Malcolm in the Middle 5x12

Directed by Ken Kwapis

Kaitlin Cullum as Stephanie • Michael Gaston as Mel • Ingo Neuhaus as Nick • Tom Simmons as Mr. Snow • James Martin Kelly as Umpire

Malcolm is convinced to play Softball by Lois and ends up doing very badly at it due to Lois's hold on him. Meanwhile, Francis tries to pick fights with Lois, Reese tries to break Francis's record of collecting toilet seats from a local junkyard, and Hal accidentally applies to become a member of the CIA.

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1. Boys, I found the beer

2. you hid in the garage.

3. After all our talks

4. about drinking,

5. you still think it's cool?

6. Well, it's not!

7. Now, sit down and watch!

8. Look at me!

9. I'm Mr. Cool.

10. Mmm!

11. Everybody digs my scene.

12. (slurred):

13. I'm the grooviest dude

14. who was ever grooved on.

15. I just love you boys so much.

16. Who wants a hug?

17. Took him long enough

18. to find that beer.

19. Yeah, but it was so worth

20. the wait.

21. Guess what?

22. I got another raise.

23. Mr. DeSilvio said

24. that when I clean the gunk

25. out of the rendering machine,

26. I vomit less than anyone

27. who's ever worked there.

28. Oh, glad someone's

29. career's on track.

30. My company may not

31. even exist in a month.

32. Well, what does Nate

33. have to say?

34. He's usually pretty levelheaded

35. about this stuff.

36. Nate faked his death

37. and fled the country.

38. Didn't he, Jamie?

39. Yes, he did.

40. Dad-dad.

41. Here! Do these look like

42. the hands of a lazy man?

43. Do they? You see how hard

44. the calluses are?

45. What are you doing here?

46. This morning, on the phone,

47. you said that I was lazy.

48. Well, look at my hands,

49. and admit that you were wrong.

50. Are you biting

51. your nails again?

52. Apologize!

53. I am not going to apologize

54. for something

55. that I said that's true.

56. This is exactly why I drove

57. eight straight hours

58. to get here.

59. To prove how

60. far you'll go

61. just to avoid a simple apology.

62. I can't believe how screwed-up

63. your priorities are.

64. Hello?

65. (sweetly):

66. Oh, hi, baby.

67. Happy anniversary.

68. No, I haven't

69. left yet.

70. I'm on my way out

71. right now. Okay.

72. Seeing Francis act like this

73. is really sad.

74. I mean, for him.

75. For us, it's kinda funny.

76. Okay, Malcolm, let's go!

77. We got to get to work.

78. And don't forget

79. to change your shoes.

80. Okay. Can I eat

81. my cupcake in the car?

82. I was going to eat it

83. in the car,

84. whether she said I could or not.

85. It's pathetic to watch Francis

86. when he's around Mom.

87. It's almost like

88. he's her puppet or something.

89. Yeah, it's really awful

90. how she manipulates him.

91. Boy, I sure

92. love this vanilla!

93. Why would anyone do

94. something like that?

95. Well, there is a

96. certain pleasure

97. in secretly controlling

98. someone a lot dumber than you.

99. Hey, you know what was

100. really cool about Francis?

101. How he used to pull

102. all those crazy stunts.

103. Yeah, that stuff

104. was pretty awesome.

105. Yeah.

106. Too bad there's

107. nothing like that now.

108. Except for Kopelman's junkyard.

109. You mean, with all

110. those vicious dogs?

111. Remember how Francis set the

112. record by going over the fence

113. and coming back with

114. 11 old toilet seats?

115. If only someone had

116. the guts to do that now.

117. By "someone," I meant you.

118. You think?

119. Took me four hours

120. to find this old spelling test.

121. C plus!

122. Do lazy people get C pluses?

123. No!

124. Man, I got to get back

125. on the road.

126. When's Mom coming home?

127. Not till after 10:00.

128. Well, traffic will be

129. better, anyway.

130. All I'm saying is,

131. if you don't put the pinks

132. and the yellows together

133. by date, you're not going to be

134. able to find them later.

135. And I know, you want to live

136. in the dorm

137. when you go away to college,

138. but you're

139. too easily distracted.

140. You don't get

141. to criticize decisions

142. I won't even make

143. for three years.

144. Okay, you're getting cranky.

145. Let's take a break.

146. Look, we're

147. over halfway done.

148. Aren't you glad I didn't let you

149. go to the bathroom before?

150. Hey, Malcolm, you want to

151. sign up for the softball team?

152. It's a chance to see

153. the old Satin Hammer in action.

154. And every season, I take one

155. lucky youngster under my wing.

156. I'm already

157. under a thumb.

158. Well, if you're on the team,

159. you don't have to work

160. the early weekend shift.

161. My mom works that shift.

162. I'm in!

163. Hey, Lois. You signing up

164. for softball?

165. I don't need

166. to sign up, Craig.

167. I'm coaching the

168. team this year.

169. You are?

170. Yeah, Stu was going to

171. do it, but his wife

172. got born again and

173. ruined his Sundays.

174. Hey, Malcolm,

175. you're playing!

176. I just can't get away

177. from you, can I?

178. That's the base pay?

179. And there's full dental?

180. Sounds good.

181. Where's the interview?

182. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

183. Thanks.

184. I owe you one.

185. So, I'm going in

186. three days ahead of him

187. for the interview.

188. I mean, Nick won't have

189. any trouble finding another job.

190. They guy's an ex-Navy Seal.

191. Of course, ethically,

192. you could argue it's stealing.

193. But look at hip-hop!

194. They sample music

195. all the time.

196. Is that stealing,

197. or is that art?

198. Hal, you have a family.

199. Go in for the interview.

200. I've got to figure out

201. whether I'm going to bat

202. my left-handed speedster

203. at the top of the order

204. or drop him lower,

205. so he can hit

206. behind the runners and stay

207. out of the double play.

208. There.

209. 20 years worth

210. of connect-the-dot puzzles,

211. model airplanes

212. and dirty haikus.

213. Do lazy people do

214. this kind of stuff?

215. I don't think so!

216. This proves that you owe me

217. an apology.

218. Francis, all this

219. proves is that you have

220. a problem with

221. obsessive compulsion.

222. Lies on top of lies!

223. Well, your house of cards

224. is coming down!

225. Is he still here?

226. I told Piama

227. he left this morning.

228. Mom, I can't do

229. the softball team, after all.

230. Now, before you come up with

231. what you think my reasons are,

232. let me tell you

233. what my reasons are.

234. I've just got

235. so much schoolwork.

236. You don't have to play.

237. You're always telling me

238. that my grades are...

239. Oh, well, good.

240. It's too bad, 'cause

241. I could have really

242. helped you with

243. your grounders.

244. What?

245. Your grounders.

246. You don't go down

247. to your knee for the ball.

248. You know, kids your age,

249. you don't think

250. you need

251. the fundamentals, but...

252. I field grounders all the time.

253. There's no problem

254. with my grounders.

255. Where do you get

256. this stuff?

257. It doesn't matter, Malcolm.

258. Like you said, you got too

259. much schoolwork, anyway.

260. As soon as I figure out

261. how she got me here,

262. I'm out of here.

263. Never mind.

264. I'm just going to ignore

265. her and do my homework.

266. What are you working on,

267. sweetheart?

268. Just finishing a paper on

269. Wuthering Heights.

270. Wuthering Heights, huh?

271. I did my senior thesis

272. on that.

273. You did not.

274. I hope you're not sticking

275. to that tired view

276. that Catherine and Heathcliff

277. are soul mates.

278. You picked up on

279. the subtle hostility

280. towards romanticism, right?

281. I mean, Catherine's

282. just as bound to Edgar

283. as she is to Heathcliff.

284. She takes a lock of his hair

285. to the grave, too.

286. Well, duh!

287. Is this where they keep

288. the prisoners?

289. What?

290. My dad's in left field.

291. He likes to keep an eye on me,

292. 'cause he thinks I'm too wild.

293. My name's Stephanie.

294. I'm...

295. Malcolm, infield.

296. Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

297. And you better be wearing a cup!

298. I know you've heard the rumors,

299. and all I can say is,

300. I might or might not

301. have been scouted

302. by the Kyoto Crazy Phantoms.

303. But don't worry.

304. I play for Lucky Aide.

305. Now, watch me carefully,

306. 'cause I only work

307. at one speed— lightnin'.

308. This one's for you, Malcolm.

309. Try again.

310. Here's another one.

311. Is she crazy?

312. How does she expect...?

313. Craig, that was amazing.

314. What were you expecting?

315. I told you I was good.

316. I don't know, Reese.

317. If I were you, I'd

318. chicken out right now.

319. Dewey, why are you always

320. fighting me on these things?

321. If you're not going to support

322. me, you might as well leave.

323. Okay, so it's pretty obvious

324. they hate shoes.

325. Write that down.

326. Um...

327. am I...

328. is this where...?

329. We're not supposed to talk.

330. Oh.

331. Sorry.

332. Uh... excuse me?

333. I...

334. We'll be with you

335. in three seconds, sir.

336. Please stand

337. up straight.

338. Three seconds?

339. So, I understand

340. you'd like to work with us?

341. I-I-I did...

342. I just... did someone...?

343. This job

344. is a wonderful opportunity

345. for the right kind of person.

346. Good pay, three weeks vacation.

347. Full benefits package.

348. Plus the knowledge that you're

349. really making a difference.

350. Code Two, Code Two.

351. Repeat, Code Two.

352. (rapid footsteps,

353. muffled gunshots)

354. Excuse me, was this...?

355. Please, if you could hold off

356. on your questions

357. until I'm finished with mine.

358. Number one, do you have

359. a photographic memory?

360. I don't think so.

361. Uh-huh. Are you allergic

362. to venomous spider bites?

363. How would I know that?

364. Right.

365. And do you have

366. an identical twin?

367. What? No.

368. Okay.

369. That's all I have.

370. Go next door.

371. They'll make a mold

372. of your face.

373. Then we can get started.

374. Thank you

375. for your interest, sir.

376. Any feelings of paranoia

377. you may experience

378. over the next few days

379. are completely normal.

380. Okay, remember— it's

381. hips, then shoulders.

382. It's just like

383. that little dance

384. you used to do

385. in your underpants.

386. What do you know.

387. Looks like store 617's

388. actually thinking

389. about showing up

390. for the game next week.

391. Considering what

392. happened last year,

393. that's pretty brave of you.

394. We lost by three runs

395. and had a barbecue, Mel.

396. And it wasn't on my watch.

397. So, can I see the

398. underwear dance?

399. Yeah, you'd like that,

400. wouldn't you?

401. Would you?

402. Slow down, we haven't

403. even kissed yet.

404. Malcolm, let's go,

405. we got to get

406. to your zit doctor

407. before 5:00.

408. Mom!

409. What?

410. Your friend doesn't care

411. about that.

412. Look at her face— she probably

413. goes to the same doctor.

414. Hello, Mother.

415. Hey, Francis. I thought

416. you left this morning.

417. I did.

418. I got halfway home

419. when I suddenly

420. remembered the time

421. when I was three years old

422. and you were sick—

423. or so you said—

424. and couldn't drive me

425. to Donnie Dinesco's

426. birthday party.

427. So I rode this tricycle

428. two miles in the pouring rain

429. just to get there.

430. Lazy? I think not.

431. Now, I am not leaving

432. until you apologize.

433. All you want is an

434. apology? That's it?

435. Well, you should've

436. said so a week ago.

437. But...

438. I'm hereby officially sorry.

439. Okay?

440. No! Not okay!

441. That is not an apology.

442. That's just one of those

443. cleverly designed apologies

444. that sounds like an apology

445. but isn't one.

446. Now you have to apologize

447. for apologizing.

448. And then apologize!

449. You know what

450. your problem is?

451. You know why you can't

452. accept my apology?

453. Because you just can't

454. stand to be happy!

455. What?

456. You have an addiction

457. to trouble.

458. You need to have chaos in

459. your life— you always have.

460. I mean, look at you.

461. You have a great job,

462. a nice home, a wife,

463. and you can't stand it.

464. You have to

465. come back here

466. and pick a fight

467. with your mother.

468. That's not true.

469. I came back here because

470. you've destroyed

471. any chance any of us

472. ever had for happiness.

473. Tell her, Malcolm.

474. Tell her what a horrible

475. mother she is.

476. He's right—

477. you insinuate yourself

478. into every part of our lives,

479. just to make sure

480. there's no place

481. we're not miserable.

482. Well, you're

483. not gonna

484. turn me into

485. a drooling infant

486. like you did Francis.

487. Yeah! What?

488. I'm quitting

489. the softball team.

490. You are doing no such thing,

491. Malcolm.

492. You had a chance to quit,

493. but now we have a game.

494. You made a commitment to a team,

495. and other people

496. are counting on you.

497. You can't force me to play.

498. No, but I can confiscate

499. your paychecks.

500. You're gonna take away money

501. that's legally mine

502. for a game of softball?

503. I don't know. Am I?

504. You are pure evil.

505. How do you sleep

506. at night?

507. Hal, will you please

508. talk to the boys?

509. Not now, Lois, I have

510. way too much on my mind.

511. Like what?

512. I think I'm an

513. international spy,

514. and I don't even know

515. which side I'm on.

516. I could be a super-villain

517. and not even know it.

518. You can just say

519. you don't want to help me, Hal.

520. You look very handsome

521. in your uniform.

522. I wish you would've let me

523. take it in around the arms.

524. Well, good news for you, Lois.

525. Our right fielder

526. was screwing around

527. with a price gun,

528. took a sticker to the eye.

529. We're a player short.

530. We have to forfeit.

531. Yes!

532. All right! Amen!

533. Well, too bad.

534. Course, the

535. real losers...

536. the fans.

537. Not today, Tonto.

538. That's just silly.

539. We're all here,

540. we're all in uniform,

541. everyone wants to play.

542. Malcolm, go be

543. on Mel's team.

544. What?

545. Oh, yeah, big favor.

546. No, no, no, no,

547. no, his game

548. has really improved.

549. Hasn't it, honey?

550. After all that stuff about

551. my commitment to this team,

552. you could just decide

553. to give me away?

554. Malcolm, everybody's nervous

555. about making new friends.

556. Just be yourself.

557. They'll like you fine.

558. I'm gonna hit this ball

559. so far out of the park,

560. my mom's gonna wish she never...

561. Wait, what do I do

562. with my hips again?

563. Strike one!

564. What?

565. Okay, it'll be okay.

566. Just stop thinking.

567. You can do it, honey.

568. Strike two!

569. Look, just don't talk

570. to me, okay?

571. Just pitch the ball!

572. I can't believe

573. she's doing this.

574. I just hate it

575. when she treats me like this

576. in front of everyone.

577. It's so...

578. Strike three!

579. Hello?

580. No, honey bun, I'm still here.

581. I have a few more things

582. to straighten out

583. before I can leave,

584. but I promise

585. that we will celebrate

586. our anniversary

587. as soon as I get home.

588. Right, if you're still there.

589. Did Reese and Dewey

590. leave yet?

591. Leave for where?

592. Kopelman's junkyard.

593. Reese is going to break

594. the toilet seat record.

595. He's what?

596. I still have one

597. you autographed

598. for my brother.

599. It'll probably drop

600. in value after this.

601. Just tell them

602. you don't want the job.

603. Don't think about

604. what they can do to you.

605. Just... tell them!

606. Uh, thank you

607. for considering me.

608. It's very flattering.

609. But I've decided

610. to stay where I am for now.

611. If things change,

612. I'll let you know.

613. Where is he?

614. Looks like the pit bulls

615. are herding him

616. toward the Dobermans.

617. It's beautiful, really,

618. the way they work together.

619. Did I make it?

620. Am I alive?

621. Why do I have bacon

622. in my pocket?

623. Reese, damn it,

624. you crazy idiot!

625. Do you know what you are?

626. You're me!

627. Mom was right—

628. we do love trouble.

629. That's why we do stupid,

630. moronic things like this.

631. What are you talking about?

632. I'm gonna be famous.

633. This isn't about fame.

634. It's about putting yourself

635. in danger for no reason.

636. It's an addiction

637. to pain and suffering.

638. And you know what?

639. I'm done with it.

640. And you should be, too,

641. 'cause it isn't worth it.

642. That's easy for you to say.

643. You've already had the glory.

644. Glory? You think this stupid,

645. dangerous stunt gave me glory?

646. I'll show you what it gave me.

647. Horrible, isn't it?

648. Only the middle one's

649. functional.

650. I can go now.

651. I've been set free.

652. Good-bye and good luck.

653. 11, 12...

654. He got 12!

655. Reese broke the record!

656. It doesn't matter!

657. Didn't you people

658. hear a word I said?

659. Are you sure he got...

660. What's the difference?

661. That's not the point!

662. What I'm trying to say is...

663. Give me the bacon.

664. I don't want an asterisk

665. by my record.

666. Kid, please,

667. it's the last inning,

668. you struck out four times,

669. dropped six fly balls,

670. somehow elbowed

671. yourself in the groin.

672. The good news is, I think

673. we're all laughed out.

674. Just get up there, close

675. your eyes and swing.

676. It's because she keeps...

677. looking at me, on purpose!

678. She has to be taught

679. a lesson.

680. Hey. Your team's

681. down 16 to one.

682. Want to get out of here?

683. Oh, she would just love it

684. if I did that, wouldn't she?

685. Well, I'm not gonna give her

686. the satisfaction.

687. She's gonna learn

688. that she can't control me.

689. You know what, Malcolm,

690. I don't date guys who are

691. involved with other women.

692. Especially when

693. it's their mother.

694. Good-bye.

695. Okay, this is your last chance.

696. Hello?

697. Sure, I got time

698. to take a survey.

699. Disagree.

700. I did it! I hit the ball!

701. I can't...

702. Finally! This will show her!

703. It has to!

704. Oh, man.

705. I don't care, I'm going for it.

706. I'll bet she planned

707. the whole thing

708. so it would end up like this.

709. Now the only way I can score

710. is if I'm willing to cleat

711. my own mother in the face.

712. I can't do it.

713. What do you know?

714. He's out!

715. Honey, if you're

716. gonna cleat someone,

717. you have to remember

718. to lead with your heel.

719. Didn't you hear me, Piama?

720. I got 14 toilet seats.

721. I have the record again.

722. You know, Mom said this

723. is exactly how you'd react.

724. So, I was reading this

725. really interesting story

726. about glass eaters...

727. Nah, you don't want

728. to hear this.

729. Dewey, when are

730. you gonna learn

731. that I'm the guy who makes

732. the decisions around here?

733. Go on.

734. Well, apparently

735. the trick is...

736. Well, that was a pretty shameful

737. display this afternoon.

738. Look, I-I was...

739. It's all right.

740. I'm not gonna ask you

741. why you've been behaving

742. like this lately,

743. because I think I know.

744. You're jealous

745. of the new baby.

746. And you're right—

747. I haven't been

748. giving you enough

749. attention lately.

750. But don't worry.

751. Tomorrow we're gonna go out,

752. we're gonna get you a haircut

753. and some new undershirts,

754. just the two of us, okay?

755. Thanks, Mom.