Malcolm in the Middle 5x11

Directed by Peter Lauer

James Hong as Mr. Li • Patrick Bristow as Phillip • Dan O'Connor as Edward • Kristina Hayes as Julia • Andy Umberger as Minister

Malcolm gets his tongue pierced and needs to hide it for a month. While Lois' mother, Ida, comes and annouces that she will marry a rich Chinese Man that she met on a cruise. Malcolm gets complications when his tongue ring gets infected, rendering him unable to say "S's" and he discovers that Ida has been drugging her fiancé with opiates and mood enhancers. When Lois and Hal confront Ida, she drugs them with free food. But luckily, the fiancé misses a drug treatment, and realizes that Ida is a terrible woman and he leaves her at the altar. Malcolm is punished for his tongue piercing. Meanwhile at the ranch, Otto decides to hire a murder mystery acting troup, but it all turns out badly.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Who's a big leaguer, huh?

2. Who is it?

3. Ooh!

4. Hey, what an arm!

5. Oh! You got me again.

6. Bam! You really nailed me.

7. He looked like

8. he was enjoying it!

9. Morning.

10. What are you hiding?

11. What are you talking about?

12. Stop wasting my time.

13. I can smell the guilt from here.

14. You know, if you fess up now,

15. I might go easy on you.

16. You can't just pretend

17. to know something,

18. hoping I'll blurt out

19. a confession.

20. I'm not hiding anything.

21. Okay, I'm hiding something.

22. Cool, huh?

23. If I hide it from my parents

24. for a month until it heals,

25. then I can take it out

26. and put it back anytime I want.

27. And do you know why

28. I did this?

29. Me neither.

30. Hey, that's really neat.

31. Thanks. It's the

32. USS Constitution.

33. In 1803, it sailed all the...

34. Typhoon!

35. I can't believe you did that!

36. How about now?

37. You idiotic...!

38. I hate you!

39. I wish you weren't my brother!

40. I wish you never existed!

41. Wow. How did that happen?

42. What?

43. It's the most amazing thing

44. I've ever seen.

45. What is?

46. I wished as hard as I could

47. and Reese completely

48. disappeared.

49. Yeah, yeah, very funny.

50. Huh. The smell is gone, too.

51. I wonder if it works

52. on other things.

53. Nah. If this were gone,

54. I'd miss it.

55. You have your father's breasts.

56. For God's sake,

57. Mother,

58. what are you doing here?

59. A simple "hello"

60. is asking too much?

61. I'm sorry.

62. You scared the living

63. daylights out of me.

64. I have news.

65. Look, if Susan kicked you out,

66. it doesn't mean

67. you can stay here,

68. because we just don't have

69. the room.

70. Not with the new baby and all.

71. Oh, yes, another precious baby.

72. You wouldn't want

73. your welfare checks to dry up.

74. I'm not moving in.

75. I'm getting married.

76. What?

77. His name is Mr. Li.

78. I met him on my Alaska cruise.

79. We're getting married tomorrow.

80. You're getting married

81. tomorrow?

82. At my age, if he has his teeth

83. and is good in bed, why wait?

84. Oh, I forgot.

85. This one doesn't

86. like girls.

87. Grandma, I'm not gay.

88. That's right.

89. I'm just a liar.

90. You'll be giving the rehearsal

91. dinner here tonight.

92. Tonight? Is Susan coming?

93. No. Maybe next time

94. your sister will think twice

95. before she yells the answer

96. to Wheel of Fortune.

97. Give someone else a chance.

98. Wedding's at

99. 2:00 tomorrow.

100. Don't be late.

101. We have a 6:00 flight

102. to Hong Kong.

103. You're going to Hong Kong?

104. Yes. He has a house

105. there. That's where

106. we're going to live.

107. You're moving to China?

108. I know.

109. Chickens in the streets,

110. children in the sweatshops,

111. everyone smokes.

112. It's a dream come true.

113. It's just so sudden.

114. I understand

115. it is hard for you.

116. I know how much

117. you loved your father.

118. Yes, that's probably it.

119. Can you believe this?

120. She'll be almost exactly

121. on the other side

122. of the Earth.

123. We'll be separated from her

124. by the entire molten core

125. of a planet.

126. It's like Christmas!

127. Francis, I've done something

128. wonderful for the hotel.

129. (quietly):

130. I hired an acting group

131. to stage a murder-

132. mystery weekend.

133. Oh, dear God.

134. The best part is, the

135. actors will be checking in

136. as regular guests.

137. They could be

138. among us right now

139. and we would never know it.

140. (British accent):

141. Attention, please!

142. A room for Sir Reginald

143. Drake and his vengeful,

144. alcoholic wife, Evelyn.

145. I don't have any clean socks,

146. Dewey.

147. Why don't you ask Reese?

148. Who?

149. Here, Dewey,

150. put this on the table.

151. What was that?

152. Reese, for God's sake,

153. pick it up!

154. Oh, great.

155. Honey, don't worry.

156. Everything's going

157. to be fine.

158. Just relax and let's

159. have a nice dinner.

160. Ida's quite a catch!

161. Hi, I'm Lois.

162. This is Hal.

163. Welcome to our home.

164. MR. LI:

165. Hello. Nice to meet you both.

166. Get your coat?

167. Stay away from me.

168. Ooh. Strong and independent.

169. Yet not so independent

170. that she won't be

171. a fully participating partner

172. in your marriage.

173. Shut up. You're blithering

174. like an idiot.

175. And delightfully honest.

176. How can you be so callous,

177. Cedric?

178. I told you

179. never to speak of that!

180. Now quit these pointless

181. hysterics and come to dinner!

182. You'd best watch

183. your step, Cedric.

184. An old English hunting lodge

185. can be a very dangerous place.

186. Please, can't you get these

187. morons out of here?

188. I know.

189. I'm very sorry.

190. Just... try to ignore them.

191. Alas, I am slain!

192. Utterly slain!

193. Who would have guessed

194. that I would have been murdered

195. by none other than...

196. That's it.

197. We're checking out.

198. No!

199. Please, wait.

200. Otto, you have

201. to stop this.

202. It's ruining

203. everyone's time.

204. Francis, try to be

205. more understanding.

206. They may be

207. a little under-rehearsed,

208. but they're working

209. with us.

210. They were completely open

211. to cutting the musical numbers.

212. Our guests are

213. leaving in droves.

214. We lost 12 in

215. the last hour alone.

216. I am not a big game hunter,

217. I am actually

218. a police inspector.

219. Specialty... murder.

220. I must insist

221. that no one leave the room!

222. Angela, I know things

223. didn't go so well

224. the last time,

225. but I'm ready to try this again.

226. Yes, Warren? Yes?

227. We'll start our questioning

228. with you, sir.

229. If you've nothing to hide,

230. you've nothing to fear!

231. If you struggle, it'll only

232. make it worse for you.

233. Maybe I shouldn't

234. have given him

235. all the keys

236. to the guest rooms.

237. Dinner's going okay so far.

238. Mr. Li seems nice.

239. But my tongue is killing me.

240. No one told me that putting

241. a metal spike through it

242. would be so uncomfortable.

243. So, you two lovebirds met

244. on a cruise.

245. What was that like?

246. What is this,

247. the third degree?

248. People meet.

249. Happens every day.

250. It's an interesting story.

251. The woman I dined

252. with the first night

253. was confined to sickbay

254. after she fell overboard.

255. We had rough seas.

256. LI:

257. But as often happens,

258. misfortune brings opportunity,

259. for it was then

260. I met the beautiful Ida.

261. Sorry. Swallowed a bug.

262. Come on, Dewey.

263. Have a dumpling.

264. They're your favorite.

265. And the only way

266. you can get one

267. is by taking it

268. off this plate

269. that I'm holding,

270. which proves that I exist.

271. If no one's eating

272. this, I will.

273. Mom, Jamie's got

274. your cigarettes.

275. Who the hell is Jamie?

276. Your grandson.

277. Huh. We never named them

278. till we were sure

279. they would survive.

280. I love this dark humor of hers.

281. I'm telling you,

282. you have nothing but fun

283. ahead of you.

284. Reese, this firecracker shrimp

285. is fantastic.

286. Yes. I didn't know you can get

287. such hot peppers in America.

288. Something wrong?

289. I just realized that

290. Grandma's really leaving!

291. I need to be alone.

292. You should get him a woman

293. before it's too late.

294. An ugly one.

295. They're cheaper,

296. they work harder.

297. It's okay.

298. I'm sure I had yellow goo

299. coming out of my tongue

300. before it got pierced.

301. Drink your tea.

302. You hate it when

303. it gets cold.

304. Oh, darling, you have

305. something in your hair.

306. What?

307. Under your wig.

308. What are you doing?

309. Get out of there!

310. What is this?

311. A list of my bank accounts...

312. and the amounts in them.

313. I had to know what

314. I was getting into.

315. Wise as well as beautiful.

316. If we are going

317. to get married,

318. it is only fair you know

319. how much money I have.

320. If you're done tearing

321. at me like a hyena,

322. I have to go fix myself.

323. Thank you so very much

324. for allowing me

325. into your home.

326. Put on your makeup

327. somewhere else, Nancy!

328. So, I am just

329. so incredibly curious.

330. You're in love with... my mom?

331. I know it seems strange

332. to people.

333. I know that we are

334. so very different.

335. But ever since

336. I met your mother,

337. I've...

338. She just makes me happy.

339. I'm the happiest

340. I've ever been in my whole life.

341. And "happy" in your culture

342. means the same as...?

343. It's open.

344. Ah, gentlemen.

345. I was expecting

346. my fellow thespians.

347. We're going to add

348. a few delicious wrinkles

349. to the plot tomorrow.

350. Actually, that is what

351. we wanted to talk to you about.

352. Uh-uh-uh.

353. If you think I'm going

354. to give away the ending,

355. you're sadly mistaken.

356. Although...

357. (old lady voice):

358. I might pay particular attention

359. to the enigmatic Mrs. Pomfreet.

360. Otto...

361. I'm sorry.

362. We have to cancel the show.

363. (Scottish accent):

364. Or Lord McGregor,

365. the gruff, but...

366. What?

367. You've all done a wonderful job,

368. but we had a scheduling mix-up

369. and you'll have to go.

370. Thank you for the wonderful

371. work you've done.

372. Oh, God, please don't fire us!

373. If we lose this job, it's over.

374. There's no place lower

375. in show business we can go.

376. If you think

377. I'm bad at this,

378. you should have seen me

379. at the Dairy Queen.

380. This is our last chance.

381. Please don't do this.

382. Please.

383. Please? Please?

384. Please?

385. Please?

386. Please?

387. I can't believe

388. you didn't fire them.

389. I remember him

390. from Dairy Queen.

391. He was bad.

392. Oh, no, no, no.

393. Malcolm,

394. quit messing around in there

395. and get out here.

396. We're leaving

397. for the wedding.

398. I'll be out in a minute.

399. (lisping):

400. Hold your horses.

401. What?

402. Nothing.

403. (lisping):

404. Horses...

405. Oh, my God, it's swollen

406. so much, I can't say my S's.

407. Mom's going to kill me.

408. Wait. I can hide it.

409. I'll be careful... how I talk.

410. And avoid...

411. that letter completely.

412. (lisping):

413. Simple.

414. Well, looks like all

415. of Ida's friends showed up.

416. Let's hope this thing

417. starts soon.

418. Hey, Malcolm, what time

419. does the parking lot close?

420. 6:00, 6:30, 7:00?

421. Military time,

422. that would be 1900, Dad.

423. Ah, here's the

424. blushing bride!

425. I'm sorry, the hotel doesn't

426. allow smoking in here.

427. Back off, you cow.

428. This is my special day.

429. Hal, do you think...?

430. Lois, I know it's weird,

431. but love is blind

432. and it's none of our business,

433. so we might as well

434. just let it go, wish them well,

435. and move on.

436. I know I have.

437. Okay, I admit I've been

438. a crummy brother,

439. and I shouldn't have

440. smashed your ship,

441. and I probably should have

442. tried out that new choke hold

443. on an animal before

444. using it on you.

445. So, anyway,

446. I got you this.

447. Oh, wow!

448. That's so cool.

449. And you can play

450. against the robots

451. or you join them

452. and fight the mutants.

453. I've always wanted this game.

454. I can't believe it.

455. And there's a trick to skip

456. levels. Here, let me show you...

457. Mom, I just found the exact

458. game I wanted for my birthday

459. just lying on this chair.

460. How can he be so insensitive?

461. Jamie?

462. LI:

463. Ah, my love.

464. I almost forgot—

465. my grandmother wore

466. this very necklace

467. on her wedding day.

468. It's called

469. Shuang Hsi,

470. the Chinese symbol

471. for double happiness.

472. White people aren't impressed

473. with this junk.

474. You're not supposed

475. to see me before the wedding.

476. Go back to your room

477. before someone mistakes

478. you for a waiter!

479. Whatever my bride wants.

480. I'll see you in a little while.

481. Oh, my God.

482. Opiate,

483. opiate, mood elevator,

484. large mammal tranquilizer...

485. He's not in love

486. with her at all.

487. She's got him drugged!

488. Skies are clear at the airport.

489. No problem with

490. their flight leaving.

491. I'm checking the freeways.

492. Dad, Mom,

493. I have to tell you...

494. a thing.

495. What?

496. Grandma...

497. be drugging...

498. the man from China.

499. What?

500. Grandma be drugging

501. the man from China.

502. What the hell is this?

503. Powerful mood elevator.

504. A lot of them.

505. Bottle after bottle

506. after bottle.

507. She's drugging him?

508. How is she doing that?

509. The tea.

510. My God, of course,

511. the tea!

512. Remember, she kept

513. refilling his cup all night.

514. That's how I'd do it.

515. You're sure that

516. this is her purse?

517. Ye...

518. Affirmative.

519. Oh, stop screwing around.

520. Yes or no?

521. Yes or no?

522. Not no.

523. Stealing

524. an old woman's purse.

525. I should have you all arrested.

526. Us? We know what you're doing

527. to that poor Mr. Li.

528. My God, I thought you were an

529. evil, conniving monster before,

530. but this, Mother,

531. this is beyond the pale!

532. He's a human being,

533. and you're drugging him!

534. It's called seduction.

535. It's no different

536. from wearing perfume

537. or padding your bra

538. with potatoes.

539. What girl doesn't look

540. for a little edge?

541. You are out of your mind!

542. Either you march up

543. to his room and tell him

544. this wedding is off

545. or we're calling the police!

546. All right, I'm going.

547. Split the take?

548. Mom, go!

549. and how could

550. our murderer

551. leave no footprints?

552. Because I submit to you

553. that he did not walk,

554. but rather swung...

555. into the room... on a rope!

556. And the only

557. former circus acrobat here is...

558. That man!

559. And... that woman!

560. Oh, Edward, the game's up.

561. (Cockney accent):

562. Yeah, we done it.

563. And we'd do it again, Guv'ner.

564. Mystery solved.

565. Oh, bravo!

566. Oh, my God.

567. Did you feel that?

568. It was wonderful!

569. That was the best reaction

570. we've ever had.

571. Thank you so much.

572. Thank you for giving us

573. this chance.

574. No need.

575. The important thing is you

576. believed in yourself

577. and you did a great job.

578. (stilted):

579. What a delightful display

580. of intrigue and whimsy.

581. (reciting):

582. I will remember this

583. for years to come.

584. I cannot wait

585. to tell my friends.

586. You hired the audience?

587. I hated to see him

588. so depressed.

589. Within its framework

590. of commitment and loyalty,

591. marriage enables

592. the establishment of a home...

593. They look so

594. nice together.

595. Yeah, they do.

596. I just love weddings.

597. with trust and patience,

598. your love will grow stronger.

599. Weren't we supposed

600. to stop this?

601. Hmm. I think you're right.

602. I wonder why we didn't.

603. Who cares?

604. It's nice.

605. Oh, I'm not

606. worried about it.

607. I... I'm just... happy.

608. Your love and respect

609. for each other,

610. your trust and understanding

611. of each other

612. will increase

613. your contentment...

614. They're all empty.

615. Every bottle.

616. She drugged us all.

617. That filthy,

618. hateful monster.

619. But how'd she do it?

620. The buffet.

621. Oh, that's right.

622. It showed up right after

623. she went to talk to Mr. Li.

624. That evil genius.

625. You know, she knew we couldn't

626. pass up free food.

627. This is simply the

628. most diabolical,

629. hateful thing

630. she's ever done.

631. But I sure do like

632. her dress. Don't you?

633. I agree.

634. It's weird— I used to

635. just think thoughts.

636. Now my thoughts

637. are thinking thoughts.

638. It's like, if I don't exist,

639. who's saying if I don't exist?

640. You know what I mean?

641. I'll tell you who's saying it.

642. Me.

643. It's like I think, therefore...

644. Oh, wait.

645. I had it.

646. Don't worry, Reese,

647. it'll come back around.

648. Yeah.

649. Hey, you spoke to me.

650. I exist.

651. For now.

652. buds are yet to blossom

653. and with care...

654. You know, I have to admit,

655. part of me wishes we could

656. just stay this happy forever.

657. Can we, Malcolm?

658. Can we?

659. Not really.

660. (lisping):

661. I mean, most of these drugs

662. wear off

663. after four or five hours.

664. Malcolm, why

665. are you lisping?

666. I pierced my tongue.

667. I've been hiding it because

668. I knew you'd go psycho.

669. I'll show you psycho.

670. When we get home, I'm going

671. to pull that thing out

672. with a pair of pliers.

673. Sounds fair.

674. Be constant and consistent

675. in your love.

676. From this comes the knowledge

677. that you can

678. weather any storm...

679. Did you drink your tea?

680. What tea?

681. The tea I gave you

682. right before the ceremony.

683. Oh, I'm sorry.

684. I thought that was for me.

685. Did anyone ever tell you,

686. you have a beautiful smile?

687. I haven't been

688. to the dentist in years.

689. I should really

690. give him a call...

691. Get on with it, God boy!

692. Well, someone's eager for the

693. sacrament of married love, huh?

694. I think Mr. Li's

695. coming out of it.

696. Ah, what a shame.

697. The old bat used up

698. all her happy pills on us.

699. Oh, also,

700. this is so very, very,

701. very important.

702. Never go to bed angry.

703. I should say,

704. never go to sleep angry.

705. And you know what?

706. Never eat salad angry.

707. Never eat soup sad.

708. Give me these.

709. Here.

710. Go.

711. Shall we pray...?

712. No!

713. All righty then.

714. Do you take...?

715. Yes!

716. And do you...?

717. Yes!

718. Then I now pronounce you...

719. Who the hell are you?

720. Oh, darling, don't be silly.

721. Get the rings!

722. Wait, I know you.

723. You're that horrible woman

724. at my table

725. who kept spitting

726. at the busboys.

727. Oh, no, no.

728. That was someone else.

729. No, it was you!

730. My little honey lamb.

731. Let me go!

732. Hoochie-coochie.

733. Ow! Ooh!

734. Ooh!

735. You take your...

736. take your hands

737. off of me!

738. You can't leave me now!

739. I'm pregnant! Oh!

740. Why, why?

741. Why can't I ever be happy?

742. I promised I wasn't

743. going to do this.

744. There's still dirt

745. under the rim.

746. I've been scrubbing

747. for an hour.

748. It's not coming off.

749. Well, since you don't care

750. about your tongue,

751. maybe you could use that

752. to clean the toilet.

753. I found Grandma's thermos.

754. Looks like there's still

755. a half cup left

756. of this terrible potion.

757. You know, the lawnmower

758. needs some work.

759. I think I'll go out

760. to the garage...

761. Good. Yeah, good idea.