

784. you got Dad's tackle box

785. and you pierced my ears for me

786. because I was too chicken

787. to do it.

788. And that cap on your tooth

789. is from when Cindy Bauer

790. called me a bitch

791. and you beat the crap out of her

792. and didn't think

793. I ever knew about it.

794. And this is the scar

795. I got from the kidney I gave you

796. because I love you.

797. Don't you tell me

798. I don't love you.

799. Oh, for God sakes.

800. All right,

801. give me the damn kidney.

802. Thank you.

803. Don't get too excited.

804. You know you were always

805. the big one.

806. We don't even know

807. if it'll fit.

808. Hope you boys don't think

809. you're going anywhere.

810. Don't worry.

811. Until everyone who was

812. at that party dies of old age,

813. we have no reason

814. to ever go out.

815. Hey, how are you feeling?

816. Well, it's been three days.

817. Not so much as a thank you.

818. No, I meant the incision.

819. Oh. I'm still pretty sore.

820. Yeah, well, Susan may not

821. admit it, but she's grateful.

822. And if it's any consolation,

823. she took the kidney.

824. You won.

825. Hal, it was never about that.

826. Nobody won.

827. Help!

828. Help!

829. Help!