Malcolm in the Middle 5x10

1. So you can shoot

2. free throws better than me.

3. Fine. Whatever.

4. Big deal.

5. That's all

6. you've got on me.

7. Can you stop a ceiling

8. fan with your head?

9. I didn't think so.

10. And look at this.

11. My Popsicle's like

12. twice the size of yours.

13. What a score.

14. I am totally...

15. Reese.

16. Oh.

17. Never mind.

18. Jamie, how can you

19. enjoy this processed food?

20. This is nothing like

21. you'd eat out in the wild.

22. I did it!

23. I got my learner's permit.

24. I can drive anywhere

25. with an adult.

26. And the adult does not

27. have to be visible

28. from the outside.

29. I checked.

30. Everyone taking the test

31. was trying to copy off him.

32. Wow, Mom's actually

33. proud of me.

34. It's kind of nice to finally

35. have my moment in the...

36. Dewey?

37. Oh, my God!

38. Is this what

39. it looks like?

40. Yes, Mom.

41. This is a friend.

42. His name's Noah.

43. Oh, Noah, it is such

44. a pleasure to meet you.

45. I can't tell you

46. how thrilled I am...

47. Mom.

48. If we seem too excited,

49. we're going to spook him.

50. So as far as you're concerned,

51. this is just another day.

52. Come on, Noah.

53. Dewey?

54. Okay, I'm done now.

55. Honey, come on out here.

56. I have

57. a surprise for you.

58. What is this?

59. It's a hot tub, Lois.

60. Are you out of your mind?

61. We can't afford a hot tub.

62. That's what I said, too,

63. but then the sales guy

64. showed me how wrong I was.

65. Boys, get out here!

66. Hal, I can't believe

67. you did this without me.

68. You know we always make these

69. kinds of decisions together.

70. It was an in-store promotion.

71. We got 20% off

72. on the spot.

73. Plus a tub club card,

74. plus free caulking.

75. And that's where they kill you,

76. Lois— the caulking.

77. Hal...

78. A hot tub.

79. Sweet.

80. This is just what

81. it's like here.

82. We're always getting

83. great stuff like hot tubs.

84. Hal, you're taking it back.

85. What about the boys?

86. Don't they get a say in this?

87. Yeah, Mom, it'll be great

88. for entertaining.

89. No, they do not get

90. a say in this

91. because we are

92. not keeping it.

93. Well, we're...

94. kind of locked in.

95. We're what?

96. Lois, you

97. don't get

98. deals like this

99. without making a commitment.

100. It's zero

101. percent interest.

102. If you factor in inflation,

103. it's almost like

104. they're paying us

105. 2,800 bucks.

106. $2,800!

107. I can't

108. believe you!

109. You went behind my back,

110. you spent money you had

111. no right to spend to buy a pile

112. of lumber

113. and tubes.

114. Don't worry.

115. It has very detailed

116. assembly instructions,

117. which I won't go anywhere near

118. because Malcolm's doing it.

119. I don't mind.

120. The baby's head

121. was in the sun.

122. Otto, what are you doing?

123. I am posting

124. the new safety rules.

125. There have been far

126. too many senseless accidents.

127. People will have

128. no excuse not to be safe.

129. Francis! You wouldn't believe

130. what happened— I almost...

131. Otto! Oh, my God!

132. You okay?

133. Manfred Schmidt.

134. Did I tell you?

135. You just can't have

136. a care in the world

137. when you're in a hot tub.

138. It's like a trip back

139. to the old amniotic sac.

140. Jamie's going to be

141. asleep for another hour.

142. Do you think

143. I could borrow your car

144. for a quick trip

145. to the Lucky Aide?

146. I'll drive!

147. Oh, no, I'll be

148. fine, really.

149. You all look

150. so comfortable,

151. and it's really

152. just...

153. Not a problem at all.

154. I got the keys. Let's go!

155. Honey, take a load off.

156. No, thanks.

157. Since now

158. you've decided

159. we're a family

160. where everyone

161. does whatever

162. they want,

163. what I want is to

164. not be in the hot tub.

165. These jets are great.

166. I couldn't hear

167. a word she said.

168. And if you

169. really listen,

170. everything has

171. its own vibration.

172. The trees and the grass...

173. I mean, it's like

174. the whole world

175. is screaming sometimes.

176. But you know, you can

177. get one of those

178. white noise machines

179. and really crank it...

180. Oh, stop here.

181. What about the drugstore?

182. I just need

183. to grab something.

184. This is cool. I get to drive.

185. Plus, I got to know

186. Polly a little bit better.

187. It turns out she hasn't

188. had a TV in 12 years,

189. and instead of chemicals,

190. her dry cleaner uses tea.

191. Okay, but the driving

192. is still cool.

193. Go! Go! Go! Go!

194. What?

195. I said go!

196. What did you do?

197. Malcolm, just give me

198. a second to explain.

199. I didn't

200. do anything wrong.

201. Trust me—

202. we're not in any danger.

203. Then take your foot off the gas!

204. Okay, what

205. did you take?

206. What is that thing?

207. This is mine.

208. It belongs to me.

209. My ex-boyfriend Danny took it

210. and he wouldn't give it back,

211. and this happens

212. to be my mother.

213. Your what?

214. My mother's in here.

215. Her ashes.

216. I meant to get her a nicer urn,

217. but they just raised my tuition

218. at the Wicca School.

219. So why couldn't you just

220. ask the guy for the ashes?

221. I don't think that would be

222. a really good route

223. to go with Danny.

224. He's a very troubled man.

225. What?

226. Please don't tell

227. your parents, okay?

228. I need you to keep

229. this between us, please?

230. I love Jamie,

231. and he loves me,

232. and I'd be crushed

233. if I couldn't see him.

234. Literally.

235. Emotions can

236. compress organs, Malcolm.

237. So can you help me out on this?

238. Fine.

239. This is weird.

240. All I keep thinking is,

241. it is so cool

242. that I'm driving.

243. Francis, have

244. you seen Otto?

245. What's the matter?

246. I don't like letting

247. him out of my sight.

248. He's been

249. so accident-prone.

250. In the past few days,

251. he smashed up both our cars.

252. He keeps falling down

253. the stairs.

254. This morning,

255. he set his hair on fire

256. with his reading glasses.

257. Gretchen, my love,

258. I wonder if you can

259. fetch the tweezers.

260. I seem to have an

261. ass-full of cactus.

262. Otto, it was just

263. beginning to heal.

264. Well, I'm sorry. It's not like

265. I'm doing this on purpose.

266. Ooh...

267. Francis, I'm afraid

268. I'm doing this on purpose.

269. What,

270. hurting yourself?

271. I don't know.

272. It doesn't seem

273. like all of these things

274. could be accidents.

275. It's like

276. there is some

277. subconscious drive to punish

278. myself for some unknown...

279. Otto, what does the name

280. Manfred Schmidt mean to you?

281. I haven't thought

282. about him for years.

283. I'm... oh, oh...

284. What?

285. Manfred Schmidt

286. is Gretchen's fiancé.

287. Well, he was, until I stole her.

288. You stole Gretchen?

289. He was my best friend,

290. but I was in love

291. with Gretchen, too.

292. And on the day

293. they were going to elope,

294. I told Manfred that

295. Gretchen had already gone

296. and that she would meet him

297. at the train station in Berlin.

298. Oh, Otto.

299. Poor Gretchen stood

300. in the rain for hours,

301. devastated.

302. And then

303. I came along

304. and I comforted her, and, uh,

305. one thing led

306. to another thing, and, uh...

307. well, here we are—

308. 25 years of perfect love...

309. built on a lie.

310. Otto, this is obviously

311. tearing you up inside.

312. Why don't you just call

313. this guy and apologize

314. before you really

315. end up hurting yourself?

316. Francis, I don't think

317. I have the courage.

318. Besides,

319. now that I know

320. what is behind it,

321. maybe the problem will go away.

322. Those are thumb tacks.

323. Dad.

324. Noah and I were supposed

325. to play together,

326. but when I got

327. to his house,

328. he wasn't there.

329. I waited for an hour,

330. but he never showed up.

331. Don't be so negative.

332. Maybe he got hurt and was

333. taken to the hospital,

334. or maybe

335. his grandmother died.

336. and then my guy

337. parachutes in

338. and shoots your guy.

339. Oh! I'm cold!

340. I'm so cold!

341. Oh, come on, Jamie.

342. Here comes the airplane.

343. Come on, say "ah."

344. Boy, you know,

345. I think the tension

346. in my neck

347. was dulling my taste buds.

348. These hamburgers

349. are amazing, honey.

350. Well, thank you.

351. And even with the cheese,

352. it came in for less

353. than $2,800.

354. Who has the mustard?

355. I don't know.

356. Maybe Reese stole it.

357. Like he steals everything.

358. Well, maybe the mustard

359. likes me better.

360. Maybe the mustard

361. and I have more fun.

362. You totally stole Noah from me!

363. Whoa, you can't just

364. change subjects on me.

365. We were talking

366. about mustard.

367. I was talking about Noah.

368. Oh, man, what

369. a great kid.

370. It's like having a little

371. brother, you know?

372. He was so proud

373. of me when I

374. beat the crap out of

375. Craig Jansen for him.

376. It was a nice moment.

377. Malcolm, how

378. was your drive today?

379. Fine.

380. Just went to the Lucky Aide

381. and back, that's it, huh?

382. Yeah.

383. The Lucky Aide

384. is only two and a half

385. miles each way,

386. yet the odometer mysteriously

387. gained 23 miles.

388. Okay, well, after

389. I dropped Polly off,

390. I took the car by

391. myself. I'm sorry.

392. I was just so excited,

393. and I wanted to show off,

394. so I drove around the mall.

395. Well, thank you

396. for being honest with me.

397. Now give me the permit.

398. What?

399. Two months

400. without driving.

401. But, Mom...

402. Because you were

403. honest with me,

404. I'm not going to

405. wad this up

406. and throw it down

407. the garbage disposal.

408. That's so unfair! Dad?

409. Malcolm, you know

410. I always agree

411. with your mother.

412. Whether or not she holds herself

413. to the same standard.

414. That's it!

415. I'm sick of all the noise

416. around here. Everybody out!

417. Hal, you're taking the boys

418. to the movies, now!

419. Everybody up.

420. Let's go, let's go!

421. Well, I didn't

422. know the movie

423. was going to

424. be sold out.

425. I'll get the paper.

426. I didn't want to see

427. the dog movie anyway.

428. Well, whatever we see,

429. I have to be back by 7:00.

430. Me and Noah are

431. ambushing Kevin Teevens.

432. Another one?

433. What are you, his enforcer?

434. It's called being a friend.

435. Okay, what do you boys

436. want to see?

437. I don't care. The real fun

438. is being driven there by my dad.

439. Come on.

440. Hey, what about

441. this one?

442. There's a review

443. right here.

444. Sounds good.

445. Let's go.

446. Ah. (chuckles)

447. Well, he's missing out

448. on a great cardio workout.

449. Malcolm, right?

450. Who are you?

451. My name is Danny.

452. I believe

453. you took something

454. that belongs to me.

455. What, did you think

456. I wouldn't find you?

457. Do you think you could

458. get away with this?

459. Do you think I'm stupid?

460. Do you think

461. this is fun for me?

462. I don't know what

463. question to answer.

464. Aah! Sinus headache.

465. The pain makes me furious,

466. and the fury makes it

467. more painful,

468. and then you just black out

469. and you don't know what you did.

470. How can I help you?

471. I want the urn

472. that Polly took.

473. You want her

474. mother's ashes?

475. She told you

476. her mother's in there?

477. My father's in there.

478. My father, who I loved,

479. who went cold-turkey

480. for my graduation.

481. That's whose ashes

482. are in there.

483. Oh. Well...

484. You are going to

485. give me that urn.

486. I know where you live.

487. So listen up.

488. I'm going to go get

489. an allergy shot.

490. And right after that,

491. I'm coming over to your house

492. for the ashes.

493. Well, look at the giant

494. surprise that happened here.

495. You want to tell me

496. this wasn't a huge

497. waste of money now?

498. Every tub has

499. a break-in period.

500. It's just adjusting

501. to our natural body chemistry.

502. There's a six-inch

503. crust of algae.

504. The tub is fine.

505. See? Absolutely perfect.

506. You lied to me.

507. What do you mean?

508. I just met Danny,

509. and he says

510. his father's ashes

511. are in that urn.

512. Well, yes, they are.

513. So you lied.

514. No, the truth is, it's

515. my mother's ashes,

516. his father's ashes,

517. the springer spaniel

518. that we bought together and

519. a cat I had before I met him.

520. What?

521. You know how when you

522. move in with somebody,

523. you-you mix up your

524. plates and your CDs...

525. Look, he was acting

526. really, really scary.

527. Like psycho dangerous scary.

528. Just tell me,

529. do I need to be worried?

530. Oh, no. No.

531. Yes.

532. Oh, God. All right.

533. I've got to think.

534. I'll think of something.

535. I couldn't think of anything.

536. We're out of the city;

537. you can turn on the headlights.

538. Okay, his plane

539. landed an hour ago.

540. He should be

541. here any minute.

542. Manfred Schmidt.

543. What if the fire

544. is still there

545. between him and Gretchen?

546. Come on, Otto,

547. you know how much

548. Gretchen loves you.

549. I can do this.

550. I will go get Gretchen.

551. Thank you very much.

552. Uh, please...

553. make sure my chef

554. finds the kitchen.

555. Mr. Schmidt, welcome.

556. Did you have

557. a nice flight?

558. Ah, yes, thanks.

559. When you fly your own jet,

560. it always makes the time

561. go so much faster.

562. Uh, did your wife

563. come with you?

564. Oh, I never married.

565. After Gretchen broke my heart,

566. I just couldn't.

567. Every day I think

568. of what might have been,

569. and now— thanks to you—

570. what still could be.

571. Do you think she likes

572. giant diamonds?

573. Uh... look, there's been

574. a change in plans.

575. Gretchen isn't here.

576. I'm afraid she stood you up.

577. What?

578. She said she

579. wasn't interested.

580. And then she disappeared.

581. Tough break.

582. I don't believe you.

583. Seriously.

584. You know how flighty

585. Gretchen can be.

586. I didn't come

587. all the way from Germany

588. to be turned away

589. by some messenger boy.

590. I'm not leaving

591. until I see Gretchen.

592. Otto, why are you

593. being so mysterious?

594. What is this big

595. terrible secret?

596. Well...

597. Otto paid way too much

598. for these earrings.

599. Oh, Otto.

600. Okay, my mom says

601. I can stay for dinner.

602. Cool.

603. Oh, Dewey.

604. Noah's going to need

605. your chair.

606. He's not your friend, Reese.

607. Noah just made friends with me

608. to get to you.

609. And he's just using you

610. to beat people up for him.

611. Reese, take him out.

612. No, listen.

613. Last week, three kids

614. beat the crap out of him.

615. He's not tough enough to get

616. them back, but you are.

617. You already paid back

618. Kevin Teevens and Craig Jansen.

619. All that's left

620. is Todd Lemmon,

621. and I took care of him myself.

622. Here's a piece of his T-shirt.

623. Here's his retainer with part

624. of a tooth still on it.

625. And here's my four-day

626. suspension slip.

627. Wow.

628. You really nailed him.

629. Thanks, Dewey.

630. Go to hell, Reese.

631. Wait. So it's just over?

632. Is that all I was to you,

633. a couple of fists?

634. I have some guys you

635. can beat up for me.

636. It's too soon.

637. Are you positive Danny

638. won't go to our house?

639. I told him specifically

640. that he wouldn't find us

641. or the ashes there.

642. I just hope

643. he checks his messages.

644. Danny's not home!

645. That doesn't work

646. when he's in the car!

647. Let go! Let go!

648. What are you doing here?

649. I'm here to get what's mine.

650. You had no right to

651. take my father from me!

652. Oh, your "father"? Please.

653. When he was sick,

654. you made him live

655. in a junked-out car

656. in the backyard.

657. That was a Le Sabre!

658. Do you hear the way

659. she talks to me?

660. I'm just driving.

661. We had an agreement.

662. We said the ashes would stay

663. right by the coffeemaker

664. and we'd all be

665. together. Forever.

666. You and me

667. and our dead ancestors and pets.

668. Then one day I come home

669. from drum circle

670. and you're gone

671. without even saying good-bye!

672. Danny, you're the one

673. who violated the agreement,

674. because you had to dominate

675. every moment

676. of my life.

677. You even had

678. to cut my hair.

679. And I don't like bangs!

680. Are you insane?

681. With your bone structure, you...

682. Never mind.

683. You're not taking my father.

684. You can't have my mother.

685. Give me the ashes.

686. I will not!

687. What are you do...?

688. Aah!

689. Malcolm!

690. No!

691. (cries):

692. Oh!

693. I have heard enough of this.

694. I am sick of you people

695. screaming about the ashes

696. when it's clearly

697. not about the ashes.

698. It's not?

699. I think it is.

700. The problem

701. is your relationship.

702. And you're never

703. going to get past it

704. unless you start talking to

705. each other like human beings.

706. I-I guess I freaked out...

707. when you left me without

708. even saying good-bye.

709. I'm sorry about that.

710. We both know

711. it had to end.

712. I just couldn't face

713. hurting you.

714. You deserved better

715. from me.

716. Thank you.

717. You're welcome.

718. So if, uh, there's nobody else

719. back there,

720. I'm just gonna turn around

721. and go home.

722. You're a heart healer,

723. Malcolm.

724. I'm pretty sure

725. it's too late for you now,

726. but in the next life,

727. you're gonna really cash in.

728. I have to say, I've only

729. ever seen this on boats.

730. I'm gonna have to make

731. some phone calls on this one.

732. Go ahead and say it.

733. I know you're dying to.

734. Why do I always

735. have to be the fun killer?

736. What are you talking about?

737. Do you know what it's like

738. to be the person

739. in charge of saying "no"

740. all the time?

741. I hate it.

742. Honey, we depend

743. on you for that.

744. You're the one who keeps

745. us from killing ourselves.

746. Yes, but all I ever hear

747. is "Why can't we?"

748. and "You never let us."

749. Just once can't I

750. be the person

751. who gets to have

752. the fun, crazy idea?

753. You know what?

754. Absolutely.

755. Go ahead.

756. What do you have in mind?

757. Well, I can't come up with

758. something just on the spot.

759. Okay. This should stunt

760. the algae growth.

761. This should burn off

762. your outer layer of skin.

763. And these pills

764. will gradually kill

765. what's lodged

766. in your urethra.

767. It was a kidnapping situation

768. and it wasn't

769. our fault...

770. Where's Mom and Dad?

771. They're not home yet.

772. Oh, my God, this is fate.

773. We said "knock, knock."

774. And this is the universe

775. saying, "Who's there?"

776. If they ask, I was

777. here all night.

778. Oh, boys,

779. your mom has

780. a really crazy idea

781. she wants to run by you.

782. Probably too crazy.

783. Lois?

784. We are going to have ice

785. cream on the good china.

786. Wow, that's crazy.

787. Oh, cool.

788. Are you sure?

789. I told you!

790. Wow.