Malcolm in the Middle 5x12

Directed by Ken Kwapis

Kaitlin Cullum as Stephanie • Michael Gaston as Mel • Ingo Neuhaus as Nick • Tom Simmons as Mr. Snow • James Martin Kelly as Umpire

Malcolm is convinced to play Softball by Lois and ends up doing very badly at it due to Lois's hold on him. Meanwhile, Francis tries to pick fights with Lois, Reese tries to break Francis's record of collecting toilet seats from a local junkyard, and Hal accidentally applies to become a member of the CIA.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Boys, I found the beer you hid in the garage.

2. After all our talks

3. about drinking, you still think it's cool?

4. Well, it's not. Now, sit down and watch.

5. Look at me.

6. I'm Mr. Cool.

7. Mmm.

8. Everybody digs my scene.

9. I'm the grooviest dude

10. who was ever grooved on.

11. I just love you boys so much.

12. Who wants a hug?

13. Took him long enough to find that beer.

14. Yeah, but it was so worth the wait.

15. Guess what?

16. I got another raise.

17. Mr. DeSilvio said that when I clean the gunk

18. out of the rendering machine,

19. I vomit less than anyone who's ever worked there.

20. Oh, glad someone's career's on track.

21. My company may not even exist in a month.

22. Well, what does Nate have to say?

23. He's usually pretty levelheaded about this stuff.

24. Nate faked his death and fled the country.

25. Didn't he, Jamie?

26. Yes, he did.

27. Dad-dad.

28. Here. Do these look like the hands of a lazy man?

29. Do they? You see how hard the calluses are?

30. What are you doing here?

31. This morning, on the phone, you said that I was lazy.

32. Well, look at my hands, and admit that you were wrong.

33. Are you biting

34. your nails again? Apologize!

35. I am not going to apologize for something

36. that I said that's true.

37. This is exactly why I drove

38. eight straight hours to get here.

39. To prove how far you'll go

40. just to avoid a simple apology.

41. I can't believe how screwed-up your priorities are.

42. Hello?

43. Oh, hi, baby.

44. Happy anniversary.

45. No, I haven't left yet.

46. I'm on my way out right now. Okay.

47. Seeing Francis act like this is really sad.

48. I mean, for him.

49. For us, it's kinda funny.

50. Okay, Malcolm, let's go. We got to get to work.

51. And don't forget to change your shoes.

52. Okay. Can I eat my cupcake in the car?

53. I was gonna eat it in the car whether she said I could or not.

54. It's pathetic to watch Francis when he's around Mom.

55. It's almost like he's her puppet or something.

56. Yeah, it's really awful how she manipulates him.

57. Boy, I sure love this vanilla.

58. Why would anyone do something like that?

59. Well, there is a certain pleasure

60. in secretly controlling someone a lot dumber than you.

61. Hey, you know what was really cool about Francis?

62. How he used to pull all those crazy stunts.

63. Yeah, that stuff was pretty awesome. Yeah.

64. Too bad there's nothing like that now.

65. Except for Kopelman's junkyard.

66. You mean, with all those vicious dogs?

67. Remember how Francis set the record by going over the fence

68. and coming back with 11 old toilet seats?

69. If only someone had the guts to do that now.

70. By "someone," I meant you.

71. You think?

72. Took me four hours to find this old spelling test.

73. C plus.

74. Do lazy people get C pluses?

75. No.

76. Man, I got to get back on the road.

77. When's Mom coming home?

78. Not till after 10:00.

79. Well, traffic will be better, anyway.

80. All I'm saying is

81. if you don't put the pinks and the yellows together by date,

82. you're not gonna be able to find them later.

83. And I know, you want to live in the dorm

84. when you go away to college, but you're too easily distracted.

85. You don't get to criticize decisions

86. I won't even make for three years.

87. Okay, you're getting cranky.

88. Let's take a break.

89. Look, we're over halfway done.

90. Aren't you glad I didn't let you go to the bathroom before?

91. Hey, Malcolm, you want to sign up for the softball team?

92. It's a chance to see the old Satin Hammer in action.

93. And every season, I take one lucky youngster under my wing.

94. I'm already under a thumb. Well, if you're on the team,

95. you don't have to work the early weekend shift.

96. My mom works that shift. I'm in.

97. Hey, Lois. You signing up for softball?

98. I don't need to sign up, Craig.

99. I'm coaching the team this year.

100. You are?

101. Yeah, Stu was gonna do it, but his wife

102. got born again and ruined his Sundays.

103. Hey, Malcolm, you're playing.

104. I just can't get away from you, can I?

105. MAN Attention all C.O.G. employees.

106. Immediately following

107. the funeral of District Manager Kelsey,

108. all windows above the third floor will be sealed...

109. That's the base pay?

110. And there's full dental?

111. Sounds good.

112. Where's the interview?

113. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

114. Thanks.

115. I owe you one.

116. So, I'm going in

117. three days ahead of him for the interview.

118. I mean, Nick won't have any trouble finding another job.

119. They guy's an ex-Navy Seal.

120. Of course, ethically, you could argue it's stealing.

121. But look at hip-hop.

122. They sample music all the time.

123. Is that stealing, or is that art?

124. Hal, you have a family. Go in for the interview.

125. I've got to figure out whether I'm gonna bat

126. my left-handed speedster at the top of the order

127. or drop him lower so he can hit

128. behind the runners and stay out of the double play.

129. There.

130. 20 years worth of connect-the-dot puzzles,

131. model airplanes and dirty haikus.

132. Do lazy people do this kind of stuff?

133. I don't think so.

134. This proves that you owe me an apology.

135. Francis, all this proves is that

136. you have a problem with obsessive compulsion.

137. Lies on top of lies.

138. Well, your house of cards is coming down.

139. Is he still here?

140. I told Piama he left this morning.

141. Mom, I can't do the softball team after all.

142. Now, before you come up with what you think my reasons are,

143. let me tell you what my reasons are.

144. I've just got so much schoolwork.

145. You don't have to play.

146. You're always telling me that my grades are...

147. Oh, well, good.

148. It's too bad, 'cause I could have really

149. helped you with your grounders.

150. What?

151. Your grounders.

152. You don't go down to your knee for the ball.

153. You know, kids your age, you don't think

154. you need the fundamentals, but...

155. I field grounders all the time.

156. There's no problem with my grounders.

157. Where do you get this stuff?

158. It doesn't matter, Malcolm. Like you said,

159. you got too much schoolwork, anyway.

160. As soon as I figure out how she got me here,

161. I'm out of here.

162. Never mind.

163. I'm just gonna ignore her and do my homework.

164. What are you working on, sweetheart?

165. Just finishing a paper on Wuthering Heights.

166. Wuthering Heights, huh?

167. I did my senior thesis on that.

168. You did not.

169. I hope you're not sticking to that tired view

170. that Catherine and Heathcliff are soul mates.

171. You picked up on the subtle hostility

172. towards romanticism, right?

173. I mean, Catherine's just as bound

174. to Edgar as she is to Heathcliff.

175. She takes a lock of his hair to the grave, too.

176. Well, duh.

177. Is this where they keep the prisoners?

178. What?

179. My dad's in left field.

180. He likes to keep an eye on me, 'cause he thinks I'm too wild.

181. My name's Stephanie.

182. I'm... Malcolm,

183. infield. Let's go, let's go, let's go!

184. And you better be wearing a cup.

185. I know you've heard the rumors,

186. and all I can say is, I might or might not

187. have been scouted by the Kyoto Crazy Phantoms.

188. But don't worry.

189. I play for Lucky Aide.

190. Now, watch me carefully,

191. 'cause I only work at one speed— lightnin'.

192. This one's for you, Malcolm.

193. Try again. Here's another one.

194. Is she crazy?

195. How does she expect...

196. Craig, that was amazing.

197. What were you expecting?

198. I told you I was good.

199. I don't know, Reese.

200. If I were you, I'd chicken out right now.

201. Dewey, why are you always fighting me on these things?

202. If you're not gonna support me, you might as well leave.

203. Okay, so it's pretty obvious they hate shoes.

204. Write that down.

205. Um, am I... is this where...

206. We're not supposed to talk.

207. Oh.

208. Sorry.

209. Uh... excuse me? I...

210. We'll be with you in three seconds, sir.

211. Please stand up straight.

212. Three seconds?

213. So, I understand you'd like to work with us?

214. I-I-I did... I just... did someone...

215. This job is a wonderful opportunity

216. for the right kind of person.

217. Good pay, three weeks vacation.

218. Full benefits package.

219. Plus the knowledge that you're really making a difference.

220. Code Two, Code Two.

221. Repeat, Code Two.

222. Excuse me, was this...

223. Please, if you could hold off on your questions

224. until I'm finished with mine.

225. Number one, do you have a photographic memory?

226. I don't think so.

227. Uh-huh. Are you allergic to venomous spider bites?

228. How would I know that?

229. Right.

230. And do you have an identical twin?

231. What? No.

232. Okay.

233. That's all I have.

234. Go next door.

235. They'll make a mold of your face.

236. Then we can get started.

237. Thank you for your interest, sir.

238. Any feelings of paranoia you may experience

239. over the next few days are completely normal.

240. Okay, remember—

241. it's hips, then shoulders.

242. It's just like that little dance

243. you used to do in your underpants.

244. What do you know. Looks like store 617's

245. actually thinking about showing up

246. for the game next week.

247. Considering what happened last year,

248. that's pretty brave of you.

249. We lost by three runs and had a barbecue, Mel.

250. And it wasn't on my watch.

251. So, can I see the underwear dance?

252. Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

253. Would you?

254. Slow down, we haven't even kissed yet.

255. Malcolm, let's go. We got to get to your zit doctor before 5:00.

256. Mom! What?

257. Oh, your friend doesn't care about that.

258. Look at her face— she probably goes to the same doctor.

259. Hello, Mother.

260. Hey, Francis— I thought you left this morning.

261. I did.

262. I got halfway home

263. when I suddenly

264. remembered the time

265. when I was three years old

266. and you were sick— or so you said—

267. and couldn't drive me

268. to Donnie Dinesco's birthday party.

269. So I rode this tricycle

270. two miles in the pouring rain

271. just to get there.

272. Lazy? I think not.

273. Now, I am not leaving

274. until you apologize.

275. All you want is an apology? That's it?

276. Well, you should've said so a week ago.

277. But...

278. I'm hereby officially sorry.

279. Okay? No! Not okay.

280. That is not an apology.

281. That's just one of those cleverly designed apologies

282. that sounds like an apology but isn't one.

283. Now you have to apologize

284. for apologizing.

285. And then apologize.

286. You know what your problem is?

287. You know why you can't accept my apology?

288. Because you just can't stand to be happy.

289. What?

290. You have an addiction to trouble.

291. You need to have chaos in your life— you always have.

292. I mean, look at you.

293. You have a great job,

294. a nice home, a wife,

295. and you can't stand it.

296. You have to come back here

297. and pick a fight with your mother.

298. That's not true.

299. I came back here because

300. you've destroyed any chance any of us

301. ever had for happiness.

302. Tell her, Malcolm.

303. Tell her what a horrible mother she is.

304. He's right— you insinuate yourself

305. into every part of our lives, just to make sure

306. there's no place we're not miserable.

307. Well, you're not gonna turn me

308. into a drooling infant

309. like you did Francis.

310. Yeah. What?

311. I'm quitting the softball team.

312. You are doing no such thing, Malcolm.

313. You had a chance to quit, but now we have a game.

314. You made a commitment to a team,

315. and other people are counting on you.

316. You can't force me to play.

317. No, but I can confiscate your paychecks.

318. You're gonna take away money that's legally mine

319. for a game of softball?

320. I don't know. Am I?

321. You are pure evil.

322. How do you sleep at night?

323. Hal, will you please talk to the boys?

324. Not now, Lois, I have way too much on my mind.

325. Like what?

326. I think I'm an international spy,

327. and I don't even know which side I'm on.

328. I could be a super villain and not even know it.

329. You can just say you don't want to help me, Hal.

330. You look very handsome in your uniform.

331. I wish you would've let me take it in around the arms.

332. Well, good news for you, Lois.

333. Our right fielder

334. was screwing around with a price gun,

335. took a sticker to the eye.

336. We're a player short.

337. We have to forfeit.

338. Yes!

339. Well, too bad.

340. 'Course, the real losers...

341. the fans.

342. Not today, Tonto.

343. That's just silly.

344. We're all here, we're all in uniform,

345. everyone wants to play.

346. Malcolm, go be on Mel's team.

347. What?

348. Oh, yeah, big favor.

349. No, no, no, no, no, his game

350. has really improved. Hasn't it, honey?

351. After all that stuff about my commitment to this team,

352. you could just decide to give me away?

353. Malcolm, everybody's nervous about making new friends.

354. Just be yourself. They'll like you fine.

355. I'm gonna hit this ball so far out of the park,

356. my mom's gonna wish she never...

357. Wait, what do I do with my hips again?

358. Strike one.

359. What?

360. Okay, it'll be okay,

361. just stop thinking.

362. You can do it, honey.

363. Strike two.

364. Look, just don't talk to me, okay?

365. Just pitch the ball.

366. I can't believe she's doing this.

367. I just hate it when she treats me like this

368. in front of everyone. It's so...

369. Strike three.

370. Hello?

371. No, honey bun, I'm still here.

372. I have a few more things to straighten out

373. before I can leave, but I promise

374. that we will celebrate our anniversary

375. as soon as I get home.

376. Right, if you're still there.

377. Did Reese and Dewey leave yet?

378. Leave for where? Kopelman's junkyard.

379. Reese is going to break the toilet seat record.

380. He's what? I still have one you autographed for my brother.

381. It'll probably drop in value after this.

382. Just tell them you don't want the job.

383. Don't think about what they can do to you.

384. Just... tell them.

385. Uh, thank you for considering me.

386. It's very flattering.

387. But I've decided

388. to stay where I am for now.

389. If things change,

390. I'll let you know.

391. Where is he?

392. Looks like the pit bulls

393. are herding him toward the Dobermans.

394. It's beautiful, really, the way they work together.

395. Aah!

396. Did I make it? Am I alive?

397. Why do I have bacon in my pocket?

398. Reese, damn it,

399. you crazy idiot.

400. Do you know what you are?

401. You're me.

402. Mom was right— we do love trouble.

403. That's why we do stupid, moronic things like this.

404. What are you talking about?

405. I'm gonna be famous.

406. This isn't about fame.

407. It's about putting yourself in danger for no reason.

408. It's an addiction to pain and suffering.

409. And you know what? I'm done with it.

410. And you should be, too, 'cause it isn't worth it.

411. That's easy for you to say.

412. You've already had the glory.

413. Glory? You think this stupid, dangerous stunt gave me glory?

414. I'll show you what it gave me.

415. Horrible, isn't it?

416. Only the middle one's functional.

417. I can go now.

418. I've been set free.

419. Good-bye and good luck.

420. 11, 12...

421. He got 12.

422. Reese broke the record!

423. It doesn't matter.

424. Didn't you people hear a word I said?

425. Are you sure he got...

426. What's the difference?

427. That's not the point.

428. What I'm trying to say is...

429. Give me the bacon.

430. I don't want an asterisk by my record.

431. Kid, please, it's the last inning,

432. you struck out four times, dropped six fly balls,

433. somehow elbowed yourself in the groin.

434. Good news is, I think we're all laughed out.

435. Just get up there, close your eyes and swing.

436. It's because she keeps...

437. looking at me, on purpose.

438. She has to be taught a lesson.

439. Hey.

440. Your team's down 16 to one.

441. Want to get out of here?

442. Oh, she would just love it if I did that, wouldn't she?

443. Well, I'm not gonna give her the satisfaction.

444. She's gonna learn that she can't control me.

445. You know what, Malcolm, I don't

446. date guys who are involved with other women.

447. Especially when it's their mothers.

448. Good-bye.

449. Okay, this is your last chance.

450. Hello?

451. Sure, I got time to take a survey.

452. Disagree.

453. I did it. I hit the ball.

454. I can't... Oh.

455. Finally. This will show her.

456. It has to.

457. Oh, man.

458. I don't care, I'm going for it.

459. I'll bet she planned the whole thing

460. so it would end up like this.

461. Now the only way I can score

462. is if I'm willing to cleat my own mother in the face.

463. I can't do it.

464. What do you know?

465. He's out.

466. Honey, if you're gonna cleat someone,

467. you have to remember to lead with your heel.

468. Didn't you hear me, Piama?

469. I got 14 toilet seats.

470. I have the record again.

471. You know, Mom said this is exactly how you'd react.

472. So, I was reading this really interesting story

473. about glass eaters...

474. Nah, you don't want to hear this.

475. Dewey, when are you gonna learn

476. that I'm the guy who makes the decisions around here?

477. Go on. Well, apparently the trick is...

478. Well, that was a pretty shameful display this afternoon.

479. Look, I-I was... It's all right.

480. I'm not gonna ask you

481. why you've been behaving like this lately,

482. because I think I know.

483. You're jealous of the new baby.

484. And you're right— I haven't been

485. giving you enough attention lately.

486. But don't worry.

487. Tomorrow we're gonna go out, we're gonna get you a haircut

488. and some new undershirts, just the two of us, okay?

489. Thanks, Mom.